ON  BOTH  SIDES 


FRANCES  COURTENAY  BAYLORS 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


IB* 


?/   2 


s 


TORIES  BY 

FRANCES  COURTENAY  BAYLOR. 


ON   BOTH   SIDES. 

I2mo.     Cloth,  $1.25. 

"  A  novel,  entertaining  from  beginning  to  end,  with  brightness  that 
never  falls  flat,  that  always  suggests  something  beyond  the  mere  amuse 
ment,  that  will  be  most  enjoyed  by  those  of  most  cultivation,  that  is  clever, 
keen,  and  intellectual  enough  to  be  recognized  as  genuine  wit,  and  yet 
good-natured  and  amiable  enough  to  be  accepted  as  the  most  delightful 
humor.  It  is  not  fun,  but  intelligent  wit;  it  is  not  mere  comicality,  but 
charming  humor;  it  is  not  a  collection  of  bright  sayings  of  clever  people, 
but  a  reproduction  of  ways  of  thought  and  types  of  manner  infinitely  en 
tertaining  to  the  reader,  while  not  in  the  least  funny  to  the  actor,  or 
intended  by  him  to  appear  funny.  It  is  inimitably  good  as  a  rendering  of 
the  peculiarities  of  British  and  of  American  nature  and  training,  while  it 
is  so  perfectly  free  from  anything  like  ridicule,  that  the  victims  would  be  the 
first  to  smile." — The  Critic. 

BEHIND   THE   BLUE    RIDGE. 

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"  It  is  lightened  through  and  through  by  humor  as  subtle  and  sponta 
neous  as  any  that  ever  brightened  the  dark  pages  of  life  history,  and  is 
warmed  by  that  keen  sympathy  and  love  for  human  nature  which  trans 
figures  and  ennobles  everything  it  touches." — Chicago  Tribune. 

"  Intensely  dramatic  in  construction,  rich  in  color,  picturesque  in  de 
scription,  and  artistic  in  its  setting.  No  more  delightful  picture  of  the 
every-day  life  of  the  Virginia  mountaineers  could  well  be  imagined." — 
Philadelphia  Record. 

A   SHOCKING   EXAMPLE, 

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"  Rarely  have  we  enjoyed  a  more  delightful  series  of  literary  enter 
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fourteen  stories  and  sketches  from  the  bright  pen  of  Frances  Courtenay 
Baylor,  whose  '  On  Both  Sides'  has  won  for  her  so  enviable  a  reputation 
on  both  sides  of  the  Atlantic."—  Boston  Home  Journal . 


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box,  $3.75.  

For  sale  by  all  Booksellers.  Sent  by  the  Publishers, 
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OJST  BOTH  SIDES. 


A   NOYEL. 


BY 

FRANCES  COURTENAY  BAYLOR. 


TENTH  EDITION. 


PHILADELPHIA: 
J.  B.  LIPPINCOTT   COMPANY. 

1892. 


Copyright,  1885,  by  FRANCES  COURTENAY  BAYWR- 


PREFACE. 


"ON BOTH  SIDES"  originally  appeared  in  "  Lippincott's 
Magazine"  in  two  stories,  or  rather  a  story  in  two  parts, 
called  "The  Perfect  Treasure"  and  "On  this  Side," 
supposed  to  be  illustrative  of  certain  phases  of  so 
cial  life  in  England  and  the  United  States.  These 
are  ro^v  bound  together  (as  I  earnestly  trust  that  John 
Bull  and  his  cousin  Jonathan  may  be  in  the  future, 
however  divided  in  the-  past),  and  have  been  rechris- 
tened,  to  avoid  a  wealth  of  title  which  the  author  fears 
would  only  illustrate  afresh  the  dcceitfulness  of  riches, 
since  no  one  story  any  more  than  one  individual  can 
reasonably  be  expected  to  carry  out  all  that  would  be 

promised  and  vowed  in  three  names. 

F.  C.  B. 

ELM  WOOD,  August  26,  1885. 


550621 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE. 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE. 


i. 


IIATE  in  the  autumn  of  '73,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Fletcher, 
wealthy  and  refined  Americans  of  the  best  type,  re 
turned  to  England  after  an  extended  tour  on  the  Con 
tinent,  and  decided  to  spend  the  winter  in  Cheltenham, 
one  of  the  gayest  and  most  agreeable  of  the  English 
watering-places  still,  though  not  as  fashionable  as  in  the 
palmy  days  when  poor  George  III.  sipped  the  waters 
of  the  Eoyal  Wells,  and  the  fine  gentlemen  and  cqurt 
beauties  danced,  drank,  gamed,  raced,  laughed,  loved, 
lived  in  the  .idle  profligacy  and  splendor  of  the  period, 
and  brought  in  their  train  such  a  crowd  of  tradesmen, 
parasites,  henchmen,  tire- women,  lackeys,  pleasure- 
seekers,  and  snobs  as  sent  the  place  up  from  a  village  to 
a  large  town  more  rapidly  than  if  a  gold-mine  had  been 
discovered  in  the  neighborhood. 

It  was  agreed  that  Mrs.  Fletcher  should  stay  there 
while  her  husband  "  ran  over  to  New  York,"  as  he 
phrased  it,  and  put  his  affairs  upon  a  footing  that  would 
admit  of  their  devoting  the  following  summer  to  Nor 
way  and  Sweden  and  perhaps  another  winter  to  some 
unexplored  country  to  be  decided  upon  later.  Both 
were  inveterate  travellers,  and  had  the  health,  the 

1*  5 


6  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

spirits,  and  the  intelligence  which  can  alone  make  the 
social  nomadism  of  our  day  either  pleasant  or  profitable, 
to  say  nothing  of  a  purse  that  gave  to  their  journeys 
all  the  comfort  of  a  royal  progress  without  its  ennui. 
They  were  not  alone;  for  where  is  the  American  who 
has  the  courage  or  the  heart  to  travel  abroad  with  no 
other  companion  than  the  wife  of  his  bosom  ?  He  may 
hate  going  about  the  world  with  a  menagerie,  and 
shrink  from  the  prospect  of  rambling  over  strange 
countries  in  charge  of  several  thread-paper  females, 
being  held  accountable  for  the  safety  of  sixteen  Sara 
toga  trunks,  wrangling  in  unknown  tongues,  and  pay 
ing  enormous  bills.  He  may  feel  that  to  regulate  the 
largest  business  interests  in  the  United  States  and 
manage  any  number  of  banks  and  factories  and  rail 
roads  is  nothing  to  such  an  undertaking.  He  may  even 
be  the  slave  of  the  lamp,  and  have  rubbed  away  half 
his  physical  and  mental  layers  of  strength  and  sensi 
bility  for  twenty  years  that  Mrs.  Aladdin  may  live  on 
Fifth  Avenue  and  have  a  roc's-egg  chandelier,  and  he 
may  have  always  looked  forward  to  a  time  when  it 
would  no  longer  be  necessary  to  sacrifice  himself  to  the 
American  Moloch  "business,"  and  he  could  take  that 
admirable  modern  substitute  for  the  wings  of  a  dove, 
a  Cunarder,  and  with  another  "dearer  self"  seek  the 
relaxation  and  amusement  so  sadly  needed.  But  who 
ever  carried  out  this  delightful  and  impossible  day 
dream  ?  From  the  moment  a  trip  to  Europe  is  decided 
upon,  the  stars  in  their  courses  fight  against  such  an 
arrangement.  He  tells  his  wife,  who  straightway  com 
municates  the  interesting  fact  to  their  joint  families, 
who  think  it  (with  certain  modifications)  "perfectly 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  7 

splendid !  It  would  be  so  nice  for  sister  Lucy  to  go !" 
or,  "Margaret  is  out  of  health,  and  nothing  else  will 
cure  her ;"  or  "  Kate  has  a  wonderful  voice,  which  must 
be  cultivated ;"  or,  "  Mother  has  always  wanted  to  go 
abroad ;"  or,  "  Jack  ought  really  to  be  sent  to  Heidel 
berg."  And  so  that  most  unselfish  and  generous  of  all 
male  creatures  (who  ought  always  to  be  painted  with  a 
nimbus  around  his  head),  the  American  husband,  gives 
in,  after  one  or  two  feeble  remonstrances,  perhaps,  and 
Bails  on  the  "  Scythia"  or  the  ".Russia"  with  a  full  comple 
ment  of  petticoated  barnacles,  and  wears  his  necklace 
of  millstones  ever  after  with  the  beautiful  unconscious 
grace  of  the  hero  and  none  of  the  airs  of  a  martyr,  and 
hosts  of  foreigners  hold  up  their  hands  and  puzzle  their 
heads  over  the  strange  spectacle.  At  least  they  did, 
until  experience  taught  them  it  was  a  national  pecu 
liarity. 

But  this  is  straying  from  my  theme,  and  is  a  very 
roundabout  way  of  saying  that  Mrs.  Fletcher  was  not 
left  to  languish  alone  in  Cheltenham,  but  had  the  society 
of  a  rather  low-spirited  mother-in-law,  a  cheerful  sister, 
and  a  charmingly  pretty  and  accomplished  cousin.  A 
furnished  house  on  the  Promenade  was  taken  for  these 
ladies,  and  two  hours  after  their  effects  were  moved  in 
from  the  Plough  Hotel  one  might  have  supposed  that 
the  establishment  had  been  organized  for  twenty  years. 

Not  only  was  it  in  perfect  order  and  provided  with 
every  comfort  and  luxury,  including  a  staif  of  well- 
trained  servants  as  noiseless  as  the  white  cats  of  the 
fairy-tale,  but  some  minor  details  had  been  attended  to 
that  made  their  arrival  seem  almost  like  a  home-coming. 
The  jardinieres  in  the  windows  wero  a  mass  of  color; 


8  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

cut-flowers  were  placed  about  the  reception-room ;  the 
London  papers,  aired  and  the  leaves  cut,  had  been  laid 
on  the  drawing-room  table;  and  two  small  red-plush 
tea-tables  and  sleepy-hollow  chairs  had  been  drawn 
near  a  glowing  coal  fire  which  was  doing  its  best  to 
take  the  chill  off  the  November  day.  A  comfortable- 
looking,  round-bodied  bronze  tea-kettle  hissed  on  the 
hob ;  a  brisk,  busy  little  clock  ticked  cheerfully  on  the 
mantel-shelf;  and  the  ladies  had  hardly  laid  aside  their 
wraps  when  Walton  the  butler  appeared  with  a  huge 
silver  tray,  which  he  bore  in  with  as  much  dignity  as 
if  he  had  been  offering  them  the  keys  of  the  city  on  a 
velvet  cushion,  or  figuring  in  a  Lord-Mayor's  show. 

On  that  tray  was  a  set  of  dainty  Worcester  china, 
with  a  gorgeous  tea-cosey  extinguishing  the  too  volatile 
butterflies  on  the  teapot,  and  the  thinnest  possible  slices 
of  buttered  bread,  and  a  covered  dish  of  the  incomparable 
Cheltenham  muffins,  than  which  nothing  can  be  lighter 
or  browner  or  more  buttery  or  more  entirely  satisfac 
tory.  And  when  Walton  had  asked  in  a  husky  whisper 
whether  they  "would  be  pleased  to  ring  if  there  was 
anything  more  required,"  and  vanished,  there  was  an 
amount  of  tea-drinking  done  that  would  have  shocked 
Dr.  Johnson.  "  The  trimmings,"  as  Mr.  Fletcher  face 
tiously  put  it,  were  not  neglected ;  and  I  doubt  whether 
the  accumulated  noises  of  the  solemn  old  house  for  the 
past  century  would  have  amounted  to  as  much  cheerful 
racket  as  was  made  by  the  merry  family  party. 

"  I  am  glad  I  am  going  home,"  said  Mr.  Fletcher, 
"  instead  of  staying  here  in  the  trying  role  of  master  to 
that  very  superior  domestic  Walton.  I  couldn't  do  it : 
he  would  find  me  out  in  a  week.  I  should  never  dare 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  9 

to  be  helped  thrice  to  anything,  unless  it  was  '  cold 
boiled  missionary,'  of  which  he  might  approve,  for  he 
looks  like  an  archbishop.  I  felt  that  he  was  my  master 
the  moment  he  took  my  overcoat  down-stairs.  I  lost 
confidence  in  my  tailor  on  the  spot.  I  felt  as  though  I 
had  come  home  from  school  for  the  holidays,  or  done 
something  that  I  could  only  atone  for  by  assuming  an 
apologetic  attitude  and  entering  upon  a  course  of  sys 
tematic  propitiation." 

"  Nonsense,  Ned  !  how  absurd  you  are !"  commented 
his  wife.  "  Besides,  he  who  propitiates  under  such  cir 
cumstances  is  lost." 

"  Oh,  you  may  be  sure  I  didn't  give  way  to  the  im 
pulse.  I  frowned,  and  looked  as  though  my  temper 
was  bad,  and  got  up-stairs  as  soon  as  possible.  I 
shouldn't  in  the  least  mind  meeting  the  Prince  of 
Wales,  or  the  Lord  Chancellor ;  but  there  is  something 
inexpressibly  awe-inspiring  about  the  British  flunkey. 
Deny  it  as  we  may,  very  few  Americans  can  honestly 
say  that  they  feel  themselves  a  match  for  the  majestic, 
inscrutable  creature." 

"  Dear  me,  Kate !  you  have  never  kept  house  in  Eng 
land  ;  and,  though  you  are  a  famous  manager  at  home, 
don't  you  rather  dread  the  idea?"  said  the  rather- 
alarmed  Lucy;  but  Mrs.  Fletcher  lowered  her  calm 
eyelids  and  replied,  "  You'll  see  I'll  be  a  match  for  them, 
f  shall  make  mistakes,  of  course,  at  first ;  but  I  shall 
get  one  of  the  natives  to  enlighten  me  as  to  their  sys 
tem  as  soon  as  we  present  our  letters,  and  show  myself 
plus  royaliste  que  le  roi,  a  rigid  stickler  for  all  my  rights, 
and  a  great  respecter  of  theirs.  It  is  the  only  way  to 
get  along  comfortably  with  servants  anywhere." 


10  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  Katherine  pants  for  the  fray,  as  anybody  can  see," 
said  Mr.  Fletcher.  "  When  I  get  back  from  New  York 
I  shall  expect  to  find  the  magisterial  Walton  meekly 
engaged  on  the  knives  and  boots,  and  the  other  servants 
mere  door-mats.  Even  in  the  '  land  of  the  free,'  you 
know,  there  was  something  about  her  that  made 
Bridget  stammer  when  asking  if  she  was  the  woman 
that  wanted  a  '  gurl'  and  announcing  that  '  she  was  the 
lady  that  had  come  for  the  washing.'  " 

"  We  shall  be  fearfully  cheated,  and  had  much  better 
have  stayed  at  the  hotel,  as  I  suggested,"  said  Mrs. 
Fletcher  senior  from  behind  the  "  Times,"  in  a  muffled 
voice  of  disapprobation. 

The  dressing-bell  put  an  end  to  this  discussion.  Lucy 
and  Jenny  Meredith,  who  had  been  rambling  about  the 
room  admiring  the  cabinets  and  old  china,  were  promptly 
sent  to  their  rooms,  and  the  other  ladies  soon  followed, 
encountering  two  rosy  maids  armed  with  hot- water  cans 
in  the  hall  outside. 

A  capital  little  dinner  was  served  by  the  "arch 
bishop,"  assisted  by  a  very  young  and  irresolute  foot 
man,  who  made  wild  dashes  at  the  side-tables  when 
anything  was  asked  for,  and  was  always  headed  off  by 
his  superior,  who  paralyzed  him  with  a  look,  set  down 
the  dish  he  carried,  substituted  the  proper  vegetable  or 
condiment  with  noiseless  despatch,  and  retired  into  the 
background  to  await  further  orders.  Indeed,  he  made 
a  "function"  of  the  meal,  and  the  ladies  exchanged 
glances  when,  on  Mr.  Fletcher's  asking  for  a  second 
supply  of  game,  Walton  glided  forward  and  said  re 
spectfully,  "  Beg  pardon,  sir,  it  has  all  been  served." 

When  the  door  finally  closed  on  him  after  coffee  had 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  11 

been  served,  Jenny  burst  out  with  "  What  a  relief! 
Really,  Kate,  that  man  makes  a  'cold  baked  meats' 
affair  of  every  meal ;  and,  as  for  me,  I  feel  like  what  I 
once  heard  called  at  a  funeral  '  the  dear  remains.'  The 
oppressive  stillness  and  overpowering  gentility  of  this 
arrangement  is  quite  stifling,  and  tells  on  my  democratic 
nerves.  Why  not  take  one  of  those  rosy  pretty  little 
creatures  in  stuff  dresses  and  white  caps  as  parlor-maid 
instead  ?  The  way  we  all  discussed  the  state  of  Ireland 
and  the  Tichborne  case  and  the  elections  was  something 
delightful  to  hear!" 

"  I've  often  thought,"  said  Mr.  Fletcher,  "  that,  as  we 
never  can  talk  of  anything  that  interests  us  before 
servants,  it  would  only  be  fair  to  ask  them  what  sub 
jects  would  most  interest  them." 

"And  I  think  intelligent  servants  a  fearful  bore. 
You  know  in  the  South  we  are  rather  apt  to  think  of 
them  as  '  it,' — an  impersonal  contrivance  for  giving  us 
what  we  want,  without  any  embarrassing  or  disagree 
able  features  whatever,"  Jenny  replied. 

"  Walton  has  a  secret  grief,  or  only  one  lung,  or  a 
great  enthusiasm,  or  something  that  lifts  him  above  his 
fellow-men,  and  the  menial  estate  in  which  we  find  him 
only  adds  to  his  melancholy  without  obscuring  his  in 
herent  dignity,"  said  Mr.  Fletcher.  "Have  you  noticed, 
Kate,  how  like  our  print  of  Melancthon  he  is  ?" 

"  I  notice  that  he  is  my  beau-ideal  of  a  servant ;  and 
if  I  could  only  give  him  half  my  income  and  induce  him 
to  go  home  with  us,  I  should  feel  it  a  bargain  to  be 
proud  of.  The  conversation,  though,  is  losing  its  intel 
lectual  tone,  isn't  it?"  And  Mrs.  Kate  led  the  way  to 
the  drawing-room. 


12  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

In  the  course  of  the  following  week  the  Fletchers 
presented  their  letters  of  introduction  to  two  influential 
families,  and  were  received  with  the  kindness  which 
characterizes  English  hospitality  when  a  guest  is 
properly — i.e.,  formally — commended,  and  which,  al 
though  less  promiscuous  than  our  own  often  indis 
criminate  entertainment  of  man  and  beas*,  is  equally 
genuine  and  hearty  in  its  way.  Mr.  Fletcher  was  put 
up  at  the  club  as  a  visitor,  though  he  protested  that  it 
was  not  worth  while,  under  the  circumstances.  Tickets 
were  sent  for  the  approaching  assembly,  and  invitations 
to  luncheons,  teas,  drums,  dinners,  and  parties  of  every 
kind  poured  in  upon  them.  As  a  family  they  were 
received  with  great  favor,  and  society  was  engaged  in 
dealing,  and  Walton  in  shuffling,  cards  diligently  for 
several  weeks. 

Mr.  Fletcher  was  pronounced  "  an  uncommonly  gen 
tlemanly,  agreeable  fellow."  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior,  who 
wore  the  blackest  possible  dresses  and  the  whitest  pos 
sible  caps,  was  evidently  of  quite  appalling  respecta 
bility;  and  her  manner,  which  had  a  curious  rigidity 
that  passed  for  hauteur,  together  with  a  way  she  had  of 
trampling  people  down  with  the  heel  of  assertion  on  all 
occasions,  seemed  to  make  a  very  favorable  impression. 
Indeed,  she  was  called  "  a  most  aristocratic  old  gentle 
woman"  by  a  certain  mondaine,  and  took  up  the  study 
of  "  Debrett's  Peerage"  and  convinced  herself  that  be 
cause  her  grandmother  was  a  McSomething  she  waw 
descended  from  Rob  Roy. 

People  soon  found  that  young  and  handsome  as  Mrs. 
Kate  was,  in  the  large,  fair  order  of  loveliness,  she  was 
not  in  the  very  least  degree  fast  or  flirtatious :  so  she 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  13 

received  the  high  meed  of  praise  embodied  in  "good 
form."  As  for  the  girls,  they  were  both  admired,  though 
in  very  different  degrees.  Lucy,  who  had  a  pretty  little 
figure,  the  national  clothes-wearing  faculty,  and  a  pair 
of  wonderfully  fine  eyes,  with  a  yard  or  so  of  eyelashes 
veiling  them,  was  thought  "  a  nice  girl,"  simply ;  but 
Jenny  created  a  furor.  She  was  a  thorough-paced 
American  beauty,  of  the  flower-like  and  ethereal  type, 
and  had  an  air  of  distinction  that  was  far  more  charm 
ing  than  any  merely  physical  charm.  She  had  been  the 
belle  of  a  second-rate  Southern  city,  indulged  beyond 
belief,  and  had  really  scarcely  any  education  except  such 
as  a  refined  home  and  a  love  of  reading  had  given  her, 
and  where  she  learned  to  dress,  walk,  dance,  talk,  and 
appear  as  she  did,  is  a  mystery  which  can  only  be  solved 
by  her  versatile  and  clever  countrywomen  who  achieve 
the  same  feat  every  day.  Music  was  part  of  her  family 
inheritance,  and  she  played  brilliantly.  Always  a  deli 
cate  girl,  she  had  not  been  kept  closely  at  her  books,  yet 
gave  every  one  the  impression  that  she  was  very  highly 
educated.  Accustomed  to  the  informal  social  atmos 
phere  of  a  provincial  tOAvn,  she  somehow  never  offended 
against  the  rigid  convenances  of  English  life,  and  in  any 
capital  of  Europe  would  have  been  singled  out  for 
admiring  notice. 

None  of  the  party  had  ever  been  long  enough  in 
England  to  know  anything  of  its  social  aspects.  Mrs. 
Kate's  first  care  was  to  master  the  details  of  English 
housekeeping.  She  began  by  consulting  a  new  friend, 
an  old  lady  who  had  the  reputation  of  being  a  domestic 
Wellington,  —  and  together  they  went  into  the  ques 
tions  of  beer-money,  board-wages,  charwoman's  perqui- 


14  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

sites,  tradesmen's  books,  coal-siftings,  bread  soakings, 
cheese  parings,  and  the  like  marvels  of  good  manage 
ment.  When  Mrs.  Kate  got  home  that  day,  she  said  to 
the  girls,  "  Well,  I  used  to  think  that  I  knew  something 
about  housekeeping  and  economy,  and  all  that,  but  it 
seems  that  I  have  been  an  ignorant  and  wasteful  house 
wife  after  all.  I  find  that  I  could  have  supported  a 
couple  of  families  on  what  I  have  always  thrown  away, 
and  that  in  a  well-ordered  Northern  household !" 

The  very  next  day,  as  she  was  looking  over  the  week's 
bills,  with  their  confusing  ha'pennies  and  farthings,  the 
cook  tapped  at  the  door,  entered,  courtesied,  and  said, 
"  If  you  please,  mem,  you  have  not  yet  mentioned  what 
you  want  me  to  do  with  the  drippings." 

"Good  gracious!  what  can  the  woman  be  talking 
about  ?"  thought  the  mistress ;  but,  like  Mr.  Toots  at 
the  commercial  dinner  when  his  neighbor  suddenly  de 
manded  fiercely  what  he  would  do  with  the  raw  mate 
rial,  she  replied,  "  Cook  it,"  with  diplomatic  vagueness. 

"  Yes,  mem,  I  quite  understood  about  that ;  but  what 
then?"  urged  cook. 

"  Why,  set  it  aside  to  cool,"  replied  Mrs.  Kate  calmly. 

"And  after  that,  mem?"  said  cook,  driving  her  mis 
tress  unconsciously  into  a  corner. 

"  I  have  not  quite  decided  yet,  but  I  will  let  you  know 
to-morrow  when  I  come  down  to  give  the  orders.  You 
can  go  now,"  responded  the  mistress  with  decision. 

Go  she  did ;  and  Mrs.  Kate,  putting  on  her  bonnet, 
rushed  around  to  her  Mentor,  and  was?  told  that  "  drip 
pings,"  the  fatty  substance  exuding  from  the  various 
meats,  formed  an  important  perquisite  in  some  house 
holds  for  cook,  who  sold  \t  for  eighteenpence  a  pound  j 


THE  PERFECT   TREASURE.  15 

while  in  others  an  untold  saving  was  effected  by  using 
it  to  make  cakes  and  fry  fish. 

The  cook  was  in  a  state  of  subdued  radiance  when 
she  was  informed  that  alf  the  drippings  were  to  be  hers, 
and  great  was  the  amusement  of  the  Americans  over  the 
episode.  Mrs.  Fletcher  had  demonstrated  her  capacity 
for  governing,  and  from  that  time  everything  went  as 
smoothly  as  possible.  She  found  in  Walton  an  invalu 
able  aide-de-camp.  A  dozen  times  a  day  one  or  other 
of  the  ladies,  who  had  had  the  most  afflicting  experience 
of  the  domestic  service  of  America,  would  break  out 
into  warm  praise  of  that  "  perfect  treasure," — that  swift, 
noiseless,  capable,  respectful,  honest  creature.  "Walton 
paid  their  bills  and  accounted  scrupulously  for  every 
penny;  he  picked  up  and  returned  careless  Jenny's 
purse  over  and  over  again ;  he  ordered  their  bouquets, 
bought  gloves,  matched  ribbons  with  feminine  discre 
tion  and  success.  He  escorted  them  to  and  from  all 
sorts  of  places,  was  invaluable  on  picnics  and  excur 
sions,  and  several  times  went  up  to  London  on  errands 
for  them.  He  was  never  tired,  or  pert,  or  saucy.  He 
never  once  forgot  or  neglected  a  duty,  or  seemed  to  see 
or  hear  anything  not  intended  for  him.  His  talent  for 
admitting  the  right  and  excluding  the  wrong  callers 
was  not  the  least  remarkable  of  his  gifts.  In  short,  as 
his  mistress  once  exclaimed,  with  rapture,  he  was  "  the 
most  perfect  product  o£  European  civilization,  and  there 
isn't  such  a  servant  on  the  whole  American  continent." 
Mrs.  Fletcher  senior  was  so  impressed  by  the  thoughtful 
care  for  her  comfort  evinced  by  his  sending  the  footman 
with  galoshes,  wraps,  and  umbrella  to  church  for  her 
whenever  it  rained,  without  waitiag  for  orders,  that  she 


16  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

confidentially  told  her  greatest  friend — the  widow  of  a 
general  officer,  much  interested,  like  herself,  in  such 
matters — that  she  was  quite  sure  that  Walton  came 
morganatically  or  surreptitiously  of  good  blood,  and 
added  that "  the  last  of  the  Plantagenets  died  a  butcher." 

While  he  was  developing  all  these  excellencies  in  the 
seclusion  of  the  servants'  hall,  the  young  ladies  of  the 
house  were  finding  in  the  festivities  of  the  season  and 
the  novelty  of  their  surroundings  a  fresh  and  piquant 
interest.  At  the  first  dinner-party  to  which  they  went, 
two  or  three  things  happened  that  gave  unusual  zest  to 
the  prosaic  occupation  of  eating.  Lucy  was  taken  in 
by  a  stout  gentleman,  who,  like  Thackeray's  aldermen, 
seemed  to  have  but  one  idea, — "  gorging,  guzzling,  and 
gormandizing," — and  did  not  address  her  until  coffee 
appeared,  when  he  suddenly  roused  himself,  and,  mis 
taking  her  for  her  Southern  cousin,  asked  whether  it 
was  "  her  father  or  her  grandfather  who  was  a  black.'' 

Lucy  had  barely  succeeded  in  setting  forth  her  claim 
to  be  regarded  as  a  member  of  the  Caucasian  race,  when 
the  conversation  turned  upon  women's  rights,  and  she 
was  obliged  to  disclaim  the  distinction  of  belonging  to 
that  party,  which  no  doubt  reassured  her  companion  as 
to  her  feminine  cast  of  character;  for  he  presently 
asked  her  if  she  was  fond  of  sewing,  and  if  she  em 
broidered  her  flannel  petticoats,  as  his  sisters  were  in 
the  habit  of  doing.  , 

Meanwhile,  Jenny  had  fallen  to  the  lot  of  a  very  High- 
Church,  pensive-looking  young  clergyman,  and  was  con 
verting  him,  sentimentally,  into  pulp,  while  he  was 
trying  to  gain  some  insight  into  her  favorite  pursuits 
by  putting  questions  that  puzzled  her.  "  Do  you  col- 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  17 

lect?"  said  he,  with  an  earnest  glance  at  his  pretty 
neighbor. 

"He  means  subscriptions,  of  course,"  thought  Jenny; 
then,  'aloud,  "  No,  never.  I  can't  ask  people  for  money — 
for  anytb'ng.  They  either  refuse  altogether  or  patronize 
one  for  six  months  afterward  on  the  strength  of  a  fifty- 
cent  subscription." 

"  You  have  quite  misunderstood  me,"  put  in  the  curate 
hastily,  with  a  little  blush.  "  I  was  talking  of  stamps, 
and  autographs,  and  that  kind  of  thing,  you  know." 

Whereupon  Jenny  announced  that  she  did  not,  and 
never  would,  "  collect,"  and  the  conversation  trickled 
feebly  in  another  direction  for  a  while. 

Presently  he  said,  with  a  profoundly  interested  air, 
"Do  you  splutter?" 

"  Splutter !  splutter !"  thought  Jenny.  "  "What  can 
the  man  mean  ?  Do  I  fall  down  in  an  epileptic  fit  occa 
sionally  and  foam  at  the  mouth  ?"  Then,  aloud,  "  No, 
not  often.  Do  you?" 

"  I  don't ;  but  they  all  do  at  home.  My  six  sisters 
are  always  at  it." 

"The  whole  family!  It  can't  be  fits!"  thought 
Jenny,  thoroughly  mystified.  "Dear  me!"  she  ex 
claimed.  "  Do  tell  me  how  they  manage  it." 

The  curate,  enchanted  by  her  dimpled  vivacity,  gave 
a  very  elaborate  description  of  a  process  by  which,  with 
a  comb,  a  tooth-brush,  and  a  bottle  of  India  ink,  the 
exact  impression  of  any  fern  can  be  transferred  to 
paper,  linen,  or  satin  ;  and  Jenny  hypocritically  prom 
ised  to  "  try  it  some  dull  day  when  she  had  got  herself 
on  her  hands." 

That  night  the  girls  exchanged  experiences  as  they 
b  2* 


18  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

put  on  their  dressing-gowns  and  took  down  their  back- 
hair,  and  they  agreed  that  the  impossibility  of  knowing 
what  would  be  said  next  gave  an  indescribable  charm 
to  the  social  situation  in  England ;  though  Jenny,  de 
scended  from  a  Virginian  signer  of  the  Declaration,  and 
immensely  proud,  within  well-bred  limits,  of  her  English 
ancestry,  was  rendered  speechless  on  hearing  that  she 
had  been  supposed  to  be  one  or  two  removes  from  "  a 
black." 

Nor  did  their  impression  of  the  astounding  lengths 
to  which  English  frankness  can  go  lose  force  as  time 
went  on :  indeed,  it  seemed  to  them  that  all  the  things 
about  which  Americans  are  habitually  most  reticent 
were  being  dragged  into  the  light.  Family  affairs,  family 
scandals,  money-matters,  a  thousand  topics  that  at  home 
were  either  never  mentioned  at  all  or  discussed  with 
closed  doors  in  family  councils,  while  furnishing  food 
for  the  mild  or  malignant  gossip  of  the  world,  they  here 
found  proclaimed  from  the  house-tops  by  the  people 
most  concerned,  and  that  with  entire  simplicity,  as  a 
mere  statement  of  facts,  with  no  apologies,  no  attempts 
at  justification,  and  no  faintest  evidence  of  feeling  per 
sonally  implicated  or  compromised  on  the  part  of  the 
narrator.  It  took  the  girls  some  time  to  adapt  them 
selves  to  the  change  and  wear  just  the  right  face  when 
these  surprising  revelations  were  made.  It  was  evident 
that  no  one  else  was  at  all  astonished  by  them. 

One  afternoon  some  amis  de  la  maison  dropped  in 
for  five-o'clock  tea.  and  in  the  course  of  conversation 
the  subject  of  kleptomania  came  up.  When  everybody 
had  contributed  his  or  her  share  to  the  general  stock  of 
experience,  anecdote,  and  comment,  a  charming  young 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  19 

fellow,  who  was  leaning  against  the  mantel-shelf,  lazily 
sipping  his  tea,  smiled  blandly,  shifted  his  position  BO 
as  to  catch  Jenny's  eye,  and  said,  "  Queer  thing,  isn't 
it  ?  My  aunt  was  had  up  for  it  in  London." 

The  statement  was  made  with  perfect  simplicity  and 
an  air  of  bonhommie  which  seemed  to  give  it  the  aspect 
of  any  other  agreeable  on  dit :  it  was  received  by  the 
English  people  present  as  a  matter  of  course,  and  ex 
cited  neither  amazement  nor  amusement. 

Jenny  and  her  cousin  with  difficulty  smothered  the 
desire  to  laugh  outright,  murmured  some  commonplace 
intended  to  be  sympathetic,  stole  a  glance  at  each  other, 
though  both  knew  it  to  be  a  lapse  from  good  breeding, 
and  were  obliged  to  have  rec6urse  to  their  handker 
chiefs  to  conceal  the  smiles  that  would  play  around 
their  mobile  lips. 

Later  on,  a  discussion  arose  as  to  whether  the  Arabs 
were  right  in  saying  that  no  amount  of  age  or  experi 
ence  avails  a  man  in  buying  a  horse  or  choosing  a  wife, 
when  another  young  swell  gave  his  emphatic  assent  to 
the  truth  of  the  proverb,  and  proceeded  to  illustrate  his 
views  as  follows :  "  There's  my  grandfather.  The  old 
beggar  had  three  wives,  and,  at  the  age  of  eighty,  was 
about  to  marry  his  cook,  when  he  died.  Lucky  thing, 
wasn't  it?" 

These  incidents  provoked  much  lively  comment  when 
our  Americans  were  again  alone,  and  renewed  laughter. 
Some  of  the  party  could  not  believe  that  they  were  not 
exceptional,  and  ought  not  to  be  set  down  to  personal 
eccentricity  rather  than  a  national  habit  of  mind.  All 
thought  that  mortal  frankness  could  no  further  go ;  but 
in  this  they  were  mistaken. 


20  Oy  BOTH  SIDES. 

The  next  day  a  gentleman  called,  sat  up  very  straight, 
holding  his  hat  at  the  correct  angle  and  wearing  an  air 
of  mild  expectancy,  and,  when  the  usual  inquiries  and 
greetings  had  been  exchanged,  turned  to  Mrs.  Fletcher, 
and  said,  "  I  suppose  you  have  heard  about  my  brother 
Hugh  ?"  • 

"  Not  I.     Is  anything  amiss  ?"  she  asked. 

"  Well,  yes.  You  see,  Hugh  always  was  a  bad  lot. 
He  is  the  greatest  rascal  in  England ;  regular  blackleg. 
He  has  been  going  to  the  bad  ever  since  he  was  weaned, 
and  now  he  has  run  off  with  his  wife's  governess. 
Pretty  little  devil ;  been  angling  for  him  for  months. 
Wife's  a  fool ;  crying  her  eyes  out  about  him." 

The  visit  over,  the  girls  went  off  to  get  ready  for  a 
visit  they  had  promised  to  make  at  a  country-house 
fifty  miles  away.  Jenny  was  tying  her  bonnet-strings, 
when  the  postman's  rap  was  heard,  and  presently  the 
maid  brought  in  a  letter  from  the  lady  who  had  invited 
them.  Jenny  tore  it  open,  and  read : 

"THE  LODGE,  Tuesday,  10  A.M. 

"  MY  DEAR  Miss  MEREDITH, — I  write  to  say  that  my 
brother  arrived  quite  unexpectedly  last  night  from 
Bournemouth,  with  his  keeper ;  and,  as  he  is  quite  mad, 
and  seems  rather  excitable  just  now, — though  harmless 
enough  in  the  main,  poor  dear ! — it  occurs  to  me  that 
you  and  your  cousin  would  prefer  to  come  to  us  after 
he  has  left, — say  Thursday  of  next  week,  and  by  the 
same  train." 

;<  I  should  rather  think  we  would,"  commented  Jenny, 
with  empressemmt.  "  Was  there  ever  such  a  people  for 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  21 

lolling  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  and  nothing  but  the 
truth  ?  '  Tout  se  sgaif  in  England,  certainly.  They  all 
live  morally  in  the  Palace  of  Truth,  with  every  door 
and  window  wide  open.  Only  fancy  the  elaborate  fibs 
that  an  American  hostess  similarly  placed  would  have 
told,  even  if  every  creature  of  her  acquaintance  knew 
quite  well  that  she  had  a  brother  in  an  insane  asylum. 
I  am  not  quite  sure  that  I  like  English  frankness.  It 
often  strikes  me  as  indelicate,  and  always  as  astounding ; 
but,  after  all,  there  is  a  good  deal  to  be  said  in  its  favor. 
What  is  lost  in  refinement  and  finesse  is  gained  in  sim 
plicity  and  sincerity.  There  is  something  very  refresh 
ing  in  the  absence  of  the  transparent  social  fictions  to 
which  we  arc  accustomed.  It  is  quite  delightful  to 
hear  people  say  simply  that  they  can't  afford  to  do  this 
or  that,  or  to  go  here  or  there,  instead  of  perjuring  their 
snobbish  little  souls  in  fifty  distinct  directions  in  wild 
and  wholly  unsuccessful  efforts  to  convince  a  sceptical 
public  that  black  is  white.  There  is  Mrs.  Harford,  at 
home,  for  instance,  whose  daughter  has  been  stretched 
on  a  couch  for  years  with  spinal  disease,  which  the 
mother  always  speaks  of  as  'a  little  weakness  of  the 
muscles  of  the  back.'  And  Mrs.  Travers,  who  says  that 
she  has  '  come  out  just  to  do  some  shopping  in  a  simple 
foulard,'  which  anybody  can  see  is  a  black  alpaca  of  the 
rustiest  description.  Don't  you  remember  how  amused 
we  were  by  that  preposterous  girl  from  New  Jersey 
who  wasn't  going  to  Newport  because  her  health  was 
so  shattered  that  nothing  but  a  summer  in  a  farm-house 
(with  board  at  twenty  dollars  a  month)  could  restore 
her?  One  is  reminded  of  Scribe's  diplomate,  and  the 
reputation  for  Machiavellian  astuteness  that  he-achieved 


22  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

as  accidental  envoy  at  a  petty  court  by  simply  telling 
the  truth  (which  not  a  soul  could  be  brought  to  believe) 
about  himself  and  his  affairs.  I  really  think  it  would 
be  the  only  way  for  Americans  to  deceive  each  other 
about  such  matters  now,  we  have  put  so  much  talent 
and  ingenuity  into  our  social  white  lies." 

"  Well,  I  hope  it  isn't  immoral,  but  I  prefer  our  sys 
tem,  decidedly,"  said  Lucy.  "  First,  there  is  the  intel 
lectual  gratification  of  a  clever  fiction,  if  it  is  clever,  or 
the  satisfaction  of  thinking  one  could  easily  have  in 
vented  a  better,  if  stupid ;  with  the  comfortable  arriere- 
pensee  that  one  is  not  being  the  least  bit  in  the  world 
deceived  by  it  in  either  event.  And  I  don't  care  to  be 
taken  into  people's  closets  and  shown  their  skeletons.  I 
like  them  dressed  d  la  mode  and  properly  presented  in 
the  drawing-room.  When  I  first  came  over,  Jenny,  I 
thought  there  was  something  about  me  that  invited  the 
confidence  of  the  British  public,  and  that  it  would  be 
as  unpardonable  for  me  to  repeat  what  was  told  me  to 
you  or  Kate  as  for  a  priest  to  publish  confessions.  But 
I  know  better  now.  What  is  one  to  say  when  a  man 
announces,  as  Mr.  Battersby  did  yesterday,  that  he 
thinks,  and  has  always  thought,  his  wife  the  most  thor 
oughly  disagreeable  woman  in  England  ?  It  is  really  a 
most  uncomfortable  position  to  be  placed  in." 

The  conversation  was  here  cut  short  by  a  second 
knock  at  the  door.  This  time  it  was  Walton,  who  an 
nounced  "  a  young  person  from  Debenton  &  Freeman's," 
and,  having  received  orders  to  show  her  up,  disappeared 
for  a  moment,  and  presently  returned,  followed  by  a 
tall,  handsome  girl,  carrying  two  large  boxes  of  cloaks* 
and  mantles,  which  she  asked  to  be  allowed  to  display 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  23 

Permission  was  readily  granted  ;  and  it  is  needless  to  say 
that  the  remainder  of  the  afternoon  was  devoted  to  the 
sacred  mysteries  of  shopping,  the  trio  twittering  away 
like  so  many  sparrows  under  the  eaves,  as  the  "  young 
person,"  with  many  blushes  and  modest  mien,  tried  on 
a  succession  of  wraps,  each  of  which  looked  a  shade 
more  stylish  than  the  other  on  the  slim,  graceful  figure. 
That  evening,  as  the  girls  were  rolling  up  the  Prom 
enade,  en  route  to  a  dinner-party,  they  caught  a  glimpse 
of  the  "  young  person,"  who  had  exchanged  her  black 
silk — the  property  of  the  shop — for  a  cheap  print  and 
a  shabby  shawl,  and  was  hurrying  home  in  the  twilight 
to  a  cottage  three  miles  away,  where  a  widowed  mother 
and  five  little  sisters  and  brothers  lived  principally  upon 
her  munificent  salary. 


II. 


EARLY  in  the  Cheltenham  season  the  Fletchers  wero 
invited  to  come  to  "  tiffin"  at  "  The  Bungalow,"  a  charm 
ing  little  villa  on  the  outskirts  of  the  town,  with  French 
windows  looking  out  on  a  model  English  lawn  in  front, 
and  verandas  covered  with  wisteria  running  around  the 
other  three  sides.  It  was  a  delicious  little  nest,  bursting 
with  books,  prints,  souvenirs  of  travel,  good  bits  of 
china  and  odds  and  ends  that  cried  out  to  be  examined, 
rugs  with  a  bloom  on  them  like  a  plum,  snug  corners 
that  invited  irresistibly  the  most  insensible  visitor  and 


24  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

rewarded  him  with  unexpected  glimpses  of  the  grounds, 
the  conservatory,  or  the  Malvern  Hills,  and  everywhere 
the  last  indescribable  touch  which  showed  that  it  was 
a  home,  not  a  museum  or  a  bric-a-brac  shop,  and  that, 
after  all,  its  best  furniture  was  the  master  and  mistress 
of  the  establishment.  Very  clever,  cultivated  people 
they  were, — a  retired  officer  (often  described  in  the 
community  as  "  an  old  Indian,"  in  allusion  to  his  past 
military  service)  and  his  accomplished  wife.  They  had 
taken  a  fancy  to  the  Fletchers  on  first  meeting  them, 
and  had  shown  them  marked  attention,  producing  so 
favorable  an  impression  that  poor  Mr.  Fletcher's  letters 
from  England  were  one  hymn  of  praise  of  the  Yenables, 
and  he  wrote  back  that  he  hoped  he  might,  without 
giving  offence,  say  that  he  wished  he  either  knew  the 
Venables  and  could  therefore  share  the  enthusiasm  of 
the  family,  or  that  they  didn't  and  could  not  therefore 
bore  him  further  with  accounts  of  their  friends'  as 
tounding  perfections.  A  series  of  luncheons  was  one 
feature  of  the  intimacy,  and  the  one  in  question  was  a 
rather  more  formal  affair  than  usual,  given  by  Mrs. 
Tenable  with  the  view  of  introducing  her  American 
friends  to  some  English  cousins  lately  arrived  in  the 
place, — Sir  Eobert  Heathcote  and  his  nephew  and  heir. 
The  baronet  was  a  fresh-colored,  well-preserved  man 
of  sixty-five,  with  rather  a  brandy-and-watery  eye, 
genial  manners,  and  that  general  bouquet  of  prosperity 
which  the  possession  of  thirty  thousand  pounds  a  year 
never  fails  to  impart  when  it  comes  by  inheritance. 
His  nephew  was  an  extremely  good-looking  young  fel 
low,  of  the  conventional  London  stamp,  not  very  bright, 
but  with  plenty  of  conversational  sixpences  that  passed 


THE  PERFEV'l    TREASURE.  25 

current  everywhere  and  were  often  declared  to  be  sov 
ereigns  by  British  matrons  with  marriageable  daughters, 
— a  simple-hearted  officer  in  one  of  the  household  regi 
ments,  and  wonderfully  unspoiled,  considering  that  he 
had  been  brought  up  in  the  purple — who  knew  perfectly 
wf.ll  the  advantages  as  well  as  the  disadvantages  of 
being  a  bon  parti,  and  never  meant  to  be  taken  alive  by 
any  matron  in  the  land,  charm  she  never  so  wisely. 
Besides  these  gentlemen,  there  were  only  two  other 
guests  present, — a  very  shy,  fair  girl,  who  blushed 
deeply  whenever  she  was  directly  addressed, — Mabel 
Vane  by  name, — and  a  quiet  young  London  barrister, 
who  had  the  good  fortune  to  be  seated  next  to  Jenny. 

Sir  Robert,  with  Mrs.  Fletcher  on  one  side  of  him 
and  Lucy  on  the  other,  naturally  began  (in  a  large, 
hearty  voice)  to  talk  of  America,  and  Astonished  them 
quite  as  much  by  his  breezy  familiarity  with  the  history, 
climate,  population,  and  peculiarities  of  Chicago,  on 
which  he  evidently  greatly  prided  himself,  as  by  his 
utter  ignorance  of  the  rest  of  the  country.  He  had 
never  crossed  the  Atlantic,  he  said,  but  fully  meant  to 
do  so,  as  he  had  a  distant  cousin  out  there  who  had  a 
town-house  in  Ohm)  and  a  country-place  in  Saint  Louih 
(pronounced  in  the  French  fashion),  to  say  nothing  of 
a  friend,  a  Southern  general,  "  quite  the  gentleman," 
who  had  done  something  very  remarkable  during  the 
war.  he  really  couldn't  say  what;  only  of  one  thing  ho 
was  sure, — the  general  had  been  with  Grant  on  the 
Potomac.  The  ladies  made  polite  responses  to  all  this, 
and,  without  meaning  to  do  so,  lapsed  into  the  local 
standard  of  pronunciation  in  naming  the  American 
localities ;  but  Sir  Robert  did  not  mind  it.  He  clunjr 
B  3 


26  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

firmly  to  his  preconceived  idea  of  the  way  the  names 
ought  to  be  pronounced,  said  "  Just  so"  to  all  their  ob 
jections,  and  insisted  that,  according  to  the  Indian 
standard,  he  was  right.  Nobody  present  having  the 
faintest  idea  what  the  aboriginal  standard  was,  the  dis 
cussion  naturally  fell  to  the  ground,  leaving  Sir  Eobert 
wearing  the  wreath  and  the  smile  of  the  victor. 

His  nephew  was  less  fortunate.  Attracted  by  tho 
delicate  high-bred  beauty  of  his  neighbor,  he  had  made 
unusual  efforts  to  monopolize  her  attention,  only  to  find 
that  Jenny  persistently  appealed  to  her  host  or  hostess, 
to  Mabel  Vane,  or  to  the  quiet  man  with  the  keen, 
clever  face,  on  her  right,  for  sympathy,  or,  if  she  turned 
to  him  at  all  in  talking,  did  so  evidently  from  a  well- 
bred  desire  not  to  ignore  him  altogether.  Her  fresh 
and  original  way  of  putting  things  interested  then  all, 
and  so  piqued  his  languid  interest  that  he  did  not  lose 
a  word,  and  before  the  meal  was  over  felt  quite  viciously 
toward  the  unoffending  barrister,  whom  he  mentally 
scored  as  "  a  poor  devil  with  not  more  than  five  hundred 
a  year."  The  truth  was  that  Mr.  Heathcote,  from  a 
long  habit  of  looking  down  upon  women  as  dangerous 
or  disagreeable  creatures,  all  more  or  less  bent  upon 
marrying  the  heir  to  "  The  Towers,"  securing  the  ueual 
settlements,  and  wearing  the  Heathcote  diamonds,  had 
contracted  a  moral  squint  which  showed  itself  in  some 
ugly  little  ways,  well  veneered  .as  he  was,  and  really 
well  intentioned  in' the  main,  and  this  Jenny,  with  the 
esprit  de  I'escalier  of  the  sex,  had  at  once  divined  and 
resented.  Jenny  having  mentioned  that  she  hoped  to 
have  a  season  in  London  before  going  home,  he  said, 
with  animation,  "  Oh,  yes ;  you  really  ought,  you  know. 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  27 

You  will  have  no  end  of  a  good  time.  Pretty  girls 
always  do.  But  I  am  afraid  I  shall  not  be  allowed  to  do 
more  than  make  my  bow.  English  girls  never  look  at 
me  in  their  first  season, — they  all  feel  booked  for  a  duke ; 
but  in  the  second  they  can  see  me  across  the  Park ;  and 
in  the  third  you  have  no  idea  how  irresistible  I  am,  and 
how  the  dear  mamma  dotes  on  me." 

"  Come,  now,  Arthur ;  you  really  ought  not  to  make 
fun  of  the  poor  mothers,"  put  in  his  hostess.  "  Only 
fancy  what  agonies  of  mind  a  woman  with  five  daugh 
ters  undergoes  in  England!  We  were  only  two,  you 
know,  but  all  the  same  when  we  both  got  engaged  the 
same  year  I  really  thought  mamma  would  have  died  of 

joy !" 

The  Americans  thought  this  quite  the  most  delightful 
speech  they  had  heard  for  an  age,  and  joined  heartily 
enough  in  the  general  laugh  that  followed  it,  which  had 
not  yet  died  away,  when  the  door  opened  and  a  tall 
elderly  woman  in  deep  mourning  appeared.  The  host 
ess  seemed  a  little  disconcerted,  but  rose  and  greeted  her 
cordially,  saying,  "Just  in  time  for  a  nice  pate,  Miss 
Frynno !"  made  a  place  for  the  new-comer  beside  her, 
and  introduced  her  to  the  Fletchers.  Miss  Frynne  had 
a  perfectly  stolid,  expressionless  face,  a  wandering  eye, 
and  a  rather  fidgety  manner.  She  fingered  her  knife, 
fork,  spoons,  and  napkins  nervously  until  she  was  served, 
and  then  fell  to  and  ate  steadily  and  ravenously,  with 
swift  despatch  but  without  grossness.  Learning  from 
some  remark  of  Sir  Robert  that  there  were  Americana 
present,  something  like  a  flash  of  intelligence  passed 
over  her  face,  and  she  said  with  animation,  to  nobody 
in  particular,  "  Do  the  birds  sing  there  ?"  Now,  th« 


28  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

girls  had  been  asked  so  many  absurd  tbings  about  their 
native  country  that  tbey  were  rather  sick  of  lecturing 
on  the  subject,  and,  besides,  misunderstood  the  temper 
of  this  inquiry,  and  fancied  it  patronizing  in  tone :  eo 
Jenny  said  quickly,  "  Oh,  dear,  no !  they  wouldn't  dream 
of  taking  such  a  liberty  in  a  new  country !"  and  Lucy, 
"  Why,  of  course!  What  an  odd  question!"  almost  at 
the  same  moment ;  whereupon  Miss  Frynne  hurriedly 
begged  pardon,  and  said, — 

"  No  offence  meant,  I  assure  you.  only  they  don't  in 
Australia,"  astonishing  the  girls  in  her  turn.  After  this 
she  devoted  herself  to  her  pudding  again,  which  she 
pronounced  "beautiful."  But  no  words  could  paint 
Jenny's  amazement  when,  chancing  to  look  at  her  a 
few  minutes  later,  she  saw  her  put  down  her  spoon, 
clap  both  hands  behind  her  ears,  press  some  springs, 
take  off  an  auburn  wig  that  covered  a  head  as  bare  as  a 
billiard-ball,  wave  it  about  a  few  times,  clap  it  on  again, 
settle  the  springs,  pick  up  her  spoon,  and  go  on  with 
her  pudding,  quite  unembarrassed  by  the  performance 
It  had  been  done  so  quickly  and  quietly  that  no  one  but 
the  cousins  and  their  hostess  had  seen  it.  Mrs.  Venable 
gave  the  girls  a  meaning  glance,  and  they  said  nothing ; 
but  from  that  moment  conversation  was  almost  out  of 
the  question  for  them,  and  they  were  always  stealing 
furtive  glances  at  Miss  Frynne  to  see  what  she  was 
about.  Presently  a  general  move  was  made,  and,  as 
they  filed  into  the  drawing-room,  Mrs.  Venable  dropped 
behind,  and  said  to  the  girls,  in  a  perfectly  tranquil, 
matter-of-fact  way, — 

"  She  is  a  little  touched,  you  see,  but  quite  harmless, 
poor  dear,  and  not  often  as  disagreeable  as  gho  was 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  29 

to-day.  She  used  to  be  a  great  friend  of  my  deai 
mother's." 

"  But  is  she  allowed  to  go  about  like  this  ?"  asked 
Lucy.  And  Jenny  put  in  "  All  alone  ?" 

"  Not  quite  ;  I  dare  say  we  shall  find  her  sister  wait 
ing  for  her." 

In  this  Mrs.  Venable  was  not  mistaken,  for  on  the 
first  sofa  they  found  Miss  Anastasia  Frynne,  a  cheerful, 
brisk  little  old  lady,  who  took  her  sister  and  put  her 
down  in  a  corner  with  a  book  of  photographs,  saying 
authoritatively,  "  Sit  there,  dear,  for  a  bit.  We  shall  be 
going  presently,"  and  then  came  over  to  talk  to  the 
Fletchers,  who,  she  said,  were  the  very  first  Americans 
she  had  ever  met.  "  You  see,  being  in  mourning,  I  go 
out  very  little"  (the  girls  glanced  at  the  bright  scarlet 
cloak  that  enveloped  her,  at  the  magenta  cravat  tied  in 
her  throat,  and  the  bow  of  cardinal  ribbon  that  fastened 
her  collar, — Avorn,  it  is  true,  with  a  black  dress, — and 
thought  that  grief  wore  a  cheerful  face  in  England), 
"  and  so  miss  seeing  people.  Barbara  is  very  confining, 
too.  But  I  am  sure  I  should  find  Americans  most  in 
teresting, — really  most  interesting.  I  have  read  a  great 
many  books  about  America, — a  very  great  many, — if  I 
could  only  remember  what  they  said, — the  conversion 
of  the  natives,  and  all  tkat.  Is  that  work  going  on  now, 
do  you  know  ?  I  should  like  to  know  more  about  it. 
Do  the  natives  wear  clothes  ?  And  what  do'they  speak  ? 
Surely  they  aren't  all  as  fair  as  you  and  your  sister.  Of 
course  time  and  education,  and  all  that,  would  make  a 
difference,  I  can  quite  see." 

Miss  Anastasia  was  evidently  laboring  under  an  im 
pression  that  the  girls  were  reclaimed  Indians,  and  they 

34* 


30  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

were  framing  some  sort  of  indignant  explanation,  when 
she  burst  in  again  : 

"  Now,  do  tell  me,  what  do  people  do  in  America  to 
amuse  themselves?" 

"  Very  much  what  people  do  elsewhere,  I  suppose," 
said  Jenny.  "  They  have  dinners,  and  balls,  and  parties, 
and  go  to  the  theatre  and  opera,  and  all  that." 

"  Do  they,  now,  really  f  Poor  things !"  exclaimed 
Miss  Anastasia,  in  the  tone  people  employ  when  talking 
of  a  Christmas  dinner  at  an  almshouse  or  Thanksgiving 
Day  at  the  penitentiary,  adding,  presently,  "  How  very 
interesting!"  Then,  getting  up,  she  announced  her  in 
tention  of  going,  made  her  sister  put  on  her  things,  and, 
coming  back  to  the  girls,  said, — 

"  You  will  let  me  come  and  see  you,  won't  you  ?  And 
should  you  mind  if  I  bring  Barbara  ?  Some  people  do ; 
but  I  don't  see  why  they  should,  she  is  so  very  harm 
less  ;  and  she  enjoys  going  about  tremendously,  though 
you  wouldn't  think  it,  perhaps." 

Lucy,  though  fully  aware  of  the  rudeness  of  the  act, 
could  not  stand  this,  and  gave  Jenny's  elbow  a  warning 
pinch.  In  Vain  :  Jenny  only  smiled,  and  said  she  was 
sure  her  cousin,  Mrs.  Fletcher,  would  be  very  happy  to 
see  both  sisters. 

When  they  had  gone,  Mrs.  Venable  came  up,  and  the 
girls  could  not  resist  the  temptation  to  repeat  the  choicer 
portions  of  Miss  Anastasia's  conversation,  spiced  with 
their  own  amusing  comments,  and  afterward  Mrs.  Ven- 
ablo  explained  that  the  two  sisters  had  lived  all  their 
lives  in  that  county,  had  only  twice  been  up  to  London, 
even,  and  might  be  pardoned  a  good  deal  on  the  score 
of  extreme  provincialism. 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  31 

"  Ob,  Katherine,  what  a  delicious  time  we  are  hav 
ing!"  exclaimed  Jenny  as  they  drove  home.  "Talk  of 
the  discovery  of  America !  what  is  it  compared  to  the 
discovery  of  England?  To  find  all  these  foreigners 
speaking  my  own  tongue,  to  speak  their  tongue  and 
feel  myself  a  foreigner,  and  to  be  at  home  and  abroad  all 
day  long,  is  just  perfection.  Don't  dream  of  taking  us 
on  the  Continent :  it  couldn't  interest  us  half  as  much." 

A  discussion  of  the  people  they  had  just  left  followed, 
and  the  hope  was  expressed  that  they  might  see  more 
of  them  except  Miss  Barbara. 

"  And  Mr.  Heathcote,"  Jenny  put  in. 

In  this  they  were  not  destined  to  be  disappointed,  for 
their  new  acquaintances  all  called  early  and  often,  and 
were,  besides,  met  .elsewhere  at  every  turn  (the  maiden 
ladies  excepted),  and  so  became  on  more  or  less  intimate 
•terms  with  the  Fletchers. 

The  Heathcotes,  indeed,  soon  came  to  the  house  as 
regularly  as  the  postman,  and  more  regularly  than  the 
sun,  and  with  a  better  knowledge  of  the  pair  came  a 
cordial  liking  of  the  elder  man,  and  a  good-natured 
tolerance  of  the  younger  as  a  well-meaning  but  not 
particularly  interesting  and  certainly  very  conceited 
person.  Sir  Robert  delighted  the  ladies  in  many  ways. 
He  was  so  kind,  simple,  and  sincere — so  genuine,  in 
short — that  they  really  grew  fond  of  him ;  and  he  was 
never  happier  or  more  entirely  at  ease  than  in  their 
congenial  and  sympathetic  society.  He  brought  the 
girls  books  and  music,  sent  Mrs.  Fletcher's  cablegrams, 
talked  Spurgeon  to  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior  (whose  heart 
was  much  set  on  the  destruction  of  the  world,  and  who 
muddled  herself  continually  with  the  prophecies  and 


32  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

their  interpretation  by  various  divines),  and  made  him 
self,  as  he  expressed  it,  "  a  house-cat," — really  a  trusted 
friend.  At  first  they  were  much  amused  by  what  struck 
them  as  oddities  and  eccentricities.  He  was  an  enthu 
siast  about  cricket,  and  constantly  went  to  see  the  col 
lege  matches,  took  part  when  ho  got  a  chance,  and 
talked  rapturously  of  the  play.  Then,  urged  by  the 
girls,  who  had  heard  from  his  nephew  that  he  was 
musical,  he  would,  after  dinner,  get  up  before  a  roomful 
of  people,  and,  without  any  consciousness,  apologies,  or 
even  accompaniment,  roar  out  with  capital  spirit,  if  not 
much  voice,  hunting-songs,  Border  songs,  Irish  songs, 
in  a  simple,  hearty  fashion  that  was  delightful.  One 
evening,  when  the  talk  happened  to  turn  upon  national 
dances,  what  did  Sir  Eobert  do  but  get  on  the  floor,  and, 
with  Lucy  for  a  pa'rtner,  go  through  the  sword-dance 
and  an  Irish  jig !  The  family  being  alone,  and  the  girls 
dull,  this  performance  was  rapturously  applauded  and 
encored.  Suddenly  Sir  Robert  snapped  his  fingers  and 
wrung  them  violently  as  though  he  had  been  stung  by 
something,  and  started  off  with  amazing  celerity,  his 
coat-tails  spread  out  like  a  fan,  jigging  and  hopping 
away  for  dear  life  in  the  Highland  fling.  When  it  was 
finished,  he  dropped  into  the  nearest  arm-chair  and 
turned  the  reddest,  jolliest,  kindest  face  that  ever  beamed 
upon  a  delighted  audience  toward  the  girls,  crying  out, 
"  See  what  you  have  beguiled  me  into,  you  rogues  !" — 
adding,  as  he  mopped  and  composed  himself,  "  I  used  tc 
be  a  famous  hand  at  that  kind  of  thing  when  I  was  & 
youngster;  but,  God  bless  my  soul!  I  haven't  tried  it 
for  an  age." 
Sir  Eobert  had  only  been  giving  a  rather  unusual 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  33 

proof  that  he  was  like  the' rest  of  his  countrymen ;  for 
even  the  cleverest  Englishmen — men  distinguished  in 
every  walk  of  life, — men  who  have  held  the  highest 
positions  of  public  trust, — men  of  the  most  liberal  edu 
cation,  extensive  travel,  and  widest  experience — seem 
to  retain  to  the  last  a  certain  childlike  quality  of  mind, 
a  relish  for  simple  pleasures,  a  natural,  homely,  clean- 
hearted  way  of  looking  at  things  that  is  beautiful. — 
rare  in  our  young  people,  and  confounded  with  child- 
•shness  by  many  of  our  men. 

"  We  should  think  Jay  Gould  or  one  of  our  Cabinet 
officers  quite  mad  if  he  had  behaved  like  Sir  Robert 
to-night ;  but  if  I  were  a  little  boy  I  shouldn't  at  all 
mind  asking  Mr.  Gladstone  to  join  me  in  a  game  of 
marbles.  I  don't  think  he  would  trouble  himself  much 
about  the  loss  of  personal  dignity,  and  would  put  more 
heart  into  it  than  into  the  reception  of  a  Parliamentary 
committee,"  said  Jenny  to  Mrs.  Fletcher,  as  they  took 
up  their  bedroom  candles  and  filed  up-stairs  that  night. 

"  True,  Jane ;  but  all  the  same  I  have  no  desire  to  see 
the  Stock  Exchange  and  both  Houses  of  Congress 
doing  the  racket,"  that  lady  replied. 

Next  day,  about  eleven  o'clock,  the  ladies  were  com 
fortably  established  around  the  drawing-room  fire,  and 
Lucy  was  reading  Froude  aloud,  when  an  interruption 
came  in  the  person  of  "Walton,  who  tapped,  entered, 
stood  near  the  door,  and  finally  approached  Mrs. 
Fletcher,  but  still  said  nothing.  Impatient  to  go  on 
with  her  book,  Lucy  at  last  said,  by  way  of  dismissal, 
"-We  did  not  ring,  Walton,  and  require  nothing."  But 
that  functionary  lingered,  and  presently  said,  his  eyes 
on  the  carpet,  his  whole  manner  intensely  respectful, — 


34  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  If  you  please,  'm,  there  is  a  party"  (here  he  coughed 
discreetly  behind  his  hand) — "  a  person  describin'  him 
self  as  a  relation  of  the  family — from  America,  which 
I  was  to  say  the  name  is  Ketchum, — Mr.  Job  Ketchum. 
is  what  I  was  told." 

Walton  made  little  pauses  between  his  clauses.  He 
felt  that  he  was  impressive.  Having  finished,  he  cast 
one  swift  glance  around  the  group,  caressed  thought 
fully  his  luxuriant  side-whiskers,  and  dropped  his  eyes 
again,  waiting  for  orders. 

"Job  Ketchum!"  cried  out  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior,  in  a 
tone  of  horrified  amazement. 

"  Cousin  Job !"  echoed  her  daughter-in-law  feebly. 
"  What  on  earth — "  "  can  have  brought  him  here  ?"  she 
was  about  to  say,  but,  catching  Walton's  deferential 
eye,  she  changed  it  into  "  can  have  prevented  his  tele 
graphing  or  writing  to  us  to  expect  him  ?" 

The  look  of  gayety  and  cheerful  comfort  had  quite 
died  out  of  the  little  circle,  and,  feeling  that  they  were 
betraying  their  consternation  too  plainly,  Kate  paid  no 
attention  to  Jenny's  plaintive  "Who  is  Cousin  Job?" 
but  rose,  saying, — 

"  Well,  we  must  go  down  to  see  him."  And  with  the 
elder  lady  she  walked  out  of  the  room  and  down  the 
stairs.  Walton,  who  had  seated  "the  person"  on  one 
of  the  hall  chairs  until  his  claims  should  be  investi 
gated,  had  preceded  them,  and  was  hanging  up  a  shabby 
overcoat  and  a  new  soft  felt  hat,  hopelessly  limp  in  the 
crown,  on  the  rack,  making  a  feint  of  brushing  the 
latter  carefully,  that  he  might  be  present  at  the  inter 
view  without  seeming  to  wait  for  it,. 

Divested  of  his  outer  shell,  Cousin  Job  appeared  a 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  35 

man  of  medium  stature,  carelessly  arrayed  in  slop-shop 
garments,  having  a  pleasant,  shrewd  face,  and  a  stamp 
of  immense  vitality  and  energy  about  him.  He  hur 
ried  to  meet  his  aunt,  imprinted  a  sounding  kiss  on  her 
cheek,  and  said, — 

"  Well,  this  is  nice, — to  see  relations  in  this  strange 
land !  Been  in  London  for  a  week,  where  I  didn't  know 
a  soul.  I  am  delighted  to  see  you  all," — with  a  hearti 
ness  and  an  air  of  feeling  himself  entirely  welcome,  now 
that  he  had  got  among  his  kindred,  that  made  both 
ladies  instantly  ashamed  of  their  secret  sentiment,  and 
infused  something  more  than  politeness  into  Kate's 
reception  of  him. 

"  Where  is  your  luggage,  Job  ?"  she  asked ;  "  for  of 
course  you  are  going  to  stay  with  us  ?" 

"  That's  all  the  luggage  I've  brought"  (pointing  to  a 
shiny  black  portmanteau  on  the  hall  floor).  "  I  didn't 
want  to  bother  with  more,  just  for  a  flying  trip.  I  knew 
I  could  rig  myself  out  over  here  if  I  needed  anything ; 
but  I  guess  I'll  do  as  I  am.  When  did  you  hear  from 
your  husband?"  said  he,  mounting  the  stairs  as  he 
spoke.  Then  over  his  shoulder  to  Walton,  "Here! 
Bring  that  along  up  to  my  room,  and  get  me  some 
water." 

The  ladies  winced  at  this  peremptory  way  of  address 
ing  "  the  archbishop,"  and  were  prepared  for  a  revolt ; 
but  Walton  said,  with  his  usual  respectful  air,  "Yes, 
sir.  At  once,  sir,"  and,  seizing  the  bag,  disappeared 
into  the  back  premises. 

"  Hold  on,"  said  Cousin  Job  to  the  ladies ;  "  I've  got 
something  for  you."  And,  running  down  the  steps,  ho 
undid  a  gigantic  yellow-paper  parcel  he  had  brought 


36  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

with  him,  and  displayed  a  remarkably  fine  bunch  of 
bananas.  "  Those  are  for  you,  aunt.  I  remembered 
you  were  fond  of  them  when  I  saw  them  hanging  in  a 
big  fruit-store  on  Regent  Street,  and  brought  them 
along.  They  ain't  as  good  as  you  get  over  in  New 
York,  but  it  was  the  best  they  had.  Nice  place  that 
was.  There  was  the  prettiest  girl  in  there  I've  seen 
since  I  landed.  And,  if  you'll  believe  me,  aunt,  I  saw 
five  little  sweet  potatoes,  no  bigger  than  an  egg,  hang 
ing  up  in  the  window,  labelled  '  Madeira  fruit.'  I  told 
the  man  they'd  kill  themselves  laughing  at  the  idea  out 
in  Tecumseh,  Michigan,  where  I  came  from ;  and  he 
looked  like  an  owl  that's  been  hit  over  the  head  with  a 
shingle." 

Displaying  in  his  amusement  a  splendid  set  of  white, 
even  teeth,  and  with  an  eye  that  twinkled  with  the 
remembrance  of  his  London  adventure,  Mr.  Ketchum 
rejoined  his  relatives  on  the  landing,  and  together  they 
made  their  way  to  the  drawing-room,  to  which  the 
girls,  who  had  been  hanging  over  the  balusters  mean 
while,  had  now  prudently  retreated.  Here  he  was  duly 
introduced  to  Lucy,  whom  he  had  not  seen  since  she 
was  a  child,  and  to  Jenny,  whom  he  had  never  met, 
and,  remarking,  as  he  walked  about  the  room,  that  they 
were  "fixed  up  first-rate,"  and  that  their  "parlor"  was 
unlike  most  English  rooms,  which  he  said  were  "  hardly 
big  enough  to  swing  a  cat  in,"  seated  himself  near  the 
fire  and  poured  out  a  vivacious  account  of  his  trip  across 
the  Atlantic,  his  detestation  of  and  disappointment  in 
Liverpool,  the  English  climate  and  hotels,  and  indeed 
almost  everything  except  the  English  beefsteak.  Of 
his  private  affairs,  too,  he  talked  with  the  utmost  frank 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  37 

ness.  "  I  was  pretty  well  cleaned  out  three  years  ago," 
said  he,  as  he  crossed  his  legs  and  contemplated  a  neat 
boot  (which  was  the  one  evidence  of  dandyism  about 
him,  and  flowed  naturally  from  his  having  an  uncom 
monly  small  foot),  "but  I  kept  a  stiff  upper  lip,  and  I 
said  to  myself,  '  Don't  you  let  yourself  get  down  in  the 
mouth,  Job  Ketchum:  you'll  light  on  your  feet  yet.' 
And,  sure  enough,  I  made  a  change,  and  went  into 
partnership  with  a  friend  of  mine,  and  just  prospered 
right  along.  And  here  lately  I  made  a  hundred  thou 
sand  at  a  clip,  on  wheat.  That'll  do  for  a  start,  I  guess. 
And  I  got  tired  seeing  Sam  Bates,  the  biggest  man  in 
Tecumseh  he  thinks  himself,  swelling  around  the  place 
like  the  President  of  the  United  States,  talking  about 
Europe  and  what  he  did  when  he  was  '  abrard :'  so  I 
just  put  twenty  thousand  to  my  credit  at  Brown 
Brothers',  and  determined,  if  there  was  anything  to  see 
over  here,  I'd  see  it,  as  sure  as  my  name  was  Job  Ket 
chum.  And  here  I  am,  ready  for  fightin'  or  fiddlin'  or 
feastin',  as  the  Irishman  said." 

The  luncheon-bell  interrupted  the  flow  of  his  elo 
quence,  and,  looking  at  his  watch,  he  exclaimed,  "  Why, 
what  time  do  you  have  dinner  at  this  ranch  ?" 

"At  six.  But  we  will  have  something  now,"  said 
Kate. 

"  That's  right.  I  like  to  be  fashionable  when  I  can 
afford  it.  I  used  to  take  dinner — when  I  could  get  it — 
about  twelve  out  in  the  mines  in  Colorado,  and  two  is 
the  hour  in  Tecumseh  ;  but  you  are  all  high-flyers  over 
here.  Well,  when  I'm  in  good  health  I'm  as  good  for 
dinner  any  time  as  five  cents  is  for  a  ginger-cake. 
"Don't  put  yourselves  out  for  me,"  he  replied,  and,  noticing 

4 


38  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

the  girls'  smiling  faces,  said  to  his  aunt,  "Nice  lot  of 
goods,  these,  aunt.  AH  silk,  and  more  than  a  yard 
wide,  if  I'm  not  mistaken." 

At  which'  the  smiles  developed  into  hearty  laugh 
ter. 

The  afternoon  proved  a  rainy  one,  and,  for  a  wonder, 
no  one  called :  so  the  ladies  had  Cousin  Job  all  to  them 
selves, — a  state  of  affairs  they  were  far  from  regretting. 
Learning  that  he  proposed  to  spend  a  month  (and, 
seeing  their  countenances  fall,  he  reassuringly  added, 
"  And  longer,  if  I  like  it")  before  "  going  the  big  cir 
cuit,"  they  employed  it  in  trying  to  give  him  some  idea 
of  the  formalities  and  conventionalities  of  English  soci 
ety,  insinuated  a  good  deal  of  advice  disguised  as  gen 
eral  information,  which  they  hoped  and  prayed  he 
would  lay  to  heart,  and  with  infinite  tact  contrived  to 
set  before  him  some  of  the  most  prominent  reforms 
that  would  be  expected  of  him. 

"  There  is  a  capital  tailor  here,  Cousin  Job ;  and 
clothing  is  so  cheap  in  England,  you  really  ought  not 
to  go  home  without  a  complete  outfit.  Let  me  see: 
you  will  need  a  Park  suit,  and  an  evening  suit,  and  a 
couple  of  morning  suits,  at  once,"  said  Kate. 

"Nonsense!"  said  he.  "Ain't  this  all  right?  And 
I've  got  another  one  in  my  bag  that  is  better  still.  They 
ought  to  last  me  for  three  years, — made  of  th<  very 
best  broadcloth.  Why,  I  could  get  married  in  this  out 
West :  it's  fine  enough  for  anything."  He  looked  down 
complacently  at  himself  as  he  spoke,  and  Kate  was 
obliged  to  yield  the  point  for  the  moment. 

She  shifted  her  ground.  "  I  dare  say  we  shall  have 
you  '  the  glass  of  fashion  and  the  mould  of  form'  in  a 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  39 

httle  while, — a  regular  Bond  Street  swell,"  she  said. 
"  Of  course  you  know  that  you  will  have  to  sacrifice 
your  felt  hat  promptly,  cousin.  You  wouldn't  like  to 
be  conspicuous." 

"  Oh,  no ;  I'm  sure  he  wouldn't,"  put  in  Lucy,  sweetly. 

"  Everybody  who  is  anybody  wears  a  silk  hat  in  Eng 
land,  except  when  they  are  in  the  country,  and  then  a 
pork-pie  is  permissible,"  announced  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior, 
with  an  aggravating  air  of  being  a  supreme  court  and 
giving  a  final  verdict. 

This  was  unfortunate.  "With  a  thousand  good  quali 
ties,  Mr.  Ketchum  had  some  faults,  and,  for  one  thing, 
was  as  obstinate  as  a  mule.  He  scented  a  feminine  con 
spiracy,  and  planted  all  four  feet  firmly.  He  was  not 
going  to  be  led, — no,  not  he, — still  less  to  be  driven. 
So  he  made  what  he  and  a  great  many  of  his  country 
men  consider  the  proper  response  to  any  suggestion 
looking  to  the  imprisonment  of  one  of  Columbia's  free- 
born  sons  in  the  strait-jacket  of  European  convention 
alities,  and,  though  not  generally  profane,  lost  his 
temper,  and  said  hotly,  "  Damn  it !  I  am  an  American, 
and  I  shall  do  as  I  please." 

After  this,  as  may  be  supposed,  an  embarrassing  half 
nour  followed  for  all  parties,  which  was  broken  by  the 
girls  saying  that  they  must  go  and  dress  for  dinner,  as 
the  Heathcotes  were  coming.  Mrs.  Kate  followed  them, 
and,  leaving  her  dressing-room  door  open,  wandered  in 
and  .out  of  the  girls'  room  while  they  were  all  engaged 
in  this  rite,  reciting  Mr.  Ketch  urn's  biography  in  frag 
ments  : 

"You  know,  his  mother  ran  away  with  a  man  the 
family  detested,  and  went  out  to  the  West  to  livej  and 


40  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

this  was  the  only  son,  and  she  indulged  him  to  the  top 
of  his  bent  and  let  him  run  perfectly  wild.  He  came 
on  to  New  York  when  he  was  about  twenty,  and  elec 
trified  the  family."  (Disappearing  for  a  while,  and 
then  coming  back.)  "And — what  was  I  saying?  Ohl 
Well,  before  he  was  twenty-five  be  had  run  through 
everything  he  had,  and  the  last  we  heard  of  him  he  was 
washing  bottles  at  a  beer-saloon  out  in  Colorado  and 
leading  a  very  dissipated  life.  In  fact,  he  was  supposed 
to  have  gone  to  the  dogs  altogether." 

"  It  is  no  wonder,  Kate,  that  you  turned  positively 
green  when  you  heard  his  name,"  said  Jenny. 

"  Mamma  asked  him  about  it  to-day,  and  he  said  it 
was  a  pure  invention ;  that  he  was  really  working  in 
the  mines,  and  that  the  only  thing  he  regrets  about  it 
is  that  he  sold  a  claim  for  fifty  dollars  to  some  man  who 
got  thirty  thousand  out  of  it,"  said  Lucy. 

"  It  can't  have  been  all  true.  At  all  events,  he  seems 
all  right  now.  But,  I  must  say,  I  wish  he  hadn't  turned 
up  here.  Of  course  he  is  a  gentleman  at  heart,  and  all 
that,  but  he  is  dreadfully  rough,  and  has  absolutely  no 
usages  de  monde;  and  English  people  are  so  formal! 
And  I  can't  manage  him  a  bit,  as  you  see.  "What  will 
the  Heathcotes  think  of  him  ?  What  on  earth  is  he  put 
ting  on  for  dinner,  I  wonder !  I  pined  to  beg  him  not 
to  wear  that  awful  green  cotton  necktie,  but  I  didn't 
dare.  Oh,  you  may  laugh,  Jenny ;  but  I  don't  find  it 
amusing  at  all,"  said  Mrs.  Kate,  as  she  swept  in  for  the 
last  time,  fully  arrayed. 

The  objectionable  necktie  was  not  visible  when  they 
got  down.  Cousin  Job  had  put  on  the  other  suit,  which 
looked  to  them  an  aggravated  form  of  the  first  one, — 


THE   PERFECT  TREASURE.  41 

more  hopelessly  ill  fitting  as  to  the  coat,  baggier  in  the 
trousers,  shorter  in  the  waistcoat,  cut  neither  high  nor 
low,  with  linen  bulging  carelessly  above  it,  and  a  very 
narrow  black  cravat  tied  in  a  wild  bow,  with  long  ends, 
and  already  showing  a  disposition  to  work  around  under 
the  left  ear.  He  looked  decidedly  worse  than  before, 
and  all  the  more  so  by  contrast  with  the  Heathcoto 
men,  who,  in  full ,  canonicals  and  displaying  about  an 
acre  of  spotless  linen,  had  an  easy  unconsciousness  of 
being  well  dressed  and  the  general  millefleurs  cachet 
about  them  of  their  caste.  Cousin  Job  looked  at  them, 
and  having  long  ago  made  up  his  mind  that  any  man 
who  parted  his  hair  in  the  middle  must  be  a  fool,  made 
no  exception  to  this  valuable  rule  in  the  case  of  the 
uncle  and  nephew.  They  probably  thought  him — in 
deed,  young  Heathcote  said  as  much,  later — "  an  awfully 
rum  chap ;"  but  both  saw  reason  before  dinner  was  over 
to  modify  these  impressions  considerably.  For,  in  spite 
of  the  anxiety  of  Kate  and  the  incongruous  element 
introduced  at  the  eleventh  hour,  the  meal  went  off  ver^ 
pleasantly,  oven  gayly.  Sir  Eobert  seemed  delighted  to 
have  an  opportunity  of  learning  something  "  from  an 
eye-witness"  of  Colorado  and  the  Far  West  generally. 
He  asked  some  ton  thousand  questions  about  mining, 
milling,  the  various  ores,  the  climate,  population,  agri 
cultural  peculiarities,  and  geographical  situation  of  the 
border  States,  said  "  Just  so"  perpetually,  as  though  he 
had  known  it  all  before,  and  listened  with  avidity  to  all 
Coiisin  Job  said  in  reply. 

Knowing  the  ground  thoroughly,  the  American  lost 
sight  of  himself,  talked  not  only  fluently,  but  well,  and 
so  appeared  to  advantage.  Sir  Robert  grew  more  and 

4* 


42  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

more  interested,  and  harked  back  to  particular  points 
about  which  he  said  he  was  "  not  quite  clear,"  begging 
everybody's  pardon  if  ho  was  becoming  a  bore,  and  so 
beguiled  Cousin  Job  into  further  statements,  and  on  to 
reminiscences,  and  then  to  jokes,  given  in  his  native 
vernacular,  and  of  the  flavor  which  is  so  relished  by 
English  palates. 

Mr.  Ketchum  had  shown  himself  a  man  of  sense  and 
wit,  and  knew  it.  His  amour-propre  soothed,  he  was  no 
longer  on  the  defensive,  and  he  grew  every  moment 
more  at  ease.  As  for  young  Heathcote,  he  seemed  ex 
quisitely  tickled  either  by  the  matter  or  the  manner  of 
this  recital,  broke  into  what  he  considered  frightfully 
indecorous  and  unseemly  guffaws,  only  to  cork  himself 
up  again  with  the  utmost  suddenness,  and  at  last,  when 
Mr.  Ketchum  said  something  incidentally  about  "  the 
business  end  of  a  tin  tack,"  gave  way  altogether,  and 
burst  into  the  most  uproarious  and  infectious  fit  of  laugh 
ter.  He  went  so  far,  indeed,  as  to  slap  his  knee  in  his 
ecstasy,  referred  to  the  tack  with  a  fresh  outburst  of 
hilarity  several  times  during  the  evening,  and  repeated 
the  story  the  very  first  thing  at  his  club  next  morning, 
where,  indeed,  Sir  Robert  buttonholed  old  General 
Bludger  and  poured  out  a  mass  of  statistics  about  a 
certain  portion  of  America  which  he  had  been  "  credibly 
informed  was  the  greatest  grazing-region  of  the  world," 
advising  his  friend  to  send  his  sons  out  there. 

But  to  return  to  the  dinner.  When  Sir  Eobert  took 
up  the  conversational  ball,  he  drifted  into  some  of  his 
hunting  experiences  in  various  parts  of  Europe,  Africa, 
and  India,  and  Cousin  Job  was  obliged  to  concede  men 
tally  that  the  connection  between  the  premises  of  his 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  43 

favorite  theory  was  not  as  perfect  as  he  had  supposed, 
and  that  he  might  be  mistaken  in  his  conclusion ;  in 
short,  that  "  a  creature  bearing  the  outward  semblance 
of  a  man,  and  not  of  a  monkey,"  might  have  something 
in  a  head  of  which  the  hair  was  parted  right  down  the 
middle  that  entitled  him  to  the  respect  of  his  fellow-men. 
Having  decided  this,  he  ordered  Walton  to  fill  Sir 
Robert's  glass,  and  insisted  on  giving  as  a  toast,  "  Tho 
Anglo-Saxon  race,  first,  last,  and  all  the  time."  It  was 
well  received ;  and,  the  talk  turning  upon  yachting,  Mr. 
Ketchum  said  that  he  had  met  an  English  fellow  out  on 
the  Plains  two  years  before,  who,  he  had  heard,  owned 
the  fastest  yacht  afloat, — a  splendid  fellow,  he  said, 
named  Bartow,  and  from  Liverpool,  he  thought. 

"I've  met  that  fellow  somewhere,"  put  in  young 
Heathcote.  "  Big,  black  man,  isn't  he,  with  a  cast  in 
one  eye  ?" 

"  Well,  he  wasn't  what  we  should  call  a  black  man, 
or  even  a  '  colored  pusson,'  but  he  was  dark,  and  there 
was  a  tendency  to  bolt  the  ticket  in  the  right  optic,  I 
remember,"  assented  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  Who  is  he  ?  What 
is  he?" 

"  I  don't  know.  I  can't  say,  really.  I've  heard  he 
was  a  kind  of  a — "  (he  hesitated,  striving  to  pierce  the 
aristocratic  haze  that  veiled  such  occupations  in  his 
mind,  and  then  went  on) — "a  sort  of  cotton  fellow. 
Poor  devil !" 

This  amused  Mr.  Ketchum  in  his  turn,  and,  the  entente 
cordiale  being  now  complete,  he  ordered  more  cham 
pagne,  and  it  was  not  long  before  Kate  fancied  that  he 
had  already  taken  rather  too  much,  and  heard  with 
dreadful  anxiety  his  demands  to  have  his  glass  refilled. 


44  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Walton,  whom  nothing  escaped,  caught  her  eye  as  it 
iravelled  toward  her  cousin  for  the  twentieth  time,  and 
understood  the  whole  situation.  His  conduct  from  that 
moment  was  worthy  of  Talleyrand.  The  way  he  con 
trived  to  1)6  deaf  and  blind,  and  out  of  the  way,  and 
coming  presently  but  never  got  there,  and  only  half 
filled  the  glass  once  after  that,  was  masterly ;  but  he 
reserved  his  great  coup  for  the  moment  when  Kate  had 
given  the  signal  for  the  ladies  to  retire  (with  outward 
calm,  but  a  sinking  heart)  and  Mr.  Ketchum  had  ordered 
him  to  "  bring  up  a  half-dozen  bottles  of  that  cham 
pagne."  Then,  inscrutable  as  the  Sphinx,  he  stepped 
up,  with  his  usual  quietly  respectful  air,  to  his  mistress, 
and  said,  "  I  beg  pardon,  'm,  but  it  is  all  out.  The  order 
was  not  left  in  time,  and  Brown  &  Wentworth's  young 
man  has  just  been  round  to  say  it  will  be  sent  in  first 
thing  in  the  morning,  and  hoped  you  would  excuse  it." 

Kate,  being  a  woman,  understood  like  a  flash,  and 
with  graceful  apologies  insisted  that  the  gentlemen 
should  forsake  the  dining-room  as  soon  as  they  had  en 
joyed  a  cigar,  unless  they  preferred  the  Continental 
fashion  of  accompanying  the  ladies.  Cousin  Job  would, 
she  knew,  with  his  American  ideas  of  gallantry. 

Thus  appealed  to,  Cousin  Job  rose,  young  Heathcote 
opened  the  door,  and  they  all  trooped  back  to  the  draw 
ing-room,  where  the  remainder  of  the  evening  passed 
delightfully. 

Before  leaving,  Sir  Eobert  confided  to  Kate  that  her 
cousin  was  "  a  most  shrewd,  clever  fellow, — a  delightful 
fellow,"  and  had  offered  to  put  him  up  for  the  club,  in 
spite  of  a  meaning  cough  from  his  nephew. 

When  they  had  gone,  Job  very  much  surprised  the 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  45 

ladies  by  saying,  "  "Well,  Kate,  you  were  right,  after  ah. 
I  guess  my  clothes  ain't  quite  the  cheese.  I'll  go  and 
get  myself  fixed  up  to-morrow  at  that  place  you  were 
talking  of  to-day.  What's  the  name  ?"  and  allowed 
that  lady  to  tell  him  that  his  cravat  had  slipped  quite 
round  behind,  and  that  he  must  remember  to  put  a  pin 
in  when  he  dressed  himself,  without  showing  the  least 
annoyance. 


III. 


COUSIN  JOB  was  as  good  as  his  word.  Before  the 
girls  were  down  next  morning  he  went  out  for  a  walk 
on  the  Promenade,  and  came  home  to  find  his  aunt 
enjoying  the  fashionable  intelligence  in  the  "  Looker- 
On,"  in  which,  among  the  arrivals,  figured  the  name  of 
"  Mr.  Joseph  Ketchum,  United  States."  "  Call  that  a 
newspaper!"  said  he  indignantly  when  his  attention 
was  called  to  the  interesting  fact.  He  took  it  in  his 
hand,  flipped  it  scornfully  with  his  thumb  and  middlo 
finger,  and,  after  careful  examination,  protested  that  it 
was  not  to  be  compared  for  one  moment  to  the  "  Te 
cumseh  Clarion."  He  was  still  talking  about  it  when 
Kate  came  in  and  changed  the  current  of  his  thoughts. 
"  Well,  you  are  all  a  lazy  set  here !"  said  he  in  greeting. 
"  I  have  been  up  for  two  hours,  and  been  pretty  much 
all  over  the  place,  and  I  stopped  at  that  store  you  told 
me  about,  and  told  the  man  to  make  me  the  finest  suit 
he  knew  how  to  turn  out,  and  to  be  quick  about  it 
There  was  a  chap  there  that  smiled  me  in  and  smiled 


46  ON  BOTH  SWKS. 

mo  out,  and  wanted  me  to  buy  everything  on  the  shelves 
bad.  He  soft-sawdered  me  for  half  an  hour,  and  offered 
to  make  me  an  overcoat  like  the  one  they  had  just  sent 
the  Prince  of  Wales,  at  '  living  rates.'  But  I  laid  my 
fingers  on  my  nose  and  told  them  I  sabed  all  that,  and 
that  if  he  thought  we  weren't  up  to  snuff  in  America 
he  was  mistaken,  only  it  was  General  Grant's  coat  over 
there,  and  that  I  was  used  to  making  up  my  own  mind; 
if  I  wanted  anything  I  would  get  it,  and  if  I  didn't  he 
would  have  to  get  up  very  early  in  the  morning  to  sell 
it  to  me.  And  he  begged  my  pardon  when  he  saw  he 
had  waked  up  the  wrong  passenger,  and  said  that  he 
hadn't  meant  to  try  any  tricks  of  trade ;  theirs  was  a 
most  respectable  house;  only  if  I  had  any  'herders' 
they  would  be  glad  to  execute  them." 

"  What  did  you  say  to  that,  Job  ?"  asked  Kate. 

"  I  told  him  if  he  would  stick  to  that  programme  he 
might  make  something  out  of  me  yet ;  but  that  as  the 
prince  and  I  weren't  running  in  the  same  fire-brigade, 
it  didn't  matter  about  our  being  dressed  exactly  alike." 

Great  was  the  amusement  of  the  ladies  as  they  thought 
of  the  interview,  and  they  exchanged  eloquent  glances 
across  the  table,  while  Mr.  Ketchum  devoted  himself 
alternately  to  his  breakfast  and  a  map  of  the  town 
which  was  spread  out  beside  him. 

"  Cards  to  the  Benedicts'  ball  on  the  21st,  girls,  and  u 
very  kind  note  from  Sir  Robert,  to  say  that  he  means 
to  get  a  ticket  for  Cousin  Job,"  said  Kate.  •"  Isn't  it 
nice  of  him  ?  It  is  the  ball  of  the  season,  you  know, 
and  if  there  were  pasteboard  admittance  to  heaven  it 
could  hardly  be  more  coveted  than  cards  to  the  Bene 
dicts'." 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  47 

"  I  am  delighted !"  cried  Jenny  and  Lucy  in  a  breath, 
Doth  girls  having  known  for  some  time  of  the  coming 
event,  and  having  dresses  from  Paris  ordered  for  the 
occasion  and  worthy  of  it. 

"  But,  Kate,  I  do  so  wish  we  could  get  a  ticket  for 
Mabel  Vane  and  take  her  with  us.  Only  think  of  it ! 
she  is  eighteen,  and  as  pretty  as  a  pink,  and  has  never 
been  to  a  ball  in  her  life !  Such  a  frightful  case  of  des 
titution  in  the  upper  classes  has  never  come  under  my 
notice,"  said  Jenny.  "  This  is  the  way  I  came  to  know 
it.  She  was  here  yesterday,  and  was  saying  that  she 
supposed  we  were  very  gay,  and  I  asked  if  she  was 
going  to  this  ball,  and  she  said,  '  Oh,  no !  I  can't  afford 
it,  even  if  there  was  a  chance  of  my  getting  a  ticket, 
which  there  isn't.  Papa,  you  know,  was  a  poor  clergy 
man,  and  since  his  death  mamma  and  I  have  always  lived 
in  lodgings,  and  we  have  no  great  friends,  and  can't  en 
tertain,  and  so  we  are  quite  out  of  the  current.  I  ofteu 
wonder  how  it  would  seem  to  be  like  other  girls.  Mamma 
says  that  there  are  five  hundred  girls  here,  and  only  one 
hundred  men,  and  that  if  I  could  go  out  it  wouldn't 
be  the  least  use, — that  it  would  only  be  a  great  expense 
for  nothing,  I  should  never  get  an  offer,  and  I  am  better 
as  I  am.  But  I  don't  care  for  that,  and  I  do  so  long  to 
go  to  one  dance,  even  if  I  had  to  sit  against  the  wall  all 
the  evening.'  Poor  child !  her  eyes  were  full  of  tears, 
nnd  I  felt  so  sorry  for  her,  and  yet  her  English  way  of 
putting  it  was  so  comical  that  I  could  hardly  keep  my 
countenance." 

"  It  is  a  shame !  It's  perfectly  abominable !"  put  in 
Lucy.  "  Why,  if  I  have  been  to  one  party  I've  been  to 
five  hundred  of  various  kinds;  and  Mabel  says  that  she 


48  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

thinks  herself  awfully  lucky  to  be  asked  in  after  dinner 
at  a  few  houses,  or  occasionally  to  luncheon.  And  she 
is  such  a  sweet  little  thing,  and  such  a  thorough  lady." 

"  I  wonder  at  it,"  said  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior  pensively. 
"  I  have  heard  that  her  father  was  a  third-cousin  of  the 
Earl  of  Carsford,- — or  is  it  the  Marquis  of  Wolhampton  ?" 

But  this  nice  genealogical  point  was  never  settled; 
for  Cousin  Job,  who  had  been  breaking  three  eggs  into 
a  tumbler  and  stirring  them  with  the  most  unnecessary 
display  of  energy,  while  "Walton,  unable  to  bear  the 
sight,  had  retired  precipitately  to  the  butler's  pantry  to 
avoid  losing  any  portion  of  his  specific  gravity,  now 
looked  up  and  said,  "  I  can't  understand  how  girls  can 
get  so  far  below  par  in  England.  Buyers  seem  to  be 
backward  in  bidding,  and  holders  anxious  to  realize. 
The  old  lady  in  Threadneedle  Street  is  carrying  more 
petticoats  than  her  trade  will  warrant.  Now,  about 
that  young  friend  of  yours,  Kate.  If  money  will  do  it, 
just  get  her  a  ticket,  and  we  will  take  her  along  with 
us  and  see  that  she  has  a  splendid  time !  Why,  out 
West  she'd  have  eight  or  ten  felloAvs  haunting  the  house 
every  night,  and  sending  her  bouquets,  and  serenading 
her,  and  ready  to  jump  over  the  moon  to  please  her." 

"Money  can't  do  it,  but  influence  can,  Cousin  Job, 
and  we  will  see  what  can  be  done,"  replied  Kate.  "  She 
shall  go  if  we  can  possibly  manage  it." 

By  what  arts  and  machinations  it  was  managed  will 
never  be  known,  but,  although  a  member  of  the  Bene 
dicts'  Club  had  offered  twenty  pounds  for  a  ticket  that 
very  morning,  and  failed  to  get  it,  Jenny,  on  the  next 
afternoon,  received  from  her  friend  the  barrister,  with 
Mr.  Lindsay's  compliments,  a  large  square  envelope 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  49 

containing  an  enclosure  requesting  the  pleasure  of  Miss 
Vane's  company  on  Wednesday  the  21st  at  the  Assembly 
Rooms.  Putting  on  her  bonnet,  she  rushed  round  to  38 
Portarlington  Gardens  and  demanded  Miss  Vane  so  im 
periously  that  the  small  "  slavey"  who  opened  the  door 
asked  "  what  ever  was  hup,"  lingering  on  the  landing 
after  ushering  Jenny  up-stairs  to  catch  if  possible  some 
hint  of  the  news  she  scented.  The  whole  house  was 
"  hup"  when  her  errand  became  known.  Mabel  could 
hardly  believe  her  senses,  and  was  radiant  with  delight, 
Mrs.  Vane  equally  fluttered  and  profuse  in  thanks. 
The  question  of  raiment  for  this  lily  of  the  field  coming 
up,  Mrs.  Botts,  the  landlady,  who  had  once  been  maid 
to  a  countess,  was  called  in,  and  gave  her  opinion  at 
great  length :  the  dress  must  be  white  tarlatan,  she 
should  say,  over  a  silk  slip,  with  a  "  top"  cut  low  in  the 
neck,  a  white  satin  sash  and  slippers  to  match,  which 
was  what  her  ladyship  had  worn  on  an  even  greater 
occasion,  and  it  would  set  off  Miss  Mabel  "  wonderful." 
Miss  Marsh,  an  old  lady  on  the  second  floor,  who 
walked  nine  times  round  the  square  every  day  at  the 
same  hour,  starting  out  for  this  cheerful  tramp,  was 
attracted  by  the  sound  of  voices  and  looked  in,  heard 
what  was  going  on,  and,  trotting  back  to  her  room, 
brought  down  a  box  of  Roman  pearls,  which  she  said 
had  belonged  to  a  dead  sister,  and  would  Mabel  do  her 
the  favor  to  wear  them  ?  Mabel  would  not,  but  thanked 
her  as  prettily  as  possible,  and,  it  being  generally  agreed 
that  the  "  stuff  for  the  gown"  must  be  bought  at  once, 
the  two  girls  started  off  in  high  glee,  and  shopped  so 
briskly  and  sensibly  that  in  half  an  hour  the  foundation- 
stone  of  Mabel's  palace  of  delights  was  safely  laid :  the 


50  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

dress,  the  gloves,  the  slippers,  the  satin,  were  being 
borne  home  in  parcels  that  bulged  delightfully  and  fore 
told  to  one  pair  of  blue  eyes  at  least  a  world  of  bliss ! 

The  intervening  days  dragged  their  slow  length  along 
for  the  girls,  and  were  improved  by  Cousin  Job  in  sight 
seeing,  which  he  went  about  in  a  perfectly  fanatical 
way,  determined  that  nothing  should  escape  him,  and 
being  guided  solely  by  what  his  "hand-book"  said,  and 
not  in  the  least  by  what  he  himself  wished  to  see.  Sir 
Eobert  put  him  up  at  the  Club,  where  he  amused  him 
self  by  initiating  certain  gentlemen  into  the  mysteries 
of  draw-poker,  and  teaching  them,  as  he  put  it,  "to 
brew  egg-nog  on  scientific,  old- Virginia-forever  princi 
ples."  The  first  was  decorously  christened  "  American 
whist"  by  Sir  Eobert,  who  explained  to  General  Bludger 
that  the  latter  was  "  one  of  the  American  drinks, — 
something  like  the  '  eye-opener'  and  the  '  raise-the- 
dead,' " — two  beverages  that  he  firmly  believed  to  bo 
national  in  reputation. 

At  a  flower-show  in  the  Montpelier  Gardens,  which  he 
facetiously  dubbed  a  "  shower-flow,"  because  everybody 
was  driven  into  the  tents  and  summer-houses  three 
times  during  the  afternoon,  Mr.  Ketchum  met  Mabel 
Yane,  and,  taking  a  tremendous  fancy  to  her,  showed  it 
by  staying  gallantly  by  her  side  and  shielding  her  from 
the  rain  with  his  enormous  umbrella.  Finding  that  she 
had  on  thin  shoes,  he  disappeared  for  a  moment,  and 
greatly  surprised  her  a  little  later  by  turning  up  with 
her  overshoes  and  mackintosh,  which  he  had  sent  one  of 
the  Park  guards  for.  Poor  Mabel,  whose  only  experi 
ence  of  the  sex  so  far  had  been  one  of  scant  civility  or 
utter  indifference,  was  quite  overpowered  by  such  a  proof 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  51 

of  thouglitfulness,  and  blushed  herself  into  a  state  of 
damask-rosiness  in  acknowledgment  of  it  that  gave 
gratitude  a  new  and  very  beautiful  complexion  to  Mr. 
Ketchum,  who  was  accustomed  to  rendering  such  little 
services  on  all  occasions,  and  rather  used  to  their  being 
taken,  more  or  less,  as  a  matter  of  course. 

The  day  of  the  ball  arrived.  Mr.  Ketchum,  when  the 
arrangements  for  the  evening  were  being  discussed,  in 
sisted  on  getting  a  carriage  and  taking  Mabel  to  the 
ball,  and  Kate  had  great  difficulty  in  making  him  un 
derstand  that  it  would  positively  shake  Cheltenham  to 
its  centre  and  be  flying  in  the  face  of  all  English  con 
ventionalities,  that  Mabel  wouldn't  go,  and  that  it  was 
not  to  be  thought  of.  She  had  settled  all  that.  Wal 
ton,  who  was  perfectly  trustworthy,  should  go  for  her 
in  Mrs.  Fletcher's  carriage  and  bring  her  down  to  them; 
and,  once  under  the  wing  of  a  chaperon,  she  would, 
with  the  other  girls,  be  taken  "  properly"  to  the  As 
sembly  Rooms. 

"And  do  you  mean  to  tell  me,  Kate  Fletcher,  that 
they  trust  a  girl  over  here  with  a  footman  sooner  than 
with  a  gentleman  ?"  he  demanded  hotly. 

"  Yes,  I  do.  I  can't  help  it,  and  I  am  sorry  you  are 
vexed,  Job,  but  indeed  it  wouldn't  do,"  said  she,  which 
set  him  off  in  one  of  his  eager,  emphatic  orations,  call 
ing  upon  heaven  and  earth  to  witness  the  absurdity  of 
such  a  social  regulation,  and  winding  up  with, — 

"  Well,  I  shall  send  her  a  bouquet,  anyway.  I  sup 
pose  that  isn't  a  scandalous  proceeding  ?" 

"  Oh,  no !  quite  proper.  It  isn't  often  done,  unless 
people  are  engaged  j  but  still — " 

"Oh,  go  along,  Kate!     You  must   have  lost  your 


52  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

senses !"  lie  interrupted,  and,  clapping  on  his  hat,  left 
the  house. 

He  had  been  gone  some  hours.  The  girls  were  in 
the  drawing-room,  entertaining  the  Heathcotes  and  Ven- 
ables ;  and  Kate,  a  little  apart  from  the  others  in  the 
bow-window,  which  commanded  a  view  of  the  street 
and  front  steps,  heard  a  ring.  She  bent  forward  to  see 
who  it  was,  and  caught  a  glimpse  of  a  man  in  a  tower 
ing  white  beaver  hat,  and,  even  at  that  distance,  with 
something  queer  about  him.  Another  look, — a  stranger 
in  full  evening  dress,  at  one  o'clock  in  the  day !  Another, 
— the  stranger  turns,  and — oh,  horror!  oh,  "agony, 
rage,  and  despair!" — it  is  Cousin  Job! 

It  may  be  an  ignominious  pang  that  rends  her  bosom, 
but  Kate  is  a  woman  of  the  world ;  she  feels  it  to  be 
quite  equal  for  the  moment  to  battle,  murder,  or  sudden 
death.  In  five  minutes  he  will  be  in  that  room,  and 
there  is  that  odious  young  snob  of  a  Heathcote,  who  is 
always  sneering  covertly  at  Cousin  Job  as  it  is,  and 
doesn't  understand  him  at  all,  sitting  opposite,  immacu 
lately  arrayed,  his  hat  held  in  his  hand  at  an  eminently 
correct  angle,  his  offensive  eye-glass  screwed  firmly  in 
his  eye!  It  is  a  perfectly  unbearable  situation,  she 
thinks.  There  is  nothing  that  can  be  done,  and,  with 
a  crimson  face,  she  sits  still,  waiting  to  hear  the  fatal 
step  on  the  stair.  It  doesn't  come,  and  she  glides  out 
of  the  room  and  down  as  far  as  the  first  landing,  where, 
looking  down,  she  sees  Walton  and  Cousin  Job  parleying 
near  the  front  door. 

"  Who  is  up-stairs  ?"  asks  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  The  Miss  Frynnes,  sir,  I  believe ;  but  cook  answered 
the  door." 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  53 

Walton  knows  that  Mr.  Ketchum  detests  these  esti 
mable  women  for  some  reason,  and  takes  his  chance. 
Fixing  his  shrewd,  gray  eyes  on  him,  he  adds,  after  a 
pause,  "  The  tailor  sent  home  some  things  for  you,  sir, 
and  would  be  greatly  obliged  by  your  trying  them  on 
at  once.  His  man  will  be  back  in  'arf  an  'our  to  know 
if  they  suit." 

Mr.  Ketchum  still  hesitated,  holding  his  hat  in  his 
hand  and  rubbing  the  nap  energetically  with  his  silk 
handkerchief.  "  Tell  him  to  come  back  to-morrow,"  said 
he,  and  moved  toward  the  stair. 

"  Oh !  And,  if  you  please,  sir,  I  took  a  note  up  to 
your  room,  brought  a  moment  since,  which  the  maid 
from  Portarlington  Gardens  said  was  to  be  give  you  as 
soon  as  you  came  in." 

Mr.  Ketchum  stopped :  for  the  life  of  him  he  couldn't 
help  blushing,  and,  to  hide  it,  he  turned  brusquely  away 
and  walked  off  to  his  room. 

Walton  had  gained  the  day,  and,  unconscious  that  he 
was  being  observed,  leaned  against  the  wall,  and,  throw 
ing  back  his  head,  laughed  the  laugh  of  the  successful 
diplomat  whose  skilful  evasion  of  some  obstacle  has 
enabled  him  to  carry  his  point. 

It  was  the  first  time  Kate  had  ever  seen  the  real 
Walton,  and  it  gave  her  rather  a  startled  and  unpleas 
ant  sensation, — a  feeling  that  he  was  too  clever  by  half, 
thankful  as  she  was  to  have  the  social  calamity  averted 
that  she  had  so  much  dreaded.  But  the  sensation  was 
only  momentary.  "  He  is  doubtless  attached  to  the 
family,  and  knew  we  should  be  mortified.  It  was  very 
nice  of  him.  Really,  Walton  is  a  nonpareil  among  ser 
vants,"  she  thought. 

5* 


54  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

As  she  was  making  her  way  back,  the  drawing-room 
door  opened  ;  farewells  were  being  exchanged,  and  in  a 
few  moments  the  guests  were  safely  out  of  the  house, 
and  she  was  relating  the  agonizing  experience  of  the 
last  half-hour  to  the  girls. 

Jenny  laughed  until  the  tears  ran  down  her  cheeks : 
"  Oh !  to  think  of  his  putting  it  on  at  the  shop  and 
wearing  it  home  !  And  with  a  white  hat !"  she  cried. 

"And  that  awful  green  cravat!  My  dear,  it  is  my 
belief  that  he  means  to  be  buried  in  that  cravat,"  said 
Kate.  "  It  was  a  fearfully  narrow  escape  !" 

"  Why  didn't  you  let  him  come  up  ?  It  would  have 
been  such  a  crucial  test  of  the  breeding  of  those  people. 
Sir  Robert  and  the  Venables  would  have  been  a  shade 
nicer  than  ever;  but  can't  you  fancy  the  galvanic  shock 
it  would  have  been  to  young  Heathcote?  But  no, 
Kate.  Seriously  speaking,  I  wouldn't  for  the  world 
have  had  Mr.  Ketchum  put  in  such  a  disagreeable  posi 
tion  before  that  horrid  man.  He  is  a  kind,  generous, 
splendid  fellow,  and  worth  a  dozen  of  such  people ;  but 
all  the  same  he  would  have  looked  exquisitely  ludicrous, 
and  we  should  have  been  obliged  to  go  about  a  VAnglaise 
and  tell  people  that  he  was  a  little  mad,  and  we  hoped 
they  didn't  mind.  It  is  the  drollest  thing  I  ever  heard 
of.  You  are  such  a  worldling,  Kate,  that  I  wonder 
there  is  a  particle  of  coloring-matter  left  in  a  single 
tube  of  your  hairs." 

"  I  shall  tell  him  that  he  may  break  all  the  Com 
mandments,  and  blow  up  the  House  of  Parliament, 
and  set  fire  to  Windsor  Castle,  and  trample  on  the 
union  jack,  and  throw  vitriol  in  the  face  of  the  Princess 
oi  Wales,  if  he  likes,  but  that  he  is  never,  NEVER  to  put 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  55 

on  a  dress-suit  before  nightfall  in  England,  on  pain  of 
death"  said  Kate.  "I  know  he  has  grown  up  out  of 
the  world,  on  the  frontier ;  but,  still,  how  could  he  do 
such  a  thing?" 

No  spectator  was  present  at  the  interview  that  en 
sued,  of  which  Kate  only  reported  that  she  said  very 
tittle,  and  that  Cousin  Job  took  it  in  good  part. 

When  nine  o'clock  came,  Mabel  appeared,  looking  too 
quaint  and  pretty  for  anything.  Her  dress  was  cut  in 
the  fashion  of  a  very  remote  period,  with  what  was 
known  then  as  a  "baby-waist,"  and  queer  half-long 
sleeves.  She  was  sitting  bolt  upright  on  the  edge  of 
the  sofa  when  Kate  came  down,  evidently  afraid  of 
crushing  her  dress  and  soiling  her  gloves.  Her  eyes 
shone  with  pleasure,  and  a  more  charming  picture  of 
youth  and  innocence  it  would  be  impossible  to  find. 
She  was  as  fair  and  simple  as  an  English  daisy,  Kate 
thought,  as  she  came  forward  with  an  air  of  modest 
self-possession  and  her  usual  charming  little  blush : 
"  Do  you  like  me.  Mamma  says  that  I  do  very  well, 
but  that  no  one  will  notice  me  among  so  many  splendid 
people  in  Worth  gowns  and  all  that,  and  that  I  had 
better  give  over  thinking  of  myself  at  all  and  make  up 
my  mind  to  enjoy  looking  on." 

Kate  noticed  that  she  had  on  a  white  carnelian  neck 
lace,  shamed  into  looking  almost  blue  by  the  white, 
lovely  neck,  and  said,  "  Come  here,  dear,  and  let  me 
see,"  gave  a  disapproving  frown  to  the  English  over- 
skirt,  which  she  found  fearfully  and  wonderfully  looped, 
sent  for  some  pins,  and  rearranged  it  tastefully  in  a 
twinkling,  pinned  a  charming  bunch  of  natural  flowers 
in  her  dress,  insisted  on  giving  her  a  little  silver  ehato- 


56  ON  50777  SIDES. 

laine,  turned  her  about,  giving  any  number  of  those 
mysterious  touches  which  produce  such  an  effect  when 
given  by  a  woman  with  a  genius  for  dress,  and  at  last 
pronounced  her  " an  ideal  ingenue"  and  assured  her  that 
if  she  lacked  anything  it  was  rouge,  pinching  the  girl's 
rosy  cheek.  She  then  went  off  to  tie  Mr.  Ketchum's 
cravat,  and  that  gentleman  presently  returned  with  her, 
looking  extremely  well,  and  protesting  that  she  had  tried 
to  get  him  to  wax  his  moustache  and  part  his  hair  in 
the  middle,  but  that  this  was  against  the  constitution 
and  by-laws  of  the  State  of  Michigan,  and  that  he  was 
"  quite  enough  of  a  Tussaud  wax  figger"  as  it  Avas. 

Jenny  and  Lucy,  coming  in  resplendent  in  Paris 
dresses,  walked  up  and  down  to  give  the  family  a  pri 
vate  view  of  these  artistic  constructions ;  much  oscuU 
tion  followed  between  the  girls,  everybody  suddenly  dis 
covered  that  it  was  very  late,  and,  after  much  muffling 
and  shawling,  they  all-  rolled  away  at  last  to  the  ball. 

The  ball  had  the  three  great  requisites  for  such  an 
entertainment, — good  music,  a  capital  floor,  and  a  sup 
per  calculated  to  compensate  all  the  heavy  dowagers 
and  sleepy  papas  for  their  sufferings  as  chaperons. 
The  spacious  rooms  were  beautifully  decorated,  the 
orchestra  from  London  was  fiddling  away  in  the  gal 
lery,  the  dancers  were  spinning  and  whirling  at  a  tre 
mendous  rate  in  the  circles  chalked  off  on  the  floor,  the 
master  of  ceremonies,  who  was  nearly  as  imposing  a» 
"Walton  (and  no  earthly  dignitary  could  be  more  so), 
stood  near  the  door.  Our  party  advanced.  Sir  Eobert 
stepped  out  from  a  mob  of  gentlemen  and  offered  his  arm 
to  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior,  and  Jenny  had  already  taken 
that  of  a  certain  young  barrister  (in  preference  to  Mr 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  57 

Heathcote,  who  consoled  himself  with  Lucy),  and  a 
stout  clergyman,  who  had  just  finished  waltzing  what 
he  called  the  " troy  temps"  offered  to  escort  Kate. 
Mabel  slipped  a  timid  hand  under  Mr.  Ketchum's  awk 
wardly-proffered  elbow,  and  they  all  made  for  the 
benches  on  the  upper  side  of  the  room,  where  they  cast 
anchor.  Jenny  looked  about  her,  and  felt  as  an  actress 
does  when  she  gets  a  whiff  from  the  footlights;  Mabel 
was  terrified  by  the  glare  and  the  crush  and  the  crowd, 
and  felt  herself  morally  a  grain  of  mustard-seed  and 
the  least  of  all  these  birds  of  Paradise ;  Kate  began  to 
scan  the  toilets,  Mrs.  Fletcher  to  look  up  the  great  ones 
of  the  company ;  Mr.  Ketchum  remarked  that  it  was 
the  biggest  fandango  he  had  seen,  and  that  the  Assem 
bly  Rooms  compai'ed  favorably  with  any  hall  that  he 
knew  "  on  the  other  side  of  the  pond."  Kate  offered 
to  introduce  him  to  some  of  the  girls,  but  he  declined 
for  the  present,  and  stood  behind  Mabel,  looking  down 
admiringly  upon  the  fair  head  bent  every  now  and  then 
over  his  huge  bouquet,  which  had  already  created  a 
sensation  at  Portarlington  Gardens. 

Jenny,  as  a  belle  and  beauty  of  recognized  position, 
was  soon  surrounded  by  men,  and,  generously  intent 
upon  "  Mabel's  having  a  good  time,"  brought  them  all 
up  and  presented  them  in  turn,  having  previously  in 
terested  them  in  her  protegee.  The  consequence  was 
that  Mabel's  programme  was  soon  half  filled  up.  Out 
of  the  twenty-three  dances  she  was  engaged  for  twelve, 
and  Mr.  Ketchum,  who  was  already  down  for  four  of 
them,  was  begging  for  a  fifth,  when  her  first  partner 
arrived,  and  she  tripped  off  joyously  with  him  and 
joined  the  dancers.  Job  saw  her  making  vain  efforts  to 


58  0^  BOTH  SIDES. 

catch  his  step  (with  small  success),  her  pretty  face  wear 
ing  its  most  anxious  expression.  He  seemed  to  combine 
in  his  own  person  the  worst  traits  of  all  three  classes 
of  bad  dancers, — the  teetotums,  the  wobblers,  and  the 
go-aheads.  When  he  ought  to  have  gone  ahead,  he 
spun  around  for  five  minutes,  as  if  his  operations  were 
confined  to  a  hearth-rug ;  when  he  ought  to  have  tem 
porized  for  lack  of  space,  he  dashed  madly  ahead ;  and 
whenever  called  upon  to  guide  his  partner  decisively  in 
any  direction,  he  wobbled  infuriatingly  first  to  the  right 
and  then  to  the  left  in  an  embarrassing  series  of  false 
starts,  very  trying  to  a  novice.  Job  was  secretly  de 
lighted.  Like  most  Americans,  he  could  use  his  feet 
with  the  same  dexterity  as  a  French  actress  does  her 
hands,  and  he  waited  impatiently  for  his  turn  to  come, 
which  it  did  very  soon. 

Mabel  came  back  to  her  chaperon  looking  flushed  and 
harassed,  made  a  meek  little  speech  expressive  of  her 
regret  at  not  being  able  "to  quite  catch  his  step"  (skips 
would  have  been  nearer  the  mark  for  a  performance 
which  was  a  mixture  of  waltz,  polka,  mazourka,  High 
land  fling,  and  Irish  jig),  and,  with  a  "  Now-then !"  ex 
pression  of  triumphant  satisfaction,  Mr.  Ketchum  had 
taken  his  place.  At  what  "  fandangos"  he  had  gradu 
ated  in  the  graceful  art  is  not  known,  but  he  danced 
beautifully,  and  Mabel,  who  had  taken  lessons  and  had 
moreover  been  practising  the  "American  reverse"  for  a 
week  before  a  dingy  old  pier-glass  at  her  lodgings,  felt 
herself  borne  along  in  an  inspired  whirl,  forgot  that  she 
was  dancing  at  all,  in  the  technical  sense,  and  did  not 
stop  until  the  last  strains  of  the  "  Morgenblatter"  had 
died  away.  In  all  her  experience,  confined  hitherto  to 


THE   PERFECT  TREASURE.  59 

a  lonely  Welsh  curacy  and  Portarlington  Gardens,  there 
bad  been  nothing  like  it,  and  she  was  radiant. 

Meanwhile,  Jenny  had  taken  several  turns,  and  was 
resting  for  a  while  in  a  little  bower  of  ferns  and  foliage- 
plants  that  opened  into  the  ball-room.  She  was  with 
her  friend  the  barrister,  who  was  commenting  upon  the 
ecene  before  him.  "  Who  is  that  girl  there  in  yellow  ?" 
he  asked. 

"  Where  ?  Oh,  in  the  corner.  Smythe  is  her  name, 
I  believe.  Pretty,  isn't  she  ?" 

"  No.  Not  according  to  my  ideas.  She  looks  as 
though  she  didn't  tub.  Dash  of  the  tar-brush  there,  I 
should  say." 

"  Oh,  no !  Impossible !  You  should  not  say  such 
tbmgs,  really.  Besides,  she  isn't  so  dark  at  all." 

•'  It  isn't  her  skin  only :  her  hair  has  got  that  awful 
kink.  I  hate  it.  One  of  my  aunts  went  out  to  New 
Zealand  in  the  early  days  and  got  carried  off  by  a  Maori 
chief;  and  I  often  wonder  what  I  should  do  if  a  lot  of 
blackamoor  cousins  turned  up  in  the  Park  on  some 
sunny  day  in  the  height  of  the  season  and  laid  claim  to 
me.  Awful  lark  it  would  be,  wouldn't  it  ?" 

Jenny  burst  out  laughing,  and  agreed  that  it  would 
certainly  not  be  pleasant :  "  I  have  never  heard  you 
mention  any  of  your  relatives  before.  Have  you  a 
mother  and  sisters?" 

"  I've  got  the  usual  supply  of  mother,  arid  shoals  of 
sisters.  My  mother  came  down  from  town  to-day  with 
one  of  them, — Edith,  the  eldest." 

"  Did  she  ?"  replied  Jenny,  with  animation.  "  Why 
didn't  you  bring  her  with  you  to-night  ?  But  I  suppose 
U  was  too  late  to  get  a  card." 


60  UN  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  Oh,  she  never  goes  to  balls.  She  is  on  the  shady 
side  of  forty,  and  never  goes  in  for  anything  in  the 
shape  of  amusement,  except  penny  readings  for  the  de 
serving  poor  and  those  awful  parish  tea  and  harvest- 
home  things.  She  got  me  to  one  of  them  once,  but  I 
don't  think  she  will  ever  do  it  a  second  time.  She  is  a 
district  visitor,  and  has  a  soup-kitchen  and  all  that :  she 
really  is  an  excellent  creature,  but  she'll  never  get  a 
husband  in  the  world." 

"  What  are  the  others  like  ?"  asked  Jenny,  delighted 
with  this  brief  biographical  sketch. 

"  The  next  one  is  named  Gertrude,  and  she  is  quite 
passee,  too,  and  rather  like  Edith :  curates,  and  croquet, 
and  that  kind  of  thing,  you  know.  She  is  awfully  plain, 
poor  thing !  and  makes  herself  no  end  of  a  frump  by  the 
way  she  dresses.  The  third  one  is  very  pretty,  and  is 
married  to  a  fellow  in  the  Carbineers ;  and  the  fourth 
was  thought  the  best-looking  girl  that  was  presented 
the  season  she  came  out.  She  is  down  in  the  country 
now,  though  she  hates  it  most  awfully.  It  is  a  con 
founded  shame  to  keep  her  there ;  but  the  governor  says 
she  has  had  two  seasons,  and  played  her  cards  very 
badly, — going  and  getting  engaged  to  a  missionary, — 
and  can't  have  any  more.  I  dare  say  he  will  take  her 
up,  though,  when  he  comes  round.  I  wrote  her  to-day 
to  give  the  old  chap  his  head  and  not  oppose  him,  and 
it  would  all  come  right." 

"  And  is  that  all  ?"  asked  Jenny,  hoping  that  it  wa3  a 
large  family.  "  How  very  sad  for  your  sister !  People 
can't  always  control  such  things,  and  I  suppose  she  had 
forgotten  that  Cupid  has  sovereigns  for  wings  nowadays 
and  always  perches  near  the  Bank  of  England." 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  61 

"  I  am  sorry  for  her,  too.  She  is  my  favorite  sister, 
and  she  was  awfully  cut  up  about  it.  But  what  was 
the  use  ?  There  is  another,  Caroline,  just  out  of  the 
school-room,  and  disgustingly  slangy  and  horsey  and 
doggy.  I'd  like  to  shake  it  all  out  of  her,  but  she  is  the 
governor's  favorite,  and  does  exactly  as  she  pleases. 
The  three  others  are  still  in  the  nursery,  thank  heaven  1" 

"What  a  lot  of  you!"  exclaimed  Jenny. 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?  We  don't  consider  ourselves  a 
large  family  at  all.  The  mater  was  one  of  sixteen." 

A  pause  followed  this  statement,  and  then  Jenny 
began  again. 

"  Is  yours  a  pretty  part  of  England  ?  Not  that  I  need 
ask,  for  it  is  all  lovely,  so  far  as  I  can  see." 

"  Pretty  well.  Good  hunting  country,  but  rather  flat. 
1  don't  like  it.  I  prefer  London  fifteen  months  out  of 
the  year.  I  have  just  got  myself  a  tiny  little  bandbox 
of  a  house  in  May  Fair,  and  shall  get  myself  a  cat  or  a 
dog  and  settle  down  as  a  selfish  old  bachelor.  I  can't 
marry:  I've  nothing  but  a  beggarly  allowance  and  a 
confiding  tailor  while  the  governor  lives,  which  will  be 
forever.  I  went  to  see  his  medical  man  not  long  ago, 
and  he  told  me  he  was  good  for  fifty  years  yet.  I  went 
off  then  and  signed  the  lease  for  my  house.*  There  will 
be  a  capital  town-house,  and  all  that,  when  I  come  into 
the  property ;  but  I  am  tired  of  the  life  I  have  been 
leading,  and  want  a  den  of  my  own,  where  I  can  be  as 
much  of  a  bear  as  I  choose." 

"  How  long  is  your  lease  ?" 

"  Seventy  years." 

"  Why,  what  possessed  you  to  lease  a  house  for  seventy 
years?"  asked  Jenny,  in  utter  surprise. 


62  »'  0^  £0777  SIDES. 

"  Oh,  I  thought  I  might  get  used  to  it  and  want  to 
stay  ;  and  I  wasn't  going  to  be  bundled  into  the  streets 
any  day." 

Jenny  could  not  conceal  the  amusement  afforded  her 
by  this  idea :  "  An  American  would  as  soon  think  of 
flying.  I  never  heard  anything  so  absurd.  Why,  you 
are  thirty  years  old  now  I  May  I  ask  if  you  expect  to 
live  to  be  a  hundred  ?" 

"  I  don't  know.  One  of  my  great-aunts  got  to  ninety- 
nine,  and  her  physician  said  he  could  have  made  it  an 
even  century  if  she  hadn't  eaten  a  Welsh-rarebit  for 
supper  one  night.  He  was  awfully  savage  about  it. 
You  see,  she  lived  at  Bath,  and  it  would  have  given 
him  a  tremendous  boost  with  all  the  other  old  women 
there,  if  he  could  have  managed  it." 

Just  then  a  couple  whisked  past  the  door,  and  Jenny 
remarked, — 

"  That  Miss  Porter  is  lovely,  and  dances  better  than 
any  girl  here,  I  think." 

"  If  I  tell  you  something,  will  you  be  vexed  ?" 

"  No ;  certainly  not."     • 

"  I  am  afraid  you  will." 

"  Not  unless  you  are  very  rude ;  and  i  am  sure  you 
won't  be  that." 

"Are  you  sure  you  won't  mind  a  bit  of  criticism  ?" 

"  Of  course  not,"  she  replied,  much  puzzled. 

"  Well,  then,  you  dance  beautifully,  but  you  don't 
kick  out  your  legs  enough  at  the  back." 

At  this  perfectly  unlooked-for  and  astounding  remark 
Jenny  turned  into  a  peony.  Quite  misunderstanding 
her  furious  blush,  he  said, — 

"  There,  now !    You  are  angry !    I  said  you  would  be 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  63 

vexed!  I'm  always  putting  my  foot  into  it.  "What 
1  meant  was  that  I  admired  Lady  Florence  Fos 
ter's  way  of  dancing.  Look  at  her.  Here  she  comes, 
now." 

Jenny  looked,  and  saw  a  huge  blonde  girl  with  a 
pronounced  attack  of  "  Grecian  bend"  (which  was  a  la 
mode  then),  who  certainly  was  making  lively  play  with 
her  heels,  her  body  bent  forward  at  a  most  extraordi 
nary  angle.  When  she  could  utter  anything  in  answer 
to  his  penitent  apologies  for  having  "vexed"  her,  she 
said  that  she  was  "  not  angry,  exactly,  but — " 

"  What !     You  don't  like  her  dancing  ?"  he  asked. 

"No;  I  think  it  frightful!"-  she  declared,  and  was 
spared  further  argument,  for  at  that  moment  a  tall,  fair, 
languid  man,  who  had  been  introduced  that  evening, 
approached  her.  When  immediately  in  front  of  her,  he 
stopped,  glanced  at  his  programme  and  then  at  her,  and 
said  pensively, — 

"  I  think  I'll  give  you  No.  10." 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  but  I  don't  think  you  will,"  sho 
replied,  angry  indeed  now.  (Jenny,  who  had  had  an 
embarrassment  of  riches  in  the  matter  of  partners  ever 
since  she  went  to  dancing-school,  a  belle  in  white  frocks 
and  a  blue  sash ! — Jenny,  who  had  been  in  the  habit  at 
home  of  dividing  her  dances  between  two  or  three  eager 
aspirants,  and  had  always  been  made  to  feel  that  she 
conferred  an  honor  on  the  object  of  even  this  temporary 
preference !)  Outwardly  civil,  there  was  something  in 
the  ring  of  her  voice  that  made  him  glance  with  interest 
at  the  fierce  little  thing  looking  up  at  him  with  such  a 
flash  of  scorn  in  her  brilliant  ey«s. 

"No.  11,  then?"  he  said. 


54  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  I  am  engaged,"  she  replied  curtly,  without  referring 
to  her  programme. 

"  ~No.  12,  say,  or  13,  then,"  he  perseveringly  suggested. 

"My  card  is  qxiite  full,"  she  answered,  with  no  con 
ventional  regrets. 

"A  supper-dance,  then,"  he  stupidly  insisted. 

"  I  must  definitely  decline  the  honor."  And,  rising, 
she  bestowed  upon  him  the  faintest  inclination  that 
ever  did  duty  for  a  bow,  and,  taking  Mr.  Lindsay's  arm, 
moved  away.  "  It  takes  my  breath  away,  quite,"  she 
said  to  him.  "  Did  you  ever  hear  of  such  a  piece  of 
impertinence  ?  I  rage  when  I  think  of  it !  He'll  give 
me  No.  10,  forsooth !  Good  heavens !  Do  you  mean  to 
say  that  English  girls  put  up  with  that  sort  of  thing  ?" 

"  No ;  of  course  not.  At  least,  nice  girls  don't.  Some 
girls  might.  It  is  they  who  make  themselves  cheap, 
and  they  ought  not  to  complain.  But  the  fellow's  a 
cad :  anybody  can  see  that.  Don't  mind  him.  He  is 
an  awful  ass." 

He  seemed  much  annoyed  by  the  episode,  and,  seeing 
this,  she  dropped  the  subject.  Some  time  afterward  she 
heard  that  the  mirror  of  chivalry,  whom  she  had  so 
roundly  snubbed,  felt  very  sore  on  the  subject,  and  had 
spoken  of  her  to  the  Venables  as  "a  spiteful  little 
Yankee." 

That  night  was  a  memorable  one  for  Jenny  in  many 
ways.  For  one  thing,  Mr.  Heathcote,  who,  as  an  eligi 
ble  parti,  had  undergone  agonies  of  mind  first,  misled 
by  her  gay  and  gracious  manner,  lest  she  should  marry 
him,  and  next,  when  he  better  understood  her,  lest  she 
should  not,  having  come  to  the  conclusion  that  she  was 
essential  to  his  happiness,  plucked  up  his  courage. 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  65 

proposed,  and  was  "  definitely"  refused  as  a  partner  for 
life. 

Meanwhile,  Mr.  Ketchum  had  been  making  a  brilliant 
record  for  himself.  The  good-natured  fellow  took  out 
at  least  a  dozen  of  the  young  ladies  who  sat  round  the 
room  in  long  and  melancholy  rows,  fair,  fresh,  stout- 
looking  girls  most  of  them,  in  pink  and  blue  and  green 
and  white, — a  partnerless  generation,  rather  heavy  all 
round,  it  must  be  confessed,  with,  in  consequence,  only 
a  few  names  here  and  there  on  their  programme,  and 
awful  gaps  (and  gapes,  indeed)  between.  It  was  a  dis 
mal  business  for  many  of  them ;  and  why  they  went 
at  all  to  such  a  harrowing  form  of  entertainment  was  a 
mystery  to  our  Americans.  They  were  quite  grateful 
for  Mr.  Ketchum's  politeness,  and  it  may  be  safely 
averred  that  he  lost  nothing  by  it  with  the  mammas,  to 
whom  he  was  likewise  most  attentive,  taking  relays  of 
them  up  to  supper,  and  rendering  them  a  thousand  good 
offices,  with  his  usual  amiability  and  unselfishness.  He 
even  forgot  his  dislike  to  Miss  Frynne  when  he  saw  her 
sitting  neglected  and  forlorn  in  a  corner,  carried  her  off 
to  the  supper-room,  got  her  a  liberal  supply  of  oysters 
and  pate  de  foie  gras,  ordered  a  bottle  of  champagne,-  - 
to  which  she  did  full  justice,  he  thought,  accustomed  as 
he  was  to  the  abstemiousness  of  his  countrywomen, — 
and,  on  her  stating  that  she  wished  to  go  home,  took 
her  to  the  cloak-room  and  put  her  into  her  modest 
eab. 

When  Mrs.  Fletcher  senior  was  quite  worn  out,  and 

the  feat  of  collecting  the  girls  for  the  third  time  had 

been  accomplished,  after  Lucy  had  begged  for  the  in- 

evi  table  "  one  more,"  which  Mr.  Ketchum  had  taken  for 

e  6* 


66  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

granted,  and  was  spinning  out  with  Mabel,  the  party 
followed  Miss  Frynne's  example. 

While  waiting  for  their  carriage  in  the  passage,  Mabel 
met  an  old  lady  whom  she  knew.  "  Hasn't  it  been  a 
delicious  ball?"  she  cried.  "Only  to  think  of  it!  I 
have  danced  every  dance.  I  haven't  sat  out  one. 
Mamma  will  never  believe  it." 

"  Yes,  yes,  my  dear.  I  saw  you.  It  was  all  very  fine. 
I  only  hope  it  will  last,"  said  the  matron  severely, 
shaking  her  head  dubiously  by  way  of  farewell. 

When  they  got  home,  Walton  had  a  blazing  fire  for 
them  and  a  nice  little  supper,  over  which  they  lingered 
for  some  time,  Mabel  having  been  dropped  at  Port- 
arlington  Gardens  en  route. 

"  Six  dances  with  Mabel,  Mr.  Ketchum !  Take  care, 
or  you  will  have  to  put  on  your  explanation-coat.  The 
affections  of  the  British  virgin  are  not  to  be  trifled  with 
in  this  reckless  way.  You  are  not  in  America  now, 
where  men  devote  themselves  to  every  pretty  face  they 
fancy  and  girls  pride  themselves  on  being  engaged  six 
deep,"  said  Kate,  as  she  rose  from  the  table  and  shook 
a  finger  warningly  at  her  husband's  cousin. 

"  She  hath  two  eyes,  so  soft  and  blue  : 
Take  care !     Beware !" 

sang  Jenny.  And,  relapsing  into  prose,  "  And  remember 
that  I  will  not  have  the  daisy  trampled  upon.  No  flir 
tations  permitted  on  the  premises." 

"  I  am  not  flirting,"  protested  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  Oh,  then  you  are  in  earnest  ?"  she  replied,  putting 
him  promptly  on  the  other  horn  of  the  dilemma. 
"Flirtation  is  attention  without  intention,  you  re- 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  67 

member.     Good-night."     And  Jenny  laughingly  disap 
peared. 

"  She's  a  pretty  one  to  lecture  me  about  flirting !  She 
has  been  mopping  up  the  pavement  with  Heathcote  for 
a  month,  and  will  have  him  asking  to  pay  her  board-bill 
for  the  rest  of  her  life  in  another  week.  Anybody  can 
see  which  way  that  cat  is  going  to  jump.  Oh,  the 
women!  the  women!  Do  you  think  Miss  Jenny  likes 
that  London  barrister,  Kate?  I  hope  not.  He  tells 
me  he  can't  put  up  the  necessary  securities,  to  say 
nothing  of  margin ;  and  a  poor  man  engaged  to  a  poor 
girl  is  like  a  pig  under  a  gate, — he  can  neither  get  in 
nor  out."  And  with  this  characteristic  aphorism  Mr. 
Ketohum  betook  himself  to  bed. 


IV. 

THE  playful  warnings  Mr.  Ketchum  had  received  had 
no  effect  upon  his  relations  with  Miss  Vane,  unless,  in 
deed,  they  served  to  accelerate  the  pace  of  his  wooing, 
— for  such  it  now  was.  But  for  this  attraction,  he  would 
long  since  have  exhausted  the  sights  of  a  provincial 
town  and  bolted  the  historic  scenes  of  the  neighborhood 
at  a  gulp,  as  it  were,  and  then  rushed  off  to  do  the  same 
thing  elsewhere  with  the  same  fretful  haste  and  joyless 
expenditure  of  energy.  And,  in  spite  of  his  infatuation, 
Mr.  Ketchum  felt  that  he  was  wasting  precious  time, 
of  which  he  should  not  be  able  to  give  any  satisfactory 
account  to  his  recording  enemy  Sam  Bates,  who  was 
always  standing  in  the  background  of  his  mind,  asking 


68  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

him  what  he  had  seen  "  abrard."  His  ideal  had  been  to 
"  do"  England,  Ireland,  Scotland,  Wales,  France,  Bel 
gium,  Germany,  Switzerland,  Spain,  Italy,  and  the  Holy 
Land  "  inside  of  three  months."  This  was  the  time  he 
had  allowed  himself  for  that  hurried  race  over  many 
thousand  miles  of  foreign  territory — with  its  insane 
jumble  of  hotels,  railway-carriages,  cathedrals,  picture- 
galleries,  scenery,  peoples,  and  tongues — which  once  in 
a  lifetime  the  American  "  business-man"  allows  himself, 
usually  when  already  threatened  with  softening  of  the 
brain  and  most  in  need  of  repose. 

Whether  moved  by  this  consideration  or  not,  Mr. 
Ketchum  certainly  conducted  his  sentimental  campaign 
with  vigor  and  discretion.  He  tipped  the  little  slavey 
so  magnificently  that  when  she  saw  him  coming  she 
flew  to  the  door  as  though  she  had  been  shot  out  of  a 
mortar,  and  on  opening  it  gave  him  a  series  of  court 
esies  and  quite  flattened  herself  against  the  wall.  She 
thought  him,  as  she  confided  to  Mabel,  "  the  'andsomest 
and  most  liberal  gentleman  as  ever  was,"  and  took  a 
burning  interest  in  the  progress  of  the  affair,  as  indeed 
all  the  women  in  the  house  did.  She  would  knock  at 
the  Vanes'  door  and  say,  "  The  American  gentleman  is 
down  below  again,  mem  :  is  he  to  be  allowed  up  ?"  Or, 
"  The  gentleman  said  as  'ow  you  wasn't  to  be  disturbed 
on  no  account,  and  this  package  was  to  be  give  partic 
ular  into  Miss  Yane's  h'own  'ands,  w'ich  I  'ope  you'll 
overlook  the  thumbmark,  seein'  I  was  a-doin'  the  grates." 
She  wore  a  chronic  air  of  repressed  excitement  all  the 
while,  and  quite  neglected  the  penny-dreadful  romances 
on  which  she  was  wont  to  feed  her  youthful  imagination, 
for  a  moro  fascinating  reality. 


THE   PERFECT  TREASURE.  69 

Mr.  Ketchum  came  to  know  Mrs.  Butts  by  sight,  and 
always  had  a  pleasant  word  and  smile  for  her.  One  day 
he  met  the  old  lady  on  the  first  floor,  and,  hearing  that 
she  had  lost  her  favorite  cat,  sent  her  a  beautiful  Mal 
tese  mouser,  almost  all  tail,  to  fill  the  aching  void.  He 
astounded  Mrs.  Yane  by  the  number,  the  variety,  and 
the  generosity  of  his  benefactions  in  all  directions,  and 
poured  a  Pactolian  stream  of  flowers,  books,  and  music, 
the  only  things  he  could  offer,  upon  Mabel's  head.  Hear 
ing  of  a  crippled  lad  in  whom  they  were  interested,  he 
sent  him  ten  pounds,  and,  being  asked  by  a  clergyman 
to  subscribe  to  a  "  Home  for  Disabled  Seamen,"  of  which 
he  was  chairman,  amazed  that  gentleman  by  giving  him 
a  check  for  a  hundred.  His  reputation  for  liberality 
grew  apace.  Cabmen  fought  for  him,  beggars  followed 
him,  florists  sent  him  specimen  bouquets,  tradesmen 
inundated  him  with  'cards,  and  begging-letter-writers 
exhausted  all  their  arts  upon  him,  without,  however, 
making  a  penny  out  of  this  shrewd  creature,  who  knew 
better  than  most  men  how  to  make,  save,  and  spend 
money.  But,  if  he  had  an  eye  for  and  hatred  of  shams, 
he  had  a  heart  easily  moved  by  real  distress,  and,  un 
happily,  there  is  only  too  much  of  that  in  England,  so 
that  ho  was  always  giving,  if  not  to  the  daughters  of 
the  horse-leech,  to  consumptive  widows  and  reduced 
gentlefolks,  orphan  children  and  old  women.  It  was  no 
part  of  a  scheme  for  conquering  Miss  Yane's  heart,  of 
course ;  but  if  it  had  been  he  could  not  have  better  suc 
ceeded  in  winning  her  confidence.  To  these  two  lonely 
women,  accustomed  to  the  rigid  economies  and  colorless 
vistas  of  a  tiny  fixed  income  in  which  there  was  room 
for  neither  hope  nor  despair,  which  curbed  every  gen- 


70  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

erous  impulse  and  tamed  every  wild  dctiire,  Mr.  Ketchum 
was  a  constant  source  of  wonder.  He  brought  with  him 
a  breath  of  his  native  prairies,  and  his  large  ideas,  hopes, 
views  of  life  and  its  possibilities,  the  breadth  of  his 
horizon,  the  force  of  his  energy,  impressed  them  more 
and  more.  He  seemed  the  splendid  flower  of  conditions 
undreamt  of  in  their  world, — a  world  in  which  every 
ounce  of  tea  was  carefully  weighed  and  the  caddy 
watched  with  a  vigilance  that  was  never  to  sleep  from 
the  cradle  to  the  grave,  in  which  a  gnawing  anxiety  as 
to  how  much  was  being  cut  off  the  leg  of  mutton  down 
stairs  was  one  of  the  gravest  interests  of  an  immortal 
soul,  the  cleaning  of  soiled  gloves  and  remodelling  of 
old  dresses  religious  rites. 

It  amused  him  beyond  measure,  when  admitted  on 
a  sufficiently  intimate  footing  to  know  of  such  things, 
to  find  that  he  had  been  agonizing  Mrs.  Vane  by  his 
reckless  way  of  picking  up  the  poker  and  vigorously 
uprooting  the  fire.  She  had  feebly  remonstrated  in 
a  playful  way  once,  telling  him  that  "  one  could  not 
punch  a  friend's  fire  until  one  had  known  him  seven 
years,"  and  he  had  said,  "  Well,  I  suppose  two  can 
do  it  if  one  can't,  and  Miss  Mabel  can  help  me  if  she 
likes."  He  never  realized  the  enormity  of  his  offence, 
until  he  discovered  that,  though  ostensibly  a  Christian 
Englishwoman,  Mrs.  Yane  was  really  at  heart  a  fire- 
worshipper.  She  had  a  grate  half  full  of  clay  balls  that 
retained  the  heat  and  effected  an  untold  saving  in  her 
"  coals."  The  sacred  fire  was  built  up  and  renewed  at 
stated  hours  by  the  slavey  in  lieu  of  a  vestal,  and  then 
became  to  all  intents  and  purposes  an  altar  which  no 
one  was  ever  allowed  to  desecrate  by  a  touch.  "  Why 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  71 

don't  you  have  a  fire  ?"  ho  would  ask,  in  entire  good 
faith,  on  coming  in  on  bitterly  cold  days  and  finding  the 
ladies  in  a  chilly  room,  decorously  engaged  on  some  bit 
of  needle-work  before  a  handful  of  coals  built  into  a 
pyramid  in  the  centre  of  the  grate. 

"  We  have  got  one !  There  was  a  beautiful  blaze  not 
five  minutes  ago.  Mabel,  dear,  you  might  lift  that  lump 
a  little  on  the  right,  and  stir  it  very  gently,  if  Mr. 
Ketchum  feels  cold." 

Such  as  it  was,  Mr.  Ketchum  sat  by  it  a  good  deal, 
warmed,  let  us  hope,  by  a  more  sacred  flame.  He  got 
two  severe  colds,  it  is  true,  that  resulted  in  quinsy  and 
a  swelled  face,  by  sitting  in  that  cheerless  lodging- 
house;  but  they  did  not  cool  the  ardor  of  his  suit, 
«?hich  a  refrigerator  would  have  been  powerless  to 
affect,  and  Mabel  was  not  sorry  when  he  was  well 
enough  to  resume  his  visits. 

Curious  affairs  they  must  have  been,  those  intermin 
able  talks  between  people  who  differed  in  a  thousand 
things  and  agreed  perhaps  in  a  dozen.  It  was  a  duet, 
chiefly,  between  Job  and  Mrs.  Yane,  punctuated  by 
Mabel's  bright  smiles  and  blushes  and  neat  platitudes, 
for  she  was  a  gentle,  good  little  girl,  obedient  to  a  fault, 
accustomed  to  see  life  over  her  mother's  shoulders,  and 
it  would  have  seemed  to  her  quite  shockingly  bold  to 
have  taken  a  leading  part  in  any  conversation.  It 
seemed  the  most  unlikely  thing  in  the  world  that  these 
two  should  ever  have  cared  for  each  other,  yet  somehow 
the  great  Leveller  smoothed  the  way  to  a  perfect  under 
standing  and  affection  between  them,  she  seeing  and 
valuing  the  fine  qualities,  the  real  refinement  and  good 
ness,  that  lay  hidden  under  what  had  struck  her  aa 


72  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

roughness  and  eccentricity,  and  he  recognizing  under 
the  conventional  crust  of  a  formal  manner  a  sweetness 
and  unselfishness  and  womanliness  that  seemed  to  him 
little  short  of  adorable. 

Matters  were  at  this  interesting  and  satisfactory 
stage  when  Mrs.  Yane  became  suspicious  and  put  a 
sudden  stop  to  their  further  progress.  Hearing  that 
Mr.  Ketchum  visited  and  sent  bouquets  to  other  young 
ladies  of  his  acquaintance,  as  indeed  he  did,  being  of  a 
gallant  and  amiable  turn  of  mind,  she  took  it  into  her 
foolish  old  head  to  think  of  him,  and,  what  is  more, 
speak  of  him,  as  "  a  desperate  flirt."  Mabel  was  im 
pressively  warned  not  to  believe  a  word  that  he  said. 
She  was  kept  up-stairs  when  he  called.  She  was  made 
to  return,  with  polite,  frigid  little  notes,  as  loans,  the 
books  he  had  given  her.  If  they  met  on  the  Promenade. 
Mrs.  Vane  was  always  there  too,  and  gave  Mabel's  arm 
a  warning  squeeze,  which  said  that  she  was  to  bow  and 
cross  the  street.  The  poor  child  was  not  even  allowed 
to  walk  in  the  square  opposite  Portarlington  Gardens, 
for  fear  of  meeting  the  ogre  who-  was  crunching  all  the 
young  women's  bones  in  the  place. 

Mr.  Ketchum  was  completely  mystified  by  this  fine 
display  of  feminine  tactics,  and  confided  his  woe  to 
Kate  at  great  length.  Not  only  was  life  valueless  and 
existence  unendurable,  but,  among  other  things,  a  picnic 
that  he  had  long  planned  was  completely  spoiled,  since 
Mabel  would  not  come  to  it. 

"Are  you  sure  she  won't?"  said  Kate  the  comforter. 
"  I  don't  know  about  that.  Let  me  ask  her." 

To  this  he  joyfully  assented,  and,  for  some  reason, 
she  was  not  only  cordially  received,  though  she  went 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  73 

as  his  ambassadress,  but  Mrs.  Vane  accepted  the  invita 
tion  for  herself  and  her  daughter. 

Hearing  this,  Mr.  Ketchum  threw  himself  with  more 
than  his  usual  energy  into  the  preparations  for  the  oc 
casion.  He  ordered  the  luncheon  from  London,  and, 
when  the  caterer  murmured  something  about  its  being 
an  expensive  proceeding,  exclaimed. — 

"  Oh,  blow  the  expenses !  That  isn't  your  lookout 
This  is  my  funeral.  I  want  an  A  1  lunch,  I  tell  you, 
and  the  whole  thing  done  as  well  as  you  know  how  to 
do  it.  No  rag  and  bobtail  odds  and  ends,  now,  and 
wine  that  will  bore  a  hole  through  our  sides !  I  want 
the  best  that  is  to  be  had,  and  am  willing  to  pay  the 
piper.  And  look  here:  I  don't  want  a  teaspoonful  of 
ice-cream  in  a  butter-plate,  either!  And  send  plenty 
of  those  fellows  of  yours  in  swallow-tails,  to  run  the 
thing  as  smooth  as  greased  lightning.  Do  you  under 
stand  ?"  Just  such  instructions  had  never  been  left  at 
that  shop ;  but  there  was  no  misunderstanding  the  gen 
eral  tenor  of  them,  and  in  spirit  they  could  not  have 
been  better  carried  out,  as  was  shown  when  the  day 
came. 

"  These  people  have  been  polite  to  you,  Kate,  and  I 
don't  want  you  to  be  under  any  obligations  to  them. 
Ask  them  all,"  he  had  said.  She  replied  that,  in  her 
husband's  absence,  she  had  not  entertained  to  any  great 
extent,  but  that  she  had  given  a  number  of  small  affairs 
and  did  not  feel  herself  weighed  down  by  her  social 
obligations. 

"  Well,  never  mind !  ask  them  anyway.     We'll  take 
the  town  and  paint  it  red!"   said  he,  as  he  went  off 
whistling  "  Captain  Jinks  of  the  Horse  Marines." 
D  7 


74  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

A  large  party  assembled  on  the  day  chosen, — a  fine, 
mild  day,  full  of  suggestions  of  spring,  and  as  well 
adapted  for  the  expedition  as  though  it  had  been 
ordered  on  purpose.  A  long  string  of  carriages  went 
rattling  out  of  the  town  into  the  lovely  country  be 
yond,  past  Cranham  "Wood  to  Witcomb,  where  it  had 
been  agreed  that  the  remains  of  a  Roman  villa  should 
be  visited.  Arrived  at  the  spot,  the  party  came  to  a 
halt,  and,  after  endless  chatter  and  delay,  dismounted 
and  formed  into  a  straggling  procession,  which  struck 
into  a  foot-path  that  led  through  a  farmyard  full  of 
comfortable-looking  animals,  hay-ricks,  and  poultry  into 
a  succession  of  fields,  and  brought  up  at  two  small  stone 
thatched  huts  near  the  border  of  the  wood.  Entering 
the  largest  of  these  in  detachments,  all  the  ladies  fell 
into  the  regulation  fit  of  rapture  over  what  remained 
of  the  remains,  and  gazed  with  enthusiasm  at  certain 
spots  in  the  tessellated  mosaic  pavement  which,  with 
the  aid  of  a  vivid  imagination  and  the  eye  of  faith, 
could  be  made  out  to  have  been  intended  for  fishes. 
Most  of  the  guests  felt  but  a  languid  interest  in  this 
piscatorial  display ;  but  Mr.  Ketch um  got  out  a  foot- 
rule  and  went  to  poking  and  peeping  and  measuring 
with  much  zeal  and  intelligence.  He  discovered  that 
the  lintels  of  the  door- way  leading  into  the  next  room 
were  of  massive  stone  and  more  than  six  feet  high ; 
that  the  floor  of  the  room  rested  on  pillars  three  feet 
high,  and  each  about  one  foot  square,  set  sufficiently  far 
apart  to  permit  combustibles  to  be  thrust  in  between 
them  and  the  whole  room  heated.  He  tipped  the  guide 
and  got  two  bits  of  the  tesserae  and  dug  up  a  bit  of  the 
cement.  "Hang  it!  I  must  find  out  how  those  old 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  75 

scalawags  did  this !  They  beat  the  world  at  it !"  said 
he,  as  lie  tied  the  relics  up  in  a  corner  of  his  handker 
chief.  He  stared  for  ten  minutes  at  the  hypocaust 
under  the  flooring,  calculated  the  amount  of  wood  and 
coal  it  would  take  to  '.'run"  it,  and  declined  to  leave, 
though  Kate  assured  him  the  others  were  getting  rest 
less,  until  he  had  satisfied  himself  as  to  what  became  of 
the  ashes,  and  wondered  what  people  in  Tecumseh 
would  say  if  he  bought  it  and  transported  it  bodily 
there.  The  interest  he  exhibited  in  this  antiquarian 
research  surprised  his  relatives,  who  could  not  under 
stand  the  attraction  it  had  for  his  practical  mind. 

At  last  he  consented  to  move,  and,  taking  carriages, 
they  drove  rapidly  to  Birdlip  and  up  to  the  door  of 
•'  The  Black  Horse"  Inn,  where  everything  wore  an  ex 
tremely  festive  air  and  a  small  army  of  servants  was 
drawn  up  to  meet  them.  Entered  from  the  street,  the 
house  was  in  no  way  remarkable,  but  it  .must  have  been 
artfully  contrived  to  heighten  the  effect  produced  on  tho 
mind  when,  walking  straight  through  a  long,  narrow, 
dark  passage,  they  came  out  suddenly  upon  a  lovely 
garden  laid  out  on  the  very  verge  of  a  cliff  which  sloped 
almost  perpendicularly  several  hundred  feet  to  the  val 
ley  of  the  Severn  and  commanded  one  of  the  most  ex 
tended,  varied,  and  beautiful  views  in  all  England.  The 
Americans  were  especially  enraptured  by  it,  and,  long 
after  the  other  ladies  had  gone  in  to  lay  aside  their 
wraps,  Jenny  and  Kate  and  Lucy  and  Mrs.  Fletcher, 
stood  in  a  group  on  the  terrace,  picking  out  and  admir 
ing  in  detail  the  white  Roman  road  stretching  straight 
across  the  valley,  the  Severn  winding  through  it,  the 
towns  of  Gloucester  and  Worcester  with  their  spires 


76  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

and  cathedrals  dotting  it,  the  abbey  tower  of  Tewkes- 
bury  rising  out  of  the  woods  in  its  centre,  the  beautiful 
Malvern  and  Shropshire   hills  that  encircled  it,  and  a 
thousand  features  besides  of  this  most  charming  land 
scape. 

By  this  time  the  party  had  assembled  in  a  closed  pa 
vilion,  which,  thanks  to  the  upholsterer  and  the  florist, 
had  been  completely  transformed.  The  dull  gray  light 
of  an  English  winter's  day  had  been  shut  out ;  it  was 
brilliantly  lit,  and  the  long,  bare,  dismal  room  was  ga;> 
with  bunting  and  mirrors  and  flowers,  and  at  the  upper 
end  an  orchestra  was  playing  delightfully.  Mr.  Ketchum 
had  kept  his  preparations  a  secret  even  from  his  rela 
tives,  and,  like  his  other  guests,  they  found  this  feature 
of  the  entertainment  a  most  agreeable  surprise.  On 
their  complimenting  him  upon  it,  he  said  that  he  was 
"determined  it  shouldn't  be  a  one-horse,  Jim  Crow 
blow-out,  if  he  had  anything  to  do  with  it."  Mrs.  Vane 
stood  transfixed  when  she  arrived  at  the  door,  near 
which  her  host  was  standing.  "Look  here!  Why 
don't  you  leave  your  gums  outside  ?"  said  he,  glancing 
down  at  her  feet. 

"  What  ?     What  did  you  say  ?"  she  exclaimed. 

"  Your  gums.     You  have  forgotten  to  take  them  off." 

"  Take  off  my  gums  I  What  on  earth  do  you  mean  ? 
How  can  I  ?  or  why  should  I,  if  I  could  ?  I  beg  pardon, 
but  I  really  can't  have  understood  you,"  said  she,  put 
ting  on  her  glasses  and  peering  at  him  in  her  near 
sighted  way,  completely  mystified. 

"  Why,  your  shoes  I  am  talking  about.  Don't  you 
dee  ?"  said  he,  pointing  at  them  as  he  spoke. 

"Oh!"    she   exclaimed, — a  full,  long-drawn   English 


THE   PERFECT  TREASURE.  77 

"Oh!"  with  volumes  in  it, — "you  mean  my  galoches." 
And  then  she  sat  down  and  laughed  more  heartily  than 
she  had  done  most  likely  for  twenty  years  over  what 
was  to  her  mind  an  exquisitely  absurd  mistake,  and, 
seizing  Miss  Frynne,  who  was  passing,  began,  "  What 
do  you  suppose  they  call  galoches  in  America,  my  dear  ? 
Glims!"  and  she  related  what  had  passed,  and  both 
ladies  found  in  it  a  whole  comic  almanac.  They  are 
I'elating  it  to  this  day,  no  doubt,  amidst  cries  of  "  Really, 
now !"  and  "  How  very  remarkable  !"  "  What  very 
curious  people  the  Americans  must  be !"  from  their  as 
tonished  friends,  who,  truth  to  tell,  are  easily  surprised, 
and  find  the  least  variation  from  English  customs  amaz 
ing  in  a  people  who,  though  they  went  to  housekeeping 
three  thousand  miles  away  a  good  while  ago,  and  have 
naturally  got  to  calling  some  things  by  different  names, 
are  in  the  main  more  easily  understood  than  the  worthy 
inhabitants  of  Scotland,  Ireland,  Wales,  or  even  Eng 
land,  outside  the  large  towns  and  below  a  certain  rank. 
When  the  dancing  had  gone  on  with  immense  spirit 
for  a  couple  of  hours,  luncheon  was  announced.  It  was 
called  that,  but  was  really  an  elaborate  banquet,  in  which 
every  delicacy  that  Covent  Garden  Market  could  fur 
nish  and  a  French  chef  convert  into  delicious  plats  was 
served  to  perfection.  At  each  lady's  plate  there  was  a 
lovely  bouquet  and  a  charming  little  souvenir  of  some 
kind,  ordered  from  Paris  by  Mr.  Ketch um,  each  one  an 
elegant  and  tasteful  trifle,  and  as  nearly  as  possible  of 
equal  value.  To  each  was  fastened  a  card,  with  "  Mr. 
Job  Ketchum,  Tecumseh,  Michigan,"  engraved  on  it  in 
large  letters,  and,  though  there  have  been  prettier  names 
and  better-known  places,  I  doubt  whether  any  gontle- 

7* 


78  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

man's  card  ever  gave  more  entire  satisfaction.  There 
was  the  prettiest  possible  little  flutter  around  the  table 
as  each  package  was  opened  and  its  contents  admirec 
and  compared,  and  beaming  glances  and  cordial  thanks 
were  poured  out  on  the  smiling  host,  who  I  am  afraid 
lost  a  good  deal  of  both  in  his  effort  to  catch  Mabel's 
timid,  pleased  glance  as  she  unrolled  the  tissue-papers 
folded  around  her  dainty  tortoise-shell  fan. 

"  If  you  please,  'm,  one  lady  has  been  overlooked," 
whispered  Walton  (who  was  presiding  over  the  affair 
with  a  dignity  and  omnipresence  remarkable  even  in 
him)  to  young  Mrs.  Fletcher.  "  "What  would  you  wish 
done  about  it  ?  "Would  one  of  the  family,  beggin'  your 
pardon  for  making  so  bold,  be  willing  to  give  up — " 

"  Certainly.  You  see  everything,  Walton.  Take 
mine,"  she  said.  And  a  moment  later  Miss  Frynne, 
who  was  quite  at  the  other  end  of  the  table,  received, 
with  a  neat  apology  from  Walton,  her  share  of  the 
goods  the  gods  had  provided.  Partaken  of  under  un 
usual  circumstances  and  in  such  pleasant  company,  the 
little  feast  seemed  a  piquant  improvement  upon  ordinary 
entertainments,  and  put  every  one  into  a  state  of  bril 
liant  good  humor. 

All  the  conditions  for  thawing  English  reserve  were 
in  force,  and  although  the  entire  party  did  not  make  as 
much  noise  as  ten  average  Americans  would  have  made 
under  the  same  circumstances,  there  was  plenty  of  ani 
mation  in  the  subdued  current  of  sound,  and  it  was 
evident  that  pleasure  was  at  the  helm  as  well  as  Walton, 
who,  to  pursue  the  simile,  had  taken  command  of  all 
Higginson  and  Chuffey's  young  men  early  in  the  day, 
and  felt  as  bold  as  an  admiral  on  his  ^wn  quarter-deck. 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  79 

When  they  rose  from  the  table,  Mr.  Ketchum  walked 
round  to  where  Mabel  Vane  was  sitting,  took  a  lovely 
rose  from  one  of  the  epergnes  and  oifered  it  to  her.  "With 
a  shy  look  at  him  and  an  anxious  one  in  the  direction 
of  her  mother,  she  accepted  it  and  held  it  in  her  hand. 

"Put  it  in  your  dress,"  he  commanded  rather  than 
suggested,  and  Mabel,  flushing  painfully,  and  mindful 
of  her  mother's  instructions,  began  to  say,  in  her  low 
voice, — 

"  I — I  would  rather  not.  At  least — "  here  she  caught 
Mrs.  Vane's  eye,  and  saw  with  surprise  that  she  was 
smiling  and  nodding  amicably  in  Mr.  Ketchum's  direc 
tion.  Mrs.  Vane  had  been  hearing  from  Miss  Frynne 
that  Mr.  Ketchum  had  "  pots  of  money,  and  was  no  end 
of  a  catch."  She  had  been  deeply  impressed  by  the 
present  display,  and  had  suddenly  concluded  that  she 
would  reverse  her  policy  of  the  past  two  weeks.  Glad 
of  the  permission  implied  by  her  mother's  glance,  Mabel 
said,  by  way  of  reparation,  "  I  am  afraid  it  will  fade. 
However — "  She  did  not  finish  the  sentence,  but  put 
the  rose  in  her  belt.  Mrs.  Vane  joined  them,  and  was 
overpoweringly  civil  to  Mr:  Ketchum.  She  was  too  sorry 
to  have  missed  him  so  often  lately,  but  she  had  been 
selfishly  absorbed  in  some  private  matters,  and  Mabel 
had  been  obliged  to  keep  her  room  a  good  deal.  Dear 
child !  her  throat  was  so  delicate !  But  ho  must  come 
very  soon  again  and  spend  a  nice  long  morning  and  tell 
them  some  more  about  his  exciting  adventures  in — what 
was  the  name  of  the  place  ? — Colorado. 

Mr.  Ketchum  did  not  understand  the  situation  at 
all,  but,  nothing  loath,  promised  readily  enough,  and 
promptly  asked  Mabel  for  a  dance,  which  she  cheerfully 


80  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

accorded.  Everybody  had  drifted  back  to  the  pavilion 
by  this  time,  and  dancing  was  going  on  with  more  zest 
than  ever.  In  the  course  of  the  afternoon  Mr.  Ketchum 
danced  five  times  with  Miss  Vane,  and  not  much  with 
any  one  else. 

"  Depend  upon  it,  he  is  in  earnest,  dear  Mrs.  Yane ! 
I  am  sure  your  Mabel  is  about  to  make  a  most  brilliant 
match,"  whispered  Miss  Frynne.  "  Only  do  be  sure 
about  the  money.  It  is  so  very  difficult  to  find  out 
anything  about  foreign  fortunes." 

And,  though  she  parried  her  friend's  congratulations 
discreetly  and  affected  to  pooh-pooh  the  idea,  Mrs.  Yane 
revolved  in  her  own  mind  a  dozen  schemes  for  landing 
the  big  fish  that  had  strayed  into  her  net,  and  marked 
out  her  own  line  of  conduct  definitely. 

It  was  almost  nightfall,  and  Mr.  Ketchum  was  dis 
posing  of  his  guests  in  the  various  carriages,  when  he 
heard  a  hubbub  in  the  inn,  and  turned  back  to  see  what 
was  the  matter.  It  was  briefly  this :  Lucy  had  gone 
back  to  the  edge  of  the  cliff  to  get  a  last  view  of  the 
valley,  which  came  very  near  being  her  last  view  of 
anything,  for  her  foot  slipped  in  some  way,  and  she  slid 
down  ten  feet,  stopping  on  a  ledge  that,  fortunately, 
jutted  out  just  there.  How  it  happened  that  Walton 
heard  her  shriek,  and,  seizing  one  of  Chuffey's  men  and 
a  couple  of  table-cloths,  managed  in  a  few  minutes  to  get 
her  back  on  terra  firma,  and  bear  her,  half  fainting,  to 
the  house,  she  never  knew ;  but  it  was  one  of  that  in 
valuable  servant's  most  striking  peculiarities  that  he 
was  never  out  of  the  way  and  never  in  it.  Here  was  a 
sensation  that  afforded  ample  food  for  comment  as  the 
party  drove  home  in  the  twilight. 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  81 

"  Where  did  you  get  that  fellow  ?"  Sir  Eobert  asked 
Mrs.  Fletcher  senior.  "  He  is  one  of  the  best  servants 
I  ever  saw.  If  you  are  not  thinking  of  taking  him  to 
America  with  you,  1  should  like  to  take  him  into  my 
service.  He  is  a  quick-witted  chap,  and  a  plucky  one, 
too,  by  Jove  !  That  was  a  neat  thing  of  his,  getting 
your  daughter  up  from  that  place  like  that.  Most  ser 
vants  would  have  left  her  to  tumble  off  into  the  valley 
while  they  ran  all  over  the  place  collecting  a  mob  of 
people  and  pointing  out  the  wrong  spot." 

"And  hasn't  he  a  good  face,  Sir  Eobert?  Such  an 
honest,  open  countenance  !  I  am  sure  we  never,  never 
can  repay  him,"  she  replied. 

The  lights  of  Cheltenham  were  twinkling  in  the  dis 
tance,  and  Mr.  Ketchum,  who  had  saved  a  seat  for  him 
self  next  to  Mabel,  was  wishing  the  town  a  good  deal 
farther  off,  when  Mrs.  Vane  bent  forward  and  addressed 
him  :  "  If  you  have  no  engagement,  could  I  see  you 
to-morrow  ?" 

"  Why,  of  course  you  can,"  he  replied,  heartily.  "  1 
am  always  at  the  service  of  the  ladies.  About  what 


"  In  the  morning,  some  time.  About  eleven,  I  think, 
if  convenient." 

Not  long  afterward,  they  were  all  exchanging  faro- 
wells  and  telling  Mr.  Ketchum  what  a  "  charming  affair" 
and  "  immense  success"  the  expedition  had  been. 

"  I  hope  you  have  had  a  happy  day,"  Mr.  Ketchum 
said  to  Mabel,  "  and  that  I  shall  see  you  to-morrow.  1 
have  said  '  Damn  it  !'  pretty  often  lately  when  I  have 
found  that  door  shut  on  me,  though  I  generally  draw 
things  mild.  Shall  you  be  at  homo?" 


82  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Before  Mabel  could  answer.  Mrs.  Vane  interfered: 
"No:  Mabel,  unfortunately,  is  obliged  to  go  to  the  den 
tist's  to-morrow.  You  must  put  up  with  an  ugly  old 
woman  for  once,"  she  said,  with  what  she  meant  for  a 
meaning  glance,  Mabel  standing  by  and  hearing  of  this 
arrangement  for  the  first  time. 

At  the  appointed  hour  next  day  Mr.  Ketchum  made 
his  appearance  in  Portarlington  Gardens,  and  was 
almost  instantly  admitted  and  taken  up  to  Mrs.  Vane's 
shabby-genteel  little  drawing-room,  where  she  was 
waiting  to  receive  him.  As  far  as  he  had  thought  of 
the  interview  at  all,  he  had  quite  made  up  his  mind 
that  he  was  to  be  consulted  on  some  business  matter. 
"  "Women  are  always  getting  into  a  muddle  in  money 
matters  and  sending — generally  when  it  is  too  late— for 
some  man  to  pull  them  out,"  he  said  to  himself.  He 
was  confirmed  in  his  impression  by  Mrs.  Vane's  thank 
ing  him  effusively  for  his  kindness  in  coming  and  apol 
ogizing  for  the  inroad  she  was  making  upon  his  time. 
He  saw  that  she  was  ill  at  ease  and  somewhat  nervous 
in  manner,  and,  with  a  view  to  helping  her,  said  kindly, 
"  Well,  now,  what  is  it  ?  Here  I  am,  ready  to  do 
anything  in  the  world  that  I  can  for  you  and  Miss 
Mabel." 

"  You  are  very  kind ;  really,  most  kind.  Thank  you 
very  much  for  it,"  she  murmured,  putting  down  the 
cushion  on  which  she  was  making  macrame  lace  and 
looking  at  him. 

"  Oh,  no,  I  ain't.     What  are  men  for?"  he  rejoined. 

"  I  am  about  to  approach  you  upon  a  very  delicate 
matter, — a  very  delicate  matter  indeed, — and  it  is  highly 
embarrassing.  But  I  have  a  sacred  duty  to  perform , 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  83 

and  1  must  do  it,  no  matter  what  impression  I  may 
make  upon  you,"  she  went  on. 

"  Now,  don't  you  bother  your  cdbeza  about  that,  my 
dear  madam.  I  have  told  you  already  that  you  can 
count  on  yours  truly  to  command,"  said  he,  leaning 
back  in  his  chair  and  thinking,  "  In  a  mess  with  her 
stocks  and  bonds :  I'd  bet  my  bottom  dollar  on  that." 
Then,  aloud,  "  You  are  in  some  sort  of  fix  now,  ain't 
you  ?" 

"  If  you  mean  trouble  and  anxiety,  you  are  right, 
dear  Mr.  Ketchum.  Never  was  a  woman  more  sorely 
perplexed ;  and,  reluctant  as  I  am  to  say  anything  to 
you  that — " 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right.  Go  ahead.  Never  mind,"  ho 
interrupted. 

"  Then,  if  you  will  pardon  the  natural  solicitude  of  a 
parent,  the  only  surviving  parent  of  a  most  lovely  and 
interesting  young  girl,  placed  in  a  position  of  most  ter 
rible  responsibility"  (here  she  took  out  a  black-bordered 
handkerchief  and  put  it  up  to  her  eyes,  while  Job  shuf 
fled  uneasily  in  his  seat,  thinking,  "  Great  Scott !  I  hope 
she  isn't  going  to  let  on  her  water-works!"),  "I  beg 
of  you  not  to  be  offended,  dear  Mr.  Ketchum,  if  I  ask 
you  what  your  intentions  are  in  regard  to  my  dearest 
child." 

"What's  that?"  exclaimed  Mr.  Ketchum,  sitting  bolt 
upright  in  his  chair  and  staring  at  her  with  a  fierce 
frown,  his  whole  body  galvanized  into  immediate  in 
terest.  "What's  that  you  are  saying?"  ho  repeated 
curtly. 

Mrs.  Vane  trembled  inwardly  at  the  change  in  his 
manner,  but  went  boldly  on :  "I  am  asking  what  your 


84  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

intentions  are  with  respect  to  my  daughter,  Miss  Vane," 
she  said,  putting  the  case  more  formally.  "  You  cannot 
be  blind  to  the  fact  that  from  the  very  first  you  have 
gone  out  of  your  way  in  every  place  and  company 
where  you  have  met  us  to  shower  upon  her  the  most 
pronounced  and  compromising  attentions.  You  have 
singled  her  out  repeatedly ;  you  know  that  you  have, 
perfectly  well.  It  is  useless  to  deny  it.  And  I  have  a 
right  to  ask  whether,  after  coming  here  day  after  day 
for  weeks,  and  sending  my  child  books  and  flowers  and 
music  and  boxes  upon  boxes  of  sweets,  and  dancing 
with  her  in  public  five  times  in  succession,  you  mean  to 
go  away  from  here  without  making  her  a  proposition 
of  marriage  ?" 

Her  temper  had  risen ;  gone  were  her  mellifluous 
accents,  and  her  voice  was  as  sharp  and  rasping  as  a 
fish- wife's  as  she  turned  and  glared  at  poor  Mr.  Ketchum, 
who,  instead  of  attempting  to  answer  any  of  the  charges 
on  which  he  was  arraigned  at  the  maternal  bar,  only 
sank  back  in  his  chair,  and  exclaimed,  "  Well !  If  this 
don't  beat  the  Jews!"  He  was  so  completely  taken 
aback  that  he  was  positively  speechless  for  several  min 
utes,  and  returned  Mrs.  Yane's  stare  with  interest. 
Then,  to  that  lady's  intense  astonishment,  he  suddenly 
burst  into  a  roar  of  laughter,  and,  getting  up  from  his 
neat,  walked  rapidly  up  and  down  the  room,  shaking  his 
head  from  side  to  side,  waving  his  long  arms  about,  and 
exclaiming,  "  This  beats  everything !  This  gets  me,  and 
no  mistake !" 

When  the  paroxysm  of  laughter  had  spent  itself,  ho 
resumed  his  seat  without  apology  and  turned  a  quizzical 
face  and  a  pair  of  twinkling  eyes  upon  Mrs.  Yane,  who 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  85 

had  spent  the  interval  in  bouncing  about  on  the  sofa  in 
a  state  of  fury. 

"  Is  it,  has  it  been  your  intention  all  along  to  compro 
mise  my  daughter  by  engaging  in  a  meaningless  and 
contemptible  flirtation  ?"  she  jerked  out. 

"Not  if  the  court  knows  itself,"  he  replied  coolly. 
"  But.  if  it  comes  to  that,  I  should  say  that  you  are 
doing  a  great  deal  more  to  compromise  her  than  I  have 
done.  "What  have  I  done,  by  the  by?  I  should  say 
that,  on  a  rough  estimate,  I  had  paid  five  hundred  girls 
as  much  attention  in  my  time,  and  nobody  ever  thought 
anything  of  it." 

This  was  a  direct  realization  of  Mrs.  Yane's  worst 
fears  and  suspicions,  and  she  broke  out  upon  him: 
"  That  sort  of  thing  may  be  customary  in  America,  Mr. 
Ketchum,  where  I  have  heard  that  the  relations  between 
the  sexes  are  of  a  most  extraordinary  character ;  but  let 
me  tell  you  that  it  will  not  do  in  respectable  English 
families.  You  have  done  my  daughter  a  great  wrong. 
You  have  blighted  her  future  and  kept  off  other  men." 

A  fresh  twinkle  lit  up  Mr.  Ketchum's  eye  at  the  idea 
«jf  his  being  supposed  to  have  frightened  off  a  hundred 
or  two  of  Miss  Vane's  suitors,  when  that  guileless  child 
had  already  told  him  that  he  was  the  only  man  who,  as 
she  put  it,  "  had  ever  been  at  all — well,  you  know,  nice 
to  me,"  or  whom  she  had  known  intimately. 

"  I  don't  want  to  crowd  the  mourners,"  said  he.  "If 
she  wants  any  fellow  to  take  my  place,  I'm  ready  to 
take  a  back  seat.  I'll  ask  her  about  that/-' 

"  You  shall  do  nothing  of  the  sort,"  snapped  mamma. 

"  I  have  a  good  deal  to  say  to  her  about  that  and 
several  other  little  matters,"  rejoined  he  calmly. 


86  OAT  BOTH  SIDES. 

And  she,  seeing  that  the  battle  was  going  against  her, 
had  recourse  to  the  last  refuge  and  safety-valve  of  the 
sex,  and  burst  into  tears.  She  loved  Mabel,  and  was 
really  distressed  and  upset  by  the  result  of  her  inter 
ference.  She  dared  not  -let  the  child  know  what  she 
had  done,  feeling  instinctively  that  it  would  be  regarded 
as  unpardonable.  "Don't  tell  her,"  she  whimpered 
"  She  would  never  forgive  me.  And  I  thought  I  was 
acting  for  the  best." 

This  speech  not  only  changed  the  whole  current  of 
his  feelings  toward  her,  for  he  saw  in  it  a  genuine 
expression  of  maternal  affection  and  solicitude,  but  it 
brought  the  delightful  assurance  that  Mabel  knew 
nothing  about  her  mother's  little  plan  for  bringing  him 
to  book.  "  Now,  look  here !  You  stop  crying,"  he  said 
in  his  usual  friendly  tones.  "  I  love  your  daughter,  and 
I  mean  to  ask  her  to  be  my  wife.  I'm  a  rough  fellow, 
and  I  ain't  fit  for  such  a  dainty,  pretty  piece  of  goods 
as  that;  but  I  made  up  my  mind  to  it  the  first  time  I 
ever  set  eyes  on  her  sweet  face.  But  you  oughtn't  to 
have  tried  to  hurry  up  the  corpse  as  you  have  done.  It 
may  be  the  custom  over  here,  but  it  ain't  a  pretty  one, 
to  my  thinkin'.  A  man  ought  to  be  ready  to  go  down 
on  his  knees  before  a  woman  like  that,  and  it  hurts  him 
to  think  of  her  being  speculated  with.  If  I  thought 
Miss  Mabel  had  a  hand  in  this,  I'd  take  the  next 
steamer.  But  I  know  she  hasn't.  It  would  never 
come  into  her  innocent  mind.  She'd  never  do  anything 
she  oughtn't  to.  She's  the  sweetest  woman  that  ever 
trod  shoe-leather."  He  spoke  very  gently,  and  made 
little  pauses  after  each  sentence,  while  Mrs.  Vane  cried 
copiously  in  her  corner.  "  You  haven't  got  anything  to 


THE   PERFECT   TREASURE.  87 

fear  from  me.  I  want  to  do  what's  right  and  square," 
he  went  on  presently.  "  I'll  ask  her  this  very  day,  if 
you  say  so.  Lord  !  I  wish  I'd  been  a  better  man  !" 

At  this  Mrs.  Vane  took  her  hands  down  suddenly 
from  her  face,  and,  with  a  real  burst  of  womanly  feel 
ing,  grasped  his  hand  and  shook  it  warmly,  half  crying 
all  the  while.  "  You  are  a  good  man,  Mr.  Ketchum  ! 
You  have  made  me  ashamed  of  myself.  If  Mabel  will 
marry  you,  I  shall  be  glad  and  proud  to  have  such  a 
son !"  she  cried. 

Five  minutes  later,  this  stormy  interview  had  ended 
and  Mr.  Ketchum  was  walking  down  the  long  beautiful 
avenue  of  elms  that  leads  from  the  Queen's  Hotel  to  the 
Promenade,  when  whom  should  he  see,  "timid,  and 
stepping  fast,"  but  Mabel,  looking  a  thousand  times 
lovelier  than  ever  in  the  light  of  his  new  resolution. 
"  You  are  a  cheerful-looking  young  lady  to  be  coming 
from  the  dentist's,"  he  cried  out  gayly  as  he  advanced 
to  meet  her.  "  You  can't  have  suffered  any  to  hurt." 

"  No,  I  haven't.  It  was  all  a  mistake.  When  I  got 
there,  the  man  told  me  that  his  appointment  was  with 
mamma  for  next  week  !  I  can't  think  how  she  could 
have  supposed  it  was  I.  She  has  a  book  for  engage 
ments,  and  is  so  very  accurate  about  her  entries,  as  a 
rule.  It  is  very  odd.  But  I  was  not  sorry  to  escape. 
I  went  off  to  Heath's  at  once,  and — only  fancy! — I 
found  quite  a  new  azalea,  the  Princess  Maude,  a  lovely 
thing !  I  ordered  a  pot  of  it  to  be  sent  home,  and  meau 
to  surprise  mamma  with  it  at  breakfast." 

Mr.  Ketchum  had  joined  her,  and  was  walking  back 
with  her  to  Portai  lington  Gardens,  which  was  five 
squares  off,  and  at  which  they  arrived  three  hours 


88  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

later,  after  a  long  walk  in  the  country  beyond  Lans« 
downe  Crescent  and  the  outlying  villas,  down  several 
lanes  that  led  they  had  no  idea  where,  and  over  daisy- 
starred  fields  that  to  them  formed  a  tolerable  substi 
tute  for  the  garden  of  Eden  ;  returning  in  a  shower 
under  one  umbrella,  a  blissful,  bedraggled,  engaged 
couple  I 

'•  Well,  Kate,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum  to  his  cousin  that 
evening,  "  I  have  gone  and  done  it  at  last !  I  have 
played  my  last  card,  and,  if  I  know  anything  about  it, 
it's  the  biggest  trump  in  the  pack.  I'm  engaged  to 
Mabel  Yane." 

Enthusiastic  exclamations  of  "  Goodness  gracious ! 
You  don't  mean  it !  How  perfectly  delightful !  I  am 
so  glad !"  and  a  hearty  embrace  followed. 

"  Yes,"  he  resumed  thoughtfully,  poking  the  fire  for 
once  in  a  tranquil  way,  "  it  seems  too  good  to  be  true. 
A  plain,  rough  fellow  like  me.  It's  wonderful !  But 
one  thing  is  certain :  she  might  have  taken  a  handsomer 
man,  and  a  more  palavering  man,  and  she-  could  have 
found  a  better  one  easy,  but  none  of  them  could  treat 
her  any  better  than  I  mean  to.  She  shall  have  every 
thing  on  top  of  this  green  earth  that  I  can  give  her ! 
And  you  were  right,  Kate.  That  mother  of  hers  got 
out  her  lariat  to-day  and  tried  to  rope  me  in !  I  never 
was  so  surprised  in  all  my  life.  I  was  completely  euchred 
for  a  while.  The  bottom  fell  right  out  of  my  tub." 

"  Oh,  dear !  How  delicious !  Do  tell  me  all  about  it. 
Begin  at  the  beginning,"  cried  Kate  in  her  most  eager, 
excited  voice. 

He  related  what  had  passed,  and  they  were  still  talk 
ing  when  Walton  slipped  in  with  his  usual  cat-like  tread 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  89 

to  announce  dinner.  The  last  thing  Mr.  Ketehum  said 
was,  "  I  cut  loose  from  all  my  rough  associates  long  ago ; 
I  got  tired  of  that  life.  And  one  thing  more,  Kate, 
I've  shaken  hands  with  whiskey.  I  don't  mean  to  so 
much  as  look  at  an  empty  beer-bottle  without  having 
blue  goggles  on.  I've  said  it ;  and  when  I  say  a  thing 
I  mean  it." 

A  week  later  the  personal  surroundings  of  the 
Fletchers  had  considerably  changed.  Mr.  Ketchum 
had  gone  off  at  last  to  the  Lakes,  the  Heathcotes  to 
Surrey,  and  the  Yenables  to  the  Isle  of  Wight.  A  fort 
night  later  Mr.  Fletcher  arrived,  having  come  over 
partly  on  business  and  partly  to  take  his  family  home, 
and  causing  a  sensation  by  his  announcement  that  ho 
meant  to  catch  the  next  Cunarder. 

Ladies,  unlike  stones,  collect  a  larger  amount  of  moss 
the  more  rolling  they  do,  and  it  took  vast  quantities  of 
packing-cases  to  hold  all  the  things  that  Mrs.  Fletcher 
had  bought  because  they  were  "so  cheap,  and  would 
cost  five  times  as  much  in  New  York." 

It  would  have  been  a  tremendous  undertaking  to  get 
ready  in  so  short  a  time,  but  for  Walton,  who  contrived 
that  everything  in  the  house  should  go  on  as  usual, 
while  he  ordered,  selected,  packed,  with  incomparable 
judgment  and  despatch,  the  Fletchers'  personal  effects, 
verified  the  inventory  of  the  house  and  replaced  what 
was  missing,  took  notes,  left  cards,  and  did  a  thousand 
last  things  as  no  one  else  could  have  done  them.  Mr. 
Fletcher  was  so  charmed  that  he  offered  him  a  largo 
advance  on  his  wages  if  he  would  go  to  America  with 
them ;  but  he  respectfully  refused,  with  many  expres 
sions  of  gratitude  for  the  esteem  in  which  he  was  hold. 

8* 


90  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

11  What  do  you  thirk  of  doing,  Walton  ?"  asked  Mrs. 
Fletcher. 

"  I'm  going  abroad,  'm ;  I  have  heard  of  something 
there  that  will  suit,"  he  replied,  and  they  reluctantly 
forbore  to  press  him  further  about  remaining  in  their 
service. 

When  they  finally  tore  themselves  away  from  the 
charming  town  in  which  they  had  grown  to  feel  at 
home,  and  where  they  had  received  great  kindness  and 
hospitality,  Walton  accompanied  them  as  far  as  Liver 
pool,  was  useful — indeed,  invaluable — up  to  the  last 
moment,  and  went  down  the  Mersey  with  them  in  the 
tug,  in  charge  of  their  smaller  pieces  of  luggage,  and 
especially  of  one  dressing-bag  of  Mrs.  Fletcher's  con 
taining  several  thousand  dollars'  worth  of  diamonds  and 
a  quantity  of  other  valuables.  Each  member  of  the 
party  tipped  him  handsomely  and  parted  from  him  with 
effusion, — almost  tearfully,  indeed,  knowing  that  they 
should  ne'er  look  upon  his  like  again  until  they  returned 
to  Europe.  As  he  was  stepping  on  the  tug,  Mr.  Fletcher 
said  to  him, — 

"  What  did  you  do  with  that  bag, — the  bag,  Walton  ?" 

''  If  you  please,  sir,  I  gave  it  to  Mrs.  Fletcher." 

"  Oh,  all  right.     Good-by,  again  !" 

Ten  minutes  before,  Mrs.  Fletcher  had  made  the  same 
inquiry,  and  he  had  made  the  same  response,  except 
that — in  the  confusion  of  the  moment,  doubtless — he 
had  substituted  "Mr."  for  Mrs.  Fletcher.  When  they 
were  well  out  to  sea,  Kate  asked  her  husband  what  he 
had  done  with  her  bag,  and,  after  a  long  discussion,  end 
ing  in  a  quarrel,  they  concluded  that  there  had  been 
some  dreadful  mistake,  which  Walton  would  be  sure  to 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  91 

rectify,  and  that  they  must  telegraph  as  soon  as  tkey 
reached  New  York. 

We  must  go  back  to  mention  that  Mr.  Heathcote  and 
Mr.  Lindsay  came  down  to  see  them  off,  bearing  Sir 
Eobert's  "  regrets  at  not  being  able  to  have  the  same 
miserable  satisfaction."  The  poor  man  at  a  cricket- 
match  a  few  days  before  had  received  a  ball  almost  full 
in  the  face  and  been  terribly  hurt.  His  nephew  was 
disgusted.  "  They  wired  for  me,  they  thought  it  so 
serious,  and  when  I  got  there  I  went  up  to  his  room  on 
tip-toe.  And  when  the  old  chap  heard  my  step  he  sat 
up  suddenly  in  bed,  all  bandaged  and  bloody, — a  perfect 
spectacle, — and  called  out — what  do  you  suppose? — 
'  Who  won  ?'  Did  you  ever  hear  of  such  an  infatuated 
old  idiot  in  all  your  life  ?"  he  remarked  to  Jenny,  to 
whom  he  renewed  a  former  proposal,  only  to  get  the 
same  answer.  "  Is  there  any  one  else  ?"  he  asked,  coming 
back  again  after  he  had  said  good-by  all  round,  and 
Jenny,  with  one  of  her  rare,  deep  blushes,  said  simply, 
"  Yes :  he  is  waiting  for  me  in  New  York  now."  And 
Mr.  Heathcote  rushed  off  without  another  word,  or  so 
much  as  a  last  look. 

Mr.  Ketchum  made  a  portion  of  the  grand  tour  he 
had  planned,  and  returned  to  America  with  the  under 
standing  that  he  was  to  claim  Mabel  in  a  year. 

Mrs.  Vane  said  something  to  him  about  "  settlements," 
very  meekly,  before  he  left. 

"What's  that  for?  Mabel  will  have  all  I've  got," 
said  he,  much  annoyed. 

"  But  suppose  you  lost  your  money.  It  would  be  so 
dreadful  for  my  iear  MaboJ,  away  off  there  among 
strangers." 


92  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Mr.  Ketchum  was  not  convinced,  but  yielded.  "  Yery 
well,  then.  I  will  settle  fifty  thousand  on  her;  and 
don't  you  mother-in-law  me  any  more." 

Mrs.  Vane  was  too  enraptured  to  mind  his  vexation 
in  the  least,  and  he,  repenting  of  his  little  speech,  sent 
her  twenty  pounds  of  English  breakfast-tea  before  sail 
ing,  "  to  keep  that  caddy  of  hers  full  without  her  sitting 
up  with  it  day  and  night." 

When  he  got  home  he  forwarded  some  credentials  for 
which  she  had  asked.  They  consisted  of  four  letters, 
one  from  his  uncle,  one  from  a  member  of  Congress,  one 
from  a  Methodist  minister,  and  one  from  a  firm  of 
bankers.  They  reached  Mrs.  Yane  at  breakfast  one 
morning  under  cover  from  her  prospective  son-in-law, 
and  Mabel  sat  opposite  and  assisted  at  the  tremendous 
ceremony  of  opening  and  mastering  their  contents. 
The  first  one  that  Mrs.  Yane  picked  up  was  written  on 
immaculate  paper  in  a  rather  illegible  but  gentleman 
like  hand,  and  sealed  with  a  crest,  at  which  she  peered 
curiously  for  five  minutes.  It  ran  as  follows :  • 

"  WABASH  AVENUE,  CHICAGO,  April  3. 

"  MY  DEAR  MADAM, — My  nephew,  Mr.  Ketchum,  writes 
me  that  he  has  had  the  good  fortune  to  win  the  affec 
tion  of  your  only  daughter,  and  begs  me,  with  all  the 
ardor  of  a  lover,  to  do  what  I  can  to  promote  his  suit. 
I  don't  think  that  I  could  do  more  than  justice  to  his 
many  fine  qualities,  and  will  only  say  that  while  he  has 
grown  up  under  peculiar  conditions,  and  has  lacked 
some  of  the  advantages  to  which  he  is  entitled  by 
birth,  he  is,  as  you  have  doubtless  discovered,  a  man  of 
sterling  vorth  and  innate  refinement,  kindly  in  temper 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  93 

and  generous  to  a  fault.  He  has  the  ability  to  surround 
your  daughter,  if  she  should  marry  him,  with  every 
comfort,  and  I  know  will,  as  far  as  possible,  guard  her 
from  every  breath  of  hardship  or  misfortune.  He  has 
been  a  devoted  son  and  brother,  and  in  a  man  I  believe 
these  are  generally  regarded  as  good  guarantees  that 
he  will  not  be  found  wanting  in  a  nearer  relation.  My 
wife  writes  by  this  mail  to  Miss  Vane,  and,  with  cordial 
regards  to  her,  I  am,  my  dear  madam, 

"  Faithfully  yours, 

"ALEXANDER  FORBES." 

"How  very  charming!  How  entirely  satisfactory 
this  is!"  Mrs.  Vane  exclaimed  as  she  handed  the  letter 
across  the  table  to  her  daughter  and  took  up  the  second. 
She  raised  her  brows;  the  envelope  was  yellow;  on 
being  opened  it  disclosed  a  sheet  of  ruled  paper,  and  in 
what  she  thought  a  queer  hand  she  read, — 

"  WARSAW,  INDIANA,  April  5. 

'  This  is  to  certify  that  I  have  known  Job  Ketchum, 
man  and  boy,  now  for  more  than  twenty  years,  and 
believe  him  to  be  an  honest,  correct,  and  respectable 
young  man.  Any  mother  could,  in  my  opinion,  trust  a 
daughter  in  his  hands.  The  only  fault  I  find  with  him 
is  that  he  is  not  a  professing  Christian;  but  I  hope 
there  will  yet  be  an  abundant  outpouring  of  grace  upon 
him,  and  that  he  will  then  connect  himself  with  the 
church  of  which  his  father  was  a  member  in  good 
standing  up  to  the  day  of  his  death.  In  the  bonds  of 
Christian  fellowship, 

"  EBENEZER  D.  BOOT." 


94  0./V  BOTH  SIDES. 

11  Mabel,  dear,  this  is  really  too  puzzling  for  anything. 
It  seems  to  be  from  some  sort  of  Dissenting  minister. 
Can  Job's  family  have  been  chapel-people  ?  And  it 
sounds  like  a  character  for  a  gardener  or  footman. 
You  mustn't  mind  my  saying  so,  but  it  really  doe^ 
And  that  '  Warsaw.'  There  must  be  a  settlement  of 
Poles  out  there.  But  I  never  heard  of  any  Polish  dis 
senters.  Did  you  ?  I  can't  make  it  out." 

"While  Mabel  was  trying  to  read  the  riddle,  Mrs.  Vane 
opened  the  third  letter,  at  the  head  of  which  were  the 
name  and  address  of  a  firm  of  bankers  and  brokers  in 
Lansing,  Michigan.  It  was  addressed  to  Mr.  Ketchum: 

"  JOB  KETCHUM,  ESQ.  :  DEAR  SIR, — Your  favor  of  the 
13th  inst.  received.  Contents  noted.  We  take  pleasure 
in  stating  that  we  have  had  extensive  business  dealings 
with  you  for  five  years  past,  and  can  bear  witness  that 
we  have  always  found  you  a  reliable  gentleman  of  the 
highest  integrity.  Your  credit  and  standing  among 
business-men  is  first-rate,  and  we  endorse  you  without 
the  least  hesitation. 

"  Yery  respectfully, 

"  Yr.  obdt.  servants, 

"PRATT,  HAYNES  &  Co., 
"  Per  J.  B.  Hodges." 

Mrs.  Vane  knew  nothing  whatever  of  business-men, 
but  was  impressed  by  the  practical  tone  of  this  letter, 
and  gave  it  to  Mabel,  with  a  smile,  saying,  "  From  dear 
Job's  bankers.  If  he  has  to  be  in  ti*ade,  it  is  as  well 
that  his  credit  should  be  so  good." 

The  smile  deepened  into  a  little  laugh  of  satisfaction 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  95 

as  she  picked  up  the  fourth  letter  and  saw  the  heading, 
"  House  of  Eepresentatives,  Washington,  D.  C.,  March 
29." 

"From  a  member  of  the  American  Parliament!"  she 
exclaimed.  "  How  very  nice !" 

And  Mabel,  who,  with  her  usual  reserve,  had  said 
nothing  all  along,  jumped  up,  and,  running  round  to  the 
back  of  her  mother's  chair,  read  the  letter  over  her 
'•houlder : 

"  DEAR  MADAM, — This  will  be  sent  you,  I  understand, 
by  my  talented  young  friend  Colonel  Ketchum,  one  of 
the  most  elegant  gentlemen  it  has  ever  been  my  happi 
ness  to  meet,  a  leading  citizen  of  my  State,  and  one  of 
the  stanchest  champions  of  the  people  in  their  present 
godlike  struggle  with  the  bloated  monopolists  now  prej 
ing  on  their  vitals  and  sucking  away  their  very  life- 
blood.  As  a  man  and  as  a  patriot,  General  Ketchum 
needs  no  endorsement  from  me,  the  humblest  of  the 
people's  servants. 

"  Hoping  to  welcome  him  and  his  lovely  lady  before 
long  to  our  broad  prairies  and  hospitable  hearths,  I 
remain,  madam, 

"  Yours  truly, 

"ANDREW  JACKSON  SINGER." 

When  they  had  got  at  the  end,  mother  and  daughter 
looked  at  each  other. 

"  Dear !  dear !  I  had  no  idea  politics  were  running  so 
high  in  America.  Things  seem  in  a  very  bad  way," 
ejaculated  Mrs.  Vane.  "And  what  does  the  man  mean 
by  his  '  lovely  lady  ?'  Why  can't  he  say  wife,  pray  ? 


96  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

It  really  is  most  unpleasantly  ambiguous.  And 
odd  it  is  that  they  should  all  lay  such  stress  upon  his 
being  a  gentleman !  What  else  should  he  be  ?  Well, 
dear,  let  us  hope  it  is  all  right;  though  it  is  most 
awfully  queer." 

On  some  points,  what  she  considered  the  important 
ones,  Mrs.  Vane's  mind  was  quite  at  rest,  and  she  made 
no  difficulties, — indeed,  took  Job  to  her  heart  at  once, 
and  wrote  him  so  many  letters  that  she  nearly  drove 
him  wild,  polite  correspondence,  conducted  with  unfail 
ing  regularity,  not  being  much  in  his  line. 

"  I  am  not  engaged  to  your  mother  that  I  know  of," 
he  wrote  to  Mabel ;  "  but  it  seems  to  me  that  I  hear 
from  her  by  every  mail,  and  she  expects  an  answer  to 
every  one  of  her  letters.  Do  explain  to  her  that  I  only 
write  to  my  own  mother  once  a  week." 

At  the  appointed  time  he  went  to  Cheltenham,  and 
he  and  Mabel  were  duly  married — with  a  wealth  of  car 
riages,  postilions,  and  wedding-favors  that  made  him 
wretched — from  the  house  of  Mabel's  third  cousin,  who, 
as  she  was  making  a  good  match,  "  took  her  up"  for  the 
first  time  and  gave  her  a  gorgeous  wedding-breakfast. 

From  England  they  went  to  Paris,  where  Mr.  Ket- 
chum  spent  a  small  fortune  on  his  gentle,  dazzled  little 
wife ;  and  from  there  he  took  her  all  over  the  Continent 
and  the  East,  and  brought  her  back  triumphantly  to 
America,  where  he  installed  her  in  a  lovely  home  of  her 
own. 

The  English  mother-in-law  thinks  herself  lucky  if 
she  is  allowed  to  spend  a  month  every  year  with  a  mar 
ried  daughter;  but  Kate  was  not  surprised  when  Mabel 
wrote,  "  Mamma  is  to  come  to  me  and  make  her  home 


THE  PERFECT  TREASURE.  97 

with  us  and  be  at  no  expense  whatever.     Was  there  ever 
anything  so  noble  and  generous  as  my  dear  husband?" 

Is  it  necessary  to  say  the  Fletchers  never  got  back 
that  bag,  and,  after  much  telegraphing  and  writing  and 
the  employment  of  the  best  detective  talent,  only  traced 
Walton  as  far  as  Spain,  and  found  out  that  the  dignified, 
able,  incomparable  "  perfect  treasure"  was — a  ticket-of- 
leave  man  ? 

He  had,  before  entering  the  Fletchers'  service,  been 
for  two  years  in  the  service  of  an  English  officer,  who 
thought  as  highly  of  him  as  they  had  done. 

"I  shall  never  get  over  it,  never!"  exclaimed  Jenny. 
"  The  foundations  of  society  are  completely  broken  up 
for  me.  I  wouldn't  trust  Cardinal  Newman  now,  or  Mr. 
Gladstone,  or  Charles  Francis  Adams  I" 

"  Well,  Jenny,  Walton  was  an  excelloni  servant,  none 
better,  but  there  was  always  something  about  his  ex 
pression  that  I  didn't  like,"  commented  Mrs.  Fletcher 
senior,  who,  like  the  Pope,  had  set  up  as  infallible,  and 
could  not  afford  to  be  surprised  by  an  earthquake. 


ON  THIS  SIDE 


ON  THIS  SIDE. 


i. 

ONE  day  in  the  spring  of  1878,  Mr.  Job  Ketchum,  r/jf 
the  firm  of  Ketchum  &  Kichardson,  brokers,  Kalsing, 
Michigan,  came  down  to  his  office  an  hour  earlier  than 
was  his  custom,  in  order,  as  he  told  his  wife,  that  he 
might  "buckle  down  to  his  work  and  get  things  ship 
shape  again,"  which  was  his  way  of  saying  that  he 
meant  to  attack  the  business  *  jid  correspondence  that 
had  accumulated  in  an  absence  of  six  weeks  from  home. 
Arrived  there,  he  seated  himself  before  a  large  desk 
abounding  in  pigeon-holes  and  strewn  with  papers,  en 
ergetically  unlocked  three  drawers  in  turn,  glanced  into 
and  relocked  them,  and  then  looked  about  him,  uncer 
tain  where  to  begin  when  there  was  so  much  to  be  done 
at  once.  His  clerk,  a  sharp-faced  young  fellow,  who 
had  greeted  him  familiarly  on  his  entrance  in  high- 
pitched,  nasal  tones,  now  approached,  picked  up  a  letter 
from  a  heap  on  the  desk,  perched  himself  on  a  table 
close  by,  swung  his  feet  idly,  and  with  a  rasping  laugh 
called  attention  to  certain  peculiarities  in  the  envelope 
and  address  of  the  document  in  his  hand. 

"  Hero's  a  communication  from  one  of  your  fine  Brit 
ish  friends,"  he  said,  "  postmarked  Leemington,  Wah- 

9*  101 


102  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

wickshire."  (Pronounced  in  a  broadly  American  fashion, 
that  would  have  puzzled  an  inhabitant  of  the  town  in 
question  not  a  little.)  "  Big  seal,  with  some  tomfoolery 
or  other  on  it,  and  addressed,  as  sure  as  my  name  is  Tom 
Price,  to  '  J.  Ketchum,  Esq.,  Kalsing,  Colorado,  Michi 
gan'  !  There's  an  idiot  for  you,  full-blown." 

"  I  don't  believe  it.  Give  it  here !"  exclaimed  his  em 
ployer,  holding  out  his  hand  for  the  letter ;  then,  recog 
nizing  the  handwriting,  he  could  but  smile  a  little  to 
find  the  accusation  true  and  have  fresh  evidence  that 
English  haziness  about  America  is  pretty  much  now 
what  it  was  when  Mr.  Joseph  Ball,  barrister,  of  London, 
used  to  send  voluminous  epistles  across  the  Atlantic  to 
his  beloved  nephew  "  Major  George  Washington,  at  the 
Falls  of  the  Rappahannock,  or  elsewhere  in  Virginia." 

"Queer,"  commented  Mr.  Ketchum,  "they — "  Hei-e 
he  looked  up,  caught  the  look  of  impudent  triumph  on- 
his  clerk's  face,  and  broke  off  to  say,  "  Not  that  it's  any 
business  of  yours,  Tom  Price,  that  I  can  see.  I  don't 
take  much  interest  in  your  wash-list  to  speak  of,  and 
I'll  thank  you  to  leave  my  letters  alone  in  future.  Per 
haps  you  may  have  heard  of  the  man  who  made  a  large 
fortune  by  attending  strictly  to  his  own  affairs.  You 
are  as  sharp  as  a  steel-trap  about  most  things,  but 
you've  got  no  more  notion  of  being  a  gentleman  than  a 
pig  has  of  being  a  gazelle." 

"  Oh,  pshaw !  I  guess  I'm  as  much  of  a  gentleman 
as  most,"  replied  Mr.  Price,  not  at  all  offended,  his  amia 
bility  being  as  invincible  as  his  vulgarity.  "  And  I  don't 
care  if  I  ain't,"  he  added  frankly.  "  I  don't  see  that  it 
would  put  anything  in  my  pocket.  What  are  you  so 
mad  about,  anyway  ?  Correspondin'  with  high  and 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  103 

mighty  Britishers  don't  agree  with  you.  Pity  you 
can't  teach  'em  a  little  geography ;  but  I  suppose  they're 
above  learnin'  it." 

"  I  suppose  you  are  good  at  it,  now,  ain't  you  ?"  asked 
the  artful  Mr.  Ketchum,  in  a  voice  full  of  flattering 
suggestion. 

"  I  believe  you,"  was  the  prompt  response ;  and  Mr. 
Price  got  down  and  swaggered  around  the  office  with 
his  hands  in  his  pockets.  "  Before  I  was  six  years  old 
I  knew  the  capital  of  every  State  in  the  country,  and 
most  of  the  rivers  and  big  towns.  I  knew  Colorado 
wasn't  in  Michigan  before  I  cut  my  first  tooth.  I  never 
heard  of  such  disgraceful  ignorance  in  all  my  born  days, 
— never!" 

"  Well,  if  you  know  so  much  about  geography,  sup 
pose  you  just  tell  me  where  Yorkshire  is,"  said  Mr. 
Ketchum,  coming  to  the  point. 

"Yorkshire?"  stammered  Mr.  Price,  blushing  furi 
ously  and  taken  suddenly  quite  out  of  his  depth. 
"Yorkshire?  Yorkshire?  Why,  it  is  in  Scot — no, 
England,  to  be  sure,"  he  said  boldly,  his  shrewd  eyes 
fixed  on  his  employer's  face. 

"  That  was  pure  guess-work,"  commented  Mr.  Ket 
chum,  mercilessly.  "  Well,  what  part  of  England  ?" 

"  Why,  it's  in  the  south — "  (here  Mr.  Ketchum  nodded 
affirmatively)  "western, — that  is  to  say,  eastern  part, 
ain't  it  ?"  hazarded  Mr.  Price  slowly. 

"  No,  it  ain't !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  You  get 
you  a  map  of  England,  young  man,  and  don't  you  talk 
any  more  about  ignorance  until  you  have  studied  it  a 
little  and  are  better  posted.  You  had  better  sing  small 
about  geography  for  a  while.  Because  you've  lit  your 


104  OAT  BOTH  SIDES. 

little  tallow  candle  and  got  twenty  feet  or  so  into  the 
tunnel,  don't  you  go  supposing  that  you  know  all  about 
the  bowels  of  the  earth.  Put  that  in  your  pipe  and 
smoke  it.  Lay  it  down  as  a  fixed  fact,  Tommy,  that 
what  you  don't  know  is  a  good  deal  more  remarkable 
than  what  you  do,  and  that  running  up  three  columns 
at  a  time  is  pretty  smart,  but  it  isn't  squaring  the  circle." 
Mr.  Price  muttered  something  to  the  effect  that  no 
body  knew  or  cared  to  know  anything  about  such  an 
out-of-the-way  place  ;  but  he  was  as  nearly  abashed  as 
it  was  possible  for  him  to  be,  and  it  was  some  time  be 
fore  the  flush  died  out  of  his  thin  face,  as  he  bent  over 
a  ponderous  ledger.  Not  to  be  "posted"  was  acutely 
humiliating  to  him,  for  he  prided  himself  upon  being 
habitually  in  that  mysterious  state  of  knowingness 
which  is  not  culture,  but  a  substitute  for  it  with  men 
of  his  calibre ;  and  his  discontent  finally  took  shape  in 
a  determination  to  change  his  subscription  from  the 
local  newspaper  to  a  New  York  daily  of  repute.  As 
for  Mr.  Ketchum,  he  leaned  back  in  his  chair,  not  ill 
pleased  with  his  share  in  the  late  discussion,  one  of 
many  such  into  which  he  was  continually  being  drawn, 
and  in  which  he  felt  obliged  to  sustain  the  role  of  cham 
pion  of  all  England,  partly  because  he  was  a  better 
judge  of  international  questions  than  most  of  his  coun 
trymen  and  liked  to  see  fair  play,  and  partly  from  love 
and  loyalty  to  his  wife,  a  shy,  timid  little  Englishwoman, 
who  never  took  up  the  cudgels  for  her  native  land,  no 
matter  how  preposterous  the  statements  made  about  it, 
but  only  rolled  her  eyes  beseechingly  at  her  husband, 
as  much  as  to  say,  "  Dear  Job,  do  you  hear  them  ?  Do 
tell  them  it  isn't  true  at  all  " 


0^   THIS  SIDE.  105 

Thus  inspired,  it  is  no  wonder  that  Mr.  Ketch um 
grew  quite  eloquent  in  defence  of  English  institutions 
sometimes,  and  rather  against  his  convictions  was  silent 
at  others.  But,  at  the  same  time,  he  did  not  develop 
the  faintest  symptom  of  Anglomania,  as  a  weaker  man 
would  have  done.  There  was  no  change  in  his  dress, 
speech,  or  habits,  and  when  he  went  to  England  he  be 
came  at  once  the  champion  of  all  America,  showed  the 
most  ardent  patriotism,  and  in  all  places  and  companies 
was  a  national  standard-bearer,  defending  republican 
institutions  with  immense  spirit,  if  somewhat  whimsi 
cally,  and  gaining  the  respect  even  of  those  who  dif 
fered  from  him  most  widely  and  radically. 

Mr.  Ketchum  had  no  sooner  made  himself  acquainted 
with  the  contents  of  his  letter  than  he  sprang  out  of 
his  chair,  seized  the  morning  paper,  looked  at  the  ship 
ping-news,  made  a  rapid  mental  calculation,  and  put 
himself  at  the  telephone,  which  was  hardly  invented 
before  he  had  adopted  it  (connecting  his  house  and 
office,  for  one  thing)  and  subscribed  for  all  the  shares 
he  could  get.  In  a  little  while  he  succeeded  in  estab 
lishing  communication  with  his  wife,  thanks  to  his 
masterly  use  of  an  instrument  which  requires  a  full 
half-hour  of  "Hello!"  and  "What's  that?"  treatment 
before  it  can  be  induced  to  repeat  the  simplest  message 
for  most  people. 

It  was : 

"  Is  that  you,  Daisy  ?    Are  you  there  ?" 

"  Yes,  love.     It  is  I." 

"  Good  news  for  you,  Mrs.  K.  I  have  just  had  a  letter 
from  Sir  Robert  Heathcote,  saying  that  he  is  on  his  way 
to  this  country  with  his  nephew,  another  fellow,  coming 


106  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

out  here  to  settle,  and  some  women-folks, — your  cousin 
among  them." 

Mrs.  K.,  evidently  aghast :  "  Dear  me !  Is  she  com 
ing  ?  Only  fancy !" 

"  Not  fancy  at  all,  my  dear,  but  a  melancholy  fact. 
She — they  will  all  get  in  to-morrow." 

"  You  don't  mean  it  I  Are  they  coming  out  West  ?" 
(plaintively.) 

"  Yes,  of  course." 

"  Then  you  might  ask  them  to  stop  over  from  the 
Saturday  until  the  Monday,  if  they  come  this  way." 

Mr.  K.,  energetically :  "  From  Saturday  until  Mon 
day?  Why,  Daisy  Ketchum,  I  wonder  you  ain't 
ashamed  to  say  such  a  thing!  As  if  I'd  do  such  a 
thing,  especially  to  people  who  have  come  three  thou 
sand  miles  and  very  likely  been  sea-sick  the  whole 
way !  I  wonder  at  you  !  I  thought  I  had  cured  you  of 
all  that  '  Saturday-until-Monday'  business.  We  might 
ask  them  to  stop  and  take  a  glass  of  water  with  us  as 
they  cross  the  continent,  if  you  are  bent  on  being  hos 
pitable." 

Mrs.  K.,  answering  the  accusation  made  against  hei;by 
implication  :  "  It  isn't  that ;  but  you  know  what  a  piece 
of  business  it  is  to  entertain  my  cousin.  She  will  give 
more  trouble  than  the  Emperor  of  Germany  could  and 
all  his  suite,  and  she  will  not  care  for  America  a  bit ; 
and  how  on  earth  shall  we  amuse  her?  I  don't  like 
her,  and  I  don't  want  her,  and  that  is  the  truth,  dear." 

"  With  the  bark  on.  No  more  do  I ;  but  she  is  in  the 
country,  and  it  won't  do  not  to  ask  her,  especially  as  she 
is  with  friends  of  ours." 

Mrs.  K.,  with  resignation:   "Perhaps  you  are  right. 


ON -THIS  SIDE.  107 

dear.  She'll  have  to  come.  Awful  nuisance!  Ask 
them,  then,  for  a  week." 

"  A  month,  you  mean." 

Mrs.  K.,  desperately:  "Job,  if  you  ask  her  for  a 
month  I  shall  be  quite  wretched." 

"  I  can't  make  it  less.     A  month  at  least,  Mabel." 

Mrs.  K.,  submissively :  "  Very  well,  dear.  You  know 
best.  As  you  please." 

"  I  please  to  make  it  three  weeks,  then,  good  child." 

"  Thank  you.  Three  weeks  of  my  cousin  is  equal  to 
a  cycle  of  anybody  else.  How  she  will  hate  America !" 

Mr.  Ketchum  whistles  a  few  bars  of  Yankee  Doodle 
defiantly,  and  then  says,  "  Hear  that  ?" 

"  Yes." 

"  There  are  several  lines  of  steamers  plying  between 
this  country  and  Europe,  I  believe. 

"  I  wish  she  was  going  home  in  one  of  them,  instead 
of  coming  out." 

"  Now,  Mabel,  don't  worry.  I'll  take  the  whole  thing 
off  your  shoulders,  and  get  a  housekeeper  and  order 
everything  from  New  York  in  first-rate  style." 

"  Is  Mr.  Price  there  ?" 

"  No,  he  has  just  gone  out."  (Frightful  fib  on  Mr. 
Ketchum's  part,  and  the  two  men  exchange  glances.) 

"  Then  here's  a  kiss  for  the  dearest  husband  in  the 
world!  Do  come  up  to  breakfast  soon, — stewed  kid 
neys  and  buttered  toast !" 

"All  right.  I'll  be  up  directly, — as  soon  as  I  have 
answered  Sir  Robert's  letter.  And  Mr.  Price  hasn't 
been  out  at  all,  Daisy." 

A  faint,  indignant  "  Oh,  Jcb!  How  could  you?"  and 
the  telephone  closed. 


JOS  ON  BOTH  SIDES 

Mr.  Ketchum  was  late  for  breakfast,  after  all,  but  ex- 
plained  his  detention  satisfactorily :  "  I  sent  Sir  Robert 
a  batch  of  letters  of  introduction, — one  to  the  Browns, 
— and  promised  and  vowed  in  your  name  that  you 
would  write  to  your  cousin  by  the  fii  st  mail  to  say  that 
you  were  pining  for  a  sight  of  some  English  relative  in 
your  miserable  American  home." 

"  You  are  not  in  earnest  ?  Surely  you  didn't  say 
that?"  Mrs.  Ketchum  queried,  rather  anxiously,  for  sho 
was  a  very  literal  person,  and  was  never  quite  certain 
whether  her  husband  spoke  in  jest  or  earnest. 

"  "Well,  you  will  find  it  safer  not  to  take  all  my  re 
marks  at  their  face  value,"  was  his  reply.  "  You  ought 
to  have  heard  Tom  Price  trying  to  pump  me  this  morn 
ing  about  the  party.  He's  got  curiosity  enough  to  set 
up  a  dozen  villages  and  two  dozen  convents.  He'll  not 
close  an  eye  now  until  he  finds  out  every  single  blessed 
mortal  thing  about  every  one  of  them.  He  asked 
Richardson  what  he  gave  for  his  new  carriage,  and  got 
no  satisfaction ;  that  was  six  months  ago ;  and,  if  you 
believe  me,  he  no  sooner  saw  him  come  in  to-day  than 
he  stepped  up  to  him  and  said,  '  You  needn't  have  been 
so  close  about  that  carriage  of  yours.  I've  found  out 
all  about  it.  It  isn't  new  at  all.  It's  second-hand,  and 
you  gave  four  hundred  and  thirty  dollars  for  it,  and 
forty  more  to  have  it  done  over.'  You  ought  to  have 
seen  Richardson's  face.  He  could  have  bit  a  ten-penny 
nail  in  two  ;  not  that  he  cared  so  much  about  that,  but 
it's  everything.  If  he  steps  into  a  restaurant  to  take  a 
dozen  oysters,  there  is  Tom.  If  he  goes  into  a  bar 
room,  Tom  mentions  it  at  the  dinner-table, — Tom  is  his 
wife's  brother,  you  know,  and  lives  with  them.  If  he 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  109 

buys  a  new  suit,  Tom  finds  out  what  he  gave  for  it ; 
likewise  cigars,  buggy-drives,  and  treats  of  all  kinds. 
If  he  owes  any  money,  Tom  knows  about  that.  In 
fact,  there's  nothing  he  don't  know.  Not  that  he  has 
camped  on  Richardson's  trail,  but  just  because  he  is  a 
born  detective  and  would  cross-question  a  corpse  if  ho 
got  the  chance.  He  is  a  calamity  on  casters.  Richard 
son  isn't  an  ornament  of  the  Young  Men's  Christian 
Association  exactly,  or  superintendent  of  a  Sunday- 
school,  and  hates  being  dogged  around  like  poison ;  but 
he  might  as  well  try  to  escape  death  as  Thomas  J." 

"  His  sister  Lucy  is  not  at  all  a  nice  person,  I  think," 
commented  Mrs.  Ketchum. 

"  Oh,  I  can't  stand  her  at  all.  She  is  nine  distinct 
varieties  of  born  fool,  and  would  talk  the  ears  off  a  brass 
monkey.  He  has  sense,  at  least,  and  is  a  good-hearted 
chap,  as  easy  to  get  on  with  as  an  old  shoe.  I  don't 
mind  telling  him  when  I  had  the  measles,  and  what  I 
paid  the  doctor,  and  how  old  my  grandmother  was  that 
nursed  me,  and  what  her  maiden  name  was,  and  her 
husband's  name,  and  the  names  and  sex  of  all  her  chil 
dren,  and  how  well  off  she  was  left,  and  a  few  dozen 
other  things,  unless  I  happen  to  be  busy,  and  then  I 
give  him  a  file  to  gnaw,  pretty  quick." 

Mrs.  Ketchum  was  accustomed  to  her  husband's  way 
of  putting  things,  but  was  now  listening  to  him  with 
the  ears  of  her  English  cousin. 

"  Dear  Job,"  she  said,  "  how  you  do  talk !  What 
curious  expressions  you  use !" 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?  I  talk  like  other  men,  don't 
I  ?"  he  said  quickly.  "  I  haven't  taken  out  a  patent  for 
it,  at  any  rate.  I  know  what  you  mean.  You  mean 

10 


110  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

that  I  don't  talk  like  an  Englishman.  Don't  you?"  he 
demanded,  with  some  asperity. 

Mrs.  Ketchum  colored  violently,  and  then  said  gently 
but  honestly,  "  Yes,  dear.  Don't  be  vexed  at  my  think 
ing  that.  I  don't  really  wish  you  to  be  different  in 
anything  from  what  you  are." 

"  "Well,  it  is  lucky  that  you  don't,"  he  replied,  his  face 
relaxing,  but  his  tones  still  emphatic,  "  at  least  as  far  as 
making  an  imitation  Englishman  of  myself  is  concerned. 
I  was  born  an  American,  and  I  expect,  with  the  blessing 
of  heaven  and  the  permission  of  the  court,  to  live  and 
die  one.  Not  that  I  don't  like  the  English,- and  respect 
them,  too.  Any  sensible  man  with  a  level  head  is  bound 
to  do  the  last,  whether  he  does  the  first  or  not,  and  it's 
all  nonsense  Americans  being  down  on  them.  It  is  true 
that  they  made  the  mistake  for  a  while  of  giving  us  twc 
fingers  when  we  were  holding  out  both  hands  with  our 
hearts  in  them ;  but  they  know  better  now,  and  it  is 
stupid  to  harp  any  longer  on  that  old  string.  They  are 
fine,  brave  fellows,  and  tell  the  truth  thirteen  times  in 
the  dozen,  and  if  they  are  not  our  relations  I  don't  know 
where  we  are  to  look  for  any,  for  my  part.  I  don't 
want  any  Frenchmen  or  Italians  in  mine,  thank  you. 
It  is  my  belief  that  the  Lord  has  divided  the  footstool 
between  us  and  asked  us  to  stand  sponsors  for  the 
human  race.  But  all  the  same,  when  I  see  some  of 
those  fellows  in  the  East,  with  their  plaid  suits  that  it 
would  take  two  men  to  show  the  pattern,  and  their  side- 
whiskers,  and  their  umbrellas,  and  bath-towels  pinned 
ai'ound  their  hats,  hawhawing  and  swelling  around, 
hoping  to  be  mistaken  for  Englishmen  or  anything  but 
Americans,  I  swear  I'd  give  my  Susquehanna  preferred 9 


O.V   THIS  SIDE.  HI 

if  I  could  put  every  mother's  son  of  them  to  rounding 
up  cattle  out  on  my  Colorado  ranch  for  ten  years,  until 
they  came  to  their  senses.  There's  Sam  Bates,  now, — 
Sam's  last  is  to  call  the  whole  of  this  continent  outside 
the  city  of  New  York  '  the  provinces' !  I  asked  him 
when  the  king  his  father  was  going  to  make  him  gov 
ernor-general  of  them,  but  the  gump  only  simpered  and 
looked  as  if  I  had  paid  him  a  compliment." 

"  Is  he  a  New-Yorker  ?" 

"  No — o !  Not  any  more  than  I  am  a  South-Sea  Is 
lander.  He  was  born  and  raised  right  here  in  Tecumseh. 
His  father  had  no  frills.  He  was  as  good  an  old  grocer 
as  ever  sanded  sugar,  took  to  shaving  notes,  made  a  pile 
which  Sam  got  and  spends  in  '  Noo  York,'  as  he  calls 
it,  and  was  gathered  about  ten  years  ago.  Pity  old 
Bates  can't  see  how  it's  going :  he'd  regret  ever  having 
made  a  dime.  A  fortune  is  like  a  razor,  and,  unfortu 
nately,  parents  never  can  tell  whether  a  son  will  shave 
with  it  or  cut  his  throat.  I  hope  that  youngster  of 
ours,  Daisy,  will  turn  out  a  man,  and  not  a  monkey  or 
any  other  sort  of  brute." 

Mrs.  Ketchum,  as  proud  possessor  of  the  dearest  and 
downiest  little  baby  in  the  world,  was  quite  shocked  by 
this  speech,  and  said  decisively,  "  Of  course  he  will. 
How  can  you  doubt  it,  dear  ?  You  ought  not  to  speak 
so  harshly  of  Mr.  Bates.  Perhaps  he  is  just  naturally 
a  foolish  sort  of  creature." 

"  Well,  I  do  try  to  remember  that  the  Lord  made 
him,  but  he  is  certainly  one  of  heaven's  light-weights. 
I'll  try  not  to  square  at  him  any  more  than  I  can  help, 
though." 

With  this  concession  the  meal  cloned;  indeed,  for  Mr 


112  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Ketchum  it  had  pi  actically  come  to  an  end  some  time 
before,  for  the  most  elaborate  dinner  never  occupied  his 
attention  for  more  than  twenty  minutes,  the  simpler 
meals  an  incredibly  short  time ;  and  after  having  taken 
what  he  wanted  it  was  usually  his  custom  to  walk  about 
the  room  while  his  wife  calmly  and  leisurely  attended  to 
all  her  little  duties, — slowly  poured  out  her  tea,  chipped 
away  at  her  egg  more  slowly  still,  and  ate  slowest 
of  all,  wholly  uninfluenced  by  his  restlessness.  He 
would  stop  for  a  moment,  sometimes,  to  watch,  with  a 
bantering  twinkle  in  his  eye,  the  calm  movements  of 
her  pretty,  white,  beringed  fingers  and  tell  her  that 
"threescore  years  and  ten  was  all  she  could  count 
upon,  though  there  was  Thomas  Parr,  to  be  sure."  And 
she  would  smile,  and  say  that  "  one  must  breakfast 
comfortably,"  and  assure  him  that  it  was  "  quite  unne 
cessary  to  fidget  about  so,  time  saved  not  always  being 
time  gained."  But  neither  ever  succeeded  in  either  ac 
celerating  or  retarding  the  natural  pendulum  that  ticked 
so  busily  and  incessantly  in  his  case,  with  such  long, 
reposeful  swing  in  hers. 

Being  in  a  talkative  mood  on  this  particular  morning, 
Mr.  Ketchum  grew  reminiscent  over  his  cigar,  and  had 
a  great  deal  to  say  about  Cheltenham,  the  beautiful 
English  town  in  which  he  had  met  and  married  his  wife, 
the  people  he  had  known  there,  and  so  on  by  natural 
transition  to  their  expected  guests,  for  whom,  in  Amer 
ican  fashion,  he  was  willing  to  put  himself  out  to  any 
extent,  anxious  only  that  they  should  see  and  enjoy  as 
much  as  possible,  and  generously  ready  to  meet  any  and 
every  demand  that  might  be  made  upon  his  time  or 
purse.  As  for  trouble,  he  was  quite  willing  to  take  that. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  HJt 

too,  but  all  unconsciously,  the  word  being  either  left  out 
of  the  American  host's  Worcester  Unabridged  or  trans 
lated  as  pleasure. 

It  was  not  often  that  the  husband  and  wife  got  such 
a  long,  quiet  talk,  for  reasons  that  will  presently  be  ex 
plained. 

When  he  finally  discovered  how  late  it  was,  he  ex 
claimed,  "  This  ain't  business  much,  but  I  have  enjoyed 
it.  We  are  not  exactly  wretched  without  our  old  ladies » 
are  we,  now  ?  I  wonder  if  they  wouldn't  like  a  trip  to 
California  or  Cuba  some  time?  Good-by,  Daisy.  See 
that  Frawlein  gets  her  beef-tea  at  twelve." 

This  is  clearly  the  place  to  make  the  reader  acquainted 
with  all  the  persons  just  mentioned,  and  to  explain  their 
connection  with  the  Ketchums.  When  Mr.  Ketchum 
transplanted  his  English  daisy  from  the  meadows  of 
Gloucestershire  to  his  native  prairies,  he  felt  in  duty 
bound  to  offer  the  same  advantage  to  the  parent-root, 
which  he  thought  must  otherwise  pine  and  droop,  for 
lorn  and  miserable,  away  from  its  fair  little  flower.  To 
drop  metaphor,  he  thought  himself  the  natural  guardian 
and  protector  of  his  wife's  widowed  mother,  and  as  a 
simple  matter  of  course  asked  her  to  make  her  homo 
with  him.  From  the  moment  she  came  under  his  roof 
he  treated  her  with  the  indulgence  which  alone  was 
possible  to  him  in  any  intimate  relation  with  women, 
and  for  a  whole  year  that  lady  revelled  in  a  luxurious 
suite  of  apartments  set  apart  for  her  exclusive  use, 
her  own  carriage  and  servants,  and  the  belief  that  she 
\vould  sooner  or  later  get  entire  control  of  her  daugh' 
ter's  establishment.  A£  the  end  of  that  time  Mr.  Ket 
chum  brought  his  own  mother  home,  for  reasons  aa 
h  10* 


114  O.V  BOTH  SIDES. 

obvious  and  natural,  and  installed  her  on  the  same  floor, 
across  the  hall,  with  exactly  the  same  privileges,  indul 
gences,  and  comforts. 

lie  congratulated  himself  upon  this  arrangement  very 
much,  if  a  little  prematurely. 

"  Your  ma  has  had  a  hard  life  of  it,  and  so  has  mine," 
he  said  to  his  wife ;  "  and  they  are  both  getting  old,  and 
I  am  determined  that  they  shall  have  everything  they 
want.  I've  got  plenty  to  do  it  with,  and  we'll  just  nil 
live  along  together  hero  as  snug  as  sardines.  I  ain't 
a-going  to  make  any  difference  between  them,  down  to 
a  paper  of  pins,  and  I  know  you  ain't  the  woman  to  do 
it  either." 

In  accordance  with  these  views,  Mr.  Ketchum  gave 
both  ladies  exactly  the  same  allowance  of  pin-money, 
christened  them  facetiously  "  Mother  and  T'other,"  put 
one  on  his  right  hand  and  one  on  his  left  at  table,  and 
behaved  with  the  most  absolute  fairness  and  the  most 
admirable  kindness  in  everything,  from  the  greatest  to 
the  smallest  question  that  came  up.  Mabel,  who  loved 
and  admired  her  husband's  generosity,  imitated  it  as 
well,  and  never  was  there  less  room  given  for  jealousy 
or  heart-burning  in  any  household  that  was  ever  organ 
ized.  Mr.  Ketchum  himself  saw  to  their  comforts, — 
their  bedroom  fires,  port,  steaks,  tonics,  and  what  not, 
— and  Mrs.  Ketchum  was  an  affectionate,  respectful 
daughter  to  both  alike,  anxious  to  consult  their  tastes, 
anticipate  their  wishes,  and  obey  their  very  distracting 
and  somewhat  imperious  commands,  for  their  advice 
and  counsels  were  apt  to  take  the  latter  shape.  A  more 
cjmplete  and  ideal  paradise  for  two  weary  old  women, 
who  had  been  battling  with  poverty  and  misfortune 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  115 

respectively  for  sixty  and  sixty-five  years,  it  would  be 
impossible  to  conceive ;  yet,  such  is  the  perversity  of 
human  nature,  neither  of  them  was  satisfied,  happy,  or 
particularly  grateful.  One  would  have  supposed  that 
there  was  no  room  for  the  serpent  to  wriggle  in,  try  as 
he  might ;  yet  he  was  there,  in  envy  and  jealousy,  mal 
ice  and  all  uncharitableness,  pride  and  love  of  dominion. 
All  Mr.  Ketchum's  thoughtfulness,  generosity,  and  ben 
efactions  were  poisoned  to  each  by  the  thought  that  the 
other  shared  them.  Did  he  bring  home  a  box  of  par 
ticularly  fine  grapes  for  Mrs.  Yane,  that  lady  was  certain 
that  its  counterpart  was  reserved  for  her  rival.  Did  he 
surprise  his  mother  by  sending  her  up  a  handsome  silk 
dress  of  the  most  superior  quality,  she  knew  quite  well 
that  another  dress  had  been  cut  from  the  same  piece  for 
Mrs.  Vane.  And  so  the  honest  fellow  got  but  tepid 
thanks,  and  went  delicately,  like  King  Agag,  fearing  to 
tread  on  one  or  other  of  the  sensitive  plants,  whose 
"feelings"  would  hardly  bear  being  breathed  upon, 
though  they  had  small  care  for  the  feelings  of  others ; 
and  Mabel  was  ever  gentle  and  good  and  patient,  and 
the  two  foolish  old  bodies  squabbled  over  everything 
that  came  up,  and  made  themselves  very  ridiculous  and 
very  miserable.  The  usual  attitude  of  the  belligerents 
was  one  of  ill-repressed  sniffs  and  sneers :  the  warfare 
was  illogical  and  deathless,  though  rarely  did  it  find 
vent  in  open  outbreaks.  These,  when  they  came,  oc 
curred  always  when  Mr.  Ketchum's  restraining  influence 
was  removed,  for,  with  all  his  indulgence,  he  was  em 
phatically  master  of  his  own  house,  and  could,  as  he 
expressed  it,  "put  his  foot  down,"  indeed,  plant  both 
feet  firmly  and  squarely  and  stamp  on  other  feet  that 


116  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

got  in  his  way.  Once  at  table  when  Mrs.  Ketchum 
senior  had  openly  taunted  Mrs.  Vane  with  being  a  de 
pendant  on  her  son's  bounty,  and  Mrs.  Vane  had  taken 
the  ground  that  the  third-cousin  of  an  English  earl  con 
ferred  an  honor  in  accepting  anything  at  the  hands  of 
social  inferiors  who  were  only  too  glad  to  purchase  good 
blood  at  any  price,  Mr.  Ketchum  had  got  into  one  of 
his  rare  rages,  and  had  frightened  them  so  thoroughly 
and  rebuked  them  so  sternly  that  for  a  month  afterward 
all  was  as  beautifully  calm  and  bright  as  moonlight  in 
the  tropics. 

As  a  rule,  he  would  good-naturedly  laugh  and  joke 
away  the  little  clouds  that  arose  on  the  domestic  hori 
zon,  or  whisper  to  his  wife,  "  The  ladies !  God  bless 
'em  I"  and  she  would  say,  "  Dear  mamma  is  really  most 
trying  at  times."  Husband  and  wife  were  in  perfect 
accord  and  sympathy,  and  quite  resolved  to  do  their 
duty,  no  matter  how  disagreeable. 

But,  as  if  this  situation  were  not  enough  to  try  the 
temper  and  exercise  the  tact  and  forbearance  of  any 
couple,  a  third  element  of  discord  had  been  added  some 
time  before  the  period  of  which  this  treats.  It  hap 
pened  in  this  way.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ketchum  had  spent 
the  previous  summer  in  England,  and  while  there  the 
latter  was  much  shocked  to  receive  one  day  a  letter 
from  a  former  governess,  written  actually  from  the 
union,  into  which  the  worthy  woman  had  drifted,  owing 
to  a  complication  of  misfortunes, — the  failure  of  a  bank 
containing  her  little  savings,  ill  health,  and  old  age. 
She  begged  to  see  her  "  theure  allerliebste  Schulerin"  and 
of  course  Mabel  went  to  her  at  once,  and  had  her  gentle 
heart  much  touched  by  the  friendless  and  forlorn  state 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  117 

in  which  she  found  her  old  friend.  And  what  should 
Job  do  but  go  and  see  the  poor  creature  himself,  carry 
ing  more  life  and  sunshine  into  a  dingy  institution  and 
a  despairing  soul  than  either  had  ever  known  before ! 

Fraulein  Faustina  Schmidt  was  certainly  not  the 
loveliest  of  her  sex  at  her  best,  much  less  in  the  faded 
print  bed-gown  that  served  her  for  every-day  wear  and 
the  black  hood  that  framed  her  broad,  roughly-hewn 
German  face  (restless  Mr.  Ketchum  had  insisted  on 
seeing  her  at  once,  and  would  hardly  have  waited  had 
it  been  the  queen  instead,  desirous  of  appearing  before 
him  in  her  coronation-robes) ;  but  had  she  been  young 
and  lovely,  and  an  heiress  besides,  she  could  not  have 
met  with  more  kind  and  considerate  treatment  from  our 
American. 

How  she  ever  gathered  the  gist  of  her  visitor's 
eccentrically- worded  conversation  and  quavered  out  her 
assent,  surprise,  and  gratitude,  no  one  knows,  but  in  a 
very  brief  time  the  royal-hearted  fellow  had  settled  all 
her  future,  hired  a  nurse  for  her,  ordered  her  clothes 
packed  on  the  morrow,  and  herself  to  be  transported 
bodily  to  Brighton  to  convalesce.  After  this  he  went 
all  over  the  establishment,  made  various  shrewd  and 
searching  comments  on  what  he  saw,  resisted  several 
direct  and  indirect  attempts  to  lighten  him  of  a  shilling, 
and  finally  left  behind  him  enough  money  to  give  the 
inmates  what  he  called  "  a  good,  sqiiare  meal,  reckoning 
eight  to  a  turkey  and  trimmings,"  and  to  provide 
enough  tobacco  for  the  luckless  old  men  and  tea  for  the 
peevish  old  women  to  last  three  full  months. 

As  he  was  about  to  drive  off,  a  fancy  struck  him,  and 
he  hailed  the  functionary  with  whom  he  had  just  parted. 


118  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

l"  What  would  it  cost  to  stuff  'em  with  oysters  ?"  he 
said. 

"  Beg  pardon,  sir  ?" 

"  The  turkeys,  I'm  talking  about.  I'd  like  those  poor 
old  dead-beats  to  know  an  oyster  when  they  meet  it  in 
the  next  world." 

The  official  stared,  confounded  by  the  proposition  and 
the  terms  in  which  it  was  made. 

"  For  us,  sir,  you  mean,  I  suppose.  Thank  you,  sir. 
It  would  be  a  matter  of — " 

"  I  mean  for  the  whole  lay-out." 

"  For  them  paupers,  sir  ?  You  never  can  be  meanin' 
to  do  such  a  wicked  thing,  beggin'  pardon  for  makin' 
so  bold." 

"  Oh,  that's  your  opinion,  is  it  ?  Well,  it  ain't  mine. 
I  guess  I'll  be  forgiven  for  it.  They  don't  have  such  a 
lively  time,  that  you  should  grudge  'em  this  little  blow 
out.  Poor  things  !  it  would  be  money  in  their  pockets 
if  they  never  had  been  born.  Well,  speak  up :  what's 
the  damage  ?" 

Thus  rebuked  and  solicited,  the  official  named  twice 
the  sum  necessary  for  the  purpose,  and  was  told  that 
oysters  must  be  considerably  dearer  in  the  country  than 
in  London,  and  got  something  more  than  half;  and 
away  rattled  Mr.  Ketchum,  having  first  announced  that 
he  was  "  coming  down  to  see  the  thing  out."  This  he 
actually  did,  ten  days  later,  and  a  chapter  might  be 
written  about  his  visit  and  his  interviews  with  the 
clergyman  of  the  parish,  the  doctor,  and  various  local 
magnates. 

He  gave  his  wife  a-  lively  enough  account  of  the  affair 
afterward:  "They  were  all  out  in  all  their  war-paint 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  119 

and  feathers, — regular  paper-mill  display ;  had  been 
getting  ready,  evidently,  for  a  week,"  he  said.  "  Poor 
things !  I  took  down  a  lot  of  gooseberry  champagne, 
and  when  the  corks  began  to  pop  every  eye  was  glued 
to  the  nearest  bottle  and  glittered  like  the  Ancient 
Mariner's.  Nobody  said  a  word.  When  it  was  poured 
out,  some  gulped  down  the  glassful  and  seemed  to  huve 
a  palate  a  mile  long,  and  others  seemed  to  dole  it  out 
almost  a  drop  at  a  time.  You  could  see  it  was  kingdom- 
come  to  'em.  I  haven't  had  as  much  fun  for  a  coon'n 
uge.  And  you  ought  to  have  seen  them  when  the 
first  oyster  struck  'em  full  and  fair  all  round  and  went 
straight  to  the  spot !  I  would  have  given  anything  for 
their  photographs  taken  in  the  act.  Mean,  coppery 
little  things  I  thought  'em,  no  more  like  our  Blue  Points 
than  chalk's  like  cheese;  but  they  didn't  know  the 
difference.  We  drank  the  queen's  health,  and  the 
President's,  and  the  army,  and  the  navy,  and  the  church, 
if  you  please,  and  they  tried  to  get  in  a  lot  of  the  '  gen 
erous  benefactor'  business,  but  I  put  a  stop  to  that 
mighty  quick.  There  was  one  old  champion  gorman 
dizer,  about  ten  thousand  years  old,  that  ought  to  bu 
dead  to-day  if  he  isn't.  And — Lord,  Lord  ! — the  songs ! 
It  was  worth  every  cent  of  the  money,  and  more  too." 
Then,  after  a  long  pause,  "  There  is  nothing  for  the  old 
lady  but  blood-letting,  and  we — that  is,  the  United  States 
— have  got  to  hold  the  basin,  Daisy,"  he  concluded. 

Mrs.  Ketchum  had  not  bargained  for  such  complete 
success  as  resulted  from  her  attempt  to  awaken  her 
husband's  interest  in  her  ex-governess,  and,  when  ho 
announced  that  he  meant  to  take  Fraulein  Schmidt 
home  with  them,  she  could  not  believe  her  ears.  A 


120  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

small — a  very  small — pension  was  as  much  as  she  had 
dreamed  of,  and  to  her  mind  would  have  been  a  munifi 
cent  return  for  such  services. 

"  To  live  with  us  !  You  surely  can't  mean  it,  love  ? 
What  an  extraordinary  idea  !"  she  said,  in  quite  a  loud 
voice  for  her.  "  What  put  it  into  your  head  ?" 

"  Why,  you  see,  she  hasn't  got  a  friend  on  the  face 
of  the  green  earth  except  us,"  he  replied  simply,  as 
if  that  covered  the  whole  ground.  He  turned  a  frank, 
pleasant  faco  toward  his  wife  for  a  moment  as  he  said 
this,  quite  unshadowed  by  doubts  or  misgivings,  and 
then  went  on  brushing  the  short-cut,  bristling  hairs  on 
his  head,  as  if  his  object  was  to  brush  them  off,  for  this 
conversation  took  place  early  in  the  morning,  when 
Mr.  Ketchum  was  effecting  a  toilet  by  means  of  his 
usual  energetic  methods. 

"  But  to  live  with  us  ?"  murmured  his  wife. 

"Yes.  Why  not?  All  she  wants  is  a  seat  in  a 
chimney-corner  for  a  few  years  with  kind  people.  She 
has  taught  school  for  fifty  years,  and  has  got  nothing 
but  rheumatism  to  show  for  it  and  death  to  look  for 
ward  to.  I  guess,  now,  we  can  take  her  in  out  of  the 
cold,  can't  we,  Daisy  ?" 

Mrs.  Ketchum  had  all  the  acquiescent  meekness  of 
the  English  wife,  and  would  have  submissively  con 
sented  to  almost  any  proposition  of  her  husband's,  but 
she  had  something  more,  and  it  was  this  quality  that 
led  to  a  rather  unusual  and  impulsive  demonstration  on 
her  part.  She  ran  swiftly  across  the  room,  put  both 
arms  gently  around  her  husband's  neck  (it  was  impos 
sible  for  her  to  be  other  than  gentle),  gave  him  several 
kisses,  and  then  stood  off  and  admired  him  unaffectedly. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  121 

•'Why,  hello,  Daisy!  What's  up?  Want  fifty 
pounds  ?"  said  he. 

"  No.  It's  only  that  you  are  such  a  dear !"  she  ex 
plained,  in  her  ordinary  tranquil  tones.  "  There  never 
was  any  one  like  you,  my  dear  husband,  and  I  do  love 
you  for  it."  Woman-like,  she  did  not  state  what  "  it" 
was,  but  she  did  better, — she  understood  and  sympa 
thized  with  it. 

"  But  what  will  the  mothers  say  ?"  she  presently 
asked.  "  They  will  never  submit  to  it,  not  even  for  a 
twelvemonth, — never !  I  really  think  they  would  leave 
the  house  first." 

"  Oh,  no,  they  wouldn't,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum  coolly. 
"  They  are  a  great  deal  too  sharp  for  that.  They  are 
not  going  to  saw  themselves  off  a  limb  for  a  bird's 
nest." 

The  astute  Mr.  Ketchum  was  not  mistaken,  and 
Fraiilein  Schmidt  was  soon  successfully  grafted  on 
the  family  tree,  rested  thankfully  in  its  wide-spread 
ing  shade,  and  ate  gratefully  of  its  generous  fruit 
without  frightening  away  other  birds  of  gayer  plu 
mage  with  a  better  claim  to  lodge  in  its  branches. 
Mr.  Ketchum,  to  be  sure,  displayed  some  tact  and 
generalship  in  the  affair.  That  is,  he  gave  the  enemy 
no  notice  of  the  intended  movement  beforehand,  of 
fered  no  apology  at  any  time,  and  left  his  wife  to 
make  all  the  explanations.  In  his  jolly,  off-hand  man 
ner  there  was  a  tinge  of  authority  that  the  mothers 
correctly  interpreted,  as  he  introduced  Fraulein  Schmidt 
to  them  and  then  installed  her  himself  in  a  comfortable 
room  and  told  her  that  she  was  "just  to  make  herself 
at  home." 

F  11 


122  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  If  you  don't  see  what  you  want,  ask  for  it,  as  the 
stores  say.  I  guess  you'll  do  now,  won't  you?"  he 
said  to  his  protegee,  who  shed  copious  tears,  called  upon 
"loved  heaven"  and  "the  dear  God"  a  dozen  times  in 
a  vain  attempt  to  express  her  gratitude,  and  could 
scarcely  believe  her  good  fortune,  which  seemed  made 
of  the  stuff  that  dreams  are,  until  she  had  spent  a 
week  in  unpacking  a  certain  hair-trunk  (blistered  and 
labelled  and  brass-nailed  to  a  wonderful  extent)  and 
had  arranged  and  rearranged  its  contents  in  the  ward 
robe-bureau,  closet,  and  chest  of  drawers  with  which 
she  was  lavishly  supplied. 

The  rival  mothers  were  completely  taken  aback. 
They  thought  it  best  to  temporize  for  a  day  or  two, 
and  then  open  fire.  Mrs.  Ketchum  senior  accordingly 
came  into  the  room  where  her  son  was  on  the  third 
morning  after  his  arrival,  prepared  for  conflict.  She 
was  a  delicate,  refined-looking  woman,  with  very  large, 
light-blue  eyes,  emphasized  by  arched  brows,  which 
she  sent  up  in  an  aggrieved  way  almost  to  the  roots  of 
her  white  hair  as  she  took  a  rocking-chair,  apparently 
that  she  might  make  a  virtue  of  sitting  bolt  upright  in 
it,  and  demanded  imperiously  an  ansAver  to  certain 
questions.  "  Is  it  possible,  Job,  that  you  mean  that 
horrid  German  creature,  that  eats  with  her  knife  and 
is  perfectly  odious  in  every  way,  to  stay  here  perma 
nently  ?"  she  said,  after  some  talk  between  them. 

"  That's  it,  ma'am.  You've  hit  the  nail  right  on  the 
head.  She'll  stay  here  until  the  undertaker  asks  to  seo 
heron  a  little '  matter  of  business ;  and  I  shall  expect 
everybody  in  this  house  to  treat  her  with  politeness 
and  respect,"  he  replied. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  123 

"  I'll  have  nothing  to  do  with  her, — nothing  what 
ever,"  she  snapped.  "  How  many  more  foreigners  are 
you  going  to  take  upon  yourself  to  support,  pray  ?" 

"  I  can't  say,  really.  I  ain't  an  emigration-agent, 
exactly, — no  fellow  can  be  who  wouldn't  rather  tell  a 
lie  on  credit  than  the  truth  for  cash, — but  I  rather  like 
founding  a  house  for  indignant  females  as  far  as  I've 
got.  It  keeps  things  moving  along  lively.  Look  here, 
mother :  don't  let's  have  any  more  of  this.  You've  got 
all  you  want,  haven't  you  ?  If  you  haven't,  you  know 
very  well  you  can  have  it  quick  enough.  What  do  you 
want  to  go  pounding  the  saw-dust  out  of  that  old 
Dutch  doll  for  ?  Live  and  let  live." 

"  You  mean  that  you  are  going  to  keep  her  ?" 

"  Yes.  She  is  here,  and  here  she  is  going  to  stay. 
And,  mind,  she's  got  to  be  treated  right ;  and  that's  all 
about  it." 

"  Well,  my  son,  far  be  it  from  me  to  dictate,  or  even 
advise,  any  course  of  conduct  to  any  "one  in  this  house. 
Only,  I'll  not  stay  here  any  longer.  I'll  go  to  my 
brother  John's,  where,  if  I  am  to  be  overrun  at  all,  it 
will  not  be  by  foreigners  and  paupers.  And  mark  my 
words :  you'll  fail  in  business  yet  fooling  your  money 
away  as  you  do,  and  buying — " 

"  You  mean  my  uncle  John's  ?" 

"  Yes,  of  course." 

"  Well,  I  didn't  know.  You  seemed  to  lay  so  much 
strens  on  his  being  your  brother,  I  thought  perhaps 
there  was  some  mistake.  Now,  here  is  the  way  that 
is :  You  know  I  am  more  than  glad  to  have  you  stay 
with  me  as  long  as  you  find  it  agreeable,  mother ;  but  if 
you  would  rather  be  wi^h  your  brother  John  of  course  f 


124  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

won't  interfere.  My  object  is  to  make  you  as  happy 
and  as  comfortable  as  I  can.  "When  would  you  like  to 
go?" 

Here  was  a  dilemma  out  of  which  there  was  but  one 
way,  and  that  a  way  Mrs.  Ketchum  was  not  disposed 
to  take  just  then;  so  she  said,  "To-morrow,"  very 
haughtily  and  huffily,  and  left  the  room.  "Whereupon 
her  son  wore  his  shrewdest  smile,  being  privately  con 
vinced  that  she  would  either  not  go  at  all,  or,  going, 
would  remain  a  very  short  time  indeed. 

At  the  same  time,  in  another  part  of  the  house, 
Mrs.  Vane  was  taking  her  daughter  very  roundly  to 
task  about  the  same  thing.  She  was  a  large,  florid 
woman,  who,  in  order  to  give  effect  to  the  position  she 
took  up  as  martyr,  on  such  occasions  was  wont  to  put 
on  her  dressing-gown,  tie  a  handkerchief  around  hei 
forehead,  and,  vinaigrette  in  hand,  approach  the  griev 
ance  of  the  moment,  whatever  it  might  be,  warding  off 
every  return-blow  in  the  discussion  by  pathetic  allu 
sions  to  her  "  poor  head"  (which  never  ached  so  badly 
as  to  prevent  the  fullest  expression  of  her  own  views 
and  sentiments),  and  retiring  when  utterly  worsted 
behind  a  huge  miniature-brooch  of  her  husband,  than 
which  no  warrior  ever  had  a  more  effective  shield. 

"  "What  is  this  most  extraordinary  news,"  she  began, 
"that  I  hear  from  the  servants — the  servants,  mark 
you — about  that  foolish,  half-witted  old  body,  Frawlein 
Schmidt?" 

"  What  do  you  mean,  mamma  ?" 

"  That  she  is  regularly  unpacked,  and  calls  this  her 
'  so  beautiful  home.'  Weak  as  you  are,  you  never  can 
have  asked  her  to  stay  here  for  any  length  of  time. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  125 

And  what  duplicity  to  keep  from  me  the  fact  that  she 
was  coming!" 

Mrs.  Ketchum  explained  her  husband's  wishes  and 
views,  and  Mrs.  Vane  burst  out  afresh : 

"  I  never  heard  such  a  mad  idea  in  my  life !  You 
should  really  see  a  doctor  about  your  husband  without 
his  knowledge.  Keep  her  for  life  I  A  creature  that  has 
no  more  claim  upon  him  than  any  other  beggar  in  the 
street !  And  do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  have  given 
in  to  the  arrangement  ?" 

"  Would  you  have  me  oppose  my  husband,  mamma, 
and  anger  him  without  just  cause  ?" 

"  You  have  cause  enough,  I  should  think.  The  mad 
dest  idea !  Pray,  are  there  no  hospitals  or  asylums  in 
America,  that  gentlemen's  houses  are  to  be  turned  into 
such  ?  Assert  yourself,  Mabel, — assert  yourself,  and 
send  the  woman  away  this  very  day  when  Mr.  Ket 
chum  is  gone  to  his  shop,  or  office,  or  whatever  he  calls 
it." 

"  I  cannot,  mamma ;  and  I  would  not  do  anything  so 
wrong,  if  I  could.  How  can  you  wish  me  to  displease 
or  deceive  my  husband  ?" 

"  No  gentleman  would  ask  such  a  thing  of  his  wife." 

"  Mamma !  How  dare  you !  I  will  not  allow — will 
not  tolerate—" 

"  Mabel !  This  to  your  widowed  mother  I  "What 
would  your  dear  papa  say  if  he  could  hear  you  ?"  (point 
ing  impressively  to  her  brooch.) 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  mamma.  I  did  not  mean  to 
speak  rudely  or  forget  the  respect  due  you ;  but  you 
must  not,  you  must  not,  mamma,  say  such  cruel  things 
of  my  dear  husband.  He  is  the  best  of  men,  the  kindest, 

11* 


126  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

the  most  indulgent,  the  most  delicate  in  all  his  dealings 
with  me,  and — forgive  me  for  saying  so — with  y.ou,  and 
with  everybody.  I  brought  husband  nothing,  as  you 
know,  mamma.  I  have  no  right  to  object  to  his  asking 
anybody  that  he  sees  fit  to  his  house  for  as  long  a  time 
as  he  deems  best.  Everything  here  is  his,  to  do  as  he 
pleases  with.  Not  that  he  would  have  Fraulein  here  if 
I  objected.  But  I  don't  object.  I  wish  whatever  he 
wishes.  I  am  quite  willing  to  be  guided  by  him  in 
everything.  And  it  certainly  is  not  a  proper  thing  for 
you  to  object, — you,  to  whom  he  has  been  more  generous 
and  considerate  than  any  English  son  we  have  ever 
known,  you,  whose  every  wish  has  been  consulted,  for 
whom  every  luxury  has  been  provided,  whose  allowance 
is  larger  than  that  of  any  duke's  daughter  at  home,  and 
who  owe  everything  to  the  man-who  you  say  is  not  a 
gentleman.  Not  a  gentleman,  indeed !  Oh,  oh,  oh,  oh, 
mamma !  oh,  oh !" 

Mabel  had  probably  never  spoken  with  anything  like 
the  same  energy  and  boldness  in  her  whole  life ;  but  the 
fire  of  indignant  eloquence  was  soon  quenched  in  tears. 

"  My  poor  head  !"  murmured  Mrs.  Yane,  and  applied 
her  vinaigrette  first  to  one  nostril  and  then  to  the  other ; 
but  her  daughter  was  wounded  to  the  heart  and  was 
wholly  unmoved  by  her  terrific  sufferings.  Indeed,  she 
sobbed  so  violently  as  quite  to  alarm  the  mother,  who 
had  always  seen  her  quiet  and  self-controlled.  •"  My 
dearest  child !  My  own  love !  You  must  not  excite 
yourself  so  about  nothing.  You  must  really  be  calm," 
she  said.  "  I  have  said  nothing  to  put  you  about  so. 
I  don't  deny  that  Mr.  Kctchum  is  a  most  worthy  man, 
at  excellent  man — " 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  127 

"  Go  away,  mamma,  I  beg,  and  leave  me  to  my? elf." 

"  That's  right,  love ;  lie  down  for  a  while  until  you 
are  more  composed.  You  are  getting  as  nervous  as  the 
American  women,  really.  Dawkins  shall  bring  you  a 
cup  of  tea." 

"  I  wish  nothing,  except  to  be  left  alone,"  Mrs.  Ket- 
chum  maintained,  in  a  choked  voice. 

"  What !  Am  I  to  consider  myself  ordered  from  the 
room  ?"  called  out  Mrs.  Vane  tragically.  "  Very  well. 
So  be  it.  I  leave  not  only  this  room,  but  this  house. 
I  am  going  home.  But  remember,  ungrateful,  wicked 
daughter  that  you  are,  you  have  a  child!" 

With  these  mysterious  and  threatening  words  Mrs. 
Vane  stalked  out  of  the  room,  all  offended  majesty, 
unopposed  and  unrecalled. 

Is  it  necessary  to  say  that,  in  spite  of  these  stormy 
passages  between  certain  members  of  the  Ketchum 
household  and  the  distinct  declarations  of  war  and 
choice  of  exile  made  by  both  mothers,  Mrs.  Ketchum 
senior's  "  brother  John"  had  no  demand  made  upon  him 
for  hospitality  or  protection,  and  Mrs.  Vane's  passage  to 
England  was  not  secured  in  any  steamer  whatever  ? 

That  very  night  Mabel  found  a  deeply-affectionate, 
remonstrant,  apologetic  note  from  her  mother  pinned 
to  her  dressing-table.  It  was  a  fad  of  that  lady's  to 
address  numbers  of  such  to  her  about  anything  and 
everything,  although  they  were  under  the  same  roof, 
and  she  was  doubtless  glad  to  have  such  a  topic  to  dis 
cuss  at  length  with  the  fatal  fluency,  the  profusion  of 
adjectives,  the  scarcity  of  ideas,  and  the  utter  absence 
of  punctuation  that  characterized  her  style.  Mabel 
read  the  production  with  a  serious  face,  as  of  one  per- 


128  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

forming  a  disagreeable  duty,  and  it  took  so  long  that 
her  husband  asked  who  her  correspondent  was. 

On  being  told  he  laughed  gleefully,  and,  as  he  kicked 
off  a  boot,  said,  "What  the  mischief  is  she  always 
writing  to  you  for,  when  she  sees  you  all  day  long  and 
can  say  anything  she  wants  to?  Lord,  how  she  must 
love  it  1  It's  my  belief  that  she  makes  pot-hooks  and 
hangers  on  the  slate,  now,  and  sends  them  to  the  young 
one  in  his  cradle ;  and  how  she  is  ever  going  to  recon 
cile  her  mind  to  dying  and  going  out  of  this  world, 
knowing  that  she  can't  write  back  and  tell  all  her  rela 
tions  and  friends  and  acquaintances  what  it's  like  in  the 
other  one,  I  can't  imagine.  I  hope  it  won't  rile  you  for 
me  to  say  so,  but  your  mother's  letters  always  remind 
me  of  old  Peck's  sermons,  Daisy.  I  took  you  to  hear- 
him  once,  in  Tecumseh,  you  remember.  You  never  know 
where  you  are,  and  there  is  no  stop  in  'em.  It's  '  firstly,' 
and '  secondly,'  and '  thirdty,  my  brethren,'  and  '  whereas,' 
and '  moreover,'  and  '  in  this  connection,'  and  '  again,'  and 
'nevertheless,'  and  'now,'  and  'lastly,'  and  'again,'  and 
'  to  sum  up,'  and  '  again,'  and  '  in  conclusion  ;'  and  you 
ain't  done  then  for  twenty  minutes  or  safe  until  you 
hear  the  Doxology.  What's  all  that  about,  anyway  ?" 

Mabel  gave  him  a  moderate  and  medicated  account  of 
the  interview  she  had  had  with  her  mother,  and  he 
listened  with  much  interest. 

"  Why,  my  moth'er  took  off  her  collar  and  let  herself 
loose  to-day  on  the  same  subject,"  he  said ;  "  but  she  saw 
it  was  no  use,  and  knocked  under  this  afternoon,  finding 
that  I  was  bent  and  determined  on  having  Frawlein's 
plank  in  the  platform,  no  matter  who  bolted.  Women 
arc  mortal  queer,  savin'  your  ladyship's  prfisence,  any- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  129 

way.  When  I  was  sowing  enough  wild  oats  for  ten,  ma 
was  as  good  and  kind  to  me  as  if  I  had  been  all  the 
twelve  apostles  instead  of  only  one,  and  that  the  wrong 
one.  She  never  blamed  me  nor  reproached  me ;  she 
didn't  even  sit  up  for  me  and  weep  over  me,  but  just 
loved  me  right  along  through  the  whole  thing  and  waited 
for  me  to  come  to  my  senses.  But  now  that  I  am  a  good 
little  boy,  comparatively,  with  a  pocket  full  of  Sunday- 
school  tickets  from  my  teacher,  she  finds  fault  with 
pretty  nearly  everything  I  do,  it  seems  to  me.  Well, 
now  that  the  fire  is  out  and  the  engines  have  gone 
home,  I  hope  we'll  have  peace ;  but  it  isn't  going  to  bo 
peace  on  any  terms,  I  can  tell  you." 

When  Mabel  awoke  next  morning  she  detected  Daw- 
kins,  her  mother's  maid,  in  the  very -act  of  fastening 
another  note  to  her  pin-cushion, — an  unconditional 
surrender  this  time. 

But  all  the  same  Mr.  Ketchum  had  only  won  one  of 
the  victories  which  are  worse  than  a  defeat.  The  char 
acter  alone  of  the  warfare  was  changed,  and  from  hav 
ing  been  deadly  enemies  the  mothers  became  allies 
welded  together  by  a  common  prejudice,  intent  upon 
defeating  a  common  enemy.  The  new  system  was  so 
subtle,  so  ingenious,  and,  above  all,  so  thoroughly  femi 
nine  that  it  worked  to  a  charm  for  some  time,  under 
Mr.  Ketchum's  very  eye  and  superintendence,  as  it 
were.  Poor  old  Schmidt  was  sent  to  Coventry,  was 
snubbed,  was  beaten  with  many  rods,  all  small  ones, 
was  cuffed  and  collared  morally  twenty  times  a  day,  if 
such  violent  terms  can  apply  to  buffetings  and  assaults 
to  which  she  offered  no  more  resistance  than  if  she  had 
been  the  softest  of  feather  pillows.  She  dearly  loved 


130  OAT  BOTH  SIDES. 

to  go  to  her  room  and  read  her  Jean  Paul  or  Klopstoctc 
or  Goethe  until  some  time  after  midnight,  but,  being 
forbidden  to  do  so,  meekly  extinguished  the  gas  in  her 
room  at  nine  o'clock  and  made  no  complaint.  She  tried 
to  train  some  ivy  that  she  had  brought  with  her  inside 
the  sill  of  her  window,  near  which  she  was  wont  to  sit 
with  her  sewing ;  but  when  the  allies  declared  that  it 
would  inevitably  attract  spiders  and  earwigs,  and  swept 
it  all  away,  she  submitted  without  a  word.  At  table 
the  allies  never  offered  her  anything,  took  her  seat 
whenever  it  suited  their  convenience,  without  apology, 
and  took  great  pains  to  show  her  that  they  considered 
her  conversationally  a  non-combatant  and  socially  an 
inferior.  Of  some  of  these  petty  persecutions  Mabel 
was  ignorant ;  to  others  she  closed  her  eyes  as  the  least 
of  two  evils.  At  last,  one  day,  Mrs.  Vane,  emboldened 
by  what  she  thought  her  son-in-law's  obtuseness,  pushed 
rudely  past  poor  Fraulein  as  they  entered  the  dining- 
room  and  seated  herself  in  that  lady's  chair  at  the 
breakfast-table,  waving  her  hand  to  Fraulein,  and  say 
ing,  "  You  can  go  down  there  somewhere— anywhere." 

Fraulein  obeyed :  she  would  have  sat  under  the  table, 
had  she  been  ordered  to  do  so,  quite  without  remon 
strance. 

Mr.  Ketchum's  eye  followed  her.  "  Isn't  that  Fraw- 
lein's  seat  that  you  have  taken  by  mistake  ?"  he  asked 
of  Mrs.  Yane. 

"Yes;  but  that  don't  matter,"  she  replied.  "She'll 
do  where  she  is." 

"  I  disagree  with  you.  I  must  ask  you  to  take  youi 
own,  and  to  keep  it  in  future,"  he  said,  with  more 
•lignity  than  she  had  ever  seen  in  him. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  131 

"  Don'  move,  I  beg,  I  bray,"  pleaded  Fraulein,  much 
alarmed  by  the  domestic  situation. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  give  a  governess  pre 
cedence  over  me  f"  Mrs.  Vane  indignantly  demanded 
of  her  son-in-law. 

"  Who's  talking  of  precedence,  madam  ?  I  mean  you 
to  be  polite  in  my  house  to  my  guests.  That's  what  I 
mean,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum,  in  a  low,  distinct  voice,  and 
said  no  more. 

Mrs.  Vane  did  not  rage,  did  not  weep,  did  not  quit 
the  table.  She,  to  the  amazement  of  her  ally,  the  con 
sternation  of  Fraulein  Schmidt,  and  the  surprise  of  her 
own  daughter,  said,  "  I  beg  your  pardon.  I  have  been 
rude.  I  am  in  the  wrong,"  and  went  to  her  own  place, 
a  conquered  woman. 

"  Precedence,  indeed !  I'll  see  whether  Frawlein 
Schmidt  is  ever  again  insulted  in  my  house,  as  I  know 
she  has  been  in  more  ways  than  one,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum 
to  his  wife. 

Next  day  when  the  dinner-bell  rang,  what  should  he 
do  but  march  up  to  poor  old  Schmidt,  offer  her  his  arm, 
take  her  in  to  dinner,  put  her  on  his  right  hand,  and 
help  her  first  to  all  that  was  furnished  forth  on  his 
mahogany !  Nor  was  this  a  mere  caprice.  He  made  it 
an  invariable  rule  henceforth,  no  matter  who  Came  to 
the  house,  and  was  neither  to  be  reasoned,  coaxed,  nor 
ridiculed  out  of  it,  to  the  end  of  the  chapter.  It  was 
his  idea  of  precedence ;  and,  although  it  was  not  that 
of  Debrett  or  the  "  Almanach  do  Gotha,"  we  get  more 
than  a  hint  of  it  in  a  much  older  work, — the  Book  of 
Books. 

Fraulein  Schmidt  after  this  enjcyed  all  her  privileges, 


132  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

rights,  and  immunities.  She  had  a  studout-lamp,  for 
one  thing,  and  flowers  in  all  her  windows,  and  a  cat, 
and  a  canary,  and  the  pleasure  of  darning  and  mending 
her  benefactor's  clothes, — the  last  being  a  luxury  that 
she  insisted  on.  Terrified  at  first  to  find  herself  so  con 
spicuously  distinguished  by  Mr.  Ketchum,  she  soon 
grew  accustomed  to  it,  and  dwelt  securely  and  happily 
in  that  best  of  all  asylums,  a  good  man's  home.  As  foi 
the  mothers,  if  they  were  away  when  this  story  opened 
it  was  entirely  due  to  their  wish  to  see  Niagara, — a 
satisfaction  that  Mr.  Ketchum  was  willing  to  give  them, 
if  only  to  mark  his  approbation  of  the  angelic  behavior 
that  followed  and  flowed  from  the  stand  he  had  taken 
about  a  certain  guest. 


II. 


MR.  KETCHUM  was  somewhat  mistaken  in  the  calcula 
tions  he  had  made  as  to  the  probable  time  the  "  Britannia" 
would  take  to  reach  New  York.  That  steamer,  with 
his  friends  and  friends'  friends  on  board,  to  say  nothing 
of  other  passengers  in  whom  he  felt  no  interest,  was 
off  Bedloe's  Island  a  good  ten  hours  earlier  than  he 
had  supposed  possible,  to  the  distraction  of  a  certain 
florist  who  had  been  ordered  by  telegraph  to  send  off 
"  the  finest  basket  of  roses  to  be  had  in  New  York"  by 
the  pilot-boat,  to  greet  the  strangers  before  they  had  so 
much  as  set  foot  on  American  soil.  Interpreting  his  in 
structions  liberally,  this  artist  had  taken  groat  pains  to 


ON -THIS  SIDE  133 

prepare  one  of  the  chefs-d'oeuvre  on  which  he  prided 
himself, — an  enormous  wire  structure  full  of  hot-house 
beauties,  with  a  parasol  of  maiden-hair  and  rose-buds 
suspended  above  it,  the  whole  requiring  the  best  efforts 
of  two  able-bodied  seamen  to  deposit  it  in  the  cabin  of 
the  "  Britannia."  There  it  was  much  admired  by  the  pas 
sengers  while  the  steward  hurried  away  in  search  of  a 
certain  gentleman,  who  presently  came  back  with  him, 
— a  somewhat  elderly,  squarely-built,  stout  man,  with 
iron-gray  side-whiskers,  dressed  in  a  pepper-and-salt 
travelling-suit,  having  a  field-glass  slung  across  his 
ample  chest,  wearing  a  cork  helmet  that  he  removed 
as  he  descended  the  gangway  smoking  a  brier-root  pipe, 
which  disappeared  about  the  same  time  in  one  of  his 
pockets,  and  diffusing  a  genial  air  of  good  feeling  and 
high  living,  breeding,  and  fashion, — in  short,  Sir  Robert 
Heathcote. 

If  this  gentleman  had  in  an  eminent  degree  the  inde 
finable  everything  that  announces  to  the  looker-on,  not 
only  of  Yienna,  but  from  Dan  to  Beersheba,  an  Eng 
lishman,  and  to  a  practised  eye  can  no  more  be  counter 
feited  than  the  flavor  of  oyster  or  olive  to  the  cultivated 
palate,  the  two  young  men  accompanying  him  may  be 
said  to  have  fairly  reeked  of  Bond  Street,  St.  James, 
Kensington  Gardens,  Pall  Mall,  the  G-uards'  Club,  Tatter- 
sail's,  Lord's, — any  and  all  resorts  where  English  men- 
about-town  are  wont  to  congregate.  Both  were  tall, 
both  handsome,  but  the  good  looks  of  Mr.  Heathcote 
(Sir  Robert's  nephew)  were  of  the  dark,  worn,  and  dis 
sipated  order,  while  his  friend  Mr.  Hugh  Ramsay  was  a 
young  Adonis  of  five-and-twenty,  such  as  is  frequently 
to  be  seen  in  London  parks,  of  average  brains  and 

12 


134  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

baroly  respectable  attainments, — a  model  of  manly 
beauty,  simple  and  honorable  in  character,  modestly 
self-reliant  in  manner,  rosy  as  any  girl,  with  a  girl's 
trick  of  blushing,  and  a  voice  which  it  is  no  exaggera 
tion  to  call  delicious, — the  sort  of  man  that  always 
looks  and  seems  about  to  be  charming,  yet  really  says 
little  and  does  less  to  justify  the  fervid  liking  he  is  apt 
to  inspire  in  the  breasts  of  most  women,  and  a  good 
many  men,  almost  at  sight. 

He  approached  the  table  now  and  fell  into  one  of  his 
usual  graceful  attitudes  as  easily  as  a  kitten  or  a  child 
might  have  done,  and,  though  it  would  not  seem  diffi 
cult  of  accomplishment  to  sit  on  the  arm  of  an  easy- 
chair,  holding  a  Scotch  cap  in  the  right  hand,  while  the 
left  arm  describes  a  curve  that  enables  a  shapely  hand 
(well  cared  for  and  adorned  by  a  handsome  cat's-eye 
ring)  to  rest  lightly  on  the  left  hip,  another  man  would 
have  found  it  an  impossible  feat  after  a  month  of  pos 
turing  and  posing,  at  least  so  far  as  achieving  the  same 
result  is  concerned.  Mr.  Eamsay  had  a  great  and  hap 
pily  unconscious  gift  for  attitudes,  and  did  the  simplest 
things  in  an  especial  and  incomparable  manner  of  his 
own.  He  did  not  even  take  a  seat  like  other  men; 
while  his  manner  of  rolling  his  umbrella  or  drawing  on 
his  gloves  had  all  the  effect  of  a  new  idea,  and  seemed 
an  exhibition  as  original  as  it  was  attractive,  not  in  the 
least  a  matter  of  course. 

The  florist  had  disappeared  by  this  time,  but  a  card 
dangled  from  the  handle  of  the  pretty  parasol  which 
said  all  that  was  necessary,  and,  having  examined  it, 
Sir  Eobert  looked  with  some  interest  at  the  flowers,  and 
said,  "  Very  friendly  of  Kotohum,  upon  my  word  I  Very 


ON  THIS  SJDE.  135 

friendly  indeed !  He  is  the  man  I  was  telling  you  of 
this  morning,  Eamsay,  that  lived  out  here, — in  the 
Western  part.  A  very  good  fellow  ;  an  original :  one 
doesn't  meet  his  like  every  day.  In  trade,  of  course, 
but  not  in  the  least  like  our  Brummagem  fellows.  Just 
so !  We  must  have  the  ladies  out  to  see  these/' 

"  The  beggar  must  have  pots  of  money,  to  throw  it 
away  like  this,"  said  Mr.  Eamsay,  half  enviously. 

Looking  around  for  a  servant  to  take  a  message,  Sir 
Eobert  saw  the  unctuous  steward  bearing  down  upon 
him  with  another  large  bouquet,  less  elaborate  than 
Mr.  Ketchum's,  but  also  beautiful. 

"  If  you  please,  sir,  this  has  just  been  left  by  a  per 
son,"  said  the  man,  with  a  fatuous  air  of  personal  grati 
fication. 

Sir  Robert,  without  a  word,  looked  at  the  card  at 
tached,  which  was  glazed  and  had  written  on  it,  in 
fashionable-boarding-school  characters,  "  For  the  ladies 
of  Sir  Eobert  Heathcote  Baronet's  party,"  and  under 
neath,  "  From  Miss  Bijou  Brown." 

"  This  is  from  a  Miss  Brown,  some  friend  of  Ketchum's, 
I  dare  say,"  he  said,  with  an  amused  but  genial  smile. 
"  Very  kind,  I  am  sure.  Let  the  ladies  know  that  I 
wish  to  see  them  here"  (turning  to  the  steward). 

"The  plot  thickens!"  exclaimed  young  Eamsay. 
"  There  will  be  a  third  presently,  for  that  chap  and 
myself"  (nodding  toward  Mr.  Heathcote,  who  was  lean 
ing  languidly  against  the  wall,  an  impassive  witness  of 
what  was  going  on).  "A  lyre,  most  likely.  Do  they 
do  this  sort  of  thing  often  over  here?" 

"  Can't  say,  really,"  replied  Mr.  Heathcote.  "  Never 
baen  here  before.  I  should  like  to  land  at  least  before 


136  O^r  BOTH  SIDES 

setting  myself  up  as  an  authority  on  American  customs, 
though  I  know  a  chap  that  wrote  a  book  about  it  with 
out  ever  leaving  his  rectory  in  Dorset, — not  half  a  bad 
book,  either,  giving  the  Americans  what  they  would 
call  '  particular  all-fired  fits.'  " 

Mr.  H^athcote  said  this  with  the  air  of  a  man  who  is 
being  witty  and  knows  it.  He  considered  himself  an 
authority  on  American  slang,  though  he  had  just  dis 
claimed  any  knowledge  of  American  customs,  and  was 
in  the  habit  of  using  it  a  good  deal  (with  a  certain  ele 
phantine  clumsiness  and  dislocation  of  terms)  at  his 
club,  where  it  met  with  hearty  uncritical  appreciation, 
as  well  as  in  many  drawing-rooms,  where  mothers  with 
marriageable  daughters  were  apt  to  be  convulsed  as  by 
a  second  Talleyrand,  called  him  "  a  clever,  satirical, 
malicious  creature,"  and  told  him  that  he  ought  to  be 
ashamed  to  make  those  poor  Americans  so  ridiculous. 
Mr.  Eamsay  laughed  now,  having  always  had  an  infatu 
ated  admiration  for  what  ho  called  "  Heathcote's  Far- 
Western  expressions,"  and,  having  exhausted  this  sen 
sation,  consulted  his  watch,  saying,  "How  goes  the 
enemy  ?  I  must  toddle.  I've  got  some  things  to  put 
up. — Oh,  I  beg  pardon !" 

This  last  was  addressed  to  a  young  girl  against  whom 
he  had  jostled  in  turning  round, — one  of  the  ladies  of 
his  party,  who  was  closely  followed  by  the  other  two. 

"  What  lovely  nosegays !  Where  did  they  come  from, 
Ethel  dear  ?"  asked  the  eldest  of  the  trip,  the  Honorable 
Augusta  Noel,  an  elderly  gentlewoman  of  charming 
appearance  and  dignified  bearing. 

"  Dear !  dear !  I  had  no  idea  there  were  such  roses 
in  America !"  exclaimed  her  friend  Mrs.  Arundel  Sykes, 


0^   THIS  SIDE.  137 

in  a  deep  chest-voice,  that  reverberated  as  if  it  had 
come  from  a  female  bassoon,  but  was  harsh  in  tone, 
exaggeratedly  English  in  its  inflections,  and  distinctly 
patronizing.  "  How  very  kiawrious  !  And  what  au 
extravagant  profusion !  Whose  are  they  ?" 

"  Yours,  partly,"  said  Sir  Robert,  and  explained  the 
situation. 

"  Most  civil  and  kind  of  them,"  commented  the  Hon 
orable  Augusta.  "  It  is  so  very  pleasant  to  be  welcomed 
like  this  to  a  foreign  country." 

"Yours  were  sent  by  Mabel  Vane's  husband,  you 
say  ?  They  must  have  been  grown  under  glass.  What 
does  the  man  want  of  you?  Depend  upon  it,  he  is 
trying  to  make  something  out  of  you,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes. 

"Not  at  all.  You  quite  mistake  him,"  replied  Sir 
Robert  quickly. 

Mrs.  Sykes  took  up  Miss  Brown's  card  and  inspected 
it :  " '  Miss  Bijou  Brown.'  What  an  extraordinary  com 
bination  !  And  glazed !  And  with  that  '  Baronet,'  too. 
Very  queer  indeed!  And  who  is  Miss  Bijou  Brown 
when  she  is  at  home?  And  why  should  she  be  sending 
us  flowers  ?  I  don't  understand,"  she  said. 

"It  is  simple  enough.  She  is  a  friend  of  the  Ketch- 
ums,  no  doubt,  and,  being  here  in  New  York,  has  sent 
these  out  of  politeness  and  regard  for  them.  There  is 
nothing  remarkable  about  it  that  I  can  see,"  said  Sir 
Robert,  "  except  that  it  is  remarkably  civil." 

"  Oh,  yes,  to  be  sure.  That  is  all  very  well.  Only,  1 
suppose  we  shall  have  to  know  her ;  and  that  may  be 
awkward.  I  don't  wish  to  know  her,  I'm  sure,"  said 
Mrs.  Sykes,  speaking  with  conviction,  and  thinking  of 
the  card.  (Mrs.  Sykes  would  not  have  cared  to  know 

12* 


138  ON  BOTH  SWES. 

Joan  of  Arc  or  St.  Paul  had  either  used  glazed  paste 
board,  at  leabt  until  they  had  received  the  hall-mark  of 
society  in  spite  of  the  awful  fact.)  "  "Well,  well,  we  are 
in  America  now,  and  I  suppose  it  doesn't  matter.  We 
must  expect  everything  in  the  way  of  indiscriminate 
association  in  a  country  where  there  are  no  class 
distinctions." 

"  None  ?  Surely  you  exaggerate,  do  you  not  ?"  asked 
Miss  Noel. 

"  Oh,  not  in  the  least,  I  ashore  you,"  affirmed  Mrs. 
Sykes,  with  warmth.  "  I've  read  Miss  Alcott's  books, 
and  a  lot  of  other  American  works,  and  they  all  tell  the 
same  story.  Not  only  do  the  gentry,  or  what  we  are 
used  to  regard  as  such,  visit  the  tradespeople,  but  if  the 
cook  should  develop  a  talent  for  music,  or  painting,  or 
anything  of  the  kind,  the  family  rejoice  like  the  Biblical 
female  over  the  lost  piece  of  money,  send  her  abroad  to 
cultivate  it  at  their  expense,  and  seem  quite  charmed  to 
have  her  come  home  and  marry  the  son  of  the  house." 

"  Dear  me !  How  very  dreadful !  I  can't  fancy  it  for 
a  moment!  So  very  destructive  of  personal  dignity, 
and  subversive  of  social  order,"  said  Miss  Noel.  "I 
almost  regret  having  brought  Ethel." 

"Pooh!  stuff!  Ethel  is  all  right,"  said  Sir  Eobert. 
"  You  don't  suppose  I  am  going  to  have  Tom,  Dick,  and 
Harry  introduced  to  my  niece !  I  shall  be  the  judge  of 
all  that.  To  be  sure,  it  is  rather  difficult  to  place  them. 
I  have  known  numbers  of  them,  and  the  only  thing  I 
have  learned  is  that,  as  a  general  rule,  it  is  safest  to 
avoid  officials.  They  must  hold  titles  in  republican 
contempt,  to  judge  from  some  of  the  people  they  bestow 
them  upon.  The  most  vulgar  fellow  I  ever  knew  in  all 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  139 

my  life  was  their  minister  to  Karlsbaten,  and  one  of  the 
most  delightful  was  a  man  I  met  out  in  Egypt,  a  most 
accomplished,  clever,  gentlemanly  fellow, — a  dentist. 
Just  so !  But  all  the  same,  depend  upon  it,  they  have 
their  share  of  social  distinctions :  their  society  could  not 
hold  together  otherwise,  and  caste  is  one  of  the  funda 
mental  natural  laws  of  all  society,  whether  it  rests  on 
an  aristocratic,  plutocratic,  bureaucratic,  or  simply 
inherent  foundation.  However,  my  rule  is  to  take 
people  as  I  find  them,  and  among  fifty  millions  of  people 
I  should  think  it  would  be  quite  possible  for  us  to  find 
some  who  are  our  equals,  perhaps  a  few  who  are  even 
our  superiors." 

"  Oh,  really !"  said  Mrs.  Sykes,  in  scornful  dissent, 
and  had  no  time  to  say  more,  for  there  now  came  up  to 
her  certain  fellow-passengers — a  Mrs.  "Washington  Hitch 
cock  and  her  two  daughters — intent  upon  making  their 
adieux  and  final  compliments.  This  was  accomplished 
on  their  part  with  grace  and  warmth,  and  met  with  a 
civil  response  from  the  Horfbrable  Augusta,  a  neutral 
one  from  Ethel  Heathcote,  who,  in  the  face  of  recent 
disclosures,  dared  not  give  expression  to  the  wish  she 
had  formed  to  know  more  of  the  new  acquaintances, 
and  a  distinctly  haughty  and  repressive  one  from  Mrs. 
Sykes,  who  thought  it  one  thing  to  know  people  at  sea 
and  quite  another  thing  to  know  them  on  land. 

Friendliness  with  her  was  a  fluid  condition  of  mind 
and  manner,  adapted  to  ocean  and  watering-place  life, 
but  apt  to  form  into  a  thick  deposit  of  ice  across  which 
she  skated  to  terra  firma  at  the  close  of  a  voyage  or 
season,  leaving  rueful  or  indignant  acquaintances  to 
think  what  they  pleased.  She  now  made  it  so  clear 


140  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

that  she  considered  her  relations  with  the  Hitchcocks 
to  have  been  of  this  temporary  character  that  those 
ladies  bowed  themselves  stiffly  off  the  scene.  Ethel 
hastened  after  the  girls  and  shook  hands  again,  mur 
mured  something  about  the  pleasure  she  had  had 
with  them,  and  "  the  awfully  jolly  voyage,"  and  also 
expressed  a  hope  that  they  might  meet  "  somewhere" 
again,  blushing  a  good  deal  while  she  made  this  atone 
ment,  and  feeling  extremely  uncomfortable. 

Her  aunt  took  Mrs.  Sykes  to  task  as  follows :  "  Surely, 
Georgina,  it  was  not  necessary  for  you  to  be  so — well, 
positive.  I  fear  you  have  given  offence.  And  you 
know  Mrs.  Hitchcock  kindly  gave  up  her  cabin  to  you 
when  she  found-  it  was  making  you  so  ill  to  be  near  the 
screw,  besides  showing  us  other  civilities.  Eeally,  I 
feel  concerned  that  you  should  have  repulsed  her  as  you 
did." 

"  Oh,  never  fear.  That  kind  of  people  who  dress  up 
to  the  nines  and  wear  their  diamonds  when  they  travel, 
are  in  the  habit  of  putting  out  small  attentions  at 
interest  and  quite  used  to  the  cold  shoulder  in  return. 
They  are  accustomed  to  being  sat  upon.  They  like  it, 
expect  it,  thrive  upon  it,  I  assure  you.  It  is  the  only 
way  to  deal  with  them,"  replied  Mrs.  Sykes  coolly.  "  I 
met  two  families  at  Scarborough  last  year  that  I  did 
not  care  to  keep  up  with  afterward,  though  they 
amused  me  at  the  time,  so  I  cut  them  all  dead  in  the 
Park  a  month  ago.  But  they  didn't  mind  it  in  the  least, 
with  the  exception  of  one  daughter,  a  red-haired  dowdy 
of  a  girl  with  whom  I  had  been  rather  intimate  in  a 
way.  She  was  perfectly  furious"  (Mrs.  Sykes  called  it 
'*  fiawrious'  )  ;  "  but  the  others,  on  the  contrary,  bowed 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  141 

most  graciously  to  ine  after  that  at  the  opera,  and  told 
a  friend  of  mine  that  I  was  the  most  delightful  woman 
they  had  ever  met.  I  should  never  have  taken  them 
up  but  that  I  got  the  use  of  a  drawing-room  facing  the 
sea  out  of  them  without  its  costing  me  a  penny,  and  I 
knew  I  could  drop  them  whenever  I  liked.  A  vulgar 
lot,  of  whom  I  am  well  rid." 

"  You — surprise  me,"  said  her  companion,  though 
"  disgust"  would  have  better  expressed  her  meaning. 
"But  the  Hitchcocks  are  not  at  all  vulgar, — a  little 
over-dressed  perhaps,  but  not  more  so  than  a  good  many 
people  in  the  highest  society  at  home.  I  can't  think 
why  they  wear  their  diamonds  in  the  daytime.  It  is 
such  an  extraordinary  thing  to  do." 

Sir  Robert,  who  had  walked  away  at  the  beginning 
of  \he  conversation,  now  came  back  again  to  ask  if 
they  were  quite  ready  to  land,  and  the  two  ladies, 
remembering  a  number  of  last  things  that  required 
their  attention,  retired  to  their  cabins  again,  where 
Mrs.  Sykes's  deep  voice  might  have  been  heard  giving 
explicit  directions  about  her  "darling  Bobo," — a  Dandie 
Dinmont  about  which  she  gave  herself  endless  concern, 
and  for  which  she  felt  apparently  all  the  fondness  that 
the  most  doting  parent  could  lavish  on  a  favorite  child. 
Mrs.  Sykes  had  once  been  a  mother,  but  always  a 
devotee  to  dogs,  and,  when  people  complimented  her 
upon  the  appearance  of  her  little  daughter  during  the 
brief  stay  it  made  in  a  world  of  woe,  she  was  wont  to 
reply,  "  My  baby  is  all  very  well,  of  course"  (tepidly)  ; 
"  but"  (with  enthusiasm)  "  you  should  see  my  dog ! 
He  has  got  no  nose  at  all !" 

Perhaps  it  may  bo  well  to  take  this  opportunity  of 


142  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

saying  that  Mrs.  Sykes  was  a  middle-aged  widow  of 
ample  fortune  and  aristocratic  connections,  who  be 
longed  to  the  genus  lately  and  accurately  defined  as 
"globe-trotter;"  an  aggressively  clever,  well-informed 
woman,  an  insatiably  curious  woman,  who  yet  travelled 
all  over  the  world  that  she  might  enjoy  the  eclat  of 
having  seen  and  done  everything  and  been  everywhere 
rather  than  for  any  pleasure  it  gave  her,  unless  indeed 
it  was  a  pleasure  to  assure  herself  (and  everybody  else) 
that  there  was  "  no  place  like  England ;"  a  woman 
coarse  of  nature,  destitute  of  tact,  and  profoundly  sel 
fish,  who  could  make  herself  very  agreeable  or  perfectly 
insufferable,  just  as  she  saw  fit.  Eeturning  from  Si  am 
three  months  before  Sir  Robert  planned  his  tour  in 
America,  and  hearing  that  he  meant  to  take  with  him 
his  niece  and  nephew  and  their  maternal  aunt,  ;the 
Honorable  Augusta  Noel,  she  skilfully  fastened  herself 
on  the  party,  knowing  from  experience  that  it  was  cer 
tainly  less  expensive  and  might  prove  more  agreeable 
to  travel  in  that  way  than  alone,  and  stating  frankly 
that  she  had  to  do  America, — everybody  was  doing 
America, — and  she  had  best  get  it  over  and  done 
with. 

Another  addition  was  made  to  the  party  later,  in  the 
person  of  Mr.  Hugh  Malcom  Farquharson  Milman 
Ramsay,  the  younger  son  of  a  younger  son,  who,  grow 
ing  tired  of  supporting  this  wealth  of  title  and  its 
possessor  on  the  salary  of  a  Foreign-Office  clerk,  had 
conceived  the  idea  of  making  a  future  for  himself  in 
America,  where,  although  he  knew  nothing  whatever 
of  business  and  had  the  habits  and  tastes  of  a  man  with 
thirty  thousand  a  year  rather  than  eighty,  he  had 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  143 

mapped  out  for  himself  an  abnormally  successful  and 
brilliant  career. 

"  I  give  myself  five  years  in  which  to  make  a  million 
and  come  back  to  England,"  he  said  to  young  Heathcote. 

"  How  are  you  going  to  do  it  ?"  his  friend  inquired. 

"  Oh,  in  mines  and  things,"  explained  the  sanguine 
innocent.  "  You  watch  your  chance  and  put  in  a  little 
capital  out  there,  and  before  you  know  where  you  are 
you  find  yourself  rolling  in  money.  I  have  been  read 
ing  a  lot  about  it  lately.  You  strike  a  vein,  don't  you 
see,  or  a  railroad  comes  along,  and  there  you  are.  Not 
that  I  mean  to  live  in  America,  I  can  tell  you.  When 
high  tide  comes,  I'll  sell  out  and  put  every  shillin'  of  it 
in  the  Bank  of  England,  and  come  home  and  turn  coun 
try  gentleman,  and  marry,  and  all  that." 

In  this  easy  and  agreeable  fashion  did  Mr.  Ramsay 
lay  up  much  wealth  for  himself  in  imagination  and  pre 
pare  to  eat,  drink,  and  be  merry,  not  knowing  what 
would  be  required  of  him  in  the  way  of  knowledge, 
capacity,  and  energy  in  order  to  earn  so  much  as  one 
trade  dollar  making  up  in  piety  the  weight  it  lacks  in 
silver.  Acting  on  this  belief,  he  drew  out  of  the  funds 
his  entire  fortune,  consisting  of  a  thousand  pounds  left 
him  by  a  maiden  aunt,  and  with  immense  eagerness  and 
delight  set  himself  to  take  the  plunge  he  had  determined 
upon, — ordered  fourteen  suits  of  clothes  of  Poole,  bought 
the  newest  and  best  gun,  the  most  ingeniously  jointed 
and  reeled  fishing-rod,  the  most  gorgeous  dressing-case 
to  be  found  in  London,  not  to  mention  equipments  for 
twelve  horses,  a  great  bundle  of  canes  and  umbrellas, 
a  case  of  pistols,  a  travelling-clock,  despatch-boxes, 
Cockle's  pills.  Pears'  soap,  Lubin's  "  White  Rose,"  eau 


144  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

de  Cologne,  and  a  thousand  other  things  suggested  in 
"  Bell's  Life"  by  army-men  who  had  been  stationed  in 
Canada,  by  friends  who  had  "  done  the  States,"  and  by 
the  general  public,  with  something  less  than  fifty  pairs 
of  shoes,  boots,  gaiters,  slippers,  tennis-  and  racquet- 
Oxfords,  and  the  trees  to  keep  them  in  shape ;  all  of 
which  he  regarded  as  essentials  for  the  intending  colo 
nist  which  it  was  unlikely  he  could  procure  in  America 
"  anything  like  so  good,  if  at  all." 

To  purchase  all  these  things  and  have  them  packed 
under  his  own  eye,  to  pick  up  his  rifle  and,  shutting  one 
eye,  aim  at  an  imaginary  buffalo  in  full  gallop,  and  drop 
it  again  with  a  click  of  the  tongue  and  a  radiant  ex 
pression  betokening  sated  ambition  and  intoxicating 
victory,  to  set  up  his  rod  and  give  it  a  dexterous  whirl 
worthy  of  Izaak  Walton,  that  sent  his  fly  into  the  far 
thest  corner  of  the  hall  adjoining  his  bedroom  at  his 
London  lodgings,  and  draw  in  an  enormous  mountain- 
trout  from  California,  to  examine  every  buckle  arid  strap 
of  his  saddle  and  fancy  himself  careering  across  the 
prairies  on  a  wild  mustang  in  pursuit  of  some  sort  of 
game,  was  the  keenest  pleasure  this  enthusiastic  sports 
man  had  ever  known  or  was  likely  to  know.  He  told 
all  his  acquaintances,  with  an  awkward  shamefacedness 
that  betrayed  his  satisfaction,  how  tired  he  had  grown 
of  England,  which  was  always  the  same  old  two-and- 
six,  and  how  he  meant  to  "  cut  it"  and  go  out  to  the 
backwoods  of  America.  He  also  continued  to  buy  this 
or  that  up  to  the  last  moment  and  to  give  the  tradesmen 
very  particular  instructions  about  furnishing  articles 
adapted  to  his  great  purpose.  Altogether  he  contrived 
to  get  a  great  amount  of  satisfaction  out  of  the  journey 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  145 

before  it  began  at  all,  and  when  he  got  on  board  the 
"  Britannia"  was  able  to  boast  with  good  reason  that, 
from  his  tent  and  his  portable  shower-bath  to  his  English 
breakfast-tea  and  a  sovereign's  worth  of  gold-beaters' 
skin,  nothing  had  been  forgotten.  "While  the  others  had 
not  given  individually  such  scope  to  their  desires  or 
taken  such  comprehensive  views  of  the  situation,  all  of 
them  had  brought  about  five  times  more  stuif  than  there 
\vas  any  necessity  for,  unless,  indeed,  they  had  been 
going  into  the  heart  of  Africa  for  an  indefinite  period  ; 
and  the  collective  total  was  so  various  and  extensive 
that  Sir  Robert  felt  called  upon  to  make  some  sort  of 
apology  for  it  to  the  custom-house  authorities  in  New 
York.  Those  officials  were  still  peering  dubiously  at 
the  Ward  case  for  plants  of  Mrs.  Sykes  and  the  com 
plete  photographic  apparatus  of  Mr.  Heathcote,  when 
a  gentleman  came  up  to  Sir  Robert  and  introduced  him 
self  as  Mr.  Brown,  explained  that  he  had  been  asked 
by  his  friend  Mr.  Ketchum  to  make  their  acquaintance, 
shook  hands  formally  with  the  three  men,  bowed  gravely 
to  the  ladies,  and  made  some  polite  inquiries  about  their 
trip.  This  gave  them  time  to  observe  that  Mr.  Brown 
had  an  air  of  spotless-cambric  respectability  and  a 
family-prayers  voice,  was  very  well  and  very  quietly 
dressed,  and  had  a  dignified  cordiality  of  manner  that 
was  admirable. 

"  My  carriage  is  waiting  to  take  you  to  your  hotel," 
he  said,  when  the  last  chalk-mark  had  been  scrawled  on 
the  last  trunk.  "  There  it  is"  (waving  his  hand  toward 
where  a  handsome  carriage  was  standing,  drawn  by  a 
beautiful  pair  of  Kentuckian  thoroughbreds). 

Sir  Robert  looked  inquiringly  at  the  ladies,  and  Mrs. 
Q  k  13 


146  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Sykes,  ever  eager  to  save  a  sixpence,  came  forwarft 
graciously,  saying,  "  We  shall  be  very  pleased  to  avail 
ourselves  of  your  kindness,  I  am  shore. — Miss  Noel  ? 
Ethel  ?" 

Those  ladies  were  close  behind  her,  and  with  Parsons, 
a  prim  elderly  maid  of  indescribable  stoniness.  boni- 
uess,  and  efficiency,  now  followed  Mrs.  Sykes's  lead,  and 
were  assisted  into  the  landau.  Mr.  Brown,  when  they 
had  rolled  away,  told  Sir  Eobert  that  ho  would  call  very 
soon,  pleaded  a  business-engagement,  and  called  a  cab. 
Before  getting  into  it  he  put  his  carriage  at  Sir  Eobert's 
disposal  and  that  of  his  party  during  their  stay  in  New 
York,  without  either  ostentation  or  Orientalism,  in  all 
simplicity  and  sincerity,  and  so  was  driven  rapidly  off 
on  his  own  errands.  The  three  Englishmen  followed 
him  in  another  cab,  and  as  they  peered  out  curiously  at 
the  unfamiliar  streets  through  which  they  were  passing, 
Sir  Robert  said,  "  Mr.  Brown  is  a  man  of  ability,  I  should 
judge.  Fine  head.  Remarkable  frontal  development. 
I  observed  him  with  interest.  I  wonder  if  his  is  the  na 
tional  type.  There  must  be  a  national  type,  you  know. 
Stimson  had  a  paper  in  the  '  Fortnightly'  lately  in  sup 
port  of  his  theory  that  the  Americans  are  rapidly  re 
verting  to,  or  rather  assuming,  the  aboriginal  type, — 
high  cheek-bones,  coarse  hair,  and  so  on ;  but  all  the 
same  I  shall  trust  only  to  the  results  of  personal  obser 
vation  and  maintain  an  independent  judgment  mean 
while.  Yery  curious  and  interesting  speculation,  is  it 
not,  how  far  a  race  can  be  affected  by  climatic  conditions, 
diet,  and  all  that  ?  Attractive  man  Brown,  very.  And 
extremely  civil  of  him,  I  must  say,  to  offer  his  trap  for 
our  use." 


OiV   THIS  SIDE.  147 

"  A  fellow  with  horses  like  those  at  home  would 
hardly  do  as  much  for  his  own  brother,"  replied  Mr. 
Heathcote. 

Arrived  at  the  hotel, — chosen  because  it  was  the 
hotel  of  the  country  and  not  kept  on  the  European  plan, 
—Sir  Eobert  faced  that  great  American  fountain  of 
absolute  authority  and  irresponsible  power,  the  clerk, 
with  the  unconscious  courage  that  animates  a  boy  in 
his  first  battle.  He  did  not  know  the  danger,  and  so 
knew  no  fear,  and  had  no  idea  of  what  he  was  doing, 
when,  after  stating  particularly  that  he  wished  a  room 
with  a  southern  exposure  and  being  assigned  one  with 
a  northern  one, — a  fact  ascertained  by  taking  his  bear 
ings  with  a  pocket  compass  as  soon  as  he  was  installed, 
— he  marched  down-stairs  and  boldly  rebuked  the  gor 
geous  young  man  with  the  solitaire  pin  who  had 
betrayed  his  confidence,  and  who,  paralyzed  perhaps 
by  such  audacity,  forgot  to  either  threaten  or  command, 
but  called  a  servant  and  bade  him  "take  that  there 
lord's  things  up  to  36  from  24,  and  be  quick  about  it, 
too." 

Sir  Robert  had  not  been  long  in  his  new  quarters 
when  a  telegram  was  brought  to  him  from  Mr.  Ketchum, 
which  read  as  follows : 

"  Delighted  to  know  that  you  are  on  the  right  side  of 
the  pond  at  last.  Would  have  run  on  to  meet  you  if  it 
had  been  possible.  String  of  the  latch  on  the  outside, 
remember,  now  and  always." 

The  next  day's  post  brought  letters  also  from  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Ketchum  urging  the  whole  party  to  come  "  right 
out  to  the  West  and  make  Raising  their  head-quarters 
during  their  stay  in  the  country."  At  least,  this  was 


148  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

what  Mr.  Kotchum  wrote.  His  wife  said  that  she 
would  be  very  pleased  to  receive  them  whenever  they 
might  appoint  a  time,  and  suggested  their  taking  a 
"sleeper"  from  New  York,  besides  giving  them  the 
exact  distance  and  a  good  deal  of  information  about 
the  trains. 

Established  at  the  hotel,  the  various  members  of  the 
party  proceeded  to  occupy  or  amuse  themselves  as  best 
suited  their  respective  tastes  and  characters  for  a  fort 
night.  Miss  Noel  went  promptly  to  Trinity  the  first 
afternoon,  to  return  thanks  for  a  safe  voyage,  after  which 
she  came  back  and  rested  quietly  in  her  room.  Mrs. 
Sykes,  who  was  made  of  equal  parts  of  steel  and  whale 
bone  and  did  not  know  the  meaning  of  fatigue,  bought 
a  guide-book  (shop-worn,  at  a  reduction),  and,  accom 
panied  by  Parsons,  tramped  up  and  down  Broadway 
until  tired  of  the  full  pulse  of  trade,  when  she  took 
the  elevated  road  up  town,  honored  with  a  rapid  and 
supercilious  survey  the  Metropolitan  Museum,  asked 
there  what  three  churches  were  considered  best  worth 
seeing  in  the  city,  tramped  to  each  of  them  in  succes 
sion  only  to  give  a  brief  stare  of  detraction,  and  re 
turned  to  the  hotel  satisfied, — at  least  with  herself. 

"  A  narrow,  dirty  street,"  she  reported  of  Broadway ; 
"  but  the  shops  well  supplied,  at  ruinous  prices.  I  met 
the  Hitchcocks.  "Wasn't  it  odd?  And  who  do  you 
suppose  was  walking  with  them,  and  actually  stopping 
at  the  house?  The  Duke  of  Marlshire.  I've  seen  him 
often  at  home,  and  am  not  mistaken.  I  stopped  and 
told  her  we  were  here,  but  she  was  as  haughty  as  Mrs. 
Siddons,  if  you  please.  After  that  I  went  up  to  a  mu 
seum  with  a  lot  of  stuff  in  it  of  one  sort  or  other; 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  149 

there  wasn't  time  to  see  much,  bui  I  got  quite  enough 
of  it ;  and  then  I  did  a  few  churches,  very  tame  and 
uninteresting.  How  did  you  like  Trinity,  which  I 
believe  is  the  crack  church  ?  I  was  told  to  go  there, 
but  didn't." 

Miss  Noel  had  liked  Trinity,  had  thought  "the  ser 
vice  respectably  conducted  and  the  hymn-tunes  pretty," 
and  had  not  found  the  changes  in  the  ritual  as  numer 
ous  or  startling  as  she  had  expected. 

"  Oh,  my  dear,"  Mrs.  Sykes  went  on,  "  what  do  you 
think  that  bouquet  cost  that  Mabel's  husband  sent  Sir 
Robert  ?  I  passed  the  shop  on  Broadway  and  recog 
nized  the  name,  which  was  peculiar,  and  thought  I 
would  just  ask.  Fifty  dollars!  Ten  pounds!  Wan 
there  ever  such  a  senseless  piece  of  ostentation !  And, 
talking  of  flowers,  I  noticed  a  most  curious  Yankee 
fashion  to-day.  In  the  windows  of  a  great  many 
houses  that  I  passed  there  were  huge  bouquets  flattened 
against  the  panes,  so  as  to  be  seen  from  the  street  and 
impress  the  passers-by,  I  suppose.  I  had  never  seen 
such  a  thing,  so  I  stood  stock-still  at  one  place  and 
gazed  rural-fashion,  and  pointed  it  out  to  Parsons  with 
my  umbrella.  And  just  then  a  lady  came  out  of  the 
house,  and  I  said,  '  What's  that  for  ?  Can  you  tell  me  ? 
Why  do  you  make  a  vulgar  show  of  the  flowers  you 
get,  instead  of  keeping  them  about  your  rooms  for  your 
private  enjoyment?'  And,  would  you  believe  it?  the 
rude  ci'eature  walked  off  without  a  word.  American 
manners,  I  suppose." 

In  the  hotel  Mrs.  Sykes  certainly  found  ample  food 
for  her  peculiar  order  of  intelligence,  and  made  almost 
hourly  "  returns,"  in  election  parlance,  of  all  that  was 

13* 


150  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

happening  around  her  to  Miss  Noel,  who,  being  differ 
ently  constituted,  did  not  enjoy  the  same  advantages 
for  observing  the  singular  people  among  whom  she 
found  herself.  "  So  very  odd,"  Mrs.  Sykes  would  say 
in  her  throaty,  strident  tones,  and  laughing  her  guttural 
laugh.  "  There  are  five  women  in  one  of  the  '  parlors,' 
seated  in  five  rocking-chairs,  and  they  have  been  plung 
ing  backwards  and  forwards  without  intermission  for 
the  last  two  hours  like  mad  women,  trying  to  find  some 
vent  for  their  nervousness,  and  not  one  of  them  usefully 
employed.  I  saw  it  myself.  The  door  was  ajar,  and  I 
caught  a  sight  of  three  of  them,  and  I  pushed  it  open 
a  little  to  get  a  better  view,  and  found  two  more  doing 
the  same  thing.  The  woman  I  noticed  at  dinner,  the 
one  in  yellow  satin  and  point-lace  and  diamonds,  of 
course  (as  far  as  I  can  see,  every  other  woman  in  New 
York  wears  a  black  silk  and  solitaire  ear-rings,  even  in 
the  tramway,  but  this  creature's  dress  was  a  satin  mer- 
veilleux  of  the  best  quality), — well,  my  dear,  that  woman, 
arrayed  as  a  duchess  might  be  for  a  garden-party  at  Marl- 
borough  House,  is  the  wife  of  a  draper's  clerk,  and  gets 
herself  up  like  that  everyday  for  a  four-o'clock  dinner 
at  the  tqble-d'hote.  I  expected- to  hear  that  she  was 
some  great  personage, — the  wife  of  a  cabinet  officer,  or 
something  of  the  sort.  A  draper's  clerk  !  Fancy  the 
wife  of  the  floor-walker  at  Whiteley's  or  Marshal  & 
Snelgrove's  going  on  like  that." 

"  Most  likely  a  silly  woman  who  puts  everything  on 
her  back  and  doesn't  know  how  lacking  in  good  taste 
and  good  sense  she  is  not  to  dress  as  becomes  her  sta 
tion  and  lay  by  for  a  rainy  day,"  was  Miss  Noel's  placid 
reply. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  151 

But,  if  these  and  other  things  gave  occasion  for  dis 
approving  or  sarcastic  comment  on  Mrs.  Sykes's  part, 
there  was  at  least  one  other  that  struck  her  in  a  more 
favorable  light.  And  this  was  the  bill  of  fare.  Sh« 
scanned  it  closely  the  first  day,  and  ordered  but  a  mod 
erate  share  of  the  good  things  set  forth,  under  the 
impression  that  she  was  paying  a  certain  sum  for  each 
dish.  But  when  the  steward,  sharply  interrogated  as 
to  the  cost  of  each  viand,  explained  the  system  on 
which  the  hotel  was  managed  and  the  great  fact  dawned 
upon  her  that  she  could  have  anything  and  everything 
on  the  menu  without  its  costing  her  a  penny  more  than 
if  she  were  to  dine  on  pulse  and  water,  a  marked  change 
was  observed  in  the  lady. 

"  That  is  quite  another  thing,"  she  very  truly  said ; 
and  now  it  took  two  experienced  waiters  to  minister  to 
the  widest  range  of  gastronomic  experiment  that  can 
be  imagined.  Always  blessed  with  an  enormous  appetite, 
and  feeling  the  opportunity  a  golden  one,  there  was 
scarcely  a  dish  that  she  did  not  order  at  least  once,  and 
certain  expensive  luxuries  she  was  never  without,  while 
in  the  matter  of  ices  it  must  be  confessed  that  letters 
three  can  alone  describe  her  conduct.  She  studied  the 
bill  of  fare,  if  possible,  more  earnestly  than  ever,  though 
with  a  different  object  in  view,  and  has  got  a  pile  of 
them  now  among  her  papers  somewhere,  mournful  sou 
venirs  of  a  bright  and  beautiful  past  that  will  never 
come  again. 

Sir  Robert  was  likewise  struck  by  this  feature  of 
American  hotel-life. 

"  I  don't  care  for  all  the  glare  and  glitter  of  this  place, 
and  I  can't  see  why  they  should  fetch  me  a  jug  of  iced 


152  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

water  every  time  I  ring  my  bell,  but  I  certainly  like  the 
American  plan  of  paying  a  fixed  sum  for  inn  accommo 
dation  and  no  extras.  The  way  I  have  been  regularly 
fleeced  on  the  Continent  with  bougies  alone  is  really  a 
scandal,"  he  said. 

All  the  party  did  the  regulation  sight-seeing,  but  Mrs. 
Sykcs  went  at  it  with  tireless,  deathless  energy,  and 
kept  Mr.  Brown's  carriage  dashing  over  the  city  morn 
ing,  noon,  and  night.  It  had  been  devoted  to  the  ladies' 
service,  and  Mrs.  Sykes,  who  was  the  sort  of  woman 
whom  the  French  describe  as  maitresse  femme,  took  it 
upon  herself  to  give  all  the  orders  in  connection  with  it, 
and  used  it  so  unsparingly  that  at  last  Miss  Noel,  after 
many  remonstrances  to  which  no  heed  was  paid,  spoke 
to  Sir  Robert  about  it.  He  gave  Mrs.  Sykes  "  the  Eng 
lish  of  the  thing,"  which  was  that  she  had  behaved 
shamefully,  and  that  he  would  not  permit  Mr.  Brown's 
kindness  to  be  so  grossly  abused,  so  that  the  carriage 
was  dismissed  at  the  end  of  five  days,  with  a  handsome 
tip  to  the  coachman  and  a  note  of  apology  and  thanks 
to  his  master. 

Mr.  Eamsay  and  Mr.  Heathcote  had  a  small  adventure 
that  was  amusing  at  the  time  and  became  a  standing 
joke  with  them  in  after-years.  Going  out  to  see  the 
town  on  the  day  of  their  arrival,  they  got  over  a  great 
deal  of  ground,  made  various  sage  reflections  on  what 
they  saw,  and  found  themselves  about  noon  a  long  way 
from  their  hotel  and  decidedly  hungry.  Not  long  after 
making  this  discovery,  they  came  upon  an  inviting- 
looking  French  restaurant  and  agreed  to  have  luncheon 
there.  Both  were  extravagantly  fond  of  oysters,  and, 
after  some  consultation,  called  the  Alsatian  attendant 


(Xtf   THIS  SIDE.  153 

and  ordered  in  good  quatre-ving-sang  French  "sans 
weeters"  being,  as  they  expressed  it,  "  peckish,  uncom 
monly  sharp-set,"  and  feeling  quite  equal  to  the  order. 
They  also  asked  persistently  for  Vale  pale  de  Bass,  think 
ing  thus  to  describe  accurately  their  national  beverage, 
but,  in  spite  of  this  handsome  concession  to  his  nation 
ality,  succeeded  only  in  puzzling  Alphonse  thoroughly. 
Finally  that  genius  had  an  inspiration.  "  Ah  I  c'est  de 
la  biere  /"  he  exclaimed,  and  forthwith  produced  several 
stubby  bottles  with  the  right  trade-mark.  They  asked 
for  "  biscuits,"  but  for  answer  had  a  French  loaf  and 
accompanying  pats  of  butter  furnished  them,  after 
which  Alphonse  disappeared  for  so  long  that  they  were 
about  to  make  violent  demonstrations  of  some  sort, 
when  he  returned,  gravely  bearing  a  huge  tray  contain 
ing  dishes  full  of  enormous  oysters,  and  followed  by 
other  waiters  bearing  other  trays  loaded  in  the  same 
manner.  The  tiny  room  was  quite  blocked  with  them 
finally,  and  the  two  young  men  first  stared  with  all  their 
eyes,  and,  seeing  at  last  the  difference  in  size  between 
the  English  and  American  oyster,  burst  into  a  perfect 
roar  of  laughter,  in  which  they  were  joined  by  Alphonse 
and  his  crew,  who  had  simply  thought  the  order  another 
evidence  of  English  eccentricity. 

I  am  afraid  it  cannot  be  denied  that  both  of  these 
young  men  were  bored  by  the  Astor  Library,  which 
they  visited  next  day;  but  perhaps  it  was  only  that 
they  reserved  their  admiration  for  purely  American  in 
stitutions.  It  is  certain  that  they  went  into  a  bar-room 
of  the  best  class,  and  watched  with  keenest  interest  the 
accomplished  gentleman  who  brewed  two  different  bev 
erages  at  the  same  time,  poured  the  contents  of  one 


154  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

glass  into  another  at  impossible  distances,  and  described 
a  sherry-cobbler  rainbow  behind  his  back  without  spill 
ing  so  much  as  a  drop  in  the  effort.  Moreover,  they 
each  bet  a  half-sovereign  that  they  could  imitate  his 
feats  successfully,  tried  to  do  so,  and  failed.  Being 
asked  to  name  what  they  would  take,  they  chose  two 
concoctions  called  "  Moses's  Milk"  and  "Settler's  Friend," 
which  they  assured  him  were  well-known  American 
drinks,  but  of  which  he  had  never  heard.  They  drowned 
their  defeat  in  a  delicious  preparation  for  which  that 
bar-room  was  noted,  and  then  went  back  to  the  hotel, 
where  they  spent  the  next  hour  drenching  themselves 
with  water  in  a  futile  attempt  to  reproduce  the  rainbow 
that  had  so  fascinated  their  imagination. 

They  had  just  given  up  in  despair  and  joined  the 
ladies  in  the  drawing-room,  when  Miss  Bijou  Brown's 
card  was  brought  in,  and  that  young  lady  followed 
closely  upon  it. 

A  tall,  graceful  girl,  with  what  in  more  poetical  days 
used  to  be  called  "  a  kiss-worthy  face,"  fresh,  bright,  and 
sweet,  eyes  like  two  patches  of  brown  velvet,  but  with 
spikes  in  the  iris,  a  quick,  bird-like  turn  of  the  head,  a 
wave  of  the  gold-brown  hair  wholly  unconnected  with 
pins,  irons,  or  papillotes,  small  feet,  small  hands,  and  a 
rather  thin  voice  as  full  of  light  and  shade  as  the  face 
in  its  varying  inflections, — such  was  the  lady  who,  with 
an  aplomb  that  made  elderly  Miss  Noel  feel  positively 
shy  and  awkward,  came  forward,  made  herself  known 
to  each  member  of  the  party,  and,  dropping  into  a  chair, 
straightway  seized  the  helm  of  conversation,  and  kept 
it  during  her  entire  visit.  With  a  great  flow  of  lan 
guage  and  pleasant  glances  to  the  right  and  left,  Miss 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  155 

Brown  acquitted  herself  of  her  social  devoir  with  a  frank 
naturalness  that  was  not  the  ease  or  simplicit}'  of  the 
highest  breeding,  but  was  very  attractive,  and  with  an 
entire  absence  of  embarrassment  and  constraint  which 
girls  in  other  countries  are  not  apt  to  achieve  at  eighteen. 
Ethel  made  round  eyes  at  her,  as  if  still  in  the  nursery, 
Mrs.  Sykes  listened  to  her  with  an  amused  smile  of 
superiority  and  Miss  Noel  with  one  of  kindly  interest, 
as  she  fluently  explained  that  the  Ketchums  were  her 
next-door  neighbors  in  Raising,  where  she  spent  her 
summers  and  until  recently  had  passed  the  winters  as 
well,  that  she  was  intimate  with  them  and  thought 
Mabel  "  perfectly  lovely,"  and  was  very  happy  to  make 
acquaintance  with  her  friends,  and  so  on. 

"  She  was  not  thought  a  beauty  at  home,"  put  in  Mrs. 
Sykes.  "  Nice-looking,  rather,  but  certainly  not  lovely. 
Still,  over  here  I  suppose  she  would  be  above  the  average. 
I  am  forgetting  that  the  Americans  consider  themselves 
to  have  the  prettiest  women  in  the  world,  though  I  must 
say  that  I  have  not  seen  even  a  moderately  good-looking 
one  since  I  landed." 

At  this  speech  Ethel  colored  with  annoyance,  and 
Mr.  Ramsay  shuffled  his  feet  uneasily ;  but  Miss  Brown 
only  laughed,  and  said,  "  Haven't  you  ?  I  didn't  mean 
that  Mrs.  Ketchum  was  a  beauty.  She  is  such  a  fine 
woman,  though,  we  all  think,  and  is  liked  by  every 
body." 

"  A  fine  woman  you  call  her  ?"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Syket>, 
with  animation.  "  Then  she  must  have  grown  at  least 
a  foot  and  expanded  to  match.  She  used  to  be  rather 
undersized  than  otherwise  :  there  was  never  very  much 
of  her." 


156  ON  BOTH  SIDES 

Miss  Brown  felt  puzzled,  but,  it  being  evident  to  her 
that  they  were  talking  at  cross-purposes,  she  changed 
the  subject  by  saying  that  her  especial  object  in  coming 
that  morning  had  been  to  ask  them  all  to  a  theatre- 
party  she  was  giving  the  same  night. 

"What!  Do  you  hire  a  theatre  and  give  all  your 
friends  an  invite  ?"  demanded  Mrs.  Sykes,  prepared  for 
anything,  in  the  way  of  American  extravagance.  "  What 
is  it  like  ?  What  do  you  do  ?  Is  it  one  of  your  favorite 
amusements  here  ?  I  never  heard  of  one  before,  but 
can  guess  a  little  what  it  is  like." 

"  There  wouldn't  be  many  of  them  if  we  had  to  go 
to  all  that  expense,"  replied  Miss  Brown,  answering  one 
of  these  questions.  "  Oh,  no !  we  all  go  to  the  theatre 
together  and  have  a  little  supper  at  Delmonico's  after 
ward,  that  is  all ;  but  we  think  it  a  pleasant  way  of 
entertaining  our  friends." 

"And  how  are  we  expected  to  get  there?"  asked 
Mrs.  Sykes',  ruthlessly  rubbing  the  bloom  off  an  intended 
courtesy.  It  was  not  only  that  she  was  utterly  desti 
tute  of  tact,  but  that,  possessing  it,  she  would  have 
thought  it  much  too  expensive  a  luxury  to  indulge  in, 
when  there  was  a  question  of  her  being,  as  she  after 
ward  said  to  Miss  Noel,  "  let  in  for  the  hire  of  a  cab 
both  ways." 

"  Don't  bother  about  that.  Popper  will  send  for  you , 
and  you  had  better  have  an  early  dinner,  perhaps,  for  it 
is  Salvini,  and  he's  perfectly  splendid !"  replied  Miss 
Brown,  rising  to  go.  "  There  will  be  another  English 
man  in  the  party,"  she  added,  and  looked  brightly 
around ;  but,  if  her  new  acquaintances  felt  this  to  be  a 
gratifying  piece  of  intelligence,  they  all  concealed  it 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  .  157 

under  aspects  of  varying  stolidity  and  unexpressed  dis 
approval,  and  she  got  no  reply  but  "Oh,  really!"  from 
Mrs.  Sykes,  which  expressed  a  good  deal,  if  she  had 
only  understood  it. 

"  I  asked  him  on  purpose,  thinking  it  would  be  so 
pleasant  for  you  to  meet,  and  that  it  would  be  nice  for 
Miss  Ethel  to  have  somebody  from  her  own  country  to 
talk  to  and  flirt  with,"  she  went  on.  "  He's  a  lovely 
little  man.  The  girls  here  are  all  wild  about  him." 

"  You  are  very  kind,  my  dear,  and  we  shall  be  pleased 
to  go  with  you,"  said  Miss  Noel,  "  but  you  mustn't  be 
putting  ideas  into  my  Ethel's  head." 

"  Goodness  gracious  alive !  Has  she  had  to  come  all 
the  way  to  America  to  get  that  idea,  at  her  age  ?"  in 
quired  Miss  Brown,  with  her  merriest  laugh. 

"What  is  my  age?"  asked  Ethel,  smiling,  and  ad 
dressing  the  visitor  for  the  first  time. 

"  I  can't  tell  a  bit.  You  are  as  fresh  as  though  you 
were  fifteen,  and  as  grave  as  though  you  were  fifty,  at 
least  when  your  aunt  is  around,"  was  Miss  Brown's 
audacious  reply,  at  which  the  two  girls  looked  at  each 
other  and  laughed,  and,  with  the  Free-Masonry  of  their 
age  and  sex,  decided  on  the  spot  to  be  friends.  So  much 
good  nature  and  friendliness  had  not  been  thrown  away 
upon  Ethel,  though  she  had  only  rewarded  it  with 
monosyllables.  Miss  Noel  now  thanked  Bijou  for  the 
flowers  sent  on  shipboard,  and,  after  more  ladies'  last 
words,  the  pretty  visitor  was  gallantly  escorted  down 
stairs  and  put  into  her  carriage  by  Mr.  Ramsay. 

She  had  hardly  driven  off  when  an  old  friend  of  Sir 
Robert's  and  flame  of  his  nephew's — Mrs.  De  "Witt,  nee 
Jenny  Meredith — came  to  call.  Sir  Robert,  who  had 

14 


158  OAT  BOTH  SIDES. 

been  writing  letters  previously  in  strict  seclusion,  was 
addressing  a  note  to  "  The  Lord  Bishop  of  Maryland" 
when  this  interruption  came.  Down  dropped  the  pen 
instantly,  and  he  was  soon  shaking  Mrs.  De  Witt's 
hands  with  an  enthusiasm  and  heartiness  he  did  not 
often  exhibit.  Mr.  Heathcote  slipped  in  a  few  phrases 
somewhere  among  his  uncle's  fluent  greetings,  and  then 
retired  to  the  fireplace,  from  which  he  blushingly  and 
pensively  regarded  his  lost  love  during  the  remaindei 
of  her  stay,  paying  small  attention  to  Sir  Robert's 
"  God  bless  my  souls,"  his  assurances  of  his  delight  at 
meeting  her  again,  his  inquiries  for  mutual  friends  and 
protestations  that  she  was  handsomer  than  ever,  but 
hearing  clearly  every  word  of  her  clever  and  gracious 
replies,  and  acknowledging  to  himself  that  she  was,  if 
anything,  more  charming  than  in  the  old  Cheltenham 
days. 

"  Ass  that  I  was  ever  to  have  thought  that  I  could 
confer  any  distinction  on  that  woman  by  asking  her  to 
be  my  wife,"  he  thought.  "  She  would  grace  a  throne ; 
and  but  for  my  confounded  conceit  she  might  have 
married  me.  That  disgusted  her  utterly,  and  no  won 
der!"  It  will  be  seen  from  this  that  time  and  dis 
appointment  had  had  a  wholesome  effect  upon  Mr. 
Heathcote's  character  and  given  him  a  much  more 
modest  opinion  of  himself  than  he  had  once  enter 
tained  ;  but  he  was  mistaken  in  his  conclusion,  for 
Jenny  Meredith  had  been  attached  to  Colonel  De  Witt 
for  two  years  before  she  went  to  England,  and  had 
engaged  herself  to  him  the  day  she  sailed.  Sir  Eobert 
had  thought  that  Mrs.  De  Witt  was  in  California,  and 
it  appeared  that  she  had  only  very  recently  come  to 


OAT  THIS  SIDE.  159 

New  York,  and  had,  through  his  banker,  accidentally 
learned  of  his  arrival  and  that  of  his  relatives. 

"We  have  the  tiniest  little  house  that  ever  was,  near 
Babylon,  Long  Island,"  she  said,  "  and,  like  Mrs.  Ske^r- 
ton,  I  always  sleep  with  my  head  in  the  parlor  and  my 
feet  in  the  kitchen.  But  it  is  a  great  saving  in  house 
maids,  and  I  am  by  no  means  the  most  miserable  of  my 
sex.  You  must  come  out  and  see  the  '  nut-shell,'  as  we 
call  it.  Name  a  day  when  you  can  come  and  take  a 
high  tea  with  me.  With  paupers  like  us  on  mange,  mais 
on  ne  dine  pas." 

"  Babylon  did  you  say  ?  Did  I  understand  you  to  say 
that  you  lived  at  a  place  called  Babylon  ?"  quoth  Mrs. 
Sykes.  "  How  very  extraordinary !" 

"  Yes ;  but,  you  see,  I  am  a  woman  of  nerve,  and  my 
husband  a  soldier  by  profession.  And  there  are  worse 
places.  We  have  tried  Versailles,  Kentucky,  and  Whis 
key  City  in  the  West,  and  it  is  a  distinct  improvement 
on  both  places,  I  assure  you,"  said  Mrs.  De  Witt,  laugh 
ing,  and  so  took  her  leave,  having  made  herself  so 
agreeable  that  even  the  "globe-trotter"  had  something 
amiable  to  say  of  her. 

"  Keally,  quite  a  charming  person,  and  not  bad-loot 
ing.  But  she  can't  be  so  frightfully  poor  as  all  that. 
Her  lace  was  lovely,  and  real,  I  know,  for  I  came  up 
behind  her-  while  she  was  bidding  Ethel  good-by  and 
felt  it,"  was  her  characteristic  comment.  "I  am  glad 
we  are  asked  to  drink  tea  with  her.  She  said  her  hus 
band  had  some  photographs  of  those  curious  cliff-cities 
of  the  Mexican  Americans  in  Anazona,  or  whatever  it 
is,  and  I  mean  to  get  a  couple  out  of  him  for  my  diary 
if  I  can." 


160  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Mrs.  Sykes  and  Sir  Eobert  both  kept  diaries,  hers 
being  an  illustrated  one,  and  forming  part  of  a  series 
which  she  had  kept  in  all  the  countries  where  she  had 
Ravelled, — very  entertaining  reading,  and  made  more 
attractive  by  her  really  admirable  sketches,  supple 
mented  by  photographs. 

In  spite  of  Miss  Brown's  suggestion  about  an  early 
dinner,  it  was  rather  late  when  the  party  from  the 
hotel  presented  themselves  in  her  father's  box,  where 
she  was  seated  awaiting  them,  looking  her  prettiest 
and  as  if  clad  in  white  samite,  an  immense  bouquet  on 
the  railing  in  front  of  her,  and  a  crimson  sortie  de  bal 
thrown  over  the  back  of  her  chair. 

She  received  them  quietly,  assigned  them  their  seats, 
and  introduced  them  to  the  two  other  guests  present, — 
Mrs.  Conway,  a  gorgeous  matron  in  blue  velvet,  stout 
and  stupid,  and  the  Englishman  of  whom  she  had 
spoken.  Bows  were  exchanged  between  the  opposite 
sexes.  Sir  Robert  and  Mr.  Heathcote  met  their  coun 
tryman  with  the  affectionate  effusiveness  for  which 
Britons  are*  noted ;  that  is,  they  gave  him  a  haughty 
stare  and  then  shook  hands  with  him  limply  and  ignored 
him  utterly.  In  the  confusion  attendant  upon  getting 
seated,  no  one  noticed  a  little  scene  that  took  place  in 
the  back  of  the  box  between  Mr.  Ramsay  and  Mr. 
Drummond  of  London,  as  the  stranger  was  called  by 
Miss  Brown  when  she  presented  him  to  the  others. 

"  What  the  deuce  are  you  doing  over  here  ?"  demanded 
Mr.  Ramsay,  by  way  of  greeting. 

"  I  don't  see  that  it  is  any  business  of  yours,"  replied 
Mr.  Drummond  coolly,  returning  with  interest  the  scowl 
he  had  received. 


OiV  THIS  SIDE.  161 

''  Oh !  all  right !"  said  Mr.  Eamsay,  and  took  a  seat 
as  far  from  him  as  possible  and  proceeded  to  look  as 
disdainful  and  as  thoroughly  out  of  humor  as  a  man 
very  well  could  for  some  time, — indeed,  until  Miss 
Brown  diverted  his  thoughts  into  more  agreeable  chan 
nels.  Even  this  adoucissement  did  not  last  long,  for 
when  that  young  lady  in  her  capacity  of  hostess  turned 
round  and  addressed  various  pleasant  remarks  to  Mr. 
Drummond,  Mr.  Eamsay  straightway  relapsed  into  his 
former  mood,  and,  not  being  an  adept  at  concealing  his 
feelings,  was  either  offensively  silent  or  disagreeably 
curt  of  speech  the  whole  evening. 

While  Mr.  Eamsay,  like  a  grown-up  school-boy,  was 
giving  vent  to  his  disgust  with  the  incurable  honesty 
and  constitutional  incapacity  for  sophistication  which 
causes  Englishmen  of  his  type  to  be  liked  and  trusted 
or  disliked  and  ridiculed  according  to  the  mental  habits 
and  moral  bias  of  the  people  with  whom  they  are 
thrown,  another  member  of  the  party  was  in  a  state 
of  mind  that  precluded  the  possibility  of  enjoying  Sal- 
vini's  performance,  though  her  discontent  arose  from  a 
much  more  trivial  cause.  This  was  Ethel  Heathcote, 
who  had  been  placed  in  a  front  seat,  under  the  full  glare 
of  a  chandelier  as  well  as  in  full  view  of  the  audience, 
and,  owing  to  having  been  hurried  off  by  an  imperative 
uncle,  had  forgotten  to  bring  her  gloves.  Now,  Ethel, 
like  many  English  girls,  was  afflicted  with  hands  that 
had  an  awful  trick  of  turning  red, — yea,  like  unto  the 
lobster, — and  had  given  much  time  and  the  most  anx 
ious  thoughts  to  curing  this  defect,  but  so  far  with  no 
result  but  that  of  aggravating  the  unfortunate  peculi 
arity.  Not  only  did  the  hands  appear  to  grow  uglier 
/  14* 


162  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

every  day  under  cosmetic  treatment,  but  the  objection 
able  rose-flush  mounted  slowly  but  surely  to  her  very 
elbows,  and  made  her  wretched.  She  was  sitting  tugging 
furtively  at  her  uncompromisingly  short  elbow-sleeves, 
with  tears  of  vexation  in  her  pretty  blue  eyes,  when 
Bijou  noticed  the  movement  and  asked  what  was 
wrong. 

"  Oh,  dear,  it  is  so  tiresome !  Do  \et  me  hide  myself 
somewhere.  I  came  off  without  my  gloves,  and  only 
see  these  awful  hands  of  mine  !  Scarlet !  Positively 
scarlet!"  murmured  Ethel,  in  a  distressed  whisper. 
"  Dear,  dear !  what  shall  I  do  with  them  ?"  she  added, 
pulling  a  fold  of  her  overskirt  over  the  objectionable 
members. 

"  Wait  a  minute.  They  are  not  so  bad  at  all.  You 
only  think  so  because  they  are  yours.  Hold  on,  and 
I'll  look  in  my  coat-pocket  and  see.  I  think  I've  got  a 
pair  there  that  will  fit  you,"  whispered  Bijou  back 
again,  consolingly.  Accordingly,  Miss  Brown  looked, 
found  no  gloves,  put  her  head  out  of  the  door,  spoke  to 
an  usher  whom  she  found  there,  and  returned  to  her 
seat.  Five  minutes  later  there  was  a  knock  at  the  door, 
which  Ethel  did  not  hear,  owing  to  her  interest  in 
Desdemona.  An  envelope  was  handed  to  Bijou,  which, 
when  unobserved,  she  quietly  tore  off,  and,  going  back 
to  Ethel,  slipped  into  her  hand  a  pair  of  eight-buttoned 
gants  de  Suede.  The  relief  of  Sebastopol  was  nothing 
compared  to  Ethel's  as  she  breathed  out  a  fervent 
"  Thank  you  very  much  indeed  ;  but  a  fresh  pair?"  and 
hastily  drew  them  on.  It  may  not  be  out  of  place  to 
mention  that  Bijou  got  another  pair  next  day,  with  an 
ftminently  lady-like  note  stating,  in  Ethel's  bold  hand 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  163 

but  rather  weak  style,  "that  some  girls  would  have 
been  rathei  glad  to  see  another  placed  at  a  disadvan 
tage,  and  other  girls  would  not  at  all  have  cared  how 
other  girls  appeared  ;"  also  that  "  one  would  not  so 
much  have  minded  how  one  was  dressed  in  one's  own 
country,  but  that  one  did  not  like  to  make  one's  self 
ridiculous  in  the  eyes  of  foreigners,"  as  well  as  that 
the  writer  was  hers  affectionately,  "  Ethel  Maude 
Ileathcote,"  from  which  it  will  be  seen  that  if  Miss 
Brown  did  a  little  kindness  she  was  certainly  paid  for 
•>t  in  the  right  kind  of  coin.  Rich  as  Mrs.  Sykes  was, 
perhaps  she  was  bankrupt  in  this  particular,  for,  having 
occasion  to  borrow  Bijou's  exquisite  fan  during  the 
evening,  she  kept  and  used  it  during  her  whole  stay  in 
New  York,  and  finally  sent  it  home,  a  good  deal  the 
worse  for  wear,  wrapped  up  in  a  fragment  of  news 
paper,  without  a  line  of  acknowledgment,  by  Parsons, 
who  for  very  shame  invented  a  civil  message  on  her 
own  responsibility.  But  for  these  episodes,  the  evening 
passed  very  much  like  others  of  its  kind.  Mrs.  Sykes 
talked  a  little  in  a  patronizing  way  to  Mrs.  Conway, 
put  the  usual  number  of  questions,  swept  the  audience 
from  side  to  side  again  and  again  with  her  lorgnon, 
and  gave  such  attention  to  the  great  artist  who  was 
playing  as  she  had  to  spare.  Sir  Robert  and  Mr.  Brown 
talked  incessantly  between  the  acts,  and  intermittently 
during  the  performance.  The  girls  were  vaguely  moved 
by  it,  and  Mr.  Ramsay  at  certain  points  very  much  so ; 
as,  for  instance,  when  Othello  springs  like  a  tiger  upon 
the  crouching  lago.  "If  I  had  that  chap  I'd  break 
every  bone  in  his  rascally  skin !  What  does  he  let  him 
off  for  like  that?''  he  askel,  with  sparkling  eyes. 


164  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

When  they  had  all  helped  to  murder  a  most  lovely 
and  unfortunate  lady,  and  the  curtain  had  fallen  and 
Salvini  had  committed  the  unpardonable  sin  of  appear 
ing  before  it,  they  went  off  to  Delmonico's  and  had  a 
delightful  little  supper,  at  which  Mr.  Ramsay  continued 
pointedly  to  ignore  the  existence  of  Mr.  Drummond, 
and  Miss  Brown  was  always  casting  herself  d  la  Quin- 
tus  Curtius  into  the  gulf  that  separated  them ;  and  so 
the  affair  ended. 

When  Miss  Brown  got  home  that  night  she  felt  an 
unaccountable  sense  of  disappointment  in  thinking  over 
the  events  of  the  evening.  "  He's  the  handsomest  and 
the  '  swellest'  fellow,  as  they  say  here,  that  I  ever  saw, 
but  I  am  afraid  he  has  got  an  awful  temper,"  was  one 
conclusion  that  she  jumped  to. 

Driving  back  to  the  hotel  in  their  cab,  Mr.  Ramsay 
said  to  Mr.  Heathcote  suddenly,  "  Who  do  you  think 
that  chap  was  that  they  had  there?  That  was  my 
cousin,  Arthur  Plummer." 

There  seemed  to  be  a  voluminous  biography  in  the 
bare  statement. 

"  The  deuce  it  was !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Heathcote.  "  I 
thought  there  was  something  familiar  about  his  face, 
but  I  haven't  seen  him  since  we  were  at  Eton  together. 
I  thought  he  had  been  transported  or  hanged  long 
since." 

"And  so  he  would  have  been,  if  he  had  got  his 
deserts,"  rejoined  Mr.  Ramsay.  "  They  haven't  heard 
of  him  at  home  for  years.  I  was  never  so  astonished 
in  all  my  life  as  when  he  showed  up  on  this  side.  I 
wonder  where  he  got  the  money  to  come  ?  If  it  hadn't 
been  for  the  women  and  all  that,  I'd  have  kicked  him 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  165 

out  of  that,  pretty  quick.  He  isn't  fit  to  sit  in  the 
same  theatre  with  them.  If  he  thinks  I  am  not  going 
to  tell  of  him,  he  is  vastly  mistaken,  that's  all.  I  shall 
go  to  Mr.  Brown  the  first  thing  in  the  morning  and 
expose  him.  Hang  it  all !  To  think  of  his  turning  up 
over  here  now !" 

Mr.  Brown  was  out  of  town  when  Mr.  Eamsay  called 
next  day  at  his  house,  but  was  expected  back  in  a  few 
days,  the  servant  said,  so  that,  after  spending  several 
minutes  in  trying  to  decide  whether  he  would  ask  for 
the  daughter  and  pour  into  her  ear  the  particularly 
plain  and  entirely  unvarnished  tale  he  had  come  to  tell, 
his  shyness  got  the  better  of  him,  and  he  left  cards 
instead.  These  being  promptly  taken  up  to  Miss  Brown, 
that  young  lady  exclaimed,  "  Too  bad!"  and  darted  to 
the  window  to  get  a  glimpse  of  the  retreating  visitor, 
after  which  she  inspected  the  cards  again  with  an 
interest  hardly  justified  by  the  narrow  strips  of  paste 
board  on  which  was  inscribed,  in  plain  text,  "  Mr.  Ram 
say,  of  Ferneyhaugh,"  and,  in  pencil,  "  Ninth  Avenue 
Hotel." 


III. 


"LAY  out  my  red  satin  gown,  Parsons,"  said  Mrs. 
Sykes  to  Miss  Noel's  maid,  when  the  time  came  to  dress 
for  the  De  Witts'  entertainment.  "  It  is  nearly  gone 
now,  to  be  sure,  after  three  seasons'  wear ;  but  it  will 
do  nicely  for  America." 

•"And  what  shall  I  do  about  the  spots  all  down  the 


1(}6  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

front,  mem  ?"  inquired  Parsons.  "  And  the  bottom 
flounce  do  look  'opeless;  there's  nothink  to  bo  done 
with  it,  as  I  can  see." 

Parsons's  services  had  been  "  occasionally"  proffered 
to  Mrs.  Sykes  by  her  mistress,  and  she  was  already 
tired  of  the  endless  demands  made  upon  her. 

"  Oh,  all  that  will  not  be  noticed.  It  really  doesn't 
matter  over  here.  It  will  answer  quite  well  as  it  is,  I 
am  sure,  for  this  kind  of  thing,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes, 
serenely  convinced  that  any  dress  of  hers  was  good 
enough  to  grace  an  American  entertainment  given  by 
people  who  confessed  themselves  poor  and  who  lived 
near  Babylon,  Long  Island. 

Parsons  did  what  she  could  to  furbish  up  the  dis 
gracefully-shabby  robe  in  question  (with  an  eye  tc 
future  perquisites,  it  must  be  confessed),  but  it  remained 
a  piece  of  tawdry  finery,  and  a  very  unbecoming  one 
besides,  for  the  day  was  warm,  and  it  imparted  an  ad 
ditional  flush  to  a  face  already  as  highly  colored  as  a 
chromo, — vivid  blue  as  to  the  eyes,  almost  magenta  as 
to  the  cheeks,  auburn-haired,  and  boasting  an  array  of 
very  white,  large  teeth. 

But  if  nature  had  added  to  these  tints  prominent 
features  and  a  chin  which,  as  the  one  retiring  thing 
about  Mrs.  Sykes,  surely  needs  no  apology,  she  had 
given  her  one  of  those  beautiful  figures  which  she 
seems  to  reserve  especially  for  her  ugliest  daughters, 
and  fortune  had  added  other  figures  which  are  thought 
by  some  persons  to  be  much  more  satisfactory  in  the 
long  run.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  tall,  perfectly  proportioned, 
graceful,  and  occasionally  dressed  as  well  as  any  French 
woman. 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  167 

"  Americans  have  a  silly  idea  that  all  Englishwomen 
are  frumps,  and  I'll  take  one  box  of  my  French  things 
to  show  them  that  they  are  not  the  only  women  in  the 
world  who  know  how  to  dress;  hut  that  will  be  for 
great  occasions,  should  there  be  such  by  any  chance. 
I  don't  mean  to  waste  my  best  things  on  them,  as  a 
rule.  I'll  go  in  for  '  republican  simplicity,' "  she  had 
laid  on  leaving  London. 

It  will  be  seen,  then,  that  if  she  wore  her  oldest  gown 
to  the  De  Witts'  it  was  from  insolence,  and  not  in  the 
least  from  indigence;  and  she  saw  her  mistake  when 
she  got  there,  and  repented  in  satin  instead  of  sack 
cloth. 

Nor  was  she  better  satisfied  with  the  toilets  of  her 
companions.  Miss  Noel  came  down  in  a  rick  silk,  cut 
in  a  wonderful  way,  the  skirt  much  longer  in  front 
than  at  the  back,  most  eccentrically  looped  in  a  series 
of  little  pleats  set  very  far  apart  on  the  sides,  long  and 
plain  in  the  bodice,  and  enlivened  about  the  neck  with 
a  wide  fall  of  cotton  lace,  and  no  less  than  five  neck 
laces,  graduated  from  a  velvet  band  and  brooch  about 
the  throat  to  a  long  string  of  lapis-lazuli  beads  that  fell 
almost  to  the  waist.  But  all  the  same  she  looked  the 
handsome  and  refined  old  gentlewoman  that  she  was, 
and  kept  the  Chesterfieldian  "ton  de  la  parfaitement 
bonne  compagnie"  in  a  costume  that  would  have  vulgar 
ized  many  women  of  great  pretensions  to  gentility. 
As  for  Ethel,  she  was  got  up  as  only  an  English  girl  of 
the  provincial  type  ever  could  be. 

"  The  two  of  you  are  bad  advertisements  for  Par 
sons,"  observed  Mrs.  Sykes,  with  her  usual  unbridled 
frankness,  when  she  saw  them.  "  Not  that  it  matters 


168  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

very  much.  Miss  Noel  must  be  past  caring  for  such 
things,  and  you  are  a  good  little  thing,  Ethel,  but  you 
are  one  of  the  girls  that  no  man  would  ever  look  at 
twice.  But,  really,  to  put  you  in  a  short  black  slip 
and  a  trained  overdress  of  tarlatan  and  a  beaded  cash 
mere  jacket  is  too  bad  of  Parsons.  I'had  not  thought 
it  of  her.  To  be  sure,  she  is  country-bred,  and  has 
only  had  the  annual  hunt  ball  to  provide  for,  but  still 
she  must  see  that  you  are  a  couple  of  guys." 

"  You  are  extremely  uncivil,  and  I  don't  agree  with 
you  at  all,"  said  Miss  Noel.  "  This  is  a  good,  service 
able  gown,  that  I  expect  to  last  me  for  years,  and  all 
done  over  quite  recently ;  it  can't  have  been  three  years 
since  it  was  turned  upside  down  and  inside  out  and  all 
this  lace  put  on.  What  is  the  matter  with  it  ?  As  to 
dear  Ethel,  she  looks  as  nice  as  possible,  I  think.  She 
wore  that  very  frock  to  an  archery  meeting  at  the 
castle  before  we  left,  and  the  countess  asked  to  be 
allowed  to  take  off  the  pattern  of  her  josie,  saying 
that  she  had  not  seen  anything  like  it  before." 

"  That  I  can  well  believe,"  replied  Mrs.  Sykes  coolly. 
"  She  never  will,  out  of  the  provinces.  I  always  think 
when  I  go  down  there  that  it  is  easy  to  see  what  be 
came  of  the  three  thousand  dresses  that  Queen  Eliza 
beth  left  behind  her.  They  drifted  into  the  remote 
counties,  where  the  women  have  been  making  them 
over  once  in  fifty  years  ever  since.  No,  no.  If  Ethel 
is  to  make  anything  of  a  figure  in  the  world,  or  hook 
BO  much  as  a  fifty-pound  curate,  she  will  have  to  get  a 
London  maid, — a  French  one  she  can't  afford.  A  girl 
with  no  beauty  and  no  money  must  have  clothes.  Thank 
heaven !  I  shall  never  have  any  daughters  to  marry 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  169 

oft'.  When  I  think  of  my  four  sisters  out  season  after 
season  husband-hunting,  and  the  youngest  a  good  thirty- 
three,  I  feel  that  I  can't  be  too  thankful  that  I  married 
when  I  did.  Excuse  my  speaking  so  plainly  about  your 
dress,  but  I  never  could  see  the  good  of  mincing  mat 
ters;  and  you'd  better  act  on  it  as  soon  as  you  get 
home,  and  not  wait  until  Ethel  begins  to  go  off,  when 
it  may  be  too  late." 

Poor  Ethel,  who  had  come  down-stairs  with  an 
agreeable  consciousness  of  being  well  dressed,  was 
much  disturbed  by  these  comments.  Nor  was  she 
reassured  by  her  brother,  who  presently  camo  in. 

"What  is  the  matter  with  you,  Ethel?"  he  said. 
"  There  is  something  wrong  with  you,  but  I  can't  tell 
what  it  is.  You  seem  to  wear  the  same  things  that 
these  American  women  do,  but  you  don't  look  as  they 
do.  You  can't  know  how  to  put  them  on.  It  can't  be 
the  thing  to  see  a  yard  of  carpet  between  your  gingham 
petticoat — " 

"It  is  a  silk  slip,  and  was  five-and-six  a  yard,  I'm 
sure,"  Ethel  put  in  ruefully. 

"Well,  silk,  then — and  that  frazzled  Darwin  thai 
goes  over  it  of  muslin." 

"  Tarlatan,  dear." 

"  Well,  tarlatan,  if  that's  the  name  of  the  stuft. 
Hang  it!  all  I  know  is  that  you  are  a  regular  scare 
crow  in  it — " 

"  Oh,  Arthur !" 

"And  a  pretty  laughing-stock  you'll  be  to  these 
Americans,"  he  concluded. 

"  You  know  I  have  only  thirty  pounds  for  my  allow 
ance,  and  that  my  maid's  wages  come  out  of  that,"  she 
IT  15 


170  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

remonstrated.  "  You  don't  know  what  it  costs  to  dress 
like  an  American.  Bijou  Brown  told  mo  only  yesterday 
that  she  gets  a  hundred  and  all  her  worst  bills  paid, 
and  no  question  of  a  maid,  and  lots  of  presents." 

"  "Why  don't  you  send  Parsons  packing,  and  do  your 
own  hair  and  all  that,  like  the  American  girls  ?" 

"  Do  my  own  hair  ?  I  never  could.  I  haven't  the 
least  idea  how  to  go  about  it." 

"  Then  }^ou  are  a  great  stupid,  that's  all,"  remarked 
Mr.  Heathcote,  with  all  a  brother's  talent  for  making 
himself  agreeable. 

"  Perhaps,  if  it  is  so  bad,  I  had  best  stay  at  home," 
Ethel  said  to  her  aunt.  "  I  can  see  that  Arthur  is 
ashamed  of  me  and  considers  me  a  fright." 

"  Nonsense,  my  dear.  Don't  mind  him ;  and"  (lower 
ing  her  voice)  "  don't  mind  Mrs.  Sykes  either.  An  Eng 
lish  lady  does  not  wish  to  look  as  though  she  had  just 
stepped  out  of  a  fashion-plate.  I  consider  that  Mrs. 
Sykes  has  lived  too  long  on  the  Continent  to  be  a  judge 
of  such  matters.  It  is  all  very  well  for  tradespeople 
and  parvenues  to  lay  such  stress  upon  apparel,  but  you 
can  afford  to  dress  as  you  please,  within  certain  limits. 
I  have  always  thought  myself  that  French  costumes 
look  best  on  French  actresses.  It  is  no  ambition  of 
mine  to  see  my  niece  enter  such  lists.  Really,  my  love, 
you  look  unusually  well  this  afternoon ;  and  though 
Mrs.  Sykes  evidently  thinks  me  dreadfully  old-fash 
ioned,  my  own  idea  is  very  different.  It  seemed  to  me 
that  this  top  looked  a  little  fast  looped  up  like  this.  I 
should  have  preferred  to  have  it  plainer ;  only  Parsons 
was  so  set  about  it  that  I  yielded." 

The  "  nut-shell"  proved  to  be  a  charming  little  villa 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  171 

set  in  well-kept  grounds,  gay  with  flowers  and  striped 
awnings,  and  having  more  than  its  share  of  veranda, 
wide,  steep-roofed,  and  invitingly  cool.  There  was  the 
usual  entourage  of  such  places, — a  windmill,  a  tennis- 
court,  hammocks,  benches  on  which  lay  books  not  over- 
wise,  and  a  merry,  unpretentious  little  fountain  that 
plashed  pleasantly  all  the  summer  long  on  a  remarkably 
small  capital  in  the  way  of  water,  thanks  to  the  engi 
neering  skill  of  a  certain  officer  who  had  diverted  him 
self  and  a  small  stream  at  the  same  time,  devised  pumps, 
laid  down  pipes,  and  spent  a  good  deal  of  time  and 
money  proving  that  "  anybody  can  have  a  fountain  at 
a  trifling  outlay." 

Across  the  front  lawn,  sloping  graciously  toward  a 
westering  sun,  came  Mrs.  De  Witt  when  she  heard  the 
carriages  stop  at  the  gate,  looking  almost  as  nice  as  she 
was  in  the  coolest,  freshest  of  white  dresses,  and  hav 
ing  the  warmest  welcome  for  her  guests,  whom  she  re 
ceived  in  her  own  gay  and  gracious  fashion.  She  was 
merely  eager  to  meet  them  as  promptly  and  cordially 
as  possible ;  but  Mrs.  Sykes  at  once  set  the  little  atten 
tion  down  as  a  recognition  of  her  superior  rank,  and 
was  hardly  out  of  the  phaeton  before  she  fell  to  pat 
ronizing  the  place  and  its  mistress  as  affably  as  possible, 
in  a  way  that  set  Miss  Noel's  teeth  on  edge. 

"  Quite  a  pretty  place*  you  have  got  here, — quite  a 
pretty  place,  though  dreadfully  out  of  the  way.  And 
a  nice  lawn, — the  best  bit  of  turf  I  have  seen  since  I 
landed.  Yes,  really ;  I  am  sincere.  I  think  it  would  be 
thought  a  nice  lawn  at  home.  Quite  English." 

"  Oh,  we  shouldn't  dream  of  having  English  turf  over 
here,"  said  Mrs.  De  Witt,  in  her  very  clear  treble.  "Wo 


172  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

know  our  place  better.  "We  can  only  offer  you  a  little 
sparse  and  defective  American  verdure  here  and  there 
that  dies  away  in  a  green  and  yellow  melancholy  later 
in  the  season." 

"  And  what  shrubs  have  you  got  there  ?  I  never  saw 
them  before.  When  they  are  grown  they  may  prove 
quite  ornamental,  though  I  don't  think  them  well 
grouped,  I  must  say.  You  want  to  open  out  the  view, 
not  shut  it  in;  and  there  should  be  more  variety  of 
tint  in  the  plantations  over  there.  What  are  those 
rather  thinnish  bushes  with  long,  glossy  leaves  ?" 

"  Mere  native  shrubs.  I  forget  the  name.  Not  worthy 
of  your  notice,  I  assure  you.  As  common  as  possible," 
replied  Jenny.  "  Dear  Miss  Noel,  I  am  so  pleased  that 
you  should  take  all  this  trouble  to  come  to  us.  Ah! 
here  comes  my  husband,  Sir  Eobert, — Colonel  De  Witt, 
— the  only  colonel  in  America,  as  you  will  soon  find." 

She  then  presented  him  to  each  of  them  more  par 
ticularly,  for,  though  he  had  called  upon  them,  they  had 
not  met,  and  as  they  sauntered  back  to  the  house  even 
Mr.  Heathcote  admitted  to  himself  that  his  successful 
rival  was  a  remarkably  handsome  man,  of  polished 
manners.  He  had  been  accustomed  to  think  of  him  as 
"  a  Yankee  chap,"  and  he  was  prejudiced  against  Yan 
kees.  He  had  met  a  good  many  florid  specimens  of  the 
race  on  the  Continent,  whom  h*e  chose  to  consider  typi 
cal  Americans,  and  of  whom  he  was  disposed  to  say, 
with  Jaques,  "  God  be  with  you !  Let's  meet  as  seldom 
as  we  can." 

As  they  approached  the  veranda  they  got  clearer  and 
clearer  views  of  a  party  of  five  ladies  and  six  gentlemen 
assembled  there.  On  their  arrival,  more  introductions 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  173 

followed,  after  which  Mrs.  De  "Witt  carried  the  English 
ladies  off  up-stairs  to  lay  aside  their  wraps.  Even  in 
her  hasty  transit  through  the  house  Mrs.  Sykes  had 
time  to  observe  through  open  doors  certain  effects  of 
portieres,  family  portraits,  bric-a-brac,  and  what  not, 
that  were  reassuring,  and  to  see  that  the  villa  was  a 
gem  of  a  place,  small  but  perfect,  having  about  it  not 
only  an  air  of  great  refinement,  but  a  stamp  of  orig 
inality.  It  was  irregular,  to  be  sure,  to  be  shown  up 
stairs  by  her  hostess ;  but  "  autre  pays  autre  mceurs." 
She  was  less  sure  of  her  ground,  somehow,  and  miti 
gated  her  condescensions  considerably.  She  prepared 
to  make  herself  agreeable  according  to  her  best  lights, 
and,  on  their  return  to  the  veranda,  took  the  easiest  of 
the  easy-chairs  and  voluntarily  renewed  her  acquaint 
ance  with  Mrs.  Hitchcock,  who  was  of  the  party.  That 
lady,  however,  almost  immediately  made  some  excuse, 
and  slipped  away  to  another  seat. 

"  That  woman  has  a  perfect  detestation  to  me," 
thought  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  I  suppose  that  insignificant 
little  man  of  the  same  name  is  her  husband,  and  that  it  is 
they  who  have  brought  the  duke.  These  De  Witts  must 
be  people  of  more  consideration  than  I  had  thought. 
The  men  seem  du  monde,  and  the  women  too,  which  is 
a  better  criterion.  And  a  bishop  of  something,  too,-  • 
not  that  colonial  bishops  amount  to  much.  Still — " 
Here  her  reflections  were  cut  short  by  the  prelate  in 
question,  a  divine  of  much  port  and  presence,  in  whose 
creed  turtle-soup  and  moselle  counted  for  two  of  the 
Thirty-Nine  Articles,  and  whose  broad  person  savored 
far  more  of  New  York  or  London  than  of  the  New 
Jerusalem.  The  bishop  took  the  seat  vacated  by  Mrs. 

15* 


174  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Hitchcock,  put  his  finger-tips  together  easily  in  semi- 
clerical  fashion,  and  diffused  bland  remarks  in  a  fat 
voice  that  issued  from  the  back  of  a  thick  throat  made 
up  of  three  tiers  of  chins.  He  spoke  of  England  as 
"  the  nursing-mother,  under  Providence,  of  the  Church," 
and  described  his  visits  to  his  "brothers  of  London  and 
York."  He  really  liked  England,  went  there  as  often 
as  he  could,  had  no  objection  whatever  to  being  called 
"  my  lord,"  and  always  got  into  his  apron  and  knicker 
bockers  the  day  he  landed  in  Liverpool.  He  was  quite 
lionized  there,  and  felt  that  he  presented  a  pleasing 
contrast  to  other  American  bishops  of  inferior  social 
gifts.  Indeed,  he  once  explained  the  difference  between 
himself  and  a  gaunt,  careworn  territorial  missionary, 
whose  lawn  sleeves  were  utterly  destitute  of  worldly 
starch,  and  who  cut  a  sorry  figure  at  a  certain  general 
council,  by  whispering  impressively  to  the  nearest  Eng 
lish  prelate,  "  Converted  from  the  Methodists !"  "  Ah ! 
I  see,"  said  his  lordship. 

As  for  Mrs.  Sykes,  she  talked  away  in  her  most  ani 
mated  strain  on  a  great  variety  of  topics,  and,  being  a 
clever,  a  widely-travelled,  and  a  well-read  woman,,  made 
a  very  pleasant  impression  for  some  time, — indeed, 
until  she  began  to  show  the  cloven  foot  which  it  was 
simply  impossible  for  her  long  to  conceal. 

"  You  consider  yourselves  to  have  some  sort  of  con 
nection  with  the  Establishment,  do  you  not  ?"  she  said. 

"  Friendly  relations,  but  no  entangling  alliance.  You 
recognize  the  quotation,  of  course.  It  is  our  religious 
no  less  than  our  political  policy,"  the  bishop  replied. 

A  sharp  course  of  cross-questioning  ensued  as  to  the 
organization,  position,  and  influence  of  the  Episcopal 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  175 

Church  in  America.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  surprised  to  find 
that  the  Church  did  not  boast  a  single  archbishop.  The 
bishop  as  good  as  promised  her  one  before  another 
decade,  and  signified  that  New  York  would  be  the  see 
to  furnish  him. 

"  You'd  like  to  be  chosen,  wouldn't  you  ?  You  would 
be  a  very  good  man  for  it,"  said  she. 

The  bishop  blushed  with  gratification  at  finding  such 
appreciation,  though  it  was  disconcerting  to  hear  a  pri 
vate  conviction  publicly  expressed.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  a 
delightful  woman.  He  disclaimed  the  honor,  of  course. 
"  New  York  is  not  my  diocese,  you  know,"  he  said. 

"  Never  mind.  Perhaps  you'll  get  it  all  the  same  by 
some  fluke,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes  encouragingly,  and  then 
pursued  her  inquiries.  Having  grasped  the  idea  that 
the  Church  had  no  subsidies  from  the  government,  no 
tithes,  nothing,  she  went  into  practical  considerations, 
and  wound  up  by  asking  the  bishop  point-blank  what 
his  salary  was,  and  how  he  managed  to  "  screw"  it  out 
of  the  faithful. 

The  bishop  was  annoyed.  He  mentioned  the  sum 
collected,  but  was  silent  as  to  the  manner  of  collection. 

"Why,  that's  less  than  the  cook  at  the  'Reform' 
gets !"  cried  Mrs.  Sykes,  on  hearing  it.  The  bishop  was 
disgusted.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  odiously  gross  now.  Hap 
pily,  a  musical  bell  tinkled  in  the  hall  at  this  juncture, 
and  he  was  spared  the  necessity  for  -a  reply,  for  this 
meant  that  tea  was  about  to  be  served,  and  a  gentleman 
from  Boston,  who  had  been  talking  to  Sir  Robert,  came 
forward  and  offered  Mrs.  Sykes  his  arm,  Mr.  Porter  by 
name, — a  cool,  severe-looking  man,  a  kind  of  abstract 
of  the  exact  sciences,  with  weak  eyes  and  a  trick  of 


176  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

looking  beyond  the  person  with  whom  he  conversed,  at 
some  fixed  point,  real  or  imaginary.  There  were  women 
— rather  foolish  ones,  be  it  said — who  would  sooner 
have  been  shot  from  a  cannon,  like  the  Barnum  prodigy, 
than  to  have  endured  a  prolonged  tete-d-tete  with  him, 
and  men  of  some  intellectual  pretensions  and  even 
achievements  who  would  have  shrunk  from  it  as  an 
ordeal,  for  Mr.  Porter  was  a  kind  of  reagent,  which, 
applied  to  vanity,  affectation,  pretentious  ignorance,  or 
charlatanism,  exposed  them  mercilessly.  But  he  and 
Sir  Robert  got  on  common  ground  at  once  and  had  a 
delightful  talk.  They  began  with  the  bird-fauna  of  the 
United  States,  and  the  occasional  additions  made  to  it 
from  Mexico,  Central  America,  and  the  West  Indies, 
and  from  this  went  on  to  ornithology  in  general,  geol 
ogy,  botany,  the  Mauvaises  Terres,  the  Dismal  Swamp, 
the  Great  Canons  and  Salt  Lake,  the  Mississippi  River, 
valley,  and  delta,  the  Yosemite  regions,  the  oil-wells  of 
Pennsylvania,  and  so  on.  Then  followed  a  discussion 
of  the  Quakers,  the  Shakers,  the  various  communistic 
societies  established  from  time  to  time  in  the  country, 
the  Mormons,  the  Penitents  of  New  Mexico.  Finally, 
they  had  an  argument  as  to  whether  the  religion  of  the 
American  Indians  was  or  was  not  a  pure  theism,  bring 
ing  out  a  few  legends  and  other  specimens  from  Mr. 
Porter's  mine  of  information  about  the  aboriginal  tribes 
which  especially- charmed  Sir  Robert,  who  asked  per 
mission  to  make  a  note  of  what  had  been  said,  and 
began  with  an  important  entry  to  the  effect  that  "  pol- 
lywog  was  the  Indian  name  for  tadpole."  He  also  put 
down  "a  curious  and  most  poetical  belief  that  the  rain 
bow  is  the  heaven  of  the  flowers/'  and  "a  remarkable 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  177 

prejudice  of  the  Cherokee  women  against  hair  on  the 
face  of  their  warriors,  which  it  is  their  practice  to  pluck 
out  as  fast  as  it  appears,  in  order,  as  George  Eliot  said, 
to  keep  it  '  distinctly  human.'  Extremes  meet  here, 
certainly."  There  was  another  note,  for  which  Mr. 
Porter  was  not  responsible.  It  was  this :  "  The  houses 
of  the  early  settlers  in  America  were  built  of  rude  logs, 
to  which  long,  thin  boards  were  nailed,  which,  doubtless 
from  the  haste  in  which  such  buildings  were  constructed, 
came  to  be  called  clap-boards,  being  clapped  on  without 
loss  of  time  by  the  natives,  impatient  to  secure  shelter 
as  soon  as  possible." 

It  had  not  escaped  Sir  Eobert  all  this  time  that  Mr. 
Porter  had  high  cheek-bones,  a  tall,  lithe  figure,  and  a 
delicate,  aquiline  nose.  Could  this  be  a  national  type  ? 
Was  it  the  beginning  of  a  reversion  to  the  aboriginal 
model  ?  He  put  some  questions.  Mr.  Porter  acknowl 
edged  that  he  often  felt  himself  disagreeably  cramped 
by  the  artificial  restraints  of  a  high  state  of  civilization, 
and  irresistibly  impelled  to  throw  them  off;  he  confessed 
to  a  fondness  for  bright  colors ;  he  was  never  happier 
than  when  shooting  or  fishing  in  the  Adirondacks. 
There  seemed  to  be  something  of  a  case  for  Stimson, 
and  Sir  Robert's  eye  brightened.  But  here  Mr.  Porter's 
savage  impulses  ended,  and  further  inquiry  elicited  the 
fact  that  his  mother  was  Scotch,  and  that  he  only 
represented  the  second  generation  born  in  this  country, 
his  grandfather  having  been  an  Englishman,  so  that  it 
was  too  soon  for  him  to  have  "  reverted"  to  any  extent 
to  the  Choctaw  or  Tonkaway  type  as  a  result  of  climatic 
conditions.  Nor  did  the  physique  of  the  other  men 
present  shed  any  light  on  these  interesting  problems. 


178  ON  BOTH  SIDES 

Colonel  De  "Witt  looked  more  like  an  Italian  than  any 
thing  else,  though  he  came  of  an  old  family,  as  American 
families  go.  The  bishop  might  have  been  English, 
Danish,  Swedish,  German, — anything  that  was  fair, 
ruddy,  ample.  As  for  Mr.  Hitchcock,  he  was  as  nearly 
featureless  as  possible,  a  sort  of  pasty  nonentity  phys 
ically,  though  a  magnate  financially.  But  Sir  Robert 
reflected  that  it  was  too  soon  to  generalize  and  reach 
conclusions.  Great  patience  in  collecting  data,  and 
elasticity  in  applying  them  so  that  a  given  result 
(determined  beforehand  ?)  may  be  reached,  are  the  two 
indispensable  essentials  of  scientific  investigation.  He 
would  be  patient. 

The  two  young  Englishmen  had  all  this  time  been 
amusing  themselves  admirably,  sitting  metaphorically 
at  the  feet  of  Beauty  in  the  persons  of  three  attractive 
girls, — Edith  Bascome,  of  Baltimore,  the  youngest  and 
prettiest  member  of  a  family  that  had  been  producing 
belles  and  beauties  for  quite  a  century,  and  two  sisters, 
the  Parker  girls,  from  Philadelphia,  as  unlike  as  possible, 
one  being  tall  and  as  fair  as  Faust's  Marguerite  before 
the  footlights,  the  other  a  midget  of  a  woman,  of  a  dark, 
striking,  handkerchief-box  type  of  loveliness,  dressed  in 
a  sheeny  stun0  of  old  gold,  with  a  great  bunch  of  Jacque 
minots  at  her  round  little  waist.  Mrs.  De  Witt  glanced 
at  them  more  than  once,  pleased  by  their  good  looks, 
smiles,  and  vivacious  nothings,  more  especially  by  the 
familiar  air  of  the  two  men,  handsome  and  high-bred, 
whose  every  word  and  look,  attitudes  and  platitudes, 
brought  back  a  long  train  of  associations, — the  amuse 
ments,  impressions,  and  dormant  recollections  generally 
of  her  own  life  in  England. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  179 

"  What  an  air  of  education  English  legs  have,  to  bo 
sure !"  she  mused.  "  "Walking  or  dancing,  standing  or 
sitting,  they  seem  always  to  be  playing  a  part  rather 
than  executing  a  natural  and  involuntary  function. 
There  is  something  studied  about  every  one  of  Mr.  Ram 
say's  incomparable  attitudes,  graceful  and  easy  as  they 
are,  yet  he  can  hardly  have  acquired  them  of  some 
Turveydrop, — the  lazy  grace  with  which  he  has  just 
wiped  his  face  and  tucked  his  handkerchief  in  the  front 
of  his  waistcoat,  for  instance.  What  is  that  he  is  say 
ing  about  his  brother  Bill?  I  didn't  catch  it,  but 
nothing  flattering,  I  am  sure,  from  the  queer  expression 
of  the  girls.  Something  about  his  '  nasty  temper'  and 
its  being  impossible  for  his  wife  to  live  with  him. 
Certainly  the  English  have  less  reason  to  dread  the 
awful  day  when  the  secrets  of  all  hearts  shall  be  re 
vealed  than  any  other  people,  for  everybody  will  have 
heard  theirs,  with  the  fullest  particulars,  beforehand. 
I  wonder  if  Mr.  Heathcote  admires  Edith  ?" 

Edith  was  Mrs.  De  Witt's  cousin,  and  it  was  a  dis 
puted  point  in  the  family  whether  Edith  or  Jenny  had 
given  the  more  perfect  expression  to  the  well-knowr 
Bascome  features,  complexion,  and  hair. 

"  I  was  told  before  I  left  home  that  I  had  better  '  al> 
squatulate'  Baltimore  if  I  wanted  to  preserve  my  peace 
of  mind,  as  it  had  two  American  institutions  in  perfec 
tion, — pretty  women  and  canvas-back  ducks, — and  it  wat 
<  a  tarnation  deal'  easier  to  go  there  than  to  get  away 
again,"  Mr.  Heathcote  was  saying  to  Miss  Bascome 
"  But,  no  matter  if  I  am  '  flabbergasted,'  as  you  say 
over  here,  I  am  going  all  the  same.  I  met  a  fellow  in 
Paris  last  winter  who  was  from  there  and  made  mo 


180  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

promise  I'd  come.  He's  a  kind  of  '  top-boss'  there,  I 
fancy,  and  promised  to  do  me  the  honors." 

"Couldn't  we  skedaddle  over  there  together  some 
time  or  other?"  asked  Mr.  Ramsay,  anxious  to  show 
that  he  also  had  a  certain  command  of  American 
idioms.  "  Bill  was  there  when  he  came  over  here,  and 
said  it  wasn't  half  bad  fun." 

"  Do  come,"  said  Miss  Bascome.  "  I  really  think  you 
will  amuse  yourselves  for  a  little  while  famously.  Why 
not  go  there  at  once  from  here  ?" 

Mr.  Heathcote  instinctively  grew  cautious.  "  I  can't 
do  that.  In  fact,  it  is  altogether  uncertain  whether  I 
go  at  all,"  he  said. 

"  I  shall  not  be  there  ;  but  mamma  and  papa  and  the 
boys  are  at  home,  and  they  will  be  delighted  to  receive 
you  and  put  you  up  at  the  club,  and  all  that.  And 
everybody  will  be  as  nice  as  can  be  to  you.  English 
men,  when  they  are  nice,  are  very  well  received  there," 
she  hospitably  urged. 

"Thank  you  for  the  implied  compliment.  I  didn't 
know  before  that  I  was  nice.  I  would  rather  go  there 
when — when  you  are  at  home,  Miss  Bascome,"  said  Mr. 
Heathcote,  rather  sotto  voce  and  feeling  that  he  was 
committing  himself  quite  seriously.  He  had  been 
much  struck  by  a  certain  resemblance,  and  had  been 
comparing  the  cousins  privately  all  the  afternoon  to 
see  how  far  it  went.  Something  oj  the  same  freshness 
and  spontaneity  of  manner  there  was,  but  he  was  not 
yet  ready  to  admit  that  anybody  could  be  as  charming 
as  Jenny  Meredith,  as  he  always  called  Mrs.  De  Witt 
in  his  own  mind.  Edith  had  not  Mrs.  De  Witt's  bril 
liancy  and  quick  sympathies  and  i-are  fibre  of  soul;  but 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  181 

tme  had  a  charm  of  her  own.  She  was  a  thoroughly 
refined  girl,  a  sufficiently  intelligent  one,  more  consci 
entious  and  practical  than  most  of  her  ugly  contempo 
raries  in  all  that  appertained  to  her  metier  defemme,  and 
distractingly  pretty.  Now,  Mr.  Heathcote  was  accus 
tomed  to  girls  who  looked  more  or  less  agitated  when 
he  approached  or  accosted  them,  much  more  paid  them 
compliments,  but  no  faintest  trace  of  consciousness  or 
gratification  was  visible  in  Edith's  face.  She  neither 
blushed  and  looked  down  nor  smiled  and  looked  up  over 
this  compromising  declaration,  or  any  other  of  the 
speeches  that  Mr.  Heathcote  hazarded  during  the  even 
ing.  She  apparently  regarded  him  as  indifferently  as 
though  he  had  been  his  own  grandfather,  and  said  care 
lessly,  "  Very  well.  I  shall  not  be  back  for  a  month ; 
but  if  you  chance  to  come  then  I'll  take  you  about  and 
present  you  to  all  the  prettiest  girls  in  the  place  and 
do  what  I  can  to  make  it  a  pleasant  visit." 

She  was  not  intending  to  monopolize  him,  then,  as 
some  girls  had  tried  to  do  before  now,  and  she  was  will 
ing  to  introduce  him  to  any  number  of  possible  rivals, 
— unlike  a  certain  young  woman  who  had  told  him 
only  a  fortnight  before,  at  a  Brighton  ball,  that  "  she 
never  introduced  eligible  men  to  other  girln,  not  even 
her  dearest  friend, — as  she  was  not  going  to  lose  a  lot 
of  dances,  and  perhaps  a  chance  of  settling  herself  for 
life,  when  it  could  easily  be  avoided  by  a  little  manage 
ment  and  judicious  fibbing."  He  knew  that  a  nice 
English  girl  would  never  have  said  such  a  thing,  and 
had  been  disgusted;  but  he  also  knew  that,  grossly  or 
adroitly,  he  had  been  flattered,  followed,  and  angled  for 
ever  since  he  attained  his  majority,  and  remembered 

16 


182  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

with  a  feeling  of  relief  that  the  relations  between  the 
sexes  Avere  said  to  be  entirely  different  in  America.  Ho 
did  not  know  what  they  were,  but  it  would  be  pleasant 
to  find  out,  to  lay  aside  the  social  strait- waistcoat  that 
had  bored  him  so  of  late  and  forget  that  the  matrimonial 
net  was  spread  for  his  feet.  "  I  shall  certainly  come, — 
in  about  a  month,"  he  said,  and  then,  from  force  of  habit, 
ndded,  "  But  it  will  not  suit  my  book  at  all  to  stay  long." 

"You  will  bring  your  sister,  of  course,"  said  Edith. 

"  Oh,  no  ;  not  at  all.     Why  should  I?"  said  he. 

"  "Why  shouldn't  you,  pray  ?     Wouldn't  she  like  it  ?" 

"  I  dare  say.  She's  always  as  pleased  as  Punch  to  be 
taken  about  by  me ;  but  it  is  a  bother  having  women 
around." 

"  A  bother,  indeed !  You  should  feel  it  an  honor  to 
have  a  sister  to  protect  and  care  for  and  make  happy 
in  every  way  possible,"  concluded  Edith,  in  a  tone  of 
decided  disapproval. 

This  was  a  new  gospel,  and  Mr.  Heathcote  received 
it  in  silence.  He  had  eight  sisters, — quite  enough  to 
protect  him,  ho  thought.  He  was  by  no  means  madly 
devoted  to  any  of  them,  but  was  least  indifferent  to 
Ethel.  As  to  making  them  happy,  such  an  idea  had 
never  been  so  much  as  suggested  to  him  before.  On 
the  contrary,  it  had  been  the  mission  of  the  girls  to 
make  him  happy;  at  least  they  had  been  trained  to 
give  up  to  him  and  submit  to  him  in  everything.  "  I 
have  dozens  of  them, — a  whole  covey.  If  I  did  that, 
I  should  never  do  anything  else,"  he  said,  after  a 
moment. 

"  Very  woll.  What  of  that  ?  You  couldn't  be  better 
employed  It  would  be  as  good  for  you  as  for  them," 


O.V    THIS  SIDE.  183 

said  Edith  severely.  "And  that's  what  men  are  for. 
They  were  not  put  in  the  world  to  amuse  and  gratify 
and  pamper  themselves  from  morning  till  night." 

"  I  expect — that  is,  a  fellow  expects  to  deny  himself 
lots  of  things  and  give  in  and  philander  around  his 
wife,  Miss  Bascome, — that  is,  if  he  ever  marries,"  re 
plied  Mr.  Heathcote,  making  the  remark  as  much  of  an 
impersonal  and  abstract  aphorism  as  possible.  "  But  a 
sister,  now,  is  a  different  thing." 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?  I  don't  agree  with  you  at  all. 
And  I  am  sorry  for  the  wife.  Bad  brothers  are  not  apt 
to  develop  in  a  few  weeks  into  good  husbands.  For  my 
part,  I  wouldn't  marry  any  man,  not  if  I  loved  him 
with  all  my  heart,  that  was  unkind  to  his  mother  anfl 
sisters.  I  wouldn't  be  such  a  fool  as  to  suppose  that  I 
could  transform  him  into  a  devoted  husband." 

Mr.  Heathcote  stared.  Her  decision  of  tone  and 
manner  amused  him,  as  did  the  didactic  tone  of  her  re 
marks.  The  plump  way  in  which  she  brought  out  the 
"  not  if  I  loved  him  with  all  my  heart,"  and  that  round, 
unvarnished  "fool,"  was  very  novel.  An  English  girl 
of  her  class  would  have  blushingly  said  something  about 
"  liking"  the  man  in  question,  and  avoided  the  last  ex 
pression  altogether  as  unladylike.  He  was  interested. 

"  Then  you  expect  to  get  a  devoted  husband  ?"  he 
said. 

"  I  hope  to,"  said  Edith  honestly,  "  when— if— "  And 
uow  at  last  came  her  blush, — the  dearest  little  blush 
that  ever  rose  to  a  girl's  cheek  and  vanished  again. 

Mr.  Ramsay  all  this  time  had  been  rattling  away  in 
the  most  cheerful  manner  to  the  Parkers,  who  put  in 
an  animated  "Is  that  so?"  or  "How  perfectly  lovely!" 


1&4  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

or  "  What  an  awful  shame !"  as  the  circumstances  de 
manded.  For  the  last  five  minutes  he  had  been  talking 
to  them  of  London  slang. 

Edith  had  caught  a  "  Tell  us  some  more,  do,"  from 
the  youngest  Miss  Parker,  who  now  broke  in  with, 
"  It's  just  too  funny  for  anything,  Edith.  A  '  tizzy'  is  a 
sixpence,  and  a  '  bobby'  is  a  shilling, — twenty-five  cents 
of  our  money, — and  a  '  pony'  is  a  hundred  dollars." 

The  two  gentlemen  laughed. 

"  No,  no ;  a  '  bob.'  A  '  bobby'  is  a  policeman,"  ex 
plained  Mr.  Eamsay.  And  all  the  party  being  at  the 
age  when  it  is  possible  to  laugh  at  everything  01 
nothing,  availed  themselves  merrily  of  the  privilege. 

This  was  the  only  information  imparted ;  and  the 
conversations  were  not  at  all  like  the  one  Sir  Robert 
was  having  with  Mr.  Porter,  a  few  feet  off;  neither 
were  there  any  bon  mots,  jeux  d' esprit,  or  witticisms  of 
any  kind ;  yet  every  member  of  the  quintette  had 
found  it  extremely  pleasant  and  amusing. 

Ethel  had  fallen  to  the  lot  of  a  certain  young  lawyer 
of  the  self-confident,  aggressive  type  spoken  of  by 
many  persons  as  "  a  smart  man,"  and  reputed  to  have 
"  a  great  flow  of  language."  Fluent  he  was,  in  a  showy, 
superficial  sort  of  way ;  but  his  talk  was  all  machine- 
made,  and  only  "  flowed"  on  the  coffee-mill  principle, 
as  he  ground  out  the  same  thing  over  and  over  again 
at  successive  entertainments,  without  often  finding  so 
good  a  listener  as  Miss  Heathcote.  An  interest  he  had 
for  her  that  he  little  suspected.  He  fancied  that  he 
was  captivating  her  by  the  play  of  his  mind.  The  real 
truth  was  that  he  sported  a  "  goatee,"  the  first  that  she 
had  ever  seen,  and  she  found  a  sort  of  fascination  for  » 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  185 

while  in  watching  the  singular  tuft  as  it  rose  and  fell 
with  each  phrase  or  smile :  indeed,  so  absorbed  was  she 
in  the  contemplation  of  this  unique  hirsute  adornment 
that  once  or  twice  she  quite  forgot  to  make  a  proper 
response  to  what  he  was  saying.  His  manner  struck 
her  as  familiar,  audacious,  "  shoppy  :"  it  was  smart,  and 
had  none  of  the  deference  that  need  not  be  spoken  but 
should  always  be  felt.  He  asked  Ethel  how  she  liked 
America,  and,  on  her  saying,  "  It  is  all  different  to 
England,  but  has  been  very  diverting  so  far,"  exclaimed, 
"  '  Different' !  I  should  rather  hope  it  was,"  and  then 
went  on  to  express  an  intense  dislike  for  her  native 
country  and  all  its  institutions,  founded  upon  a  brief 
tour  in  it  taken  the  year  before.  The  hotels,  people, 
manners,  and  customs  had  all  alike  failed  to  please  him. 
The  royal  family  were  imbecile  all  the  way  through  ; 
the  prince  would  never  come  to  the  throne;  the  aris 
tocracy  was  doomed;  London  society  was  the  most 
corrupt  in  the  world.  All  this  knowledge,  and  much 
more,  he  had  gained  in  a  two  weeks'  residence  at  the 
"  Langham."  He  had  never  been  able  to  get  a  glass  of 
iced  water  outside  of  that  institution.  The  climate 
was  the  worst  on  earth.  The  House  of  Lords  dropped 
Its  /i's  habitually,  and  the  Earl  of — he  couldn't  remem 
ber  the  title — had  said  that  "  It  wasn't  the  'unting  that 
'urt  the  'orses,  but  the  'ammer,  'ammer,  'ammer  on  the 
'ard  "ighroad." 

Ethel  listened  indignantly  to  all  this  intelligent  criti 
cism,  and  even  when  his  uproarious  laughter  died  away 
she  could  find  no  words  in  which  to  confute  it.  The 
largeness  of  the  statements  and  the  invincibility  of  the 
Ignorance  confounded  her.  She  was  still  trying  to  give 

16* 


186  OJV  BOTH  SIDES. 

some  adequate  expression  to  her  excited  feelings,  when 
he,  noticing  and  rather  enjoying  her  chagrin,  had  the 
fine  tact  to  add,  "  You  are  very  wise  to  come  over  here. 
Perhaps  one  of  our  Yankee  boys  will  take  a  fancy  to 
you,  and  then  you'll  be  all  right.  America  is  the  only 
country  that  is  fit  to  live  in." 

"  An  English  gentleman  dropping  his  h's  I  You  don't 
snow  anything  about  England  ;  and  I  wouldn't  marry 
a  Yankee,  not  if — "  she  began  warmly. 

But  at  that  moment  Colonel  De  Witt  came  up,  and 
laughingly  said,  "  Don't  be  rash,  Miss  Heathcote.  Here 
is  the  most  charming  young  fellow,  a  '  Yankee'  officer, 
waiting  to  take  you  inside,  and  perhaps  ultimately  to 
the  altar." 

The  lawyer  rose.  "  Take  this  chair  near  Miss  Ethel : 
I  am  going,"  he  said  to  the  gentleman  who  now  joined 
Colonel  De  Witt. 

"  Odious  creature !  The  idea  of  his  daring  to  call  me 
'  Miss  Ethel,'  when  I  never  saw  him  before !"  thought 
Ethel,  more  angry  than  ever. 

"  I've  made  her  furious,"  the  offender  said  to  Colonel 
De  Witt,  as  they  walked  off.  "  They  can't  bear  to  be 
told  about  their  A's.  But  she  needn't  talk.  She  says 
'at  tome'  and  '  'oteP  herself." 

Colonel  De  Witt  felt  annoyed.  By  an  unlucky  chance 
the  lawyer  had  dropped  in  on  them  that  afternoon :  ho 
had  not  been  invited.  "  They  give  to  '  hotel,'  as  to  the 
word  '  trait,'  its  original  French  pronunciation,"  he  said. 

"  Oh,  pshaw !  They  don't  know  how  to  speak  their 
own  language,"  the  lawyer  replied,  with  conviction. 
"  In  some  parts  they  didn't  understand  me  at  all  at 
6rst." 


O^  THIS  SIDE.  187 

Miss  Noel  had  been  placed  between  the  bishop's  wife 
and  another  dignitary,  a  major-general  in  the  regular 
army,  of  commanding  presence  and  much  social  pres 
tige.  This  officer  sat  bolt  upright  in  an  uncompro 
misingly  straight-backed  chair,  and  talked  in  short, 
staccato  sentences  in  a  huffy,  bluffy,  chuffy  way  which 
suited  him,  somehow,  as  a  vieux  moustache.  His  body 
had  always  the  air  of  being  on  drill,  while  his  legs 
seemed  always  on  furlough.  He  turned  his  whole  body 
when  he  wanted  to  look  to  the  right  or  left,  but  his 
legs  he  continually  twisted  and  untwisted  about  the 
rounds  of  his  chair  like  clumsy  creepers,  or  shot  them 
out  suddenly  in  front  of  him,  to  withdraw  them  as 
suddenly. 

Miss  Noel  recognized  the  tenue  militaire,  although  he 
was  not  in  uniform,  and  asked  the  general  if  he  had 
seen  much  foreign  service  "  in  Mexico  and  South  Amer 
ica  and  about  there  ;"  deplored  "  the  sad  struggle  be 
tween  the  Northern  and  Southern  Americans,  whose 
wounds  she  feared  were  hardly  yet  healed ;"  and  rejoiced 
that  slavery  was  done  away  with  forever. 

"  It  is  more  than  I  am,"  said  the  general,  whose  turn 
of  mind  was  pessimistic.  "  I'd  put  every  one  of  them 
back  to-morrow  if  I  could.  It  is  the  only  system  for 
them.  My  son  has  an  orange-plantation  in  Florida 
that  ought  to  have  yielded  him  seven  thousand  this 
year,  and  he  didn't  get  seven  hundred.  And  why? 
Stolen  !  Stolen  by  those  miserable  darkies  down  there. 
Don't  talk  to  me  of  the  future  of  that  race.  They've 
got  no  future. — unless  you  call  the  almshouse  and  the 
penitentiary  one." 

"  Dear  mo  !     How  very  dreadful  I     Can't  the  govern- 


188  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

mcnt  restrain  such  lawlessness  in  some  way?  Elaa 
their  moral  sense  been  appealed  to  ?" 

"  Moral  sense  ?  Moral  fiddlesticks  1"  said  the  general. 
"  Excuse  my  warmth.  You  might  as  well  appeal  to  a 
leopard  and  ask  him  to  change  his  spots.  I'd  like  to 
tie  every  one  of  them  up  by  the  thumbs  for  a  week. 
The  country  is  topsy-turvy,  and  has  been  ever  since 
the  Fourteenth  Amendment  passed.  There  isn't  a 
servant  in  it,  not  even  in  the  army  now.  We  are  in 
the  hands  of  the  Irish ;  and  you  know  what  that  is, — 
anarchy  at  home,  disgrace  abroad." 

"  You  surprise  me,"  said  Miss  Noel.  "  What  a  state 
of  affairs!" 

"  It  is  all  true.  Politics  are  in  a  pretty  state  when 
you  can't  pick  up  a  paper  without  seeing  that  the  Irish 
vote  must  be  conciliated  and  the  German  vote  gained : 
it  will  be  the  Swedish  vote  soon,  and  the  Chinese  vote, 
and  the  French  vote,  and  the  Italian  vote, — not  the 
American  vote  at  all.  The  only  sensible  party  this 
country  has  ever  produced  was  the  Know-Nothing 
party.  Who  ought  to  rule  this  country  ?  The  people 
who  were  here  before  all  these  foreigners  poured  in,— 
the  American  people,  of  course,  madam.  And  who 
does  rule  it  ?  The  riff-raff  of  Europe." 

Miss  Noel  listened  most  attentively,  and  ejaculated 
"  Only  fancy !"  when  he  had  finished. 

"  And  where  are  the  Indians  now  ?"  she  asked,  with 
unconscious  irony.  "  I  hope  they  are  not  giving  trouble, 
too  ?" 

"  Breaking  out  all  the  time,  on  the  contrary, — mur 
dering  the  whites  right  and  left  whenever  they  get  a 
chance."  said  the  general. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  189 

"  Is  it  possible  ?  In  what  part  is  that  ?  I  had  sup 
posed  that  they  were  being  rapidly  civilized." 

"  Out  West,"  said  the  general. 

"  Eeally !  Sir  Eobert  can't  know  that,  surely !  That 
is  where  we  are  going, — the  Western  part, — the  State 
of  Michigan,"  said  Miss  Noel  anxiously,  visions  of  being 
scalped  and  tortured  and  made  prisoner  running  through 
her  mind. 

"  Oh,  there  is  no  danger  there, — none  whatever,"  said 
the  general  reassuringly. 

"What  do  you  think  would  be  the  best  policy  to 
adopt  in  dealing  with  them  ?"  asked  Miss  Noel. 

"  Shoot  'em,"  said  the  general  decisively.  "  Kill  the 
last  one  of  'em,  and  then  we  shall  have  peace,  and  so 
will  they,  and  not  until  then." 

Miss  Noel  wrote  nine  letters  next  morning  before 
breakfast,  and  gave  in  several  of  them  a  comical  enough 
resume  of  the  condition  of  affairs  in  America  as  gleaned 
from  "  an  official  of  wide  experience  and  high  rank," 
showing  that  the  country  was  a  prey  to  factions  of 
the  most  ignorant  and  turbulent  kind,  that  the  experi 
ments  of  freeing  the  slaves  and  civilizing  the  aborigines 
had  proved  utter  failures,  and  prophesying  the  worst 
things. 

"  They  carry  the  seeds  of  disunion  in  their  own 
bosom,"  she  wrote,  "  and  the  late  war  was  only  the  first 
of  a  long  series  of  struggles  more  gigantic  and  terrible 
than  any  the  world  has  yet  known,  I  fear."  Congratu 
lations  on  the  British  constitution  followed,  and  the 
wisdom  of  being  born  in  the  right  place,  and  then  the 
remark,  "  The  fourteen  new  amendments  to  the  Consti 
tution  seem  to  be  working  very  badly,  and  it  is  to  be 


190  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

hoped  may  soon  be  repealed.  And  the  worst  of  it  Is 
that  there  seems  to  be  no  remedy  for  all  this ;  for  when 
T  asked  the  official  with  whom  I  was  talking  (whoso 
name  I  reserve,  having  met  him  at  a  private  house) 
why  the  government  did  not  take  such  and  such  meas 
ures,  he  said  bitterly,  '  Congress  ?  Is  it  possible  you 
expect  anything  from  Congress  ?  Ah,  you  are  a  for 
eigner.'  And  when  I  asked  if  there  were  not  other 

O 

tribunals,  he  said,  '  Yes ;  there  was  a  Supreme  Court, 
that  had  falsified  election  returns  and  put  into  office  a 
President  never  elected  by  the  people.'  Of  course  with 
a  corrupt  judiciary  all  is  lost." 

There  was  a  good  deal  more  talk  between  Miss  Noel 
and  the  bishop's  wife,  and  even  the  general,  with  which 
we  are  not  immediately  concerned,  it  being  high  time 
to  say  something  about  a  high  tea  which  has  already 
been  kept  waiting  too  long. 

A  model  meal  it  was, — not  ostentatious,  yet  elegant, 
well  cooked,  faultlessly  served,  and  bounded  at  the  head 
and  foot  by  a  host  and  hostess  who  could  almost  have 
made  pulse  fhd  water  ambrosial,  so  perfectly  did  they 
understand  the  art  of  entertaining.  A  seat  had  been 
added  for  the  very  superfluous  lawyer,  Mr.  Crosby,  who 
had  not  had  the  breeding  to  take  himself  off,  and  he 
was  just  beginning  to  grind,  when  his  neighbor,  Miss 
Noel,  looked  across  the  table  and  saw  Mrs.  Sykes  with 
her  eye-glass  up  staring  fixedly  at  the  handsome  silver 
epergne  before  her. 

"Dear  me!"  said  that  lady  alertly.  "  Can  that  be  a 
crest  that  I  see  ?" 

"  On  the  epergne  ?"  asked  Mrs.  De  Witt.  "  Yes.  My 
husband's.  An  old  family  piece,  that  has  quite  recently 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  191 

come  into  our  possession  through  the  kindness  of  a 
friend,  who,  strange  to  say,  found  it  at  a  jeweller's  in 
Charleston,  and  rescued  it  just  in  time  to  prevent  its 
being  melted  down  and  converted  into  teaspoons." 

"An  old  piece,  you  say  ?  How  very  extraordinary ! 
I  thought  Americans  had  no  grandfathers,"  said  Mrs. 
Sykes,  restoring  her  glass  to  its  place,  her  brows  still 
keeping  the  arch  of  surprise. 

Mrs.  De  Witt  flushed,  and  was  about  to  retaliate,  but, 
remembering  that  she  was  in  her  own  house,  stopped. 
She  caught  Miss  Noel's  uneasy  look,  and  felt  repaid  for 
her  self-control. 

"Unlike  the  Smiths,"  she  said,  "who,  according  to 
their  delightful  representative,  '  invariably  sealed  their 
letters  with  their  thumbs,'  wo  have  arms ;  but  I  know 
better  than  to  sport  a  crest,  as  if  I  were  a  peeress  in 
my  own  right,  or  a  reigning  princess,  and  my  husband, 
as  far  as  I  can  see,  uses  his  nose,  but  he  is  so  painfully 
near-sighted  that  I  am  never  sure  what  he  is  about." 

"  We  don't  want  any  crests  and  idiotic  stuif  of  that 
kind  in  this  country.  We  have  done  with  all  that 
nonsense,"  said  Mr.  Crosby,  sweeping  away  paltry  dis 
tinctions  with  his  right  hand.  "  We  don't  care  a  cent 
what  a  man  i»;  we  aim  to  be  free  and  equal.  We  have 
got  no  aristocracy  over  here,  thank  heaven,  and  never 
will  have." 

"Ah!"  said  the  duke.  "Do  I  understand  you  coi- 
rectly  ?  Your  position  is  that  of  absolute  political  and 
social  equality?  You  visit  your  butcher  and  baker, 
then,  and  sit  at  table  with  your  servants?  Logical, 
but  scarcely  agreeable,  I  should  fancy." 

"Nothing  of  the  sort,"  snapped  Mr.  Crosby  angrily. 


192  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  I  never  sat  down  to  a  meal  with  a  servant  in  my  life, 
any  more  than  you  have." 

"  I  beg  your  pardon.  I  did  not  mean  to  be  discour 
teous,  but  the  fact  is  that,  to  be  consistent,  that  is  what 
you  ought  to  do.  You  hold  yourself  aloof  on  the 
ground  of  his  being  the  inferior  and  you  the  superior. 
There  you  have  a  distinction  at  once.  You  republicans 
all  want  to  level  up,  but  not  to  level  down.  It  has 
often  struck  me  forcibly  that  the  one  thing  Americans 
do  want  is  distinctions,  if  they  would  be  honest  enough 
to  confess  it.  They  are  determined  to  do  and  be  every 
thing  ;  they  are  out-and-out  the  most  ambitious  people 
I  have  ever  known.  It  is  laudable  ambition  for  the 
most  part,  but  has  lately  found  less  honorable  expres 
sion  in  the  genealogical  and  heraldic  craze,  with  its 
attendant  search  for  distinguished  ancestors,  family 
portraits,  spindle-legged  furniture,  and  heirlooms  gen 
erally.  I  am  a  good  deal  in  America,  as  you  know,  and 
have  amused  myself  by  observing  its  growth.  When 
I  first  used  to  visit  here,  I  could  count  on  the  fingers 
of  one  hand  the  carriages  having  any  heraldic  device ; 
and  now  every  other  trap  one  sees  has  a  regular  soup- 
plate  of  an  affair  on  the  panel  that  would  do  for  the 
Guelphs  and  Habsburghs,  only  that  they  very  likely 
would  prefer  a  quiet  brougham  with  perhaps  not  so 
much  as  a  monogram  on  it.  I  take  it  that  those  of  you 
who  are  really  entitled  to  bear  arms — and  the  number 
is  greater  than  you  think---have  either  let  them  fall 
into  disuse  or  used  them  under  protest  intermittently, 
and  taken  up  an  apologetic  attitude  toward  the  Ameri 
can  people  for  having  unwittingly  been  born  gentlemen. 
And  now  a  whole  lot  of  cads,  that  have  no  more  right 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  193 

to  a  coat  of  arms  than  I  have  to  the  mitre  of  my  friend 
the  bishop  here  or  the  gown  of  the  chief  justice,  have 
coolly  manufactured  out  of  whole  cloth  the  most  ridicu 
lous  insignia  that  were  ever  seen,  aided  and  abetted 
by  certain  bogus  '  heralds'  colleges'  that  do  a  thriving 
business,  I  am  told." 

"  I  know  of  two  such,"  said  Colonel  De  Witt.  "  And 
I  have  heard  that  the  manager  of  one  of  them  was 
once  an  undertaker  in  San  Francisco.  It  is  to  be 
hoped  that  he  lets  the  dead  past  of  his  patrons  bury 
its  dead." 

There  was  a  laugh,  and  the  duke  went  on :  "I  give 
you  my  word  that  I  passed  by  a  handsome  house  in  a 
certain  city,  not  long  ago,  that  had  a  stone  escutcheon 
carved  over  the  door  on  which  there  was  nothing  but 
a  bar  sinister  1  I  could  not  help  it — I  roared  with  laugh 
ter  !  Honest  man !  he  had  no  more  idea  that  he  was 
proclaiming  to  the  world  that  he  was  a  bastard  than 
another  man  would  have  that  he  was  a  bore.  And  an 
other  day  I  saw  a  carriage  standing  in  front  of  a  shop, 
very  wTell  set-up,  so  much  so  that  it  attracted  my  atten 
tion,  and,  if  you  please,  it  had  on  it  the  Percy  arms, 
with  the  motto  of  the  Aglonbys, — a  north-country 
family  that  I  know." 

"  Ah,  poor  human  nature !"  sighed  the  bishop. 
"  Vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit." 

"Yes,  that  is  it,"  said  the  duke.  "Human  nature 
will  have  distinctions  of  some  sort,  and  titles  too.  The 
Quakers,  in  their  effort  to  get  rid  of  forms,  have  become 
rigid  formalists,  and,  in  trying  not  to  dress  like  the 
world's  people,  stickle  for  a  particular  color  or  shade 
and  give  themselves  twice  the  trouble  that  their  neigh- 
i  n  17 


194  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

bors  take.  I  have  no  idea  that  Mr.  Crosby  there  would 
be  mortally  offended  if  he  saw  his  name  in  the  morning 
papers  (as  I  did  another  fellow's)  as  '  Grand  Potentate 
of  the  Ancient  Arabic  Order  of  the  Mystic  Shrine,' 
whatever  that  is.  Let  me  see.  I  noticed  another.  Ah, 
yes !  A  lady  at  a  ball  given  by  our  minister  in  Wash 
ington, — <  Mrs.  Assistant-Fish-Commissioner  Kobin- 
,son.'" 

"  The  only  title  that  I  ever  thought  entirely  satisfac 
tory  was  that  of  the  Emperor  of  China, — '  Brother  of 
the  Sun  and  Moon,  and  Grandfather  of  the  Fixed 
Stars,' "  said  Mr.  Porter. 

"  That  is  final :  there  is  no  going  behind  that  record, 
not  even  in  a  Presidential  canvass ;  it  will  bear  any 
amount  of  scrutiny,"  said  Colonel  De  Witt. 

"  Well,  as  I  said  before,"  remarked  Mrs.  Sykes,  "  I 
never  knew  that  there  were  any  grandfathers  in 
America." 

The  duke  turned  upon  her  a  look  that  certainly  did 
not  express  admiration,  and  said,  "  You  are  out  there 
entirely."  Then,  addressing  himself  to  Mrs.  De  Witt, 
he  said,  "You  have,  and  have  always  had,  a  gentry 
in  this  country,  men  of  more  or  less  good  birth,  ante 
cedents,  achievements,  refinement.  I  could  mention  a 
number  of  names  at  the  North  and  the  South  that  are 
as  well  known  in  this  country  and  as  highly  thought 
of  as  the  O'Connor  Don  in  Ireland,  the  Master  of  Napier 
in  Scotland,  the  Howards  and  Stanleys  of  England. 
The  only  difference  I  see  between  England  and  America 
is  that  with  us  the  fact  is  officially  recognized  and 
regulated.  It  does  seem  to  me  that  the  whirligig  of 
time  is  revenging  the  South,  which  has  been  so  tremen- 


O^   THIS  SIDE.  195 

dously  laughed  at  for  its  aristocratic  pretensions  and 
'  first  families  of  Virginia'  by  the  North.  You  must  ex 
cuse  these  comments,  Mrs.  De  Witt,  as  well  as  my 
rudeness  in  monopolizing  so  much  of  the  conversation. 
In  interests  and  in  heart  I  am  quite  half  American, 
and  I  have  made  them  in  that  capacity,  not  at  all  as  a 
foreigner." 

"  A  foreigner !  God  bless  my  soul !  I  never  thought 
of  it  before,  but  I  must  be  one,  too,  over  here,"  exclaimed 
Sir  Robert.  At  which  there  was  another  laugh,  and 
many  kind  assurances  from  his  hostess  that  he  was 
nothing  of  the  sort,  as  well  as  a  choky  speech  from  the 
general  to  the  effect  that  he  was  a  brevet  American. 
Mr.  Crosby's  batteries  were  silenced,  but  he  swelled  and 
raged  inwardly,  and  was  so  curt  to  Ethel  that  she 
turned  from  him  to  the  general  on  the  other  side,  and 
was  rewarded  by  hearing  that  officer's  views  on  certain 
ecclesiastical  points. 

"  I  hate  bigotry ;  that  is  what  I  hate.  That  is  why  1 
can't  stand  the  Roman  Catholics  and  the  Episcopalians. 
I'd  like  to  put  a  barrel  of  gunpowder  under  those  two 
churches  and  blow  them  both  up,"  said  that  apostle  of 
charity.  Such  moderation  was  rather  alarming  to 
Ethel,  who  wondered  that  a  man  of  his  rank  should  be 
"  a  Dissenter," — and  a  Dissenter  the  general  was,  though 
not  in  her  sense. 

The  talk  ceased  to  be  general,  but  was  very  briskly 
kept  up,  especially  by  Mrs.  Sykes,  who  "  pumped"  Mr. 
Porter  about  the  De  Witts,  the  bishop,  and  others 
searchingly,  and  was  getting  very  dry  answers,  when 
the  move  was  made  to  return  to  the  drawing-room, — or 
parlor,  as  Mrs.  De  Witt  persistently  called  it,  on  tho 


196  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

ground  that  "a  withdra wing-room"  did  not  match  a 
cottage,  and  a  "  parloir"  exactly  expressed  the  use  to 
which  she  put  the  pretty  little  apartment  in  question. 

"  Some  musique  de  digestion  is  what  we  want  now," 
said  Mrs.  De  Witt  to  Mr.  Earn  say.  "I  am  told  you 
sing.  Do  give  us  something." 

He  seemed  reluctant  to  comply  with  the  request,  and 
declared  that  he  was  "  an  awful  duffer  at  that  kind  of 
thing,  and  would  be  sure  to  make  a  mess  of  it,"  but 
yielded  finally.  Mrs.  De  Witt  played  the  accompani 
ment  to  "  O  Fair  Dove !  O  Fond  Dove !"  admirably,  and 
Mr.  Eamsay,  in  one  of  his  best  attitudes,  looked  ineffably 
handsome,  and  "mourned,  and  mourned,  and  mourned," 
without  expressing  any  grief  whatever,  or  so  much  as 
a  shade  of  expression,  in  a  mellow  voice  of  agreeable 
tone  and  no  cultivati'on,  to  the  enslavement  of  all  the 
*adies  present,  especially  the  youngest  Miss  Parker. 

Mrs.  Sykes  was  then  asked  to  sing;  and,  after  the 
usual  conventional  excuses,  and  making  as  much  of  her 
condescension  in  consenting  as  Patti  could  have  done, 
she  swept  over  to  the  piano,  took  her  seat,  arranged 
her  skirts  elaborately  and  her  music  still  more  elabo 
rately,  and  favored  the  company  with  "  Non  e  ver"  in 
the  style  of  an  actor  in  a  certain  London  burlesque, 
who  repeats  three  verses  of  a  song  and  then  says, 
"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  these  are  the  words ;  you  will 
find  the  air  outside."  Lessons  a  many  Mrs.  Sykes  had 
had,  from  Campana,  and  Trebelli,  and  heaven  knows 
who.  One  saw  that  she  had  received  good  training. 
She  took  her  notes  properly,  and  paid  attention  to  all 
the  "fortes"  and  "pianos,"  and  died  away  utterly  at 
ilcon  sentimento,"  but  voice  she  had  none,  past  or  present. 


0^  THIS  SIDE.  197 

Wild  applause  followed,  except  from  Ethel,  who  said  to 
her  aunt,  "  "What  does  she  mean  by  singing  my  song  ?" 
with  that  extraordinary  proprietorship  in  a  printed 
composition  which  Englishwomen  alone  claim,  and 
Mrs.  De  Witt,  out  of  courtesy,  asked  for  another.  This 
done,  Mrs.  De  Witt  and  her  cousin  played  Schubert's 
"  Les  Inseparables"  charmingly,  and  a  waltz  of  Wald- 
teufel.  Then  Ethel's  turn  came,  and,  refusing  to  sing, 
she  played  a  sonata  of  Beethoven  very  conscientiously ; 
and  then  Miss  Parker  played  the  zither  as  if  for  Titania's 
court;  and  last  of  all  her  sister  was  asked  to  sing, 
having  been  kept,  like  good  wine,  for  a  farewell  bumper. 
She  might  have  sung  "  Au  bon  Pere,"  for  she  gave  "  O 
Rest  in  the  Lord  1"  like  an  artist  or  an  angel,  whichever 
you  prefer,  being  a  passionately-musical  creature,  with 
a  noble  voice  and  the  advantage  of  five  years'  hard 
study  abroad.  Everybody  was  charmed,  or  nearly 
everybody. 

"Professional,  of  course,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "No? 
Then  going  to  be.  People  don't  sing  in  that  theatrical, 
pronounced  style  in  private  life.  You  will  see,  she  will 
go  on  the  stage." 

There  is  no  kno\^ng  how  long  the  party  would  have 
gone  on  urging  Miss  Parker  to  give  them  "  one  more," 
or  "just  this,"  but  Mrs.  Sykes  rose  and  began  making 
her  adieux  while  it  was  still  early,  and  would  not  hear 
of  staying.  So  carriages  were  ordered,  and  they  were 
soon  rolling  away  in  the  darkness,  leaving  the  De  Witts 
to  talk  the  affair  over, — the  extraordinary  good  looks 
of  Mr.  Eamsay,  the  ducal  behavior  and  that  of  Mr. 
Crosby,  Miss  Parker's  voice,  Mrs.  Sykes,  and  even  Miss 
Noel's  ovcrskirt,  which  Jenny  pronounced  "  delightful, 

17* 


198  ON  BOTH  SIDES 

• — as  English  as  Windsor  Castle."  Its  owner  she  thought 
"  a  high-bred,  charming  old  gentlewoman."  Her  opin 
ion  of  Mrs.  Sykes  was  not  so  favorable. 

"  She  belongs,  I  can  see,  to  what  I  call  the  Crom- 
wellian  class  in  England,  because  they  cause  the  English 
name  to  be  dreaded  in  the  remotest  parts  of  the  globe," 
she  said. 

Many  other  entertainments  were  given  to  the  party 
during  the  fortnight  of  their  stay  in  New  York,  all  of 
them  far  more  brilliant  than  the  modest  one  described, 
and  set  down  in  Mrs.  Sykes's  letters  to  her  sister  as 
"fully  up  to  the  mark  of  May  Fair."  The  French 
costumes  appeared  at  them,  and  Mrs.  Sykes  herself 
was  as  gracious  as  she  knew  how  to  be,  and  secretly 
much  impressed.  Mrs.  Hitchcock  and  her  daughters 
showed  Ethel  and  Miss  Noel  every  attention.  They 
did  not  call  at  all  upon  Mrs.  Sykes,  finding  out  that  she 
was  not  a  relative  or  even  intimate  friend,  and  explain 
ing  that  she  had  been  rude  to  them.  But  that  lady  did 
not  stand  upon  ceremony,  and,  from  motives  of  purest 
curiosity,  went  to  see  them  one  day  with  Ethel,  and 
inspected  and  criticised  their  handsome  house,  furniture, 
and  pictures  with  all  her  own  sangfroid. 

Of  one  of  the  latter  she  remarked,  "  That  may  be 
thought  good  here,  but  at  home  we  should  call  it  third- 
rate," — and  when  she  left  she  said  to  Ethel,  "  The  idea 
of  an  English  duke  staying  in  a  house  with  a  door-plate 
to  it,  like  a  veterinary  surgeon's  or  a  dressmaker's !  If 
it  had  been  a  foreign  title,  one  could  have  understood  it. 
]  can't  make  it  out  at  all." 

Several  ladies  at  the  hotel  called  as  soon  as  the  party 
registered  without  having  any  knowledge  of  them  or 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  199 

pretence  for  doing  so,  and  with  no  object  in  view,  as  far 
as  they  could  discover,  unless  it  was  to  find  out  "  which 
one  the  lord  was,"  and  what  their  plans  were,  and  why 
they  had  come  over.  As  might  have  been  expected,, 
these  did  not  prove  very  desirable  acquaintances ;  but 
one  of  them,  who  was  very  rich,  and  whose  heart  was 
better  than  her  grammar,  asked  Mrs.  Sykes  to  join  a 
party  that  she  had  invited  to  go  some  distance  up  the 
Hudson.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  dubious  about  it  until  she 
found  that  she  would  be  at  no  expense,  and  then  was 
"  delighted."  She  announced  to  Miss  Noel  that  she  was 
going,  and  that  lady  was  surprised,  but  only  said, — 

"  Ah,  well !  I  shall  be  a  good  deal  absorbed  by  some 
friends  of  my  own, — Americans.  I  met  them  in  Switz 
erland  three  years  ago,  and  only  think  of  their  coming 
a  distance  of  two  hundred  miles  to  see  me !  Is  it  not 
the  friendliest  thing  possible  ?  And  they  seem  to  think 
nothing  of  it,  I  assure  you." 

Mrs.  Sykes  took  all  her  prejudices  with  her,  and 
looked  at  nothing  from  a  stand-point  of  good  will.  She 
found  no  resemblance  whatever  to  the  Ehine  in  the 
Hudson, — which  is  not  an  unpardonable  sin.  She  com 
plained  of  the  boat,  ridiculed  the  passengers,  patronized 
her  benefactress,  and  destroyed  all  that  worthy  woman's 
pleasure  in  the  outing  by  holding  her  personally  respon 
sible  for  everything  that  displeased  her,  or  that  failed 
to  come  up  to  her  standards,  or  that  she  thought  un 
sightly, — the  hardness  of  the  pillows,  the  flies,  the 
advertisements  posted  up,  the  roads,  the  dust,  the  very 
weather!  She  made  the  whole  party  change  their 
plans  to  suit  her  whims,  and,  when  they  returned,  po 
litely  informed  her  hostess  that  she  was  "  precious  glad 


200  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

to  be  back  again,  and  had  had  quite  enough  of  rural 
America."  She  also  atoned  for  the  loss  of  dignity  she 
had  sustained  in  putting  herself  under  an  obligation  to 
a  person  whom  she  thought  her  social  inferior  by  taking 
no  further  notice  of  her,  beyond  bowing  distantly  when 
they  chanced  to  meet.  Miss  Noel  told  her  that  the 
Browns  had  left  town  for  Kalsing,  and  that  her  friends 
had  come  and  gone  as  well. 

"  They  were  too  dear  and  kind  for  anything ;  and, 
only  fancy,  they  asked  me  and  Ethel  to  spend  six 
months  with  them!  Did  you  ever  hear  of  such  a 
thing?" 

All  the  members  of  the  party  had  amused  themselves 
so  well  in  New  York  that  they  left  it  with  regret ;  but 
their  plans  were  made,  and  they  never  thought  of 
altering  them. 

On  the  day  fixed,  Sir  Robert  sent  off  a  packet  to  his 
solicitor,  telling  him  where  to  address  him  and  asking 
him  to  number  his  letters,  paid  the  hotel  bills,  counted 
his  change  methodically,  entered  the  amount  expended 
in  his  note-book,  and  was  ready  to  move.  Mr.  Ramsay, 
who  was  supposed  to  have  applied  himself  to  and  to 
have  mastered  the  American  system  of  checking  bag 
gage,  bought  the  tickets,  and  showed  Ethel  what  he 
called  "  the  brasses,"  saying  he  hoped  he  wouldn't  lose 
them,  as  it  would  be  "  confoundedly  awkward"  if  he 
did,  and  there  would  be  "  no  end  of  a  piece  of  business 
te  recover  the  luggage."  Parsons  became  again  a  peri 
patetic  mass  of  parcels.  Mrs.  Sykes  sold  her  red-satin 
gown  to  the  housekeeper  for  more  than  she  had  given 
for  it  originally,  and  gave  the  chambermaid  who  harl 
attended  her  ten  cents.  Final  courtesies— flowers. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  201 

books,  notes — poured  in  upon  them,  and  they  left  for 
Washington  and  the  West  "much  pleased  with  what 
they  had  seen  of  the  Northern  Americans." 

Lest  any  one  should  accuse  Mrs.  Sykes  of  ingrati 
tude,  it  should  be  said  that  when  the  duke  (who  had 
been  barely  civil  to  her,  though  very  nice  to  the  others) 
called  on  the  morning  of  departure  and  wrote  down  an 
address  for  which  she  had  asked  him,  she  was  deeply 
appreciative  of  the  trifling  service,  and  brown-sugared 
her  voice  to  any  extent  in  making  her  acknowledg 
ments. 

"  Thank  you  so  very  much,"  she  said.  "  It  will  be  of 
the  greatest  use  to  me ;  and  I  do  hope  to  have  the  honor 
and  pleasure  of  meeting  your  gracfc  again  some  day." 

To  which  his  grace  made  no  reply  whatever. 


IV. 


THE  most  brilliant  and  attractive  of  American  cities 
was  looking  its  best  when  "  the  allied  forces,"  as  the 
English  party  laughingly  called  themselves,  invested  it. 
Congress  was  still  in  session,  pleasure  very  much  at  the 
helm.  The  numerous  parks  were  lovely  with  the  first 
vivid  flush  of  green,  and  already  boasted  their  fairest 
flowers,  the  little  children  just  escaped  from  their 
winter  hot-houses.  The  streets  were  gay  with  throngs 
of  people,  even  at  other  hours  than  those  when  the 
Departments  give  up  their  employees.  Smart  carriages 
rolled  smoothly  down  the  wide  asphalt  avenues  by  day. 


202  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

containing  maids  or  matrons,  richly  dressed,  poring  in 
tently  over  their  social  ledgers  and  day-books  in  the 
shape  of  visiting-lists,  making  an  occasional  entry 
under  protest,  or  scoring  off  thankfully,  almost  de 
voutly,  entries  already  made,  as  they  stopped  at  first 
one  house  and  then  another  and  either  left  the  cus 
tomary  heaps  of  pasteboard  or  stopped  to  make  a  call. 
And  at  night  the  same  carriages  took  half  the  dear  five 
hundred  to  meet  the  other  half  at  innumerable  enter 
tainments,  and  everybody  agreed  that  flesh  and  blood 
could  not  stand  the  wear  and  tear  of  such  a  life  much 
longer,  but  continued  to  go  everywhere  all  the  same. 
The  wives  of  certain  officials  felt  that  they  at  least  had 
stood  it  as  long  as 'mortal  woman  could,  and  envied 
Miss  Kilmansegg  one  of  her  golden  possessions,  while 
counting  their  "days,"  that  they  might  apply  their 
hearts  unto  other  matters,  if  not  to  wisdom.  The  soul 
of  the  eligible  young  man  sickened  at  the  sight  of  fresh 
invitations  or  the  thought  of  chicken-salad.  The  heart 
of  the  susceptible  young  lady  had  been  broken  over 
and  over  again  by  naval  officers,  army  officers,  foreign 
attaches,  and  agreeable  strangers  at  large.  But,  like 
that  thrilling  story  in  which  the  hero  swallows  the  con 
tents  of  a  vial  of  arsenic,  shoots  himself  through  the 
head,  and  then  leaps  from  London  Bridge  into  the  river, 
exclaiming,  "  The  end  is  not  yet !"  the  season  held  its 
own,  in  spite  of  all  its  tragedies,  comedies,  romances, 
and  sensations  of  every  kind.  And,  to  look  on  that 
social  surface  on  whose  brow  "  Time  writes  no  wrin 
kles,"  one  would  have  supposed  that  Moore's  millen 
nium  had  come,  and  that  "not  tear  nor  aching  heart 
could  in  this  world  be  found." 


CW  THIS  SIDE.  203 

Mrs.  Sykes  had  opposed  stopping  in  "Washington,  on 
the  ground  that  it  was  "quite  unnecessary,"  as  the 
Capitol,  which  was  "  the  great  card  of  the  place,"  could 
be  distinctly  seen  from  the  train  as  it  moved  in.  Left 
to  herself,  she  would  certainly  have  bought  the  little 
book  of  views  of  the  city  offered  for  sale  en  route,  trans 
ferred  them  to  her  diary  with  a  rechauffe  of  the  de 
scriptions  attached,  and  gone  her  way  more  than  con 
tent.  But  she  was  overruled ;  and  even  she  found  a 
little  that  she  could  admire  here  and  there,  in  the  public 
buildings,  the  handsome  avenues,  and  the  charmingly 
individualized  houses,  that  have  so  entirely  the  air  of 
having  been  built  for  homes,  instead  of  being  run  up  by 
the  block  to  contractors'  orders  and  then  converted  into 
homes. 

They  put  up  at  the  hotel  recommended  by  the  Do 
Witts ;  and  next  morning  Sir  Eobert,  being  desirous  of 
making  certain  inquiries,  was  told  that  "  Mr.  Maffy,  at 
the  office,"  would  "  post  him"  about  everything.  The 
official  to  whom  he  was  thus  referred  proved  to  be  a 
very  pale  young  gentleman,  with  a  general  air  of  having 
sat  up  all  night,  a  rapid  utterance,  and  a  perfect  wil 
lingness  to  impart  all  the  information  desired  as  to  the 
situation  of  the  post-office  and  the  nearest  bank,  the 
hours  when  the  foreign  mails  closed,  and  so  on.  He 
was  so  obliging,  too,  as  to  add  certain  supplementary 
suggestions — "  wrinkles,"  he  called  them,  and  certainly 
•'  extras,"  though  not  charged  as  such — as  to  what  Sir 
Jlobert  should  do,  see,  and  avoid,  not  only  there,  but 
throughout  America.  There  was  no  difficulty,  either, 
about  finding  out  where  the  residence  of  his  minister 
was,  latitude  being  reckoned  from  there,  instead  of  from 

\ 


204  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Greenwich,  in  Washington, — real-estate  agents  making 
their  "  ad"  (captandum  vulgus)  of  a  house  as  "  in  the 
immediate  neighborhood  of,"  "  twelve  blocks  north  of," 
or  "  on  a  line  of  cars  leading  directly  to,  the  British  Min 
ister's."  Affecting  spectacle  of  American  respectability 
sheltering  itself  under  the  aegis  of  St.  George ! 

Having  got  all  this  information,  Sir  Eobert  posted 
certain  letters  and  notes,  and  then  said  to  Mr.  Maffy, 
"  Should  you  think  it  likely  to  remain  fine  ?  Have  you 
usually  good  weather  at  this  season  ?" 

"First-rate,"  replied  Mr.  Maffy  confidently.  "Yes 
terday  was  a  sample  of  what  we  get  about  now.  How 
are  your  ladies  this  morning  ?  All  right,  I  hope ;  b*ut 
if  they  are  tired,  and  would  like  to  stay  in  their  rooms, 
I'll  see  that  their  meals  are  fixed  up  to  suit  them  and 
sent  up.  And  if  they  would  like  anything  to  read,  I'll 
send  them  up  something.  I've  g"ot  all  Messrs.  Bulwer 
and  Dickens's  works,  and  I  subscribe*  for  several  maga 
zines." 

Deathless,  unquenchable  gallantry  was  the  key-note 
of  Mr.  Maffy's  character ;  but  Sir  Robert  did  not  under 
stand  the  situation  at  all,  and  stared  in  an  evidently 
perplexed  way  at  the  speaker. 

"  "What  should  they  stay  shut  up  in  their  bedrooms 
for  on  a  beautiful  day  like  this  ?"  he  asked.  "  If  they 
want  anything  to  read,  they  can  send  out  and  get  it  in." 

With  this  he  took  himself  off,  leaving  Mr.  Maffy  with 
an  impression  that  he  was  "  not  a  polite  gentleman  at 
all, — probably  jealous"  and  carrying  away  a  confused 
idea  that  Mr.  Maffy  was  "an  impudent  fellow,"  who 
had  meant — he  could  not  say  what ;  whereas  the  truth 
was  that  Mr.  Maffy  prided  himself  on  bfjng  "  a  polite 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  205 

gentleman,"  and  was  not  conscious  of  any  social  gulf 
between  himself  and  the  people  stopping  at  the  hotel 
that  could  not  be  bridged  by  these  small  attentions, 
which  he  was  very  much  in  the  habit  of  showing. 

The  ladies  were  much  amused  when  told  of  the  inci 
dent,  said  he  must  be  "  a  most  droll,  curious  creature," 
and  thought  Mr.  Maffy  was  "  trying  to  take  them  in, 
perhaps,  in  some  way." 

"  What  do  you  say  to  a  good,  brisk  spin  ?"  suggested 
Sir  Robert.  "  I  have  not  stretched  my  legs,  except  to 
potter  about  a  bit  in  New  York,  since  I  landed,  and  I 
am  longing  to  get  out  in  the  country  again." 

It  seemed  that  they  all  felt  the  need  of  a  constitu 
tional,  and  off  they  tramped  accordingly  to  Georgetown, 
and  far  beyond,  enjoying  their  walk  as  people  do  with 
whom  walking  is  not  merely  the  getting  over  so  much 
ground  in  a  given  time  at  a  certain  pace,  but  a  fine  art. 
Nothing  escaped  them.  The  earth,  air,  and  sky,  the 
rocks,  trees,  plants,  the  note  of  every  bird,  came  in  for 
a  share  of  notice.  They  botanized  a  little,  and  Sir 
Robert  whipped  out  a  trowel  that  he  had  brought,  and 
Miss  Noel  had  her  pocket-microscope  with  which  to 
inspect  each  treasure-trove  as  he  enthusiastically  trans 
ferred  it  either  to  his  pockets  or,  when  those  began  to 
overflow,  to  her  basket ;  and  both  were  quite  charmed 
by  "  the  plants  of  the  country."  They  found  a  fern 
just  beginning  to  uncurl  its  fronds  which  neither  of 
them  had  ever  seen  before,  and  which  awakened  an  in 
toxicating  hope  that  they  might  be  "the  first  to  intro 
duce  it  into  England  ;"  a  lily  something  like  their  own 
Thames  water-lily,  and  "  quite  worthy  of  an  English 
garden ;"  an  anemone  which  Sir  Robert  remembered  to 

18 


206  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

have  seen  in  Palestine  and  considered  to  be  the  one 
that  eclipsed  Solomon  in  all  his  glory ;  "  delicious"  bits 
of  moss,  "fascinating  fungi,"  and  delight  without  end. 
While  Sir  Kobert  was  cutting  off  buds,  twigs,  leaves, 
and  bits  of  bark  to  be  inspected  and  dissected  at  his 
leisure,  Mrs.  Sykes,  quite  fresh  from  Murchison  and 
Hugh  Miller,  was  interesting  herself  in  various  stones 
and  pebbles  which  she  had  observed  or  picked  up. 
Even  Ethel  and  the  two  young  men,  having  been 
trained  to  use  their  eyes,  found  a  great  deal  to  enjoy. 
The  scenery  was  by  no  means  unappreciated,  and  the 
ladies  did  a  little  sketching, — Miss  N"oel  making  two 
water-color  blurs  representing  nothing  whatever  to  the 
ordinary  eye,  and  Mrs.  Sykes  dashing  off  a  very  clever 
and  spirited  outline  of  a  view  that  pleased  her,  to  be 
worked  up  later.  The  "  spin"  was  an  affair  of  twelve 
miles,  and  they  came  back  to  a  late  luncheon  as  fresh, 
to  all  appearance,  as  when  they  started,  ravenous,  and 
delighted  to  have  gathered  more  than  thirty  plants 
quite  new  to  them. 

They  intended  to  repeat  the  experience  very  often, 
but  it  proved  the  only  quiet,  tranquil  episode  in  their 
stay,  for  their  letters  of  introduction,  having  been  pre 
sented,  met  with  an  immediate  and  generous  response, 
and  they  were  sucked  at  once  into  the  social  whirlpool, 
from  which  it  would  have  required  a  strong  effort  of 
will  to  release  themselves.  Invitations  of  every  kind 
fairly  rained  upon  them,  and  visitors  poured  in  without 
end.  They  dined  at  the  White  House, — at  least  some 
of  them  did, — at  their  own  minister's  and  other  minis 
ters',  went  to  parties  and  receptions  at  the  houses  of 
the  Cabinet  officers,  teas,  luncheons,  dejeuners-d-la-four- 


OA7   THIS  SIDE.  207 

chette,  Germans,  entertainments  innumerable,  to  say 
nothing  of  concerts  and  lectures  and  operas.  They  made 
acquaintance  with  hosts  of  people,  who  vied  with  each 
other,  it  seemed  to  them,  in  showing  them  every  kind 
ness  and  a  most  lavish  hospitality, — people  from  Maine 
and  California  and  Illinois  and  Cuba  and  the  countries 
lying  between, — very  charming  people  most  of  them,  and 
a  few  as  odd  as  possible,  Washington  being  a  net  that 
catches  every  kind  of  fish,  from  a  whale  to  a  minnow, 
and  some  varieties  rarely  seen  elsewhere.  They  dif 
fered  so  radically  from  each  other  in  appearance,  man 
ner,  voice,  and  speech,  and  opened  such  an  extensive 
field  for  observation  and  comparison,  that  Sir  Robert's 
search  for  a  national  type  became  a  very  serious  busi 
ness  indeed,  especially  as  so  many  other  things  claimed 
his  time  and  attention.  A  busier  baronet  was  never 
seen.  He  attended  the  Congressional  debates  and  took 
a  lively  interest  in  the  questions  discussed,  pronounced 
the  Senate  the  most  dignified  legislative  body  that  he 
had  ever  seen,  and  the  House  "  an  alert,  business-like, 
practical  set  of  fellows,  though  not  particularly  states 
man-like  in  appearance  and  behavior."  He  thought 
"  the  speaking  surprisingly  good,"  and  compared  the 
speakers  with  this  and  that  orator  in  the  French  Cham 
ber  of  Deputies  or  the  Reichstag.  He  made  "  thumb 
nail  sketches,"  as  he  called  them,  of  the  more  prominent 
members,  often  hitting  off  a  likeness  admirably  in  a 
few  lines,  and  a  precis  of  the  most  eloquent  speeches, 
for  the  diary,  together  with  an  account  of  the  lines 
upon  which  the  two  great  parties  were  laid  down,  and 
of  their  leaders.  He  looked  up  Indian  legends  at  the 
public  libraries,  and  transferred  euch  as  pleased  him  to 


208  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

the  diary.  He  went  all  over  the  Treasury,  and  in 
formed  himself  as  far  as  possible  about  the  <  -rrency, 
especially  its  more  interesting  features,  the  c  ins  now 
rare  and  no  longer  in  use,  such  as  the  Continen  .il  paper 
money,  the  pine-tree  shillings,  the  Granby  and  Carolina 
elephant  coppers,  the  golden  eagle  of  1796.  The  na 
tional  banks  and  the  financial  condition  of  the  country 
nad  to  be  looked  into,  and  the  result  was  recorded  in 
the  diary  in  facts  and  figures  that  would  have  satisfied 
Mr.  Gradgrind, — formidable  statements  that  fairly  bris 
tled  with  statistics,  tabulated  expositions  of  the  imports, 
exports,  cotton-,  tobacco-,  and  corn-crops  of  the  Tjnited 
States  for  about  fifty  years,  with  more  than  incidental 
mention  of  the  war  debt,  and  an  argument  in  favor  of 
a  national  floating  debt.  He  went  to  the  Patent-Office, 
and  came  back  with  his  head  one  nightmare  of  screws, 
rods,  boilers,  engines,  pistons,  patents,  to  express  in  the 
diary  a  profound  respect  for  "  the  amazing  inventive 
talent  of  the  Americans."  He  revelled  in  the  Smithso 
nian,  and  made  an  acquaintance  that  developed  into 
intimacy  with  a  savant  there,  "  who  laid  him  under  a 
considerable  obligation"  (vide  the  diary)  by  presenting 
him,  "  on  the  first  occasion  of  meeting,"  with  a  fish 
from  Lake  Champlain  of  a  period  when  it  was  a  la 
mode  for  fishes  to  wear  their  bones  externally,  as  Aus 
tralian  cherries  still  do  their  stones.  He  made  a  pilgrim 
age  to  Mount  "V  ernon,  and  the  diary  glowed  with  honest 
admiration  of  and  veneration  for  "  the  great  and  good 
Washington,  who  had  the  genius  of  Napoleon  without 
his  selfish  ambition  and  cruelty."  He  went  to  Arling 
ton  also,  and  proved  conclusively  in  the  diary  that 
"Washington  and  Lee  were  really  Englishmen  once 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  209 

removed."  He  carefully  measured  what  Mr.  Ramsay 
called  "  the  chimney  they  are  puttin'  up  down  by  the 
river  to  John  Washington,"  and  contrasted  it  in  .the 
diary  with  other  public  monuments  in  various  parts  of 
the  world.  He  got  histories,  maps,  geographies,  biog 
raphies,  and  went  about  his  American  studies  with  an 
energy  and  thoroughness  which  never  relaxed  during 
his  stay  in  the  country,  and  which  made  him  eventu 
ally  better  informed  about  it  than  ninety-nine  men  out 
of  a  hundred  born  in  it.  Englishmen  are  apt  to  be 
either  grossly  ignorant  of  it  or  to  know  it  in  this  way. 
And  with  all  this  he  returned  scrupulously  every  call 
made  upon  him,  neglected  none  of  the  social  duties,  and 
enjoyed  its  pleasures,  dining  nightly  with  judges,  pro 
fessors,  admirals,  generals,  Senators,  and  personages 
generally.  It  is  not  surprising  that  he  thought  Wash 
ington  "  an  uncommonly  pleasant  place,"  and  declared 
with  truth  that  he  "  met  every  day  a  great  number  of 
very  interesting  and  agreeable  people." 

As  for  the  young  people,  they  amused  themselves 
with  equal  success,  if  in  quite  different  ways.  Mr. 
Ramsay  achieved  his  usual  immediate  popularity.  The 
leader  of  the  German  paled  before  him.  If  he  could 
have  taken  himself  apart  in  sections,  like  a  telescope, 
he  could  not  have  accepted  half  his  invitations ;  and  at 
parties,  although  he  danced  badly  in  spite  of  the  most 
painstaking  attention  to  his  steps,  it  would  have  re 
quired  a  wheelbarrow,  almost,  to  carry  away  the  favors 
he  received.  Although  so  remarkably  handsome,  he 
was  not  conceited  or  spoiled,  but  so  perfectly  simple, 
natural,  and  human,  indeed,  that  as  an  ugly  man  he 
would  have  been  agreeable,  and  it  was  he  attracted  and 
o  18* 


210  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

pleased  everybody.  Mr.  Hoathcote  was  also  liked. 
Instead  of  keeping  up  his  London  habits  and  sharing 
the  immortality  of  the  famous  Hussar  regiment,  whose 
officers  give  beautiful  balls  and  attend  them,  but  only 
with  the  distinct  understanding  that  "  the  Tenth  don't 
dance,"  let  girls  sit  partnerless  and  hostesses  plead  as 
they  will,  he  suddenly  abandoned  the  Turkish  position 
entirely.  He  waltzed,  and  gallopaded,  and  quadrilled, 
and  would  have  polked  if  he  could  have  got  a  partner. 
He  tried  to  learn  several  new  dances,  and  might  have 
been  seen  twirling  away  like  a  "West  Point  cadet  until 
all  hours  in  the  morning,  when  there  could  be  no  phil 
anthropic  motive  whatever  for  such  exertions.  Part 
ners  were  plentiful,  and  it  seemed  to  him  that  he  was 
simply  being  numbered  with  the  fogies  by  holding  aloof; 
and  then  the  girls  were  so  pretty,  and  danced  so  well, 
and  the  floor  and  music  were  so  good ! 

As  for  Ethel,  whom  should  she  meet  at  her  very  first 
ball  but  the  young  officer  whom  Colonel  De  Witt  had 
presented  to  her  in  New  York,  Captain  Kendall!  A 
fortunate  encounter;  for,  accustomed  to  the  beautiful 
toilets,  bright  vivacity,  and  gracious  manners  of  Ameri 
can  girls,  the  men  present  were  rather  disposed  to  think 
Ethel  "  heavy,"  and  to  avoid  her  in  consequence.  She 
was  certainly  very  solid  in  tissue,  somewhat  stolid  and 
lymphatic  in  temperament,  unbecomingly  dressed,  and 
lacking  in  grace ;  yet  any  one  looking  below  the  sur 
face  could  not  but  have  felt  the  charm  of  her  sincerity 
and  simplicity,  would  have  noted  the  clear  truthfulness 
of  her  eyes,  the  perfection  of  her  complexion,  the  gen 
eral  refinement  of  her  face,  with  its  regular  features, 
and  hair  drawn  with  uncompromising  plainness  straight 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  211 

back  from  the  temples  to  be  coiled  in  a  low  knot.  The 
captain  had  certainly  done  so.  Her  shy  and  stiff  man 
ner  had  not  repelled  him,  her  sensible  and  thoughtful 
replies  pleased  him,  he  had  remembered  her  with  un 
common  distinctness,  and  was  more  than  satisfied  to 
find  her  in  Washington.  He  devoted  himself  to  her 
almost  exclusively  that  evening,  he  called  upon  her 
promptly  next  day,  and  caused  a  small  commotion  by 
asking  thoughtlessly  for  her  alone,  though  he  had  the 
pleasure  of  seeing  Miss  Noel  as  well.  He  would  have 
taken  her  to  the  theatre,  also  alone,  had  not  Miss  Noel, 
startled  by  these  unusual  demonstrations,  insisted  on 
her  declining,  Ethel  having  rejected  the  only  compro 
mise  offered, — namely,  that  she  should  "  take  Parsons 
along."  He  sent  her  very  lovely  bouquets,  and  might 
have  made  the  most  decided  impression  upon  a  very 
true  heart,  had  not  that  always  unmanageable,  univer 
sally  troublesome  organ  chosen  to  attach  itself  to  Mr. 
Ramsay,  whom  she  had  known  from  childhood,  who 
called  her  by  her  Christian  name  and  was  very  fond  of 
her  in  a  way,  though  not  at  all  in  the  same  way,  and 
who  was  entirely  unconscious  of  the  state  of  her  feel 
ings. 

Stimulated  by  Sir  Eobert's  industry,  as  well  as  by 
meeting  so  many  incarnations  of  American  geography 
in  the  persons  of  ladies  from  the  North  and  South,  East 
and  W.est,  Miss  Noel  got  a  huge  map,  which  she  tacked 
up  on  the  wall ;  also  a  paper  of  pins.  Every  time  any 
one  called,  she  would,  on  finding  out  where  they  were 
from,  stick  a  pin  at  once  in  her  map,  and  so  gradually 
got  quite  an  idea  of  the  overwhelming  whole.  "  You 
can't  think  what  a  capital  plan  it  is  for  one  who  is  dull 


212  0^"  BOTH  SIDES. 

and  hasn't  a  good  memory,"  she  said.  "  The  names  of 
the  places  are  so  very  odd,  and  the  distances  so  great, 
that  I  should  never  be  able  to  master  the  subject  ab 
stractly.  But  this  plan  answers  nicely,  and  impresses 
localities  on  my  mind  quite  wonderfully.  When  some 
one  says,  '  I  am  a  Californian,'  I  think,  '  Oh,  that  is  a 
place  I  know.  That  nice,  attractive  Mrs.  Hudson  lives 
there  that  told  me  about  the  vineyards,  and  the  Chinese 
servants,  and  the  marvellous  climate,  and  fruits,  and 
flowers.'  And  if  another  visitor  proves  to  be  a  Maine 
— what  do  you  say  ?  not  Maniac,  I  hope, — I  immediately 
say  to  myself,  '  That  very  superior  woman  Miss  Mar 
lowe  was  from  Maine ;  and  how  delightfully  she  talked 
of  the  forests,  and  the  loggers,  and  the  life  there!'  I 
shall  really  get  very  well  up  on  it  in  a  little  while,  and 
in  such  a  pleasant  way !  I  get  things  a  little  mixed 
sometimes,  but  one  must  expect  that ; — yesterday,  for 
instance,  when  I  asked  Mrs.  Blair  if  the  cotton-fields  of 
Massachusetts  were  not  very  beautiful  when  the  bolls 
were  maturing,  and  she  had  to  tell  me  that  I  was  talk 
ing  arrant  nonsense ;  not  in  those  words,  though :  she 
was  far  too  polite  for  that.  I  am  sure  I  saw  the  cotton- 
fields  of  Massachusetts  represented  in  a  panorama  once 
at  Bath,  called  '  America  in  Sixty  Views,'  to  which  I 
went  as  a  girl  with  dear  mamma.  There  was  a  dreadful 
slave-driver,  I  remember,  carrying  a  wand  with  an  iron 
tip  heated  red-hot,  and  the  blacks  all  wore  orange  and 
red  turbans,  poor  things !  But  perhaps  there  has  been 
some  great  change  of  climate,  owing  to  the  forests  hay 
ing  been  cut  down,  and  it  can  no  longer  be  grown  there. 
And  you  heard  Miss  Marlowe  laughing  at  me  for  say 
ing,  '  Kansaw,'  following  the  pronunciation  of  Arkan- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  213 

saw.  But  still  I  am  learning  a  great  deal  every  day, — 
learning  how  very  ignorant  I  am,  for  one  thing." 

"  If  you  consider  yourself  ignorant,  what  do  you 
think  of  the  gross  ignorance  of  the  American  women  ?" 
said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  They  know  nothing  of  the  natural 
productions  of  their  own  country  whatever.  Their 
knowledge  of  the  vegetable  world  is  confined  to  edibles, 
and  I  doubt  if  they  would  know  those  if  they  saw  them 
growing  in  the  garden.  As  for  the  rest,  I  don't  believe 
they  know  gorse  from  heather,  or  fungus  from  moss. 
You  know  that  you  have  not  been  able  to  get  any  in 
formation  about  the  plants  you  got  the  other  day,  ex 
cept  from  Miss  Marlowe.  Geology  they  have  barely 
heard  of.  I  haven't  met  one  who  knew  so  much  as  the 
order  in  which  the  strata  succeeded  each  other  from 
the  primitive  rocks  up  to  the  cretaceous,  tertiary,  and 
alluvial  formations,  or  the  principal  fossils  found  in  them. 
I  doubt  if  they  know  granite  from  chalk.  It  is  really 
lamentable !  They  are  merely  painted,  affected,  arti 
ficial  dolls ! — that  is  what  they  are, — extravagant  and 
idle  beyond  belief,  as  far  as  I  can  see.  I  can't  make  out 
how  they  ever  got  the  name  of  being  charming." 

Miss  Noel  conceded  that  the  fair  sex  in  America  had 
"  not  been  trained  to  love  and  observe  nature,"  but  sho 
qtoutly  defended  them  from  the  other  charges,  without, 
however,  succeeding  in  silencing  Mrs.  Sykes,  who  had 
mounted  her  favorite  cheval  de  bataille.  According  to 
her,  American  women  were  "most  disappointing"  in 
every  respect.  They  were  all  "too  pale,"  "too  thin," 
"  too  dark,"  too  something,  they  had  no  "  figgere,"  they 
were  "  forward,"  and  "  boisterous,"  and  "  vulgar,"  and 
"dreadfully  overrated."  But,  such  as  they  wore,  she 


214  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  would  say  one  thing  for  them,"  they  were  "  vastly 
superior  to  the  men," — whom  she  was  always  asking  to 
account  for  the  fact.  She  was  much  vexed  with  Miss 
Noel  sometimes  for  not  agreeing  with  her.  The  truth 
was  that,  while  Miss  Noel  regarded  everything  and 
everybody  in  her  own  kindly  fashion,  pleased  and  pleas 
ing,  liking  and  being  liked,  praising  where  she  could 
honestly  do  so,  and  excusing  the  faults  and  defects  that 
she  saw  for  the  sake  of  the  virtues  and  merits  that  so 
greatly  outweighed  them,  Mrs.  Sykes  looked  at  the  new 
world  in  which  she  found  herself  through  what  the 
Duke  of  Argyll  calls  "  the  glass  of  custom  and  tradi 
tional  opinion,"  a  short-sighted,  unfortunate  substitute 
for  that  large  vision  which  sees  the  traits,  peculiarities, 
habits,  customs,  manners — in  short,  the  social  and  po 
litical  condition — of  other  nations  than  one's  own 
through  a  sympathetic  and  therefore  true  medium,  and 
finds,  consequently,  much  that  is  deserving  of  admira 
tion  and  imitation  as  well  as  condemnation.  Too  many 
English  people  take  these  glasses  wherever  they  go,  and 
like  them  none  the  less  because  they  can  see  nothing 
but  England  through  them,  no  matter  what  part  of 
Europe,  Asia,  or  Africa  they  may- be  in.  Mrs.  Sykes 
had  a  pair  of  uncommon  magnifying  power.  If  a 
thing  was  "  English,"  it  was  superlatively  excellent. 
If  it  was  not  "  English,"  it  was  ridiculous  and  odious. 
All  the  inevitable  differences  between  England  and 
America  (neither  numerous  nor  striking  when  certain 
facts  are  remembered)  she  set  down  as  so  many  in 
stances  of  hopeless  degeneration  and  perversity.  The 
Virginians  of  to-day,  who  are  much  more  like  the  Eng 
lish  people  of  two  hundred  years  ago  than  the  present 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  215 

inhabitants  of  the  great  little  island,  might  with  equal 
justice  reproach  the  latter  with  having  changed  (as 
they  think)  for  the  worse  and  lost  that  fine  old  flavor 
of  rigid  conservatism  and  invincible  prejudice  which 
true  Britons  and  Churchmen  should  always  preserve  at 
any  cost. 

The  one  thing  that  Mrs.  Sykes  did  understand  and 
respect  in  America  was  its  riches.  Attentions  and  cour 
tesies  were  worse  than  wasted  upon  her.  So  utterly 
did  she  misinterpret  the  meaning  of  her  reception,  with 
all  its  delicate  thoughtfulness  and  generous  hospitality* 
that  she  only  grew  ruder,  more  patronizing,  more  in 
sufferable,  with  every  fresh  proof  of  what  she  chose  to 
regard  as  her  importance,  until  Miss  Noel  was  thor 
oughly  ashamed  of  her,  and  Sir  Eobert  protested  that 
if  he  had  known  what  sort  of  woman  she  was,  nothing 
could  have  induced  him  to  allow  her  to  join  his  party. 
She  was  not  sensitively  alive  to  their  disapproval,  how 
ever,  and  only  felt  herself  to  be  making  a  kind  of  royal 
progress  through  her  loyal  provinces,  receiving  the 
homage  that  was  her  due,  and  dispensing  such  scant 
approbation,  haughty  recognition,  or  severe  blame  aa 
became  her  position  and  as  the  circumstances  called  for. 
Still,  her  subjects  were  sometimes  perverse  and  rebel 
lious,  as  subjects  have  been  known  to  be.  A  good  many 
people  came  between  the  wind  and  her  nobility,  and 
nothing  was  ordered  quite  to  suit  her.  It  is  just  pos 
sible,  too,  that  in  spite  of  her  satisfaction  with  herself, 
her  French  dresses,  and  her  Mayfair  manners,  she  was 
vaguely  conscious  that  she  was  by  no  means  as  popular 
as  the  other  members  of  the  party.  She  would  have 
been  less  popular  still  if  the  people  who  were  showing 


216  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

her,  in  her  capacity  of  stranger,  various  attentions  could 
have  heard  her  saying  again  and  again,  "  How  tremen 
dously  we  are  being  run  after,  to  be  sure !  I  was  never 
so  made  up  to  in  all  my  life." 

Other  outlets  for  her  energies  soon  presented  them 
selves  besides  social  ones.  Miss  Noel  had  one  day 
wheeled  a  little  table  before  her,  and,  with  her  herba 
rium  outspread  on  it,  was -intently  classifying  and  ar 
ranging  a  new  acquaintance — half  pansy,  half  violet — 
which  she  was  loath  to  crush  between  two  stiff  boards, 
when  the  door  opened,  and  Mrs.  Sykes  burst  in  upon 
her,  looking  extremely  animated,  not  to  say  excited. 
"  "What  do  you  think  ?  Who  do  you  suppose  is  staying 
in  this  house  ?"  she  said.  "  The  most  wonderful  luck ! 
You'll  never  guess,  so  I  may  as  well  tell  you  at  once. 
A  Mormon  elder  from  Utah !  Isn't  it  delightful  ?  I  am 
quite  wild  about  it !  Such  a  chance!  I  shall  send  him 
my  card,  get  up  some  story  about  wishing  to  buy  prop 
erty  out  there,  or  something,  and  ask  to  see  him.  I 
dare  say  there  will  be  no  trouble  about  it ;  and  I  have 
dozens  of  things  to  ask  him." 

"  You  would  not  do  such  a  thing,  really  ?"  remonstrated 
Miss  Noel.  "  You  can't  mean  to  have  anything  to  say 
to  the  creature.  What  would  your  friends  at  home  say 
if  they  knew  it  ?" 

"  Oh,  they  wouldn't  mind,  at  all.  Most  of  them  would 
quite  envy  me  the  opportunity.  Besides,  it 'doesn't 
matter  much  what  one  does  over  here :  it  can't  affect 
one's  position  there,"  Mrs.  Sykes  replied. 

"  You  will  not  seek  the  man,  surely  ?"  said  Miss  Noel, 
horrified. 

"Oh,  won't  I,  just!"  said  Mrs.  Sykes.     "I'll  see  him 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  217 

before  another  twelve  hours  goes  over  my  head.  I  may 
go  out  there,  you  know,  and  he  would  be  very  useful  to 
me :  so  I  mean  to  butter  him  up  one  side  and  down  the 
other  beautifully,  and  play  my  cards  so  as  to  get  asked  to 
stay  at  his  house,  if  possible,  and  then  put  down  every 
thing  I  see.  I  should  adore  visiting  a  Mormon  family : 
shouldn't  you  ?" 

"  I  should  expect  the  roof  to  fall  in  upon  me.  Not 
for  any  consideration,  short  of  absolute  necessity  or  the 
clearest  demand  of  duty,  would  I  cross  such  a  thresh 
old,"  said  Miss  Noel.  "  I  don't  at  all  like  his  being  here. 
How  did  you  hear  of  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Sykes  made  no  reply.  She  would  not  have 
minded  giving  her  authority,  but  she  was  already  ab 
sorbed  in  her  prospective  interview,  and  was  maturing 
her  method  of  cross-examination  so  as  to  leave  nothing 
unasked  that  she  could  wish  to  know,  or  that  would 
add  to  the  interest  of  her  diary ;  not  that  she  adhered 
fanatically  to  facts  in  that  voluminous  record,  but  be 
cause  truth  in  this  case  might  be  far  more  dramatic 
than  any  of  her  fictions. 

Mrs.  Sykes  had  no  British  reserve,  or,  indeed,  reserve 
of  any  kind,  and  always  interrogated  everybody  pro 
miscuously  that  she  met  when  she  reached  a  place.  She 
had  just  learned  this  interesting  piece  of  information 
from  a  housemaid  whom  she  saw  gossiping  and  snig 
gering  in  the  hall  as  she  pointed  out  to  a  sister  maid  a 
tall,  dark,  severe-looking  man  of  the  most  rigid  aspect 
who  was  going  down-stairs.  All  that  day  she  thought 
of  scarcely  anything  else,  and  she  felt  that  Fortune 
favored  her  when,  the  following  morning,  as  she  was 
leaving  the  hotel-restaurant,  she  espied  through  an  open 
K  19 


218  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

door  the  object  of  her  deepest  interest,  reading  the 
papers  in  a  small  parlor  opening  into  the  passage  she 
was  traversing.  Without  a  moment's  indecision,  she 
walked  into  the  room.  "  Excuse  me  intruding  like  this," 
she  said  briskly.  "  Here  is  my  card.  I  am  travelling 
in  America,  and  I  wish  to  talk  with  you  particularly, 
if  you  are  not  too  much  engaged." 

The  gentleman  whom  she  addressed  looked  at  the 
card,  and  bowed  stiffly  as  he  said,  in  a  sepulchral  sort 
of  voice,  "  Be  seated,  madam :  I  am  at  your  service." 

"  I  have  heard  of  you,"  Mrs.  Sykes  began,  "  and  I 
have  been  curious  to  meet  you." 

The  stranger  bowed  solemnly  again  and  unbent  some 
what.  He  wondered  whether  his  arduous  service  ir 
and  devotion  to  a  certain  cause  were  getting  abroad. 

"  I  never  was  more  curious  than  I  have  been  to  see 
some  of  your  people,"  Mrs.  Sykes  went  on, — "  not  even 
the  Singhalese,  who  reverse  the  thing,  you  know.  I 
am  very  much  interested  in  them,  I  assure  you.  They 
must  be  quite  out  of  the  common, — the  life,  and  all 
that." 

"  If  you  are  making  any  stay  in  this  country,  madam, 
you  will  have  every  opportunity  of  making  their  ac 
quaintance  ;  and  I  trust  that  you  will  carry  back  with 
you  agreeable  impressions  of  the  American  people," 
replied  the  stranger,  with  the  national  desire  to  propi 
tiate  the  foreign  critic.  "  In  the  course  of  my  mission 
ary  labors  I  have  travelled  all  over  this  country  pretty 
much,  and  I  don't  think  there  can  be  a  more  beautiful 
or  prosperous  one  in  the  wide  world.  How  do  you  like 
what  you  have  seen  ?" 

"  Oh,  it's  all  very  well,  I  dare  say, — very  rough  and 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  219 

new,  of  course,  and  there  has  not  been  time  enough  to 
ornament  it  yet,  I  suppose.  But  you  were  saying  your 
missionary  labors  took  you  about  a  great  deal.  Have 
you  had  much  success  ?  Is  that  what  you  are  doing 
here  ?  I  should  think  that  you  would  do  better  in  the 
poorer  parts,  among  more  ignorant  people;  at  least  I 
have  been  informed  so,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes. 

"  I  have  done  very  well  in  Washington, — far  better 
than  I  had  thought  at  all  likely.  I  have  secured  in  a 
month's  stay  over  two  hundred  names.  It  is  true  that 
the  wealthy  do  not  respond  to  the  call  as  the  earnest 
of  more  moderate  means,  often  the  poor,  do ;  but  still 
I  have  no  reason  to  feel  discouraged,  and  I  would  like 
to  say  to  you — " 

The  stranger  was  interrupted  by  what  he  felt  to  be  a 
rude  and  frivolous  demonstration  on  the  English  lady's 
part.  Mrs.  Sykes  had  thrown  herself  back  on  the  sofa, 
and  she  laughed  unrestrainedly  as  he  spoke. 

"  It  is  no  sort  of  use  appealing  to  me ;  none  whatever," 
she  said,  and  laughed  afresh.  "  What  fun  it  will  be  to 
tell  them  of  it  at  home !"  she  thought. 

"  Very  well.  I  never  intrude  myself  upon  persons 
who  are  prejudiced  against  the  cause.  It  is  useless,  and 
does  more  harm  than  good,"  said  the  stranger,  with 
dignity. 

"  Quite  so,"  agreed  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  And,  now  that 
there  is  no  question  of  making  a  '  'vert,'  I  should  like 
to  ask  you  a  few  questions  immensely.  I  suppose  yours 
is  very  flourishing  society,  and  gaining  in  numbers  and 
influence  every  day  ?" 

"  It  is,  I  am  glad  to  say." 

"  And  you  don't  think  it  a  shame  and  a  scandal  to  be 


220  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

running  about  the  country  on  such  an  errand  ?  You 
feel  that  you  are  doing  religion  a  service,  e.h  ?" 

"  Certainly ;  most  certainly.  How  could  I  think  any 
thing  else  ?  How  could  anybody  ?" 

"  Well,  that  is  a  matter  of  opinion,  you  knoAv,"  said 
Mrs.  Sykes.  "  A  good  many  people  disagree  with  you. 
You  are  married,  of  course  ?" 

"I  am  a  widower,  madam,"  replied  the  lugubrious 
one,  much  surprised. 

"  Not  much  of  one,  I  suppose,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes  viva 
ciously.  "  You  will  be  taking  another  in  that  one's 
place  shortly,  shall  you  not?  How  many  have  you 
had?" 

"  I  lost  my  all  a  few  months  ago.  I  shall  not  marry 
again,"  affirmed  the  stranger,  with  decision,  wondering 
whether  the  lady  before  him  "  could  possibly — well,  ex 
actly — "  He  did  not  frame  the  thought  more  clearly. 

"  You  don't — you  can't  mean  to  say  that  you  have 
only  had  one  wife  ?"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Sykes,  feeling  it 
impossible  that  she  should  be  so  grossly  defrauded. 

"Two,  madam.'  Both  dead  now,"  sighed  the  unfor 
tunate  husband.  "Amiable,  excellent  women,  both  of 
them, — helpmates  in  the  truest  sense  of  the  word,  but 
gone  now,  gone  to  the  better  country." 

"  Only  two  f  Why,  I  thought  you  would  have  had 
at  least  a  dozen!"  expostulated  Mrs.  Sykes  in  a  most 
aggrieved  voice,  deprived  of  an  expected  sensation. 

"  A  dozen,  madam !  May  I  ask  what  you  mean  by 
«uch  an  extraordinary  speech  ?"  demanded  the  stranger. 

"Extraordinary?  Not  extraordinary  at  all.  Aren't 
yon  a  Mormon  elder,— Elder  Stebbins,  from  Salt  Lake, 
— pray  ?"  replied  Mrs.  Sykes,  with  spirit. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  221 

"  No,  madam.  Permit  me  to  inform  you  that  I  am 
nothing  of  the  sort ;  nothing  of  the  sort,  madam.  I 
am  the  agent  of  the  American  Tract  Society,  madam, 
and  a  Presbyterian  minister,"  said  the  stranger,  with 
heat. 

"  How  very  tiresome !  How  disappointing !  Why 
didn't  you  say  so  at  once  ?"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Sykes,  in 
dignant  as  at  a  deception  attempted  instead  of  an 
impertinence  achieved  ;  and,  without  a  word  of  explana 
tion  or  apology,  she  swept  out  of  the  room,  leaving  a 
highly  respectable  member  of  society  almost  paralyzed 
by  the  interview. 

Mrs.  Sykes's  sense  of  humor  was  not  strong ;  but  when 
her  vexation  had  worn  off  at  the  untoward  result  of 
investigations  conducted  in  a  perfectly  business-like 
spirit,  she  related  amusingly  enough  to  her  companions 
her  late  adventure.  "  To  think  of  my  having  got  hold 
of  a  '  meenister'  of  the  Kirk,  a  dreadful  old  tombstone 
of  a  man,  and  bored  myself  like  that,  and  wasted  all 
that  time !  It  is  really  too  provoking,  and  yet,  in  a 
way,  laughable,"  she  said. 

"  I  hope  you  mean  to  write  him  a  note  of  apology. 
He  must  have  been  scandalized ;  and  no  wonder,"  sug 
gested  Miss  Noel.  "  You  owe  it  to  him,  really.  Pray 
do  it  at  once." 

"  Oh,  dear,  no  ;  I  shan't  bother  about  him  any  more. 
But  how  can  I  get  to  see  the  other  one?  I  had  rather 
it  seemed  accidental,  if  it  can  be  managed,"  replied 
Mrs.  Sykes  reflectively. 

So  well  did  she  apply  herself  to  this  problem  that, 
aided  by  Mr.  Many,  she  conceived  and  carried  out  that 
very  day  a  plan  for  seating  herself  at  the  same  table 

19* 


222  OAT  BOTH  SIDES. 

with  the  elder,  fell  most  casually  into  conversation  with 
him,  and  displayed  some  ingenuity  as  well  as  exercised 
unusual  self-restraint  in  making  her  inquiries.  But, 
alas !  she  was  not  the  first  person  who  had  tried  this 
little  game.  The  saint,  a  very  commonplace-looking 
person,  answered  politely  enough  the  initial  questions 
about  the  climate,  scenery,  and  industries  of  Utah  ;  but 
when,  warming  with  her  subject,  Mrs.  Sykes  fired  a 
whole  group  of  interrogation-points  at  him,  all  bearing 
directly  upon  his  most  private  and  personal  affairs  and 
peculiar  religious  views,  the  elder  quietly  informed  her 
that  he  made  it  a  point  never  to  gratify  gentile  curiosity 
about  his  domestic  arrangements,  and,  without  further 
ceremony,  left  the  room,  to  her  great  disgust. 

"  It  doesn't  signify  in  the  least,"  she  reported.  "  1 
am  going  out  there,  and  trust  me  for  finding  out  all 
there  is  to  know.  But  fancy  his  impertinence !  And 
— do  you  know  ?  it  is  a  curious  thing — he  spoke  with 
a  Devonshire  accent.  I  meant  to  ask  him  about  it,  only 
he  took  himself  off  so  suddenly." 

It  was  a  sensation  for  the  entire  party  when,  later  in 
the  day,  the  elder  sought  out  Sir  Robert  and  announced 
that  he  had  been  born  on  his  estate,  and  had  lived  there 
until  he  was  a  lad  of  twelve,  when  he  ran  away  to 
London  and  from  there  had  eventually  come  to  America. 
Sir  Robert  with  some  difficulty  recalled  him  as  "  old 
Widow  Pratt's  grandchild ;"  and  the  elder  asked  effu 
sively  after  "  the  old  place"  and  such  people  as  he  re 
membered.  He  answered  in  his  turn  all  the  questions 
put  by  the  baronet,  and  offered  to  do  the  honors  of 
Utah  should  he  come  there.  He  also  asked  who  Mrs. 
Sykes  was,  and  remarked  that,  she  was  "  a  rare  one  for 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  223 

pokiu'  and  pryin'  into  other  folks'  business ;  but  he  was 
not  going  '  te-u'  give  her  any  satisfaction." 

Before  leaving,  he  also  expressed  a  whole  political 
essay  in  his  imperfect  fashion.  He  had  given  much 
cogitation  to  the  pros  and  cons  of  expatriation,  first  and 
last ;  and,  although  no  longer  a  British  subject,  he  had 
enough  loyalty  left  to  be  offended  and  perplexed  by  a. 
rumor  that  had  reached  him. 

"  They  tell  me,  sir,  that  her  majesty  has  written  a, 
book  that  can  be  had  for  fifteen  cents,"  he  said,  and 
then,  after  a  moment's  reflection,  added,  "  It  was  time 
to  leave." 

On  the  strength  of  the  tie  between  them,  Sir  Robert 
went  so  far  as  to  remonstrate  with  his  late  tenant  on 
his  faith  and  practice,  but  quite  without  effect. 

"  God  bless  my  soul !  I  can't  get  over  it.  I  remember 
him  a  curly-headed,  rosy-cheeked  little  beggar,  hanging 
over  the  fence  with  his  hands  full  of  buttercups.  And 
to  think  of  him  now !  He  is  a  precious  rascal,  of  course, 
but  I  was  rather  glad  to  see  the  fellow,  I  must  confess," 
said  the  baronet  to  Miss  Noel. 

Mrs.  Sykes  met  the  elder  in  the  hall  after  hearing  all 
this. 

"  Ah,  Stebbins !  Is  that  you  ?"  she  said,  stopping  him 
promptly  and  putting  up  her  glass,  as  if  uncertain 
about  so  insignificant  an  identity.  "  Sir  Robert  has 
been  telling  me  of  you.  Quite  a  romance,  to  be  sure. 
Very  likely  I  shall  be  out  in  Utah  before  long,  and  you 
may  be  of  service  to  me  in  some  little  ways." 

Stebbins  shuffled  his  feet  awkwardly  and  blushed, 
and  then  habit,  the  habit  that  is  second  nature,  asserted 
itself.  He  was  no  longer  a  Mormon  elder,  no  longer  an 


224  ON  BOTH  SIDES 

American  citizen ;  he  was  just  "  Stebbius,"  "Widow 
Pratt's  grandson,  "  one  of  the  lower  classes,"  and  Mrs. 
Sykes  was  Sir  Eobert's  acquaintance  and  equal. 

"  Yery  w'ell,  mem.  Let  me  know  when  you  come," 
he  muttered,  and  so  shuffled  away,  uneasy,  but  subju 
gated  by  one  blow  from  the  lion's  paw.  Mrs.  Sykes's 
change  of  attitude  had  forced  from  him  the  natural, 
involuntary  tribute  that  an  ex-private  pays  to  a  general 
officer  when  his  hand  flies  to  his  cap  in  a  military  salute 
before  he  has  time  to  reflect  that  he  is  out  of  the 
service. 

"  The  idea  of  my  wasting  civilities  on  Stebbins !"  said 
the  victorious  Mrs.  Sykes,  giving  an  account  of  the 
way  she  had  "  sat  upon"  the  elder,  "  and  of  his  being 
so  uppish  to-day.  He'll  not  presume  again,  I  warrant ; 
and  I'll  make  use  of  him." 

"Ah,  that  was  before  the  Mormon  conquest,"  Sir 
Eobert  replied  laughingly.  "  Stebbins  may  be  founding 
an  aristocracy,  or  helping  to,  out  in  Utah,  for  all  we 
know.  You  should  be  careful  how  you  offend  him. 
Curious  problem  that,  the  Mormon  one,  and  growing 
more  serious  every  day,  I  hear.  Perhaps  history  will 
be  talking  of  the  Mormon  conquest  in  earnest  some 
day.  Given  unlimited  fanaticism  and  unlimited  pros 
perity,  and  why  not  ?  The  government  does  not  seem 
able  to  cope  with  it  at  present,  from  all  I  can  gather. 
It  strikes  me,  looking  on  the  surface,  that  it  is  a  weak 
administration;  or  perhaps  the  fault  lies  deeper, — I 
think  it  does  myself, — in  the  republican  principles  un 
derlying  it.  I  keep  my  eyes  open,  I  observe  for  myself, 
and  several  things  have  struck  me.  The  people  seem 
to  have  no  respect  for  the  authoi'ities ;  and  that  is  a 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  225 

bad  sign.  Only  yesterday  I  heard  his  Excellency  the 
President  grossly  ridiculed  by  a  cabman ;  and  having 
occasion  to  get  into  the  tram, — not  that  I  take  it  if  I 
have  three  '  blocks,'  as  they  say  here,  to  go,  like  the 
Americans,  but  I  was  some  miles  off  and  late  for  dinner, 
— well,  in  it  were  two  young  fellows  who  were  chaffing 
each  other  all  the  way.  And  one  of  them  said,  '  Billy, 
why  don't  you  get  yourself  up  in  style,  and  wear  a 
diamond  pin  and  a  stove-pipe  hat  and  sport  a  gold- 
headed  cane  ?'  And  his  friend  said,  '  What  do  you  take 
me  for  ?  Do  you  take  me  for  a  member  of  Congress  ? 
I  wouldn't  be  found  dead  in  that  rig.  I  am  sorry  my 
style  doesn't  suit  you ;  but  I  get  fifty  dollars  a  month, 
and  I  am  poor,  but  honest,  instead  of  coming  of  rich 
but  respectable  parents.'  I  understood.  Official  corrup 
tion,  you  see.  This  morning,  too,  when  that  negress 
brought  home  my  washing,  she  surprised  me  by  asking 
if  I  had  any  influence.  '  Influence,  my  good  woman!'  I 
said;  'what  do  you  want  with  influence?  Whose  in 
fluence  do  you  want  ?'  '  I  wants  infloonce,  sah.  I  wants 
to  get  de  Patent-Office  washin' ;  dat's  what  I  wants  in 
floonce  fur,'  she  said. 

"  A  remarkable  state  of  affairs,  is  it  not,  my  dear 
Augusta  ?  I  was  talking  of  it  with  a  member  of  the 
Upper  House  last  night  at  dinner,  and  he  admitted 
that  everything  wras  got  by  political  influence.  He 
seemed  a  good  deal  amused,  I  thought,  but  still  there 
was  the  fact.  And  he  granted  that  the  civil  service 
of  America  was  not  in  an  ideal  condition.  Merit,  length 
of  service,  and  fitness  for  it  count  for  very  little,  1 
judge;  and  the  fact  that  the  thousands  of  govern 
ment  employees  in  this  place  alone  live  with  the  sword 


226  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

of  Damocles  suspended  above  their  heads,  good,  bad, 
and  indifferent,  the  public  servant  of  three  months  and 
thirty  years  alike,  speaks  for  itself.  It  is  not  only  that 
they  have  no  assured  future  in  the  shape  of  pensions 
and  regular  promotion,  but  that  they  have  no  present. 
They  can  make  no  plans,  they  dare  not  establish 
themselves  in  homes  that  may  have  to  be  broken  up 
any  day ;  and  they  are  quite  as  liable  to  be  dismissed 
for  no  fault  as  for  the  gravest  offence.  How  such  a 
service  manages  to  get  or  keep  intelligent,  conscientious, 
and  faithful  servants  is  a  mystery  to  me.  I  have  learned 
all  this  from  a  good  many  sources,  and,  wishing  to 
verify  it,  asked  my  host  last  night,  a  member  of  Con 
gress  with  whom  I  dined  at  Waelcker's,  whether  my 
information  was  correct.  He  admitted  reluctantly  that 
it  was.  A  very  well  informed  man,  an  able  man  1 
should  say,  who  would  give  trouble  on  the  opposition 
bench,  but  he  did  a  most  extraordinary  thing !  I  was 
never  so  taken  aback  in  my  life.  It  was  after  dinner, 
and  I  was  waiting  for  the  servant  to  bring  me  a  light 
for  my  cigar,  when  he  positively  drew  a  match  across 
the  sole  of  his  boot  and  offered  it  to  me,  saying,  'Here 
you  are.  Go  ahead.'  A  thing  I  should  have  discharged 
a  footman  for,  and  very  embarrassing  in  a  host.  He 
meant  nothing  by  it,  I  saw,  any  more  than  by  another 
thing  later,  when  I  asked  for  a  glass  of  water,  and,  the 
butler  not  hearing,  he  nodded  toward  me,  and  said  to 
the  man,  '  Give  him  some  water,'  in  the  most  cavalier 
fashion,  and  went  on  with  his  conversation.  Just  so. 
As  to  matches,  I  see  that  an  American  will  draw  a 
match  anywhere.  I  do  not  think  his  mother's  grave 
would  be  safe  from  it." 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  227 

The  dinner-party  to  which  Sir  Robert  alluded  was 
anything  but  a  tame  affair,  and,  although  bo  did  not 
know  it,  he  himself  had  somewhat  grated  upon  the 
sensibilities  of  his  host. 

One  of  the  guests,  also  a  member  (with  a  rabid  dis 
like  to  England),  was  not  long  in  directing  the  con 
versation  into  international  channels,  and  inevitably 
odious  comparisons  were  soon  drawn, — mildly  by  the 
baronet,  as  if  it  were  not  worth  while  to  insist  too 
ardently  upon  the  value,  stability,  and  perfection  of 
English  institutions,  any  more  than  upon  the  value  of 
the  sun  to  the  earth,  strongly  by  the  member,  who 
defended  everything  American  promiscuously,  because 
it  was  American,  with  immense  spirit, — with  so  much 
energy,  indeed,  that  the  glasses  rattled  as  if  in  a  San 
Franciscan  earthquake  as  he  brought  his  fist  down  on 
the  table  with  more  and  more  emphasis.  A  looker-on 
could  not  but  have  been  amused  to  see  the  two  men, — 
the  member  burly  and  pugnacious,  his  elbows  on  the 
table,  one  sleeve  pulled  up  nervously  a  little,  a  clinched 
hand,  doubled  up  in  a  way  to  show  nails  anything  but 
immaculate,  flushed  of  face,  pushing  away  the  plates 
and  glasses,  and  laying  down  the  law  as  if  it  were  the 
gospel  and  there  could  be  no  mistake  in  his  assertions 
or  appeal  from  his  decisions  ;  Sir  Robert  as  cool  as  the 
ice  that  tinkled  in  his  glass,  genuinely,  not  affectedly, 
indifferent,  presenting  a  politely  impassive  exterior,  and 
offending  far  more  by  saying  too  little  than  if  he  had 
said  too  much,  while  he  imperturbably  ate  and  drank, 
exchanged  parenthetic  courtesies  with  his  neighbors  on 
the  right  and  left,  begged  pardon  for  the  momentary 
inattention,  and  displayed  other  advantages  besides  the 


228  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

physical  one  of  handsome  hands  with  nails  as  pink  and 
polished  as  a  girl's. 

It  was  not  until  "  that  quarrelsome,  unpleasant  fellow." 
as  Sir  Eobert  mentally  dubbed  the  vehement  member, 
had  poured  out  the  last  phial  of  his  wrath  that  discus 
sion  or  conversation  became  possible,  and  then  the 
national  colors  fell  into  the  hands  of  "  the  member  of 
the  Upper  House,"  whose  reserved  and  dignified  bearing 
had  already  contrasted  Conspicuously  with  that  of  his 
colleague  throughout.  The  Senator  had  been  listening 
to  the  member  with  the  intellectual  impatience  of  a 
clever  man  who  sees  a  good  cause  weakened  in  the 
defence,  and  was  not  sorry  to  have  an  opportunity  of 
setting  things  right.  A  lawyer  of  distinction,  an 
authority  on  international  law,  thoroughly  familiar 
with  English  politics,  diplomacy,  history,  with  either 
no  temper  at  all  or  one  that  he  kept  habitually  on  ice, 
and  an  intellect  of  a  high  order,  highly  trained  and 
disciplined,  he  entered  the  lists  with  no  fanfaronade 
whatever,  and  dropped  rather  than  threw  down  the 
glove,  as  if  by  accident.  There  was  no  direct,  intem 
perate  assault  now,  no  apparent  partisanship,  not  so 
much  as  an  insinuation  that  could  anger.  The  Senator 
was  not  bitter  or  scornful,  wearisome  or  dictatorial. 
He  did  not  enter  into  long  expositions  or  protracted 
arguments.  When  Sir  Robert  spoke,  he  listened  to 
perfection,  intelligently  and  quietly,  interjecting  now 
and  then  a  calm  assent  to  some  statement,  or  a  courteous 
objection,  a  brief  palliative  of  some  damaging  fact  or 
explanation  of  a  particular  point.  And  when  his  own 
turn  came,  he  gave  full  and  eloquent  expression  to  his 
views,  and  handled  the  subject  with  the  felicity  of 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  229 

illustration  and  apt  repartee  of  a  wit,  the  breadth  of  a 
statesman,  the  ease  of  a  man  of  the  world.  The  keen, 
cool,  rapier-like  play  of  his  mind,  so  skilful  of  thrust 
and  parry,  so  adroit  of  fence,  so  swift  to  see  and  sure  to 
pierce  the  weak  or  unguarded  points,  and  the  vigorous 
and  able  resistance  offered  by  his  opponent,  made  the 
conversation  a  delightful  one,  and  the  other  men  present 
felt  all  the  interest  and  fascination  of  such  a  contest, 
and  some  justifiable  pride  in  their  brilliant  champion. 
Did  Sir  Robert  arraign  the  Indian  policy  of  America 
before  the  bar  of  justice,  the  Senator  had  a  Eoland  for 
his  Oliver  in  the  Indian  policy  of  England.  Did  Sir 
Eobert  deprecate  the  possible  annexation  of  Canada  or 
Mexico  by  the  United  States  as  "  unpardonable  rapacity," 
and  insist  on  the  moral  right  of  the  feeblest  State  to  the 
preservation  of  its  autonomy  and  the  management  of 
its  own  affairs,  the  Senator  was  able  to  show  that  the 
invariable  policy  of  England  had  always  been  to  get  all 
she  could  and  keep  all  she  got,  and  took  it  for  granted 
that  Sir  Eobert  was  a  Home  Euler.  Was  it  a  question 
of  bribery  and  corruption  in  American  elections,  the 
Senator  was  ready  with  extracts  from  Parliamentary 
reports  and  respectable  English  journals,  showing  that 
the  "right  little,  tight  little  island"  was  not  Arcadia, 
or  Liberals  and  Conservatives  on  one  side  of  the  water 
much  purer  and  nobler  than  Eepublicans  and  Democrats 
on  the  other.  And  so  on  with  various  issues  and 
questions,  until  a  break  of  some  kind  made  the  talk 
general  again. 

This  had  hardly  been  done  when  the  member,  who 
was  as  dull  as  he  was  dogmatic,  and  had  not  been  over- 
pleased  at  having  the  part  of  principal  in  the  late  duel 

20 


230  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

taken  out  of  his  hands,  brought  up  what  he  considered 
a  Krupp,  and,  a  jyropos  of  nothing,  stated  that  the  Eng 
lish  had  blown  five  regiments  of  Sepoys  from  their 
guns  after  the  Mutiny.  To  this  Sir  Kobert  deigned  no 
response  whatever,  but  the  Senator  pared  it  down  to  its 
proper  proportions,  and  the  host  whisked  the  company 
off  on  a  siding  by  asking  if  Sir  Robert  had  been  to 
Mount  Vernon.  Sir  Eobert  had  enjoyed,  he  would  not 
say  that  pleasure,  but  that  honor,  and  had  seen  as  well 
the  "  home  of  the  great  Virginian,  Lee." 

Some  one  now  began  speaking  of  the  various  Presi 
dents  and  their  administrations ;  and,  Johnson  being 
mentioned,  the  member  expressed  an  ardent  admiration 
of  him,  and  stated,  with  the  uncalled-for  emphasis  that 
characterized  any  expression  of  his  opinions,  that  John 
son  was  the  "  finest"  President  the  countiy  had  ever 
had,  and  was  as  "  perfect  a  gentleman  as  ever  stepped." 

Why  this  particular  speech  should  have  annoyed  Sir 
Eobert  rather  than  the  others,  there  is  no  knowing,  but 
it  was  certainly  distasteful  to  him.  "  It  takes  nine 
tailors  to  make  a  man ;  I  don't  know  how  many  would 
be  required  to  make  a  gentleman,"  he  said,  his  side- 
whiskers  bristling  a  little  and  his  mouth  drawn  down 
at  the  corners.  "  A  man  of  integrity,  a  man  of  talent, 
if  you  like." 

"  An  elegant  gentleman,  every  inch  of  him,"  insisted 
the  member,  determined  not  to  abate  a  jot  or  tittle  of 
the  ex-Presid  3nt's  aristocratic  claim. 

"  You  carrit  mean  to  call  the  fellow  a  gentleman  /" 
i$aid  Sir  Robert  incredulously,  laying  do\vn  his  knife 
and  fork  and  looking  at  the  member. 

"  As  much  of  a  gentleman  as  you  are,  or  me,  or  any- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  231 

body!"  shouted  the  member,  and  added  a  past  participle 
that  need  not  be  given  here,  and  a  most  awful  thump 
on  the  table. 

Sir  Robert  had  gone  far  enough,  he  thought, — a  good 
deal  farther  than  he  had  intended,  he  knew.  But  he 
hated  to  retreat.  "  Ah !  yes,  to  be  sure,"  he  said. 
"  Just  as  you  please.  As  much  of  a  gentleman  as  you 
are,  as  you  say.  I  yield  the  point.  Here  is  his  very 
good  health,"  (sipping  his  sherry).  "  Is  he  still  alive, 
by  the  bye  ?"  (To  the  Senator),  "  How  completely  out 
of  office  seems  to  mean  out  of  sight  and  mind  in  the 
^ase  of  Presidents !  At  least  we  never  hear  of  them  at 
home  afterward.  It  is  oblivion  not  even  tempered  by 
revolution  or  assassination.  You  remember  that  squib 
in  '  Punch'  about '  Abdul  Aziz  and  Abdul  as  was'  ?  When 
I  was  in  the  East — "  Sir  Robert  grew  agreeably  rem 
iniscent  for  a  while,  and  so  got  off  the  ground  that 
sounded  so  hollow  beneath  his  feet. 

Later  in  the  evening,  however,  he  said  to  the  Senatoi, 
"  Talking  of  politicians,  who  is  this  Honorable  Alfred 
Hodges,  of  the  State  of  Oheeo,  that  I  have  been  reading 
about  in  the  papers  ?  He  seems  to  be  very  celebrated 
over  here,  though  quite  unknown  to  me.  Let  me  see . 
I  think  I  have  got  about  me  a  cutting  from  the  morning 
paper  that  tells  of  him."  He  looked  in  his  pocket-book 
as  he  spoke,  and  produced  a  paragraph  which  he  read 
aloud,  and  which  stated  that  the  Honorable  Alfred 
Hodges  was  "  the  equal  of  Clay,  "Webster,  Calhoun,  or 
Crittenden,"  that  he  was  "  a  man  of  matchless  eloquence 
and  acute  mentality"  as  well  as  "adamantine  princi 
ple,"  that  he  was  sweeping  everything  before  him  in 
his  own  "  section,"  and  was  to  be  the  next  candidate  for 


232  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

President,  although  he  abhorred  public  life  and  would 
never  have  sought  any  office  had  he  been  left  in  the 
obscurity  so  congenial  to  him,  instead  of  being  carried 
forward  struggling  by  his  friends.  The  Senator  listened 
with  a  smile.  Most  Americans  have  heard  these  limpid, 
artless  versions  of  the  eternal  verities,  and  he  was  not 
startled. 

When  Sir  Robert  had  restored  it  to  its  place,  where 
a  good  many  other  choice  items  were  waiting  to  be 
embodied  in  the  diary,  he  dryly  said,  "  The  Honorable 
Alfred,  in  the  first  place,  is  not  an  Honorable ;  in  the 
second,  he  is  a  local  politician  of  no  particular  note ;  in 
the  third,  he  is  advocating  with  his  '  adamantine  prin 
ciples'  the  repudiation  of  the  State  debt.  That  waiter 
yonder  will  be  President  as  soon  as  he.  And  as  for 
office,  there  is  not  one  so  mean  that  he  would  not  cringe 
to  his  worst  enemy  and  deceive  his  best  friend  to  get  it, 
if  he  could  not  get  a  better.  His  is  the  old  definition — 
Politics,  the  art  of  getting  a  place ;  Patriot,  a  candidate 
for  that  place." 

"  Is  that  an  American  saying  ?  If  so,  universal  suf 
frage  has — "  began  Sir  Robert. 

"  That  is  Fielding,  my  dear  Sir  Robert,"  replied  the 
Senator,  with  a  bow. 

The  two  men  laughed. 

" '  I  owe  you  one,'  as  Dr.  Ollapod  would  say.  But 
really,  now,  a  gifted,  powerful  demagogue  like  that  may 
do  a  lot  of  mischief.  A  dangerous  fellow,  I  should  think, 
— a  great  orator,  and  so  unscrupulous,"  Sir  Robert  con 
tinued. 

"He  is  not  at  all  dangerous,  I  assure  you.  And  I 
never  heard  a  more  ordinary  speaker.  A  penny 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  233 

trumpet,  believe  me,  to  which  no  one  pays  much  atten 
tion." 

"You  surprise  me!  The  newspaper  speaks  as  re 
spectfully  of  him  as  though  he  were  a  Gladstone  or 
Eeaconsfield,"  said  Sir  Eobert. 

"Ah!  yes.  Newspapers  must  be  newspapers,  you 
know.  And  politics  will  be  politics." 

"Well,  say  what  you  please  about  politics,  for  real 
freedom  and  individual  liberty — mark  you,  I  don't  say 
license — there  is  no  place  like  England,"  concluded  Sir 
Robert,  with  conviction. 

Late  as  it  was  when  he  got  back  to  his  hotel,  ho 
found  a  gentleman  waiting  to  see  him,  in  the  shape  of 
a  reporter,  wrho  had  been  instructed  to  "  interview"  him 
and  find  out  whether  the  rumor  that  he  owned  seven 
hundred  thousand  acres  in  Wyoming,  and  represented 
an  English  syndicate  bent  upon  buying  five  million 
acres  more,  was  true  or  not ;  also  his  opinion  of  the 
Rugby  Colony,  its  founder,  and  a  dozen  other  subjects, 
germane  and  foreign  to  it.  "  The  representative  of  the 
'  Columbia  Eagle,'  "  as  introduced  by  himself,  was  a  very 
tired  and  sleepy  young  man,  who  had  been  sitting,  pen 
gii  and  book  in  hand,  for  more  than  an  hour  waiting  for 
Sir  Robert  to  come  in,  and  who  was  not  unnaturally 
anxious  to  dispatch  the  business  in  hand  as  soon  as 
possible  and  recoup  himself  by  a  little  supper  and  such 
slumber  as  might  follow.  Long  experience  of  the  crass 
dulness  and  almost  inconceivable  vanity,  garrulity,  and 
rudeness  of  the  "  interviewed"  (of  which  little  account 
is  taken  in  estimating  the  crime  of  the  unhappy  re 
porter  who  earns  an  honest  living  by  the  sweat  of  his 
soul,  often)  may  have  had  its  effect  upon  the  gentleman, 

20* 


234  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

who,  with  a  brief  explanation  of  his  mission,  said,  with 
brisk,  business-like  directness,  '  I  tell  you  what  you 
want  to  do.  You  need  not  talk  at  all.  You  just  answer 
my  questions,  and  I'll  fix  the  rest." 

It  certainly  would  have  saved  a  great  deal  of  trouble 
if  the  baronet  had  acted  on  this  suggestion  in  all  sim 
plicity  and  sincerity.  But  in  all  that  related  to  his 
private  affairs  Sir  Robert  was  almost  as  reserved  as  the 
Englishman  whose  servant  told  an  inquiring  friend  that 
his  master  was  dead,  but  did  not  wish  it  to  be  generally 
known.  He  abhorred  such  English  papers  as  were  said 
to  have  adopted  "  the  American  method"  and  dealt  in 
personalities  disguised  as  "  fashionable  intelligence." 

"  To  think  that  a  man  cannot  be  the  heir  to  the 
throne  or  the  Premier  of  England  without  being  like  a 
beetle  under  a  microscope  and  having  a  calcium  light 
cast  continually  upon  his  home  is  bad  enough;  but 
when  it  comes  to  describing  a  private  gentleman's  bed 
room  and  telling  the  world  that  he  always  uses  Pears' 
soap  and  Turkish  towels  at  his  bath,  I,  for  one,  will  do 
something  more  than  complain  of  the  insufferable  im 
pertinence.  I  will  prosecute  to  the  full  extent  of  the 
law  any  one  presuming  to  show  me  up  in  the  publiw 
prints  before  I  have  done  something  to  disgrace  myself," 
he  would  say. 

As  the  owner  of  a  "  show  place,"  Sir  Eobert  had  his 
trials,  and,  in  the  spirit  of  the  ancestor  who  had  built 
the  beautiful  old  house  in  which  he  lived  and  had  then 
carved  over  the  entrance,  "  Walk,  knave !  what  lookst 
at  ?"  he  had  sternly  forbidden  his  servants  to  admit  any 
one  connected  with  the  press,  had  once  discharged  the 
whole  staff  for  disobeying  his  orders,  and  had  put  up  a 


ON  THIS  SIDE. 

board  in  his  grounds  on  which  was  inscribed,  instead 
of  the  usual  warnings  to  trespassers,  "  No  authors,  edi 
tors,  reporters,  or  scribblers  of  any  kind  admitted  here." 
In  the  matter  of  notices  he  was  apt  to  be  a  little  eccen 
tric,  as  was  witnessed  by  another  version  of  a  prohibi 
tion  grown  so  stale  that  it  is  seldom  heeded : — "  Idiot, 
keep  off  the  grass !"  It  is  hardly  remarkable,  then, 
that  in  a  very  few  minutes  after  negotiations  began  the 
representative  of  the  "  Columbia  Eagle"  was  racing 
down  the  street  with  a  feverish  energy  born  of  much 
tnward  heat,  and  a  temper  ruffled  almost  beyond  prece 
dent,  while  Sir  Robert  was  congratulating  himself  upon 
"  sending  that  chap  off  with  a  flea  in  his  ear." 

Mrs.  Sykes's  exquisite  delicacy  received  a  severe 
shock  when  she  heard  of  it.  "  Was  there  ever  anything 
to  equal  the  impudence  of  these  Yankees  ?"  she  asked. 
"  Fancy  the  clerk  of  this  'otel  trying  to  introduce  to 
me  one  of  the  women  stopping  here  to-day !  I  sent  for 
him  to  come  up  to  me  in  the  drawing-room,  that  I  might 
explain  to  him  about  sending  off  my  packets  to  England, 
and  the  other  things  to  go  to  Canada  by  parcels  express, 
and  having  my  boxes  mended,  that  have  been  more  in 
jured  already  than  in  going  round  the  world.  I  shall 
have  them  thoroughly  overhauled — they  have  needed 
it  for  some  time — and  relined,  and  all  that,  and  send  the 
bill  to  the  railway  company.  Yes,  a  regular  introduc 
tion  :  '  Mrs.  Arundel  Sykes,  Mrs.  Valentine — Mrs.  Yal- 
entine,  Mrs.  Arundel  Sykes ;'  they  always  give  my  name 
in  full  here.  I  took  no  notice  of  it,  of  course ;  but  fancy  I" 
It  will  be  seen  that  Mrs.  Sykes,  with  her  usual  acumen, 
had  found  ways  of  utilizing  what  might  otherwise  have 
been  a  wasted  force,-— Mr.  Maffy's  gallantry. 


236  ON  BOTH  SIDES, 

"  I  had  an  idea — I  don't  know  where  I  got  it — that 
society  over  here  would  be  organized  on  a  rigidly  Puri 
tanic  basis  of  plain  living  and  high  thinking,  and  that 
I  should  be  citizen  Heathcote,  as  it  were,"  said  Sir 
Eobert.  "  It  seems,  on  the  contrary,  if  not  so  long  es 
tablished,  as  well  defined  *A  our  own,  and  fully  as  luxu 
rious  and  artificial;  more  ostentatious,  I  should  say. 
Americans  may  disclaim  caste  as  much  as  they  please, 
but  what  of  their  cliques  shading  by  remarkably  fine 
degrees  from  the  class  of  which  the  duke  was  speaking 
at  the  De  "Witts',  and  the  highest  official  class,  through 
the  wholesale  grocer  who  will  not  visit  the  retail  grocer, 
and  the  dress-maker  who  will  not  know  the  butcher's 
wife,  down  to  my  friend  the  '  lady'  who  has  got  the 
Patent-Office  washing  and  objects  to  being  confounded 
with  '  dose  low  niggers  dat  warn't  raised  by  de  quality,' 
and  that  she  '  don't  have  nuffin'  to  do  wid,  noway'  ?  I 
don't  say  that  I  understand  the  system.  On  the  con 
trary,  it  is  quite  a  mystery  to  me ;  many  of  the  dis 
tinctions  made  seem  very  arbitrary, — uncommonly  fine 
we  should  think  them  ;  but  I  see  that  it  exists.  As  to 
titles,  if  they  deny  them  to  their  own  people,  they  cer 
tainly  do  not  to  others.  I  have  been  more  Sir-Eoberted 
here  in  a  few  weeks  than  in  the  whole  previous  course 
of  my  life.  It  is  tacked  to  every  sentence,  almost.  I 
don't  like  it,  especially  in  public  places ;  but  I  see  that 
they  use  it  as  the  French  do  '  Monsieur,'  and  not  in  the 
least  from  a  snobbish  liking  for  the  sound,  as  English 
people  of  a  certain  class  would.  Just  so.  And  I  can't 
agree  with  you  in  calling  them  impudent,  except  that 
newspaper  fellow  who  wanted  to  '  interview'  mo.  They 
evidently  respect  themselves  too  much  not  to  respect 


ON  THIS  SIDE  237 

others.  I  notice  that  very  much.  I  keep  my  eyes  as 
•wide  open  as  possible.  I  wish  to  form  just  ideas  of 
the  country  for  myself,  instead  of  taking  second-hand, 
ready-made  opinions.  Its  material  civilization  has  as 
tonished  me,  and  cannot  but  surprise  any  European ; 
but  its  social  order,  moral  progress,  and  political  exper 
iments  interest  me  far  more." 

"  What  I  most  notice  and  admire  in  them,"  said  MisS 
Noel,  "is  their  politeness.  It  is  most  striking.  I  do 
not  now  speak  of  their  attentions  to  us,  although  those 
have  certainly  been  such  as  we  could  have  had  no  right 
to  expect,  but  of  their  treatment  of  each  other.  I  ob 
serve  that  they  ask  of  each  other  a  thousand  little  ser 
vices  without  any  thought  of  being  denied  or  rebuked, 
and  accord  them  as  a  matter  of  course,  not  as  a  favor. 
It  is  a  very  unselfish  and  charming  feature  in  the  na 
tional  character.  I  was  looking  about  in  the  street  one 
day  in  New  York  for  the  nearest  pillar-post,  and,  not 
seeing  one,  asked  the  first  passer-by,  a  workingman,  who 
not  only  gave  me  the  information  civilly,  but  offered  to 
post  the  letter  himself,  which  is  more  than  a  Parisian 
ouvrier  would  have  done,  I  am  sure.  In  the  tramway, 
too,  I  was  not  only  invariably  offered  a  seat,  if  it  proved 
to  be  crowded,  as  a  woman  of  the  better  class,  well 
dressed,  might  expect,  but  I  saw  with  pleasure  that 
when  a  poor  woman  with  a  great  basket  or  little  chil 
dren  got  in,  or  out,  there  was  always  some  one  to 
help  her.  The  general  good  nature  and  willingness  to 
oblige  seem  almost  universal.  It  is  not  so  with  us,  you 
must  acknowledge.  We  apologize  elaborately  before 
making  any  demand  upon  a  stranger,  and  he  does  not 
always  stop  to  hear  our  excuses,  much  loss  the  request. 


238  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

'Would  you  mind?'  doing  so  and  so,  is  one  of  our  for 
mulas  for  the  reason  that  people  generally  do  mind,  and 
don't  relish  being  called  upon  to  do  anything  or  being 
put  out  in  any  way.  I  am  sorry  to  say  it,  but  it  is  quite 
true.  And  as  for  courtesies,  you  know,  Robert,  that  if 
you  were  caught  out  in  the  rain  at  home  and  some  one 
offered  you  an  umbrella,  you  would  say — what  should 
you  say  ?" 

" '  Confound  the  fellow !  What  does  he  mean  by 
offering  me  his  umbrella?'  most  likely,"  replied  Sir 
Robert  laughingly.  "  You  are  right,  Augusta.  We  have 
got  a  ridiculous  amount  of  buckram  about  us.  But 
when  it  is  all  taken  out  of  us,  as  it  sometimes  is  by  long 
residence  abroad,  there  seems  nothing  left  but  a  coarse 
sieve  through  which  nearly  everything  has  run  that 
makes  an  English  gentleman.  And  I  agree  with  you 
about  American  politeness :  it  is  the  genuine  thing,  and 
not  the  French  veneer.  Have  you  noticed  that  in  the 
shops  one  is  treated  with  civility,  but  not  servility  ? 
Many  of  our  tradesmen  cringe  when  they  must,  and 
bully  when  they  can,  in  a  way  that  is  disgusting." 

"  I  have  found,  so  far,  but  one  exception  to  this  polite, 
self-respecting  behavior,  and  that  was  the  other  day 
when  I  took  my  umbrella  to  a  little  shop  in  a  back 
street :  it  was  my  dear  father's,  and  this  is  its  twenty- 
sixth  new  coat.  After  I  had  waited  some  time,  a  young 
person  in  flaunty  attire,  with  her  hair  in  curl-papers  at 
noon,  came  in  and  quite  shouted  from  the  back  of  the 
shop,  '  What  do  you  want  ?'  I  beckoned  to  her,  and  she 
at  last  condescended  to  come  forward  and  hear  what  1 
had  to  say ;  but  she  was  very  crusty  and  sullen,  and 
would  hardly  give  herself  the  trouble  to  look  for  tho 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  239 

stuff  I  required,  but  just  turned  over  a  few  things  and 
said  she  was  out  of  it.  So  I  told  her  that  she  was  not 
likely  to  succeed  as  a  shopkeeper  if  she  behaved  in  that 
way,  and  she  got  angry,  and  said  that  she  wasn't  a 
shopkeeper,  she  was  a  '  saleslady,  and  as  good  as  any 
body.'  It  did  no  good,  of  course,  and  Ethel  laughed 
at  me  afterward  for  doing  it,  but  I  could  not  help 
reading  her  a  little  lecture  and  telling  her  that  rude 
ness  was  not  republicanism,  and  that  if  equality  meant 
anything  it  meant  equal  regard  for  the  rights  and 
wishes  of  others  on  the  part  of  individuals  of  every 
class." 

"  As  you  admire  everything  American,"  said  Mrs. 
Sykes,  "  I  suppose  you  noticed  the  dressing  in  the  train 
and  liked  that.  Every  other  woman  in  a  twenty-guinea 
silk  and  diamonds.  They  evidently  think  of  nothing 
but  dress.  Even  the  bishop's  wife  at  the  De  Witts'  wa8 
more  interested  in  the  fashions  of  this  world,  even  if 
they  do  pass  away,  than  in  anything  else.  But  then, 
to  be  sure,  there  are  all  those  daughters  of  hers, — six 
of  them, — and  the  bishop  with  no  dean,  chapter,  curates, 
or  so  much  as  a  private  chaplain,  as  far  as  I  can  find 
out,  to  palm  them  off  upon  in  return  for  good  livings. 
Mr.  Porter  told  mo  all  about  them,  and  I  asked  her  after 
dinner  if,  as  there  was  so  many  of  them,  and  all  plain, 
with  no  private  fortune,  I  understood,  their  settlement 
in  life  did  not  weigh  heavily  upon  her.  But  she  seemed 
to  have  no  Belgravian  anxieties  whatever.  She  said 
she  never  thought  of  it;  that  if  the  Lord  intended  them 
to  marry  he  would  provide  them  with  husbands, — which 
even  in  a  clergyman's  wife  does  seem  to  be  presumption. 
I  told  her  that  in  England  they  would  not  have  the 


ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

ghost  of  a  chance,  but  that  men  were  more  plentiful 
over  here,  I  knew." 

"Why  did  you  say  that  to  her?"  said  Miss  Noel. 
"  It  is  like  your  putting  up  your  glass  and  looking  at 
the  De  "Witts'  epergne  as  you  did.  You  will  give  great 
offence,  really." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  shan't !  And  it  doesn't  matter  very  much 
if  I  do.  I  shall  never  see  any  of  them  again  after  I 
leave  America,"  replied  Mrs.  Sykes  calmly.  "  I  have 
taken  good  care  of  that.  I  don't  mean  to  be  overrun 
by  them  when  I  go  back,  as  you  very  likely  will  be.  I 
have  only  met  two  people  so  far  that  I  cared  to  keep  up 
with,  and  to  those  I  have  given  my  proper  address.  To 
the  others  I  always  give  my  bankers',  and  if  I  am  in 
quired  for  there  I  shall  instruct  them  to  say  that  I  have 
gone  abroad.  They  come  over  now  in  hordes  every 
year,  you  know,  and  if  one  did  not  take  some  such  pre 
caution  one  would  never  be  safe.  They  would  be  asking 
themselves  down  to  stay  indefinitely  at  the  most  incon 
venient  seasons,  and  all  that."  Mrs.  Sykes  laughed 
cheerfully  over  her  little  ruse  as  she  spoke,  but  Miss 
Noel  flushed  with  indignation. 

"You  are  very  much  mistaken  if  you  think  that,"  she 
said  warmly.  "  Indeed,  you  mistake  them  altogether. 
You  do  not  in  the  least  understand  them." 

"  I  don't  pretend  to  understand  them,  or  like  them 
either,"  retorted  Mrs.  Sykes. 

"And  I,  if  I  do  not  quite  understand  them  yet,  like 
them  immensely,"  insisted  Miss  Noel.  And  so  the  little 
conversation  between  them,  one  of  many,  ended.  Sir 
Eobert  had  not  stayed  to  hear  its  conclusion,  having  an 
appointment  with  a  friend  to  listen  to  an  argument  in 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  241 

the  Supreme  Court,  where  Justice  seemed  to  hold  the 
scales  more  evenly  for  wearing  a  gown,  although  the 
connection  between  them  is  not  always  evident,  as  Mrs. 
Sykes  was  proving  at  that  very  time.  That  lady  em 
broiled  herself  afresh  that  night  at  a  party  to  which 
she  went,  where  she  met  Sir  Robert's  friend  the  Senator. 
A  quiet  alcove  and  a  comfortable  sofa,  or  rather  sofas, 
made  a  pleasant  refuge  for  the  non-dancing  and  flirta 
tious  members  of  the  assembly  during  the  evening,  the 
former  being  represented  at  one  time  by  Mrs.  Sykes  and 
the  Senator,  the  latter  by  the  beau  Ramsay  and  a  belle 
Louisianaise.  For  a  while  M^s.  Sykes  contented  her 
self  with  affable  generalities,  to  which  her  companion 
made  courteous  if  not  copious  response;  but,  considering, 
probably,  that  there  had  been  quite  enough  preluding 
done,  she  was  soon  introducing  the  theme  of  her  heart, 
her  American  experiences,  and  was  expressing  great 
disappointment  at  not  having  found  the  magnificent 
primeval  forest  that  she  had  expected.  "  I  have  seen 
no  really  fine,  wide-spreading,  ornamental  timber,"  she 
said.  "  Nothing  that  can  compare  with  our  Warwick 
shire  oaks  and  Gloucestershire  elms,  for  instance.  They 
tell  me  here  in  the  North  that  the  British  destroyed  it, 
and  I  dare  say  at  the  South  they  will  declare  that  the 
Yankees  burnt  it  all  down ;  but  my  belief  is  that  it 
never  existed." 

The  Senator  gave  her  one  of  his  cool,  quiet  glances 
and  took  her  measure,  but  only  said  that  the  early  set 
tlers  in  America,  and  their  successors,  had  been  very 
reckless  about  cutting  down  fine  trees,  and  added,  "  We 
still  have  a  sapling  or  two,  though,  that  would  compare 
favorably  even  with  English  trees,  especially  in  Cali- 

L  q  21 


242  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

fornia."  The  talk  then  drifted  away  to  the  timber  of 
other  countries  for  a  few  minutes ;  but  Mrs.  Sykes  was 
soon  ready  with  two  questions,  unusually  fine  examples 
of  her  powers  of  interrogation. 

"  Sir  Robert  tells  me  that  you  are  a  member  of  the 
Upper  House ;  and  I  should  like  to  ask  you  whether  it 
is  true,  as  I  have  heard,  that  American  politicians  are 
sadly  lacking  in  political  honesty,  and  have  not  very 
much  education, — don't  go  to  universities,  and  all  that, 
you  understand  ?"  she  said. 

"  Perfectly,"  said  the  Senator  dryly.  "  Most  of  them 
read  quite  fluently, — EngKsh,  of  course, — and  they  can 
all  cipher  a  little,  say  on  the  Alabama  Claims  and  such 
problems.  As  for  honest  men,  madam,  I  refer  you  to 
Diogenes's'  experience.  If  that  philosopher  were  to 
turn  his  bull's-eye  upon  either  Parliament  or  Congress, 
who  shall  say  what  he  would  find  ?  You  surely  do  not 
mean  to  force  me  personally  to  reveal  the  crimes  that 
have  disfigured  my  official  career  ?" 

Question  second  was  not  to  be  stayed  by  sarcasm  or 
badinage.  "  There  is  another  thing,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes. 
"  Why  is  it  that  American  men  are  so  conspicuously 
and  notoriously  inferior  to  their  wives,  mothers,  and 
sisters,  who  are  often  nice,  really  ?  Some  of  the  pret 
tiest  and  most  accomplished  women  in  American  society 
are  married  to  such  oafs  and  clowns !"  Mrs.  Sykes  felt 
that  she  had  made  the  most  liberal  concessions  to  the 
Senator's  nationality  in  what  she  had  said,  and  awaited 
his  response  with  what  she  meant  for  a  smile  and  a  look 
of  flattering  interest. 

"  Ah,  my  dear  Mrs.  Sykes,  there  is  no  explaining  such 
things,"  said  he  very  suavely.  "  I  don't  know  why  it 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  243 

is,  unless  it  is  that  our  women  can't  be  equalled.  But 
come,  now,  you  surely  can  account  for  the  fact  -that 
Englishmen  are  notoriously  better  looking,  better 
dressed,  and  better  bred  than  Englishwomen.  The 
reason  must  be  the  same,  if  we  could  only  get  at  it. 
It  is  evidently  the  same  law  operating  differently  in 
the  two  countries."  The  Senator  did  not  really  think 
all  these  ungallant  things,  but  he  had  intuitively  under 
stood  the  Sykes  and  comprehended  that  this  was  a  case 
in  which  the  bludgeon  and  not  the  rapier  was  required. 
He  preserved,  too,  such  an  air  of  abstract  speculation 
that  Mrs.  Sykes  was  quite  checkmated  for  once,  and 
could  only  mutter  gruffly  something  about  "  an  extraor 
dinary  idea." 

Five  minutes  later  the  Senator  had  bowed  himself 
out  of  the  alcove ;  but  Mr.  Eamsay,  who  remained,  had 
overheard  the  latter  part  of  the  conversation,  and  re 
peated  it  to  Mr.  Heathcote  that  night.  "  Nasty  one  for 
Mrs.  Sykes,  wasn't  it?"  he  said.  "But  she  deserved  it 
richly.  Why  doesn't  she  keep  a  civil  tongue  in  her 
head  ?  She  is  always  pitching  into  the  Americans,  and 
I  wonder  they  put  up  with  it." 

"  She  is  a  scrub,"  replied  Mr.  Heathcote.  "  I  have 
never  liked  her.  Fetlock  somewhere.  Think  I've 
heard  the  grandfather  was  a  corn-chandler,  or  some 
thing.  Awfully  good-natured,  kind  people,  these ;  been 
as  nice  to  her  as  possible.  That  is  the  mistake  they 
have  made.  If  they  would  '  everlastingly  scrouge'  her. 
as  they  call  it,  she  would  behave  herself,  and  not  go 
about  with  her  nose  in  the  air,  giving  two  fingers  to 
people  who  are  as  superior  to  her  as  possible  in  real 
refinement.  We  have  got  a  lot  of  that  kind  of  people 


244  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

in  England,  and  we  understand  how  to  deal  with  them 
They  require  to  be  sat  upon,  hard.  It  isn't  a  pleasant 
thing  to  do,  but  it  has  to  be  done ;  and  how  they  do 
thrive  upon  it!" 

"  I  know.  I  hate  'em,"  said  Mr.  Ramsay.  "  I  saw 
Mrs.  Sykes  most  beautifully  served  out,  though,  the 
other  day.  Neatest  thing  I  ever  heard.  It  was  at  that 
ladies'  luncheon  at  the  Rainsfords'.  Gorgeous  house, 
gorgeously  furnished,  and  nice  people.  I  was  the  only 
man  asked,  you  know,  and  I  was  in  an  awful  funk  for 
a  while.  The  ladies  of  the  President's  family  were 
there :  the  thing  was  a  swell  affair  given  to  them.  And 
when  luncheon  was  ready  Mrs.  Sykes  was  standin'  near 
the  door,  and  she  pushed  most  rudely  past  everybody 
and  marched  into  the  dining-room  first,  saying,  '  You've 
got  no  precedence  in  this  country,  and  I'll  just  take  my 
place.'  You  should  have  seen  Mrs.  Rainsford.  You 
know  her?  Stunning  woman.  Looks  your  hat  off,  as 
some  fellow  says.  "Well,  she  followed  her,  and  said,  so 
that  every  one  could  hear,  '  It  is  quite  true.  Will  you 
take  a  seat  somewhere  there,  near  the  foot  of  the  table  T 
I  was  so  disgusted  to  think  she  was  an  Englishwoman 
behavin'  like  that,  that  I  could  hardly  face  it  out,  and  I 
gave  her  a  piece  of  my  mind  afterward.  I  told  Mrs. 
Rainsford,  too,  what  I  thought  of  it,  and  she  said,  '  It 
was  very  rude,  but  pray  don't  feel  annoyed  about  it. 
None  of  us  can  afford  to  bo  responsible  for  what  our 
countrymen  do.  I  should  have  enough  to  blush  for,  ] 
know,  if  I  made  a  personal  thing  of  all  the  ill-bred  acts 
committed  by  Americans  abroad.  And,  to  tell  the 
truth,  I  am  rather  ashamed  of  myself  for  taking  any 
ootice  of  it.'  Awfully  nice  of  her,  wasn't  it?" 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  245 

Mr.  Heath  cote  agreed,  and  they  had  some  further 
talk,  in  which  he 'asked  Mr.  Kamsay  if  he  was  keeping 
a  bright  lookout  for  his  future. 

"  Agreeable  sort  of  place  this,  but  I  don't  see  any 
thing  to  suit  me,"  he  replied.  "  You  know  I  had 
a  lot  of  letters  to  business-men  in  New  York  that  I 
presented ;  but  nothing  came  of  it.  They  evidently 
took  me  for  a  counter-jumping  Liverpool  clerk  of  some 
sort ;  but  I  told  them  I  hadn't  come  out  here  to  slave 
away  at  that  sort  of  thing, — that  my  intention  was  to 
make  a  lot  of  money  out  of  hand  and  go  home  again. 
None  of  them  seemed  to  know  of  any  opening  in  mines 
and  things ;  but  they  said  they  would  bear  me  in  mind. 
It  don't  matter.  Something  is  sure  to  turn  up,  old 
fellow,  and  I'd  like  to  have  a  little  fling  and  a  chance  at 
some  big  game  before  settling  down."  • 

One  thing  he  had  done  in  New  York  which  he  con- 
«idered  to  be  a  marvel  of  pioneer  forethought,  and  that 
was  to  have  a  richly-chased  gold  whistle  made  from  a 
design  of  his  own  at  Tiffany's,  on  which  was  inscribed, 
"  Look  out  for  the  locomotive  when  the  whistle  blows," 
— a  sentence  that,  for  some  reason,  had  fascinated  him 
at  American  stations  and  become  a  permanent  mental 
possession.  "I  shall  find  it  awfully  useful,  you  know, 
out  on  the  prairies,"  he  explained.  He  had  been  in  the 
habit  of  using  a  plain  one  when  driving  at  home,  to  warn 
people  that  he  was  in  the  rear  of  them  when  he  wished 
them  to  pull  aside  and  let  him  pass,  or  wanted  to 
attract  the  attention  of  some  smock-frocked  rustic  and 
get  a  gate  opened ;  but  what  application  he  meant  to 
make  of  it  to  the  conditions  of  life  in  Colorado  deponent 
knoweth  not.  Probably  there  had  been  some  delightful 

21* 


246  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

vision  of  driving  a  team  of  mustangs  at  a  dashing  pace 
across  a  vast  plain,  and  whistling  down  buffaloes,  wild 
cattle,  Indians,  or  whatever  might  be  in  the  way. 

Novel  as  the  life  of  the  American  capital  was  to  the 
party,  they  had  begun  to  feel  at  home  in  it,  when  an 
occurrence  took  place  just  before  they  left  the  city  that 
revealed  such  unexpected  social  possibilities,  such 
heights  of  Democratic  aspirations  and  depths  of  Eepub- 
lican  toleration,  as  utterly  puzzled  and  confounded  them, 
and  reduced  them  to  the  position  of  strangers  and  aliens 
again  for  a  time.  It  was  this :  Sir  Eobert  came  back  to 

O 

the  hotel  one  afternoon  when  they  had  no  thought  of 
seeing  him  until  dinner,  and  announced  (a  VAnglaise), 
rather  than  suggested,  that  Miss  Noel  and  Ethel  should 
go  to  the  President's  reception,  then  already  in  prog 
ress.  • 

"But,  my  dear  Eobert,  how  is  it  possible?"  objected 
Miss  Noel.  "  Parsons  asked  leave  of  me  to  go  off  on  an 
expedition  somewhere, — she  did  not  say  where,  but  she 
was  to  be  with  some  friends  she  has  made  here ;  and 
you  know  how  dreadfully  dependent  I  am  upon  her. 
I  don't  see  how  I  could  get  myself  up  for  a  state  affair 
like  that." 

"  Oh,  pooh !  make  Ethel  see  to  your  buttons  and 
strings,"  insisted  Sir  Eobert.  "  Go  you  must.  I  have 
my  reasons." 

Go  they  did,  en  grande  tenue,  accompanied  by  Mrs. 
Sykes,  and  squeezed  themselves  somehow  through  the 
outlying  crowd  and  got  into  line.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  their 
pilot,  and  so  unscrupulously  and  vigorously  did  she  push 
and  elbow  her  way  that  she  soon  got  them  far  ahead 
of  the  irresolute  or  indifferent  majority.  They  had 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  247 

nearly  reached  the  President,  when  they  caught  sight 
of  a  very  familiar  back,  the  back  of  a  lady  at  that 
moment  shaking  hands  with  his  Excellency, — in  short, 
Parsons !— Parsons,  looking  quite  as  respectable  as  hei 
neighbors,  in  her  best  black  silk,  her  velvet  bonnet,  her 
handsome  Paisley  shawl,  but  still  Parsons ! 

The  shock  to  Miss  Noel  was  so  great  that  she  fairly 
stood  still  for  a  moment  and  gaped.  Then  she  felt  her 
self  pushed  forward  by  the  impatient  procession,  and 
followed  exactly  in  her  maid's  wake,  enjoying  precisely 
the  same  honor,  and  hardly  to  be  distinguished  from 
her,  as  she  indignantly  felt.  The  wave  which  had 
carried  her  on  now  spent  itself  in  ever- widening  circles, 
and  she  could  overtake  the  offending  Abigail. 

Parsons's  expression  when  she  heard  herself  called  by 
name,  and,  turning,  saw  her  usually  gentle  mistress  all 
petrified  dignity  and  offended  majesty,  was  a  sight  foi 
Hogarth  or  Gilroy.  Her  mistress,  whom  she  supposed 
housed  for  the  afternoon, — her  mistress  at  the  same 
entertainment  with  herself,  and  looking  like  the  Duke 
of  "Wellington  in  petticoats ! 

"  You  here!"  said  Miss  Noel,  a  fiery  spark  in  her 
usually  mild  eyes.  "You  HERE,  Parsons?  You  have 
presumed  to  come  HEEB  ?  Go  home  at  once !" 

Home  Mrs.  Parsons  went,  and  Miss  Noel  was  too 
much  upset  to  remain  much  longer.  Instant  dismissal 
was  the  very  least  penalty  she  could  think  of  for  such  a 
flagrant  liberty  and  impropriety.  But  she  was  a  pei- 
fectly  helpless  old  lady  in  a  strange  country,  and  Parsons 
was  a  model  maid  who  had  been  with  her  for  twelve 
years.  And  so,  after  much  discussion  with  Sir  Robert, 
her  nephew,  Ethel,  and  Mrs.  Sykes,  Miss  Noel  decided 


248  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

to  "overlook  it  this  time,"  and  gave  Parsons  a  long 
lecture  instead,  to  which  she  listened  respectfully  as  she 
went  about  her  usual  tasks.  And  then  feminine  curios 
ity  came  in.  "  I  can't  think  how  it  is  that  you  were 
allowed  in.  What  did  you  think  of  it  ?  So  very  wrong1 
of  you  to  go,"  she  said  to  her  a  few  days  later. 

"  Yes,  mem,  I  was  allowed  in, — there  was  no  trouble 
about  that;  but  it  was  no  great  sight,  after  all.  I've 
seen  far  finer  at  'ome,  when  I  lived  in  Upper  Grosvenor 
Street  and  used  to  see  'er  Majesty  going  to  the  drawing- 
rooms,  and  again  when  we  fought  the  Russians  and 
beat  them,  and  all  London  was  illuminated, — you  re 
member,  mem.  All  London  was  up  and  about,  and 
Primrose  '111  one  blaze,  and  me,  and  Mrs.  Rich,  the 
'ousekeeper,  and  two  of  the  men-servants  was  out  till 
two  o'clock.  Not  but  that  I'm  glad  I  went,  to  be  able 
to  say  that  I've  shook  'ands  with  the  President  of  the 
United  States,  beggin'  your  pardon  for  sayin'  so,  mem." 

"  I  suppose  we  shall  be  meeting  Parsons  wherever  we 
go  now,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  A  beautiful  state  of 
affairs !" 

"  I  don't  know,  I'm  sure.  I  can't  make  it  out,  try  as 
I  will,"  replied  Miss  Noel. 

They  did  not  understand  the  situation  any  better 
when  they  were  told  that  there  was  not  one  bit  more 
probability  of  their  meeting  Parsons  at  any  other  house 
in  Washington  than  in  their  own  set  in  London. 

"  The  Chief  Magistrate's.  I  really  can't  understand 
it,"  repeated  Miss  Noel.  "  If  she  goes  there,  why  not 
to  other  officials', — everywhere  ?" 

"  Of  course  you  can't.  You  are  hopelessly  mixed, 
and  no  wonder.  The  woman  Mr  Maffy  introduced  to 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  249 

me  the  other  day,  if  you  please,  was  a  great  swell. 
She  is  staying  here.  I  met  her  at  the  French  minister's 
last  night,  and  she  turned  her  back  on  me.  The  wife 
of  a  member  of  the  Cabinet,  and  introduced  to  one 
by  the  clerk  of  the  'otel!  Good  heavens!  what  a 
f  Country  1" 


Y. 


"  IT  is  very  odd :  we  have  not  seen  any  one  in  the  least 
like  '  Yankee'  Eobinson  yet.  I  wonder  what  part  it  is 
that  they  live  in?"  said  Mr.  Ramsay  to  Sir  Robert, 
alluding  to  a  London  actor  who  has  been  representing, 
or  rather  misrepresenting,  an  American  for  some  years 
in  a  costume  never  seen  on  this  continent  and  speaking 
a  dialect  never  heard  anywhere. 

"  I  have  no  idea.  One  would  have  supposed  that  at 
the  capital  every  type,  almost,  would  be  represented, 
and  a  national  one  clearly  defined.  But  it  seems  to  me 
that  all  the  things  I  counted  upon  seeing  either  do  not 
exist  at  all  or  have  not  come  under  my  notice ;  and  I 
was  not  prepared  in  the  least  for  America  as  I  find  it, 
it  is  so  different  from  America  as  I  fancied  it,"  replied 
Sir  Robert.  "  I  have  not  got  enough  mental  elasticity 
to  take  it  all  in  at  once,  but  I  see  that  the  first  step 
toward  learning  anything  about  it  is  to  recognize  that 
I  know  nothing,  and  that  the  language,  unless  I  am 
careful,  will  only  help  to  keep  me  in  a  fog.  A  most 
fruitful  source  of  misunderstandings  I  find  it.  I  really 


250  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

think  sometimes  that  I  should  understand  better  if 
French  or  German  were  spoken  instead, — it  is  so  mis 
leading  to  hear  familiar  words  and  terms  with  totally 
different  meanings  attached.  But  all  the  same  why 
did  that  woman  to  whose  house  we  went  on  Tuesday, 
— Pennypacker?  Was  that  it?  American  names  arc 
many  of  them  so  queer  that  I  can't  keep  them  in  my 
head, — why  did  she  speak  French  to  me  and  make  her 
daughters  do  the  same,  I  wonder?  I  have  a  fair 
knowledge  of  French,  and  answered  a  question  or  two; 
but,  seeing  they  were  .for  keeping  it  up,  I  said  to  her, 
as  politely  as  possible,  'My  dear  madam,  you  are  an 
American  and  I  am  an  Englishman.  Why  in  heaven's 
name  should  we  play  the  fool  like  this  ?'  Yet  she  was 
offended.  I  saw  that." 

"  She  took  you  for  a  Frenchman,  and  so  she  began 
with  her  '  Parlez-vous,  Oui  monsieur,  Son  soir,  Au  revoir.1 " 
(Mr.  Eamsay  made  a  rhyme  of  this,  with  his  "  mushew" 
and,  like  his  companion,  spoke  with  an  aggravated  "  qua- 
tre  ving-sang  accent"  that  put  him  above  suspicion,  if, 
as  has  been  said,  no  Englishman  who  speaks  French 
without  an  accent  is  to  be  trusted.  He  laughed,  too, 
and  exhibited  the  finest  teeth,  if  not  wit,  imaginable.) 

"Take  me  for  a  Frenchman!  Stuff!  Impossible! 
If  there  is  a  thing  that  I  thank  my  God  for,  it  is  that 
I  am  not  a  Frenchman ;  and  no  one  in  his  senses  could 
mistake  me  for  one,"  said  Sir  Robert. 

"  Can  it  be  that  quite  the  highest  class  here  speak 
that  language  habitually  ?"  inquired  Miss  Noel.  "  I 
know  they  do  in  Russia.  And  I  have  noticed  that  in 
conversation  a  great  number  of  phrases  from  it  are 
used.  In  the  case  of  that  nice  South-American  girl 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  251 

from  the  State  of  New  Orleans  that  1  met  so  often 
everywhere  it  was  very  noticeable.  You  remember, 
Ethel  dear,  how  she  rolled  her  r's  and  used  French 
idioms  translated  into  English.  She  doubled  all  her 
vowels  in  a  curious  way,  and  drawled  out  her  words ; 
but  there  was  something  soft  and  pleasing  about  her. 
Not  but  that  I  liked  Miss  Marlowe  better, — she  is  so 
superior ;  and  so  is  her  brother,  though  I  am  almost 
sure  he  doesn't  like  England.  He  always  stays  in  Paris 
when  he  is  abroad, — at  least  makes  that  his  headquar 
ters." 

"  Not  like  England !  God  bless  my  soul !  What  does 
he  like,  then  ?  I  should  not  have  expected  that  of  an 
American.  It  is  inconceivable  that  there*  should  be 
such  narrow-minded  prejudice  against  the  mother-coun 
try,"  exclaimed  Sir  Robert  in  a  disappointed  tone,  as 
unconscious  as  his  neighbors  of  being  at  all  inconsistent. 
"You  should  not  say  the  State  of  New  Orleans,  Au 
gusta,  when  you  mean  the  city.  Louisiana  is  the  name 
of  the  State."  Sir  Robert  had  not  studied  the  map  for 
nothing. 

"  How  very  stupid  of  me !"  said  Miss  Noel  in  mild 
lament.  "  I  was  always  dull  about  geography,  even  as 
a  child.  It  is  down  on  my  list"  (taking  a  paper  out  of 
her  satchel),  "  I  see,  as  a  State ;  but  I  suppose  I  must 
have  mixed  my  pins.  I  took  black  ones  for  States,  and 
white  ones  for  the  principal  places.  But  you  must  ac 
knowledge,  my  dear  Robert,  that  it  is  no  trifle  to  mas 
ter  the  mere  outlines.  I  shall  never  do  more,  I  feel ; 
for  when  it  comes  to  detail,  what  with  dozens  of  Wash- 
ingtons,  and  villanous  villes  of  all  kinds,  and  Indian 
impossibilities  as  bad  as  "Welsh  ones,  and  then  Sparta 


252  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

and  Corinth,  Athens,  Eome,  Yersailles,  and  a  most  mar 
vellous  jumble  of  places  one  knows  already  and  is 
amazed  to  find  over  here,  and  a  great  many  that  sound 
like  bad  jokes, — such  as  Eed  Cow,  and  Lickskillet,  and 
Bad  Axe, — I  really  must  say  that  American  geography 
will  always  be  more  or  less  of  a  muddle  to  me.  It  has 
given  me  three  bad  headaches  in  one  week ;  and  I  can't 
find  the  Amazon  anywhere,  try  as  I  will,  though  I  have 
looked  and  looked,  and  I  sure  it  was  there  when  I 
was  in  the  school-room,  for  I  remember  going  with 
out  my  pudding  and  being  kept  in  the  house  all  one 
afternoon  to  impress  it  on  my  mind,  after  missing  it  in 
my  lesson.  I  was  asking  that  South  American  about 
the  native*  along  there  being  converted,  and  telling  her 
what  an  admiration  I  had  of  the  missionaries  sleeping 
in  the  bamboo  huts  and  living  on  a  handful  of  rice  for 
years  in  order  to  Christianize  and  civilize  them,  cleverly 
arousing  their  sympathies  by  making  a  black  Madonna, 
just  like  themselves.  I  forget  where  I  read  the  account, 
but  I  know  I  gave  one  pound  ten  to  it  and  sent  it  as 
a  'Protestant  Christian.'  And  it  can't  have  been  true, 
after  all ;  for  she  said  that  she  was  a  Eoman,  but  that 
she  had  never  heard  of  anything  of  the  kind  in  Louisi- 
arner.  She  asked  me  if  I  meant  the  aborigines  by  the 
natives ;  and  I  said,  '  Of  course.'  And  then  she  said 
they  were  dying  out  very  fast,  or  had  been  sent  away, 
and  were  wedded  to  a  wild  life  for  the  most  part,  and 
very  miserable,  wretched  creatures.  Poor  things  J 
Speaking  of  color,  have  you  noticed  how  extraordinarily 
the  blacks  resemble  each  other  ?  I  can't  tell  one  from 
another.  They  all  look  alike.  And  I  can't  say  I  like 
having  them  about  me.  It  often  gives  me  quite  a  tun* 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  253 

when  I  see  a  black  hand  offering  me  a  dish  at  table,  or 
when  I  glance  up  into  their  faces,  which  are  really 
alarming  and  look  capable  of  everything  that  is  bad, 
somehow.  I  am  not  as  foolish  as  Parsons  there,  though. 
She  is  afraid  to  stay  in  the  same  room  with  one  of  them 
alone.  Eh,  Parsons  ?" 

"  They  people  do  look  that  dreadful,  mem,  as  I  should 
fear  to  be  murdered  if  I  crossed  'em,"  replied  Parsons. 
"  And  this  precious  pet"  (embracing  Blanche,  Miss 
Noel's  cat)  "  won't  go  near  'em,  coa^  as  they  will.  It's 
sornethink  about  the  heye.  Even  the  'ead-waiter  'ad  it 
at  the  'otel,  though  in  general  respectable,  free  with  the 
plum-cake,  and  willin'  to  bring  what  I  harst  for.  I've 
seen  the  same  in  a  Hitalian  I  kep'  company  with  from 
Christmas  till  Michaelmas  one  year,  w'ich  he  drew  a 
knife  on  me,  and  us  as  good  as  called." 

"  Why,  that  was  a  low  proceeding  for  a  '  Hightalian,' 
Parsons,  upon  my  word,  and  a  narrow  escape  for  you," 
commented  Mr.  Heathcote  jocularly.  "  But  don't  de 
spair  yet :  you  may  get  another  chance,  you  know,  over 
here." 

Miss  Noel  looked  reprovingly  at  her  nephew. 

The  decorous  Parsons  smiled  significantly.  "  To  tell 
the  truth,  I  'ave  'ad  one  already,  sir,"  she  said. 

"  An  offer,  Parsons  ?  Really  /"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Sykes. 
"  One  of  our  acquaintances,  very  likely,"  she  added  be 
hind  her  fan  to  Miss  Noel.  "  Who  was  it,  pray  ?" 

"  Tell  us  all  about  it.  What  did  he  say  ?"  urged  Mr. 
Heathcote. 

"  Yes,  tell  us  at  once,"  Mr.  Eamsay  laughingly  in 
sisted.  "I'd  like  to  know  how  they  do  the  thing  in 
this  country." 

22 


254  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  How  is  it  that  I  have  not  heard  of  this  before  ?"  said 
Miss  Noel. 

"  Go  on,  Parsons.     What  fun !"  cried  Ethel. 

Parsons  felt  herself  quite  a  heroine,  and  indeed  had 
been  not  a  little  gratified  by  the  episode. 

"  It  was  a  young  man, — a  grocer  in  a  small  way  of 
business  on  Heighteenth  Street,  mem,"  she  said,  address 
ing  herself  to  her  mistress  rather  than  to  the  company 
at  large.  "  And  he  not  more  than  'arf  my  hage.  Very 
foolish  of  'im,  as  I  told  'im ;  but  he  wanted  a  settled 
person  to  keep  the  shop,  as  could  be  trusted." 

"  Not  half  a  bad  thing  for  you,  Parsons,  if  you  like 
boys,"  said  Sir  Robert. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  I  suppose  so.  But  it  was  all  nonsense  'im 
thinkin'  of  me.  And  I  couldn't  bear  to  give  up  the 
old  country  and  'ome  and  friends  besides.  I  told  'im 
I  'ad  no  wish  to  marry  in  America,  not  if  I  could  'ave 
the  very  President.  You  see,  sir,  I  shouldn't  know 
which  end  I  stood  on ;  I'd  never  know  what  my  station 
was ;  and  the  'abits  different,  and  messy  victuals,  and 
English  not  rightly  spoke,  and  'im  a  Papist, — it  was 
not  to  be  thought  of,"  explained  the  obdurate  fair  one. 

"  Quite  right,  Parsons.  I'd  not  live  here  if  the  whole 
country  were  given  me  on  that  condition,"  said  Mrs. 
Sykes  sneeringly. 

"Stuff!  What  nonsense  you  are  talking!  I'd  not 
like  to  try  you  with  an  estate  or  two  if  I  were  an 
American,"  grumbled  Sir  Robert  from  his  corner.  "  I 
Know  that." 

"  I  wonder  what  they  are  all  about  in  Washington 
now,"  said  Mr.  Heathcote  irrelevantly.  "  I  suppose 
that  queer  genius  that  bored  me  so  with  his  wonderful 


ON   THIS  SWE.  255 

gun  that  he  had  been  trying  to  get  the  government  to 
adopt  for  ten  years,  and  that  'recoiled  backward,' 
strange  to  say,  is  still  hanging  around  button-holing 
strangers,  like  the  Ancient  Mariner." 

"  I  remember  that  fellow,"  put  in  Mr.  Eamsay.  "  I 
used  to  see  him  at  the  Capitol.  They  called  him  a 
'  crank.'  Splendid  word,  '  crank.'  My  governor  is  one, 
and  I'm  glad  to  get  a  name  for  him.  He'll  never  let 
my  mother  be  ill  in  her  own  house.  He  sends  her 
straight  away  out  of  the  house  until  she  recovers,  and 
then  she  is  allowed  back.  And  it  is  just  the  same  with 
the  rest  of  us, — that  is,  it  was  when  we  were  at  home," 
replied  Mr.  Ramsay,  with  an  air  of  bonhommie.  "  Some 
times  we  were  packed  off  to  hospitals  with  hired  nurses, 
and  sometimes  put  in  lodgings  and  a  '  sister'  got  down 
from  town ;  but  out  we  bundled  the  moment  we  got 
measles,  or  typhoid  fever,  or  so  much  as  a  rash  from  in 
digestion.  My  father  never  takes  any  medicine  himself 
or  sees  a  doctor,  and  he  says  he  is  not  going  to  have  hin 
house  poisoned  up  by  anybody  and  infested  by  a  lot  of 
quacks.  Bill  and  I  shammed  several  times  when  we  got 
tired  of  being  at  home  during  the  holidays,  and  got  sent 
off  to  Eastbourne  or  Scarborough  for  a  fortnight.  Bill 
was  a  jolly  old  boy  in  those  days,  and  we  hit  it  off  beau 
tifully  together.  I  can't  think  how  it  is  he  is  so  changed. 
He  hasn't  done  anything.  He  is  a  respectable  ass  enough, 
but  he  has  the  nastiest  temper  I  know,  and  is  always  lec 
turing  me  about  getting  on  in  the  world,  and  altogether 
I  know  I  was  precious  glad  to  see  the  last  of  him." 

"  I  hate  being  sermonized  myself.  It's  an  awful  bore," 
said  Mr..  Hoathcote.  "  Some  people  have  a  talent  for 
boring  others.  There  was  that  dreadful  woman  that  I 


256  OX  BOTH  SIDES. 

took  in  to  dinner  the  other  day,  who  would  talk  about 
the  royal  family,  —anecdotes,  you  know,  about  the 
queen,  and  the  prince  consort,  and  the  Duchess  of 
Kent,  and  what  the  Duke  of  Cambridge  thought  of  the 
prince,  and  how  the  prince  never  dared  to  sit  down  in 
the  queen's  presence,  and  how  Wales  can't  smoke  be 
cause  his  mother  objects,  and  all  that  stuff.  I  felt  like 
asking  her  what  the  deuce  it  mattered  to  her  what  any 
or  all  of  them  did ;  but  I  only  said  that  I  knew  nothing 
about  them  whatever, — which  is  true,  except  what  the 
papers  say.  I  never  was  at  court  but  once  in  my  life, 
and  I  had  nothing  to  say  about  them.  But  I  couldn't 
get  her  off  the  subject  for  the  longest  while,  and  when 
I  did  she  went  off  upon  another  quite  as  bad, — a  law 
lord  that  she  had  met  abroad,  and  a  mayor  fellow,  Sir 
Peter  something,  that  got  knighted  somehow.  Very 
great  people  she  thought  them.  At  last  I  thought  I 
would  give  her  aristocratic  feelings  a  shock,  so  I  told 
her  that  my  grandfather  was  a  Ramsgate  tradesman, 
and  that  my  associations  had  been  principally  with  my 
mother's  people, — chapel  people,  and  the  very  salt  of 
the  earth,  which  I  knew  was  more  thought  of  in 
America  than  any  mere  worldly  distinctions.  And  I 
also  said  that  I  had  come  over  here  to  get  a  position  as 
commercial  traveller.  It  was  such  fun  to  see  how  she 
rose  to  it  and  swallowed  the  whole  thing,  hook,  sinker, 
line,  and  pole,  and  gave  herself  airs  of  social  superiority 
at  once, — and  she  an  avowed  republican !" 

Mr.  Ramsay  laughed  gleefully  over  this  little  fiction 
of  his  friend :  "  Oh,  she  is  nothing  compared  to  that  old 
maid  from  Vermont  that  kept  chasin'  me  up  into  cor 
ners  to  talk  about  John  Bright.  She  knew  all  about 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  257 

him  already, — where  he  was  born,  and  where  he  was 
educated,  and  all  that, — lots  more  than  I  did.  She 
quoted  from  two  of  his  speeches  as  pat  as  possible 
about  the  franchise  and  all  that,  you  know.  I  couldn't 
think  what  was  up,  when  she  suddenly  clasped  her 
hands  and  shook  her  curls  at  me,  and  said,  '  I  take  the 
deepest  interest  in  his  noble  career,  with  all  its  grand 
devotion  to  liberty.  He  has  been  a  clear,  strong  re 
former  all  the  way  through.  And  what  a  passionate 
love  of  the  humanities  he  has !  What  is  he  doing  now 
especially  ?'  I  told  her  that  I  didn't  know  at  all  what 
he  was  up  to  now  in  the  way  of  stirrin'  up  a  mob,  and 
that,  in  fact,  all  I  did  know  was  that  he  was  one 
of  those  radical  fellows  that  are  tryin'  to  ruin  England, 
and  that  I'd  like  to  transport  the  lot  of  them  to  Botany 
Bay  if  I  could.  And  so  I  would,  like  a  shot.  I  says  to 

«/  •/ 

her,  '  Why,  some  of  those  chaps  object  to.  the  queen's 
birthday  bein'  celebrated !'  And  she  rolls  her  eyes  at 
me  and  says,  '  If  you  want  a  royal  birthday  you  should 
celebrate  his  instead, — the  birthday  of  a  royal  nature, 
instead  of  that  of  a  mere  royal  accident.  I  am  sur 
prised  to  hear  a  youth,  an  English  youth,  at  the  very 
period  when  all  generous  enthusiasm  should  glow  most 
brightly—'  " 

"  The  old  party  was  evidently  punning,"  put  in  Mr. 
Heathcote.  "  Go  on." 

"  I  forget  the  rest.  Talkin'  like  that,  she  meant.  She 
talked  like  a  book.  Fancy  me  keepin'  John  Bright's 
birthday !  I'd  sooner  keep  Nebuchadnezzar's.  That's 
my  horse.  The  governor  named  him  that,  he  said,  be 
cause  he  went  on  all-fours  and  ate  grass.  There's  some- 
thing  about  it  in  the  Bible.  The  governor's  an  awfully 
r  22* 


258  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

clever  fellow,  you  know.  He  is  down  there  now.  I 
couldn't  afford  to  keep  him  in  town.  And  the  governor 
is  chargin'  me  quite  enough  for  his  keep,  too.  He  is 
very  near,  is  the  governor ;  in  fact,  an  awful  screw." 

"  How  did  you  get  rid  of  your  old  woman  ?"  aske** 
Mr.  Heathcote. 

"  Oh,  she  left  me  in  high  disgust.  '  Have  you  n 
beautiful  ideals,  then  ?  no  large  desires  or  earnest  aspi 
rations?  What  are  your  hopes  and  ambitions?  Is 
there  nothing  you  would  like  to  do  ?  Is  there  not  some 
thing  you  would  like  to  be  ?'  she  says  to  me.  '  Yes  :  I 
should  like  to  be  the  best  cricketer  in  England,  or  to  go 
about  the  world  killin'  big  game  as  fast  as  I  could  load 
and  fire.  That  would  be  glorious,'  I  says ;  '  and  when 
I've  made  my  fortune  over  here  I'm  goin'  home  to  hunt 
six  days  in  the  week  as  long  as  I  can  sit  in  the  saddle, 
or  be  tied  in,  like  old  Lord  Mainwaring,  who  is  over 
eighty  and  rides  to  cover  strapped  into  place  like  an 
old  mummy.'  She  got  quite  excited  at  that,  and  says 
she,  '  You  look  as  though  you  came  off  the  facade  of  a 
Greek  temple ;  and  if  life  were  an  Olympic  game,  you 
and  such  as  you  would  be  well  fitted  for  it.  But  there 
is  the  higher  life.  You  should  either  go  back  to  bar 
barism  and  work  out  on  a  higher  plane,  or  make  your 
electric  light  a  coal  from  the  altar  of  the  gods.'  Wasn't 
it  a  rum  speech  ?  '  I  haven't  the  least  idea  what  you 
are  talking  about,  I  give  you  my  word,'  I  says.  '  Whom 
the  gods  would  destroy  they  first  make  deaf,'  says  she : 
'  I  don't  suppose  you  do.'  '  I'm  not  deaf,'  I  says :  <  I 
can  hear  a  view-halloo  across  a  dozen  fields  and  the 
wind  not  in  my  favor.'  '  Oh,  you  hopeless  Philistine  1' 
says  she,  and  marches  off.  Awfully  queer  people,  some 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  259 

of  these  Americans.  Why  am  I  a  Philistine?  I  am 
nothing  of  the  kind.  I'd  like  to  have  been  with  Sam 
son,  though,  when  he  took  the  three  hundred  foxes  and 
tied  them  tail  and  tail  with  firebrands  and  turned  them 
into  the  corn-fields.  That  must  have  been  jolly  good 
fun.  Such  sport !  They  read  that  in  church  the  last 
time  I  went,  and  I  thought  it  uncommonly  lively  for 
church,  you  know.  Fact  is,  she  was  talkin'  over  my 
head ;  I  saw  that ;  but  it  was  deucedly  queer,  now, 
wasn't  it?  I  thought  the  Americans  were  not  very 
well  educated,  and  "all  that,  but  hanged  if  they  can't  lay 
ine  over!  I  met  a  girl  of  sixteen  the  other  day  that 
set  a  lot  of  people  laughin'  at  my  expense.  I'm  not  a 
clever  man,  you  see,  and  I  always  did  hate  readin'. 
'  Which  of  Thackeray's  characters  do  you  admire  most  V 
I  shall  never  forgive  you  if  you  don't  adore  my  dear, 
dear  Colonel  Newcome.  I  have  been  in  love  with  him 
for  years,'  says  she.  '  Have  you  ?  Really,  I  don't  know 
which  I  like  best,'  I  says;  for  it  was  true.  I  didn't 
know  one  from  another,  and  the  only  Colonel  Newcomb 
that  I  know  is  that  fellow  that  I  see  by  '  Bell's  Life'  is 
sellin'  off  his  stud.  Wouldn't  I  like  to  buy  'em !  She 
was  down  on  me  again  in  a  minute.  '  No  wonder  you 
can't  decide  between  them,  they  are  all  so  interesting. 
Ah !  I  see  how  it  is :  you  prefer  Dickens.  Now,  which 
of  his  books  do  you  like  best  ?  I've  read  them  all,  over 
and  over  again,'  she  says.  I  was  a  'possum  up  a  gum- 
bush,  as  they  say  over  here,  then,  I  can  tell  you.  But 
the  governor  is  awful  nuts  on  Dickens's  books,  and  is 
always  talkin'  about  them,  so  I  thought  I  was  all  right 
and  had  remembered  one  when  I  said,  '  Nicholas  Cop- 
perby.'  You  should  have  seen  them  tryin'  not  to  laugh  I 


260  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

I  saw  I  had  put  my  foot  into  it,  and  I  told  'em  I  had 
been  lyin'  and  hadn't  read  one  of  'em,  and  that  it  was 
no  sort  of  use  shammin'.  The  girl  was  nice  about  it. 
She  pinched  her  lips  in  a  bit,  and  got  very  quiet,  and 
said  that  gentlemen  didn't  get  much  time'  to  read,  but 
that  she  was  sure  I  would  enjoy  both  authors  when  I 
got  the  leisure.  She  didn't  keep  the  thing  up  at  all." 

"  If  gentlemen  can't  get  time  to  read,  I  wonder  who 
can  ?  You  can  put  in  a  lot  of  that  sort  of  thing  out  on 
the  prairies  if  you  like,"  said  Mr.  Heathcote. 

"  That's  it,  you  see.  I  don't  like,-"  replied  Mr.  Earn- 
say  honestly.  "  It  bores  me  tremendously.  But  I  really 
must  do  a  little  of  it  some  time  or  other  when  there  is 
nothin'  goin'  on.  Macaulay's  History  is  about  the  only 
stiff  piece  of  readin'  I've  ever  done.  My  godmother 
gave  me  five  guineas  for  doin'  that,  and  put  me  through 
a  toughish  exam,  afterward,  and  that  impressed  it  on 
my  mind.  I  tried  Plutarch's  Lives  the  summer  Haw 
kins,  my  cousin,  and  his  coach  spent  with  us,  but  it  was 
awfully  dull  work,  all  those  dead  men, — I  couldn't  tell 
them  apart, — and  the  weather  was  fine,  and  fellows 
dropped  in,  and  we'd  take  a  b.  and  s.  all  round,  and  go 
for  a  walk,  or  cricket,  or  somethin', — and  I  didn't  man 
age  more  than  fifty  pages  of  the  stuff.  The  govei^or 
was  in  such  a  wax  about  it,  I  remember." 

These  conversations  took  place  in  the  westward- 
bound  train  in  which  our  party  were  speeding  away 
from  "Washington,  which  they  had  left  behind  them 
steeped  in  sunshine,  the  dome  of  the  Capitol  clear-cut 
against  a  sky  that  Sir  Eobert  unreservedly  pronounced 
as  blue  as  any  he  had  ever  seen  in  Italy.  Mrs.  Sykes 
had  fixed  her  eyes  on  the  ugly  buildings  in  the  vicinity 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  261 

instead,  and  complained  loudly  of  "the  intolerable 
glare,"  finding  that  part  of  the  city  "  a  perfect  eyesore," 
and  its  chief  ornament  "  an  absurdly  pretentious,  badly- 
proportioned  pseudo-Grecian  structure,  thoroughly  out 
of  keeping  with  its  surroundings." 

"  Have  you  noticed  the  guard  ?"  Miss  Noel  said  to 
her  when  they  had  been  under  way  for  a  couple  of 
hours. 

"  I  never  notice  the  guard,"  that  lady  very  truthfully 
replied,  "  any  more  than  I  do  the  engine." 

"  I  observe  faces  very  closely,  on  the  contrary.  It  is 
a  habit  I  have  formed,  I  rather  think,  from  drawing 
heads  so  much.  And  the  lines  in  his  face  are  very 
strong.  His  expression,  too,  is  so  kindly  and  benevo 
lent.  It  is  not  belied,  either,  by  his  conduct,  as  far  as 
one  can  judge  on  the  surface.  You  see  what  a  comfort 
able  bed  he  has  made  up  for  me,  on  hearing  that  I  was 
not  well,  with  Parsons's  help.  He  brought  a  couple  of 
boards  and  turned  over  a  seat,  and  then  with  the  wraps 
and  dressing-bag  he  improvised  a  very  tolerable  substi 
tute  for  a  couch,  for  which  I  am  grateful,  as  my  head  is 
really  very  bad.  I  see,  too,  that  he  is  very  thoughtful 
in  other  directions.  I  have  amused  myself  watching 
him  dose  that  poor  woman  at  the  back  of  the  carriage. 
Just  now  he  made  a  paper  windmill  for  that  poor  baby 
of  hers,  that  has  got  into  such  a  fret." 

"  He  is  paid  for  all  that,  you  may  be  sure.  I  don't 
see  anything  to  gush  over,  I  must  say,"  replied  Mrs. 
Sykes. 

"  I  have  no  wish  to  '  gush,'  as  you  call  it,  but  it  is 
very  nice  to  see  how  obliging  he  is,  helping  people  on 
and  off  the  train,  and  carrying  such  quantities  of  bags 


262  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

and  parcels.  I  can't  think  it  is  all  done  with  an  eye  to 
the  money  he  is  going  to  get." 

"  I  should  think  not.  You  had  better  be  careful  how 
you  insult  the  American  citizen  who  is  acting  as  a 
guard  by  offering  him  a  tip.  I  got  into  trouble  that 
way  myself  the  other  day.  He  won't  take  it ;  and  it's 
a  toss-up  whether  he  won't  stop  the  train  and  put  you 
off  for  your  pains,  aunt,"  put  in  Mr.  Heathcote.  "  I 
really  didn't  believe  tJbere  was  such  a  rara  avis  in  the 
world.  I'd  like  to  instil  the  sentiment  into  certain 
classes  at  home,  I  know.  At  a  place  where  I  was 
shooting  last  year  I  really  thought  of  taking  up  a  col 
lection  among  the  servants  to  pay  my  expenses  back  to 
town." 

"  I  can't  afford  to  go  to  any  but  the  smallest  estab 
lishments,"  said  Mr.  Eamsay.  "  If  it  wasn't  that  my 
brother-in-law  takes  pity  on  me  and  gives  me  some 
shootin'  every  year,  I'd  never  get  a  chance  at  anything, 
unless  it  was  a  cat  or  two  among  the  chimney-pots.  It 
amounts  to  blackmail,  that  is  what  it  does ;  and  when 
I  make  my  fortune  and  go  back  home  I  mean  to  dis 
charge  every  servant  that  takes  a  shillin'  from  a  guest 
of  mine,  much  less  five  or  ten  pounds.  Lots  of  poor 
devils  like  me  haven't  got  it,  don't  you  see,  and  can't 
rob  a  church  once  a  week.  I  tell  you  what  I  do  to  save 
appearances  at  my  brother-in-law's, — at  least  what  I 
did,  for  I  blurted  it  out  right  before  the  servants  last 
time,  and  shan't  be  able  to  repeat  it.  AAvfully  stupid 
of  me,  wasn't  it?  But  then  I  am  a  duffer,  you  know, 
and  it  was  at  luncheon,  and  I  thought  they  had  all  been 
dismissed.  It  was  this :  I'd  borrow  it  of  the  master 
and  pay  it  out  handsomely  with  a  grand  air  to  the  ser- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  263 

vants.  Capital  idea,  wasn't  it  ?  How  I  did  haw-haw, 
to  be  sure,  when  I  looked  round  and  saw  Thomas  be 
hind  my  chair  tryin'  to  look  as  though  he  hadn't  heard ! 
And  what  a  fury  my  sister  was  in !  I'd  never  have  paid 
a  penny  to  shoot  there  in  the  world.  Higgs — that's  my 
brother-in-law — is  a  cotton-spinning  fellow,  anxious  to 
have  the  name  of  havin'  good  shootin',  and  he'd  get  his 
birds  down  from  town,  and  after  they  were  killed  they 
were  all  sent  back  to  Leadenhall  Market.  I  was  never 
allowed  to  keep  a  bird,  and  it  was  only  to  keep  my  hand 
in  that  I  shot  at  all.  Higgs  can  shoot.  No  doubt  about 
that.  He  put  out  his  brother's  eye,  and  has  winged 
three  guests  at  different  times.  I  always  make  him 
keep  his  distance  when  we  are  out  together ;  and  it  is 
just  as  dangerous  to  have  him  in  the  front  as  behind." 

They  were  laughing  over  this  when  the  conductor 
came  round  on  an  inspecting  tour.  When  he  got  near 
Miss  Noel,  she  stopped  him.  "  Would  you  tell  me  if 
we  are  to  stop  anywhere  soon  ?  I  have  a  severe  head 
ache,  which  will  not  be  any  better  until  I  get  a  cup  of 
tea,"  she  said. 

"A  headache?  Why,  that's  too  bad.  I'm  mighty 
sorry  for  you.  They  are  mean  things  to  have,  I  know. 
I'm  subject  to  them  myself.  I've  got  some  bay-rum  back 
yonder  that  I'll  bring  you  presently  to  put  on  it.  That's 
about  as  good  as  anything,  I  reckon,  for  it :  at  least  it 
helps  me.  I'll  fix  you  up  some  with  some  ice-water," 
responded  the  conductor,  with  friendly  concern.  "  Mj 
wife  always  makes  me  take  some  with  me  when  I  start 
out  on  the  road,  and  that's  how  I  happen  to  have  it. 
She  looks  out  for  me,  I  can  tell  you.  As  for  that  tea,  I 
am  afraid  you'll  have  to  go  without  that,  ina'am." 


2(54  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

He  walked  on. 

Mrs.  Sykes  looked  after  him.  "  What  an  impudent 
fellow !  To  offer  his  bay-rum,  and  presume  to  say  that 
he  was  subject  to  them.  As  if  anybody  cared  about  his 
head !  Putting  himself  on  an  equality,  as  far  as  ho 
could,  like  that !"  she  exclaimed. 

"  I  really  don't  think  he  meant  it,"  pleaded  Miss  Noel. 
"  I  think  he  meant  to  be  kind.  I  do  indeed.  One  can 
see  that  he  is  just  a  simple,  homely  creature." 

"  Meant  it,  indeed !  Abominable  familiarity,  I  call  it. 
His  wife  made  him  put  it  up !  A  little  more,  and  he'd 
have  grown  insufferable,"  Mrs.  Sykes  protested.  "  Give 
these  Americans  an  inch  and  they  will  take  a  mile." 

"  I  think  it  rather  interesting  to  know  that  he  is  sub 
ject  to  them,"  said  Mr.  Heathcote.  "  And  I  think  very 
well  of  his  wife,  thoughtful  soul !  It  will  be  delightful, 
aunt,  to  see  you  anointing  your  poor  head  with  the 
guard's  hair-tonic,  or  whatever  it  is.  You  really  must 
not  be  so  giddy  and  receive  such  attentions  from  strange 
gentlemen,  or  I  shall  tell  of  you  when  we  get  back." 

"  What  am  I  to  do  ?  One  can't  take  his  bay-rum ; 
and  one  wouldn't  for  the  world  hurt  the  poor  man's 
feelings,"  said  Miss  Noel,  seriously  concerned  as  to  her 
future  course. 

"  Couldn't  you  pretend  to,  aunt  dear,  and  throw  it 
out  of  the  window  when  his  back  is  turned  ?"  suggested 
Ethel. 

"I  never  heard  such  stuff, — never!  Send  the  man 
about  his  business,  and  rebuke  his  impertinence  prop 
erly,"  counselled  Mrs.  Sykes  impatiently. 

Miss  Noel  laid  back  her  head:  contention  made  it 
worse. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  265 

"  Is  your  friend  sick  ?  "Won't  she  have  some  of  my 
cologne  ?"  asked  a  lady  opposite,  holding  out  a  bottle 
as  she  spoke. 

Mrs.  Sykes  stiffly  declined,  making  a  distinction  which 
conveyed  no  sense  of  difference.  "  She  is  not  sick ;  she 
is  ill.  Her  head  aches,"  she  said,  with  hauteur. 

Miss  Noel  had  not  expected  the  conductor  to  reappear 
for  some  time,  or  that  when  he  did  he  would  come  from 
another  direction.  He  turned  up,  however,  quite  un 
expectedly  at  her  elbow  a  few  minutes  after  this,  a  col- 
lapsion  cup  in  his  hand. 

"  Here  you  are,  all  right.  This  isn't  the  bay-rum : 
got  this  from  a  doctor  in  the  next  car.  Here."  And, 
without  further  ceremony,  the  worthy  man  took  up  the 
handkerchief  lying  in  her  lap,  dipped  it  in  the  cup,  and 
laid  it,  ice-cold  and  grateful,  on  her  burning  forehead. 

"  Oh  !  oh !  Eeally !"  exclaimed  Miss  Noel,  startled 
and  half  struggling  up ;  but  he  was  off  again,  and  she 
saw  only  the  smiles  of  her  friends. 

"  I  wonder  at  you,  feally !  How  can  you  permit  such 
a  thing  ?"  said  Mrs.  Sykes  indignantly. 

"  I  wasn't  consulted.  You  must  have  seen  that.  Ana 
really  it  is  very  grateful, — very.  I  was  -very  surprised, 
of  course, — very.  But  I  don't  think  he  meant  anything," 
Miss  Noel  plaintively  replied. 

In  ten  minutes  more  he  was  back  again.  "  I  dunno 
about  that  cup  of  tea.  We  are  behind  time  now.  But 
I'll  see.  I'll  pull  up  if  I  can  somewhere  and  hold  the 
train  till  I  can  get  it  for  you,"  he  said,  in  his  slow  way 
and  low  voice. 

"  Not  if  we  are  behind  time.     Pray  don't  do  that,  1 
beg.     Pray  don't"  remonstrated  Miss  Noel,  a  remem- 
M  23 


266  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

brance  of  "  American  recklessness"  and  the  risk  of  col 
lision  flashing  before  her. 

"Lor'  bless  your  heart!  I  ain't  a-going  to  run  no 
risks.  No,  indeed,"  he  replied,  and  shook  his  head 
wisely  as  he  walked  away  again. 

After  a  bit  Miss  Noel  sat  up,  and  presently,  when  th«» 
train  came  to  a  full  stop,  she  looked  out  of  her  window 
and  saw  the  conductor  outside.  He  had  hurriedly 
seized  a  train-boy,  and  was  saying,  "  Kite  it  up  to  Col 
onel  Barlow's  farm,  and  bring  back  a  cup  of  tea,  if 
they've  got  it,  and  a  slice  of  light  bread.  And  hurry 
all  you  know  how,  my  son." 

"  Is  that  his  son  ?  What  a  very  dirty  little  boy !  But, 
then,  one  does  get  such  a  sweep  in  travelling,  and, 
living  on  the  train  as  he  does,  he  can't  keep  himself 
tidy,"  she  thought. 

It  was  not  long  before  the  conductor  came  beaming 
down  the  aisle  toward  her,  saying,  "  Here  it  is.  Nice 
green  tea ;  hot  and  strong.  I  don't  drink  tea  myself, 
but  I  know  the  ladies  like  it.  I  hope  it'll  do  you  good." 

"  Thank  you  very  much.  How  good  of  you !"  ex 
claimed  Miss  Noel,  who  was  glad  indeed  to  get  the 
refreshment  her  exhausted  system  demanded,  and 
eagerly  devoted  herself  to  it  at  once. 

"  Not  at  all ;  not  at  all,"  said  her  smiling  benefactor. 
"  I  like  to  be  accommodating  when  I  can,  especially  to 
a  lady."  He  moved  off  again,  with  a  last,  "  Don't  men 
tion  it,  ma'am." 

"  Well,  I  must  say  that  the  American  guard  is  quite 
the  most  remarkable  thing  I've  seen  in  the  country  yet," 
commented  Mr.  Heathcote. 

"  Fancy  holding  a  train  over  for  a  thing  like  that  in 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  267 

England!"  said  Sir  Robert;  but  nobody  could  fancy  it 
for  one  moment. 

"  He  is  a  kind  creature,  you  see,"  said  Miss  Noel, 
between  her  spoonfuls.  "And  respectful,  too,  in  his 
way.  He  said  '  ma'am ;'  though  he  neglected  to  touch 
his  hat." 

"  I've  not  had  a  hat  touched  to  me  since  I  landed, 
except  by  the  Hitchcocks'  Irish  coachman  and  English 
footmen,"  said  Sir  Eobert.  "  I  must  really  go  and  thank 
the  fellow,  if  you  are  sure  it  wouldn't  do  to  tip  him  and 
that  thanks  is  all  he  will  have." 

Sir  Robert  rose,  and  was  gone  some  time.  "  Quite  a 
character,"  he  said  on  his  return,  dropping  back  into 
his  seat.  "  A  warrior,  and  a  bit  of  a  philosopher,  and  a 
Christian,  I  should  think,  unless  he  is  a  humbug.  When 
I  thanked  him,  he  said,  '  That's  nothing.  You  like  to 
be  accommodating  when  you  can,  don't  you  ?  I  reckon 
we  wuz  put  here  to  help  each  other  along.  Life  is 
travelling  all  the  way  through  for  us  all,  and  when  we 
hand  in  our  checks  we'll  feel  bad  if  we  ain't  done  no 
thing  to  help  each  other  along.  Now,  won't  we  ?  It 
warn't  no  trouble  for  me  to  send  up  to  Colonel  Barlow's. 
He's  a  friend  of  mine, — an  elegant  gentleman.  He  often 
sends  down  things  that  way.'  I  told  him  that  I  shouldn't 
like  to  offer  him  money  for  a  service  of  the  kind ;  but  I 
said  it  rather  doubtfully,  I  suppose,  for  he  said,  as  if 
shocked,  '  Money  for  waiting  on  a  lady  T  and  I  hastened 
to  make  the  amende  honorable.  He  told  me  he  had  been 
in  the  Southern  army ;  and  he's  called  '  Cap'n,'  I  notice, 
— a  non-commissioned  officer,  perhaps  ;  but  I  don't  think 
there  can  be  any  doubt  that  he  was  in  Stonewall  Jack 
son's  command,  and  that  is  title  enough.  '  Old  Bluo- 


268  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Lights'  he  called  him.  He  boasts  of  having  been  ten 
years  in  the  service  of  this  company  as  though  it  were 
forty,  and  thinks  it,  he  told  me,  <  the  greatest  road  on 
the  top  of  the  earth,'  which  is  certainly  conclusive, 
though  not  proved.  Altogether,  I  was  amused  by  my 
talk  with  him ;  and  he  was  a  little  too  '  accommodating' 
about  one  thing, — introductions  to  two  or  three  men 
sitting  there." 

"  Fancy  being  introduced  to  people  by  the  guard !" 
Mrs.  Sykes  exclaimed;  but  this  also  was  an  effort  to 
which  the  English  imagination  was  wholly  unequal. 
"  I  wonder  where  it  stops !  Do  bootblacks  and  sweeps 
introduce  their  patrons  to  each  other?  Is  there  no 
limit  to  this  dreadful  radicalism  ?  What  kind  of  men 
were  they  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Sykes. 

"  Two  of  them  appeared  to  be  gentlemen  ;  the  third 
looked  to  be  a  respectable  grazier,  or  something  of  that 
sort,"  said  Sir  Kobert. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  the  two  "  gentlemen"  were  a 
couple  of  clean-looking,  well-dressed,  side-whiskered 
Boston  drummers,  with  handsome  portmanteaus  con 
taining  "  samples,"  light  overcoats,  velvet  caps,  and  an 
easy  air  of  proprietorship  of  the  train  and  lordly  su 
periority  to  their  fellow-passengers  that  had  not  been 
without  its  eifect,  while  the  "  grazier"  was  a  judge  of 
the  Supreme  Court  of  the  State  through  which  he  was 
passing,  a  man  of  property  and  influence,  whose  address 
was  better  than  his  dress,  fortunately,  and  whose  repu 
tation  could  stand  the  clothes-test  when  it  was  applied 
to  him,  though  it  never  occurred  to  him  that  such  a 
test  would  be  applied,  much  less  that  he  might  with 
advantage  give  a  little  more  time  and  thought  to  the 


0^  THIS  SIDE.  269 

adornment  of  the  outer  man.  The  caps  aroused  Sir 
Robert's  envy.  "  So  stupid  of  me  not  to  have  provided 
mj'self  with  something  of  the  sort.  This  stiff  hat  of 
mine  is  not  the  thing  at  all  for  these  long  journeys.  I 
wonder —  Let  me  see,"  said  he.  And,  opening  his 
Gladstone  bag,  he  presently  fished  out  a  white  cotton 
night-cap  with  a  red  tassel,  and,  putting  it  on,  settled 
himself  for  a  nap,  saying,  "  Yery  comfortable  substitute, 
— very.  I  wonder  I  did  not  think  of  it  before." 

He  did  not  see  the  ripple  of  amusement  that  ran 
through  the  car  over  this  incongruous  addition  to  the 
toilet  of  a  highly-respectable  elderly  gentleman;  but 
it  would  have  made  no  difference  if  he  had.  He  had 
not  given  a  thought  to  its  effect  on  his  fellow-travellers, 
but  would  have  been  quite  indifferent  to  any  such  ex 
pression  of  public  opinion,  knowing  the  impossibility 
of  his  ever  being  ridiculous. 

He  was  still  asleep  when  they  reached  Point  of  Rocks, 
where  they  were  to  change  cars  for  the  West.  As  soon 
as  they  could  collect  their  various  effects,  they  scram 
bled  down  the  steps  of  their  car,  near  which  the  con 
ductor  was  standing  with  a  lantern,  the  engine  of  tho 
next  train  puffing  impatiently  as  it  pulled  in  alongside. 

Mrs.  Sykes  was  first,  and  was  met  by  a  warning 
caution,  "  Mind  you  don't  step  there.  This  way." 

Then  came  Miss  Noel.  The  conductor  seized  her 
arm  firmly.  "  Be  careful,  grandma.  Mind  that  broken 
rail  sticking  up  there,"  he  said.  And  then  to  Ethel, 
"  Come  on,  young  miss ;"  and  to  Parsons,  "  Give  me 
them  things,  lady.  This  way.  Follow  me." 

A  general  scramble  ensued,  after  which  they  found 
themselves  transferred  to  the  new  train,  and  caught  a 

23* 


270  ON  BOTH  SIDES 

glimpse  of  their  "accommodating"  ex-conductor  climb 
ing  up  the  steps  of  the  car  they  had  vacated,  with  a  fat 
baby  in  his  arms,  or  rather  left  arm,  and  a  carpet-bag 
in  the  right  hand,  both  the  property  of  a  lady  he  had 
just  assisted  to  enter. 

"  He  called  Parsons  '  my  lady,' "  commented  Mrs». 
Sykes,  when  they  had  somewhat  composed  themselves, 
"and  you  'grandma.'  I  told  you  what  would  be  the 
result  of  encouraging  him  as  you  did,  instead  of  putting 
him  down.  It  is  a  mercy  your  distinguished  relative 
didn't  say,  '  Walker,'  with  his  fingers  spread  out  from 
his  nose,  by  way  of  farewell.  Another  time  you  will 
believe  me,  perhaps.  The  impertinence  of  it !" 

The  young  men,  who  now  heard  of  it  for  the  first 
time,  were  exquisitely  tickled  by  the  situation,  and  gave 
way  to  regular  guffaws,  and  half  choked  in  their  efforts 
to  control  themselves.  Ethel  could  not  help  joining  in. 
Miss  Noel  looked  what  she  felt,  completely  bewildered, 
but  attempted  a  faint  "  Perhaps  it  was  not '  grandma,' 
but  something  else.  Such  a  civil  creature  as  he  ap 
peared." 

Sir  Robert  growled  out  something  about  u  an  impu 
dent  Radical  rascal." 

Parsons  looked  altogether  unconscious,  which  is  the 
well-bred  English  "  domestic's"  way  of  taking  part  in 
such  scenes.  At  least,  she  did  until  Miss  Noel's  eyes 
wandered  to  her,  and  she  said,  "  Did  you  hear  the  man? 
Was  it  that?"  when  she  appealed  in  her  turn. 

"  It  was,  mem.  I  'card  it  as  plain  as  plain.  What  sort 
of  a  country  'ave  wo  got  to,  mem  ?"  she  said,  vague 
alarm  and  vivid  disgust  painted  on  her  prim  counte 
nance. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  271 

"  1  don't  know,  I  am  sure,"  responded  her  mistress 
plaintively. 

There  was  nothing  that  struck  them  as  eccentric 
about  the  next  guard,  a  severe  official  of  few  words,  in 
whom  they  only  missed  that  general  bouquet  of  subser 
vience  to  which  they  were  accustomed  in  men  of  his 
class.  Mr.  Ramsay's  one  idea  of  travelling  in  America 
was  getting  to  that  vague  region,  misty,  illimitable, 
fascinating,  where  there  was  a  profusion  of  game  of 
all  kinds,  and  from  time  to  time  he  would  hazard  a 
;<  I  say,  my  man,  we  are  getting  out  pretty  fast,  aren't 
we  ?  Is  it  far  from  here  to-^to  the  wild  part  ?"  which 
he  had  gleaned  in  Washington  must  not  be  looked  for 
immediately  along  the  Atlantic  seaboard,  or  a  brisk  "  Is 
there  good  sport  about  here,  do  you  know  ?"  and  felt 
himself  snubbed  by  the  answer: 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  mean.  Are  you  talkin' 
about  Harper's  Ferry?  Some  people  call  that  wild: 
and  there  was  shootin'  enough  about  there  during  the 
war." 

There  was  the  usual  small  excitement  at  the  Ferry 
to  see  the  arsenal  and  the  exact  spot  where  John  Brown 
was  imprisoned.  Sir  Robert  was  concluding  his  nap,  and 
Mrs.  Sykes  asked  of  a  neighbor,  "•  What's  all  this  talk 
about  the  queen's  gillie?"  and  was  given  a  not  very 
lucid  account  of  the  insurrection  at  that  spot,  which 
she  afterward  repeated  to  her  companions,  and  from 
which  they  learned  how  "a  Southern  desperado  stirred 
up  the  Northern  whites  against  the  blacks,  and  got 
hanged  for  his  pains."  On  being  told  by  the  same 
neighbor  that  the  scenery  "'bout  there"  was  "unsur 
passed  in  the  world,"  and  implored  to  look  out,  she  put 


272  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

her  head  out  of  the  window  and  regarded  the  Virginia 
and  Maryland  heights,  and  the  rivers  rippling  in  the 
moonlight,  for  a  moment,  and  then  settled  back  in  her 
seat,  s'aying  that  she  knew  dozens  of  prettier  places  in 
Derbyshire  alone,  and  that  it  was  all  nonsense  talking 
like  that, — a  speech  that  greatly  disconcerted  the  person 
to  whom  it  was  addressed.  Miss  Noel,  on  the  other 
side  of  the  car,  and  Ethel,  at  the  next  window,  pro 
nounced  it  "Lovely!"  "  So  bold  !"  "Beautiful!"  and  in 
cidentally  found  the  suspension  bridge  of  interest.  The 
young  men  found  the  bridge  absorbing :  all  during  their 
brief  stay  they  stared  at  it  from  the  platform,  and  they 
waked  Sir  Robert  that  he  might  not  miss  it.  As  for 
the  view,  it  was  "  not  half  bad."  Parsons,  like  Mrs. 
Sykes,  took  one  glance  at  it,  and  fell  to  nibbling  furtively 
at  a  sandwich,  public  attention  being  safely  diverted 
for  the  time. 

After  this,  they  rolled  and  rattled  on  without  incident, 
until  it  became  a  question  of  disposing  of  themselves 
for  the  night.  None  of  them  had  ever  taken  a  sleeping- 
car  before,  except  Sir  Eobert,  and  they  found  it  a  pro 
ceeding  as  amusing  as  it  was  novel.  But  a  hitch  arose 
in  it  before  many  minutes,  the  same  berth  having  been 
sold  by  mistake  to  two  persons,  Mrs.  Sykes  and  a  nice 
old  lady  from  New  York,  going  to  Chicago  to  see  a 
daughter  at  the  point  of  death.  A  dispute  arose,  in 
which  Mrs.  Sykes  showed  an  angry  and  determined 
spirit  and  the  old  lady  a  kind  of  feeble  violence.  Each 
insisted  that  she  had  bought  and  paid  for  that  berth 
and  meant  to  have  it,  claim  it  who  might.  The  con- 

'  O 

ductor,  being  summoned,  could  only  say  that  there  had 
been  a  mistake,  and  he  suggested  that  as  the  berth  was 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  273 

the  lower  one  they  could  share  it, — a  compromise  which 
could  not  have  been  more  emphatically  rejected  if  the 
nice  old  lady  had  been  a  recently-recovered  smallpox 
patient.  If  it  had  rested  with  her,  the  poor  old  woman 
would  certainly  have  been  compelled  to  sit  up  all  night ; 
but  happily,  while  Miss  Noel  was  anxiously  thinking 
of  some  plan  for  preventing  this,  a  gentleman  who  had 
overheard  the  discussion  cheerfully  gave  up  his  bed, 
saying  that  the  idea  of  a  woman  of  that  age  being 
made  to  undergo  such  discomfort  was  "  shameful." 

When  at  last  they  were  all  disposed  of,  Mrs.  Sykes 
was  not  able  to  immediately  reap  the  fruits  of  her  sel 
fish  triumph,  for  there  was  in  the  company  the  peren 
nial  communicative  traveller  who,  like  the  poor,  is  al 
ways  with  us  in  America.  This  time  it  was  a  man  from 
Florida,  who  in  a  loud  voice  gave  a  full  account  of  him 
self  in  the  past  and  present,  supplemented  by  his  plans 
for  the  future,  to  a  fellow-passenger  with  an  apparent 
thirst  for  pure  detail,  who  asked  question  upon  question 
and  filled  any  chance  silence  with  commonplace  com 
ments  that  grew  gradually  shorter  and  sleepier.  On 
and  on  went  the  Floridian,  until  his  auditors  were  fairly 
desperate,  telling  of  what  he  considered  "  good  eating" 
and  what  he  "never  could  touch,"  of  his  plantation,  his 
"  awranges,"  the  average  yield  of  the  trees,  the  causes 
of  abnormal  success  or  failure,  and  then  of  his  wife, 
where  he  met  her,  how  he  had  "  courted  her"  in  the 
teeth  of  opposing  parents  and  married  her  "  in  spite  of 
the  whole  crowd,"  of  how  she  had  made  "  a  first-rate 
wife, — no  discount  on  her,"  of  how  he  was  "  perfectly 
devoted  to  her,"  and  she  "worshipped"  him,  with  illus 
trations  of  this  fact.  And  then  came  an  account  of  her 


274  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

death,  that  somewhat  roused  his  tired  companion,  who 
languidly  asked  if  she  was  "  a  professin'  Christian," 
upon  which  it  appeared  that  there  "  never  was  on  the 
green  earth  a  piouser  woman  or  one  that  kept  her  house 
tetter." 

"  What  was  her  las'  words  ?  do  you  disremember 
'em  ?"  asked  the  companion  again,  with  revived  interest. 

"  They  was,  '  Ha !  ha!  ha!  call  in  the  friends!'  She 
sorter  laft,  you  understand,"  said  the  bereaved  husband. 
"  And  when  it  come  to  choosin'  a  verse  for  her  tombstone, 
Brown  he  couldn't  think  of  no  verse  except  R.  I.  P., 
which  sounded  to  me  disrespectful,  like  '  let  her  rip,'  and 
I  couldn't,  and  me  and  him  bothered  over  it  till  he  sez 
to  me,  '  Look  here,  Joe,  what  was  her  las'  words  ?'  And 
I  told  him,  and  he '  said  that  was  the  very  thing,  and 
put  that,  with  a  weepin'  willow  over  it, — the  handsomest 
tombstone  that  ever  you  saw  in  all  your  born  days !" 

He  was  going  on  with  some  further  particulars  of 
his  domestic  life,  the  appearance  and  peculiarities  of 
"Jane,"  sole  daughter  of  his  house  and  heart,  when 
Mrs.  Sykes,  who  had  been  bouncing  about  in  a  fury 
behind  her  curtains,  sat  up  in  bed,  and,  in  a  voice  whose 
raucous  and  excessively  British  accents  contrasted  most 
ludicrously  with  those  of  the  preceding  speakers,  said, 
"  Would  you  be  good  enough,  whoever  you  are  and 
wherever  you  are,  to  keep  yourself  and  your  affairs  to 
yourself,  and  allow  an  English  lady,  who  doesn't  care  a 
pin  about  you,  or  your  wife,  or  your  daughter,  or  any  • 
thing  connected  with  you,  to  go  to  sleep  ?"  She  thought 
of  and  spoke  for  herself  alone,  but  so  admirably  ex 
pressed  the  general  exasperation  that  a  loud  laugh  foJ- 
lowed. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  275 

"Well,  I  never!"  said  the  Floridian  in  subdued  tones. 

"  Did  you  ever  ?"  commented  his  companion. 

"  Haw !  haw  I"  burst  out  Mr.  Kamsay,  and  then  shut 
off  his  laughter  so  suddenly  that  a  snort  would  force  its 
way  out. 

"  Confound  the  woman !"  thought  Sii  Robert,  annoyed. 

"  Dear,  dear  1  how  can  she  make  hei  self  so  dreadfully 
conspicuous  ?  I  wish  she  wouldn't,"  Miss  Noel  remarked 
under  her  breath  to  Ethel.  Some  little  tittering  and 
whispering  followed  this  outburst,  but  in  ten  minutes 
Mrs.  Sykes  had  gained  the  day,  or  rather  night,  and  the 
car  was  as  still  as  a  car  can  be. 

When  Mr.  Ketchum  went  down  to  the  Kalsing  Station 
to  meet  his  friends,  he  made  an  early  start,  to  be  sure 
of  welcoming  them,  and  found  his  clerk,  Tom  Price, 
already  on  the  ground,  waiting  to  pick  up  such  crumbs 
of  information  as  might  be  lying  about  for  the  early 
bird.  It  was  one  of  Mr.  Price's  crosses  that  he  could 
not  see  all  the  trains  come  in. 

"  Mornin'.  How  are  you  ?"  asked  Mr.  Price,  promptly 
joining  him. 

Mr.  Ketchum  nodded,  and  responded  by  a  curt  "All 
right." 

"Pretty  day,  ain't  it?  Expecting  anybody?"  in- 
quired  Mr.  Price,  knowing  as  well  as  he  did  the  errand 
upon  which  he  had  come. 

Mr.  Ketchum  nodded  again,  and  lit  a  cigai. 

"  Which  way  are  they  coming  from  ?"  said  Mr.  Price, 
pursuing  the  subject. 

"  Washington,"  replied  Mr.  Ketchum  laconically. 

"  Washington  1"  repeate  1  Mr.  Price,  fixing  on  him  his 


276  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

email  red  eyes.  "  Is  that  so  ?  Pleasant  place,  Wash 
ington,  I've  heard.  Ladies  or  gentlemen  ?" 

"  Both,  I  think ;  but  you  had  better  take  my  affidavit," 
said  Mr.  Ketchum,  the  twinkle  coming  in  his  eye. 

"  Known  them  long  ?"  asked  Mr.  Price. 

"  Well,  that  depends,"  replied  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  Count 
ing  by  the  Pyramids,  I  met  them  yesterday  ;  and  by 
the  dentist's  chair,  I  have  known  them  a  thousand 
years." 

"  You  are  joking  now,  ain't  you  ?  I'm  not  curious 
about  it  myself,  but  they  do  say  in  Kalsing  that  you've 
got  a  lord  coming  to  make  you  a  visit, — an  English  lord. 
Is  that  so  ?"  Mr.  Price  continued. 

"  The  lord  knows  that  to  be  a  pure  invention,"  replied 
Mr.  Ketchum. 

"What!  You  haven't  got  anybody  coming,  then? 
Fool  who  ?  Why  did  you  bring  the  big  carriage,  and 
the  little  one,  and  a  cart  besides,  and  leave  them  ovei 
yonder  by  Stites's  store  ?" 

"  I  didn't  say  that,"  replied  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"You  have  got  somebodj^  coming, — somebody  par 
ticular.  If  he  isn't  a  lord,  what  is  he,  eh  ?"  said  Mr. 
Price,  in  the  tone  of  a  man  who  has  a  duty  to  society 
to  perform  and  doesn't  mean  to  be  put  off. 

"  A  baronet,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"A  baronet!  You  don't  say  so!"  exclaimed  Mi. 
Price,  with  the  liveliest  interest,  though  he  had  no  idea 
what  a  baronet  was,  perhaps  for  that  very  reason.  His 
eyes  dilated,  and  the  next  question  was  still  more  eagerly 
put :  "  Where  did  you  know  him  ?  A  baronet !  Well, 
well !  You  are  not  trying  to  deceive  me  now,  are  you  ? 
because  it's  no  use.  You  are  not  joking?" 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  277 

"  No,  I'm  not.  He  is  a  real,  genuine,  simon-pure, 
blown-in-the-bottle,  send-for-circulars,  none-genuine-un- 
less-stamped-with-the-lion-and-unicorn,  British  baronet, 
and  no  mistake,"  maintained  Mr.  Ketchum. 

Mr.  Price  looked  puzzled  for  a  moment.  His  em 
ployer  was  often  an  enigma  to  him.  "  He's  a  sort  of 
lord,  I  guess,  now,  ain't  he  ?  And  a  friend  of  yours, 
you  say.  Eich?"  he  said,  pursuing  his  inquiries  as 
seriously  as  before. 

.  "  Well,  I  don't  know  about  that.  He  hasn't  nursed 
me  through  smallpox,  and  I  never  have  tried  to  borrow 
any  money  from  him,  if  that  is  what  you  mean  by  a 
friend.  And  I  don't  know  what  the  wages  of  a  baronet 
are  when  he  is  at  home.  You'll  excuse  me,  Tom,  if  I 
step  out  of  the  witness-box  for  a  moment  now.  There's 
the  whistle."  Mr.  Ketchum  walked  away  briskly  to 
ward  the  approaching  train.  When  he  got  to  the  last 
car,  containing  his  friends,  Sir  Robert  was  .already  out 
on  the  platform,  peering  through  his  eye-glasses,  with 
a  wall-of-Troy  wrinkle  of  anxiety  on  his  forehead,  and 
the  doubtful  air  of  a  man  whose  surroundings  are  un 
familiar. 

"  Has  there  been  a  Mr.  Job  Ketchum — "  he  began. 

"  That  was  my  maiden-name  !"  exclaimed  its  owner, 
and,  bounding  up  the  steps,  he  seized  both  of  Sir  Robert's 
hands  and  shook  them  with  the  utmost  heartiness,  his 
face  beaming  forth  a  welcome  that  required  no  transla 
tion.  "  Well,  here  you  are  at  last !  Delighted  to  see 
you,  all  of  you !  Delighted !  Where  are  the  othera  ?" 
said  he ;  and  the  sight  of  so  friendly  a  face  and  the 
warmth  of  his  cordial  greeting  made  Sir  Robert  un 
usually  effusive  in  return.  "  Got  you  on  my  own  ground 

24 


278  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

iiow  ;  can  s'jalp  you  at  my  leisure,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum, 
describing  as  he  spoke  an  imaginary  circle  around  Sir 
Eobert's  head,  and  then,  running  an  arm  through  his, 
he  drew  him  into  the  car,  saying,  "  I  am  as  glad  to  see 
you  as  though  you  were  my  long-lost  brother  with  the 
mark  of  a  strawberry  on  the  end  of  your  nose." 

Greetings  followed,  and  introductions,  Ethel  and  Mis? 
Noel  and  Mr.  Ramsay  being  strangers  to  him.  More 
hospitable  assurances  followed  as  they  left  the  car. 
Mr.  Ketchum  was  neatly  dressed,  but  wore  a  crumpled 
linen  "  duster ;"  his  hat  was  pushed  a  little  back  in  im 
patient  protest  against  some  question  of  Mr.  Price's  > 
the  day  being  warm,  his  face  was  flushed,  and  he  fanned 
himself  vigorously  with  a  large  palm-leaf  fan  as  he 
talked. 

Altogether,  Mrs.  Sykes  disapproved  of  him,  and  re 
sponded  but  coolly  to  his  welcome.  Her  ideas  of  re 
finement  being  purely  conventional  ones,  she  privately 
at  the  time,  and  publicly  later,  pronounced  him  "  vul 
gar,"  and — what  she  meant  to  be  conclusively  crushing 
— "  so  American."  She  asked  tepidly  after  "  Mrs.  Ket 
chum"  (meaning  his  wife),  and  fell  to  fondling  her 
•'  precious  angel  Bobo,"  paying  small  attention  to  his 
reply,  in  which  he  explained  that  she  had  twisted  her 
ankle  the  day  before,  and  that  she  regretted  very  much 
not  being  able  to  meet  them.  The  others  were  not  so 
critical,  and  were  much  pleased  by  the  friendliness  he 
showed  and  the  welcome  he  gave  them. 

"  My  shebang  is  around  here  just  a  step,"  explained 
Mr.  Ketchum.  "  The  horses  are  not  used  to  the  loco 
motive." 

"  You  are  sure  you  have  got  all  the  parcels,  Pai-sons  ?" 


Off  THIS  SIDE.  279 

Miss  Noel  stopped  to  inquire,  her  anxiety  being  a  chronic 
one. 

"  Here,  give  those  to  ine.  That  bag  is  too  heavy  for  a 
woman  to  carry,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum,  his  attention  thus 
attracted  to  Parsons  loaded  down  with  various  articles. 
He  took  the  heaviest  from  her  as  he  spoke,  and  marched 
a  little  in  advance  of  the  party,  leading  the  way  to  where 
the  carriages  stood, — a  handsome  landau  and  a  dog-cart 
drawn  by  two  pairs  of  beautiful  Kentucky  horses.  If 
there  was  a  thing  that  Mr.  Ketchum  liked,  it  was  fine 
horses,  and  his  stable  boasted  no  less  than  sixteen,  while 
his  coach-house  sheltered  a  great  variety  of  vehicles,  it 
being  his  favorite  amusement  to  ride  and  drive.  The 
turn-outs  were  a  surprise  to  Mrs.  Sykes,  who  had  argued, 
from  the  careless  appearance  of  her  host,  poverty.  And, 
as  poverty  was  the  only  hopelessly  vulgar  thing  in  her 
eyes,  some  animation  and  satisfaction  began  to  dawn  in 
her  manner.  "  What  perfect  beauties !  Do  you  give 
them  much  oil-cake,  that  they  shine  so?  And  .those 
dear  ponies  over  there,  with  the  white  faces  and  stock 
ings  !  Eeally,  it  is  too  bad  that  Mabel  could  not  have 
come  out.  I  hope  it  is  nothing  serious,"  she  commented 
affably,  as  she  was  helped  into  the  landau,  followed  by 
Miss  Noel  and  Ethel,  while  Parsons  was  put  up  on  the 
box  next  a  coachman  of  ineffable  blackness  and  terrible 
appearance  from  her  point  of  view, — a  most  harmless 
creature,  from  whom  she  shrunk  as  from  a  gorilla.  The 
•three  gentlemen  were  standing  a  little  apart,  discuss 
ing  tbo  points  of  the  ponies,  and  Mr.  Eamsay  and  Mr. 
Heathcote,  who  were  always  laying  wagers  about  tri 
fling  matters,  had  disagreed  as  to  their  height  and 
staked  ten  shillings  apiece  on  the  infallibility  of  their 


280  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

judgments,  when  Mr.  Ketchum  joined  them.  On  being 
asked  about  it,  he  gave  his  verdict,  with  the  usual  re 
sult, — a  distaste  for  abstract  truth  on  the  part  of  the 
loser,  who  determined  to  make  accurate  measurements 
later. 

"  I  go  where  beauty  waits  me,"  said  Mr.  Ketehum, 
waving  his  hand  toward  the  landau.  "  Get  in,  Sir  Eob- 
ert.  Get  in,  you  fellows."  Then,  noticing  Mr.  Eamsay's 
eyes  still  fixed  admiringly  on  the  ponies,  he  said  to 
him,  "  Would  you  like  to  drive  ?  If  so,  go  ahead ;  that 
is,  if  you  know  what  you  are  about,  as  I  suppose  you 
do,  being  a  Britisher,"  he  said. 

"  I  should  like  it,"  said  Mr.  Eamsay,  preparing  to 
avail  himself  of  the  permission.  He  had  a  passion  for 
horse-flesh,  was  a  capital  whip,  and  was  longing  to  get 
the  ribbons  in  his  own  hands.  "  I  don't  think  I  sball 
come  to  grief.  I  don't  pretend  to  be  a  swell  at  it,  but 
I've  got  Heathcote  here  to  advise  me,  and  it  is  not  the 
first  time,"  he  modestly  added. 

"All  right,"  acquiesced  Mr.  Ketchum,  and,  calling 
their  coachman,  an  immense  Irishman  with  what  his 
master  called  "  a  six-inch  smile,"  he  gave  him  instruc 
tions  to  get  certain  things  in  Kalsing  and  follow  in  the 
wagon  with  the  luggage ;  after  which  he  took  his  seat 
in  the  landau,  and  they  rolled  away  through  the  streets 
of  a  handsome  city  and  out  into  the  open  country  be 
yond.  Mr.  Ketchum  was  not  one  of  those  superla 
tively-cultured,  globe-travelled  persons  who  would  never  • 
dream  of  committing  such  a  solecism  as  admiring  any 
thing  in  an  American  town  of  modest  pretensions.  OD 
the  contrary,  he  had  a  natural  honest  pride  in  Kalsing, 
and  a  decided  interest  in  everything  that  appertained 


OiV  THIS  SIDE.  281 

to  it,  though  he  was  not  in  the  habit  of  boring  people 
with  its  perfections.  He  found  a  great  many  things  to 
point  out, — the  wide,  cleanly  avenues,  watered  by  a 
newly-invented  machine  daily,  and  delightfully  free 
from  dust,  the  broad  asphalt  pavements,  bordering  them 
the  fine  shade-trees,  the  new  market,  the  Roman  Cath 
olic  cathedral,  and  a  dozen  other  features  of  the  pros 
perous,  pleasant  town,  such  as  the  gas,  electric  lights, 
handsome  private  dwellings,  the  just-finished  opera- 
house  that  "  cost  a  million,"  and  so  on ;  all  of  which 
Sir  Robert  was  noting  for  himself  in  the  rear,  further 
wondering  about  the  city's  water-supply,  sewerage,  fire- 
brigade,  municipal  management,  thinking  that  his  pre 
vious  conceptions  of  the  "  Western  wilds"  would  have 
to  be  decidedly  modified,  not  to  say  changed  altogether, 
and  honestly  confessing  the  amazing  spread  of  civiliza 
tion  over  a  country  so  very  lately,  as  he  counted  time, 
in  the  possession  of  "  a  few  instincts  on  logs,  holding 
tomahawks."  The  churches  were  not  like  the  vener 
able  buildings  whose  towers  and  spires  stood  so  thickly 
together  in  his  own  beautiful  island,  the  stones  of  whose 
gray  walls  seem  to  have  a  prayer  in  every  pore ;  the 
houses  had  not  the  historical,  architectural,  and  aesthetic 
charm  of  many  that  he  could  easily  recall,  nor  the  land 
scape  upon  which  they  were  now  entering  the  mellow 
perfection  of  that  lovely  garden,  England  ;  but  he  saw 
here,  as  he  had  done  everywhere  in  America,  something 
better  than  the  bloom  of  a  great  civilization,  its  roots 
already  vigorous  and  far-spreading,  and,  having  a  strong 
love  of  humanity,  it  rejoiced  him  more  to  see  evidences 
that  there  was  bread,  work,  shelter  for  all,  than  if  he 
had  come  continually  upon  a  Chats  worth  or  Alton 

24* 


282  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Towers  projected  mentally  against  a  background  of 
hovels  and  squalid  misery.  His  imagination  was 
touched  by  the  thought  of  the  future  stretching  before 
a  country  of  whose  extent  and  resources  he  was  getting 
a  better  idea  every  day,  and  that  of  its  people,  in  whose 
conquests  and  triumphs  he  was  growing  to  feel  an  inter 
est,  to  whose  fresh  and  joyous  energies  everything 
seemed  possible,  and  from  whom  he  hoped  better  things 
than  merely  material  results,  however  splendid.  He 
was  deep  in  speculation  about  the  America  of  a  hundred 
years  hence,  when  the  landau  drew  up,  and  Mr.  Ket- 
chum's  voice  was  heard  calling  his  attention  to  the 
well- wooded,  fertile  valley  into  which  they  were  de 
scending.  "  Pretty  rolling  country,  isn't  it  ?"  he  said. 
("  I  suppose  he  means  undulating,"  thought  Sir  Robert.) 
"  Best  land  in  the  State,"  Mr.  Ketchum  went  on. 

"•  What  is  the  name  of  that  beautiful  stream  ?  Some 
very  important  river,  I'm  sure,  whose  name  I  ought  to 
know  without  being  told,  to  judge  from  its  appearance," 
said  Miss  Noel. 

"  Oh,  that  is  a  little  river  called  the  Miatomo,"  replied 
Mr.  Ketchum,  not  meaning  to  boast,  any  more  than  he 
had  meant  to  sneer  when  he  first  saw  the  Thames  and 
asked,  "  what  little  river  that  was." 

"  Miatomo.  How  very  soft  and  pretty  !  What  does 
It  mean  ?"  asked  Ethel. 

"  Oh,  daughter  of  the  Sun,  or  Sister  of  the  Clouds, 
or  something.  I  forget  exactly,"  responded  Mr.  Ket 
chum. 

S;.r  Eobert  was  about  to  ask  what  the  yield  of  wheat 
was  to  the  acre,  Mr.  Eamsay  was  eager  to  know  if  there 
was  good  fishing  in  the  river,  and  Ethel  was  about  to 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  283 

reproach  Mr.    Ketclium  with   his   indifference  to  the 
poetry  of  its  nomenclature,  when  Mrs.  Sykes  broke  in: 

"  Why  do  you  build  those  hideous  white  wooden 
houses  with  green  blinds,  all  exactly  alike  wherever 
we  go,  and  so  inexpressibly  ugly,  and  set  in  such 
wretchedly  unsightly  grounds  ?" 

"Ahem!  Those  are  very  curious  but  very  pictur 
esque  fences,"  put  in  Miss  Noel  hastily.  "  What  should 
I  call  them,  now  ?  Timber  must  be  very  plentiful  in 
this  part.  And  you  must  tell  me  the  name  of  that 
charming  little  brook  over  there,  overhung  by  pollard 
willows.  Look !  near  that  copse  of  arbor- vitse,  beyond 
the  rick-yard." 

"  Where  ?"  asked  Mr.  Ketchum,  who  had  some  diffi 
culty  in  identifying  these  landmarks. 

"  Right  away  to  the  left  of  that  bullfinch  there,  and 
running  like  a  mill-race,"  said  Mr.  Ramsay,  pointing 
with  his  whip. 

Mr.  Ketchum's  eyes  followed  the  direction.  "Oh, 
that!  That  is  Hog  Creek;  and  the  one  running  paral 
lel  with  that  deep  gully  on  the  right  is  Snickers'  Creek. 
The  fence  you  asked  about  is  called  a  snake-fence,  Miss 
Noel,"  he  said. 

(" '  Gully :'  that  is  a  Devonshire  word.  I  wonder 
how  it  got  over  here  ?  I  must  look  into  that,"  thought 
Sir  Robert.) 

"  Is  that  because  they  afford  refuges  for  serpents  in 
the  corners  ?  Are  there  many  reptiles  about  here  ?  and 
are  they  very  venomous  ?"  asked  Miss  Noel,  raising  her 
voice  purposely  to  drown  Mrs.  Sykes's  murmur,  "  What 
shockingly  vulgar  names !" 

"  I  remember  to  have  read  such  alarming  accounts  of 


284  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

the  American  serpents,  the  boa-constrictors,  and  coach« 
whips,  and  anacondas,  and  rattlesnakes,  and  a  lot  more 
that  I  can't  recollect,  in  the  swamps  and  savannas.  But 
these  are  the  prairies :  we  haven't  come  to  the  savannas 
yet :  so  I  suppose  there  is  not  much  to  fear.  I  have 
such  a  horror  of  the  creatures."  Miss  Noel  could  not 
divorce  South  America  from  North  America,  though 
Sir  Eobert  had  read  her  quite  a  lecture  on  the  subject 
that  very  morning.  She  had  so  long  mingled  them  in 
a  kind  of  mental  phantasmagoria  of  Indians,  prairies, 
gigantic  palms  and  tropical  undergrowth,  gorgeous 
flowers  and  birds,  terrible  beasts  and  reptiles,  that  she 
could  not  all  at  once  reduce  them  to  their  true  propor 
tions  and  set  them  in  the  right  latitude.  "  I  really  never 
feel  quite  safe  about  insects  even,  out  of  England.  I 
dislike  the  whole  tribe  of  flying  and  crawling  nuisances, 
gnats,  midges,  moths,  flies,  harvest-bugs,  slow-worms, 
that  we  have  there,  and  of  course  they  are  much  worse 
here,  and  there  must  be  others  of  which  I  know  noth 
ing.  I  remember  to  have  read  of  your  terrible  white 
ants.  Have  they  any  particular  habitat  ?  And  the  ta 
rantulas.  Do  you  get  many  of  those  about  here  ?" 

"  None  larger  than  a  soup-plate,  and  their  bite  is  not 
instant  death.  You  have  probably  heard  that  it  is :  ex 
aggerated  reports  are  spread  about  them.  The  patient 
frequently  recovers,  though  paralysis  sometimes  sets  in 
afterward,"  Mr.  Ketchum  replied.  And  then,  seeing 
that  he  was  being  taken  quite  seriously  and  the  concern 
on  Miss  Noel's  kind  face,  he  hastened  to  explain  that 
they,  had  nothing  to  fear,  and  that  he  had  been  joking, 
— a  welcome  assurance  to  a  nervous  old  lady  devoted  to 
botanizing.  "Our  aunts  are  not  very  terrible  in  this 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  285 

courtly:  it  is  the  mothers-in-law  that  make  us  stand 
around  and  look  out  for  squalls. — Mr.  Ramsay !  oh,  Mr. 
Ramsay!  suppose  you  pull  ahead,  now,  and  take  the 
lead.  The  piebalds  seem  restless.  Straight  ahead  for 
about  a  mile,  and  then  turn  to  the  left." 

Mr.  Ramsay  dashed  past  the  landau  in  fine  Hyde- 
Park-Corner  style,  saying  to  Mr.  Heathcote,  "  I  wish  I 
owned  these  little  beasts  and  was  tooling  over  Brighton 
Downs  or  through  the  Park  with  them.  This  fellow 
must  have  picked  up  a  lot  of  money  somehow.  Wonder 
how  he  did  it  ?  Queer  sort  of  chap,  isn't  he  ?  Gentle 
man  ?" 

"  M-m.     Hardly,"  replied  Mr.  Heathcote. 

"  He  seems  a  jolly  sort,  anyway,  and  knows  a  decent 
horse, — unless  he  gets  somebody  else  to  choose  them  for 
him,"  said  Mr.  Ramsay. 

The  landau  followed  briskly.  "  How  much  nicer  this 
is  than  being  shut  up  in  that  stuffy  carriage !  I  was  so 
crowded,  and  it  was  so  hot  and  dusty.  I  thought  the 
journey  would  never  end,  and  over  quite  the  most  mo 
notonous,  uninteresting  country  that  I  ever  saw,"  said- 
Mrs.  Sykes. 

The  complaint  of  being  crowded  was  a  frequent  one 
with  her,  made  with  much  bitterness, — the  fact  being 
that  it  was  her  practice  to  get  a  couple  of  seats  turned 
to  face  each  other,  and,  with  her  boxes  and  bags,  take 
up  the  place  intended  for  four  travellers ;  an  arrange 
ment  in  which  they  naturally  did  not  acquiesce,  and 
which  gave  room  for  sundry  comments  on  her  part  upon 
the  "  rudeness  and  selfishness  of  the  Americans.  We 
were  told  at  Washington  that  we  should  get  in  an  hour 
earlier  than  we  did ;  but  it  scorns  there  is  no  reliance  to 


286  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

be  put  upon  any  information  that  one  gets  here.  A 
most  unpleasant  journey,  with  a  disagreeable,  dirty  lot 
of  people  around  me,  too.  And  such  a  time  about  it  1 
It  took  an  hour  to  go  twenty-five  miles,  in  one  place." 

"I  noticed  nothing  of  the  kind.  I  am  sure  that  I 
should  have  found  a  journey  of  equal  length  at  home  far 
more  fatiguing.  One  is  so  cramped  there,"  hurriedly 
supplemented  Miss  Noel. 

"  The  mistake  you  made  was  in  not  letting  the  presi 
dent  of  the  road  know  that  3rou  meant  to  travel  over  it. 
He  would  have  put  a  special  car  at  your  service,  and 
changed  the  schedule,  and  very  likely  have  managed 
the  engine  himself.  He  always  does  that  for  distin 
guished  foreigners,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum.  And  so  entirely 
had  Mrs.  Sykes  convinced  herself  that  she  was  a  pivotal 
centre  about  which  all  Americans  would  and  should 
revolve  in  profound  humility,  that  she  absolutely 
swallowed  in  perfect  good  faith  a  statement  that  Mr. 
Ketchum  had  supposed  would  reach  the  dullest  appre 
hension  and  convey  the  most  unmistakable  moral. 
.  "Oh,  really!"  she  said.  "Another  time  I  shall  re 
member  that.  I  didn't  think  of  that." 

"  Yes,  bear  it  in  mind, — do.  You  ought  not  to  neglect 
these  little  precautions  in  travelling,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  What  a  fine  red  sun  !"  said  Miss  Noel,  not  blinded 
by  her  friend's  colossal  conceit,  and  wishing  to  introduce 
another  topic.  "  If  the  weather  will  only  be  so  obliging 
as  to  hold,  I  make  no  doubt  we  shall  get  all  the  sketch 
ing  we  covet;  and  it  is  very  lovely  about  here.  We 
have  Been  so  fortunate,  thus  far.  For  twenty-five  days 
and  eight  hours  after  we  landed  there  was  no  ram 
Think  of  that !" 


Otf  THIS  SIDE.  287 

"  It  may  not  rain  quite  as  often  as  it  does  at  home, 
but  I  am  sure  when  it  does  rain  there  is  a  regular  down 
pour, — it  fairly  comes  down  in  buckets,"  persisted  the 
malcontent. 

"  Oh,  we  can  easily  arrange  that  for  you,"  said  Mr. 
Ketchum.  "  We—" 

But  what  his  meteorological  scheme  for  regulating 
the  American  rain-fall  was  they  never  knew,  for — an 
interruption  came,  the  landau  stopped,  and  Mr.  Ketchum 
jumped  out  and  ran  down  the  road.  The  others  craned 
their  necks  to  look  after  him,  and  Parsons,  who  loved  a 
sensation,  reported  from  the  box,  "  Oh,  there  has  been 
a  hupset !  They  have  gone  down  a  precipice,  and  are 
all  killed !" 

What  had  really  happened  was  this.  Mr.  Ramsay 
had  for  some  time  been  "  chaffing"  Mr.  Heathcote  about 
being  "  nothing  of  a  whip,"  and  the  latter  had  criticised 
his  way  of  handling  the  ribbons,  until  Mr.  Ramsay  said, 
"  Come  up  here  and  show  us  how  the  thing  ought  to  be 
done,  can't  you  ?" — when  Mr.  Heathcote,  more  for  the 
fun  of  doing  it  than  with  any  idea  of  the  kind,  took  his 
place.  All  went  as  before  for  a  while,  for  Mr.  Heath 
cote  was  in  the  habit  of  driving  his  uncle's  four-in-hand, 
and  knew  what  he  was  about ;  but,  unluckily,  at  a  cer 
tain  point  in  the  road  they  saw  a  wagon  approaching. 
There  was  a  long  heap  of  stones  piled  up  just  there, 
intended  for  the  repair  of  the  turnpike,  on  one  side;  on 
the  other  there  was  an  embankment  sloping  down  to  a 
small  pool  of  water.  There  was  just  room  by  the  closest 
shave  for  Mr.  Heathcote  to  get  by. 

"  Lay  you  five  to  one  that  you  can't  pass,"  said  Mr 
Ramsay. 


288  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"Done!"  said  his  friend,  and  gave  the  ponies  a  flick. 

He  could  have  done  it  "  easily,"  he  always  insisted 
afterward,  but  that  the  wagoner  and  himself  "shilly 
shallied," — Mr.  Heathcote  obeying  the  English  law  of 
the  road  and  keeping  to  the  left,  or  trying  to,  and  the 
other  man  the  American,  but  not  keeping  to  either. 
Result, — a  fall  down  the  not  very  steep  embankment 
for  piebalds,  dog-cart,  and  all,  the  gentlemen  being  shot 
into  the  pool  like  so  many  champagne  corks.  The 
horses,  after  a  flounder  and  scramble,  would  have  bolted, 
but  the  cart  was  on  its  side,  a  dead  weight,  and  Mr. 
Heathcote  picked  himself  up  with  amazing  promptness, 
and,  running  to  their  heads,  swung  on  boldly, — an  ex 
ample  followed  by  Mr.  Ramsay.  So  that  when  Mr. 
Ketchum  came  up  he  fouiwl  three  dripping  but  not 
much  injured  guests,  two  trembling  horses,  a  furious 
wagoner  berating  an  equally  furious  gentleman,  an  en 
raged  baronet  abusing  both  roundly,  a  broken  dog-cart, 
and  the  material  for  as  pretty  a  quarrel  as  can  be 
imagined. 

Down  he  sprang  and  promptly  cut  the  traces ;  then 
he  began  soothing  the  horses.  "  Anybody  hurt  ? — Soh, 
Punch,  soh !  Soh,  Judy ! — How  did  it  happen  ?" 

Explanations  poured  in  so  contradictory  and  inflamma 
tory  that  there  is  no  saying  what  might  not  have  followed 
had  he  not  taken  things  into  his  own  hand,  pacified  and 
dismissed  the  carter,  wrung  a  gallon,  more  or  less,  of 
water  from  Sir  Robert's  coat,  found  his  hat, — and  such 
a  hat ! — and  beckoned  to  his  coachman  to  approach. 

Ethel  and  Miss  Noel  had  scrambled  out,  and  were  re 
garding  the  scene  with  dismay.  Mrs.  Sykes's  anxiety 
had  not  been  uncontrollable,  and  she  had  kept  her  seat 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  289 

While  Sir  Robert,  who  had  now  got  up  on  the  road 
again,  was  abusing  "  that  confounded  pig-headed  idiot 
of  a  nephew,  who  is  always  trying  to  take  the  very 
spokes  out  of  every  wheel  that  passes  him,"  Mr.  Heath- 
cote  was  explaining  to  Mr.  Ketchum  and  apologizing 
for  what  he  had  done  "I  have  often  done  it  before; 
and  if  that  blockhead  had  kept  to  the  left  it  would  have 
been  all  right.  But  I  had  no  right  to  run  any  risks 
with  your  trap,  and  I  beg  your  pardon.  Whatever 
expense — "  he  began. 

"  None  of  that.  Say  no  more  about  it.  Accidents 
will  happen.  Don't  make  yourself  uncomfortable  about 
it.  There  is  no  great  harm  done.  None  of  you  are 
hurt,  fortunately.  May  I  ask  you  to  take  the  reins 
there  and  drive  the  ladies  home,  and  let  Washington 
take  these  horses  ?"  said  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  Sir  Robert 
can  take  my  place,  and  Ramsay  and  I  will  walk.  It  is 
not  more  than  half  a  mile." 

"'And  this  is  the  man  that  I've  been  telling  Ramsay 
wasn't  a  gentleman  !"  thought  Mr.  Heathcote  remorse 
fully  ;  and  he  blushed  most  furiously  over  his  response, 
which  was  not  an  eloquent  one  and  yet  somehow  brought 
the  two  men  nearer  than  they  had  ever  been  before. 
Mr.  Heathcote  declined  to  do  any  more  driving  that  day, 
knowing  that  his  uncle  was  "  too  awfully  riled"  to  ac 
cept  such  a  substitute  for  the  accomplished  Washington ; 
and  it  was  finally  settled  that  Mr.  Ramsay  should  be  hia 
successor.  Mr.  Heathcote  and  he  had  exchanged  a  very 
sheepish  sort  of  laugh  when  they  were  alone  for  a  mo 
ment,  for  several  reasons, — Sir  Robert  being  at  hand  for 
one.  At  another  time,  under  more  favorable  circum 
stances,  they  would  have  roared ;  for  had  not  Mr.  Rum- 
N  t  25 


290  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

say,  in  the  veiy  act  of  shooting  over  the  embankment, 
cried  out,  "  Won !" 

"  Keep  dark  about  that.  If  my  uncle  knew  it,  he 
would  cut  me  off  with  a  shilling,"  Mr.  Heathcote,  had 
said. 

And  so  it  came  about  that  Mrs.  Ketchum,  waiting  on 
the  gallery  for  the  arrival  of  her  guests  in  formal  array, 
with  Mrs.  Ketchum  senior,  Mrs.  Vane,  and  Fraulein 
Schmidt  about  her,  also  attired  with  unusual  care,  and 
her  son  and  heir  befrocked  and  curled  and  ribboned  at 
the  last  moment,  so  as  to  strike  everybody  dumb  by  hia 
noble  beauty,  saw  the  landau  roll  up,  and  received  Sir 
Robert  with  Miss  Noel's  water-proof  on,  three  excited 
ladies,  and  a  strange  coachman  of  the  handsomest  and 
most  pleasing  exterior.  Even  her  phlegm  was  not 
proof  against  such  an  astonishing  state  of  affairs,  and 
she  opened  her  pretty  eyes  very  wide  and  rounded  her 
rosy  mouth  in  wonder,  and  actually  almost  bustled 
about  for  a  few  minutes,  seeing  that  Sir  Robert  got 
"  something  hot  to  keep  the  cold  out,"  and  dry  things, 
and  that  the  others  lacked  for  nothing. 

"  Would  you  like  to  lie  down  ?  Do  you  feel  upset  at 
all?"  she  asked  of  Miss  Noel. 

"  No,  dear,  thanks ;  but  I'll  just  go  up  and  make  my 
self  a  little  smarter  for  dinner,"  that  lady  said,  and 
Mabel  accompanied  her,  and  then,  having  shown  Mrs. 
Sykes  to  her  quarters,  went  down  to  welcome  Mr. 
Heathcote  and  her  husband.  She  found  Mr.  Ramsay 
on  all-fcurs,  with  the  boy  on  his  back,  and  he  scrambled 
up  on  seeing  her. 

"Jolly  little  fellow  this.  "We  are  great  friends  al 
ready,"  he  said,  by  way  of  apology  for  the  situation, 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  291 

when  Mr.  Heathcote,  too,  had   gone  off  to  his  room. 
"What's  his  name?" 

"Don't  mention  the  subject.  You  are  on  delicate 
ground,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum,  seizing  the  child  and  thrust 
ing  him  up  on  his  shoulder.  "  You  see,  my  wife  wanted 
to  call  him  '  Eeginald  Egbert  Ponsonby  D'Arcy,'  and  I 
had  a  notion  that  I  would  like  him  to  have  my  father's 
name,  '  Jared  Elijah,'  and  between  us  we  almost  got  up 
a  divorce-case." 

"  And  no  wonder,"  said  his  wife.  "  Could  he  expect 
me  to  give  him  such  a  name  ?  It  is  not  a  pretty  name ; 
and,  while  I  should  be  more  than  willing  to  pay  hus 
band's  father  any  mark  of  respect  if  he  were  living,  I 
•lid  think  that,  as  he  was  dead,  Boy  need  not  go  through 
life  with  an  ugly  name." 

"  And  so  we  compromised,  and  he  was  baptized  Jared 
Ponsonby,  and  I  call  him  '  son'  for  short,  which  answers 
every  purpose,  and  his  mother  leaves  off  the  Jared 
whenever  my  back  is  turned,  and,  I  am  sure,  got  a 
Montmorency  in  the  church  register  somehow.  Eh, 
Daisy  ?"  said  her  husband. 

"  Pray  do  not  think  that  I  would  deceive  husband. 
He  is  jesting,"  explained  Mabel,   as   though   the  fact 
were   not  patent.     "  Now   wo   really   must   separate 
there  goes  the  dressing-bell." 

Mr.  Ramsay  at  once  took  himself  off,  leaving  the 
couple  alone. 

"  Dear  Job,  where  did  you  get  that  coat  ?  5Tou  looked 
so  nice  when  you  left  this  morning.  How  could  you 
spoil  it  all  with  that  coat?  And  only  look  at  your 
hair!"  she  said,  in  soft  reproach. 

•'  Nothing  wrong  wi  I  h  thai  coat.    It  is  a  little  tumbled 


292  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

from  being  rolled  up  under  the  seat,  maybe,  but  it  is 
first-rate  for  keeping  off  the  dust.  And  I've  played  my 
last  card,  you  know:  I'm  married.  Sad,  but  true,"  he 
•T-eplied,  pinching  her  round  cheek. 

"It  is  vexing,  certainly.  Dear  Job  is  really  hand 
some  when  he  takes  pains  with  his  dress ;  and  my 
cousin  lays  great  stress  on  such  things,  but  still,  if  she 
can't  see  what  he  is,  I  pity  her,  that  is  all,  and  I'll  not 
tease  him,"  she  thought ;  and,  though  she  had  that 
morning  parted  his  hair  and  tied  his  cravat  and  gener 
ally  superintended  his  toilet  herself,  that  he  might 
make  the  best  possible  impression  on  his  guests,  she 
only  called  him  "  an  incorrigible  careless  fellow,"  in  a 
tone  far  more  musical  than  ireful,  and  begged  him  to 
"  rush  up  and  make  himself  beautiful  in  just  five  minutes 
by  the  clock." 


VI. 


THE  Ketchums'  house  was  the  largest- of  eight  hand 
some  villas  built  by  various  magnates  of  Raising  a  few 
miles  out  of  the  city,  in  a  kind  of  natural  park  improved 
by  the  most  careful  culture,  the  whole  being  known  as 
Fairfield.  It  was  impossible  to  say  what  was  the  ex 
tent  of  the  grounds  attached  to  any  particular  house, 
for  the  reason  that  there  were  no  visible  boundaries  of 
any  kind,  the  owners  of  the  different  properties  having 
agreed  to  share  the  park  amicably  without  insisting 
upon  individual  rights  to  the  extent  of  building  high 
brick  walls,  or  fences  of  any  kind,  sightly  or  unsightly. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  293 

except  such  light  wire  affairs  as  might  be  required  im 
mediately  around  the  houses.  At  the  same  time  there 
was  individual  care  and  taste  everywhere, — not  general 
neglect  such  as  had  been  predicted  when  the  experi 
ment  was  first  talked  of.  The  rivalries  were  only 
friendly  ones  about  the  earliest  strawberries  and  finest 
roses,  and  the  effect  was  worthy  of  the  clever  landscape- 
gardener  in  whose  hands  Fairfield  had  been  placed  by 
common  consent. 

Instead  of  the  aggravated  jealousies  and  perpetual 
dissensions  which  some  persons  had  confidently  declared 
inseparable  from  such  a  scheme,  there  was  a  great 
amount  of  peace  and  good  will  in  the  little  colony. 
Each  proprietor  not  only  improved  his  own  place  to  the 
full,  but  cheerfully  paid  his  quota  toward  certain  paths, 
bridges,  roads,  and  lamps  intended  to  benefit  all,  and 
seemed  to  take  scarcely  less  pride  in  the  whole  estate 
than  in  his  share  of  it.  A  plan  pronounced  Utopian 
had  become  an  accomplished  fact. 

The  Ketchums'  house  struck  Sir  Eobert  as  the  son 
of  one  that  called  for  about  a  thousand  acres  at  its  back, 
and,  not  doubting  that  his  host  had  felt  that  earth-fever 
that  always  seizes  an  Englishman  when  he  has  made  a 
fortune,  he  supposed  him  to  have  bought  a  handsome 
estate  and  set  up  as  a  country  gentleman, — the  ne  plus 
ultra  of  dignity,  respectability,  and  everything  that  is 
desirable  from  an  Englishman's  stand-point.  He  knew 
nothing  of  the  gregariousness,  love  of  excitement,  and 
indifference  to  country  pursuits  that  make  such  posses 
sions  seldom  coveted,  or,  if  coveted  and  possessed,  soon 
tired  of,  by  American  millionaires,  and  he  was  surprised 
to  see  from  his  bedroom  window  the  red  mansard  roof 

25* 


294  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

of  Mr.  Brown's  elaborate  mansion.  He  met  Mr.  Ket- 
chum  on  the  steps  as  he  was  going  down  to  the  drawing- 
room,  and  they  walked  out  on  the  veranda,  where  they 
got  into  comfortable  chairs  and  fell  to  talking  of  many 
things, — of  their  meeting  in  England  and  the  interval 
that  had  elapsed,  of  mutual  acquaintances,  and  a  littlo 
of  what  the  party  had  been  doing. 

"  Well,  and  how  do  you  like  these  United  ?  You  have 
seen  worse  countries,  haven't  you  ?"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"Immensely,  my  dear  fellow,"  replied  Sir  Eobert, 
answering  the  first  question.  "  I  am  even  more  inter 
ested  than  I  expected  to  be,  which  is  saying  a  great 
deal.  I  have  not  had  the  chance  to  think  what  I  do 
think  yet.  We  have  been  so  constantly  on  the  wing 
that  it  was  not  possible  to  digest  the  facts  I  have  col 
lected ;  but,  if  I  can  only  boast  an  intimate  ignorance 
of  it  so  far,  it  is  quite  certain  that  I  mean  to  know  it  as 
well  as  any -foreigner  can.  Are  you  an  American  at 
large,  or  primarily  a  Westerner  and  only  very  incident 
ally  an  American  ?" 

"  Oh,  I  claim  the  whole  pocket-handkerchief;  but  of 
course  I  hold  up  my  corner,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  Doesn't  that  rather  dilute  your  patriotism  ?"  asked 
Sir  Eobert, — "  confining  yourself  to  one  State  ?" 

"  No  American  does  that.  We  all  sit  on  a  couple  of 
States  at  least,  take  another  for  a  footstool,  and  lean 
back  against  the  rest.  We  like  to  do  our  own  house 
keeping,  that  is  all,  and  have  a  prejudice  in  favor  of 
managing  our  own  affairs." 

"  It  is  all  an  experiment  yet,  you  know,"  said  Sir 
Robert,  and  went  on  to  attach  a  good  deal  of  signifi 
cance  to  several  "dangerous  tendencies,"  notably  the 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  295 

riots  of  the  preceding  year,  from  which   he  deduced 
"  agrarian  outrages"  and  other  evils. 

"  We  are  not  afraid  of  '  agrarian  outrages'  or  '  Molly 
Maguires'  or  Communists  or  anything  of  the  kind,"  as 
serted  Mr.  Ketchum,  who  had  listened  with  an  indulgent 
smile.  "  It  is  just  the  story  of  the  buffalo  and  the  fly." 

"  What  is  that  ?"  asked  Sir  Eobert. 

"  Oh,  nothing,  except  that  thq  fly  gets  shaken  off  and 
the  buffalo  goes  ahead.     It  takes  things  easy,  does  that 
animal,  but  it  don't  do  to  fool  with  it.     Even  the  poli 
ticians  have  found  that  out.     When  it  does  get  its  dan 
der  up,  somebody  is  bound  to  get  hurt." 

It  was  Sir  Robert's  turn  to  smile  when,  on  asking 
about  his  friend's  health,  Job  said, — 

"  First-rate,  as  a  rule,  and  mother-in-laws'  stock  below 
par.  But  about  two  weeks  ago  I  got  a  fine  large  cold 
that  has  been-  giving  me  a  rough  time, — one  of  the  sort 
that  makes  you  feel  as  though  your  head  had  been  boiled 
for  a  few  weeks,  and,  when  you  have  made  a  key-bugle 
of  your  nose  for  a  week,  decides  which  is  your  weakest 
point,  and  goes  for  it.  It  has  been  working  on  the 
ulcerated  root  of  a  tooth  of  mine  that  retired  from  busi 
ness  some  time  ago  as  a  tombstone,  and  I'll  be  hanged 
if  it  wouldn't  have  waked  the  dead.  It  has  pretty  well 
used  me  up,  I  know.  I  feel  like  a  fiddle  with  the  bridge 
down  to-day." 

"  I  am  sorry  to  hear  that.  I  suppose  you  have  con 
sulted  your  medical  man  ?"  said  Sir  Robert. 

"  H-m !  No.  There  is  a  medicine-man  in  the  neigh 
borhood  ;  but  I  generally  do  my  own  doctoring  when  I 
require  any, — which  isn't  often,"  replied  Job 

"  What  is  the  extent  of  your  place,  if  I  may  ask  ? 


296  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Who  is  that  living  near  you?"  inquired  Sir  Robert. 
"  Or  is  it  a  dower-house  ?" 

Mr.  Ketchum  explained  the  Fairfield  system  to  Sir 
Kobert,  who  understood  it  well  enough,  but  to  whom  it 
was  not  so  clear  wjiy  men  who  could  afford  to  live  in 
any  other  way  had  agreed  to  it. 

"  But  there  is  plenty  of  land  around  here,  isn't  there  ? 
Or,  if  you  must  have  neighbors,  why  don't  you  fence 
them  out  ?"  he  asked. 

"  Oh,  I  could  build  a  wall  fifty  feet  high,  with  a  frill 
of  broken  glass ;  but  why  should  I  ?  I  don't  want  to 
shut  myself  in  or  shut  my  neighbors  .out.  I  came  out 
here  to  be  near  them,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"But  you  have  no  privacy,"  objected  Sir  Robert. 
•'  It  must  be  disagreeable  to  have  them  prying  in  here 
and  using  their  opera-glasses  on  you  and  your  friends 
from  the  upper  windows."  (This  was  a  novel  idea  to 
Mr.  Ketchum,  who  laughed  at  it.)  "I  don't  think  1 
should  like  it  myself.  I  don't  like  to  be  part  of  a  sys 
tem.  I  like  to  be  independent." 

" There  is  the  solar  system,  you  know:  you  can't  es 
cape  from  that.  No,  I  have  got  all  the  privacy  I  could 
want.  If  I  wanted  solitude,  I'd  buy  Pitcairn's  Island, 
three  thousand  miles  from  anywhere,  and  have  the  birds 
exterminated.  And  of  course  if  I  found  it  unpleasant 
I  should  go  somewhere  else.  I  have  got  a  lot  of  stuff 
about  me  that  my  wife  has  accumulated,  and  it  wouldn't 
be  quite  as  easy  to  pull  up  sticks  as  it  is  in  East  Ten 
nessee,  where  all  you've  got  to  do  is  to  call  the  dogs  and 
shut  the  doors;  but,  still,  I  think  sometimes  I  should 
like  it.  Brown  lives  just  there, — the  Brown  you  met 
in  New  York." 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  297 

"  1  remember.  Do  you  like  him  ?"  asked  Sir  Eobert. 
"  Pleasant  family  ?" 

"  I  have  always  liked  him ;  but  he  has  got  a  brother 
living  with  him  who  is  the  meanest  man  in  America," 
said  M  r.  Ketchum,  with  decision.  "  There  are  three 
brothers ;  but  the  third  hasn't  been  in  the  family  show- 
ease  for  some  time.  He  never  was  good  for  much. 
Brown  got  him  situations  over  and  over  again ;  but  he 
was  like  a  second-hand  postage-stamp, — he  wouldn't 
stick ;  and  at  last  he  did  something  or  other  and  had  to 
go  to  Mexico  to  look  after  his  estates  there.  Brown's 
married  daughter  lives  with  him,  too ;  and  you  have 
met  Miss  Bijou.  Very  pleasant  ladies.  The  eldest  one 
married  unfortunately,  and  has  got  a  separation  and 
come  back  to  her  father.  They  have  got  an  Englishman 
staying  with  them  now.  I  haven't  seen  much  of  him, 
but  he  has  been  grovelling  at  Mabel's  feet  for  two 
weeks."  This  last  was  intended  principally  for  his  wife, 
who  had  joined  them. 

"  How  can  you  say  such  things  ?  How  can  you  wil 
fully  exaggerate  so?"  she  replied.  "It  isn't  true,  at 
all."  And  then,  as  he  rose  and  preceded  them  into  the 
drawing-room,  she  said  to  Sir  Eobert,  "Husband  was 
jesting.  And  do  not  suppose  that  I  meant  that  he  was 
untruthful.  I  am  quite  sure  that  he  would  not  tell  an 
untruth  for  the  world.  But  husband  rather  distorts 
things  sometimes  for  amusement, — you  may  have  noticed 
it, — and  I  always  fear  it  may  be  misunderstood."  A 
speech  that  served  the  baronet  as  a  kind  of  nwt  de  car- 
actere  and  interested  him  in  his  sweet,  simple  little 
hostess,  whom  he  had  known  only  casually  in  Chelten 
ham 


298  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

The  other  guests  had  all  assembled  by  this  time,  and 
some  of  them  had  clustered  about  a  charming  wood 
fire  that  Mabel  had  ordered,  the  evening  having  turned 
chilly. 

"  Ah.  here  we  are.  Not  drowned,  not  hurt,  and,  like 
the  politicians,  '  in  the  hands  of  our  friends,' "  Mr. 
Ketchum  said,  as  he  caught  sight  of  them,  and,  going 
forward,  he  held  out  a  hand  to  Mr.  Heathcote  and  one 
to  Mr.  Ramsay  at  the  same  time,  saying,  with  the  genial 
warmth  that  made  him  an  irresistible  fellow  to  some 
people,  "  I  am  right-down  glad  to  have  you  here,  I  de 
clare, — all  of  you ;  and  what  I  want  you  to  do  is  to 
make  yourselves  perfectly  at  home  and  as  contented  as 
you  can. — Mabel,  this  fire  might  be  improved,  I  think. 
Where  is  the  Congressman  ?" 

"  It  is  burning  beautifully,  dear ;  and  if  you  disturb 
it  it  will  very  likely  spark  about  and  burn  holes  in  the 
rug,"  she  said.  But,  as  he  continued  to  look  about  him 
restlessly,  she  got  the  blower  obediently  and  gave  it  to 
him,  and  he,  stooping  down,  held  it  up  in  front  of  the 
fire  until  it  was  all  roar  and  crackle,  and  then  put  it 
away  satisfied. 

"  A  little  too  hot  for  you,  isn't  it  ?"  he  said  to  Miss 
Noel,  who  was  pushing  her  chair  back.  "Getting  a 
little  personal,  isn't  it  ?  Hold  on.  I'll  fix  that  all  right." 
He  was  about  to  drag  forward  a  plate-glass  screen  to 
place  in  front  of  her,  when  the  dining-room  door  was 
thrown  open  and  "  dinner"  was  announced  by  Sanford 
(the  new  butler,  just  imported  from  New  York),  napkin 
in  hand  and  eyes  down-dropped. 

Mrs.  Sy  kes's  eyes  almost  bade  farewell  to  their  sockets 
when  she  saw  FrJiulein  Schmidt's  bugled  head-dress  and 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  299 

jimp-waisted  black  silk  disappear  through  the  door  in 
front  of  her,  a  lank  arm  and  wrinkled,  tremulous  old 
hand  so  adjusted  as  to  make  it  certain  that  she  was 
being  escorted  by  Mr.  Ketchum.  There  had  been  a 
discussion  between  Job  and  his  wife  beforehand  about 
this  very  matter.  She  had  wanted  him  to  do  the  con 
ventional  thing,  which  he  refused  utterly.  She  had 
suggested  that  he  should  make  some  apology — or  let 
her  do  it,  if  he  disliked  the  idea — for  conduct  so  un 
precedented  from  Miss  Noel's  point  of  view,  not  to  speak 
of  the  others.  Mrs.  Vane  had  interested  herself  deeply 
in  it  as  a  vital  question,  and,  not  daring  to  tackle  her 
son-in-law  on  the  subject,  had  talked  it  to  tatters  with 
her  daughter,  and  had  prophesied  that  the  whole  party 
would  leave  the  house  on  the  following  morning  in 
mortal  offence.  Mrs.  Ketchum  senior  had  felt  it  her 
duty  to  tell  her  son  that  his  English  guests  would  cer 
tainly  think  that  he  had  no  respect  for  his  own  mother 
if  he  persisted  in  putting  upon  her  a  public  affront,  and 
that  his  duty,  as  she  had  said  before  and  would  say 
again,  was  to  take  her  in  to  dinner.  The  result  was  that 
Mr.  Ketchum  calmly  closed  his  ears  to  these  appeals, 
declined  to  do,  leave  undone,  or  explain  anything,  and 
told  Mabel  that  she  might  say  what  she  pleased  to  the 
guests.  Mrs.  Ketchum,  therefore,  all  soft  deprecation 
and  pretty,  troubled  concern,  had  explained  to  Miss 
Noel  that  it  was  "  Husband's  invariable  rule,"  had  im 
ploringly  "  hoped  she  wouldn't  mind,"  and  had  incident 
ally  painted  her  lord's  portrait  as  a  kind  of  domestic 
archangel.  And  Miss  Noel  had  "quite  understood," 
and  not  been  vexed  at  all ;  but  Mabel  was  timid,  and 
Mrs.  Sykes  was  very  awful  to  her,  and  sho  had  not  been 


JOO  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

able  to  make  the  dreadful  declaration  in  that  quarter. 
The  thought  of  the  Sykes  stare,  which  certainly  waa 
Gorgonian  and  alarming  to  less  shy  persons,  and  the 
remembrance  of  the  Sykes  tongue,  paralyzed  this  gentle 
young  person  at  the  very  door  of  her  cousin's  room, 
and  sent  her  down-stairs  with  the  revelation  unmade, 
leaving  her  amiable  relative  wholly  unprepared  for  the 
shock  that  awaited  her.  "  What's  that  for  ?"  said  Mrs. 
Sykes  imperiously  to  Mrs.  Vane,  actually  pointing  in 
the  direction  of  the  retreating  figures.  But  there  was 
no  time  for  explanation.  Mabel  in  a  few  murmurs  had 
already  paired  the  company,  and  they  all  followed  in 
their  host's  wake. 

The  dinner  was  a  well-ordered  one,  as  was  everything 
about  the  establishment;  for  to  American  abundance 
and  variety,  as  shown  in  the  ample  provision  for  his 
household  made  by  Job,  Mabel  added  English  manage 
ment  and  thrift,  and  the  result  was  a  menage  which  even 
their  guests,  accustomed  to  the  almost  military  punctu 
ality  and  mellow,  stable  comfort  of  the  most  perfect 
domestic  system  in  the  world,  found  delightful.  It  may 
be  a  pardonable  digression  to  say  here  that  Mabel  had 
suffered  almost  as  much  from  overplentifulness  in 
America  as  she  had  ever  done  from  undue  scarcity  in 
England.  She  had  a  conscientious  horror  of  waste  that 
made  it  a  great  moral  question  what  she  should  do  with 
the  enormous  quantities  of  food  alone  provided  by  her 
liberal-minded  spouse,  who  had  no  practical  experience 
of  catering  and  a  horror  of  being  or  seeing  others 
stinted.  It  drove  her  quite  wild  at  first  to  see  the 
boxes,  barrels,  crates,  coops,  that  he  was  always  sending 
out  from  Raising,  and  her  distress  rented  itself  in  an 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  301 

occasional  mild  exclamation,  "What  a  dreadful  country 
for  waste,  mamma  dear !"  To  consume  in  any  one  house 
all  that  her  husband  provided  was  impossible.  She 
could  not  have  done  it  with  a  double  staff  of  London 
servants,  with  their  five  meals  a  day  and  unlimited  per 
quisites.  To  throw  anything  away,  according  to  her 
creed,  was  wicked,  and,  according  to  Mrs.  Yane,  would 
certainly  bring  its  retribution  in  personal  want.  At 
last,  happily  for  all  parties,  a  solution  was  found  of  the 
problem.  A  poor  man,  with  a  numerous  progeny, 
moved  into  a  particularly  hopeless-looking  cottage  about 
a  mile  away  on  the  Kalsing  road,  and  that  happy  con 
junction  between  food  and  mouths  was  effected  which 
cynics  declare  does  not  often  occur,  and  which  lightened 
more  hearts  than  Mabel's. 

Gastronomically  considered,  the  dinner,  to  which  we 
must  get  back,  presented  no  very  striking  features  from 
first  to  last,  unless  it  be  accounted  one  that  Sir  Robert 
pronounced  "  the  ices"  quite  the  most  delicious  stuff  he 
had  ever  tasted,  and  made  acquaintance  with  pecans, 
which  he  thought  so  well  of  that  he  may  be  said  to 
have  become  intimate  with  them  on  the  spot  and  never 
to  have  separated  from  them  afterward,  as  the  pockets 
of  all  his  coats  testify  to  this  day.  Mrs.  Sykes,  whose 
appetite  was  imme"nse,  not  only  ate  with  great  relish 
of  such  things  as  she  was  accustomed  to,  but  absolutely 
made  the  daring  experiment  of  trying  one  American 
dish,  and  reported  on  it  promptly.  "  It  is  not  as  nasty 
and  messy  as  it  looks,"  she  said  to  Miss  Noel.  "  You 
might  try  it,  if  you  like,  but  I  should  say  it  was  per 
fectly  indigestible.  Still,  one  always  likes  to  be  able  to 
say  that  one  has  tasted  the  native  dishes,  and  after 

26 


302  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

taking  birds'-nost  soup,  as  I  did  in  Hong-Kong,  I  CAD 
stand  a  little  of  anything." 

"  A  little  of  some — things  goes  a  very  long  way,"  said 
Mr.  Ketchum ;  and  there  was  something  in  the  way  he 
said  it  that  made  Miss  Noel  rush  into  an  account  of  her 
journey,  which4  containing  as  it  did  the  episode  of  the 
conductor,  completely  restored  his  good  humor.  He 
laughed  over  it  in  a  way  that  quite  surprised  his  wife, 
and  called  out  to  her,  "  Only  hear,  Mabel,  what  dreadful 
liberties  the  great  American  citizen  has  been  taking 
with  the  British  aristocracy  1" 

At  which  Miss  Noel  said,  "  Oh,  pray  don't  fancy  that 
1  was  really  annoyed !  Do  you  know,  I  think  it  must 
have  been  a  little  way  of  his  to  give  nicknames  ?  Par 
sons  tells  me  that  he  called  two  children  that  sat  behind 
her  '  Bub'  and  '  Sis.'  I  am  quite  sure  that  he  meant 
nothing,  and  it  didn't  signify :  it  was  only  a  little  odd 
just  at  first." 

This  sent  Mr.  Ketchum  off  into  a  fresh  explosion  of 
merriment,  but  he  caught  Mrs.  Sykes's  next  speech. 
"  The  impertinent  man  actually  laid  bis  hand  on  my 
arm,  once,  to  attract  my  attention,  and  was  most  un 
pleasantly  obtrusive,"  she  was  observing  to  Mabel. 

"  Good  heavens !  you  don't  mean  it  ?  I  wonder  that 
it  was  not  paralyzed  up  to  the  Shoulder!  Such  au 
dacity — "  he  began,  but  catching  Mabel's  eye  and  seeing 
that  she  was  shaking  her  pretty  head,  he  stopped  ab 
ruptly  and  offered  Miss  Noel  a  dish  she  had  already  de 
clined.  He  and  Mr.  Ramsay  then  got  into  a  conversa 
tion  about  hunting  and  shooting,  in  which  they  talked 
very  much  at  cross-purposes  until  they  found  out  where 
the  trouble  was  and  defined  their  terms,  Mr.  Rameay'o 


O,V   THIS  SIDE.  303 

red  deer  turning  out  to  be  Mr.  Kctchum's  elk ;  the 
European  elk,  the  American  moose ;  English  thrushes, 
American  robins ;  English  grouse,  American  partridges; 
and  so  on.  The  other  gentlemen  were  naturally  at 
tracted  by  topics  so  congenial,  and  a  brisk  discussion  of 
guns,  powder,  shot,  camp-life,  Comanche-stalking,  and 
the  like,  ensued  that  made  Mr.  Ramsay's  eyes  sparkle 
with  interest.  "How  I  should  like  a  shy  at  one  of 
those  red  devils !"  he  exclaimed.  "  I  am  going  out  to 
the  far  West,  you  know.  I  have  come  over  to  settle 
here,  for  a  while  at  least." 

"  I  am  glad  to  hear  that,"  said  Job,  who  thought  Mr. 
.Ramsay  looked  the  sort  of  man  that  ought  always  to 
be  coming  down  the  steps  of  the  Guards'  Club,  and  not 
a  subduer  of  nature,  a  miner,  herdsman,  ranchero,  pio 
neer,  but  did  not  feel  called  upon  to  express  uncalled-for 
opinions. 

"  Yes,  Eamsay  is  tired  of  the  dry-rot  of  an  idle  life  in 
London,  and  is  going  to  sit  down  out  in  the  bush  and 
wait  for  civilization  where  there  is  only  a  fortnightly 
post  and  he  will  be  quite  out  of  the  reach  of  telegrams, 
six  men  sleeping  in  the  same  tent,  and  that  kind  of 
thing.  Just  so.  It  is  a  fascinating  sort  of  life  for  a 
young  man.  I  have  tried  it  myself,  but  I  like  my  com 
fortable  arm-chair  and  my  newspaper  now.  '  Tempora 
mutantur,  et  nos  mutamur  in  illis.'  I  envy  the  fellow  tre 
mendously,  except  when  I  am  pitying  him  with  all  my 
heart,"  said  Sir  Eobert,  running  one  hand  through  his 
side-whiskers  and  gazing  benevolently,  with  his  head  a 
little  on  one  side,  at  Mr.  Ramsay. 

"  I  don't  mind  roughin'  it.  I  like  it,"  said  Mr.  Ram 
say.  "  And  I  think  I  have  brought  everything  that  I 


304  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

shall  need.  I  was  afraid  you'd  think  I  was  goin'  to 
give  you  the  pleasure  of  my  company  for  the  rest  of 
my  life  when  you  saw  what  an  awful  lot  of  luggage  I 
had  brought ;  but  it  is  only  that  I  am  goin'  out  into  the 
backwoods,  where  I've  heard  fellows  say  there  wasn't 
so  much  as  a  corkscrew  to  be  had  for  love  or  money. 
I  hoped  you'd  excuse  me  bringin'  it." 

"  Certainly,  certainly :  the  more  you  bring,  and  the 
longer  you  stay,  the  better  I  shall  be  pleased.  But,  if 
you  will  let  me,  I'd  like  to  see  your  outfit.  I  have  lived 
out  there,  and  may  be  able  to  give  you  a  hint  or  two," 
said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"Have  you,  now?  I  shall  be  delighted  I  I'll  get 
into  my  Colorado  rig  after  dinner  and  show  you  what 
I'm  like.  Splendid  get-up !  Not  very  nobby,  you 
know,  for  the  Park,  but  quite  the  thing,"  replied  Mr. 
Eainsay  beamingly. 

Miss  Noel  meanwhile  had  a  very  full  and  agreeable 
chat  with  Mrs.  Ketchum  senior  about  gardening,  and 
sewing,  and  other  practical  topics,  and  very  much  sur 
prised  that  lady  by  her  mastery  of  them,  as  well  as  by 
her  pronunciation  of  a  certain  word  which  she  rendered 
unmistakably  as  "cowcumber."  Mrs.  Ketchum  also 
noticed,  this  time  with  the  most  decided  disapproval, 
that  her  left-hand  neighbor  was  taking  what  she  con 
sidered  a  scandalous  amount  of  stimulant.  Beer,  sherry, 
champagne,  claret,  maraschino,  and  chasse-cafe  made  up 
a  total  that  she  had  never  seen  a  woman  dispose  of  be 
fore,  and,  although  Mrs.  Sykes  tossed  them  off  with 
entire  nonchalance  as  she  had  her  glass  filled  and  re- 

•  O 

filled   by  the   butler,  and   did   not   seem   in   the  least 
affected  by  any  or  all  of  them,  Mrs.  Ketchum  felt  the 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  305 

most  decided  uneasiness  about  her,  and  was  relieved 
when  Mabel  gave  the  signal  and  they  all  trooped  back 
en  masse  to  the  drawing-room.  Here  Mrs.  Sykes  and 
Mrs.  Vane  got  together  on  the  sofa.  Mrs.  Vane  was 
complimented  on  her  "  cleverness"  in  securing  a  son-in- 
law  like  Mr.  Ketch  urn  for  a  portionless  daughter,  and, 
on  truthfully  disclaiming  any  share  in  the  marriage, 
was  playfully  accused  of  being  "  deep,  awfully  deep." 
Some  very  searching  inquiries  were  also  made  by  Mrs. 
Sykes  as  to  the  amount  of  Mr.  Ketchum's  fortune 
and  the  position  and  means  of  every  one  in  the  house 
hold,  and  her  astonishment  on  hearing  of  what  he  had 
done  for  Mrs.  Vane  alone  was  unbounded.  "  It  will  not 
last,"  she  said.  "  I  suppose  it  results  from  a  temporary 
infatuation  for  Mabel's  pretty  face;  but  such  an  ex 
traordinary  state  of  things  can't  last."  Mrs.  Vane  found 
just  the  audience  she  had  long  craved  to  appreciate  her 
views  of  Fraulein's  position  in  the  house.  "  A  fire  to 
dress  by,  burning  in  her  room  all  day  long  I  Silk  dresses 
given  her!  Spending  all  her  evenings  with  the  family ! 
Allowed  the  use  of  the  carriage  when  she  chooses ! — 
upon  my  word,  I  never  heard  anything  like  it  in  all  my 
life !"  said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  Has  she  got  any  hold  over 
him  ?  An  ugly  secret  of  some  kind,  eh  ?"  Poor  Frau- 
lein,  who  had  shrunk  up  into  a  corner  and  was  doing 
some  of  her  interminable  tatting,  divined  from  Mrs. 
Sykes's  scornful  glances  and  short  laughs  that  she  was 
under  discussion,  and  was  shrivelling  morally  under  the 
process,  when  Mr.  Ketchum  called  out  cheerily,  "  Why, 
Mother  Schmidt,  where  have  you  got,  off  there  in  the 
cold  ?"  and,  getting  up,  placed  an  arm-chair  for  her  near 
tho  fire. 

u  20* 


306  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Sir  flolert  was  wandering  aimlessly  about  the  room, 
takiu  g  in  the  details  of  an  international  interior,  turn 
ing  over  the  books  on  the  tables,  the  "  Peerage"  and 
"  Who's  who,"  some  bound  volumes  of  the  "  Penny 
Magazine,"  Miss  Edgeworth's  "Parent's  Assistant" 
and  similar  works,  "  Tennyson's  Poems,"  along  with 
"Longfellow's  "Works,"  "Poe's  Poems,"  the  "Innocents 
Abroad,"  and  a  copy  of  the  "  Eed  Rover,"  on  the  fly 
leaf  of  which  was  written,  "  Job  Ketchum,  from  his 
devoted  friend  $1.50,"  the  "Morning  Post"  and  the 
"  Queen"  jostling  "  Texas  Siftiugs"  and  the  New  York 
dailies. 

The  pictures  and  photographs,  too,  were  eloquent 
of  the  two  countries, — Mabel's  father  in  his  Oxford 
cap  and  gown,  and  again  "having  tea  on  the  lawn 
with  dear  mamma,"  as  Mabel  put  it,  "  and  the  Eectory 
(gabled  and  ivy-festooned)  in  the  background."  "  My 
cousin  Guy  Huddlestone,  taken  just  after  he  was  ga 
zetted."  "Beatrice's  baby  that  she  sent  home,  taken 
with  her  Ayah."  "Canon  Ponsonby  and  the  Bishop 
of  Curds  and  Whey,  both  great  friends  of  dear  papa." 
"Husband  when  he  was  a  little  boy."  (A  most  wonder 
ful  little  boy,  in  very  long  trousers  and  a  jacket  that 
ended  in  the  middle  of  his  back,  hair  long  and  shiny, 
suggestive  of  Rowland's  Macassar  Oil,  parted  a  little 
above  the  left  ear,  chubby  hands  clasped  as  if  in  prayer, 
eyes  rolled  up  to  match, — considered  "  perfectly  sweet," 
when  taken.)  "  Husband  at  school,  a  half-grown  lad." 
"Husband,  1aken  the  year  he  came  of  age."  "  Husband 
in  the  uniform  of  his  military  company."  "  Husband 
after  typhoid  fever, — a  perfect  libel  upon  him."  "  Hus 
band,  done  last  year  in  New  York;  not  as  handsome  as 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  307 

he,  but  the  best  of  all  the  likenesses."  "Husband's 
father."  (Preternaturally  solemn  and  mortally  ugly  in 
the  picture,  but  really  a  pleasant-faced,  benign  old  gen 
tleman.)  "The  ancestral  home  of  Husband's  people" 
(a  square  stone  house  of  a  dear  old  fashion,  homely  and 
human,  with  a  devoted-couple-and-twelve-children  ex 
pression  about  it,  the  living-house  of  a  God-fearing, 
hard-working,  rosy-cheeked,  spinning,  sleighing,  snow 
balling,  apple-eating  family,  set  in  a  grove  of  fine  trees) ; 
and,  underneath,  a  silhouette  of  "Husband's  grand 
mother,"  a  stately  old  lady,  with  a  great  deal  of  cap 
and  a  Eoman  nose.  It  is  by  no  means  certain  that,  if 
left  to  herself,  Mabel  would  not  have  spoken  of  this* 
planet,  supposing  her  to  have  occasion  to  allude  to  it, 
as  "Husband's  world,"  and  of  Paradise  as  "the  world 
to  which  Husband  is  going."  Baby  Ketchum  was  now 
brought  in  to  bid  good-night,  and  the  ladies  congregated 
about  him  admiringly. 

"  Such  a  dear  boy !"  said  Miss  Noel.  "  Mayn't  I  take 
him  for  a  bit  ?"  She  held  out  her  arms  as  she  spoke, 
and  was  soon  passing  her  hand  gently  over  his  curls 
and  cataloguing  his  charms.  "  Now  let  us  see,  childie, 
who  you  are  like." 

"Oh,  Husband!"  said  Mabel  decisively. 

"  Really  a  nice  child,  Mabel,"  commented  Mrs.  Sykes 
tepidly,  regarding  him  from  her  seat  on  the  sofa.  "  Good, 
fresh  color,  nice  mottled  legs.  He  looks  healthy  and  as 
though  he  would  not  give  trouble.  What  name  have 
you  given  him  ?" 

"Jared  Ponsonby,"  said  Mabel  bravely,  the  ready 
color  mounting  to  her  cheeks. 

Mrs.  Sykes  looked  as  though  she  had  heard  of  au 


308  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Irish  Jew  or  a  Japanese  Presbyterian,  but,  for  a  world's 
wonder,  she  made  no  actual  comment :  she  only  arched 
her  brows  eloquently  and  expressed  silently  Sir  Pertinax 
MacSycophant's  "  Such  an  admixture !" 

Seeing  that  the  child  was  getting  restless,  Miss  Noel 
said,  "  Where  are  you  going,  and  to  whom  ?  Mammy, 
daddy,  or  granny?"  And  the  boy  for  answer  slipped 
off  her  lap,  and,  running  across  the  rug,  clambered  up 
on  Fraulein's  knee,  where  he  was  rapturously  received 
with  cries  of  "  Das  herzliebste  I"  his  curly  head  being 
pressed  against  her  heart,  her  broad  German  face  beam 
ing  gratification  at  this  little  mark  of  preference. 

Heartily  was  Job  loved  and  honored  by  the  Fraulein. 
and  she  loved  and  obeyed  Mabel  without  reservation. 
But  as  for  the  child,  she  adored  him,  and  was  his  abject 
slave,  over  whom  he  ran  like  a  small  car  of  Jugger 
naut  whenever  he  felt  the  need  of  motion.  Unconscious 
of  any  sacrifice,  and  fully  conscious  of  his  power,  he 
had  a  hook  in  her  nose  before  he  could  walk,  and  ever 
after  led  her  whera  he  chose,  accepted  her  devotion  as 
his  right,  and  repaid  it  with  the  careless  regard  which 
seems  the  portion  of  the  too  fond  worshipper  the  world 
over.  His  grandmothers  squabbled  over  him,  corrected 
him,  and  in  their  way  loved  him,  but  it  was  "  Frou"  (as 
he  called  her)  who  might  have  been  seen  anxiously 
going  through  her  Silurian  hair-trunk  in  search  of  some 
fresh  trifle  to  please  his  royal  highness,  he  standing  by, 
overseeing  the  job,  with  her  gold  watch  on  and  an  ag 
gravation  of  his  father's  restless  energy.  One  grand 
mother — the  American  one — had  been  shocked  by  this 
talk  of  "Granny,"  and  "  Daddy,"  and  "Mammy,"  titles 
which  had  only  a  cob-pipe  and  patchwork-quilt  associa- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  309 

tion  for  her,  "  vulgar  terms  that  it  amazed  her  to  hear 
from  the  lips  of  an  English  lady,"  as  she  afterward  told 
Mabel.  There  had  been  a  family  discussion  about  some 
other  titles  and  what  "Boy"  should  call  his  parents. 
Mabel  disliked  the  American  variations  of  an  old  theme 
as  heard  in  "Mar,"  "Maw,"  "  Mair"  (short,  with  a  bleat). 
"  Marnier,"  "  Mommer,"  and  their  correlatives  "  Par," 
"Paw,"  "  Pair"  (another  bleat,  if  you  please),  "  Parper," 
"  Popper."  She  was  in  favor,  "  Husband"  permitting, 
of  Papa  and  Mama,  as  being  more  or  less  in  vogue  in 
both  countries.  Mr.  Ketchum  objected  to  even  this 
compromise.  The  grandmothers  ranged  themselves 
under  one  or  other  of  these  banners,  did  a  good  deal  of 
sharpshooting,  and  would  have  liked  nothing  better 
than  to  keep  the  question  on  the  hob  for  a  year  or  two. 
Mr.  Ketchum,  however,  decided  that  the  original  air 
should  reappear  for  once,  a»d  "father"  and  "mother" 
became  the  earliest  utterances  of  the  boy,  undergoing 
only  the  necessary — if  temporary — modification  of 
"  farzy"  and  "  mozzy." 

But  to  return.  Mr.  Ketchum  was  prowling  up  and 
down  the  drawing-ro6m,  stopping  occasionally  to  glance 
out  at  what  remained  of  a  beautiful  sunset,  when  a  ring 
came  at  the  bell,  and  Sanford  admitted  a  gentleman, 
who  could  be  plainly  seen  through  the  open  door  divest 
ing  himself  of  his  overcoat  and  hat.  Mr.  Ketchum 
recognized  him  and  smiled.  He  had  expected  him  to 
call,  but  not  quite  so  promptly.  Elsewhere  he  would 
probably  have  greeted  him  with  a  careless  "How're 
you,  Bates  ?  How  was  the  queen  when  you  left  Wind 
sor  Castle?"  Or,  "What  did  'Wales'  say  in  his  last 
letter?'1  But,  punctilious  in  his  ideas  of  hospitality, 


ON  BOTH  SJDES. 

he  now  advanced,  shook  hands  heartily,  and  presented 
him  to  the  others.  Mr.  Bates  was  a  tall  man,  whoso 
figure  was  constructed  on  a  few  bold  lines,  as  though 
he  had  been  a  towel-horse.  Mr.  Ketchum  once  said  of 
him  that  when  the  workmen  had  finished  building  him 
they  forgot  to  take  down  the  scaffolding.  He  was 
dressed  in  the  exaggeratedly  British  style,  had  an  air 
of  feeble  gentlemanliness,  and  for  the  rest  was  rather 
a  pronounced  specimen  of  a  not  uncommon  sort  of  snob- 
Heaven  had  denied  him  the  boon  he  most  coveted, — 
the  happiness  of  being  an  Englishman ;  but  an  English 
man  he  had  determined  to  be,  in  spite  of  the  accident 
of  birth.  He  lacked  a  great  many  gifts  that  a  lesser 
soul  would  have  thought  indispensable  to  the  role  he 
proposed  to  play.  His  physique  was  n.ot  up  to  the 
mark,  his  tastes  and  habits  and  speech  were  formed, 
his  voice  was  nasal,  he  had  really  nothing  except  his 
money  and  himself  to  depend  upon, — yet  mark  the 
result.  In  a  few  short  years  he  was  more  English  than 
any  Englishman  in  England, — such  is  the  power  of  a 
resolute  will.  He  was  taken  for  one  over  and  over 
again  by  Americans,  who  keep  a  portrait  of  John  Bull 
hung  up  in  their  mental  picture-galleries,  just  as  John 
Bull  does  of  his  neighbor  Johnny  Crapaud  and  Mon 
sieur  Crapaud  in  his  turn  of  Hans  Schneider, — remark 
ably  good  likenesses  all  of  them,  of  course,  perfectly 
faithful,  if  not  entirely  flattering.  Count  D'Orsay  once 
painted  the  picture  of  a  friend  and  submitted  it  when 
finished  to  that  friend's  wife  for  criticism.  "  It  is  a 
good  picture,"  was  her  verdict,  "but  not  a  good  like 
ness."  "  Ah,  madame,"  said  the  artist, "  you  see  de 
beast,"  (meaning  the  best).  We  all  see  the  beast  in 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  311 

these  national  portraits,  and  do  not  greatly  care  about 
the  likeness  being  preserved. 

The  English  craze  was  only  the  last  expression  of  a 
constitutional  thirst  for  distinction  that  had  long  tor 
mented  Mr.  Bates  and  had  led  him  in  the  earlier  stages 
of  his  career  to  talk  only  of  the  most  fashionable  people, 
and  of  these  as  his  most  intimate  friends, — of  their 
yachts,  carriages,  jewels,  opera-boxes,  and  enormous 
fortunes, — of  the  best  hotels,  where  he  invariably  stayed, 
— of  the  best  clubs,  at  which  every  one  hastened  to  put 
him  up, — of  his  tailor,  Poole,  and  his  boot-maker,  Biffins, 
the  best  in  Europe,  though  (with  an  uneasy  laugh) 
"frightfully  expensive," — of  his  cigars,  which  Cubans 
thought  superior  to  any  they  had  ever  smoked, — and 
his  wines,  which  a  well-known  bon  vivant  of  New  York 
had  pronounced  the  best  he  had  ever  found  on  this  con 
tinent.  There  was  so  much  sweetness  and  light  in  Mr. 
Rates's  accounts  of  himself  at  this  period  that  it  was 
doubtless  only  from  the  most  charitable  motives  that 
society  supplied  the  shadows  in  the  brilliant  picture 
and  mitigated  his  else  intolerable  radiance  by  whisper 
ing  that  he  was  a  simpleton  and  a  bore  and  the  son  ol 
a  successful  grocer  in  Tecumseh,  Michigan. 

The  sight  of  so  many  English  people  was  naturally 
refreshing  to  an  exile  like  Mr.  Bates,  and  he  bestowed 
upon  them  the  seven  bondings,  if  not  the  nine  knock- 
ings,  with  which  Chinese  dignitaries  are  saluted.  Mrs. 
Sykes  made  him  a  present  of  a  stare  and  took  no  further 
notice  of  him.  Sir  Eobert  divined  the  ass  in  the  lion's 
skin,  but  made  himself  agreeable  as  usual.  Mr.  Ket- 
chum  played  with  a  paper-knife  and  contributed  inter 
mittently  to  the  conversation,  as  did  Ethel  and  Mr 


312  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Bamsay.  As  for  Mabel,  she  had  gone  up  to  the  nursery, 
and  so  missed  hearing  Mr.  Bates  tell  the  company  that 
he  had  been  "  yahs  and  yahs  abroad,  and  was  perfectly 
devoted  to  England,"  compare  the  climate,  customs,  and 
what  not  of  the  two  countries,  always  to  the  disad 
vantage  of  his  own,  and  round  off  every  other  sentence 
with  a  "  Don't  you  find  it  so  ?"  to  Sir  Eobert. 

"  I  think  this  a  most  delightful,  exhilarating  climate. 
I  wonder  at  your  liking  ours  better :  it  is  so  notoriously 
bad  that  we  spend  half  our  time  abusing  it,"  Sir  Eobert 
said  in  reply  to  one  appeal. 

But  the  visitor  continued  to  set  forth  only  the  more 
plainly  the  impossibility  of  America's  ever  proving  a 
congenial  home  to  a  Bates.  Everything  about  it  of 
fended  his  exquisite  sensibilities.  It  was  "  raw,"  it  was 
"  cold,"  it  was  "  bare,"  it  was  "  frightfully  new."  The 
grass,  the  skies,  the  architecture,  all  distilled  torture 
upon  this  delicately-organized  poet-soul.  But  the  peo 
ple, — last,  worst,  most  unendurable  and  unescapable 
pang  of  all, — the  people  ! 

Mr.  Ketchum  broke  his  paper-knife  as  he  listened, 
and  as  he  threw  the  pieces  aside  he  heard  Mr.  Bates 
saying,  "  Give  me  solid  old  England,  I.  say,"  and  looked 
up,  to  see  "  Que  diable  fait-il  dans  cette  galere  f"  written 
so  legibly  in  Sir  Eobert's  honest  English  face  that  his 
vexation  was  replaced  by  amusement. 

"  Ah  !"  said  Sir  Eobert,  and  the  exclamation  expressed 
something  of  the  contempt  he  felt;  "I  should  have 
thought,  now,  that  you  would  have  preferred  your  own 
countiy  to  any  other;  most  people  do."  Sir  Eobert 
would  very  probably  have  been  bored  by  the  American 
who  is  always  insisting  blatantly  upon  the  absolute 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  313 

superiority  of  everything  American ;  he  would  have 
understood  the  American  who  in  speaking  of  his  coun 
try  shows  the  loving  pride  and  enthusiasm  that  a  son 
feels  for  his  mother ;  but  he  utterly  despised  the  creature 
who  held  in  such  light  esteem  that  for  which  most  men 
are  ready  to  lay  down  their  lives. 

The  conversation  languished  rather,  except  so  far  as 
Mr.  Bates  was  concerned.  Bent  upon  posing  as  a  per- 
eonage  and  a  social  authority,  he  ramhled  on  inconse- 
quently,  chiefly  about  himself  and  his  affairs,  opinions, 
experiences,  what  he  considered  "  good  form"  and  knew 
to  be  "bad  form,"  of  something  that  was  "not  the  cor 
rect  thing,"  and  something  else  that  was  "  no  longer 
fashionable,"  and,  finally,  of  some  people  who  had 
bought  a  house  near  his  whom  he  characterized  as 
"low  people," — "tradespeople,"  he  believed,  whom  he 
should  have  nothing  to  do  with,  of  course. 

"  Quite  right,  Bates,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  You  can't 
afford  to  know  everybody :  it  would  be  a  '  boah,'  as  you 
say.  But  don't  be  too  hard  on  them.  We  can't  all  be 
upper  crust,  you  know  ;  somebody  has  got  to  be  bed 
rock.  We  aristocrats  should  remember  that."  And, 
having  dived  after  Miss  Noel's  ball  of  wool,  which  had 
rolled  toward  him,  he  added,  "  Pretty  sunset  that  for  a 
new  country,  isn't  it?  I  like  that  view  that  we  get  of 
the  valley  through  the  trees,  there,  better  than  any 
other  in  America.  I  say  America  because  it  sounds  as 
though  I  had  been  all  over  the  world  and  prevents  my 
being  identified  with  my  own  country,  which  is  my 
great  object  in  life." 

At  this  Sir  Eobert  and  Mr.  Eamsay  laughed  and  ex 
changed  glances,  and  Mrs.  Ketchum,  coming  in,  called 
o  27 


314  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

for  an  aide-de-camp,  as  she  meant  to  "  turn  out  the  tea 
that  instant,  but  was  not  going  to  trot  about  with  it," 
— a  summons  which  both  Mr.  Bates  and  Mr.  Ramsay 
obeyed  with  alacrity. 

"  You  go  in  tremendously  for  china,  don't  you  ?"  Mr. 
Ramsay  said,  looking  admiringly  at  the  exquisite  ser 
vice  before  him  and  removing  the  crimson  cosey  that 
smothered  the  teapot.  "  Prettiest  I  ever  saw,  I  think. 
Nice  tone,  and  all-overish  design." 

"  It  is  rather  nice,  isn't  it  ?"  said  Mabel.  "  I  often 
wish  that  I  could  go  to  China  and  prowl  about  the  shops 
a  bit,  picking  up  things.  You  will  take  me  some  day, 
won't  you  ?"  (to  her  husband.)  "  It  would  be  quite 
delightful." 

"  It  would  be ;  but  the  question  that  presents  itself 
to  the  intelligent  and  reflective  mind  is,  'Where  the 
mischief  is  the  money  to  come  from  ?'  The  inclemency 
of  the  times  makes  no  impression  on  you,  Mrs.  Ketchum, 
whatever.  China,  indeed !  Haven't  you  enough  of  that 
sort  of  thing  yet  ?  I  assure  you,  Mr.  Ramsay,  that  my 
wife's  extravagance  in  this  matter  is  only  equalled  by 
her  parsimony.  She  is  always  buying  china ;  but  when 
we  have  no  company  I  am  made  to  eat  my  dinner  off  a 
tin  plate  on  the  back  steps,  to  save  wear  and  accidents. 
Ah,  there  is  Brown ;  come  just  in  time  to  save  me  from 
joining  the  noble  company  of  cashiers  in  the  woods. — 
Glad  to  see  you,  Brown." 

"  Husband  does  jest  so !  The  idea  of  his  saying — " 
Mabel  began,  but  had  to  go  forward  to  receive  Mr 
Brown,  his  brother  Mr.  Albert  Brown,  and  their  maiden 
sister  Miss  Susan  Brown.  The  last  was  a  great  friend 
of  Fraulein  Schmidt's,  and  joined  her  very  soon ;  the 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  315 

brothers  proceeded  to  make  their  compliments  to  the 
English  ladies ;  Mr.  Bates  attached  himself  to  Ethel ; 
and  Job  and  the  baronet  were  left  to  their  own  devices 
for  the  moment. 

"Is  that  the  brother  you  dislike?"  asked  Sir  Eobort, 
nodding  toward  Mr.  Albert  Brown.  "  Not  a  pleasant 
face,  certainly :  receding  forehead,  protruding  eyes, 
thin  lips." 

"  Oh,  it  is  not  his  personal  pulchritude  that  I  look  at : 
it  is  his  pellet  of  a  soul.  A  dozen  such  would  rattle  in 
a  mustard-seed,"  replied  Mr.  Ketchum,  giving  his  chair 
an  energetic  hitch.  "  He  is  so  mean  that  if  you  were 
to  bait  a  trap  with  a  postage-stamp  you  would  catch 
Albert  six  nights  out  of  seven  every  week  in  the  year. 
He  was  very  ill  last  winter, — said  to  be  dying, — but  the 
doctor  held  a  nickel  under  his  nose,  I  suppose,  at  the 
last  moment,  and  brought  him  back  again.  Strange  to 
say,  Brown  is  no  more  like  him  than  if  he  had  never 
heard  of  him.  His  heart  is  as  big  as  all  out-doors. 
Streaky  family, — like  breakfast  bacon.  I  have  known 
them  all  my  life,  but  I  never  could  stand  Albert ;  and  I 
have  never  asked  him  to  my  house.  He's  no  friend  of 
mine,  and  I  feel  at  liberty  to  express  myself  pretty 
freely  about  him.  I  wonder  what  brought  him  here  to 
night.  Bug  under  that  chip." 

Sir  Robert  would  willingly  have  stayed  with  his  host 
for  the  remainder  of  the  evening,  but  just  as  they  had 
changed  the  topic  of  conversation  and  settled  down  into 
a  comfortable  talk  about  several  things  that  interested 
him, — such  as  the  wages  of  servants,  agricultural  la 
borers,  and  artisans  in  Michigan,  the  price  of  bread  and 
c-oHt  of  living,  the  advantage  of  the  great  lakes  as  a 


316  CW  BOTH  SIDES. 

commercial  highway,  expense  per  bushel  of  transporting 
grain  to  England,  and  the  merchant-marine  of  America, 
—Mabel  joined  them,  and  asked  Sir  Eobert  if  he  would 
not  play  a  game  of  whist  with  her  mother  for  a  partner 
and  Mr.  Brown  and  Miss  Noel  as  his  adversaries.  Agree 
ing  to  this,  he  walked  over  and  took  his  seat  at  thb 
card-table,  and  was  soon  horrifying  Mr.  Brown  by  pro 
posing  to  play  for  money, — only  sixpenny  points  and 
"  hardly  an  object,"  as  he  explained  when  he  found  him 
self,  to  his  great  surprise,  indirectly  accused  of  gambling. 
"  There  isn't  a  clergyman  in  England  who  wouldn't  do 
it,"  he  said ;  "  but  don't  let  me  undermine  your  princi 
ples  over  here,"  and  forthwith  proceeded  to  give  him 
self  up  to  the  game  with  immense  gravity  and  such 
philosophy  as  he  could  command  with  a  partner  who 
revoked,  trumped  his  aces,  dropped  her  cards,  talked 
across  the  board,  announced  what  she  had  in  her  hand, 
never  knew  what  the  trump  was,  and  had  every  other 
fault  that  a  player  possibly  could  have  or  that  could 
infuriate  a  veteran  member  of  a  London  whist-club. 

As  Mabel  went  back  to  her  seat  she  heard  Mrs.  Sykes 
saying,  "  I  can't  say  that  I  care  for  American  scenery : 
it  seems  to  consist  chiefly  of  St.  Jacob's  Oil  on  rotting 
fences,  and  stony,  badly-tilled  fields,  and  weazly  sheep 
or  cows,  with  an  occasional  telegraph-pole  thrown  in. 
But  still  I  am  glad  to  have  seen  it.  One  must  see 
America  nowadays,  or  one  is  nobody.  "What  do  I  think 
of  this  -house  ?  Oh,  comfortable  enough.  The  library 
is  good,  the  pictures  barely  tolerable — " 

What  more  fault  she  was  about  to  find  did  not  ap 
pear,  for  just  then  the  door  opened,  and  Mr.  Banisay 
came  in,  accoutred  in  the  "  rig"  he  had  spoken  of,  and 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  317 

blushing  furiously  at  the  sight  of  the  additions  made  to 
the  party  in  his  absence. 

"  The  haughty  Briton,  as  he  appears  in  the  famous 
role  of  '  The  Border  Euffian,'  "  called  out  Mr.  Ketchum, 
laughingly.  "  Come  here,  Ramsay,  and  let  us  have  a 
look." 

Redder  still,  but  radiating  satisfaction  through  the 
veil  of  modesty,  Mr.  Ramsay  joined  his  host  on  the 
hearth-rug  and  bore  with  entire  good  humor  the  gen 
eral  inspection  that  followed.  He  was  dressed  in  a 
flannel  shirt,  a  pair  of  corduroy  trousers,  enormous 
jack-boots,  and  a  cork  helmet,  was  belted  and  spurred, 
carried  a  haversack,  wore  gauntlets  that  came  nearly 
up  to  his  elbow,  had  a  kind  of  wire  coop  with  a  gauze 
net  stretched  over  it  attached  to  his  helmet,  and  as  to 
arms  was  a  peripatetic  arsenal.  "  Green  of  the  Fusiliers 
got  me  up  this, — he's  been  out  in  Mexico  a  lot, — all  but 
this,"  touching  the  coop.  "  I  got  that  up  to  get  ahead 
of  those  brutes  of  mosquitoes,"  he  said,  and  glanced  at 
himself  in  fond  approval. 

The  sight  was  too  much  for  Mr.  Ketchum.  He  looked 
from  the  bristling,  buccaneering  Mr.  Ramsay  to  the  side-- 
whiskered  and  generally  Britished  Mr.  Bates  standing  a 
few  paces  off,  and  incontinently  fled.  Mabel  followed 
him  into  the  dining-room,  and  found  him  convulsed  with 
laughter  and  fairly  doubled  up  on  the  sofa.  "  What  is 
the  matter,  husband?  what  is  it?"  she  asked,  seeing 
nothing  to  put  anybody  into  such  a  state. 

"  Oh  !  It's  th-o — ha !  ha !  ha  !  ha !  ha !— those  two 
— ha!  ha!  ha!  ha!  ha!  ha!  ha!  ha! — those  two  imita 
tions  /"  Mr.  Ketchum  got  out,  with  great  difficulty,  and 
Convulsed  afresh,  laughing  until  the  tears  rolled  down 

27* 


318  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

his  cheeks,  to  the  no  small  amazement  of  his  wife,  who 
looked  on  quite  anxiously  at  the  demonstration.  It  was 
tsorne  moments  before  he  could  compose  himself  suffi 
ciently  to  go  back  ;  and  even  then  his  features  worked 
ominously,  and  he  had  the  greatest  difficulty  in  control 
ling  his  risibles. 

Mr.  Eamsay  was  still  contemplating  himself  delight 
edly  and  talking  of  what  he  meant  to  do  "  out  in  Colo 
rado  and  those  parts." 

Gradually  sobering  down,  Mr.  Ketchum  joined  in  the 
conversation,  telling  him  that  they  would  have  a  serious 
talk  about  the  Colorado  plan  next  day,  and  saying  what 
he  could  for  the  "  rig."  "  You  have  been  handed  around 
on  a  rose-leaf  all  your  life,  my  dear  fellow.  You'll  find 
it  exchanged  for  a  cactus  out  there, — the  roughest  sort 
of  life,  and  "human  nature  in  its  shirt-sleeves.  If  you 
were  not  an  Englishman,  I  should  advise  you  either  to 
go  home  again  or  invest  in  a  quarter's  worth  of  arsenic. 
You  can't  mine  in  hard-bake  with  a  pewter  spoon,  you 
know.  But  I  reckon  you  are  made  of  the  right  metal 
and  will  come  out  ahead  on  that  fight." 

"  I  can't  go  home,  you  know.  It  is  no  good  talking 
of  that.  I  haven't  got  the  money  to  live  there,  unless 
I  turned  mud-lark,"  said  Mr.  Eamsay.  "  The  governor 
won't  do  anything  for  me,  and  I  can't  get  tick,  and  I 
am  obliged  to  try  the  colonies  or  America." 

"  Well,  anything  is  better  than  being  an  English 
gentleman  who  can't  keep  up  with  the  procession,"  said 
Mi\  Ketchum;  "and  perhaps  you  may  be  the  pigeon 
that  is  to  pick  up  a  pea." 

After  this  there  was  some  music,  and  then  Sanford 
brought  in  the  tray,  with  the  materials  on  it  for  brew- 


Otf  THIS  SIDE.  319 

ing  what  Mr.  Ketchum  called  "  the  muriate  of  susquate 
of  iodized  potassium." 

Miss  Brown  refused  to  stay  long  enough  to  either  see 
the  deed  done  or  partake  of  the  contents  of  the  flowing 
bowl,  and  the  party  broke  up,  Mr.  Bates  kindly  assuring 
Sir  Robert  that  he  meant  to  see  a  great  deal  of  him. 

Good-nights  were  exchanged,  and  the  front  door 
closed. 

"  I  hope  Mr.  Brown  did  not  take  my  hat,"  said  Sir 
Robert,  and  walked  up  to  the  rack  to  assure  himself 
that  such  was  the  case.  His  eye  fell  upon  a  little  pile 
of  narrow  pasteboard  strips,  on  which  was  engraved, 
"  Mr.  Bates,  10  Chapel  Street,  Belgrave  Square."  Mr. 
Bates's  cards  always  bore  this  strange  device.  "  What 
an  ass !"  commented  the  baronet,  with  a  frown  of  dis 
gust  on  his  face ;  and  to  this  Mr.  Ketchum  added  some 
thing  emphatic  that  will  not  be  set  down  here. 

The  "  muriate"  having  been  mixed  on  purely  chemical 
and  medicinal  principles  and  imbibed  from  a  strong  sense 
of  duty,  they  all  took  their  bedroom  candles,  and  were 
about  to  ascend  the  stairs,  when  Sir  Robert  suddenly 
stopped,  and  said  to  his  host,  "  How  am  I  to  dress  to 
morrow  ?  What  shall  I  wear  ?"  An  embarrassing  pause 
followed.  "  What  are  we  going  to  do  ?"  he  added. 

The  English  people  present  understood  that,  accus 
tomed  to  the  carefully-arranged  programmes  of  visits 
at  English  country -places,  Sir  Robert  expected  that  cer 
tain  occupations  and  amusements,  involving  suitable 
preparations  for  the  same,  were  to  be  his  portion  in 
America. 

"  Oh,  dear,  how  shall  we  amuse  him  ?"  thought  Mabel 
dolefully. 


320  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

It  was  Job  who  came  to  the  general  rescue.  "  Wear 
what  you  please,"  ho  said.  "  America  Avas  invented  for 
the  express  purpose  of  getting  one  place  where  people 
could  wear  out  their  old  clothes  and  do  as  they  pleased." 

Sir  Robert  laughed,  as  did  the  others  in  chorus,  they 
resumed  their  march,  and  in  another  moment  had  dis 
appeared  into  their  respective  bedrooms. 

"  We  will  show  Sir  Robert  our  old  castles  and  ruins 
to-morrow,  and  our  cathedrals  and  abbeys  the  next  day, 
and  so  on,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum  to  his  wife.  "  Wasn't 
Ramsay  a  spectacle  for  gods  and  men  ?  When  I  see  a 
fellow  like  that  come  over  here,  Daisy, — and  they  are 
coming  by  the  dozen, — fellows  with  the  tastes  and 
habits  of  millionaires  and  only  such  knowledge  of  life 
and  people  as  is  to  be  gained  on  the  right  side  of  Eng 
lish  park-palings,  trained  to  no  profession  or  pursuit,  as 
ignorant  of  business  matters  as  our  little  child,  and 
suddenly  set  down  in  one  of  our  frontier  communities, 
like  the  Babes  in  the  Wood,  I  always  feel  like  saying  to 
them,  '  May  the  Lord  have  mercy  on  your  souls !'  The 
homesickness,  the  strangeness  of  everything,  the  hard 
ships,  and  the  almost  certain  failure  make  up  a  row  of 
stumps,  I  tell  you ;  the  stoniest  sort  of  patch  to  plough 
with  a  crooked  stick  and  a  strange  heifer." 

"But  why  need  they  plough  with  a  crooked  stick, 
dear?  It  is  very  sad  for  the  poor  things,"  Mabel 
replied. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  all  this  ?"  Mrs.  Sykes  wax 
asking  of  Mise  Noel,  their  rooms  communicating  and 
both  ladies  passing  to  and  fro. 

"  I  think  it  is  all  very  nice, — very  nice  indeed.  I  am 
sure  we  have  every  comfort  and  luxury  we  could  pos- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  321 

sibly  desire;  and  the  people  are  most  obliging,  civil, 
and  agreeable,"  replied  Miss  Noel. 

"  You  are  positively  infatuated  about  the  Americans," 
grumbled  Mrs.  Sykes  from  her  room. 

"  Oh,  no ;  nothing  of  the  kind.  But  we  are  not  likely 
to  agree  about  them ;  and,  as  I  am  considerably  tired 
with  the  fatigues  of  the  day,  I  may  as  well  close  my 
door  and  take  myself  straight  off  to  bed,"  said  Miss 
Noel,  shutting  the  door  of  argument  as  well  as  the  one 
of  oak. 

The  next  day  was  Saturday,  and  by  half-past  six 
o'clock  Miss  Noel  was  up  and  out,  getting  three  hours 
of  walking  and  botanizing  before  breakfast,  and  coming 
in  full  of  praises  of  the  beautiful  day,  a  basket  of  wild 
flowers  on  her  arm. 

Mrs.  Sykes  also  rose  early,  and,  having  written  a 
great  number  of  letters,  in  which  she  gave  very  spicy 
accounts  of  "  the  way  they  do  things  in  America,"  pro 
ceeded  to  make  herself  entirely  at  home,  as  Mr.  Ket- 
chum  had  urged  her  to  do.  There  was  a  spare-room 
adjoining  hers,  into  which  she  had  her  writing-  and 
sketching-materials  carried,  and  which  she  said  would 
do  very  well  for  her  boudoir  during  her  visit.  She  made 
Parsons  unpack  her  boxes  first,  instead  of  Miss  Noel's. 
She  had  all  her  stockings  collected  that  needed  darning, 
and  took  them  affably  to  "  Schmidt,"  as  she  called  Frau- 
lein,  telling  her  to  "  repair  them  neatly,  Swiss  fashion." 
She  went  on  a  grand  prowl  about  the  house  to  see  what 
it  was  like,  in  the  course  of  which  she  got  as  far  as  tho 
lumber-room  in  the  garret,  where  a  maid  was  packing 
away  the  surplus  winter  bedding ;  and,  seeing  the  store 
room  door  ajar,  she  marched  in  there,  and  was  staring 


322  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

with  lively  interest  at  its  wealth  of  "goodies,"  when 
Mabel  entered,  followed  by  the  cook.  Not  disconcerted 
in  the  least,  she  said  to  Mabel,  "  What  a  larder  you  have 
got,  to  be  sure !  I  suppose  you  are  very  contented  liv 
ing  over  here  on  the  fat  of  the  land." 

"  I  am  contented ;  but  it  is  not  because  I  am  living  on 
i/he  fat  of  the  land,  as  you  call  it,"  said  Mabel  coldly, 
and  then  went  on  to  give  directions  to  the  servant, 
which  she  purposely  spun  out  until  Mrs.  Sykes  took  the 
hint  and  left.  , 

Having  exhausted  her  resources,  Mrs.  Sykes  went  out 
on  the  front  veranda,  where  any  amount  of  amusement 
awaited  her  in  the  person  of  "  Hannibal  Hamlin,"  the 
first  little  darky  she  had  ever  met.  In  a  moment  she 
was  all  rapture.  "  Oh,  how  delightfully  black  he  is ! 
How  he  shines!  What  comical  bow-legs!  Poke  him 
up  and  make  him  laugh,  or  cry,  or  amuse  me  in  some 
way,  somebody.  Pray  put  him  down  there  in  front  of 
me,  where  I  can  see  his  eyes  roll.  Where  did  you  get 
the  comical  creature  ?  I  never  saw  anything  so  deli 
cious  and  intensely  interesting." 

"  He  is  Washington's  son,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  Eummest  pickanniny  I  ever  saw,"  said  Mr.  Heath- 
cote.  "  Friend  of  yours  ?"  (to  Mr.  Ketchum.) 

"  Yes ;  a  particular  one.  I  took  a  fancy  to  him  first 
because  he  looked  so  fresh  from  the  cocoanut-tree ;  and 
he's  as  smart  as  they  are  made.  Come  here,  Hannibal," 
said  Mr.  Ketchum.  Fishing  in  his  pocket,  he  pulled  out 
a  quarter,  whistled  a  lively  air,  and  fell  to  executing  the 
motion  known  as  "  patting  juber."  Up  sprang  Hanni 
bal,  and,  small  as  he  was,  danced  a  breakdown,  as  a 
pouter-pigeon  inflates  his  breast,  by  sheer  instinct.  His 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  323 

grins,  his  bare  brown  legs,  his  tatters,  the  indescribable 
African  swing  that  he  put  into  the  movement,  delighted 
the  spectators  beyond  measure.  They  laughed  up 
roariously  through  the  whole  performance ;  and  Ethel 
and  Mr.  Eamsay,  having  only  got  down  in  time  to  see 
the  final  shuffles  and  whirls,  insisted  on  an  encore.  Miss 
Noel  arrived  in  time  for  that,  and  it  was  received  with 
as  much  enthusiasm  as  the  first,  even  Sir  Eobert  giving 
out  a  series  of  painfully  obstructed  snorts  and  chuckles 
that  indicated  his  appreciation. 

"  Never  saw  such  a  little  nigger ;  drollest  specimen 
of  a  blackie  possible,"  ho  said. 

"  Sh-sh  !  colored  person,  you  mean.  "We  are  having 
our  English  history  rewritten  so  as  to  bring  out  the 
figure  of  the  Colored  Prince  properly,"  said  Mr.  Ket- 
chum.  "  Would  you  like  to  see  him  cut  a  few  more 
capers  ?" 

A  general  cry  of  "  Oh,  do !"  and  "  That  we  should !" 
\vent  up,  and  Mr.  Kctchum  began  to  whistle  again. 
But  he  had  reckoned  without  his  Hannibal,  who  had 
thrown  himself  down  on  his  back  and  declined  to  stir. 

"  I'se  tired.     Ain't  gwine  to  dance  no  mo',"  he  said. 

Threats,  temptations,  cajolery,  were  tried  in  vain. 
The  impudent  and  independent  attitude  of  the  child 
timused  them  almost  as  much  as  his  dancing,  but  they 
could  not  understand  how  he  dared  refuse  to  obey  Mr. 
Ketchum.  They  would  have  kept  him  spinning  away 
for  another  hour,  if  he  had  not  shown  the  caprice  of 
the  artist  and  strutted  off  with  the  funniest  swaggering 
air  while  Mrs.  Sykes  was  gone  in  search  of  her  block 
and  pencil,  intending  to  sketch  him.  This  she  did  later, 
in  a  great  variety  of  attitudes;  and  during  the  re- 


324  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

mainder  of  their  visit  Hannibal  was  an  unfailing  source 
of  interest. 

Breakfast  over,  they  nearly  ull  returned  to  the  ve 
randa  again, — the  ladies  bringing  out  their  work,  the 
gentlemen  smoking  and  reading.  Sir  Robert  and  Job 
each  had  a  pile  of  newspapers  to  look  over,  and  effected 
an  exchange  from  time  to  time  of  the  English  for  the 
American,  though  of  the  latter  Mrs.  Sykes  remarked, 
"  I  can't  see  what  interest  you  can  find  in  them.  They 
are  ill  written  and  abusive,  and  the  ridiculous  vulgarity 
of  the  advertisements  is  very  tiresome." 

Sir  Robert  was  a  man  who  read  every  part  of  his 
paper ;  and,  having  mastered  the  contents  of  his  copies 
of  the  "  Times,"  "  Standard,"  "  Pall  Mall  Gazette,"  and 
"  Guardian,"  he  tackled  some  of  the  leading  American 
dailies,  and  then  some  of  the  minor  and  more  provincial 
sheets.  It  was  a  funny  sight  to  see  his  expression  as 
he  wrestled  with  the  allusions  to  the  Cb.ica.go  girl's  foot, 
the  Rig-Yeda  and  baked  beans  paragraphs  about  Boston, 
and  such  jokes  as,  "  Mrs.  Wills  Hackett  lit  her  new  fire 
with  coal-oil  on  the  morning  of  the  23d  of  February : 
her  clothes  fit  the  present  Mrs.  Hackett  to  a  T ;"  or  the 
refined  pleasantry  of  such  stories  as,  " '  Yes,  Adolphus, 
there  is  a  terrible  gap  between  us,'  said  Araminta,  when 
her  parlor  young  man  gave  a  yawn  at  1.30  A.M."  Be 
wilderment  gave  place  to  a  different  emotion  when  he 
saw  that  a  certain  quack  medicine  was  "  reliable, — being 
what  it  was  in  the  beginning,  is  now,  and  ever  shall  be ;'" 
that  "Jim  Phelps"  (vide  a  police  report)  "had  blas 
phemed  his  Maker  five  dollars'  worth;"  also  a  verse 
from  the  Sermon  on  the  Mount  used  to  advertise  a 
'•'  Professor"  of  chirop'"  dy ;  and  a  leading  article  in  which 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  325 

with  much  delicate  editorial  raillery  the  Queen  of  Eng 
land  and  thp  Princess  Louise  were  cruelly  belittled  by 
being  called  "Vic"  and  "Lou." 

Mr.  Ketchum,  meanwhile,  was  enjoying  the  "  Court 
Chronicle,"  in  which  "  Her  Majesty  walked  out  on 
Friday  morning  attended  by  the  Duchess  of  Barn- 
borough,"  and  evidently  returned  quite  safely  to  lunch 
eon,  as  the  next  paragraph  proved :  "Her  Majesty  drove 
in  the  afternoon,  attended  by  the  Duchess  of  Barn- 
borough."  He  was  revelling  in  the  advei'tisements  for 
"  a  serious  cook ;"  an  "  Evangelical  footman,"  a  house 
maid  to  whom*  no  "  flounces  or  followers"  would  be  per 
mitted,  "  a  young,  musical,  cheerful  High-Church  curate, 
with  decided  views  on  the  eastward  position,  who  would 
be  expected  to  take  two  services  on  Sunday,  train  the 
choir-boys,  and  teach  Latin,  Greek,  French,  and  English 
branches  in  a  school;  graduate  of  Oxford  preferred: 
£50,"  and  of  "  Tomes  &  Dollop,  wig-makers  to  all  the 
crowned  heads  of  Europe."  He  had  got  to  "  sermons 
for  busy  rectors,  High,  Low,  or  Broad,  at  12/6  the  dozen," 
when  he  heard  an  exclamation  from  Sir  Robert,  and, 
looking  up,  saw  him  clutching  fiercely  the  "  Columbia 
Eagle,"  his  face  brick-red  with  anger  and  excitement. 
"  Look  at  this !"  he  cried :  "  this  infamous,  lying  article 
about  me !"  He  pushed  the  paper  into  Job's  hands,  who 
saw  a  long  article  chopped  into  short  paragraphs  and 
spiced  with  sensational  head-lines :  "  A  Bloated  Baro 
net!"  il  British  Vampires  and  Land-Grabbers T  "Mil 
lions  of  Acres  Wrested  from  the  American  People  /"  "  Con 
gressional  Legislation  Needed  /"  "  Rascally  Earls  and 
Bankrupt  Dukes!"  The  writer  of  the  article  was  the 
reporter  who  had  "interviewed"  Sir  Kobert  in  Wash  - 

28 


32C  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

ington.  He  purported  to  give  a  verbatim  account  of 
that  interview,  and  was  very  particular  to  state  the 
kind  of  chair  Sir  Eobert  sat  in,  where  his  arm  rested, 
liis  changes  of  position  and  expression.  He  painted  the 
baronet's  portrait  in  India  ink,  ridiculed  and  abused  him 
in  the  most  grossly  personal  and  shameless  fashion,  in 
vented  for  him  an  entire  conversation  containing  his 
"  views,"  motives,  thoughts,  and  plans,  and  then  took  him 
as  a  text  for  a  violent  attack  upon  the  Englishmen  of  rank 
who  have  bought  extensive  properties  in  this  country. 
Not  that  a  word  was  said  about  the  purchase-money. 
It  was  stated  that  "  the  blue  blood  of  England  had  pro 
duced  nothing  but  rascals,  sots,  and  libertines  for  the 
last  two  hundred  years."  A  magnificent  image  of  "  free 
America  stalking  athwart  the  stage  of  English  politics 
like  Banquo's  ghost,  terrifying  tyrants  and  inspiring 
serfs,"  was  drawn.  In  connection  with  the  well-known 
tendency  of  rats  to  leave  a  sinking  ship,  it  was  pointed 
out  that  "a  number  of  so-called  noblemen  had  come 
over  here  and  gone  to  the  virgin  West,  where  they  had 
wrung  from  the  horny-handed  sons  of  toil  the  blood- 
bought  domain  which  constituted  the  sole  inheritance 
of  their  children."  And  why  ?  "  That  they  might  plant 
the  Upas-tree  of  aristocratic  institutions  upon  the  free  soil 
of  Columbia  /"  While  Mr.  Ketchum  read  this  veracious, 
dispassionate  production,  so  creditable  in  every  respect 
to  American  civilization,  Sir  Kobert  walked  rapidly 
backward  and  forward  and  roared  and  raged  in  a  pretty 
fury, 

"  Oh,  these  Americans  !  these  Americans !"  exclaimed 
Mrs.  Sykes,  and  smiled  hatefully. 

Mr.  Ketchum  shot  an  angry  glance  at  her,  but  ad 


0^  THIS  SIDE.  327 

dressed  Sir  Robert.  "  I  shouldn't  care  a  claco,  if  I  were 
you,"  he  said.  "It  is  some  fellow  that  would  i-ather 
tell  a  lie  on  credit  than  the  truth  for  cash,  I  guess. 
Nobody  will  attach  any  importance  to  it.  Don't  let  it 
worry  you."  But  Sir  Eobert  was  of  a  different  opinion, 
and  attached  great  importance  to  it.  It  was  not  only 
that  it  did  not  contain  a  word  of  truth,  but  that  "  the 
rights  of  others  were  involved,  the  public  mind  would 
be  inflamed,  it  would  lead  to  acts  of  spoliation."  Mr. 
Ketchum  would  greatly  oblige  him  by  recommending 
"a  respectable  solicitor  in  Kalsing"  whom  he  might 
consult  and  instruct  to  prosecute  at  once.  Nothing 
would  do  but  that  he  should  have  legal  advice ;  and, 
after  using  every  argument  he  could  think  of  to  dis 
suade  him  from  this  course,  Mr.  Ketchum  agreed  to 
drive  him  into  town  that  afternoon. 

The  day  was  one  of  those  warm  lovely  ones  in  early 
summer  that  are  enough  to  draw  the  very  nails  out  of 
a  house,  so  that  the  ladies  had  lingered  outside.  There 
was  nothing  thunderous  or  electrical  in  the  atmospheric 
conditions,  but  all  the  same  it  was  destined  to  be  a  day 
of  disturbances.  His  talk  ended  with  Sir  Robert,  Mr. 
Ketchum  walked  back  into  the  dining-room  to  give 
Sanford  an  order,  and  while  there  he  was  surprised  to 
hear  loud  sounds  coming  from  the  hall.  ".Can  my  old 
ladies  have  locked  horns?"  he  thought,  and  walked 
quickly  back  to  see  what  was  the  matter.  The  matter 
was  this.  Shortly  before  the  arrival  of  the  English 
guests  Mrs.  Ketchum  had  lost  a  model  housemaid,  and 
nad  hired  as  a  stop-gap  an  Irish  girl  of  the  genus  Biddy, 
a  hopeless  incapable,  with  what  the  French  cafl  o,flam- 
kerge  au  vent  in  the  way  of  a  temper.  Mis.  Sykes 


328  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

noticed  her,  and  promptly  asked  Mabel  where  she  gol 
"  that  flauntily-dressed  sloven,  with  no  idea  of  her  posi 
tion  or  duties,  and  positively  flounced  up  to  the  waist." 
Thanks  to  mistress  rather  than  maid,  all  had  gone 
smoothly  for  a  few  days ;  but  this  morning  the  degrad 
ing  task  of  polishing  two  grates  and  hanging  up  the 
cascades  of  tissue-papers  that  Mabel  had  made  for  fire 
screens  had  been  assigned  to  her,  and  her  Milesian 
soul  had  utterly  revolted  at  the  idea.  So  down  she 
came  to  her  mistress,  and,  with  arms  akimbo  and  face 
aflame,  poured  out  a  Niagara  of  impertinence  and  rebel 
lion  that  utterly  amazed  the  guests  and  made  Mabel 
turn  pale.  Sir  Robert,  in  the  absence  of  Mr.  Ketchum, 
was  about  to  tell  her  that  he  would  "give  her  in 
charge," — a  threat  he  would  have  found  some  difficulty 
in  carrying  out, — when  Mr.  Ketchum  appeared  on  the 
scene  and  took  such  active  measures  that  in  fifteen  min 
utes  a  scornfully  erect  female  figure  might  have  been 
seen  sitting  in  a  cart  that  was  bowling  out  of  the 
grounds  en  route  to  Raising. 

Ten  minutes  later  another  interruption  came  that 
contrasted  comically  with  the  previous  one.  It  was 
Parsons  this  time, — Parsons  with  her  exaggerated  def 
erence  and  propriety  of  manner,  saying,  "  If  you  please, 
mem,  Master  Bobo  and  Miss  Blanche  'ave  been  fightin' 
that  dreadful  I  could  'ardly  separate  'em,  and  Master 
Bobo's  h'ear  is  all  tore  and  bleedin'  frightful!  What 
would  you  please  to  wish  done  about  it  ?  Will  I  bathe 
it  with  a  little  loo-warm  water  and  h'arnica,  if  there's 
any  hotted  ?" 

This  Dreadful  news  sent  both  Miss  Noel  and  Mrs. 
Sykes  in- doors  with  cries  of  "  Oh,  my  poor  cat !"  and 


O.V  THIS  SIDE.  329 

"  That  beastly  cat !  To  touch  my  dearest  angel !"  leav 
ing  a  smiling  company  behind  them,  and  one  person — 
Mr.  Ketchum — extravagantly  merry. 

"  Parsons  ought  to  be  exhibited  in  all  our  towns  and 
cities,"  he  said.  "  '  Miss  Blanche !  Master  Bobo  I'  Moses 
in  the  bulrushes !"  He  was  in  full  enjoyment  of  this, 
when  some  visitors  were  seen  approaching.  These 
proved  to  be  some  ladies  from  the  neighborhood,  one  of 
them  being  Miss  Bijou  Brown.  Miss  Noel  and  Mrs. 
Sykes  were  sent  for,  and,  reappearing,  gave  an  account 
of  the  late  fracas,  each  proving  that  the  pet  of  the  other 
was  alone  to  blame.  Bijou  stayed  some  time,  was  ex 
tremely  effusive  and  cordial  to  Miss  Noel  and  Ethel, 
and,  when  she  left,  cast  a  good  many  quick,  bright 
glances  about  her,  which,  being  translated, — though  she 
would  never  have  admitted  as  much  even  to  herself, — 
meant  that  she  had  expected  and  hoped  to  see  Mr.  Earn- 
say,  who  chanced  to  be  out  of  the  way.  A  second  batch 
of  callers  followed, — Dr.  Ehodes,  the  Ketchums'  family 
physician,  and  Governor  Bunnell,  from  a  neighboring 
State,  a  florid,  fluent  politician,  who  was  staying  with 
the  doctor.  Both  gentlemen  made  an  agreeable  im 
pression,  and  were  urged  by  Mrs.  Ketchum  to  stay  to 
luncheon,  but  declined. 

About  two  hours  later  the  carriage  came  round,  and 
Miss  Noel,  Mrs.  Sykes,  Sir  Eobert,  and  Mr.  Ketchum 
started  for  Kalsing.  Washington  was  instructed  to 
t;ike  a  certain  route,  that  an  especially  fine  view  of  the 
valley  might  be  enjoyed ;  and  they  were  about  half-way 
when  they  saw  quite  a  large  crowd  gathered  at  the 
cross-roads  near  a  blacksmith's  shop.  As  they  ap 
proached,  they  saw  the  figure  of  a  man  uplifted  above 

28* 


330  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

the  rest,  who  seemed  to  be  gesticulating  wildly ;  a  little 
nearer,  and  they  could  see  him  plainly. 

"  Pull  up,  Washington,"  called  out  Mr.  Ketchum,  and 
the  carriage  stopped. 

"  Dear,  dear !  Can  that  be  the  governor-general  ?"  asked 
Miss  Noel,  hardly  believing  her  own  eyes.  "  What  is 
'he  doing?" 

"  Eanting  like  a  street-preacher,  evidently,"  said  Mrs. 
Sykes,  but  nobody  paid  much  attention. 

The  governor  was  beginning  the  summer  campaign 
that  was  to  culminate  at  the  polls  in  the  autumn.  He 
was  a  ready-witted  man  and  a  capital  speaker.  He 
knew  how  to  interest  his  audience  and  keep  them  inter 
ested.  He  perfectly  understood  the  art  of  turning  in 
terruptions  of  every  kind  to  account.  He  knew  how 
to  tell  a  joke  or  story,  and  did  not  tell  too  many.  He 
was  affable,  grave,  satirical,  jocose,  statistical,  by  turns. 
He  got  off  two  Latin  quotations  that  were  not  the  less 
effective  for  not  being  understood.  He  fused  the  mass 
before  him  with  his  fervent  oratory,  and  swept  them 
along  by  the  force  of  an  eloquence  not  of  the  highest 
order  indeed,  but  extremely  effective  for  his  purpose. 
The  crowd  roared  and  cheered  with  a  will.  Cries  of 
"  Give  it  to  'em,  Johnny !"  "  That's  right !  waltz  into 
'em,  Jack !"  "  Hand  'em  another !"  rang  out.  Sir  Rob 
ert  listened  with  all  his  ears.  Even  the  ladies  caught 
the  excitement,  and  for  an  hour  the  governor  had  the 
pleasure  of  printing  his  sentiments  on  the  agricultural 
mind  as  plainly  as  if  he  had  represented  a  mould  and 
they  so  many  pats  of  butter.  Then  he  relapsed  into 
private  life,  put  on  his  coat,  which  had  been  laid  aside, 
poured  some  water  from  a  pitcher  (standing  on  a  keg 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  331, 

in  front  of  him)  into  a  glass,  drank  it  off,  and  scrambled 
down  from  the  wagon  in  which  he  had  been  enthroned. 

"  Splendid,  governor !  splendid !"  called  out  Mr.  Ket- 
ehum.  The  governor  bowed  his  acknowledgments,  and 
Washington  was  told  to  drive  on. 

"  A  rattling  good  speech,"  said  Sir  Robert,  and  plunged 
into  a  discussion  of  the  whole  electoral  system  of 
America,  that  gave  Mrs.  Sykes  no  chance  to  express  her 
views  then.  Demosthenes  could  not  have  excited  her 
admiration  or  retained  her  respect  in  the  governor's 
place ;  and  her  asides  to  Miss  Noel  were  so  contempt 
uous  that  it  was  a  lucky  thing  that  they  were  not  over 
heard  by  her  host. 

"  It  was  a  clever  speech,"  said  Miss  Noel, — "  Robert 
says  that ;  but  I  can't  think  why  he  took  off  his  coat. 
So  dreadfully  improper!  And  the  wagon  and  that. 
Why  didn't  he  take  up  his  quarters  at  an  inn,  and  have 
committees  and  all  that,  and  speak  from  a  balcony,  I 
wonder?  He  certainly  is  not  supported  by  anybody. 
The  principal  gentlemen  of  Raising  and  county-people 
must  be  in  favor  of  the  opposite  party.  I  fear  he  must 
be  a  sad  Radical.  They  call  him  '  Jack,'  as  if  one  of 
themselves !" 

Arrived  at  Raising,  the  ladies  did  a  little  shopping 
and  Sir  Robert  secured  a  lawyer.  He  also  saw  while  in 
that  part  of  the  town*  a  notice  affixed  to  a  door  that 
caused  him  to  stare  very  hard  for  a  moment  and  then 
laugh  outright.  It  bore  this  legend  every  day  at  the 
same  hour :  "  Gone  to  dinner.  Be  back  in  ten  minutes." 
"  Ten  minutes  for  dinner,  by  George !"  he  mentally  ex 
claimed,  and  drove  back  to  a  good  dinner  of  his  own, 
over  which  he  spent  so  many  hours  that  poor  Mr.  Ket- 


332  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

chum,  fcrbidden  by  his  wife  to  leave  the  table,  wriggled 
about  on  his  chair  as  if  impaled. 

That  evening  no  one  came  except  Mr.  Price  and  his 
sister,  an  extremely  vivacious  and  soulful,  not  to  say 
silly,  young  woman,  who,  considering  how  little  there 
was  in  her  to  express,  contrived  to  throw  an  astonishing 
amount  of  expression  into  a  pair  of  large  brown  eyes. 
By  an  amusing  chance,  Mr.  Price  undertook  to  talk  to 
Mrs.  Sykes ;  and  if  ever  Greek  met  Greek  it  was  on 
that  occasion.  They  mutually  plied  each  other  with 
questions  until  they  were  both  exhausted,  and  then 
parted  with  a  hearty  mutual  dislike.  His  first,  to  put 
it  in  charade  form,  was,  "Pleasant  journey  out  here? 
Scalper's  ticket  or  regular  one  ?"  and  the  information 
she  gleaned  from  him  about  railway-tickets  alone  ought 
to  have  made  her  more  lenient  in  her  judgment  of  him, 
especially  as  she  made  it  the  basis  of  a  settlement  with 
Sir  Eobert  a  few  days  later  when  they  went  over  their 
accounts  for  travelling  expenses,  and  she  refused  to  pay 
for  any  but  a  scalper's  ticket  from  New  York  to  Kalsing, 
on  the  ground  that  Sir  Eobert  ought  to  have  managed 
better  and  not  have  put  her  to  "  unnecessary  expense." 
She  ungratefully  spoke  of  Mr.  Price  as  "  an  inquisitive 
little  beast,"  however,  and  he  said  of  her  that  she  could 
ask  more  questions  than  anybody  he  had  ever  met  since 
he  was  born,  and  was  "  eaten  up  with  curiosity."  "  Ask 
ing  me  who  Mr.  Ketchum  was,  and  what  he  is  worth, 
and  whether  they  knew  many  nice  people,  and  a  hun 
dred  things,"  he  said.  "  I  hate  a  curious  woman.  I've 
got  no  use  for  them."  Nor  had  he. 

Meanwhile,  Miss  Price  rattled  on  and  on,  and  rolled 
her  entire  eyeballs  at  Mr.  Eamsay,  who,  having  had  a 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  333 

tiff  with  Ethel  that  afternoon,  was  obliged  to  fall  back 
on  Miss  Price  for  amusement.  This  she  afforded ;  and 
after  a  long  tete-a-tete,  she  rose  to  make  her  adieux,  clap 
ping  her  hands  breezily  in  his  face  by  way  of  impressing 
on  him  that  he  had  promised  to  come  and  see  her,  and 
assuring  him  that  she  would  be  "  perfectly  desperate" 
if  he  didn't  come.  She  then  said  good-by  to  Miss  Noel 
in  her  own  peculiar  fashion.  She  took  her  hand,  shot  a 
glance  of  almost  tragic  emotion  not  so  much  at  as  into 
Miss  Noel,  and  murmured,  "  So  glad  to  have  met  you ! 
So  glad  !  Let  me  kiss  you,  won't  you  ?  I  pine  to  kisa 
the  cousin  of  a  duke."  Without  waiting  for  an  answer, 
which  Miss  Noel  was  too  much  taken  aback  to  give,  she 
saluted  that  lady,  and,  still  holding  her  hand,  shot  a 
glance  expressive  of  a  heart-rending  pang  of  separation 
at  Mrs.  Sykes,  and  murmured,  "  So  glad  to  have  met  you, 
too!  Charmed.  You  will  come  and  see  me,  too,  will 
you  not  ?  Say  that  you  will." 

"  I  will,  if  I  can  manage  it  conveniently,  and  if  I  can't 
1  won't,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  You  had  not  best  look  for 
me :  it  is  hardly  probable  that  I  shall  have  time  to 
return  visits." 

"  So  sorry, — so  very  sorry !"  said  Miss  Price,  more 
deeply  expressive  of  irreparable  loss  than  ever,  and 
taking  her  hand  lingeringly.  In  this  way  she  made 
her  sentimental  rounds,  Mr.  Ketchum  looking  on  im 
patiently  the  while.  "When  at  last  she  was  safely  out 
side  the  front  door,  he  came  back,  sank  into  a  chair, 
rolled  his  eyes  up  to  the  ceiling,  and  exclaimed,  "  For 
this  and  all  thy  mercies,  yours  respectfully,"  in  a  way 
that  brought  down  the  house. 

Even  Mrs.  Sykes  condescended  to  laugh.     "Really, 


334  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

now,  you  have  an  odd,  striking  way  oi  saying  a  thing 
sometimes.  You  have,  really,"  she  said  and  was  sur 
prised  that  he  did  not  seem  more  gratified  by  her  com 
mendation.  "  I  have  been  amused  two  or  three  timea 
myself,"  she  added,  in  a  tone  of  good-humored  patronage. 

"  No !  Have  you  ?  Kyind  heaven,  thou  art  merciful 
and  hast  gratified  my  highest  earthly  ambition  I"  cried 
Job,  striking  a  mock  dramatic  attitude. 

"  Husband,  will  you  see  that  the  gas  is  not  left  burn 
ing  in  the  butler's  pantry  all  night  ?"  said  Mabel.  "  It 
is  such  a  waste." 


VII. 

IT  has  not  been  concealed  that,  with  all  his  fine  quail- 
ties,  Mr.  Ketchum  was  an  obstinate  man,  and  so,  in  spite 
of  his  wife's  remonstrances,  he  came  down-stairs  next 
morning — Sunday  morning — in  a  dress  that  she  had 
assured  him  was  "  only  fit  for  one's  bedroom," — namely, 
a  very  gorgeous  Oriental  dressing-gown  (Mabel's  gift 
the  preceding  Christmas),  with  a»  fez  on  his  head,  and 
on  his  feet  a  pair  of  slippers  of  amazing  workmanship 
and  Boundlessness,  the  joy  of  his  feet,  if  not  of  his  heart. 
Thus  accoutred,  he  prowled  about  on  the  lower  floor, 
looking  after  various  things,  and,  going  into  the  pantry 
for  something,  he  chanced  to  look  through  the  small 
window  used  for  the  transmission  of  dishes  from  the 
next  room,  and  saw  Parsons  holding  a  pile  of  letters 
one  by  one  over  a  steaming  kettle.  Unconscious  of  his 
proximity,  the  respectable  Parsons  dexterously  and 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  335 

neatly  opened  several  envelopes  with  a  practised  hand, 
and  then  transferred  the  letters  to  her  pocket,  to  be  en 
joyed  at  her  leisure,  after  which  she  laid  hold  of  the 
kettle  and  retired  to  the  kitchen  beyond. 

"  "Well,  upon  my  word,  if  that  isn't  the  coolest  thing 
I  ever  saw!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Ketchum  mentally,  and, 
feeling  that  he  had  made  a  great  discovery,  was  at  first 
for  sharing  it  immediately  with  Parsons's  mistress ;  but 
on  reflection  he  thought  differently.  "  It  is  her  funeral : 
I  guess  I  had  better  not  meddle :  there  would  be  a  great 
scene,"  he  thought.  "  At  any  rate,  I'll  wait  until  they 
are  leaving  before  putting  her  on  her  guard."  He 
went  back  to  the  dining-room  to  his  newspaper,  and  sat 
there  until  the  others  came  down. 

Miss  Noel  was  not  long  in  the  room  before  an  idea 
struck  her.  "  Did  you  not  say  that  your  post-bag  con 
taining  the  night's  mail  would  be  sent  over  this  morn- 
*ng,"  she  asked. 

"  I  did.  It  came  about  an  hour  ago,"  said  Mr.  Ket 
chum. 

"  How  very  nice  !  I  hope  there  may  be  something 
for  me.  It  is  so  very  trying  to  get  no  news  from  Eng 
land,"  said  Miss  Noel. 

"  Why,  Mabel  had  twenty-three  letters  laid  aside  for 
you  until  you  should  come.  Didn't  she  give  them  to 
you  ?"  asked  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  "Were  none  of  those  from 
England  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes.  But  that  was  three  days  since,  and  I've 
heard  nothing  for  a  fortnight.  If  Parsons  has  quite 
finished  with  the  letters,  I  suppose  I  may  as  well  have 
them.  And  she  must  be,  by  this.  Would  you  kindly 
ring  and  send  for  them  ?"  said  Miss  Noel. 


336  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

* 

"What!  you  know  that  she  reads  your  letters?* 
exclaimed  Mr.  Ketchum,  surprised. 

"  Oh,  dear,  yes.  They  all  do.  It  is  very  tiresome, 
but  they  will  do  it.  Parsons  is  generally  good  enough 
to  let  me  have  them  quite  promptly ;  but  she  reads 
them,  of  course, — all  but  my  cousin  Blanche  Best's  let 
ters.  Blanche  has  always  been  my  most  intimate  friend, 
and  can't  bear  the  idea :  so  she  blocked  the  game  by  a 
most  ingenious  device.  She  writes  one  sentence  in 
French,  the  next  in  Italian,  the  third  in  English, — at 
least  she  did  until  a  happier  plan  suggested  itself:  now 
she  writes  English  in  German  text.  It  answers  per 
fectly  ;  but  it  is  having  a  great  effect  on  Parsons,  quite 
undermining  her  constitution,  I  fear,  especially  when 
important  things  are  happening  at  '  The  Court,'  where 
I  often  go.  I  sometimes  wickedly  slip  one  of  Blanche's 
letters  under  the  pin-cushion,  as  if  with  the  intention 
of  concealing  it,  and  I  have  so  enjoyed  seeing  Parsons 
whip  it  under  her  apron  when  she  got  the  chance,  know 
ing  that  she  could  not  make  out  a  single  word.  She 
really  looked  quite  green  afterward  for  a  week :  pure 
chagrin." 

"  I  am  sure  I  have  done  everything  that  I  could  think 
of  to  keep  my  letters  from  my  man,"  said  Sir  Eobert, 
"  but  quite  without  success.  I  think  he  finds  my  corre 
spondence  a  little  dull  sometimes,  as  compared  with 
that  of  a  former  place.  He  came  to  me  from  the  great 
est  scamp  in  England ;  and  I  can  fancy  that  the  letters 
there  were  very  various  and  diverting.  My  own  must 
be  altogether  too  ponderous  and  respectable  for  a  taste 
formed  on  sensational  models." 

"  Well,  all  I  have  got  to  say  is  that  if  I  caught  a  sor 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  337 

vant  of  mine  at  that  little  game  I'd  make  my  letters 
uncommonly  interesting  reading  to  him ;  and  if  the 
style  suited  him,  I'd  see  that  he  got  a  little  leisure  in 
the  penitentiary  to  copy  them  and  impress  them  on  his 
mind.  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  don't  even  dis 
charge  them  for  it?"  said  Mr.  Ketchum.  "I  never 
heard  anything  like  it !" 

"  One  could  discharge  the  culprit  easily  enough ;  the 
trouble  is  that  his  successor  or  successors  would  do  ex 
actly  the  same  thing,"  replied  Sir  Robert.  "  "When  the 
Barons  rose,  they  neglected  to  provide  a  remedy  for  an 
unforeseen  nuisance,  and  I  suppose  this  literary  partner 
ship  of  Master  &  Servant,  Limited,  will  always  exist. 
I  wrote  a  note  once  to  Beazely  (my  man),  addressed  to 
myself,  and  told  him  that  if  he  disapproved  of  the  Con 
servative  tone  of  my  correspondence,  as  was  likely, 
seeing  that  he  was  a  Radical,  I  would  make  an  eifort  to 
get  at  Dilke  or  Bright,  with  a  view  to  an  occasional  note 
at  least.  The  envelope  had  been  resealed,  I  saw  when 
it  reached  me,  but  Beazely  had  no  more  expression  in 
his  face  than  the  Sphinx.  My  letters,  however,  were 
not  tampered  with  for  about  a  week." 

Mrs.  Ketchum  senior  became  fluent  in  her  amazement : 
"  How  perfectly  dreadful !  Good  gracious !  What  did 
you  do  about  your  husband's  letters  ?  The  idea  of 
sharing  his  letters  with  a  servant!" 

She  was  addressing  Mrs.  Sykes,  who  said  very  cheer 
fully  in  reply,  "  Oh,  there  was  never  anything  in  his 
letters,  except  warnings  to  put  the  servants  at  board- 
wages  before  I  went  away,  and  look  to  expenditures, 
and  not  ask  him  for  any  more  money  soon.  I  didn't 
mind  much.  I  was  rather  ashamed  of  the  spelling,— 
v  w  29 


338  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

that  was  all.  Poor  dear  Guy  never  could  spell,  and  I 
never  read  anything  so  dull  as  his  letters, — the  same 
thing  over  and  over  again,  till  it  hardly  seemed  worth 
while  to  open  them,  only  for  knowing  what  he  was  up 
to,  or  when  he  was  coming.  How  my  poor  sisters  did 
laugh  one  Christmas  when  I  got  a  letter  from  him  in 
Italy,  saying, '  The  cole  here  is  intense ;  but  I  have  got 
a  projick  in  my  head,  which  is  to  get  back  to  England 
as  fast  as  rale  and  steme  can  possibly  carry  me' !  It 
wasn't  often  that  bad ;  but  there  was  always  something 
wrong.  I  can't  think  how  it  is,  for  he  had  no  end  of 
tutors  and  masters,  except  that  he  certainly  was  a  very 
thick-headed  fellow."  She  laughed  merrily  over  tho 
epistolary  deficiencies  of  her  late  lord  as  she  spoke,  and 
every  one  joined  her  except  Mrs.  Ketchum,  who  was 
too  shocked  to  countenance  her. 

"  I  saw  Parsons  in  the  very  act  of  opening  your  let 
ters  this  morning  as  I  was  roaming  around  in  my  Jesuit 
creepers,  and  thought  you  would  be  horrified ;  but  it 
seems  to  be  all  right,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum,  glancing  down 
at  his  slippers.  "  Suppose,  now,  we  have  some  break 
fast  :  it  is  late.  We  haven't  nearly  as  much  time  as  the 
patriarchs,  anyway,  and  so  much  more  use  for  it.'* 

"  I  have  been  thinking  it  would  never  be  ready,"  said 
Mrs.  Sykes. 

"  And  I  am  quite  ready  for  it.  Isn't  that  a  nice  new- 
laid  egg  for  me?"  asked  Miss  Noel,  taking  her  place 
with  the  others. 

"  Mabel,  eggs  for  Miss  Noel  every  morning,  if  she 
likes  them,  and  don't  you  forget  it,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 
" '  Trouble'  ?  Not  the  least  that  ever  was.  I  have  them 
for  myself  always.  An  egg  for  me  must  be  like 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  339 

wife, — above  suspicion.  I  have  provided  myself  with 
a  conscientious  High-Church  hen  that  lays  one  every 
day  of  the  year;  though  how  she  can  think  it  worth 
her  while,  when  they  are  selling  for  ten  cents  a  dozen, 
I  can't  imagine. — What's  the  matter,  Heathcote  ?" 

The  matter  was  the  "Jesuit  creepers"  and  the  hui 
combined,  which  had  sent  all  the  party  into  a  little  ft 
of  laughter,  from  which  Mr.  Heathcote  could  not  r«  • 
cover. 

"  I  don't  see  anything  to  double  you  up  like  a  jack 
knife,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum,  in  allusion  to  his  guest's  waj 
of  stooping  over  and  having  the  laughs,  as  it  were, 
shaken  out  of  him  by  a  superior  force,  while  he  got  out 
at  intervals, — 

"  Jest — creep — High — such  a  fellow !"  in  staccato  jerks 
that  Made  every  one  else  laugh  from  sympathy. 

"  /  call  'em  that  because  Mother  Schmidt  made  them 
for  me  so  that  I  could  steal  a  march  on  my  mother-in- 
law,  and  she's  a  Catholic  and  knew  how  to  do  it.  Talk 
ing  of  Catholics  and  what  Washington  calls  the  '  'Pesky- 
palians,'  who  is  going  to  church  to-day  ?" 

"  I  am  going  to  walk  over  to  Dale  with  Bijou  Brown 
und  her  father,"  said  Ethel. 

"  That  isn't  as  nice  a  church  as  ours.  We  will  take 
the  others  into  Kalsing,  eh,  husband  ?"  said  Mabel ; 
"that  is,  if  they  will  come." 

"  I  will  go  to  the  scaffold  with  Mrs.  Ketchum,"  pro 
tested  Sir  Robert  gallantly.  "  What  do  you  youngsters 
say?" 

"  Ramsay  and  I  thought  we  would  walk  over  to  that 
little  village  on  the  crest  of  a  hill  that  one  can  see  from 
my  window,"  said  Mr.  Heathcote. 


340  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  You  Lad  much  better  go  to  church, — much  bettc  r 
But  of  course  your  soul  is  your  own,"  said  Sir  Robert. 

"  You  won't  have  much  body  left  when  you  get  back : 
it  is  a  good  twenty  miles,"  remarked  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  Oh,  that  is  nothing,"  replied  Mr.  Ramsay. 

"Forty  miles  there  and  back!  Are  they  crazy?" 
Mrs.  Ketchum  asked  of  Mabel  sotto  voce ;  to  which  a 
smile  and  shake  of  the  head  came  in  answer. — "  The 
day  is  very  damp,  Job.  I  am  almost  afraid  to  go  out ; 
but  it  is  my  duty,  and  I  will." 

"  That's  right,  ma.  Do  your  duty.  It  is  a  good  earthly 
as  well  as  heavenly  investment,"  replied  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"But  I  wish,  son,  that  you  would  live  in  Kalsing, 
next  to  the  church,  or  in  New  York,  which  would  be 
better.  I  saw  a  beautiful  house  advertised  in  the  neigh 
borhood  of'Trinity  Church  the  other  day,  and  wrote  to 
ask  about  it,""  said  Mrs.  Ketchum,  who  was  always  in 
spirit  moving  the  family  away  from  Fairfield. 

"You  are  too  speculative,  ma,  entirely,"  said  he. 
"  You  are  like  my  partner,  Richardson,  who  would  write 
to  ask  the  Czar  what  he  would  take  for  the  Winter 
Palace,  if  I'd  let  him,  when  if  steamships  were  a  dollar 
u  dozen  he  couldn't  put  up  enough  to  buy  a  gang-plank. 
I  can't  move  next  to  a  church,  because  all  you  womenites 
belong  to  different  ones ;  but  I  can  take  a  room  for  you 
in  the  steeple  and  have  an  elevator  put  in  that  will 
make  close  connection  with  the  services,  if  you  like." 

"  Don't  be  irreverent,  my  son,"  said  Mrs.  Ketchum, 
who,  like  some  other  Protestants,  believed  in  an  infal 
lible  steeple,  if  not  an  infallible  Pope.  "  I  don't  expect 
my  wishes  to  be  considered  in  anything." 

"Oh,  come,  now,  ma;  that  isn't  fair.     Except  that  I 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  341 

married  to  suit  myself,  which  is  about  the  only  foolish 
thing  that  I  have  done,  I  have  been  tolerably  obedient, 
I  think,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum,  aware  that  he  was  on  dan 
gerous  ground. 

"  Do  tell  us  about  it.  You  wanted  him  to  marry 
some  one  else, — some  one  with  a  fortune,  didn't  you  ?" 
said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "  Quite  natural,  I  am  sure." 

"  She  wanted  me  to  marry  the  ugliest  woman  east 
of  the  Kockies,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  But  I  couldn't 
stand  that  face  behind  my  cups  and  saucers  three  hun 
dred  and  sixty-five  days  in  the  year,  and  I  bolted  to 
England,  where  my  wife  picked  me  up." 

"  She  wasn't  so  ugly  at  all,  Job,  except  that  her  nose 
was  a  little  aquiline,"  protested  Mrs.  Ketchum. 

"  Aquiline  as  a  camel's  back,"  asserted  her  son,  in  an 
aside. 

"  And  her  hair  was  rather  auburn,"  Mrs.  Ketchum 
went  on,  in  reluctant  concession. 

"  Call  it  pink,  as  the  English  do  their  hunting-coats," 
suggested  he,  smiling. 

"  But  such  a  dear,  good  girl,  you  quite  forgot  that  she 
wasn't  exactly  handsome"  ("  No,  not  precisely,"  inter 
jected  he)  "  when  you  came  to  know  her." 

"  That  I  never  did.  It  might  as  a  speculation  have 
done  to  get  a  cast  of  her  face  for  andirons  to  keep  the 
American  child  from  falling  into  the  fire;  but  marry 
her  I  Good  Lord  !  When  I  eat  anything  now  that  dis 
agrees  with  me,  I  dream  of  Emily's  mouth,"  affirmed 
Mr.  Ketchum,  with  the  most  laughing  mirth  in  his  eyes, 
his  mobile  features  expressing  volumes. 

"  Her  mouth  was  large,  and  her  teeth  a  little  promi 
nent.  But  you  shall  not  abuse  Emily  any  more.  You 

29* 


^42  ON  BOTH  SIDEV. 

would  have  been  very  happy  with  her,  I  can  tell  you," 
asserted  Mrs.  Ketchum.  "  You  would  have  got  over 
her  mouth." 

"  I  might  in  time  have  got  around  it,  and  I  could 
easily  have  got  into  it,  but  I  should  never  have  got  over 
it  in  the  world,"  affirmed  Mr.  Ketchum,  with  decision. 
"  I  would  rather  be  married  to  that  Puseyite  there,  un 
happy  as  I  am." 

This  closed  the  little  duel  between  the  mother  and 
son,  and  another  laugh  drowned  Mabel's  remark  to  Miss 
Noel,  which  was,  "  Husband  is  in  one  of  his  joking 
moods,  and  does  not  mean  that  he  is  really  unhappy  at 
all.  He  should  not  say  such  things,  they  are  so  very 
misleading." 

When  quiet  was  restored,  a  discussion  followed  about 
the  parties  in  the  English  Church,  and,  the  question 
being  raised  as  to  who  was  the  head  of  the  Low  Church 
party,  Mr.  Ketchum  had  just  said,  "  Why,  Lucifer,  of 
course,"  when,  amid  general  merriment,  Miss  Brown 
walked  in,  saying,  "  I  never  heard  of  such  an  uproarious 
Sunday  party.  Are  you  ready,  Ethel  ?  We  ought  to 
be  off," — which  practically  ended  the  meal,  for  first  Mr. 
Eamsay  and  then  the  others  left  the  table,  he  to  talk  to 
Bijou,  they  to  get  ready  for  church.  Job's  eyes  fol 
lowed  Mr.  Ramsay,  and  he  said  to  Sir  Bobert,  "  What  a 
charming  girl  Mrs.  De  Witt  was  in  the  old  Cheltenham 
days !  Heathcote  didn't  make  the  landing  there,  and 
I'm  sorry." 

"  So  am  I.  She  is  an  immense  favorite  of  mine,"  said 
Sir  Eobert.  "  As  charming  as  ever !  It  was  a  more 
serious  thing  than  I  thought  it  would  be.  I  doubt 
\*  bother  he  ever  marries." 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  343 

"  She  was  a  born  enchantress,  Jenny  was,"  he  replied. 
"  Some  women  are  like  poison  oak, — once  get  them  in 
your  system,  and  they  will  break  out  on  you  every 
spring  for  fifty  years,  if  you  live  that  long,  fresh  and 
painful  as  ever.  But  as  for  his  marrying,  some  one  of 
our  girls  will  enter  for  the  Consolation  stakes,  very 
likely,  and  he  will  be  married  before  he  knows  what 
has  hurt  him." 

"  A  consummation  devoutly  to  be  wished,"  said  Sir 
Bobert.  "  He  is  my  heir,  you  know." 

In  a  few  minutes  Ethel  joined  Bijou,  who  looked  at 
her  rather  hard,  as  she  felt.  Ethel  wore  a  simple  serge 
dress,  heavy  boots,  a  stout  frieze  jacket,  and  a  hat  of  a 
shape  unknown  in  America,  that  seemed  to  be  all  cocks' 
plumes.  Her  eyes  being  weak,  she  had  put  on  her 
smoked  glasses.  The  day  being  damp,  and  her  chest 
delicate,  she  had  added  her  respirator.  "  I  am  nicely 
protected,  am  I  not  ?"  she  said  contentedly.  "  I  had  a 
severe  cold  last  winter,  from  which  I  am  not  quite  re 
covered,  and  auntie  thinks  I  had  best  be  prudent.  Are 
you  ready  ?" 

"  Not  quite,"  said  Bijou.  "  I  want  to  see  Mrs.  Ket 
chum  a  moment."  She  ran  off,  accordingly,  into  the 
library  in  search  of  the  old  lady,  whom  she  found  there 
looking  out  the  lessons,  it  being  her  practice  to  verify 
every  word  the  clergyman  road,  and  no  small  satisfac 
tion  to  catch  him  tripping.  "  Do,  Mrs.  Ketchum,  speak 
to  Ethel  and  get  her  to  take  off  those  machines  and 
put  on  something  stylish,"  said  Bijou.  "I  am  really 
ashamed  to  take  her  into  our  pew ;  people  will  stare  so. 
She  is  a  perfect  fright.  The  idea  of  a  girl  making  her- 
self  look  like  that!" 


344  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Mrs.  Ketchum,  however,  declined  to  interfere,  and 
when  Bijou  got  back  to  the  drawing-room  Ethel  was 
missing.  Taking  advantage  of  Bijou's  absence,  she 
had  gone  up-stairs,  and,  during  the  library  interview, 
was  saying  to  her  aunt,  "  You  never  saw  anything  got 
up  as  she  is, — silk,  and  satin,  and  lace,  and  bracelets, 
and  feathers,  and  what  not.  And  for  church,  too !  I 
wonder  she  should  turn  out  like  that:  she  should  have 
better  taste.  I  really  don't  quite  like  going  with  her. 
she  looks  so  conspicuous, — just  as  if  she  were  going  to 
a  garden-party  or  flower  show,  for  all  the  world." 
When  they  met  again,  both  girls  looked  a  little  conscious, 
and  Ethel  said,  "  How  very  smart  you  are !" 

"  Why,  this  is  an  old  dress  that  I  put  on  for  fear  it 
might  rain,"  said  Bijou.  "  Don't  you  hate  having  to 
wear  goggles  and  cages  and  things  ?  It  must  be  per 
fectly  horrid." 

"I  don't  mind.  Of  course  one  isn't  looking  one's 
best;  but  that  is  of  no  consequence.  Health  is  the 
first  consideration,"  said  Ethel.  "Ah!  there  comes 
your  father." 

Of  the  walk  it  need  only  be  said  that  it  was  very 
pleasant  going,  and  rained  a  little  coming  back ;  that 
Ethel  produced  her  "goloshes,"  put  up  her  umbrella, 
and  walked  home  as  serenely  as  her  concern  for  Bijou 
would  admit.  That  young  lady  had  on  paper-soled 
boots  that  got  soaking  wet,  a  fine  summer  parasol  that 
she  seemed  to  think  fulfilled  every  office  that  was 
desirable  in  shielding  her  bonnet,  a  dress  ill  fitted  to 
resist  chill  or  dampness.  She  persisted  that  she  was 
"  all  right,"  while  her  pretty  teeth  chattered  ;  but  she 
caught  a  violent  cold,  and  was  in  beH  a  week,  while 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  345 

Ethel  came  down  to  dinner  as  rosy  as  Baby  Ketchum, 
and  ate  as  heartily  as  Mr.  Ramsay  and  Mr.  Heathcote, 
who  certainly  showed  themselves  good  trenchermen. 
Mrs.  Ketchum  persisted  in  regarding  the  two  young 
men  very  much  as  though  they  had  been  returned 
Arctic  travellers,  and  amused  them  not  a  little  by  sug 
gesting  that  they  should  lie  down  all  the  evening. 

"  Why,  we  haven't  turned  a  hair.  We  are  as  fit  as  a 
fiddle,"  they  exclaimed,  and  looked  anything  but  un- 
etrung. 

Ethel  had  made  one  speech  that  morning  that  aston 
ished  Bijou  considerably.  "  Do  you  know,  I  have  been 
watching  you  ever  since  I  have  known  you,"  she  said, 
"to  see  if  it  was  true?  That  is,  that  the  American 
ladies  spat  on  all  occasions,  as  I  have  read.  Don't  think 
me  rude  to  mention  it." 

"  We  don't  quarrel  any  more  than  any  one  else,"  said 
Bijou,  quite  misunderstanding. 

"  I  don't  mean  that,  you  know :  expectorate.  And  I 
see  it  was  not  true  at  all.  I  have  not  seen  it  once," 
explained  Ethel. 

"I  should  think  not !  Well,  I  do  think !  How  could 
you  believe  such  ridiculous  nonsense?"  asked  Bijou 
indignantly. 

"Don't  be  vexed,  Bijou  dear.  I  did  not  mean  to 
make  unkind  reflections.  It  was  only  that  I  had  read 
a  stupid  book  about  America,"  said  Ethel;  and  peace 
was  restored. 

As  for  the  other  members  of  the  party,  they  had  gone 
to  a  handsome  church  in  Kalsing,  which  boasted  the 
best  stained  glass  in  the-  country  and  was  thoroughly 
ohurchlv  and  attractive.  Here  they  not  only  heara 


346  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

good  music,  but  one  of  the  most  eloquent  preachers  in 
"the  American  branch  of  the  English  establishment," 
as  Sir  Robert  called  the  Episcopalian  communion. 

It  amused  Mr.  Ketchum  not  a  little  to  see  the  way 
m  which  the  baronet  conducted  his  devotions, — his  pre 
liminary  prayer  in  his  silk  hat,  from  which  streamed  a 
halo  of  side-whiskers,  the  heartiness  with  which  he 
joined  in  the  service,  especially  the  way  in  which, 
avoiding  all  the  compromises  the  male  American  prac 
tises  in  prayer-time  (such  as  bending  forward  a  little, 
or  leaning  back  pensively  with  the  hand  shading  the 
face),  he  plumped  squarely  down  on  his  knees,  turned 
up  a  pair  of  shoes  half  as  long  as  his  very  respectable, 
tightly-rolled  umbrella,  and  made  his  responses  in  a  clear, 
audible  voice,  like  an  honest  gentleman  and  a  miserable 
sinner. 

It  did  not  escape  Mr.  Ketchum's  keen  eyes,  either, 
that  although  Sir  Robert  contributed  a  five-dollar  bill 
to  the  offertory,  he  first  rolled  it  up  into  a  tiny,  unrec 
ognizable  wad  before  dropping  it  into  the  alms-basin. 
The  service  over,  Sir  Robert  and  the  eminent  divine 
were  made  acquainted.  The  latter  said  he  would  call 
as  soon  as  he  could  snatch  a  moment,  and  Sir  Robert, 
his  hands  folded  behind  his  back,  holding  his  hat  and 
gloves,  made  the  rounds  of  the  church,  inspecting  every 
bit  of  carving,  frescoing,  glass,  and  brass,  and  making 
'the  most  intelligent  criticisms  upon  what  he  saw  to 
Miss  Noel  in  a  whisper.  Mrs.  Sykes  sat  still  in  the 
pew,  fuming  at  being  "  let  in  for  a  charity  sermon,"  for 
some  inexplicable  reason,  seeing  she  had  given  nothing 
to  the  charity.  Miss  Noel  was  stopped  at  the  door  by 
no  loss  a  person  than  Captain  Kendall,  who  had  suddenly 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  347 

discovered  that  he  had  a  great-aunt  living  in  Kalsing, 
whom  he  must  see,  and  now  stood  there  saying,  "  Where 
is  Miss  Ethel  ?  How  is  it  that  you  are  here  without 
her  ?  I  hope  she  is  quite  well." 

"My  niece,  Miss  Heathcote,  is  quite  well,  thanks, 
and  has  gone  to  church  elsewhere,"  said  Miss  Noel,  with 
dignity,  intending  to  mildly  repress  a  young  gentleman 
whom  she  thought  a  little  too  free  with  his  "Miss 
Ethels." 

"  Then  I  will  have  the  pleasure  of  calling  upon  you 
to-morrow,"  said  Captain  Kendall,  unabashed  and  joy 
ous,  as  he  walked  away. 

So  active  an  intelligence  as  Sir  Eobert's  requires 
plenty  of  food,  and  when  Mrs.  Ketchum  senior  issued 
from  her  room  about  ten  the  next  morning,  whom 
should  she  meet  in  the  hall  but  the  baronet  in  a  state 
of  the  most  overflowing  energy  and  brilliant  good 
humor,  dressed  in  a  suit  of  striped  red-and-white 
"pajamas,"  having  on  his  head  a  paper  cap,  under  his 
arm  a  roll  of  designs,  and  in  his  mind  the  delightful 
intention  of  painting  the  ceiling  of  Mabel's  boudoir! 

"  Good-morning,  madam.  Here  we  are,"  he  said, 
shaking  his  box  of  paints  and  stencils  at  her.  "I  have 
improvised  a  scaffolding,  and  am  now  going  to  work 
>n  my  outlines.  I  planned  the  whole  thing  in  bed  last 
night,  and,  unless  I  am  much  mistaken,  we  are  going 
to  have  the  prettiest  boudoir  in  this  part  of  the  country. 
I  shall  do  a  panel  or  two  to  get  the  effect,  and  any 
workman  can  finish  it." 

"  But  can  you  do  it  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Ketchum,  amazed, 
but  inte\'ested. 

l-  You  shall  see      /  frescoed  the  chapel  on  my  place 


343  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

at  home,  and  I  may  say  there  have  been  worse  pieces 
of  work,"  replied  Sir  Kohert,  descending  the  stairs  ae 
he  spoke,  eager  to  get  to  work. 

"  Is  he  raving  crazy,  Mabel  ?  What  on  earth  has  he 
got  on  ?  He  isn't  respectable.  I  declare  to  goodness,  he 
has  set  my  heart  beating  so  I  shan't  get  over  it  all  day,'1 
said  the  startled  lady  to  her  daughter-in-law,  whn 
joined  her  just  then. 

"  Oh,  for  shame,  ma,  to  give  yourself  away  like  that  I 
Fashionable  men  wear  those  costumes  altogether  now," 
said  Mr.  Ketchum,  coming  up.  "  You  see,  Daisy,  that 
if  I  shocked  him  beyond  expression  yesterday  morning, 
as  you  said  I  should,  he  has  horrified  me  to  death  to 
day  :  so  I  guess  we  are  quits.  Come  along :  let's  go 
down  to  see  the  trapeze-performance." 

Down  they  went,  and,  meeting  Mr.  Ramsay,  who  was 
coming  up,  Job  stopped  a  moment  to  tell  him  to  take 
out  any  of  the  horses  that  he  fancied.  "  Take  the  pie 
balds,"  said  he,  "  if  you'd  like  to  have  a  drive,  and  take 
some  nice  girl — Miss  Ethel  or  Bijou  Brown — for  a  two- 
forty  shine." 

"  Thanks  awfully,"  said  Mr.  Eamsay.  "  But  I  think 
E  had  better — that  is,  I  had  rather  ask  Heathcote." 

"  You  are  horribly  welcome,  but  I  don't  think  much 
of  your  taste,"  replied  Mr.  Ketchum,  not  understanding 
what  a  proposition  he  had  made. 

•  In  the  lower  hall  they  found  the  eminent  divine,  irre 
proachably  clerical  and  dignified,  and  Captain  Kendall, 
just  arrived.  Sir  Robert,  hearing  voices,  came  out, 
brush  in  hand,  to  welcome  them,  producing  quite  as 
great  an  impression  on  them  as  on  Mrs.  Ketchum.  "  J 
belong  to  the  working- classes  now.  Just  you  come  here 


0^   THIS  SIDE.  349 

and  see  how  the  fine  arts  are  prospering  in  the  State  of 
Michigan,"  said  he,  and  led  them  into  the  boudoir 
where,  after  some  conversation,  he  nimbly  ran  up  a 
step-ladder,  laid  himself  out  on  the  scaffolding,  and, 
with  a  bold,  free  touch,  went  on  sketching  a  procession 
of  Cupids  which  was  to  go  around  the  base  of  the  small 
dome,  talking  all  the  while  with  the  utmost  animation 
to  the  guests  below.  "  As  soon  as  I  get  in  this  fellow 
riding  a  dolphin,  I  shall  be  entirely  at  your  service," 
said  he.  "  No  considerations  of  respect  and  attachment 
to  the  Church  or  fear  of  the  Army  can  influence  me 
just  now." 

The  two  gentlemen  begged  that  he  would  go  on ;  the 
ladies  came  in,  and  together  they  passed  an  agreeable 
morning,.  Sir  Eobert  declaring  that  on  the  scaffold  he 
was  entitled  to  benefit  of  clergy,  and  begging  the  emi 
nent  divine  when  he  left  to  let  him  have  his  ghostly 
counsel  every  day  for  at  least  a  week.  In  spite  of  hia 
eminence,  this  gentleman  had  no  very  great  breadth  of 
view.  To  sit  about  on  boxes  and  window-seats,  pic 
nicking  in  an  empty  room,  while  the  stranger  upon 
whom  he  had  come  to  call  lay  above  him  in  red  paja 
mas,  painting  Cupids  on  the  ceiling,  was  to  his  mind 
monstrously  indecorous.  It  was  amusing  to  see  the 
dignified  way  in  which  he  took  the  pleasantries  of  the 
party ;  and  he  made  no  response  to  Sir  Robert's  fare 
well  overture  except  a  bow.  "  Your  guest  is  a  very  • 
entertaining  man,"  he  said  to  Mr.  Ketchum,  who  ac 
companied  him  to  the  hat-rack,  "  but  is  he  quite — quite 
— you  understand  ?" 

"  Perfectly  so,"  said  Job,  with  a  laugh.     "  Head  and 
heart  both  of  the  best,  as  you  will  find  out  when  you 

30 


350  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

know  him    better.     You   are   coming   back  to  dinner, 
ain't  you,  to  help  us  out  with  the  fatted  calf?" 

The  dinner  was  a  very  elegant  affair  of  twenty-five 
covers,  given  to  the  guests,  the  first  of  a  series  of  enter 
tainments  planned  in  their  honor.  All  the  notable 
people  of  the  neighborhood  were  represented  at  it. 
The  scandalized  divine  returned  to  partake  of  it,  and, 
seeing  Sir  Eobert  in  a  dress-suit,  dignified,  polished,  of 
preternatural  respectability,  not  to  say  distinction,  look 
ing  the  pillar  of  Church  and  State  that  he  was,  and 
talking  with  due  gravity  of  the  tariff,  free  trade,  and 
the  like  ponderous  subjects,  concluded  to  overlook  the 
mad  behavior  of  the  morning,  and,  joining  him,  gave 
him  a  long  account  of  the  Indian  missions  of  the 
Church.  Unconscious  of  having  done  anything  that 
might  be  regarded  as  eccentric,  Sir  Robert  was  all  affa 
bility,  soon  grew  interested,  asked  a  number  of  ques 
tions  as  to  the  death-rate  among  the  tribes,  the  preva 
lence  of  smallpox  and  cholera  among  them,  the  spread 
of  civilization,  confirmed  nomadism,  traces  of  Jewish 
rites,  and  so  on,  thanked  him  for  a  "  very  profitable 
half-hour,"  and  said  he  should  send  a  little  check  to  be 
applied  in  any  way  he  might  see  fit,  obliterating  thereby 
the  last  trace  of  the  previous  prejudice.  This,  indeed, 
was  replaced  by  something  very  like  enthusiasm  when 
there  came  next  day  a  slip  of  paper  representing  five 
Hundred  dollars,  also  a  note  from  the  donor,  saying  that 
ho  should  be  glad  to  know  that  some  portion  of  the 
sum  enclosed  had  gone  to  an  industrial  school,  if  any 
such  existed,  where  the  young  Indian  women  could 
learn  to  boil  a  potato  properly,  and  the  use  of  brooms 
and  pails  and  scrubbing-brushes.  "  You  must  first  clean 


(Xtf   THIS  SIDE.  351 

them  and  then  convert  them :  get  them  into  the  bath-tub, 
and  you  can  take  them  anywhere,"  said  Sir  Eobert,  with 
great  truth  and  perspicacity. 

"  One  doesn't  get  such  a  dinner,  except  at  a  few  great 
houses,  outside  of  London  or  Paris,"  Mrs.  Sykes  was 
pleased  to  say  when  it  was  over.  "  I  have  found  out 
that  almost  everything  was  ordered  from  New  York  ; 
and  a  pretty  penny  it  must  have  cost.  Not  that  this 
man  cares.  I  dare  say  he  is  only  too  glad  to  have  the 
chance  of  entertaining  me, — that  is,  us.  I  was  sent  in 
with  a  waspish  little  man  that  turned  suddenly  crusty 
on  my  hands  and  was  an  owl  for  the  rest  of  the  time ; 
but  I  was  rather  glad  to  be  able  to  devote  myself  to  my 
dinner  for  once." 

Mrs.  Sykes's  escort  had  "  turned  crusty"  because  that 
lady,  following  her  instinct  of  ingratiation,  had  said  to 
him,  "  All  the  gentry  of  this  country  are  in  the  South, 
aren't  they  ?  They  don't  live  about  here,  do  they  ?" — 
not  from  a  prejudice  in  favor  of  Southerners  at  all,  as 
was  proved  when  she  went  to  New  Orleans  later  and 
promptly  asked  the  first  acquaintance  she  made  whether 
all  the*  education  was  not  at  the  North. 

The  week  that  followed  was  a  very  gay  one,  the 
Ketchums'  friends  in  the  neighborhood  and  in  Kalsing 
being  most  intent  on  hospitable  thoughts  and  providing 
something  agreeable  in  the  shape  of  an  entertainment 
for  every  night.  Every  moment  of  the  day,  too,  of 
every  day  was  filled  up.  It  seemed  to  Mrs.  Ketchum 
that' "those  English  people,"  as  she  called  them,  were 
never  idle,  and  had  discovered  the  secret  of  perpetual 
motion. 
Sir  Eobert  hud  the  boudoir,  to  which  he  devoted  ex- 


35*5  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

actly  two  hours  after  breakfast.  He  had  a  geological 
chart  of  America,  with  what  he  felt  to  be  melancholy 
blanks  for  the  chalk  and  oolite  beds  of  his  own  county 
and  appropriate  fossils  indicated  by  an  index-finger  in 
red  ink.  He  had  the  Poor-Law  and  electoral  systems 
to  master,  as  well  as  the  prison  systems  of  the  different 
States.  He  had  to  prove  that  the  Mound-Builders  and 
the  race  that  built  the  buried  cities  of  Central  America 
were  one  and  the  same.  He  had  innumerable  questions, 
political,  social,  agricultural,  pressing  upon  him,  from  the 
history  of  spiritualism,  the  purity  of  the  ballot,  and  the 
McCormack  reaper,  down  to  certain  expressions  that 
immensely  struck  and  pleased  him,  which  had  to  be 
entered  in  the  diary  as  "unconscious  poetry  of  tho 
Westerners," — such  phrases  as  "  the  fall"  (of  the  leaf), 
"  morning-glories,"  "  dancing  like  a  breeze,"  "  Daphnes" 
(instead  of  laurels),  and  many  more,  which  he  hoped 
would  be  "  permanently  engrafted  on  the  mother- 
tongue."  There  were  other  entries  to  be  made, — "  cus 
toms  of  the  Westerners,"  their  "descent,"  "taxation," 
•'  climate"  (as  affected  by  the  Great  Lakes),  "  popula 
tion  in  1900,"  and  so  on.  There  were  books,  books, 
books,  to  be  read,  referred  to,  ordered.  There  was  even 
a  little  taxidermy  to  be  done,  and  the  "  native  birds"  to 
be  first  sought,  then  bought,  then  prepared,  and  packed 
to  be  sent  back  to  England.  The  others,  if  not  quite 
so  busy,  were  anything  but  idle.  Miss  Noel  walked  her 
five  miles  a  day.  She  was  out  sketching  for  hours 
under  her  umbrella,  no  matter  what  the  weather*  was, 
and  only  said,  "  Thank  you  for  your  kind  concern,  but 
[  am  quite  equal  to  it,"  when  Mrs.  Ketchum,  astonished 
to  see  a  woman  of  her  own  age  enduring  such  fatigue 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  353 

and  running  such  risks,  undertook  to  remonstrate  with 
her.  "  One  must  get  one's  constitutional,  you  know, 
and  one  must  not  mind  a  drop  or  two.  There  has  been 
no  really  bad  weather  yet, — nothing  to  keep  one  in 
doors,  at  least."  If  she  stayed  in-doors,  she  and  Mrs. 
Sykes  (when  the  latter  was  not  scouring  the  country  on 
foot  or  horseback)  interested  themselves  in  their  plants, 
minerals,  seeds,  drawings,  the  herbarium,  the  Ward 
case,  the  diaries  and  letters  and  fancy-work,  the  beauti 
ful  collection  of  sea- weed  sent  by  Miss  Marlow  from  New 
England,  and  a  dozen  things  besides.  Mr.  Heathcote, 
meanwhile,  was  walking,  and  riding,  and  visiting,  and, 
above  all,  photographing.  He  got  a  small  covered  cart, 
into  which  he  would  put  his  photographic  apparatus 
and  go  the  rounds  of  the  country-side  alone,  getting  his 
luncheon  as  he  could,  and  coming  back  late  in  the  even 
ing,  flushed  with  heat  and  victory,  bringing  amusing 
accounts  of  his  experiences,  a  bouquet  as  of  an  apothe 
cary-shop,  and  "proofs'"  of  "a  lane, — quite  an  English- 
looking  lane,"  "  a  dog  on  the  chain,"  "  rear  view  of  an 
American  public"  (house),  "  Saint  Lieuk's  Church"  (five 
different  aspects),  "  what  the  natives  call  an  '  ash-hop 
per,' — came  out  beautifully,"  "  children  among  the  hay- 
cocks, — very  indistinct,"  "  squatter's  hut  on  the  edge  of 
a  common,"  "  Western  American  farm-house,"  "  negro 
dust-man,"  "village  beauty,"  and  many  others.  He 
was  much  complimented  upon  them  all  by  Mr.  Ket- 
chum,  who  enjoyed  the  whole  collection  and  made 
comments  and  suggestions  of  the  most  delightful  kind. 
Mr.  Heathcote  looked  infinitely  pleased  and  flattered 
when  told  by  him  that  they  had  "  a  cold,  professional 
air,"  and  asked  for  copies  of  some  of  them,  after  which 
x  30* 


«J54  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

he  was  eclipsed  behind  his  black  cloth  and  instrument 
for  two  days,  had  his  room  darkened  to  a  Cimmerian 
pitch,  worked  very  diligently,  and  presented  the  fruits 
of  his  labors  to  his  host  with  the  modest  depreciation 
but  secret  delight  of  the  artist,  smiling  indulgently  at 
Mr.  Eamsay,  with  his,  "  I  say,  old  chappy,  what  an  out- 
and-out  swell  you  are  at  it,  to  be  sure !  You  must  do 
the  horses."  Thus  encouraged,  Mr.  Heathcote  did  the 
horses,  the  house,  the  family  grouped  inside  and  outside, 
Master  Jared  Ponsonby,  Hannibal  Hamlin,  Master  Bobo 
and  Miss  Blanche,  the  poultry,  and  (aided  by  mirrors) 
himself  in  almost  every  dress  and  attitude  which  it  is 
possible  for  a  man  to  assume.  He  must  have  spent  a 
small  fortune  in  chemicals  alone,  and  all  his  talk  was  of 
light  and  shadow,  background,  draperies,  foreground, 
plates,  and  proofs  ;  every  table  was  strewn  with  photo 
graphs,  finished  and  not  finished,  mounted,  or  curled  up 
like  paper  crumpets. 

Mr.  Ramsay,  too,  had  his  little  diversions,  not  pre 
cisely  scientific,  but  amusing.  He  was  in  and  out  of 
the  stables  all  day  long,  and  was  loved  by  every  animal 
on  the  place.  Such  long-suffering  and  good  nature 
Master  Ketchum  had  never  seen,  except  in  Fraulein 
Schmidt ;  and  then  the  strength,  the  resources,  the  con 
versation  of  his  new  friend  enchanted  the  child,  who 
followed  him  about,  perched  on  his  shoulder,  played 
games  with  him,  and  had  to  be  carried  away  from  him 
struggling  by  his  nurse.  Mr.  Ramsay  had  other  occu 
pations  :  he  rode,  he  fished,  he  cleaned  his  guns,  he  got 
over  leagues  and  leagues  of  ground,  he  killed  several 
snakes  and  captured  scores  of  insects.  He  caught 
dozens  of  tree-frogs,  for  one  thing,  and  shut  them  all 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  355 

up  together  in  the  drawing-room  coal-scuttle,  where  he 
peeped  at  them  from  time  to  time,  well  satisfied.  Ho 
played  little  tunes  on  his  chin,  asked  conundrums, 
showed  Job  a  great  many  tricks  at  cards,  and  two 
French  puzzles  (saying,  "Those  French  beggars  are 
awfully  sharp  at  that  kind  of  thing,  you  know") ;  he 
played  "  God  Save  the  Queen"  with  one  finger  on  the 
piano,  held  skeins  of  wool  for  the  ladies,  shut  doors,  got 
shawls,  and  really  need  have  done  none  of  these  ardu 
ous  duties,  for  in  looking  so  handsome  and  so  jolly  from 
Monday  morning  until  Saturday  night  he  contributed 
his  quota  toward  the  carrying  on  of  society,  and  all 
beside  were  works  of  supererogation.  When  these 
palled  upon  him  a  little,  one  morning,  as  was  shown  by 
his  picking  up  a  book,  he  looked  very  unhappy  for  ten 
minutes,  and  then,  making  a  pass  at  his  face  with  one 
of  his  beautiful  hands,  he  cried  out,  "  No  fellow  can  read 
badgered  like  this.  There's  a  regular  brute  of  a  fly 
that  has  been  lighting  on  my  nose  every  half-second 
since  I  sat  down,"  closed  the  book,  smiled,  and  said,  "  I 
may  as  well  call  upon  Mr.  Brown  while  I  have  time," 
and  took  himself  off.  This  happened  on  the  ninth  day 
after  his  arrival,  and  with  it  began  a  new  era  in  his  ex 
istence.  He  not  only  went  to  Mr.  Brown's  that  day, 
but  the  next,  and  the  day  after  that.  In  short,  he  had 
found  an  amusement  best  expressed  in  the  French 
equivalent  distraction.  He  rode  with  Bijou,  and  re 
ported  to  Mr.  Heathcote  that  she  was  "  a  clinker  at  her 
fences,  and  went  at  them  as  straight  as  an  English  girl." 
He  taught  her  a  good  deal  about  the  management  of 
her  reins  and  animal,  and  admitted  that  she  was  "a 
plucky  one."  If  she  had  only  consented  to  get  an  Eng- 


356  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

lish  saddle  (which,  she  declined  to  do,  with  one  of  hei 
customary  exaggerations,  saying  that  she  "  didn't  want 
a  thousand  pommels"),  to  rise  in  that  saddle,  and  to 
have  the  tail  of  her  horse  cropped  properly,  he  would 
have  been  quite  happy.  As  it  was,  he  acknowledged 
that  in  her  own  fashion  she  was  a  most  graceful  and 
fearless  horsewoman,  and  approved  of  her  accordingly. 
It  soon  struck  him  that  she  did  other  things  well.  Used 
to  the  reserved  and  rather  constrained  manner  of  most 
English  girls,  he  found  a  great  charm  in  her  bright 
gayety,  her  frank  cordiality,  the  good-humored  com 
radeship  and  absence  of  stiffness,  untainted  by  vulgarity. 
For,  although  Bijou  was  not  high-bred,  distinguished, 
or  clever,  she  was  a  girl  of  real  refinement,  and  he  had 
the  wit  to  see  it.  Her  merry  tongue  and  generous  and 
affectionate  heart,  neither  chilled  nor  hardened  yet  by 
contact  with  the  world,  were  very  attractive,  and  it  is 
just  possible  that  he  felt  the  influence  of  her  piquantly- 
pretty  face.  At  any  rate,  he  had  found  a  great  number 
of  imperative  reasons  for  going  to  Brown's,  when  one 
morning,  as  he  was  opening  the  little  wicket-gate  that 
admitted  him  to  their  croquet-field,  he  saw  something 
that  gave  him  an  unpleasant  shock.  It  was  a  buggy  in 
front  of  the  door,  in  which  sat  Bijou,  charmingly  ar 
rayed,  smiling  upon  a  gentleman  who  had  just  helped 
her  in  and  was  only  deterred  from  taking  the  seat  wait 
ing  for  him  by  her  calling  out,  "  Stop,  till  I  fix  my  skirts 
and  put  up  my  parasol,"  the  gentleman  being  his  cousin, 
Mr.  Edward  Plummer,  alias  Drummond.  The  sight  of 
Mr.  Plummer  enraged  him.  Bijou's  cheerful  air  did  not 
improve  matters,  and  for  the  first  time  he  felt  irritated 
at  her  American  speech  and  accent.  "  '  Fix  my  skirts,' " 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  357 

he  quoted  discontentedly,  as  he  watched  them  drive  off, 
and  then,  after  a  moment's  indecision,  he  stalked  angrily 
up  to  the  front  door,  pulled  the  bell  fiercely,  and  asked 
to  see  Mr.  Brown.  He  was  almost  immediately  ushered 
into  the  library,  where  Mr.  Brown  was  sitting. 

"  Good-morning,  sir.  I  am  glad  to  see  you.  I  am 
sorry  to  say  that  Bijou  is  out.  She  has  gone  driving 
with  our  guest:  an  English  guest,  by  the  way, — Mr. 
Drummond.  He  oame  on  with  us  from  New  York,  and 
has  been  here  ever  since,  except  the  last  two  weeks 
which  he  has  spent  in  Chicago,"  said  Mr.  Brown. 

"  That's  what  I've  come  about,"  blurted  out  Mr. 
Ramsay,  the  moment  there  was  a  pause.  "  His  name 
isn't  Drummond  at  all :  it  is  Plummer.  And  he  isn't  fit 
to  be  a  guest  in  any  decent  house,  and  I've  come  to  tell 
you  so  and  have  you  give  him  the  sack  and  put  him  to 
the  door  at  once.  Excuse  me  meddling,  but  you  have 
been  very  kind  to  me  and  received  me  most  hospitably, 
and  I  am  not  going  to  see  you  taken  in  by  a  rascal  and 
a  blackguard." 

Mr.  Brown  was  shocked,  but  did  not  show  it.  He 
prided  himself  on  being  very  logical  and  dispassionate 
and  judicial,  and  was  privately  convinced  that  he  would 
have  greatly  adorned  the  legal  profession  if  Pate  had 
been  kinder.  Besides,  Mr.  Drummond  was  his  guest 
and  there  by  his  invitation,  which  to  his  mind  was 
strong  presumptive  proof  that  Mr.  Ramsay's  charges 
were  without  foundation.  "  Grave  accusations  these, 
Mr.  Ramsay, — very  grave  accusations.  I  trust  you  are 
making  them  upon  some  better  grounds  than  mere  per 
sonal  prejudice  or  idle  rumor,  if  you  expect  me  to  bo- 
them.  Not  that  I  mean  any  discourtesy  to  you. 


358  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

sir,  in  saying  this,"  he  said,  in  his  roundest,  most  im 
pressive  tones. 

"  "What  do  you  mean  ?  The  fellow  was  sent  to  Cov 
entry  by  his  regiment  and  forced  to  resign,  his  father 
has  cut  him  off  with  a  shillin',  he  can't  show  his  face  in 
London,  and  he  has  been  kicked  out  of  his  club  for 
keepin'  too  many  aces  up  his  sleeve.  I  should  think 
that  was  grounds  enough  for  an  accusation.  Do  you 
suppose  I  go  about  inventin*  lies  to  take  away  other 
people's  characters  ?"  said  Mr.  Kamsay  excitedly. 

"Do  not  exaggerate.  Be  calm;  be  reasonable,"  said 
Mr.  Brown.  "  Observe,  I  do  not  accuse  you  of  wilful 
misrepresentation,  but  of  misapprehension,  perhaps  of 
prejudice.  There  is  a  difference.  Note  it,  and  do  not 
take  offence,  my  young  friend,  too  readily." 

"  I  am  not  offended,  but  what  I  say  is  true,  and  I 
hope  you  will  act  upon  it,  so  that  Miss  Brown  shall  not 
go  out  ridin'  round  the  country  with  that — "  began  Mr. 
Eamsay,  only  to  be  interrupted  by — 

"No  violence;  no  excitement.  Let  us  look  at  the 
thing  rationally,"  from  Mr.  Brown.  "  Mr.  Drummond 
is  my  guest, — my  guest,  remember ;  introduced  to  me 
by  one  of  the  first  men  in  New  York ;  received  every 
where.  You  are  both  strangers  to  me.  This  is  a  matter 
of  purely  individual  testimony,"  Mr.  Brown  went  on, 
feeling  that  he  was  growing  exquisitely  subtile,  and 
clothing  himself  in  imaginary  ermine  as  he  spoke. 
"  He  may  tell  me  that  you  are  a  rascal.  In  that  event, 
how  am  I  to  know  who  is  the  honest  man  and  who  the 
villain  ?  Shall  I  believe  you,  or  shall  I  believe  him,  in 
the  absence  of  documentary  evidence  and  disinterested 
statement?  As  my  guest,  he  has,  if  anything,  the 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  359 

prior  claim  to  consideration;  though  I  am  far  from 
saying  that  whatever  views  you  may  advance  will  not 
have  equal  weight  with  me, — as  views,  mark  you." 

"You  can  believe  who  you  please  and  what  you 
please,"  said  Mr.  Ramsay ;  "  but  remember  that  I  have 
given  you  warnin'.  He  may  be  your  guest,  but  he  is 
my  cousin,  and  I  should  think  that  I  ought  to  know 
what  I  am  talkin'  about.  There  is  no  necessity  for  me 
stay  in'  any  longer." 

He  rose  to  go,  but  Mr.  Brown  stopped  him  by  a 
gesture.  "A  cousin!"  he  exclaimed.  "Do  not  excite 
yourself;  be  calm.  On  the  face  of  it,  that  would  seem 
conclusive;  but  appearances  are  notoriously  deceitful. 
Will  you  assure  me  on  your  honor  that  there  is  no 
motive,  no  family  feud,  at  the  bottom  of  this  ?  Cousins 
do  not  go  about  the  world  denouncing  each  other — as  a 
rule.  Family  pride,  affection,  a  thousand  things,  prevent 
them  from  making  such  things  public ;  but  still  it  is  not 
impossible.  I  do  not  say  that  it  is  impossible ;  only  im 
probable, — very  improbable.  Give  me  your  word,  though, 
that  there  is  no  motive, — we  must  always  look  for  a 
motive  in  these  cases, — and  I  will  promise  to  give  the 
matter  full  and  impartial  investigation." 

"I'll  do  nothin'  of  the  sort.  I  will  bid  you  good- 
morning,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Ramsay,  reaching  out  im 
petuously  for  his  hat. 

"You  have  meant  well,  perhaps.  I  am  obliged  to 
3^ou,  if  such  be  the  case.  I  will  bear  what  you  have 
said  in  mind,  and  let  you  know  my  decision,"  said  Mr. 
Brown,  delivering  a  verdict  from  the  bench. 

"  Just  as  you  please,"  replied  Mr.  Ramsay  haughtily  • 
and  so  they  parted. 


;}60  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Left  to  himself,  however,  Mr.  Brown  ceased  to  be 
judicial,  and  became  practical.  He  recalled,  as  he  sat 
there,  a  number  of  circumstances  that  had  not  impressed 
him  favorably  in  connection  with  his  guest.  Mr.  Drum- 
mond  had  borrowed  a  considerable  sum  of  him,  on  the 
ground  of  delayed  remittances.  Mr.  Drummond  had 
filled  his  pockets  with  his  host's  Havanas  in  the  most 
scandalous  fashion,  yet  never  had  a  cigar.  Mr.  Drum 
mond  had  done  a  number  of  ill-bred  things  that  he  had 
not  liked, — such  as  ordering  the  carriage  to  be  got  ready 
on  his  own  responsibility,  lending  valuable  books  with 
out  so  much  as  asking  permission,  and  the  like.  The 
longer  Mr.  Brown  thought  of  the  late  interview,  the 
more  uneasy  he  felt.  The  paper  had  dropped  from  his 
hand,  and  he  was  still  deep  in  his  uncomfortable  medita 
tions,  when  the  door  opened,  and  his  daughter  ran  to 
him  and  threw  herself  into  his  arms,  crying  hysterically, 
"Oh,  popper,  popper!  Oh!  oh!  oh!" 

We  will  extricate  the  story  of  what  had  happened 
from  the  sobs  and  interruptions  to  which  Mr.  Brown 
had  to  submit,  and  preface  it  with  some  account  of  the 
relations  between  Bijou  and  Mr.  Drummond-Plummer 
or  Plummer-Drummond. 

They  had  met  in  New  York  the  previous  winter, 
where  Mr.  Drummond  had  suddenly  appeared,  put  up 
at  a  fashionable  hotel,  and,  with  no  other  credentials 
than  his  handsome  person,  good  manners,  and  bold 
assertions  that  he  was  related  to  certain  great  people 
in  England,  had  been  accepted  in  society  with  that 
beautiful  faith  and  charity  that  believeth  all  things  an 
Englishman  of  supposed  position  may  choose  to  say  of 
himself,  in  spite  of  much  disastrous  experience  of 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  361 

foreign  adventurers  both  painful  and  ludicrous.  At 
tracted  by  Bijou,  he  promptly  satisfied  himself  of  the 
stability  and  reality  of  her  father's  fortune,  and  began 
to  lay  siege  to  her  hand :  about  her  heart  he  gave  him 
self  small  concern.  Now,  Bijou  was  a  Western  belle, 
and  was  in  the  habit  of  receiving  any  amount  of 
attention.  At  seventeen  a  famous  racer  and  a  steam 
boat  had  already  been  named  for  her.  The  local  news 
papers  chronicled  her  toilets  and  triumphs.  Her  little 
sitting-room  was  a  sentimental  hall  of  Eblis,  full  of 
shapes  with  hearts  that  were  one  burning  coal,  bright 
with  the  sacred  flame.  She  had  a  large  album  which 
she  called  her  "  him-book,"  because  it  contained  nothing, 
but  the  photographs  of  her  admirers.  She  had  hats, 
and  bats,  and  caps,  and  whips,  and  cravats,  and  oars, 
and  canes  disposed  about  it  tastefully,  souvenirs  of 
various  persons,  times,  and  places,  and  talked  of  the 
original  owners  in  a  way  that  made  Ethel's  blue  eyes 
open  their  widest  when  she  came  to  be  admitted  there, 
that  decorous  young  person  not  being  used,  as  she 
frankly  said,  to  hearing  "a  person  of  the  opposite  sex" 
called  "a  perfect!}7  lovely  fellow,"  and  his  nose  pro 
nounced  "  a  dream,"  though  not  in  the  sense  of  its 
being  broken  or  disjointed. 

"Why,  you  wouldn't  have  me  call  you  a  lovely 
fellow,  would  you?"  said  Bijou  laughingly,  as  she 
tripped  about  doing  the  honors  of  her  den; — showing 
locks  of  hair  (of  which  she  had  almost  enough  to  stuff 
a  sofa-cushion),  dry  bouquets  of  vast  dimensions,  little 
gifts  she  had  received,  verses  and  valentines  that  she 
thought  "perfectly  splendid"  or  "too  utterly  killing 
.for  anything,"  and  bundle  after  bundle  of  letters, — the 
Q  31 


362  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

adorers'  letters,  all  of  them,  written  from  all  parts  of 
the  country,  in  every  style.  She  read  Ethel  choice 
passages  from  them  with  great  glee,  and  gave  spirited 
sketches  of  her  correspondents ;  how  she  had  met  them 
at  Saratoga,  Mt.  Desert,  "  and  pretty  much  every  place ;" 
how  she  had  danced,  flirted,  walked,  driven,  sailed, 
"  crabbed,"  read,  sung,  talked  with  them,  apparently 
without  either  fear  or  reproach ;  and  of  their  appear 
ance,  dress,  character,  position,  prospects, — a  full,  if  not 
perfectly  complete,  history  of  her  relations  with  them 
that  almost  made  Ethel's  lower  jaw  drop  as  she  listened. 
There  was  no  mention  of  mother,  aunt,  governess,  or 
.maid  throughout.  Bijou  had  gone  away  from  home 
with  friends  who  had  let  her  amuse  herself  in  her  own 
fashion;  and  at  home  she  was  what  De  Tocqueville 
has  pronounced  "the  freest  thing  in  the  world, — an 
American  girl  in  her  father's  house."  Yet  it  was  a 
liberty  that  was  worlds  removed  from  license.  Undis 
ciplined  she  was,  impulsive,  indulged  beyond  all  Euro 
pean  conceptions,  but,  in  spite  of  a  good  deal  of  innocent 
coquetry  and  vanity,  effervescing  in  some  foolish  ways 
very  pardonable  in  a  motherless  girl,  and  of  which  a 
great  deal  too  much  has  been  made  in  discussing 
American  girls,  there  was  never  one  of  any  nation 
more  pure-hearted  and  womanly.  Her  worst  devia 
tions  from  rigidly  conventional  standards  were  better 
than  the  best  behavior  of  some  very  nice  people,  as 
Swift  defines  them. — "Nice  people:  people  who  are 
always  thinking  of  and  looking  out  for  nasty  things." 
Different  training  would  have  improved  her.  just  as  a 
hot-house  rose  is  more  perfect  than  the  wild  one;  but 
she,  too,  was  pink-petalled,  had  a  heart  of  gold,  and 


(XV  THIS  SIDE.  363 

was  full  of  lovely,  fragrant  qualities,  like  the  English 
variety  near  her. 

"  You  correspond  with  twelve  men !  Good  heavens !" 
exclaimed  Ethel,  when  these  open  secrets  had  been  re 
vealed  to  her.  "  Don't  tell  auntie  of  it,  I  beg.  She  will 
— will  misunderstand,  I  fear,  and  think  it  dreadful,  and 
perhaps  prevent  me  being  here  so  much.  It  is  not  at 
all  in  accord  with  English  ideas,  you  know,  dear;  and 
auntie  is  rather  stricter  than  moat,  even  there." 

"  Not  tell !  Why  not  ?"  asked  Bijou.  "  What  is  there 
to  shock  her  ?  She  must  be  easily  shocked.  I  have  got 
nothing  to  be  ashamed  of;  and  I  shall  tell  the  old  dear 
to-morrow." 

"  Does  your  father  know  it  ?"  said  Ethel. 

"Why,  of  course  he  does,"  replied  Bijou  impatiently, 
"  I  generally  read  him  the  letters,  and  he  laughs  fit  to 
kill  himself  over  some  of  them.  Popper  don't  care  one 
bit.  He  says  I  am  old  enough  to  paddle  my  own  canoe ; 
and  so  I  am.  And  he  knows  I  don't  care  a  pin  about 
any  of  them.  It's  great  fun  until  you  get  tired  of  it. 
I  am  tired  of  it  now,  rather.  I  used  to  write  to  twenty ; 
but  it  has  dwindled  down  to  twelve,  and  I'm  going  to 
drop  two  of  those,  because  they  are  in  the  army  and 
are  both  stationed  at  the  same  post.  You  see,  it  is  too 
much  trouble  to  write  different  letters  to  each  one,  so  I 
get  up  one  bright,  smart  one  that  suits  all  around,  and 
copy  it  for  them  all,  with  some  changes." 

This  speech  almost  stunned  Ethel  for  a  while.  "  But 
doesn't  it  vex  them  very  much  to  get  such  letters? 
What  if  they  should  find  it  out  ?  And  if  you  don't  at 
all  care  for  them,  why  do  it  at  all  ?" 

"  Why,  for  the  fun  of  the   thing,  goosie.     Angry  ? 


364  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

No.  They  do  the  same  thing  themselves.  "Will  Piper 
sent  Kate  Price  and  me  letters  that  were  exactly  the 
same,  word  for  word^  we  compared  them.  That  is 
where  I  got  the  idea.  Splendid  one,  isn't  it  ?  I  aro 
just  bent  and  determined  on  having  stacks  of  fun  before 
I  am  married,  because  after  that,  you  know,  I  shall  be 
laid  on  the  shelf  completely,"  said  Bijou. 

"  But  why  should  you  be  '  laid  on  the  shelf  ?  I  can't 
make  it  out.  Your  life  will  be  just  beginning,"  said 
Ethel. 

"  Well,  because  what  is  so  is  so,"  replied  Bijou,  show 
ing  her  some  patterns  for  slippers,  watch-pockets,  to 
bacco-pouches,  and  so  on,  that  she  meant  to  work  up 
for  birthdays,  anniversaries,  Christmas,  "  philopcenas," 
and  other  festive  occasions,  as  presents  for  the  adorers. 

It  is  perhaps  clearer  now  why  Bijou  laid  no  stress 
whatever  on  Mr.  Drummond's  attentions,  while  she 
seemed  to  him  to  bfr  receiving  them  with  marked  favor. 
When,  on  their  leaving  New  York,  Mr.  Brown  had 
asked  him  to  go  home  with  them  and  spend  a  month, 
he  looked  upon  the  prize  as  won.  Before  going  to 
Chicago  he  had  shown  this  so  plainly  that  Bijou  had 
snubbed  him  roundly, — a  course  so  foreign  to  her  amia 
ble  nature  and  hospitable  creed  that  on  his  return  she  had 
received  him  with  a  kindness  that  had  revived  all  his 
hopes, — or  rather  designs.  He  utterly  misunderstood 
it,  and  easily  persuaded  himself  that  he  was  practically 
irresistible.  The  drive  of  that  afternoon  had  been 
planned  by  him  that  he  might  ask  the  fateful  question. 
He  had  asked  it,  and,  presumptuously  taking  her  answer 
for  granted,  had  slipped  an  arm  about  her  waist,  when, 
to  his  great  surprise,  he  had  found  himself  half  ordered, 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  365 

half  pushed  out  of  the  buggy  immediately,  after  which 
Bijou,  transported  by  fury,  had  laid  the  whip  once 
smartly  across  his  shoulders  and  driven  away  at  a  gal 
lop,  leaving  him  standing  in  the  middle  of  the  road,  an 
angry  man. 

She  went  home,  as  we  have  seen,  and  told  her  father, 
who  was  distinctly  excited  on  hearing  it,  ordered  Mr. 
Drummond's  effects  to  be  packed  and  sent  to  the  hotel 
in  Kalsing  at  once,  forbade  her  ever  taking  another 
drive  with  a  stranger  "  the  longest  day  she  lived,"  and 
would  certainly  have  caned  the  offender  with  unparlia 
mentary  fervor,  instead  of  being  "  reasonable"  and  let 
ting  the  affair  drop,  had  he  known  where  to  find  him. 

What  Mr.  Drummond  did  was  to  walk  into  Kalsing 
and  put  up  at  a  boarding-house  there,  where  he  spent 
the  evening  glowering  into  vacancy  blackly  enough, 
and  showed  his  high  breeding  and  respect  for  the  other 
boarders  by  taking  off  his  shoes  in  the  parlor  and  sitting 
with  his  stockinged  feet  propped  up  on  a  chair  in  front 
of  him  while  he  gave  himself  up  to  his  reflections, — 
bitter  thoughts  of  the  past  in  which  he  had  been  an 
English  gentleman,  desperate  plans  for  his  future  as  a 
chevalier  d'industrie,  fierce  abuse  of  Americans  in  general 
and  the  Browns  in  particular,  culminating  in  a  fixed 
resolve  to  leave  "  this  beastly  hole"  next  day ;  which 
was  happily  carried  out. 

Mr.  Eamsay,  offended,  held  aloof  for  a  little  while; 
but,  getting  a  note  from  Mr.  Brown  couched  in  few 
words,  and  those  to  the  effect  that  his  warning  had  been 
acted  on  and  Mr.  Drummond  dismissed,  he  called  next 
day  at  the  house,  assured  Mr.  Brown  with  earnestness 
that  his  cousin  was  "  a  precious  rascal,"  gave  some  par- 

81* 


366  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

ticulars  of  his  shady  career,  and  took  up  the  threads  of 
his  intimacy  again,  unvexed  by  any  such  ideas  as  that 
he  was  at  all  responsible  for  or  could  be  affected  by  hia 
kinsman's  disreputable  behavior.    Mr.  Brown  concealed 
from  him  that  he  had  lost  some  money  by  Mr.  Drum- 
mond.    Bijou  imagined  that  he  must  be  "  feeling  dread 
fully  about  it,"  and  took  great  pains  not  to  say  anything 
that  could  wound  his  imaginary  susceptibilities  as  the 
relative  of  a  mauvais  sujet.     But  the  simple  truth  was 
that,  once  assured   that   respectable  people  were   not 
being  deluded  or  cheated  by  his  cousin,  Mr.  Ramsay 
had  no  further  sensitiveness  on  the  subject.    The  Browns 
kept  what  he  had  told  them  even  from  the  Retch  urns, 
only  to  hear  him  announce  in  all  assemblies  that  a 
cousin  of  his  was  "  goin'  about  over  here, — an  awful 
swindler  and  '  leg,' — and  that  the  best  thing  people  could 
do  would  be  to  give  him  the  widest  sort  of  berth  until  he 
got  himself  into  the  penitentiary,  as  he  certainly  would, 
— at  least  it  was  quite  on  the  cards,"  smiling  in  cheerful 
enjoyment   of  the   possibility.      Entertainments   were 
going  on  all  the  while  in  the  neighborhood,  and  he  had 
ample  opportunities  of  advertising  the  fact,  all  of  which 
he  improved,  while  a  puzzled  audience  knew  not  what 
to  make  of  so  novel  a  situation,  and  were  sorely  put  to 
it  for  suitable  replies  as  they  stared  at  an  Adonis  in 
Poole-cut  clothes  who  sat  and  looked  alternately  at  them 
and  his  patent-leather  court  pumps  and  gay  silk  socks 
while  he  affably  denounced   his  father's  nephew  and 
"  hoped  the  blackguard  was  goin'  to  New  Orleans  and 
would  get  the  yellow  fever  there,  which  was  beginnin' 
to  be  had  over  from  the  Havana." 

This  last  speech  was  made  at  a  dinner-party  which 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  367 

Mr.  Ketch  urn's  partner  Mr.  Eichardson  had  felt  called 
upon  to  give  in  honor  of  the  English  guests,  and  was 
almost  the  only  amusing  feature  of  the  evening  to  Job. 
The  Richardsons'  house  was  one  of  those  in  which  every 
thing  is  provided  on  such  occasions  except  amusement. 
When  their  invitation  came,  Job  said  to  his  wife,  "  I 
wish  we  could  get  out  of  going ;  but  we  can't.  I  don't 
know  what  is  the  matter  with  that  house.  It  is  one 
of  the  handsomest  in  the  city,  elegantly  furnished ;  they 
always  have  a  crowd  of  people  at  their  entertainments, 
some  of  them  delightful  people  to  meet  anywhere  else, 
but  somehow  there  seems  a  kind  of  pall  draped  above 
the  front  door  that  drops  down  behind  you  when  you 
enter  and  never  lifts  till  you  leave.  Mrs.  Richardson 
puts  on  all  her  war-paint  and  feathers  and  goes  ai'ound 
all  the  evening  anxiously  trying  to  make  the  thing 
go  off,  and  it  gets  worse  and  worse  every  moment,  so 
dull  and  stupid  that  you  can  hardly  keep  awake  and 
not  quite  quiet  enough  for  a  good  nap.  Richardson 
buys  everything  that  is  to  be  had,  and  then  sits  around 
and  looks  as  though  he  had  a  note  to  meet  in  bank  and 
no  money  to  do  it  with.  Altogether,  it  is  about  as  lively 
as  a  water-tank  on  the  Pacific  Railroad  after  the  train 
has  gone.  But  it  won't  do  to  hurt  their  feelings :  we 
have  got  to  go." 

So  they  did,  and  it  was  stiff  and  formal  beyond  even 
his  expectation.  The  dinner  was  interminably  long, 
over-elaborate,  and  slowly  served.  They  were  all 
sent  in  with  the  wrong  people.  The  conversation  all 
but  died  again  and  again.  Sir  Robert  was  afflicted 
by  a  deaf  man,  who  shrieked,  "Ha-ow?"  and  "What 
say?"  at  him  with  brief  intervals  all  during  the  meal. 


368  OAT  BOTH  SIDES. 

.  Mabel  shrank  into  herself,  and  only  ventured  on  a  few 
trite  remarks.  Mr.  Ketchum's  liveliness  utterly  evap 
orated  after  the  first  ten  minutes.  It  was  quite  ghastly, 
and  the  move  back  to  the  drawing-room  was  a  most 
blessed  relief.  Mrs.  Sykes  had  made  no  effort  to  lighten 
the  tedium  of  the  dinner,  and  no  sooner  found  it  at  an 
end  than  she  lolled  back  indifferently  on  the  sofa,  and, 
picking  up  a  book,  coolly  read  it  for  more  than  an  hour, 
though  twice  interrupted  by  Mrs.  Eichardson,  who 
vainly  tried  to  substitute  polite  conversation  the  first 
time,  and  offered  a  cup  of  tea  the  second. 

"  English  breakfast  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Sykes  loftily,  raising 
her  eyes  for  a  moment.  "  No ;  I  am  afraid  not.  It  is 
green  tea,  I  think." 

"  But  do  take  some,"  replied  Mrs.  Eichardson.  "  It  is 
very  nice  indeed." 

"  No,  thank  you,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes  very  shortly,  her 
eyes  on  her  book.  ' 

"Just  one  cup.  Let  me  make  it  for  you?"  suggested 
Mrs.  Eichardson. 

"  Not  for  a  five-pound  note  would  I  drink  the  poison 
ous  stuff.  Say  no  more  about  it,"  replied  Mrs.  Sykes, 
with  delicate  consideration,  and  turned  over  a  page. 

"Do  take  some  coffee,  then,  or  chocolate,"  insisted 
Mrs.  Eichardson. 

"Nothing  of  any  sort  or  kind  whatever,"  snapped 
Mrs.  Sykes,  turning  away  decidedly,  to  get  a  better 
light  on  her  book,  apparently,  but  really  to  get  rid  of 
her  hostess. 

Mr  Ketchum,  fearing  to  show  indecent  exultation 
when  the  carriages  were  announced,  repressed  the  satis 
faction  that  would  have  expressed  itself  in  gay  speeches 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  369 

of  farewell.  A  decorous  exit  was  made ;  and  as  they 
rolled  away  he  gave  a  great  sigh  of  relief,  and  exclaimed, 
"  I  haven't  had  as  much  fun  since  I  had  the  measles. 
Mussiful  Powers !  what  an  evening !  I  feel  like  the  boy 
whose  mother  gave  him  a  good  beating  for  his  own 
sake.  But  all  the  same  I  shall  have  a  word  to  say  to 
Mrs.  Sykes  to-morrow;  and  of  course  I  shall  have  to 
apologize  for  her  behavior  to  Eichardson." 

"  Most  insolent,  unpardonable  conduct,  I  call  it,"  said 
Sir  Eobert.  "  She's  an  innately  vulgar  woman." 

"  Puts  on  an  awful  lot  of  side.  I  can't  stand  her.  She 
gives  me  the  jumps.  And  she  can  tell  a  buster,  too, 
when  she  likes:  I  have  found  that  out,"  put  in  Mr. 
Ramsay. 

"  Well,  I  don't  exactly  hanker  to  be  cast  away  on  a 
desert  island  with  her,  even  supposing  I  was  one  of  the 
royal  dukes  and  had  taken  the  precaution  of  being 
introduced  while  we  were  tying  on  the  life-preservers, 
in  case  of  accidents,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

What  he  said  to  Mrs.  Sykes  next  morning  no  one  evei 
knew  but  the  discreet  Mabel.  Not  much,  probably,  but 
that  little  was  so  much  to  the  point  that  it  had  a  decided 
effect, — two  of  them,  indeed,  one  interior,  the  other  ex 
ternal.  It  increased  her  respect  for  him,  and  it  made 
her  perfectly  civil  to  all  his  friends,  as  far  as  constitution 
and  habit  would  allow. 

"  I  cut  her  comb  for  her,  and  handled  her  without 
gloves,"  was  his  report  of  the  interview  to  his  wife,  who 
was  amazed  at  his  nerve. 

When  Sir  Eobert  got  a  note  addressed  to  "  Lord 
fleathcote,  Baronet,"  beginning  "  Dear  Sir,"  and  signed 
•'  Very  respectfully  your  obedient  servant,"  and  read  it 


370  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

aloud  at  the  breakfast-table  as  "  a  most  extraordinary 
production,"  Mrs.  Sykes  had  absolutely  no  comments  to 
make.  And  when  Ethel  opened  her  letters  and  found 
among  them  an  invitation  to  take  a  buggy-drive,  com 
mencing  "  Dear  Miss,"  Mrs.  Sykes  still  held  her  peace, 
— a  fact  that  was  full  of  significance. 

It  was  Miss  Noel  who  said,  "Really,  Ettie  dear,  1 
can't  have  you  driving  about  furiously  in  a  gig  without 
a  groom.  But  pray  thank  Mr. — what  is  the  name  ? — 
Price  for  being  so  kind  as  to  propose  it,  meaning  to  give 
you  pleasure.  He  has  been  so  obliging,  too,  as  to  pro 
cure  tickets  for  us  to  the  play,  and  has  kindly  offered 
to  escort  us :  I  have  a  letter  from  him  as  well.  A  most 
lovely  day,  this.  There  seems  no  end,  really,  to  the  fine 
weather.  Remind  me  to  look  at  the  thermometer  after 
breakfast,  before  the  sun  catches  it,  love.  It  must  have 
been  quite  two  degrees  hotter  yesterday  than  the  day 
before ;  but  I  neglected  to  make  the  entry  in  my  jour 
nal,  and  so  cannot  be  quite  positive.  Only  fancy !  Is 
it  not  annoying  ?  I  am  getting  sadly  forgetful  about 
everything.  And  I  so  dislike  guess-work  and  conjec 
ture  in  a  record  of  the  kind.  I  should  like  to  see  the 
rose-trees  at  home  this  morning:  the  garden  must  be 
gay  with  flowers  by  this, — though  the  last  time  I  went 
pottering  about  it  in  my  pattens  there  was  nothing  out 
but  the  blackthorn." 

Other  entertainments  followed  closely  upon  the  din 
ner,  of  which  Mrs.  Sykes  complained  to  Miss  Noel, 
saying,  "  Why  will  they  ask  me  out  ?  Why  can't  they 
leave  me  alone  ?  Eeally,  I  shall  not  let  any  one  know 
that  I  am  here,  if  anything  ever  brings  me  back  to 
America, — which  is  most  unlikely." 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  371 

"  There  is  nothing  to  prevent  you  staying  at  home  if 
you  do  not  wish  to  go  out,"  replied  Miss  Noel.  "  But 
do  you  not  like  it  ?  I  enjoy  going  to  the  Browns'.  Mr. 
Brown  is  a  man  of  cultivated  mind  and  Christian  cour 
tesy  ;  I  like  him  very  much  ;  and  the  people  one  meets 
there  are  generally  of  superior  station  and  refined  edi* 
cation.  Why  should  you  object  to  meeting  them  ?" 

"  American  society  may  be  nice  some  day, — that  is, 
if  it  ever  grows  up.  There  doesn't  seem  to  be  anybody 
in  it  now  over  twenty,"  grumbled  Mrs.  Sykes. 

One  result  of  the  parties  was  that  Mr.  Ketchum, 
going  over  to  Mr.  Brown's  one  morning,  found  all  the 
young  people  assembled  there  practising  steps,  the 
"two-and-a-half,"  the  "polka-glide,"  and  other  cheerful 
evolutions.  After  watching  Mr.  Ramsay's  efforts  to  do 
as  Bijou  did,  for  a  moment,  he  called  out  to  her  to  know 
what  she  was  doing  to  a  British  subject  under  his  pro 
tection,  and,  being  shown  by  Bijou  (skirts  held  up  a 
little,  the  prettiest  feet  imaginable,  daintily  shod,  and 
the  gliding,  swaying,  pirouetting,  galopading,  graceful 
beyond  expression),  cried  out,  "  Teaching  him  to  dance, 
are  you?  I  thought  he  was  practising  heading  off  a 
calf  in  a  lane."  This  so  exactly  expressed  the  awkward 
desperate  plunges  to  the  right  and  left  which  Mr.  Ram 
say  was  executing  at  the  moment,  that  Mr.  Heathcoto 
had  another  of  his  acute  attacks  of  appreciation,  and 
became  almost  a  subject  for  sal  volatile  and  burnt 
feathers,  Mr.  Ramsay  saying  good-naturedly,  "  What  a 
fellow  you  are  for  chaffln',  Ketchum!  Just  you  hook 
it  out  of  this,  will  you,  and  let  us  get  on  with  this? 
One  and  two  and  a  kick,  you  say,  Miss  Brown  ?  I  am 
such  a  duffer  I  can't  get  the  kick," 


372  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  You  do  the  one  and  two  make  one,  and  leave  the 
kick  to  Miss  Bijou,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum  suggestively. 
"  Why  aren't  you  gambolling  like  the  playful  antelope, 
Heathcoto  ?" 

"  I  don't  often  gamble.  I  leave  that  to  Ramsay,  who 
is  an  all-fired  jewhillikens  scratch  at  it,  as  you  say  over 
here,"  replied  Mr.  Heathcote. 

'•You  gamble  a  little  differently,  that  is  all.  You 
have  dropped  a  good  deal  on  loo  first  and  last,  for  all 
your  wisdom,"  retorted  Mr.  Eamsay  between  his  steps. 

"  Get  out  your  '  Hand-Book  of  American  slang,'  my 
boy, — two  dollars  a  volume, — and  you  will  retrieve  all 
your  losses,  I'll  engage,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum  laughingly, 
as  he  walked  away. 

The  dancing  had  been  interrupted,  however,  and 
Bijou  and  Mr.  Ramsay  retired  to  the  bow- window  to 
talk.  "  Odd  that  I  can't  get  it,  isn't  it  ?"  said  he.  "  I 
never  was  much  of  a  dancin'  man ;  and  I  ought  to 
be,  you  know.  I  am  not  a  readin'  man;  and  a  man 
that  is  not  a  readin'  man  is  nearly  always  a  dancin'  man. 
The  governor  is  a  readin'  man,  and  took  a  double-first ; 
but  I  am  like  my  poor  mother,  who  was  dull."  Thus 
launched,  he  gave  her  a  full  account  of  his  relatives 
and  home  with  all  his  own  frankness,  and  she,  listening 
with  her  heart  as  well  as  her  ears,  did  not  know 
whether  to  smile  or  sigh :  the  phraseology  of  the  reci 
tal  and  its  completeness  amused  her,  but  she  also 
divined  the  loneliness  of  such  a  boyhood.  To  her 
great  embarrassment,  the  tears  rose  in  her  eyes  in 
quick  sympathy  when  she  came  to  hear  of  the  way  he 
was  treated  in  his  childish  maladies. 

"  Poor  little  fellow !"  she  said  softly,  and,  as  she  was 


JN  THIS  SIDE.  373 

obliged  to  drop  the  white,  thickly-fringed  lids  and  fall 
to  pleating  her  handkerchief  industriously,  she  felt 
rather  than  saw  that  he  was  looking  at  her  narrowly. 

u?here  was  a  moment's  silence-,  and  then  Mr.  Kamsay 
began  talking  again.  "  You  are  very  happy  here,  aren't 
you.  You  wouldn't  like  to  leave  it  and  go  away  to 
[ndia,  or  Egypt,  or — or — England,  or  anywhere  ?"  said 
this  particularly  deep  young  man,  and,  without  waiting 
for  any  answer,  except  such  as  was  afforded  by  her  rosy 
silence,  went  on :  "  American  girls  do  have  lots  of  fun, 
I  see  that.  I  am  afraid  they  are  too  fond  of  flirting, 
though.  English  girls  don't  get  much  of  a  chance  at 
that,  as  girls.  They  don't  amount  to  much  until  they 
are  married  and  get  their  own  way." 

"Why,  they  don't  flirt  after  they  are  married,  do 
they?"  said  Bijou,  in  a  horrified  tone,  her  ideal  of  post- 
matrimonial  conduct  being  the  exact  opposite  of  the 
ante-matrimonial. 

"Oh,  don't  they,  just!"  said  Mr.  Ramsay  cheerfully. 
"  You  see,  as  girls  they  are  heavily  handicapped.  They 
can't  do  anything  they  like,  or  go  anywhere ;  it's  awfully 
slow  for  them,  poor  things.  And  so  they  naturally  look 
forward  to  the  time  when  they  will  get  their  liberty  as 
well  as  a  husband.  But  the  competition  must  be  some 
thing  awful.  A  fellow  that  has  got  a  fine  property  or 
money  is  regularly  hunted  down  ;  and  even  a  poor  devil 
like  me  has  to  be  monstrous  careful.  Cowrie,  of  the 
Carbineers,  who  has  got  sixty  thousand  a  year,  says 
that  he  can't  go  to  certain  houses,  for  fear  they  may 
have  a  clergyman  secreted  about  the  place  and  will  get 
him  spliced  to  the  ugliest  daughter  before  he  can  escape. 
A  wfully  clever  chap,  Cowrie, — a  match  for  any  mamma 

82 


374  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

in  England,  I  can  tell  you.  He  is  not  going  to  marry 
any  woman  but  the  one  he  wishes  to  marry.  No  more 
am  I.  That's  why  I  can't  marry.  I've  got  no  mon£y. 
The  governor  picked  out  a  young  woman  from  Liver 
pool  for  me  last  year, — a  brewer's  daughter,  with  pots 
of  it, — and  wanted  me  to  make  up  to  her." 

"Oh,  he  did!  What  did  you  do  about  it?"  asked 
Bijou,  in  a  low  voice. 

"  Well,  you  see,  just  then  I  was  most  awfully  hard 
up,  and  couldn't  afford  to  break  with  the  governor ;  and 
so—" 

"  I'd  be  ashamed  to  say  any  more  about  it.  Address 
ing  the  girl  just  for  her  money!"  interjected  Bijou 
warmly,  disappointed  that  he  had  not  scorned  the 
proposition  utterly. 

"  It  didn't  go  that  far.  I  thought  it  might  be  a  good 
thing,  you  know.  And  so  I  tried  it, — spoonin',  you 
know,"  said  he  placidly. 

"  Ob,  indeed !"  commented  Bijou  sarcastically.  "  Yery 
honorable  of  you,  I  am  sure,  and  delightful  for  the  girl 
to  have  such  a  disinterested  admirer.  How  did  it  end  ?" 

"  How  you  do  pick  a  fellow  up !"  remonstrated  Mr. 
Ramsay  amiably.  "It  sounds  awfully  conceited  to  say 
so,  of  course,  but  I  think  I  could  have  carried  off  the 
cup  if  I  had  liked.  At  least  every  one  said  she  was 
hard  hit.  And  she  wasn't  long  in  the  tooth,  or  very 
ugly,  or  vulgar,  or  anything;  but  somehow  I  couldn't 
stand  it.  I  got  to  hate  her.  She  breathed  so  hard 
when  she  danced,  for  one  thing.  Regular  grampus. 
Upon  my  word,  she  almost  blew  my  gibus  away  from 
under  my  arm  sometimes.  Regular  snorts.  And  then 
she  was  always  smilin'.  And  she  talked  an  awful  lot 


OiV   THIS  SIDE.  375 

about  Goethe  and  Schiller,  and  those  chaps.  Altogether, 
I  cried  off,  and  told  the  governor  I  would  try  the,  Colo 
nies.  And  he  told  me  that  if  I  was  such  a  consummate 
ass  as  to  let  a  good  thing  like  that  slip,  I  could  take  my 
little  pittance  and  go  to  the  deuce  as  soon  as  ever  I 
liked ;  and  here  I  am.  Some  may  think  I  acted  fool 
ishly,  but  one's  relatives  are  not  always  the  best  judges 
of  what  is  good  for  one,  you  know,  though  they  may 
think  they  are  actin'  for  one's  good;  and  what  one 
wants  to  do  is  to  do  one's  best  in  whatever  position  one 
finds  one's  self  in,  you  know,  no  matter  what  one — 
Hang  it  all !  I  know  what  I  want  to  say,  but  I  can't 
say  it.  You  understand,  I  fancy,  without  me  tryin'  to 
explain." 

Having  tied  himself  up  in  this  conversational  bow- 
knot,  Mr.  Eamsay  waited  to  be  extricated.  His  idea 
had  been  to  convey  in  the  most  delicate  and  roundabout 
way  to  Bijou  that  he  was  not  the  man  to  marry  any 
woman  for  her  money,  and  that  if  he  had  seemed  to 
like  a  certain  person  a  good  deal  it  was  not  because  she 
was  the  daughter  of  a  rich  man.  To  her,  however,  he 
seemed  to  be  posing  as  a  conqueror  of  heiresses,  indif 
ferent  to  the  pain  he  might  inflict  upon  any  girl  silly 
enough  to  be  captivated,  by  his  good  looks  and  good 
manners, — a  breaker  of  tacit  engagements,  and  a  wicked 
worldling.  So  she  rose  very  stiffly,  and  said  that  she 
neither  knew  nor  cared  to  know  what  he  meant,  and 
was  obliged  to  leave  him,  and  so  went  away,  and  left 
him  extremely  puzzled  and  disconcerted  by  the  behavior 
of  his  charmer. 

After  this,  the  summer  of  Mr.  Eamsay's  discontent 
net  in.  There  was  nothing  that  he  could  actually  com- 


376  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

plain  of  in  Bijou's  treatment  of  him,  but  it  was  plain 
that  she  had  changed.  She  was  vastly  more  polite  than 
before,  but  much  less  kind.  Their  intimacy  seemed  a 
thing  of  the  past  century.  It  was  Mr.  Heathcote  now 
who,  partly  from  idleness,  partly  from  a  desire  to  tease 
his  friend,  went  constantly  to  the  Browns',  and  showed 
Bijou  various  attentions,  which  she  accepted  with  very 
pronounced  satisfaction.  It  was  with  Miss  Price  now 
that  Mr.  Earn  say  rode  and  walked  and  talked.  Miss 
Price,  whose  free-and-easiness,  vapid  chatter,  artifici 
ality,  and  sentimentalised  contrasted  unpleasantly  with 
Bijou's  frankness  and  sincerity.  By  this  course  each 
confirmed  the  other  in  the  impression  of  untrustworthi- 
ness  and  flirtatiousness  both  had  received,  and  they 
ought  to  have  been  perfectly  satisfied  with  this  result. 
But,  considering  how  perfectly  happy  she  was  in  Mr. 
Heathcote's  society,  it  was  odd  that  Bijou  grew  paler 
and  thinner  every  day.  And  if  Miss  Price  was  so  per 
fectly  delightful,  why  did  she  send  Mr.  Eamsay  home 
always  as  gloomy  and  morose  as  any  young  man  very 
well  could  be  ?  With  blundering  honesty,  Mr.  Ramsay 
once  taxed  Bijou  with  a  preference  for  Mr.  Heathcote, 
not  knowing  that  when  a  jealous  lover  accuses  a  girl  of 
being  fond  of  some  other  man  she  never  fails  to  encour 
age  the  idea,  unless  it  is  really  true,  when  she  denies  it 
with  the  utmost  vehemence.  Bijou,  with  much  femi 
nine  circumlocution,  insinuated  that  he  was  devotedly 
attached  to  Miss  Price,  to  which  he  truthfully  replied 
that  he  did  not  care  "  one  rap"  about  her.  Women  are 
born  incredulous  in  such  affairs.  When  sure  of  them 
selves,  they  doubt  the  lover ;  when  sure  of  the  lover, 
they  invariably  doubt  themselves.  And  so  the  mis- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  377 

understanding  grew,  and  continued  in  mutual  mistake 
and  suspicion,  and  no  two  people  were  ever  more  thor 
oughly  and  foolishly  miserable.  Mr.  Ketchum,  when 
enlightened  by  his  wife,  could  see  that  his  guest  was  in 
a  bad  way ;  and  one  day  it  chanced  that  they  were  left 
alone  in  the  library,  where  Job  was  most  unromantically 
engaged  in  looking  up  plans  for  a  model  pig-stye,  while 
he  incidentally  refreshed  himself  with  his  favorite  con 
fection,  molasses  candy. 

"  Man  alive  !"  said  he,  after  directing  a  keen  glance  at 
Mr.  Eamsay's  face,  "  what  is  the  matter  ?  Take  some 
of  the  Dentist's  Friend,  won't  you?"  (pushing  a  plate 
toward  him.)  "I  like  it  better  than  all  the  French 
stuff  that  was  ever  made,  and  Mabel  keeps  me  liberallj 
supplied.  You  look  awfully  down  in  the  mouth,  Earn- 
say,  as  though  you'd  enjoy  howling  like  the  lone  wolf 
on  far  Alaska's  shore,  if  you  were  sure  nobody  was 
looking.  Suppose  you  tell  me  what  has  impaled  you. 
Is  it  love,  money,  or  indigestion,  old  fellow  ?" 

The  words  were  light,  but  the  tone  hearty  and  kind  ; 
and,  thus  encouraged,  Mr.  Eamsay  laid  bare  his  woes, 
Mr.  Ketchum  listening  attentively,  and  saying,  when 
he  had  finished,  "  I  know  ;  I  know.  When  I  thought 
I  had  lost  Mabel  once,  I  carried  the  universe  around  on 
a  sore  back  all  day,  and  then  my  heart  would  get  up  on 
its  hind  legs  and  yelp  half  the  night ;  and  there  have 
been  other  times  when  I  got  caught  in  the  machinery, 
and  I  know  how  it  hurts.  I  think  of  those  times  often. 
They  grind  a  man  down  to  the  quick,  and  send  the  chaff 
flying ;  they  teach  him  valuable  lessons.  I  remember 
T  started  out  in  life  with  two  violent  prejudices, — one 
against  Jews,  and  the  other  against  Eoman  Catholics 

32* 


378  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Well,  in  the  greatest  strait  I  have  ever  known,  the 
Christian  that  came  to  my  relief  was  a  Jew  in  a  town 
of  seven  thousand  people;  and  when  I  had  the  small 
pox  a  Sister  of  Charity  took  me  to  the  hospital  and 
nursed  me,  when  every  one  had  deserted  me  and  left 
me  to  die  or  live  without  any  meddling  from  them  to 
bias  me  in  my  decision.  After  that  I  said  to  myself, 
'  Job  Ketchum,  if  the  Lord  can  make  and  stand  as  great 
a  fool  as  you  have  been,  he  can  make  plenty  of  good 
Jews  and  Eoman  Catholics,  and  if  they  have  got  his 
hall-mark  they  can  do  without  your  valuable  endorse 
ment  ;  and  when  smelting-day  comes  I  reckon  you'll 
find  that  the  Protestants'  or  even  the  Christian  quartz 
won't  pan  out  all  the  silver  that  has  been  put  in  the 
sarth's  veins.  You  needn't  go  around  blushing  for 
David  and  Thomas  a  Kempis  any  longer,  my  son.  Take 
a  holiday.'  My  advice  to  you,  Eamsay,  is  to  keep  a 
stiff  upper  lip.  Perhaps  the  buzz-saw  has  only  got  your 
clothes,  and  you  will  be  all  right  when  you  cut  loose ; 
but  if  it  has  got  you,  all  you  can  do  is  to  stand  and  take 
it,  and  if  you  can  remember  who  set  it  going  it  will  be 
better  for  you." 

The  last  phrase  Mr.  Ketchum  got  out  in  a  shamefaced 
way,  as  if  very  much  ashamed  of  it,  as  indeed  he  was ; 
but  Mr.  Ramsay  was  the  better  for  the  talk,  and,  though 
aot  "  a  readin'  man,"  had  easily  understood  the  illumi 
nated  characters  in  this  page  of  human  experience.  He- 
brightened  perceptibly  from  this  date,  and  was  able  to 
take  a  healthy  interest  in  certain  match-games  of  base 
ball  and  la-crosse  in  neighboring  cities,  which  he  at 
tended  with  Mr.  Ketchum  and  Sir  Robert,  who,  besides 
these  diversions,  had  to  visit  the  prisons  and  all  the 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  379 

public  schools,  and  to  gather  a  mass  of  information  in 
regard  to  these  two  subjects,  with  criminal  and  edu 
cational  statistics,  systems,  theories,  that  had  to  be  ex 
amined,  sifted,  recorded  in  the  diary  with  the  pains, 
study,  and  reverence  for  facts  that  characterized  every 
entry  made  in  it.  Meanwhile,  quite  an  intimacy  had 
sprung  up  between  the  ladies  of  the  Ketchum  and 
Brown  households,  or  rather  the  existing  one  soon  em 
braced  the  Englishwomen.  Mrs.  Sykes  and  Miss  Noel 
were  struck  by  a  number  of  things  in  the  latter  estab 
lishment. 

"  Do  you  suppose  that  all  American  households  are 
organized  in  this  extraordinary,  miscellaneous  way,  so 
as  to  include,  besides  the  head  of  the  house,  his  wife  and 
children,  all  sorts  of  relatives,  outsiders,  and  strangers  ?" 
said  Mrs.  Sykes  to  Miss  Noel.  "  Mrs.  De  "Witt  told  me, 
quite  as  a  matter  of  course,  that  the  sister  of  her  hus 
band's  first  wife  lived  with  them,  though  she  was  away 
when  we  were  there.  And  look  at  the  Ketchums  and 
Browns.  It  is  most  remarkable.  Why  do  they  do  it, 
I  wonder  ?  I  must  really  ask  about  it,  how  it  ever  came 
about.  And  on  such  an  extraordinary  basis,  too !  Only 
fancy,  that  poor,  thread-paper  creature,  Mr.  Brown's 
daughter,  has  married  badly  and  come  back  to  her  father 
with  a  troop  of  children ;  and  she  married  in  opposition 
to  his  wishes,  and  she  hasn't  a  farthing  of  her  own ;  and 
yet  she  seems  to  have  no  proper  sense  of  her  position 
whatever.  She  does  nothing  to  make  herself  useful  and 
get  her  living,  but  sits  up  in  her  bedroom,  rocking  and 
sewing,  all  the  day  long.  She  bids  her  father  buy  thin 
and  that  for  the  children,  just  as  though  they  were  not 
actually  beggars,  dependent  upon  him  for  shelter  and 


380  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

every  mouthful.  She  meddles  in  household  matters  to 
any  extent,  giving  the  servants  orders,  having  fires 
made,  and  even  the  dinner-hour  changed  to  suit  her 
convenience;  and  one  would  think  she  was  mistress 
there.  I  wonder  she  dares  do  it.  Yet,  so  far  from  being 
sat  upon  or  put  in  her  place,  I  heard  Mr.  Brown  tell 
Bijou  the  other  day,  when  some  little  disagreement 
took  place  between  them,  that  she  must  let  her  '  poor 
sister'  have  everything  to  suit  herself,  and  do  her  best 
to  make  her  happy  and  contented  and  help  her  to  for 
get  all  the  trouble  she  had  known,  as  far  as  possible. 
Just  as  if  spoiling  her  like  that,  and  giving  her  false 
ideas  of  her  importance,  could  be  a  good  plan.  Not  that 
it  will  last.  She  is  a  pauper,  and  will  be  made  to  see 
that  she  is  one,  sooner  or  later.  She  has  nothing  but 
what  he  gives  her,  I  know,  for  I  have  asked  her  \  but 
she  would  not  tell  me  why  she  separated  from  her  hus 
band.  Americans  are  so  absurdly  secretive  and  sensi 
tive  !  Do  you  know,  she  was  vexed  by  the  inquiry  ?  A 
great  mistake,  as  I  told  her,  to  get  rid  of  him,  unless  he 
was  a  dangerous  brute :  men  are  so  useful,  and  '  grass- 
widows,'  as  they  say  here,  are  always  looked  down 
upon.  Did  you  ever  know  anything  so  idle  as  those 
Brown  women?  The  men  here  are  very  active  and 
'  go-ahead,'  as  they  call  it,  but  the  women  seem  to  do 
one  of  two  things, — either  they  hold  their  hands  alto 
gether  and  are  a  thousand  times  more  idle  than  any 
queen  or  duchess,  or  they  work  themselves  to  death, 
and  are  cooks,  sempstresses,  maids,  housemaids,  nurses, 
governesses,  ladies,  and  a  dozen  other  things  rolled  into 
one, — poor  things !  Thank  heaven  I  am  not  an  Amer 
ican  lady." 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  381 

"  1  see  what  you  mean,"  said  Miss  Noel.  "  That  dear, 
sweet  girl  Bijou  has  had  no  practical  training  whatever. 
She  was  amazed  that  I  should  make  Ethel  dye  her  white 
kid  slippers  (when  they  were  soiled)  for  mortiing  use  ; 
and  when  she  saw  me  getting  up  some  dainty  bits  of 
old  point  that  I  do  not  trust  to  Parsons,  she  asked  me 
why  I  bothered  with  the  old  stuff  and  didn't  buy  new. 
She  has  absolutely  no  idea  of  the  value  of  money  or  of 
household  management.  On  the  other  hand,  that  little 
Mrs.  Grey,  their  friend,  told  me  that  she  did  all  the 
sewing  for  her  twelve  children ;  and  Mr.  Grey  has  not 
taken  a  holiday  of  even  a  few  weeks  for  twenty  years. 
I  can't  think  how  it  is  they  don't  break  down  alto 
gether." 

But  it  was  the  children  of  the  Brown  household  that 
awakened  the  liveliest  surprise  in  the  minds  of  these 
ladies, — an  astonishment  wholly  free  from  admiration 
or  approval,  for  they  were  children  of  a  type  with 
which  Americans  are  sadly  familiar,  but  which  had 
never  come  under  their  notice  before.  The  little  Gray- 
sons  were  utterly  undisciplined,  and  got  their  own  way 
in  everything.  Their  grandfather,  aunt,  mother,  and 
nurses  combined  were  powerless  to  control  them,  and 
would  give  them  anything  but  what  they  most  needed. 
They  pervaded  the  whole  house,  and  were  the  hub  of 
it ;  they  ate  at  all  hours,  and  of  whatever  they  fancied. 
They  "had  no  regular  hour  for  going  to  bed,  but  fell 
asleep  everywhere,  and  were  removed  with  the  utmost 
precaution.  Mrs.  Sykes,  going  there,  would  find  them 
jumping  up  and  down  with  muddy  feet  on  the  drawing- 
room  sofas  or  playing  on  the  new  grand  piano  with  the 
poker.  Miss  Noel  one  day  found  Mr.  Brown  in  a  great 


382  0^  BOTH  SIDES. 

state  of  perturbation,  calling  out,  "  Helen !  Jane!  Bijci! 
Come  here,  quick !  The  baby  is  bump.ng  his  head  on 
the  floor !"  (The  baby  being  three  years  old.)  ';  Don't 
get  angry,  darling.  If  you  won't  bump  your  head, 
grandpa  will  bring  you  a  wax  doll  from  Raising  to 
morrow."  Another  day,  baby's  sister  in  banging  on  the 
window-pane  struck  through  the  glass  and  cut  her  fist. 
"  Poor  little  dear !  Poor  childie !  Let  me  bind  it  up 
quickly.  Harry,  love,  bid  nurse  fetch  the  arnica  at 
once,"  exclaimed  Miss  Noel;  but  the  patient  stamped 
and  shrieked,  and  would  not  have  her  hand  examined 
or  doctored  by  anybody,  whereupon  her  admiring 
mother  said,  "  Jenny  has  always  been  that  way.  She 
has  a  great  deal  of  character,  Miss  Noel." 

"A  very  undisciplined  one,  I  fear,"  replied  that  lady 
emphatically.  She  could  scarcely  believe  that  she 
heard  aright  when,  on  asking  this  model  parent  what 
her  plans  were  for  the  summer,  she  said, — 

"  I  am  going  to  try  Saratoga  again.  We  were  thero 
last  year,  and  I  went  prepared  to  stay  until  the  1st  of 
October.  I  liked  it  very  much ;  it  was  very  gay  and 
pleasant ;  but  Harry  got  tired  of  it,  and  wouldn't  stay 
after  the  second  week,  so  I  packed  up  and  went  to 
Long  Branch,  which  he  has  always  liked." 

"  Your  brother,  or  uncle  ?"  inquired  Miss  Noel,  in 
perfect  good  faith. 

"  No ;  my  little  Harry,"  replied  the  placid  mother. 

The  very  appearance  of  the  children,  fragile,  delicate- 
looking,  nervous,  was  in  striking  contrast  to  the  solid, 
rosy,  somewhat  stolid  English  children  to  Avhom  she 
was  accustomed.  They  were  pretty,  quite  abnormally 
intelligent  she  thought,  and  as  attractive  as  such  rcai*- 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  383 

mg  would  permit  them  to  become;  but  their  habits 
and  manners  positively  afflicted  her.  She  pined  to  put 
them  to  bed  at  seven  o'clock,  keep  them  four  or  five 
hours  of  every  day  in  the  open  air,  give  them  simple, 
nourishing  food, — in  short,  inaugurate  the  wholesome 
nursery  system  of  her  own  country.  To  see  them 
sitting  down  to  table  without  saying  their  grace  or 
putting  on  their  pinafores,  and  order  of  the  servant 
soups  full  of  condiments,  veal,  any  or  all  of  eight  vege 
tables,  pickles,  tarts,  pudding,  jelly,  custard,  fruit-cake, 
bon-bons,  strong  coffee,  cheese,  almonds,  raisins,  figs, 
more  custard,  raisins  again,  and  more  fruit-cake,  all 
despatched  in  great  haste,  with  no  attention  to  the 
proper  use  of  napkin,  knife,  fork,  or  spoon,  was  acutely 
disagreeable  to  her;  and  it  was  amusing  to  see  her 
efforts  to  insinuate,  as  it  were,  better  things  into  their 
daily  life.  "  They  are  nice,  clever  children,"  she  would 
say, — "  so  delicate-featured,  and  so  refined  in  appear 
ance,  but,  heavens !  what  a  monstrous  system  of  edu 
cation  !" 

There  were  other  things  in  that  household  that  Miss 
Noel  was  not  blind  to.  She  saw,  for  instance,  whau 
quite  escaped  Mr.  Brown  and  Mrs.  Grayson,  namely, 
that  Bijou  was  not  herself,  and  shrewdly  guessed  that 
she  was  suffering  from  a  malady  that  had  once  made 
a  certain  part  of  her  own  life  very  happy  and  very 
miserable.  She  had  taken  a  fancy  to  Bijou  from  the 
first,  and  she  soon  noticed  in  her  a  great  many  little 
evidences  of  weariness,  discontent,  unhappiness;  also 
that  she  was  alternately  very  pale  and  depressed  or 
flushed  and  animated.  She  took  the  girl  therefore 
under  her  motherly  wing,  lectured  her  a  little  in  her 


384  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

gentle  way  about  some  things,  praised  her  in  others, 
and  was  very  kind  to  her. 

"  My  dear,"  she  would  say,  "  do  you  not  eat  entirely 
too  many  sweets,  bon-bons,  and  what  not,  and  then  go 
without  proper  food  at  the  regular  meals?"  Or  it 
would  be,  "How  do  you  occupy  yourself,  as  a  rule, 
dear  child?  Do  you  district-visit,  botanize,  sketch, 
learn  a  language?  What  do  you  do?  You  would 
enjoy  a  course,  of  belles-lettres,  and  should  take  that. 
And  that  head  in  crayons  that  you  did  at  school  was 
pleasantly  executed :  why  not  study  from  life  con 
stantly  ?"  Bijou  had  to  confess  that  she  did  nothing, 
and  not  even  that  industriously:  "  But,  my  dear,  you 
are  not  an  Asiatic.  You  surely  don't  wish  to  be  a  doll, 
a  plaything,  self-indulgent,  helpless,  leading  a  life  of 
mere  luxurious  indulgence  and  artificiality  ?" 

No,  Bijou  had  no  such  wish  ;  but  what  was  the  use 
of  learning  or  doing  anything  now  as  a  girl  ?  If  she 
married,  it  would  be  different;  but  then  she  would 
never,  never  marry.  But  Miss  Noel  insisted  that  an 
idle  woman  was  a  miserable  woman,  married  or  single, 
and  was  brisk  and  cheerful  and  kind,  and  devised  a 
number  of  small  employments  for  Bijou,  whom  she 
kept  with  her  a  great  deal,  and  so  befriended  her  as 
effectually  as  Mr.  Ketchum  had  done  Mr.  Eamsay. 
Mrs.  Sykes  found  fault  with  her  once  or  twice,  but  did 
not  find  her  all  meekness. 

"  Why  do  you  talk  of  '  an  elegant  breeze'  ?"  she  said 
to  her  one  day.  • 

"  For  the  same  reason  that  you  spoke  of  '  a  beautiful 
roast'  yesterday,"  retorted  the  young  lady,  who  might 
bo  broken-hearted,  but  was  certainly  not  broken-spirited. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  385 

"  I  know  better,  and  I  suppose  you  do,  but  we  are  both 
careless." 

Matters  drifted  along  in  this  way  until  a  certain 
morning  spent  by  Mr.  Ramsay  at  the  Browns', — event 
ful  because  a  little  thing  happened  which  convinced 
him  that  Bijou  cared  for  him.  He  came  home  with  a 
new  pang  substituted  for  those  he  had  been  enduring 
for  a  lover's  age.  After  dinner  he  tramped  off  for  a 
long  walk  alone,  in  the  course  of  which  it  may  fairly 
be  presumed  that  he  decided  what  course  to  take,  for 
early  on  the  following  day  he  called  especially,  for  the 
second  time,  upon  Mr.  Brown. 

"  I  have  come  to  tell  you  that  I  can't  come  here  any 
more,"  he  said,  holding  his  hat  with  his  accustomed 
grace,  and  going  in  his  straightforward  fashion  imme 
diately  to  the  subject  in  his  mind.  "And  I  wish  to 
thank  you  for  bein'  so  kind  to  me  and  receivin'  me  as 
you  have  done,  and  to  tell  you  why  I  am  actin'  in  this 
way." 

"Why,  what's  the  matter?  Going  away?  Isn't 
this  rather  sudden  ?"  asked  Brown pere,  all  unsuspicious 
of  what  was  to  come. 

"  Oh,  it  isn't  that !  Though  of  course  I  shall  be  goin1. 
It  is  that  I  can't  marry.  That  is  what  it  is.  You 
should  have  been  told  of  it  before,  by  rights,  only  I 
kept  puttin'  it  off.  You  have  a  perfect  right  to  blame 
me  for  not  sayin'  so  long  ago,  when  you  were  good 
enough  to  admit  me  here  on  an  intimate  footin'.  It 
was  a  shabby,  dishonorable  thing  of  me,  and  T  hope 
you'll  forgive  it,  rememberin'  that  it  was  not  my  inten 
tion  to  deceive  you,"  said  Mr.  Ramsay.  "  It  wasn't, 
now,  really." 

K       z  33 


J86  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"But,  my  dear  fellow,  of  what  are  you  accusing  your 
self?  There  must  be  some  mistake.  What  has  that 
got  to  do  with  your  visits  here  ?"  asked  Mr.  Brown. 

"  Why,  don't  you  see  ? — don't  you  object  to  me  bein' 
thrown  so  much  with  Miss  Brown,  under  the  circum 
stances  ?"  stammered  out  Mr.  Eamsay. 

"Not  the  least  in  the  world, — not  the  least  in  the 
woi^d,  I  assure  you.  Delighted  to-  see  you,  I  am  sure, 
whenever  you  like  to  come,"  said  Mr.  Brown,  with 
hospitable  warmth.  "  Why  should  I  ?  There  is  no 
necessity  for  your  marrying  anybody,  that  I  can  see. 
What  put  such  a  foolish  idea  in  your  head  ?" 

"  But  I  thought  you  would  think — she  would  think  1 
thought — that  is — as  you  might  say — " 

A  hearty  laugh  from  Mr.  Brown  interrupted  him  : 
"  Why,  you  seem  to  have  thought  a  good  deal  on  the 
Bubject.  The  most  extraordinary  idea!  Excuse  my 
saying  so.  This  house  is  always  full  of  young  men 
dancing  attendance  on  Bijou,  who  is  as  popular  a  girl 
as  there  is ;  but  I  don't  trouble  my  head  about  them,  I 
can  assure  you.  No,  indeed.  Half  of  them  don't  want 
to  marry  Bijou,  and  she  don't  want  to  marry  any  of 
them  that  I  know  of.  And  I  guess  I  shall  be  told  when 
the  aifair  comes  off,  so  that  I  can  order  the  wedding- 
cake.  Why,  they  are  just  all  young  people  together. 
It  don't  mean  anything.  They  just  naturally  like  each 
other's  society.  They  are  amusing  themselves, — that's 
all ;  and  quite  right,  too." 

Mr.  Eamsay  had  never  conceived  of  such  a  philo 
sophical  parent  or  agreeable  state  of  affairs.  He  was 
very  much  embarrassed,  and  caught  at  a  familiar  idea 
in  his  confusion.  "  That's  what  I  thought  you  would 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  387 

think, — that  I  was  amusiu'  myself.  And  I  wanted  to 
tell  you  that  I  am  not,  you  know.  I  have  far  too  much 
respect  for  Miss  Brown  to  dream  of  doin'  such  a  thing," 
he  said  very  eagerly. 

"  Oh,  you  mean  at  her  expense  ?  I  understand  now. 
Well,  now,  let  me  make  your  mind  perfectly  easy  on 
that  score.  Bijou  can  take  care  of  herself  as  well  as  any 
girl  in  America,  and  I  never  thought  of  such  a  thing. 
If  you  are  thinking  of  her,  that's  all  right.  If  you 
are  thinking  of  yourself,  of  course  that  is  another  thing. 
She  isn't  thinking  of  marrying  you.  She  doesn't  care 
anything  about  you  in  that  way,  I  am  certain.  I  should 
have  noticed  it  if  she  had  been,"  said  Mr.  Brown,  who 
labored  under  the  usual  parental  delusion  as  to  his 
daughter's  heart  having  a  glass  window  through  which 
he  could  see  all  that  went  on  there. 

"  I  am  tryin'  to  do  what  is  best  for  both  of  us,"  said 
Mr.  Ramsay  honestly,  blushing  profusely.  "And  I 
came  to  say  good-by.  And  here  is  a  little  note  I  have 
written  Miss  Brown.  I  have  left  it  open,  in  case  you 
wished  to  see  it." 

"  Not  at  all, — not  at  all.  Bijou  would  blow  me  up 
sky-high  if  she  caught  me  reading  it,  I  can  tell  you. 
I'll  give  it  to  her,  certainly.  I  think  you  are  giving 
yourself  unnecessary  concern ;  but  your  scruples,  though 
novel,  do  you  honor.  If  you  think  it  best  to  give  as  up, 
yoii  are,  as  far  as  you  are  personally  concerned,  the  best 
judge.  Grood-by.  Send  us  a  line  to  say  how  you  like 
the  Werit.  Good-by,"  said  Mr.  Brown,  and  smilingly 
accompanied  him  to  the  front  door. 

Papa  Brown  gave  his  daughter  the  note,  which  ran 
as  follows : 


388  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  MY  DEAR  Miss  BROWN, — I  am  going  away,  and  you 
have  been  so  awfully  kind  to  me  that  1  know  you  will 
excuse  me  writing  to  say  how  awfully  grateful  I  am  to 
your  family  for  receiving  a  stranger  as  they  have  done." 

Here  "  I  shall  often  think  of  you"  was  carefully 
scratched  out,  and  "  I  shall  always  remember  it  and  tho 
pleasant  hours  I  have  spent  with  them"  substituted. 

"And  now  I  have  got  to  say  a  disagreeable  word, 
which  is  good-by.  I  hope  you  will  have  a  fine  hot  sum 
mer  and  will  think  of  me  sometimes  when  you  are 
spooning  tremendously  at  croquet, — as  you  know  you 
do,  though  it  isn't  fair.  With  best  regards  to  all  the 
members  of  your  household,  I  am 

"  Faithfully  yours, 

"ARTHUR  RAMSAY. 

"  P.S. — If  I  should  drop  into  a  good  thing  you  will 
hear  of  it." 

Mr.  Ramsay  had  taken  four  hours  to  compose  some 
thing  that  should  not  be  actionable  or  compromising, 
and  yet  that  should  convey  some  idea  of  the  state  of 
his  mind  and  feelings,  and  had  turned  out  this  master 
piece,  which  Bijou  read  in  bitterness  of  soul  over  and 
over  again. 

"  Excuse  me  writing,"  "  fine  hot  summer,"  "  croquet," 
she  quoted  mentally.  "After  all  that  has  passed  be 
tween  us !  If  he  had  really  cared  for  me,  and  anything 
had  separated  us,  he  would  have  had  the  common  hon 
esty  and  manliness  to  say  so.  No ;  he  thinks  me  an 
other  Liverpool  gill,  'hard  hit.'  He  is  running  away 
from  me."  At  this  cruel  idea,  so  abhorrent  to  her  van 
ity,  pride,  affection,  and  general  womanhood,  the  poor 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  389 

girl  sank  down  on  her  bed  overwhelmed,  and  did  not 
leave  her  room  for  three  days, — or  rather  eternities, — 
at  the  end  of  which  time  she  met  Mr.  Kamsay  by  acci 
dent  on  the  high-road  uiid  cut  him  dead. 

"  I  must  pull  myself  together  and  get  away  out  of 
this,"  said  Mr.  Ramsay  to  Mr.  Ketchum  that  evening. 
"  I  have  bought  of  Albert  Brown  his  ranch  in  Coloi-ado, 
near  Taylorsville,  and  I  leave  in  the  morning." 

"  WHAT  !"  cried  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  Has  he  sold  you 
that  tumble-down  claim  on  a  burnt  prairie,  miles  from 
any  wood  or  water?  I  know  the  place." 

"  I  haven't  examined  the  property ;  but  he  assured 
me  it  is  a  fine  one.  And,  anyway,  it  is  settled.  I  am 
going.  A  thousand  thanks  for  all  your  kindness,  Ket 
chum.  An  Englishman  that  I  met  in  New  York  wants 
me  to  go  huntin'  with  him,  and  I  shall  join  him  at  St. 
Louis  and  go  on  out  from  there." 

"  Why,  I  thought  you  had  all  promised  to  go  to  Ni 
agara  as  my  guests  in  a  few  days.  Do  change  your 
mind  and  stay,  won't  you  ?"  urged  Mr.  Ketchum. 

But  Mr.  Ramsay  was  obdurate,  and  took  himself  and 
a  car-load  of  property  off  in  the  direction  of  the  setting 
sun  by  the  mid-day  train  next  morning. 

"  Ramsay,  I  want  you  to  promise  me  one  thing.  If, 
owing  to  that  skunk  Brown,  you  are  disappointed  out 
there,  or  don't  get  on,  write  or  telegraph  me,  and  I'll 
stand  by  you  to  the  tune  of  ten  thousand  or  so.  Good- 
by,  old  fellow.  Remember,  I'm  your  friend,"  said  gen 
erous  Job,  at  the  station.  And  as  he  went  home  he 
stopped. and  presented  Mr.  Albert  Brown  with  apiece 
of  his  mind  that  any  other  man  would  only  have  taken 
in  exchange  for  a  flogging,  delivered. 

33* 


390  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"  How  very  nice  and  kind  of  the  dear  duke  to  give 
Mr.  Kamsay  an  invite  to  join  him!"  said  Mrs.  Sykes. 
with  emotion,  at  dinner  that  day. 


VIII. 

NOT  the  least  delightful  of  Sir  Eobert's  qualities  was 
his  capacity  for  enjoying  most  things  that  came  in  his 
way,  and  finding  some  interest  in  all.  When  Mr.  Ket- 
chum  joined  him  in  the  library,  where  he  was  jotting 
down  "  the  sobriquets  of  the  American  States  and  cities," 
and  told  him  of  the  Niagara  plan,  his  ruddy  visage 
beamed  with  pleasure. 

"  A  delightful  idea.  Capital,"  he  said.  "  I  suppose  1 
can  read  up  a  bit  about  it  before  we  start,  and  not  go 
there  with  my  eyes  shut.  Ni-a-ga-rah, — monstrously 
soft  and  pretty  name.  Isn't  there  something  on  your 
shelves  that  would  give  me  the  information  I  want  ? 
But  we  can  come  to  that  presently.  Just  now  I  want 
to  find  out,  if  I  can,  how  these  nicknames  came  to  be 
given.  They  must  have  originated  in  some  great  pop 
ular  movement,  eh  ?  I  thought  I  saw  my  way,  as,  for 
example,  the  '  Empire  State'  and  the  '  Crescent  City' 
and  some  others,  but  this  '  Sucker  State,'  now,  and 
'  Buckeye'  business, — what  may  that  mean  in  plain 
English  ?" 

Mr.  Ketchum  shed  what  light  he  could  on  these  in 
teresting  questions,  and  Sir  Eobert  thoughtfully  ran  his 
bands  through  his  aide-whiskers,  while,  with  an  apolo- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  39] 

getic  "  One  moment,  I  beg,"  or  "  Very  odd,  very ;  that 
must  go  down  verbatim,"  he  entered  the  gist  of  Mr. 
Ketchum's  queer  remarks  in  his  note-book. 

On  the  following  morning  he  rose  with  Niagara  in 
his  soul.  He  had  more  questions  to  ask  at  the  break 
fast-table  than  anybody  could  answer,  and  was  eager  to 
be  off.  Mr.  Ketchum,  who  had  that  week  made  no  less 
than  fifty  thousand  dollars  by  a  lucky  investment,  was 
in  high  spirits.  Captain  Kendall,  who  had  been  allowed 
to  join  the  party,  was  vastly  pleased  by  the  prospect  of 
•mother  week  in  Ethel's  society.  Mrs.  Sykes  was  tired 
of  Fairfield,  and  longed  to  be  "  on  the  move"  again,  as 
she  frankly  said.  So  that,  altogether,  it  was  a  merry 
company  that  finally  set  off. 

The  very  first  view  of  "  the  ocean  unbound"  increased 
their  pleasure  to  enthusiasm.  Mrs.  Sykes,  without  res 
ervation,  admitted  that  it  was  "  a  grand  spot,"  and  felt 
as  though  she  were  giving  the  place  a  certificate  when 
she  added,  "  Quite  up  to  the  mark."  She  was  out  on 
the  Suspension  Bridge,  making  a  sketch,  as  soon  as  she 
could  get  there ;  she  took  one  from  every  other  spot 
about  the  place ;  and  when  tired  of  her  pencil,  she 
stalked  about  with  her  hammer,  chipping  off  bits  of 
rock  that  promised  geological  interest.  But  she  found 
her  greatest  amusement  in  the  brides  that  "  infested  the 
place"  (to  quote  from  her  letter  to  her  sister  Caroline), 
indulged  in  much  satirical  comment  on  them,  and, 
choosing  one  foolish  young  rustic  who  was  there  as  her 
text,  wrote  in  her  diary,  "  American  brides  like  to  go 
from  the  altar  to  some  large  hotel,  where  they  can  dis 
play  their  finery,  wear  their  wedding-dresses  every 
evening,  and  attract  as  much  attention  as  possible.  Tho 


392  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

national  passion  for  display  makes  them  delight  in  any 
thing  that  renders  them  conspicuous,  no,  matter  how 
vulgar  that  display  may  be.  If  one  must  have  a  fool's 
paradise,  generally  known  as  a  honeymoon,  this  is  about 
as  pleasant  a  place  as  any  other  for  it ;  and,  as  there  are 
several  runaway  couples  stopping  here,  and  the  place  is 
just  on  the  border,  this  is  doubtless  the  American 
Gretna  Green,  where  silly  women  and  temporarily- 
infatuated  men  can  marry  in  haste,  to  repent  at  leisure." 
Mr.  Heathcote  gave  his  camera  enough  to  do,  as  may 
be  imagined.  He  and  Sir  Eobert  traced  the  Niagara 
Eiver  from  Lake  Erie  to  Lake  Ontario,  and  photo 
graphed  it  at  every  turn,  made  careful  estimates  of  its 
length,  breadth,  depth,  the  flow  of  currents,  scale  of 
descent  to  the  mile,  wear  of  precipice,  and  time  neces 
sary  for  the  river  to  retire  from  the  falls  business  alto 
gether  and  meander  tranquilly  along  on  a  level  like 
other  rivers.  They  arrayed  themselves  in  oil-skin  suits 
and  spent  an  unconscionable  time  at  the  back  of  the 
Horseshoe  Fall,  roaring  out  observations  about  it  that 
were  rarely  heard,  owing  to  the  deafening  din,  and  had 
more  than  one  narrow  escape  from  tumbling  into  the 
water  in  these  expeditions.  They  carefully  bottled  some 
of  it,  which  they  afterward  sealed  with  red  wax  and 
duly  labelled,  intending  to  add  it  to  a  collection  of  sim 
ilar  phials  which  Sir  Robert  had  made  of  famous  waters 
in  many  countries.  They  went  over  the  mills  and  fac 
tories  in  the  neighborhood,  and  Sir  Robert  had  long 
confabs  with  the  managers,  of  whom  he  asked  permis 
sion  to  "jot  down"  the  interesting  facts  developed  in 
the  course  of  their  conversations,  surprising  them  by 
his  knowledge  of  mechanics  and  the  subjects  in  hand. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  393 

u  Man  alive !  what  do  you  want  with  those?"  said  he 
to  one  of  them,  a  keen-faced  young  fellow,  who  was 
showing  him  the  boiler-fires.  He  pointed  with  his  stick 
as  he  spoke,  and  rattled  it  briskly  about  the  brick- work 
by  way  of  accompaniment  as  he  went  on  :  "  Such  a 
waste  of  force,  of  money !  downright  stupidity  !  You 
don't  want  it.  You  don't  need  it,  any  more  than  you 
need  an  hydraulic  machine  tacked  to  the  back  of  your 
trains.  You  have  got  water  enough  running  past  your 
very  door  to — " 

"  I've  told  that  old  fool  Glass  that  a  thousand  times," 
broke  in  the  young  man  ;  "  but  if  he  wants  to  try  and 
warm  and  light  the  world  with  a  gas-stove  when  the 
sun  is  up  I  guess  it's  no  business  of  mine,  though  it  does 
rile  me  to  see  the  power  thrown  away  and  good  coal 
wasted.  If  I  had  the  capital,  here's  what  fd  do.  Here." 

Seizing  Sir  Eobert's  stick,  the  enthusiast  drew  a 
fondly-loved  ideal  mill  in  the  coal-dust  at  his  feet,  while 
Sir  Eobert  looked  and  listened,  differed,  suggested,  with 
keen  interest,  and  Mr.  Heathcote  gave  but  haughty  and 
ignorant  attention  to  the  talk  that  followed. 

"Yes,  that's  the  way  of  it;  but  Glass  has  lived  all  his 
life  with  his  head  in  a  bag,  and  he  can't  see  it.  I  am 
surprised  to  see  you  take  an  interest  in  it.  Ever  worked 
at  it  ?"  said  the  man  in  conclusion. 

"A  little,"  said  Sir  Robert  affably,  who  could  truth 
fully  have  said  as  much  of  anything.  "Who  is  this 
Glass  ?" 

"Oh,  he's  the  man  that  owns  all  this;  the  stupidest 
owl  that  ever  lived.  I  wish  he  could  catch  on  like  you. 
I'd  like  very  well  to  work  with  you,"  was  the  reply. 

"  A  bumptious  fellow,  that,"  commented  Mr.  Heath- 


394  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

cote  when  they  left.  "He'd  'like  to  work  with  you,' 
indeed!" 

"  A  fellow  with  ideas.  I'd  like  to  work  with  him," 
replied  his  uncle ;  "  though  he  isn't  burdened  with  re 
spect  for  his  employers." 

Miss  Noel  meanwhile  tied  on  her  large  straw  hat. 
took  her  cane,  basket,  trowel,  tin  box,  and,  followed  by 
Parsons  with  her  sketching-apparatus,  went  off  to  hunt 
plants  or  wash  in  sketches,  a  most  blissfully  occupied 
and  preoccupied  old  lady. 

To  Mr.  Ketchum's  great  amusement,  Miss  Noel,  Mrs 
Sykes,  and  Mr.  Heathcote  all  arrived  at  a  particular 
spot  within  a  few  moments  of  each  other  one  morning, 
all  alike  prepared  and  determined  to  get  the  view  it 
commanded. 

Miss  Noel  had  said  to  Job  en  route,  "  Do  you  think 
that  I  shall  be  able  to  get  a  fly  and  drive  about  the 
country  a  bit?  I  should  so  like  it.  Are  they  to  be 
had  there  ?" 

And  he  had  replied,  "  You  will  have  some  difficulty  in 
not  taking  '  a  fly'  there,  I  guess.  The  hackmen  would 
rather  drive  your  dead  body  around  town  for  nothing 
than  let  you  enjoy  the  luxury  of  walking  about  unmo 
lested.  But  I  will  see  to  all  that." 

Accordingly,  a  carriage  had  been  placed  at  their  dis 
posal,  and  they  had  taken  some  charming  drives,  in  the 
course  of  which  Parsons,  occupying  the  box  on  one  oc 
casion,  was  seen  to  be  peering  very  curiously  about  her 

"  A  great  pity,  is  it  not,  Parsons,  that  we  can't  see  all 
this  in  the  autumn,  when  the  thickets  of  scarlet  and 
gold  are  said  to  be  so  very  beautiful  ?"  said  Miss  Noel, 
addressing  her  affably. 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  395 

"Yes,  mem,"  agreed  Parsons.  "And  if  you  please, 
mem,  where  are  the  estates  of  the  gentry,  as  I  'ave  been 
lookin'  for  ever  since  we  came  hover  ?" 

"  Not  in  this  part,"  replied  Miss  Noel.  "  The  red 
Indians  were  here  not  very  long  since.  You  should 
really  get  a  pincushion  of  their  descendants,  those  mild, 
dirty  creatures  that  work  in  bark  and  beads.  Buy  of 
one  that  has  been  baptized :  one  shouldn't  encourage 
them  to  remain  heathens,  you  know.  Your  friends  in 
England  will  like  to  see  something  made  by  them :  and 
they  were  once  very  powerful  and  spread  all  over  the 
country  as  far  as — as — I  really  forget  where ;  but  I 
know  they  were  very  wild  and  dreadful,  and  lived  in 
wigwams,  and  wore  moccasins." 

"  Oh,  indeed,  mem !"  responded  Parsons,  impressed  by 
the  extent  of  her  mistress's  information. 

"  A  wigwam  is  three  upright  poles,  such  as  the  gyp 
sies  use  for  their  kettles,  thatched  with  the  leaves  of  the 
palm  and  the  plantain,"  Miss  Noel  went  on.  "  Dear  me  1 
It  is  very  odd  !  I  certainly  remember  to  have  read  that ; 
but  perhaps  I  am  getting  back  to  the  Southern  Ameri 
cans  again,  which  does  so  vex  Robert.  I  wonder  if  one 
couldn't  see  a  wigwam  for  one's  self?  It  can't  be  plan 
tain,  after  all :  there  is  none  growing  about  here." 

She  asked  Mabel  about  this  that  evening,  and  the 
tatter  told  her  husband  how  Miss  Noel  was  always  mix 
ing  up  the  two  continents. 

"  I  don't  despair,  Mabel.  They  will  find  this  potato- 
patch  of  ours  after  a  while,"  he  said  good-humoredly. 

But  he  was  less  amiable  when  Mrs.  Sykes  said  at 
dinner  next  day,  "  I  should  like  to  try  your  maize, 
"iuite  simply  boiled,  and  eaten  with  butter  and  suit.  I 


396  ON  BOTH  SI    ES. 

\m  told  it  is  quite  good,  really.     I  have  beard  that  tno 
Duke  of  Slumborough  thought  it  excellent." 

"  You  don't  say  so  !  I  am  so  glad  to  hear  it !  I  shall 
make  it  generally  known  as  far  as  I  can.  Such  things 
encourage  us  to  go  on  trying  to  make  a  nation  of  oui- 
selves.  It  would  have  paralyzed  all  growth  and  devel 
opment  in  this  country  for  twenty  years  if  he  had 
thought  it  'nasty,'  "  said  Job.  "Foreigners  caa't  be 
too  particular  how  they  express  their  opinions  about  us. 
Over  and  over  again  we  have  come  within  an  ace  of 
putting  up  the  shutters  and  confessing  that  it  was  no 
use  pretending  that  we  could  go  on  independently  hav 
ing  a  country  of  our  own,  with  distinct  institutions, 
peculiarities,  customs,  manners,  and  even  productions. 
It  would  be  so  much  better  and  easier  to  turn  ourselves 
over  to  a  syndicate  of  distinguished  foreigners  who  would 
govern  us  properly, — stamp  out  ice- water  and  hot  rolls 
from  the  first,  as  unlawful  and  not  agreeing  with  the 
Constitution,  give  us  cool  summers,  prevent  children 
from  teething  hard,  make  it  a  penal  offence  to  talk 
through  the  nose,  and  put  a  bunch  of  Bourbons  in  the 
White  House,  with  a  divine  right  to  all  the  canvas-back 
ducks  in  the  country.  There  are  so  many  kings  out 
of  business  .now  that  they  could  easily  give  us  a  bank 
rupt  one  to  put  on  our  trade  dollar,  or  something  really 
sweet  in  emperors  who  have  seen  better  days.  And  a 
standing  army  of  a  hundred  thousand  men,  all  drum- 
majors,  in  gorgeous  uniforms,  helmets,  feathers,  gold 
lace,  would  certainly  scare  the  Mexicans  into  caniptious 
and  unconditional  surrender.  The  more  I  think  of  it, 
the  more  delightful  it  seems.  It  is  mere  stupid  obsti 
nacy  our  people  keeping  up  this  farce  of  self-govern- 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  .{97 

ment,  when  anybody  can  see  that  it  is  a  perfect  failure, 
and  that  the  country  has  no  future  whatever." 

"  Oh,  you  talk  in  that  way ;  but  I  don't  think  you 
would  really  like  it,"  said  Mrs.  Sykes.  "Americana 
seem  to  think  that  they  know  everything :  they  are 
above  taking  any  hints  from  the  Old  "World,  and  get  as 
angry  as  possible  with  me  when  I  point  out  a  few  of 
the  more  glaring  defects  that  strike  me." 

"  I  am  surprised  at  that.  Our  great  complaint  is  that 
we  can't  get  any  advice  from  Europeans.  If  we  only 
had  a  little,  even,  we  might  in  time  loom  up  as  a  fifth- 
rate  power.  But  no :  they  leave  us  over  here  in  this 
wilderness  without  one  word  of  counsel  or  criticism,  or 
so  much  as  a  suggestion,  and  they  ought  not  to  be  sur 
prised  that  we  are  going  to  the  dogs.  What  else  can 
they  expect  ?"  said  Mr.  Ketchum. 

"  Husband,  dear,  you  were  very  sharp  with  my  cousin 
to-day,  and  it  was  not  like  you  to  show  temper, — at 
least,  not  temper  exactly,  but  vexation,"  said  Mabel  to 
him  afterward  in  mild  rebuke.  "  She  has  told  me  that 
you  quite  detest  the  English,  so  that  she  wonders  you 
should  have  married  me.  And  I  said  that  you  were  far 
too  intelligent  and  just  to  cherish  wrong  feelings  toward 
any  people,  much  less  my  people." 

"  Well,  if  she  represented  England  I  should  drop  Eng 
land  quietly  over  the  rapids  some  day  when  I  could  no 
longer  stand  her  infernal  patronizing,  impertinent  airs, 
and  rid  the  world  of  a  nuisance,"  said  Mr.  Ketchum, 
with  energy.  "  Excuse  my  warmth,  but  that  woman 
would  poison  a  prairie  for  me.  Fortunately,  I  happen 
to  know  that  she  only  represents  a  class  which  neither 
Church  nor  State  there  has  the  authority  to  shoot,  yet, 

34 


S98  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

and  I  am  not  going  to  cry  down  white  wool  because 
there  are  black  sheep.  Look  at  Sir  Robert,  and  Miss 
Noel,  and  all  the  rest  of  them,  how  different  they  are." 
Captain  Kendall  certainly  found  Niagara  delightful, 
for,  owing  to  the  absorption  of  the  party  in  their  differ 
ent  pursuits,  he  was  able  to  see  more  of  Ethel  than  he 
had  ever  done.  He  was  so  different  from  the  men 
she  had  known  that  he  was  a  continual  study  to  her. 
Instead  of  the  studied  indifference,  shy  avoidance,  shy 
advances,  culminating  in  a  blunt  and  straightforward 
declaration  of  "intentions,"  which  she  would  have 
thought  natural  in  an  admirer,  followed  by  transparent, 
honest  delight  in  the  event  of  acceptance,  or  manly  sub 
mission  to  the  inevitable  in  the  event  of  rejection,  Cap 
tain  Kendall  had  surprised  her  by  liking  her  immedi 
ately,  or  at  least  by  showing  that  he  did,  and  seeking 
her  persistently,  without  any  pretence  of  concealment. 
He  talked  to  her  of  politics,  of  social  questions  in  the 
broadest  sense,  of  books,  scientific  discoveries,  his  travels, 
and  the  travels  of  others.  He  read  whole  volumes  of 
poetry  to  her.  He  discoursed  by  the  hour  on  the  manly 
character,  its  faults,  merits,  peculiarities,  and  possibili 
ties,  and  then  contrasted  it  with  the  womanly  one,  trait 
for  trait,  and  it  seemed  to  her  that  women  had  never 
been  praised  so  eloquently,  enthusiastically,  copiously. 
At  no  time  was  he  in  the  least  choked  by  his  feelings  or 
at  a  loss  for  a  fresh  word  or  sentiment.  Such  romance, 
such  ideality,  such  universality,  as  it  were,  she  had 
never  met.  When  his  admiration  was  most  unbridled 
it  seemed  to  be  offered  to  her  as  the  representative  of  a 
sex  entirely  perfect  and  lovely.  Everything  in  heaven 
and  earth,  apparently,  ministered  to  his  passion  and 


OAT  THIS  SIDE.  399 

made  him  talk  all  around  the  beloved  subject  with  a 
wealth  of  simile  and  suggestion  that  she  had  never 

OO 

dreamed  of.  But,  if  he  gave  full  expression  to  his  agi 
tated  feelings  in  these  ways,  he  was  extremely  delicate, 
respectful,  reserved,  in  others.  He  wrapped  up  his 
heart  in  so  many  napkins,  indeed,  that,  being  a  prac 
tical  woman  not  extraordinarily  gifted  in  the  matter  of 
imagination,  she  frequently  lost  sight  of  it  altogether, 
and  she  sometimes  failed  to  follow  him  in  a  broad  road 
of  sentiment  that  (like  the  "Western  ones  which  Long 
fellow  has  described)  narrowed  and  narrowed  until  it 
disappeared,  a  mere  thread,  up  a  tree.  If  he  looked 
long,  after  one  of  these  flights,  at  her  sweet  English 
face  to  see  what  impression  he  had  made,  he  was  often 
forced  to  see  that  it  was  not  the  one  he  had  meant  to 
make  at  all. 

"Is  anything  amiss?"  she  asked  once,  in  her  cool, 
level  tone,  fixing  upon  him  her  sincerely  honest  eyes. 
"  Are  there  blacks  on  my  nose  ?"  Although  she  had 
distinctly  refused  him  at  Kalsing,  as  became  a  girl  des 
titute  of  vanity  and  coquetry  and  attached  to  some  one 
else,  she  had  not  found  him  the  less  fluent,  omnipresent, 
persuasive,  at  Niagara.  It  was  diverting  to  see  them 
seated  side  by  side  on  Goat  Island,  he  waving  his  hand 
toward  the  blue  sky,  apostrophizing  the  water,  the 
foliage,  the  clouds,  and  what  not,  in  prose  and  verse, 
quite  content  if  he  but  got  a  quiet  glance  and  assenting 
word  now  and  then,  she  listening  demurely  in  a  state 
of  protestant  satisfaction,  her  fair  hair  very  dazzling  in 
the  sunshine,  an  unvarying  apple-blossom  tint  in  her 
calm  face,  her  fingers  tatting  industriously  not  to  waste 
the  time  outright,  it  was  very  agreeable  in  a  way,  she 


400  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

told  herself,  but  something  must  really  be  done  to  get 
rid  of  the  man.  And  so,  one  morning  when  they 
chanced  to  be  alone,  and  he  was  being  unusually  ethe 
real  and  beautiful  in  his  remarks,  telling  her  that,  as 
Byron  had  said,  she  would  be  "  the  morning  star  of  mem 
ory"  for  him,  she  broke  in  squarely,  "  That  is  all  very 
nice ;  very  pretty,  I  am  sure.  But  I  do  hope  you  quite 
understand  that  I  have  not  the  least  idea  of  marrying 
you.  There  is  no  use  in  going  on  like  this,  you  know, 
and  you  would  have  a  right  to  reproach  me  if  I  kept 
silent  and  led  you  to  think  that  I  was  being  won  over 
by  your  fine  speeches.  You  see,  you  don't  really  want 
a  star  at  all.  You  want  a  wife ;  though  military  men, 
as  a  rule,  are  better  off  single.  I  do  thank  you  heartily 
for  liking  me  for  myself,  and  all  that,  and  I  shall  always 
remember  the  kind  things  you  have  done,  and  our  ac 
quaintance,  but  you  must  put  me  quite  out  of  your 
head  as  a  wife.  I  should  not  suit  you  at  all.  You 
would  have  to  leave  the  American  service,  and  I  should 
hate  feeling  I  had  tied  you  down,  and  I  couldn't  con 
tribute  a  penny  toward  the  household  expenses,  and, 
altogether,  we  are  much  better  apart.  It  would  not 
answer  at  all.  So,  thank  you  again  for  the  honor  you 
have  conferred  upon  me,  and  be — be  rather  more — like 
other  people,  won't  you,  for  the  future  ?  Auntie  fancies 
that  I  am  encouraging  you,  and  is  getting  very  vexed 
about  it.  Perhaps  you  had  better  go  away  ?  Yes,  that 
would  be  best,  I  think." 

Thus  solicited,  Captain  Kendall  went  away,  taking 
a  mournfully-eloquent  farewell  of  Ethel,  which  she 
thought  final ;  but  in  this  she  was  mistaken. 

Our  party  did  not  linger  long  after  this.     Sir  Eobert 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  401 

met  a  titled  acquaintance,  who  inflamed  bis  mind  so 
much  about  Manitoba  that  he  decided  to  go  to  Canada 
at  once,  taking  Miss  Noel,  Ethel,  and  Mr.  Heathcote ; 
Mrs.  Sykes  had  taken  up  on  her  first  arrival  with  some 
New  York  people,  who  asked  her  to  visit  them  in  the 
central  part  of  the  State, — which  disposed  of  her ; 
Mabel  was  secretly  longing  to  get  back  to  her  "  Amer 
ican  child,"  as  Mrs.  Sykes  called  little  Jared  Ponsonby  ; 
and  they  separated,  with  the  understanding  that  they 
should  meet  again  before  the  English  guests  left  the 
country,  and  with  a  warm  liking  for  each  other,  the 
Sykes  not  being  represented  in  the  pleasant  covenants 
of  friendship  formed. 

"  I  am  glad  that  we  have  not  to  bid  Ketchum  good- 
by  here,"  said  Sir  Eobert.  "  Such  a  hearty,  genial  fel 
low  !  And  how  kind  he  has  been  to  us !  His  hospitality 
is  the  true  one ;  not  merely  so  much  food  and  drink  and 
moneyed  outlay  for  some  social  or  selfish  end,  but  the 
entertainment  of  friends  because  they  are  friends,  with 
every  possible  care  for  their  pleasure  and  comfort,  and 
the  most  unselfish  willingness  to  do  anything  that  can 
contribute  to  either.  I  am  afraid  he  would  not  find 
many  such  hosts  as  himself  with  us.  Wo  entertain 
more  than  the  Americans,  but  I  do  not  think  we  have 
as  much  of  the  real  spirit  of  hospitality  as  a  nation. 
The  relation  between  host  and  guest  is  less  personal, 
there  is  little  sense  of  obligation,  or  rather  sacredness, 
on  cither  side,  and  the  convenience,  interest,  or  amuse 
ment  of  the  Amphitryon  is  more  apt  to  bo  considered, 
MS  a  general  thing,  than  the  pleasure  of  the  guest :  at 
least  this  has  been  growing  more  and  more  the  case  in 
the  last  twenty  years,  as  our  society  has  broken  away 
an  34* 


402  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

from  old  traditions  and  levelled  all  its  barriers,  to  the 
detriment  of  our  social  graces,  not  to  speak  of  our 
morals  and  manners.  As  for  that  charmingly  gentle, 
sweet  woman  Mrs.  Ketchum,  it  is  my  opinion  that  we 
are  not  likely  to  improve  on  that  type  of  Englishwoman. 
A  modest,  simple,  religious  creature,  a  thorough  gentle 
woman,  and  a  devoted  wife  and  mother.  My  cousin 
Guy  Rathbone  is  engaged  to  a  specimen  of  a  new  vari 
ety, — one  of  the  '  emancipated,'  forsooth ;  a  woman  who 
has  a  betting-book  instead  of  a  Bible  and  plays  cards 
all  day  Sunday.  He  tells  me  that  she  is  wonderfully 
clever,  and  that  it  is  all  he  can  do  to  keep  her  from  run 
ning  about  the  kingdom  delivering  lectures  on  Agnos 
ticism  ;  as  if  one  wanted  one's  wife  to  be  a  trapesing, 
atheistical  Punch-and-Judy !  And  the  fellow  seemed 
actually  pleased  and  flattered.  He  told  me  that  she 
had  'an  astonishing  grasp  of  such  subjects'  and  was 
'  attracting  a  great  deal  of  attention.'  And  I  told  him 
that  if  I  had  a  wife  who  attracted  attention  in  such 
ways  I  would  lock  her  up  until  she  came  to  her  senses 
and  the  public  had  forgotten  her  want  of  modesty  and 
discretion.  This  ought  to  be  called  the  Age  of  Fire 
works.  The  craze  for  notoriety  is  penetrating  our  very 
almshouses,  and  every  toothless  old  mumbler  of  ninety 
wants  to  get  himself  palmed  off  as  a  centenarian  in  the 
papers  and  have  a  lot  of  stuff  printed  about  him." 

"  I  see  what  you  mean,  Robert,"  said  Miss  Noel,  "  and 
it  certainly  cannot  be  wholesome  for  women  to  thirst 
for  excitement,  and  one  would  think  a  lady  would  shrink 
from  being  conspicuous  in  any  way  ;  but  things  are  very 
much  changed,  as  you  say.  And  I  agree  with  you  in 
your  estimate  of  the  Ketchums.  She  is  a  sweet  young 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  403 

thing,  and  I  heartily  like  him.  Only  think !  his  last  act 
was  to  send  a  great  basket  of  fine  fruits  up  to  my  room, 
and  quite  an  armful  of  railway-novels  for  the  journey. 
Such  beautiful  thought  for  our  comfort  as  they  have 
shown !" 

"He  is  rather  a  good  sort  in  some  ways,  but  a  very 
ignorant  man.  I  showed  him  some  of  my  specimens 
the  other  day,  and  he  thought  them  granitic,  when  they 
were  really  Silurian  mica  schist  of  some  kind,"  put  in 
Mrs.  Sykes,  who  never  could  bear  unqualified  praise. 
"  Still,  on  the  whole,  the  Americans  are  less  ignorant 
than  might  have  been  expected." 

"  J  consider  Mr.  Ketchum  a  most  kind,  gentlemanly, 
sociable,  clever  man,"  said  Miss  Noel,  with  an  emphatic 
nod  of  her  head  to  each  adjective,  "geology  or  no  geol 
ogy.  And  I  must  say  that  it  is  very  ungrateful  of  you 
to  speak  of  him  so  sneeringly  always." 

Sir  Robert  only  waited  to  write  the  usual  batch  of 
letters,  including  a  last  appeal  to  the  editor  of  the  "  Co 
lumbia  Eagle"  to  know  whether  he  intended  to  apologize 
for  and  publicly  retract  a  certain  article,  and  asking 
"  whether  it  was  possible  that  any  considerable  or  re 
spectable  portion  of  the  Americans  could  be  so  arbitrary, 
illiberal,  and  exclusive  as  to  wish  to  exclude  the  English 
from  America."  This  done,  he  left  for  Canada  with  his 
relatives.  With  his  stay  there  we  have  nothing  to  do. 
It  consumed  six  weeks  of  exhaustive  travel  and  study 
of  Canadian  conditions  and  resources,  resulting  ulti 
mately  in  the  conclusion  that  Manitoba  was  not  the 
place  he  was  looking  for.  The  ladies,  who  had  been 
left  in  Montreal,  were  then  taken  for  a  short  tour 
through  the  country,  which  they  all  enjoj'-ed,  after 


404  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

which  Sir  Eobert  asked  Miss  Noel  whether  she  would 
be  willing  to  take  Ethel  back  to  Niagara  and  wait  there 
a  fortnight,  or  perhaps  a  little  longer,  while  he  and  Mr. 
Heathcote  came  back  by  way  of  New  England  and 
from  there  went  down  into  Maryland  and  Virginia, 
where,  according  to  "  a  member  of  the  Canadian  Parlia 
ment,"  lands  were  to  be  had  for  a  song. 

"  A  fortnight  ?  I  could  spend  a  twelvemonth  there," 
exclaimed  she.  "  Had  it  not  been  that  I  was  ashamed 
to  insist  upon  being  let  oif  this  journey,  I  should  have 
stopped  there  as  it  was." 

To  Niagara  the  aunt  and  niece  and  Parsons  went,  as 
agreed,  and  there  they  found  Mr.  Bates  wandering  lan 
guidly  about  the  place  in  chronic  discontent  with  every 
thing  for  not  being  something  else.  He  had  burned  a 
good  deal  of  incense  on  Ethel's  shrine  when  she  was  at 
Kalsing,  and  now  hailed  their  advent  with  some  ap 
proach  to  enthusiasm,  and  attached  himself  to  their 
suite,  vice  Captain  Kendall,  retired.  He  liked  to  be 
seen  with  them,  thought  the  views  from  the  Canadian 
side  were  "  deucedly  fine,"  was  cruelly  affected  by  the 
advertisements  in  the  neighborhood,  which  he  de 
nounced  as  "  dreadfully  American,"  trickled  out  much 
feeble  criticism  of  and  acid  comment  on  his  surround 
ing8*  gave  utterance  to  fervent  wishes  that  he  was 
"  abrard,"  and  in  his  own  unpleasant  way  gave  Ethel 
to  understand  that  she  might  make  a  fellow-countryman 
happy  by  becoming  Mrs.  Samuel  Bates  if  she  liked  to 
avail  herself  of  a  golden  opportunity.  "  I  would  live 
in  England,  you  know.  I  am  really  far  more  at  home 
there  than  here,"  said  the  expatriated  suitor.  "  I  have 
been  taken  for  an  Englishman  as  often  as  three  times 


ON   THIS  SIDE.  405 

in  one  week,  do  you  know.  Curious,  isn't  it?  I  ought 
to  be  down  in  Kent  now,  visiting  Lady  Simpson,  a  great 
friend  of  mine,  who  has  asked  me  there  again  and  again. 
You  would  like  her  if  you  knew  her.  She  is  quite  the 
great  lady  down  there." 

"  A  foolish  little  man,  and  evidently  a  great  snob,  or 
else  rather  daft  upon  some  points,"  Ethel  reported  to 
her  aunt.  "  And  such  a  dull,  discontented  creature,  with 
all  his  money !"  Ethel  had  some  trials  of  her  own  just 
then,  and  it  was  10  great  felicity  to  listen  to  Mr.  Bates's 
endless  complaints,  nor  could  she  spare  much  sympathy 
for  the  sufferings  of  the  exile  of  Tecumseh,  with  his 
n>se-leaf  sensibilities,  inanities,  absurdities. 

Meanwhile,  the  young  gentleman  who  was  indirectly 
responsible  for  many  a  sad  thought  of  two  charming 
girls  that  we  know  of — and  who  shall  say  how  many 
more  ? — was  enjoying  as  much  happiness  as  ever  fell  to 
any  man  in  the  capacity  of  ardent  sportsman.  He  had 
joined  the  duke  and  his  party  at  St.  Louis,  and  from 
there  they  had  gone  "  well  away  from  anywhere,"  as 
he  said  in  describing  his  adventures  to  Mr.  Heathcote. 
He  had  at  last  reached  the  ideal  spot  of  all  his  wildest 
imaginations  and  most  cherished  hopes, — "  the  wild 
part," — really  the  great  prairies,  about  two  hundred 
miles  west  of  the  Mississippi  and  east  of  the  Rockies. 
The  dream  of  his  life  was  being  fulfilled.  He  related, 
'n  a  style  not  conspicuous  for  literary  merit,  but  very 
well  suited  to  the  simple  annals  of  the  rich,  how,  having 
first  procured  guides,  tents,  ambulances,  camp-equipage, 
they  had  pushed  on  briskly  to  a  military  fort,  where, 
having  made  friends  with  "  a  pleasant,  gentlemanly  set 
of  fellows,"  the  commanding  officer,  "a  friendly  old 


406  ON  BOTH  3IDES. 

buffer,"  had  courteously  given  them  an  escort  to  protect 
them  from  "  those  dirty  treacherous  brutes,  the  Indians." 
Not  a  joy  was  wanting  in  this  crowning  bliss.  The 
guide  was  "  a  wonderful  chap  named  Big-foot  Williams, 
so  called  by  the  Indians,  good  all  around  from  knocking 
over  a  rabbit  to  tackling  a  grizzly,"  with  an  amazing 
knowledge  of  woodcraft,  "  a  nose  like  a  bloodhound, 
an  eye  as  cool  as  a  toad's."  No  special  mention  was 
made  of  his  ear ;  but  the  first  time  he  got  off  his  horse 
and  applied  it  to  the  earth,  listening  for  the  tramp  of 
distant  hoofs  in  a  hushed  silence,  one  bosom  could 
hardly  hold  all  the  rapture  that  filled  Mr.  Ramsay's 
figurative  cup  up  to  the  brim.  And  the  tales  he  told 
of  savageness  long  drawn  out  were  as  dew  to  the 
parched  herb,  greedily  absorbed  at  every  pore.  A  por 
trait  of  "  Black  Eagle,"  a  noted  chief,  was  given  when 
they  got  among  the  Indians, — "  a  great  hulking  slugger 
of  a  savage,  awfully  interesting,  long,  reaching  step, 
magnificent  muscles,  snake  eye,  could  thrash  us  all  in 
turn  if  he  liked.  The  best  of  the  lot." 

Even  the  noble  red  man  was  not  insensible  to  the 
charms  of  this  graceful,  handsome  young  athlete  who 
smiled  at  them  perpetually  and  said  "  Amigo  !  amigo .'" 
at  short  intervals, — a  phrase  suggested  by  the  redoubt 
able  Williams  and  varied  occasionally  by  a  prefix  of  his 
own,  "Muchee  amigo!"  The  way  in  which  he  tested 
the  elasticity  of  their  bows,  inspected  their  guns,  the 
game  they  had  killed,  the  other  natural  objects  about 
them,  aroused  a  certain  sympathy,  perhaps.  At  any 
rate,  they  were  soon^  teaching  him  their  mode  of  using 
the  most  picturesquely  murderous  of  all  weapons,  and 
Black  Eagle  offered,  through  the  interpreter,  to  give 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  407 

him  a  mustang  and  a  fine  wolf-skin.  The  pony  was 
declined,  the  skin  accepted,  a  quid  pro  quo  being  be 
stowed  on  the  chief  in  the  shape  of  one  of  Mr.  Earn 
say's  breech-loaders,  a  gift  that  made  the  snake  eyet« 
glitter.  But  what  earthly  return  can  be  made  for  some 
friendly  offices  ?  Could  a  thousand  guns  be  considered 
as  an  adequate  payment  for  the  delirious  thrill  that  Mr. 
Eamsay  felt  when  he  shot  an  arrow  straight  through 
the  neck  of  a  big  buffalo,  and,  wheeling,  galloped  madly 
away,  like  the  hero  of  one  of  his  favorite  stories  ?  Was 
not  the  duke,  who  "  knew  a  thing  or  two  about  shooting" 
and  had  hunted  the  noble  bison  in  Lithuania,  almosu 
as  much  delighted  as  though  he  had  done  it  himself? 
Is  it  any  wonder  that  these  intoxicating  pleasures  were 
all-sufficient  for  the  time  to  Mr.  Eamsay?  Perhaps 
Thekla  would  have  been  forgotten  by  her  Max,  and 
Eomeo  would  never  have  sighed  and  died  for  love  of 
Juliet,  if  those  interesting  lovers  had  ceased  from  wooing 
and  gone  a-hunting  of  the  buffalo  instead.  Not  the 
most  deadly  and  cruel  pangs  of  the  most  unfortunate 
attachment  could  have  taken  away  all  the  zest  from 
such  an  occupation,  provided  they  had  had  what  the 
Mexican  journals  call  the  "corazon  de  los  sportsmans" 
Youth,  strength,  courage,  skill,  exercised  in  a  vagabond 
age  that  has  all  the  nomadic  charm  without  any  of  its 
drawbacks,  are  apt  to  sponge  the  old  figures  off  the  slate 
of  life,  leaving  a  teary  smear,  perhaps,  to  show  where 
they  have  been,  and  room  for  fresh  problems.  At  night 
over  the  camp-fire  Mr.  Eamsay  gave  a  few  pensive 
thoughts  to  the  girl  who  regularly  put  two  handker 
chiefs  under  her  pillow  to  receive  the  tears  that  welled 
out  copiously  when  she  was  at  last  alone  and  unob- 


408  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

served  after  a  day  of  virtuous  hypocrisy.  Poor  child ! 
The  pain  was  very  real,  and  the  tears  were  bitter  and 
salty  enough,  though  they  were  to  be  dried  in  due  time. 
If  he  had  known  of  them,  perhaps  he  might  have  kept 
awake  a  little  longer;  but  when  he  wasn't  sleepy  he 
was  hungry,  and  when  he  wasn't  hungry  he  was  tired, 
and  when  he  wasn't  tired  he  was  too  actively  employed 
to  think  of  anything  but  the  business  in  hand.  Hap- 
pil}T,  at  five-and-twenty  it  is  perfectly  possible  to  post 
pone  being  miserable  until  a  more  convenient  season ; 
and,  though  he  would  have  denied  it  emphatically  after-« 
ward,  he  certainly  thought  only  occasionally  of  Bijou 
at  this  period,  and  of  Ethel  not  at  all. 

Miss  Noel  heard  very  regularly  from  Mrs.  Sykes  all 
this  while ;  and  that  energetic  traveller  had  not  been 
idle.  She  had  made  her  new  friends  "  take  her  about 
tremendously,"  she  said.  She  had  seen  all  the  large 
towns  in  that  part  of  the  country,  and  thought  them 
"  very  ugly  and  monotonously  commonplace,  but  pros 
perous-looking, — like  the  inhabitants."  The  scenery 
she  had  found  "  far  too  uninteresting  to  repay  the  bothei 
of  sketching  it."  But  she  had  made  a  few  pictures  of 
"  the  views  most  cracked  up  in  the  White  Mountains," 
— where  she  had  been, — "  a  sort  of  second-hand  Switzer 
land  of  a  place ;  really  nothing  after  the  Himalayas, 
but  made  a  great  fuss  over  by  the  Americans."  She 
described  with  withering  scorn  a  drive  she  took  there. 

"  We  came  suddenly  one  day  upon  a  party  in  a  kind 
of  Cheap-Jack  van,"  she  wrote, — "  gayly-dressed  people, 
.tricked  off  in  smart  finery,  and  larking  like  a  lot  of  Eams- 
gate  tradesmen  on  the  public  road.  One  of  the  impu 
dent  creatures  made  a  trumpet  of  his  great  ugly  fist  and 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  409 

spelt  out  the  name  of  the  hotel  at  which  they  were 
stopping,  and  then  put  his  hand  to  his  ear,  as  if  to  listen 
for  the  response.  Expecting  me  to  tell  them  anything 
about  myself!  But  I  natter  myself  that  I  was  a  match 
for  them.  I  just  got  out  my  umbrella  and  shot  it  up  in 
their  very  faces  as  we  passed,  in  a  way  not  to  be  mis 
taken.  And — would  you  believe  it  ? — the  rude  wretches 
called  out,  '  The  shower  is  over  now !'  and  '  What's  the 
price  of  starch  ?'  and  roared  with  laughing."  A  highly- 
colored  description  of  "a  visit  to  a  great  Dissenting 
stronghold,  Marbury  Park,"  followed :  "  I  was  im 
mensely  curious  to  see  one  of  these  characteristic  na 
tional  exhibitions  of  hysteria,  ignorance,  superstition, 
and  immorality,  called  a  '  camp-meeting,'  to  which  the 
Americans  of  all  classes  flock  annually  by  the  thou 
sands,  so  I  quite  insisted  upon  being  taken  to  one,  though 
my  friends  would  have  got  out  of  it  if  they  could.  I 
fancy  they  were  very  ashamed  of  it;  and  they  had 
need  to  be.  I  will  not  attempt  to  describe  it  in  detail 
here, — you  will  hear  what  I  have  said  of  it  in  my 
diary, — but  a  more  glaringly  vulgar,  intensely  Ameri 
can  performance  you  can't  fancy.  I  have  made  a  num 
ber  of  sketches  of  the  grounds,  the  tents  and  tent-life, 
with  the  people  bathing  and  dressing  and  all  that  in 
the  most  exposed  manner ;  of  the  pavilion,  where  the 
roaring  and  ranting  is  done ;  and  of  the  great  revivalist 
who  was  holding  forth  when  I  got  there,  and  who  had 
got  such  a  red  face  and  seemed  so  excited  that  it  is  my 
belief  he  was  regularly  screwed,  though  my  friends  de 
nied  it,  of  course.  With  such  a  preacher,  you  can 
'realize,'  as  they  say,  what  the  people  were  like.  A 
regular  Derby-day  crowd  having  a  religious  saturnalia 
o  35 


410  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

— that  is  what  it  is.  It  would  not  be  allowed  at  home, 
I  am  sure.  Disgusting!  One  can't  wonder  at  the 
state  of  society  in  America  when  one  sees  what  their 
religion  is.  An  unpleasant  incident  occurred  to  me 
while  sketching  in  the  pavilion,  that  shows  what  I  have 
often  pointed  out  to  you, — the  radicalism  and  odious 
impertinence  of  this  people.  I  was  just  putting  the 
finishing-touches  to  my  picture  of  the  Eev.  f?)  '  Galusha 
Wickers'  (the  revivalist:  such  names  as  these  Ameri 
cans  have !),  when  I  heard  a  voice  behind  me  saying, 
'  Lor !  Why,  that's  splendid ! — perfectly  splendid !  Well, 
I  declare,  you've  got  him  to  a  t.  Lemmy  see.'  And,  if 
you  please,  a  hand  was  thrust  over  my  shoulder  and  the 
sketch  seized,  without  so  much  as  a  '  By  your  leave.' 
Can  you  fancy  a  more  unwarrantable,  insufferable  lib 
erty?  But  they  are  all  alike  over  here.  I  turned 
about,  and  saw  a  woman  who  was  examining  the  rev 
erend  revivalist  with  much  satisfaction.  'Well,  you 
have  got  him,  to  be  sure,'  she  said,  returning  my  angry 
glance  with  one  of  admiration,  and  quite  unabashed. 
'  What'll  you  take  for  it  ?  I've  sat  under  him  for  five 
years ;  and  for  taking  texteses  from  one  end  of  the 
Bible  to  the  other,  and  leading  in  prayer,  and  filling  the 
mourners'  bench  in  five  minutes,  I  will  say  he  hasn't 
got  his  equal  in  the  universe.  He's  got  a  towering 
intellect,  I  tell  you.  I'll  give  you  fifty  cents  for  this,  if 
you'll  color  it  up  nice  for  me  and  throw  in  a  frame.' 
Of  course  I  took  the  picture  away  from  the  brazen 
creature  and  told  her  what  I  thought  of  her  conduct. 
1  Well,  you  air  techy,"  she  said,  and  walked  off  leisurely." 
Before  closing  her  letter,  Mrs.  Sykes  remarked  of  her 
hostess,  "  Quite  good  for  nothing  physically,  and  a,b- 


Off  THIS  SIDE.  4H 

surdly  romantic.  She  has  been  abroad  a  good  deal,  and 
bores  me  dreadfully  with  her  European  reminiscences. 
She  is  always  talking  in  a  foolish,  rapturous  sort  of  way 
about  '  dear  Melrose,'  or  '  noble  Tintern  Abbey,'  or  '  en 
chanting  Warwick  Castle;'  and  she  has  read  simply 
libraries  of  books  about  England,  and  puts  me  through 
a  sort  of  examination  about  dozens  of  places  and 
events,  as  though  I  could  carry  all  England  about  in 
my  head.  I  really  know  less  of  it  than  of  most  other 
countries :  there  is  nothing  to  be  got  by  running  about 
it.  If  one  knew  every  foot  of  it,  everybody  would 
think  it  a  matter  of  course ;  but  to  be  able  to  talk  of 
Siam  and  the  Fiji  Islands,  Cambodia  and  Alaska,  and 
the  like,  is  really  an  advantage  in  society.  One  gets 
the  name  of  being  a  great  traveller,  and  all  that,  and  is 
asked  about  tremendously  and  taken  up  to  a  wonderful 
extent.  I  know  a  man  that  didn't  wish  to  go  to  the 
trouble  and  expense  of  rambling  all  over  the  world, 
and  wanted  the  reputation  of  having  done  it,  so  he 
went  into  lodgings  at  intervals  near  the  British  Museum 
and  got  all  the  books  that  were  to  be  had  about  a  par 
ticular  country,  and,  having  read  them,  would  come 
back  to  the  West  End  and  give  out  that  he  had  been 
there.  It  answered  beautifully  for  a  while,  and  he  was 
by  way  of  being  asked  to  become  a  Fellow  of  the 
lioyal  Geographical,  and  was  thought  quite  an  au 
thority  and  wonderfully  clever;  but  somehow  he  got 
found  out,  which  must  have  been  a  nuisance  and  spoiled 
everything.  I  can  see  that  these  people  consider  it 
quite  an  honor  to  have  me  visit  them,  all  because  of  my 
having  been  around  the  world,  I  dare  say.  And  of 
course  I  have  let  thorn  see  that  I  know  who  is  who  and 


412  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

what  is  what.  They  are  imploring  me  to  stay  on ;  but 
I  told  them  yesterday  that  it  wouldn't  suit  my  book  at 
all  to  stay  over  two  weeks  longer,  when  I  had  seen  all 
there  was  to  see.  That  young  Eamsay  seems  to  be  en 
joying  himself  out  there  among  those  nasty  savages ; 
and,  as  hunting  is  about  the  only  thing  he  is  fit  for,  he 
had  best  stay  out  there  altogether." 

The  unwritten  history  of  Mrs.  Sykes's  visit  to  Mar- 
bury  Park  would  have  been  more  interesting  than  the 
account  she  gave.  She  took  with  her  a  camp-chair, 
which  she  placed  in  any  and  every  spot  that  suited  her 
or  commanded  the  pictorial  situations  which  she  wished 
to  make  her  own  permanently.  To  the  horror  and  sur 
prise  of  her  friends,  she  plumped  it  down  immediately 
in  front  of  Mr.  Wickers  (after  marching  past  an  im 
mense  congregation),  and,  wholly  unembarrassed  by 
her  conspicuous  position,  settled  herself  comfortably, 
took  out  her  block  and  pencil,  and  proceeded  to  jot 
down  that  worthy's  features  line  upon  line,  as  though 
he  had  been  a  newly-imported  animal  at  the  "  Zoo"  on 
exhibition,  paying  no  attention  to  the  precept  upon  pre 
cept  he  was  trying  to  impress  upon  his  audience. 

She  walked  all  over  the  place  repeatedly,  went  pok 
ing  and  prying  into  such  tents  as  she  chanced  to  find 
empty,  nor  considered  this  an  essential  requisite  to  the 
conferring  of  this  honor.  When  less  sociably  inclined, 
she  established  herself  outside,  close  at  hand,  and  in 
this  way  made  those  valuable  observations  and  spirited 
drawings  which  subsequently  enriched  her  diary  and 
delighted  a  discerning  British  public.  But  this  is  an 
ticipating.  When  she  tired  of  New  York,  she  wrote  to 
Sir  Robert  that  she  wished  to  ijive  as  much  time  as 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  413 

possible  to  the  Mormons,  and  would  leave  at  once  for 
Salt  Lake  City,  where  she  would  busy  herself  in  laying 
bare  the  domestic  system  as  it  really  existed,  and  hold 
herself  in  readiness  to  join  the  party  again  when  they 
should  arrive  there  en  route  to  the  Yosemite. 

Sir  Eobert,  being  an  heroic  creature,  felt  that  he 
oould  bear  this  temporary  separation  with  fortitude, 
and,  being  about  to  start  for  Boston  when  he  got  the 
news,  forthwith  threw  himself  upon  the  New  England 
States  in  a  frenzied  search  for  all  the  information  to  be 
had  about  them, — their  exact  geographical  position,  by 
whom  discovered,  when  settled,  climate,  productions, 
population,  principal  towns  and  rivers.  He  studied 
three  maps  of  the  region  as  he  rattled  along  in  the 
south-bound  train,  and  devoted  the  rest  of  the  time  to 
getting  an  "outline  of  its  history :  so  that  his  nephew 
found  him  but  an  indifferent  companion. 

"  I  suppose  there  are  authorized  maps  and  charts, 
geographical,  hydrographical,  and  topographical,  issued 
by  the  government,  and  to  be  seen  at  the  librarie^ 
[  must  get  a  look  at  them  at  once.  These  are  amateur 
productions,  the  work  of  irresponsible  men,  contradict 
ing  each  other  in  important  particulars  as  to  the  rela 
tive  position  of  places,  and  inaccurate  in  many  respects, 
as  I  find  by  comparison,"  he  said,  emerging  from  a  pro 
longed  study  of  his  authorities.  "  You  don't  seem  to 
take  much  interest  in  all  this.  You  should  be  at  the 
pains  to  inform  yourself  upon  every  possible  point  in 
connection  with  this  country,  or  any  other  in  which 
you  may  find  yourself;  else  why  travel  at  all?" 

Mr.  Heathcote,  not  having  his  uncle's  thirst  for  infor 
mation,  was  reading  a  French  novel  at  the  time,  and  did 

3A* 


414  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

not  attempt  to  defend  his  position,  knowing  it  probably 
to  be  indefensible. 

Before  getting  to  Boston  the  air  turned  very  chill, 
and  a  fine,  penetrating  rain  set  in  that  for  a  while  dis 
turbed  the  student  of  American  history  with  visions  of 
rheumatism.     "  God  bless  my  soul !  I  shall  be  laid  by 
the  heels  here  for  weeks.     Damp  is  the  one  thing  that 
I  can't  stand  up  against.     And  I  have  not  left  my  coat 
out !"  he  exclaimed,  tugging  anxiously  at  his  side-whis 
kers  and  annoyed  to  find  how  dependent  he  had  grown 
on  his  valet.     "  "What  shall  I  do  ?     Ah  !     I  have  an  idea. 
Damp.     What  resists  it  and  is  practically  water-proof? 
Newspapers  /"    With  this  he  stood  up,  seized  the  "  Times" 
supplement,  made  a  hole  in  the  middle  of  the  central 
fold,  and  put  it  over  his  head.     "  Now  I  have  improvised 
a  South  American  serapa"  he  observed,  in  ~a  tone  that 
betrayed  the  pleasure  it  gave  him  to  exercise  his  in 
genuity.     He  then  took  two  other  sheets  and  succes 
sively  wrapped  them  around  his  legs,  after  the  fashion 
te  vogue  among  gardeners  intent  upon  protecting  valu 
able  plants  from  the  rigors  of  winter.     This  done,  he 
smoothed  down   the  serapa,  which   showed  a  volatile 
tendency  to  blow  up  a  good  deal,  and,  with  a  brief  com 
ment  to  the  effect  that  "  oil-skin  or  india-rubber  could 
not  be  better,"  and  no  staring  about  him  to  observe  the 
effect  of  his  action  on  the  passengers,  replaced  his  hat) 
sat  down,  picked  up  his  book  again,  readjusted  his  eye 
glasses,  and  went  on  with  the  episode  he   had  been 
reading  aloud  to  his  nephew,   who,  mildly  bored  by 
King  Philip's  war,  was  mildly  amused  by  the  spectacle 
the  baronet  presented,  and  surprised  to  see  that  their 
fellow-travellers  thought  it  an  excellent  joke.     A  loud 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  415 

"Haw!  haw!"  and  many  convulsive  titters  testified 
their  appreciation  of  the  absurd  contrast  between  Sir 
"Robert's  highly-respectable  head,  his  grave,  absorbed 
air,  and  the  remarkable  way  in  which  he  was  finished 
off  below  the  ears  ;  but  he  road  on  and  on,  in  his  round, 
agreeable  voice,  unconscious  of  the  effect  he  was  pro 
ducing,  until  the  train  came  to  a  final  stop,  when  Mi- 
Porter  and  a  very  dignified,  rigid  style  of  friend  ''amo 
into  the  car  to  look  for  him. 

"  My  dear  Porter,  I  am  delighted  to  see  you,  and  1 
shall  be  with  you  in  one  moment.  I  shall  then  have 
ceased  to  be  a  grub  and  have  become  a  most  beautiful 
butterfly,  ready  to  fly  away  home  with  you  as  soon  as 
ever  you  like,"  Sir  Robert  called  out  in  greeting,  and  in  a 
twinkling  had  torn  off  his  wrappers,  and  stood  there  a 
revealed  acquaintance,  carefully  collecting  his  "  traps,'' 
and  beaming  cheerfully  even  upon  the  friend  of  his 
friend,  who  had  not  come  to  a  pantomime  and  showed 
that  he  disapproved  of  harlequins  in  private  life. 

Mr.  Porter,  however,  was  all  cordiality,  and  very 
epeedily  transferred  his  guests  to  his  own  house  in  the 
vicinity  of  Boston. 

The  season  was  not  the  one  for  gaining  a  fair  idea  of 
the  society  of  the  city  and  neighborhood;  but  if  all  the 
people  who  were  away  at  the  seaside  and  the  mountains 
were  half  as  charming  as  those  left  behind  and  invited 
by  Mr.  Porter  to  meet  his  friends,  it  is  certain  that  Sir 
Eobert  lost  a  great  deal.  On  the  other  hand,  it  is 
equally  certain  that  if  they  had  been  at  home  Sir  Eob 
ert  would  most  likely  be  there  now,  and  this  chronicle 
of  his  travels  would  end  here.  As  it  was,  he  found 
something  novel  and  agreeable  at  every  step,  a  fresh 


416  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

interest  every  hour  of  his  stay.  He  began  at  the  be 
ginning,  and  promptly  found  out  what  kind  of  soil  the 
city  was  built  on,  went  on  to  consider  such  questions 
as  drainage,  elevation,  water-supply,  wharves,  quays, 
bridges,  and  worked  up  to  libraries,  museums,  public 
and  private  collections  of  pictures,  and  what  not.  Ho 
ordered  three  pictures  of  Boston  artists, — two  autumnal 
scenes,  and  an  interior,  a  negro  cabin,  with  an  hilarious 
sable  group  variously  employed,  called  "  Christmas  in 
the  Quarters."  Then  the  questions  of  fisheries,  maritime 
traffic,  coast  and  harbor  defences,  light-houses,  the  ship 
building  interests,  life-saving  associations,  and  railway 
systems,  pressed  for  investigation,  to  say  nothing  of  the 
mills  and  manufactories,  wages  of  operatives,  trades- 
unions,  trade  problems,  and  all  the  pros  and  cons  of  free 
trade  versus  protective  tariff.  Over  these  he  pondered 
and  pored  until  all  hours  every  night ;  and  the  diary 
had  now  to  be  girt  about  with  two  stout  rubber  bands 
to  keep  it  from  scattering  instructive  leaflets  about  pro 
miscuously  and  prematurely.  And  by  day  there  were 
sites  literary,  historical,  or  generally  interesting  to  be 
visited,  engagements  with  many  friends  to  keep,  endless 
occupations  apparently. 

There  was  so  much  to  see  and  do  that  the  place  was 
delightful  to  him,  and  he  certainly  made  himself  vastly 
agreeable  in  return  to  such  of  its  inhabitants  as  came 
in  his  way. 

"  I  have  added  to  my  circle  some  very  valuable  ac 
quaintances,  whom  I  shall  hope  to  retain  as  friends,"  he 
wrote  back  to  England,  "  notably  a  medical  man  who 
confirms  my  germ-propagation  theory  of  the  '  vomito,' 
which  is  now  raging  in  the  Southern  part  of  the  States 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  417 

(I  had  it,  you  remember,  on  the  west  coast  of  Africa, 
and  studied  it  in  the  Barbadoes), — an  exceptionally 
clever  man,  and,  like  all  such  men,  inclined  to  be  eccen-  * 
trie.  I  think  I  was  never  more  surprised  than  to  come 
upon  him  the  other  day  in  a  side-street,  where  he  was 
positively  having  his  boots  polished  in  public  by  a 
ragged  gamin  who  offered  to  '  shine'  me  for  a  '  dime ' 
lie  behaved  sensibly  about  it, — betrayed  no  embarrass 
ment,  though  he  must  have  felt  excessively  annoyed, 
made  no  apologies,  and  only  remarked  that  he  had  been 
out  in  the  country,  and  did  not  wish  to  be  taken  for  a 
miller  in  the  town. 

"  I  was  led  to  believe  before  coming  here  that  I  should 
not  be  able  to  tell  that  Boston  was  not  an  English  town. 
It  did  not  so  impress  me  on  a  surface-view,  but  it  was 
not  long  before  I  recognized  that  the  warp  and  woof  of 
the  social  fabric  is  that  of  our  looms,  though  the  pat 
tern  is  a  little  different, — a  good  sort  of  stuff,  I  think, 
warranted  to  wash  and  wear.  The  variation,  such  as  it 
is,  tried  by  what  I  call  my  differential  nationometer, 
gives  to  the  place  its  own  peculiar,  delightful  quality." 

The  rigid  gentleman  was  a  great  deal  at  the  Porters', 
and  proved,  when  thawed  out,  to  be  pleasanter  than  he 
looked, — rather  square  in  manner,  and  upright  and 
downright  to  the  point  of  dogmatism  sometimes,  but 
digestible,  on  the  whole,  to  a  man  of  catholic  constitu 
tion  and  kindly  temper  like  Sir  Robert.  The  process  of 
melting  into  good-fellowship  was  usually  one  of  from 
fifteen  to  twenty  years'  duration  with  the  Bostonian, 
but  somehow  he  was  no*  sooner  exposed  to  the  genial 
and  delightful  rays  that  radiated  from  the  baronet — the 
combined  effluence  of  a  rubicund  visage,  a  bright  mind, 
M 


418  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

and  a  cheerful  spirit — than  he  began  to  warm  up  in  a 
wonderful  way.  He  not  only  freely  contributed  his 
ideas  in  the  talks  the  three  gentlemen  enjoyed  daily 
over  their  cigars,  but  his  notions,  some  of  which  were 
not  without  originality.  For  one  thing  he  held  that 
the  English  tongue  in  the  American  mouth  was  heard  to 
better  advantage  than  anywhere  else.  It  was  the  Tus 
can  Romanized.  The  tongue  of  Shakespeare  would  owo 
its  preservation  to  the  Colonies  he  was  sure.  Mac- 
aulay's  New  Zealander  would  find  only  the  remains  of 
the  ancient  tongue  among  other  ruins.  The  descend 
ants  of  Maori  chiefs,  American  Indians,  Dutch  Boers, 
and  Hindoo  princes  were  to  become  the  conservators  of 
it.  In  this  connection  he  showed  what  the  United 
States  had  done  to  preserve  her  share  of  the  common 
heritage,  and,  by  way  of  illustration,  what  one  citizen 
of  the  great  republic  was  doing,  with  the  same  end  in 
view.  He  was,  indeed,  rather  inclined  to  insist  upon 
the  great  purity  and  beauty  of  his  own  English,  to 
which  he  repeatedly  invited  attention,  and,  as  Mr.  Earn- 
say  would  have  said,  "  went  in  for"  certain  philological 
refinements  which  Sir  Robert  had  never  heard  before, 
and  thoroughly  disliked.  But  as  there  are  more  Scotch 
men  in  London  than  in  Edinburgh,  and  better  oranges 
can  be  bought  for  less  money  in  New  York  than  in  New 
Orleans,  so  it  may  be  that  if  you  want  to  find  really  su 
perior  English  you  must  leave  England  altogether, — 
abandon  it  to  its  defective  but  firmly-rooted  patois,  and 
seek  in  more  classic  shades  for  the  well-spring  of  Saxon 
undefiled.  But  Sir  Robert  was*  not  inclined  to  do  this. 
There  were  limits  to  his  liberality  and  spirit  of  investi 
gation.  When  the  rigid  gentleman  instanced  certain 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  419 

words  to  which  he  gave  a  pronunciation  that  made 
them  bear  small  resemblance  to  the  same  words  as 
spoken  by  any  class  of  people  laboring  under  the  dip- 
advantage  of  having  been  born  and  bred  in  England, 
Sir  Robert  got  impatient,  and  testily  dismissed  the  sub 
ject  with,  "  Oh,  come  now !  I  can  stand  a  good  deal, 
but  I  can't  stand  being  told  that  we  don't  know  how  to 
speak  English  in  England."  Something,  however,  must 
be  pardoned  to  a  foreigner.  If  Sir  Robert  would  not 
consent  to  set  Emerson  a  little  higher  than  the  angels, 
as  some  other  Bostonians  could  have  wished,  and  had 
never  so  much  as  heard  of  Thoreau  and  other  American 
celebrities  not  wholly  insignificant,  he  had  an  immense 
admiration  for  Longfellow,  and  could  spout "  Hiawatha" 
or  "  Evangeline"  with  the  best,  associated  Hawthorne 

O  ' 

with  something  besides  his  own  hedges  in  the  month 
of  May,  and  was  eager  to  be  taken  out  to  Beverly 
Farms,  that  he  might  "  do  himself  the  honor  to  call 
upon"  the  wisest,  wittiest,  least-dreaded,  and  best-loved 
of  Autocrats.  When  the  day  fixed  for  his  departure 
came,  he  was  still  revelling  in  what  the  Historical  So 
ciety  of  Massachusetts  had  to  show  him,  and  actually 
stayed  over  a  day  that  he  might  see  the  finest  collection 
of  cacti  in  the  country,  and  at  last  tore  himself  away 
with  much  difficulty  and  lively  regrets,  carrying  with 
him  a  collection  of  Indian  curiosities  given  him  by  Mr. 
Porter,  whom  he  considered  to  have  behaved  "most 
handsomely"  in  making  him  such  a  present.  "  I  can't 
rob  you  outright,  my  dear  fellow.  I  feel  a  cut-purse, 
almost,  when  I  think  of  taking  all  these  valuable  and 
deeply-interesting  objects  illustrative  of  the  life  and 
civilian  lion  of  the  aborigines,"  he  said  to  his  bo?t  on  tho 


420  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

morning  of  his  departure.  "  Give  me  duplicates,  if  you 
will  be  so  generous,  but  nothing  unique,  I  insist."  lie 
finally  accepted  one  gem  in  the  collection, — a  towering 
structure  of  feathers  that  formed  "a  most  delightful 
head-dress,  quite  irresistibly  fascinating,"  tried  it  on 
before  a  mirror  that  gave  back  faithfully  the  comical 
reflection,  and  incidentally  delivered  a  lecture  on  the 
head-ornaments  of  many  savage  and  civilized  nations 
of  every  age,  though  not  at  all  in  the  style  of  the  famous 
Mr.  Barlow. 

Mr.  Heathcote  at  least  was  not  sorry  to  find  that  they 
were,  as  he  said,  "  booked  for  Baltimore."  The  image 
of  the  beautiful  Miss  Bascombe  had  not  been  effaced. 
Perhaps  he  had  photographed  it  by  some  private  pro 
cess  on  his  heart  with  the  lover's  camera,  which  takes 
rather  idealized  but  very  charming  pictures,  some  of 
which  never  fade.  At  all  events,  there  it  was,  very 
distinct  and  very  lovely,  and  always  hung  on  the  line 
in  his  mental  picture-gallery.  It  was  positively  with 
trepidation  that  he  presented  himself  before  her  very 
soon  after  his  arrival ;  and  an  undeniable  blush  "  man 
tled"  his  cheek — if  a  blush  can  be  said  with  any  pro 
priety  to  mantle  the  male  cheek — when  he  marched 
into  the  drawing-room,  where  she  was  doing  a  dainty 
bit  of  embroidery,  and  with  much  simplicity  and  direct 
ness  said,  "  You  said  I  might  come,  you  know,  and  I 
have  come ;  and  I  begged  of  Ethel  to  come  too,  but  she 
could  not  leave  my  aunt,"  before  he  had  so  much  as 
shaken  hands.  Of  course  no  well-regulated  and  well- 
bred  young  woman — and  Miss  Bascombe  was  both — 
ever  permits  herself  to  remember  any  man  until  she  is 
engaged  to  him;  but  she  need  not  forget  one  that  hps 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  421 

impressed  her  agreeably.  Miss  Bascombe  had  not  for 
gotten  the  handsome  Englishman  she  had  met  at  Jenny 
De  Witt's,  nor  the  little  lecture  she  had  given  him  on 
the  duties  of  brothers  to  sisters,  and  it  did  not  strike 
her  that  his  inaugural  address  was  at  all  eccentric  or 
mysterious.  He  had  been  told  what  he  ought  to  do , 
he  had  tried  to  do  it,  as  was  quite  right  and  proper.  He 
deserved  some  reward.  And  he  got  it, — though  only  as 
an  encouragement  to  abstract  virtue,  of  course.  The 
young  lady  was  pleased  to  be  friendly,  gracious,  charm 
ing.  Her  mother  came  in  presently,  was  equally 
friendly  and  gracious,  and  almost  as  charming.  Her 
father  came  home  to  dinner,  and  was  friendly  too,  and 
hearty,  and  very  hospitable.  Her  brothers  were  friend 
liest  of  all.  He  knew  quite  well  that  he  had  no  claim 
on  them,  that  he  had  not  saved  the  life  of  any  member 
of  the  family  or  laid  them  under  any  sort  of  obligation, 
individually  or  collectively,  and  no  reception  could  have 
seemed  more  special  and  dangerously  cordial,  yet  no 
anxieties  oppressed,  no  fears  distracted  him.  The 
weight  of  excessive  eligibility  suddenly  slipped  off  him, 
like  the  albatross  from  the  neck  of  the  Ancient  Mariner, 
leaving  him  a  thankful  and  a  happy  man.  In  a  week  he 
had  established  himself  firmly  at  the  Bascombes',  declined 
to  accompany  his  uncle  to  Virginia,  and  definitely  set 
tled  in  his  own  mind  that  he  would  take  the  step  matri 
monial, — the  step  from  the  sublime  to — well,  not  always 
the  ridiculous.  With  this  resolution  he  naturally 
thought  that  the  greatest  obstacle  to  success  had  been 
removed ;  but  he  was  soon  disillusionized.  He  had  al 
ready  come  to  see  that  American  girls  were  very  much 
in  the  habit  of  being  gracious  to  everybody,  and  saying 

36 


422  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

pretty  and  pleasant  things,  with  no  thought  of  an  here 
after;  also  that  they  did  not  live  with  St.  George's,  Ilan- 
over  Square,  or  its  American  equivalent,  Trinity  Church, 
New  York,  stamped  on  the  mental  retina.  Miss  Bas- 
combe  was  "  very  nice"  to  him,  he  told  himself,  but  she 
was  quite  as  nice  to  a  dozen  other  men.  She  was  uni 
formly  kind,  courteous,  agreeable,  to  every  one  who 
came  to  the  house.  Her  cordiality  to  him  meant  noth 
ing  whatever.  Yes,  he  was  quite  free, — free  as  air;  he 
saw  that  plainly,  and  perversely  longed  to  assume  the 
fetters  he  had  so  long  and  so  skilfully  avoided.  What 
was  the  use  of  having  serious  intentions  when  not  the 
slightest  notice  was  taken  of  the  most  compromising 
behavior?  It  was  true  that  he  was  perfectly  at  liberty 
to  see  more  of  Edith  than  an  Englishman  ever  does  of 
any  woman  not  related  to  him,  and  to  say  and  do  a 
thousand  things  any  one  of  which  at  home  would  have 
necessitated  a  proposal  or  instant  flight.  But  no  import 
ance  whatever  seemed  to  be  attached  to  them  here,  and 
he  was  utterly  at  a  loss  how  to  make  his  seriousness  felt. 
Yet  it  was  quite  clear  that  if  there  was  to  be  any  woo 
ing  done,  he  would  have  to  do  it, — go  every  step  of  the 
way  himself,  with  no  assistance  from  Miss  Bascombe. 
"  How  on  earth  am  I  to  show  her  that  I  care  for  her  ?" 
he  thought.  "  Other  men  send  her  dozens  of  bouquets, 
and  box  after  box  of  expensive  sweets,  and  loads  of 
books,  and  music  without  end,  and  they  come  to  see  her 
continually,  and  take  her  about  everywhere,  and  arc 
entirely  devoted  to  her.  I  wonder  what  fellows  over 
here  do  when  they  are  serious  ?  How  do  they  make 
themselves  understood  when  they  go  on  in  this  waj 
habitually  ?  It  is  a  most  extraordinary  state  of  affairs! 


OAT   THIS  yJDE.  423 

And  neither  party  seems  to  feel  in  tlie  least  compro 
mised  by  it.  There  is  that  fellow  Clinch,  who  fairly 
Hves  at  the  Bascombes',  and  when  I  asked  her  if  she 
was  engaged  to  him  she  said,  '  Engaged  to  George 
Clinch  ?  What  an  idea !  No.  What  put  that  in  your 
head  ?  He  is  a  nice  fellow,  and  I  like  him  immensely, 
but  there's  nothing  of  that  sort  between  us.  What 
made  you  think  there  was?'  And  when  I  explained, 
she  said,  '  Oh,  that's  nothing !  He  is  just  as  nice  to  lots 
of  other  girls.'  And  when  I  suggested  to  him  that  he 
was  attached  to  her,  he  said,  '  Edith  Bascombe  ?  Oh, 
no!  She  is  a  great  friend  of  mine,  and  a  charming  girl, 
but  I  have  never  thought  of  that,  nor  has  she.  I  go 
there  a  good  deal,  but  I  have  never  paid  her  any  marked 
attention.'  No  marked  attention,  indeed !  Nothing 
seems  to  mean  anything  here :  it  is  worse  than  being  in 
England,  where  everything  means  something.  No,  it 
isn't,  either.  I  vow  that  when  I  am  at  the  Clintons'  in 
Surrey  I  scarcely  dare  offer  the  girls  so  much  as  a  muffin, 
and  if  I  ask  the  carroty  one,  Beatrice,  the  simplest  ques 
tion,  she  blushes  and  stammers  as  if  I  were  proposing 
out  of  hand.  But  what  am  I  to  do?  I  can't  sing  and 
take  to  serenading  Edith  on  moonlit  nights  with  a  guitar 
and  a  blue  ribbon  around  my  neck.  I  can't  push  her 
into  the  river  that  I  may  pull  her  out  again.  I  dare 
say  there  is  nothing  for  it  but  to  adopt  the  American 
method, — enter  with  about  fifty  others  for  a  sort  of 
sentimental  steeple-chase,  elbow  or  knock  every  other 
fellow  out  of  the  way  in  the  running,  work  awfully 
hard  to  please  the  girl,  and  get  in  by  half  a  length,  if 
one  wins  at  all.  There  is  no  feeling  sure  of  her  until 
one  is  coming  back  from  the  altar,  evidently." 


424  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Some  of  his  conversations  with  Edith  were  certainly 
anything  but  encouraging.  At  other  times  he  felt  mor 
ally  sure  that  she  shared  that  derangement  of  the  bival- 
vular  organ  technically  defined  as  "  a  muscular  viscus 
which  is  the  primary  instrument  of  the  blood's  motion," 
whose  worst  pains  are  said  to  be  worth  more  than  the 
greatest  pleasures.  He  was  very  much  in  earnest,  and 
entirely  straightforward.  There  were  no  balancing  iu 
decisions  now,  but  the  most  downright  affirmation  of 
preference.  His  little  speeches  were  not  veiled  in  rosy 
clouds  of  metaphor  and  poetry  and  distant  allusions, 
like  Captain  Kendall's,  nor  did  they  flow  out  in  an  un 
failing  stream  of  romantic  eloquence,  like  that  gifted 
warrior's.  They  were  so  honest  and  so  clumsy,  indeed, 
that  Edith  could  not  help  laughing  at  them  merrily 
sometimes,  to  his  great  discomfiture,  consisting  as  they 
did  chiefly  of  such  statements  as,  "  You  know  that  I  am 
most  awfully  fond  of  you.  I  was  tremendously  hard 
hit  from  the  first.  If  you  don't  believe  me,  you  can  ask 
Ramsay.  I  told  him  all  about  it.  You  aren't  in  the 
least  like  any  other  girl  that  I  have  ever  known,  except 
Mrs.  De  "Witt  a  little.  I  suppose  you  know  that  I  would 
have  married  her  at  the  dropping  of  a  hat  if  I  coul^ 
have  done  so.  But  that  is  all  over  now.  I  care  an 
awful  lot  for  you  now,  and  shall  be  quite  frightfully  cut 
up  if  you  won't  have  anything  to  say  to  me, — I  shall, 
really.  I  have  got  quite  wrapped  up  in  you,  upon  my 
word.  And  I  shall  be  intensely  glad  and  proud  if  you 
will  consent  to  be  my  wife." 

When  Edith  failed  to  take  such  speeches  as  these  seri 
ously,  poor  Mr.  Heathcote  was  quite  beside  himself,  and. 
in  reply  to  her  bantering  accusations  as  to  his  being 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  425 

"  a  great  flirt"  and  not  "  really  meaning  one  word  that 
he  said,"  opposed  either  burly  negation  or  a  deeply- 
vexed  silence.  They  looked  at  so  many  things  differ 
ently  that  they  found  a,  piquant  interest  in  discussing 
every  subject  that  came  up. 

"  There  .go  May  Dunbar  and  Fred  Beach,"  she  said 
to  him  one  Sunday  as  they  were  coming  home  from 
church.  "  Isn't  he  handsome  ?  They  have  been  engaged 
three  years.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  such  constancy  ?" 

"  Do  you  call  that  constancy  ?  Why,  if  a  fellow  can't 
wait  three  years  for  a  lovely  girl  like  that,  he  must  be 
a  poor  stick.  Why,  my  uncle  Montgomery  was  engaged 
to  his  wife  seventeen  years,  while  he  went  out  to  India 
and  shook  the  pagoda-tree,  after  which  he  came  back, 
paid  all  his  father's  debts,  and  they  married  and  went 
into  the  house  they  had  picked  out  before  he  sailed," 
«aid  Mr.  Heathcote. 

"  Good  gracious !  what  a  time  !  I  hope  the  poor  thinga 
were  happy  at  last.  Were  they  ?"  asked  Edith. 

"  H-m — pretty  well.  He  is  a  rather  fiery,  tyrannical 
old  party.  She  doesn't  get  her  own  way  to  hurt,"  he 
replied. 

"  I  have  heard  that  Englishwomen  give  way  to  the 
men  in  everything  and  are  always,  voluntarily  or  invol 
untarily,  sacrificed  to  them.  It  must  be  so  bad  for 
both,"  said  Edith  sweetly. 

"  Oh,  you  go  in  for  woman's  rights  and  that  sort  of 
thing,  I  suppose,"  he  said,  in  a  tone  of  annoyance. 

"  Indeed  I  don't  do  anything  of  the  kind,"  replied  she, 
with  warmth.  "  If  I  did,  I  should  be  aping  the  men 
when  I  wasn't  sneering  at  them.  But  I  respect  your 
sex  most  when  they  most  deserve  to  be  respected,  and 


426  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

E  don't  see  anything  to  admire  in  a  selfish,  tyrannical 
man  that  is  always  imposing  his  will,  opinions,  and 
wishes  upon  the  ladies  of  his  household  and  expects  to 
be  the  first  consideration  from  the  cradle  to  the  grave 
because  he  happens  to  be  a  man." 

"  But  he  is  the  head  of  his  house.  He  ought  to  get 
his  own  way,  if  anybody  does,  and,  if  he  is  not  a  cow 
ard,  he  will,  too,"  said  Mr.  Heathcote  rather  hotly. 
"Would  you  have  a  man  a  molly-coddle,  tied  to  his 
wife's  apron-string,  and  not  daring  to  call  his  soul  his 
own?" 

"  Not  at  all,"  replied  Edith.  "  It  is  the  cowards  that 
are  the  tyrants.  'The  bravest  are  the  tenderest,  the 
loving  are  the  daring,'  as  our  American  poet  says.  And 
women  have  souls  of  their  own,  except  in  the  East. 
Why  shouldn't  they  be  the  first  consideration  and  do  as 
they  please,  pray?  They  are  the  weaker,  the  more 
delicate  and  daintily  bred.  If  there  is  any  pampering 
and  spoiling  to  be  done,  they  should  be  the  objects  of 
it.  And  as  to  rights,  there  is  no  divine  right  of  way 
given  to  man,  that  I  know  of.  I  don't  believe  in  that 
sort  of  thing  at  all.  Of  course  no  reasonable  woman 
ivants  or  expects  everybody  to  kootoo  before  her  and 
everything  to  give  way  to  her." 

"  And  no  gentleman  fails  to  show  a  proper  respect  for 
his  wife's  wishes  and  comfort,  not  to  mention  her  hap 
piness,"  said  Mr.  Heathcote.  "  But  of  course  that  sort 
of  thing  is  only  to  be  found  in  America.  Englishmen 
are  all  selfish,  and  tyrants,  and  domestic  monsters,  1 
know." 

"I  didn't  say  anything  of  the  kind,"  replied  Edith 
quickly,  her  cheeks  pink  with  excitement.  "  I  don't 


OJV  THIS  SIDE.  427 

Know  anything  about  Englishmen  or  the  domestic  sys 
tem  of  England,  and  1  Hover  expect  to.  But,  if  what 
I  have  heard  is  true,  it  is  a  system  that  tends  to  make 
men  mortally  selfish  ;  and  selfish  people,  whether  they 
are  men  or  women,  and  whether  they  know  it  or  not, 
are  all  monsters.  But  I  apologize  for  my  remarks,  and, 
as  I  am  not  interested  in  the  subject  in  the  least,  we  will 
talk  of  something  else,  if  you  please." 

This  very  feminine  conclusion,  delivered  loftily  and 
with  sudden  reserve,  left  Mr.  Heathcote  in  anything  but 
an  agreeable  frame  of  mind,  and  for  an  hour  or  two 
made  him  doubt  the  wisdom  of  international  mar 
riages  ;  but  this  mood  passed  away,  and  he  remained  a 
fixture  at  the  maison  Bascombe,  where  the  very  post 
man  came  to  know  him  and  generously  sympathized 
with  the  malady  from  which  he  was  suffering.  Nor 
was  this  the  only  house  in  which  he  was  made  very 
welcome.  Baltimore  is  one  of  many  American  cities 
that  suffer  from  the  vague  but  painful  accusation  of 
being  "  provincial ;"  but,  admitting  this  dreadful  charge, 
it  has  social,  gastronomic,  and  other  charms  of  its  own 
that  ought  to  compensate  for  the  absence  of  that  doubt 
ful  good,  cosmopolitanism.  Mr.  Heathcote  certainly 
found  no  fault  with  it,  and  did  not  miss  the  population, 
pauperism,  or  other  institutions  of  Paris,  London,  or 
Vienna.  On  the  contrary,  he  took  very  kindly  to  the 
pretty  place,  and  heartily  liked  the  people.  There  was 
nothing  oppressive  or  ostentatious  in  the  attentions  he 
received,  but  just  the  cordiality,  grace,  and  charm  of 
an  old-established  society 'of  most  refined  traditions, 
perfect  savoir-vivre,  and  chronic  hospitality. 

"  You  are  making  a  Baltimorean  of  me,  you  arc  so 


428  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

awfully  kind  to  me,"  he  would  say,  pronouncing  the  a 
in  Bal  as  he  would  have  done  in  sal ;  but  the  truth  was 
that  he  had  become  primarily  a  Bascomite  and  only 
very  incidentally  a  Baltimorean.  The  city  counts  hun 
dreds  of  such  converts  every  year.  He  was  so  happy 
and  entirely  content  that  he  would  have  quite  forgotten 
what  it  was  to  be  bored  just  at  this  period  but  for  cer 
tain  individuals, — a  boastful,  disagreeable  Irishman,  who 
fastened  upon  him  apparently  for  no  other  reason  than 
that  he  might  abuse  England  at  great  length  and  talk 
of  his  own  valor,  accomplishments,  and  "paddygree" 
(as  he  very  properly  called  the  record  that  established 
his  connection  with  Brian  Boroo  and  Irish  kings  gener 
ally),  and  a  lady  who  seemed  to  take  the  most  astound 
ing,  unquenchable  interest  in  the  English  nobility,  as 
more  than  one  lady  had  seemed  to  him  to  do,  to  his 
great  annoyance. 

"  I  don't  know  a  bit  about  them,  I  assure  you,"  he 
said  to  her ;  "  but  I  have  the  '  Peerage.'  If  you  would 
like  to  see  that,  I  will  send  it  you  with  pleasure." 

This  only  diverted  her  conversation  into  a  different 
but  equally  distasteful  channel, — the  great  distinction 
and  antiquity  of  her  own  family.  It  really  seemed  as 
though  she  had  a  dread  of  Mr.  Heathcote's  leaving  the 
country  with  some  wrong  impression  on  this  important 
subject  and  was  determined  that  he  should  be  put  in 
possession  of  all  the  information  she  had  or  imagined 
herself  to  have  about  it.  She  talked  to  him  about  it  so 
much  that  the  poor  man  was  at  incredible  pains  to  keep 
out  of  her  way. 

"  I  don't  care  a  brass  copper  about  her,"  he  complained 
to  Edith ;  "  and  if  the  family  has  been  producing  women 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  429 

like  her  as  long  as  she  says,  and  is  going  on  at  it,  all  I 
can  say  is  that  it  is  a  pity  they  have  lasted  this  long, 
and  the  sooner  they  die  out  the  better.  What  do  I 
care  about  her  family,  pray  ?  I  never  heard  as  much 
about  family  in  all  my  life,  I  give  you  my  word,  as  I 
have  done  since  I  came  to  America.  The  stories  told 
me  are  something  wonderful, — all  about  the  two  brothers 
that  left  England,  and  all  that,  you  know.  They  seem 
all  to  have  come  away  in  pairs,  like  the  animals  in  the 
ark.  I  said  to  one  fellow  that  was  beginning  with  those 
two  brothers,  '  Couldn't  you  make  it  three,  don't  you 
think  ?'  And  you'll  not  believe  me,  but  I  speak  quite 
without  exaggeration,  when  I  say  that  one  woman  out 
in  Raising  assured  me  gravely  that  she  was  descended 
from  the  houses  of  York  and  Lancaster!" 

"  She  didn't !"  exclaimed  Edith*  "  That  is,  if  she  did, 
she  must  have  been  crazy ;  and  I  won't  have  you  going 
back  to  England  and  giving  false  impressions  of  us  by 
repeating  such  stories.  Promise  mo  that  you  will  never 
repeat  it  there." 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right,"  he  replied  soothingly.  "  It's 
an  extreme  case,  I  grant,  and  I'll  say  no  more  about 
it  if  it  vexes  you,  but  it  is  a  true  tale  all  the  same. 
Howe  was  her  name,  I  remember ;  and  I  felt  like  say 
ing,  '  I'll  eat  my  hand  if  I  understand  Howe  this  can 
possibly  be,' — that's  in  the  Bab  Ballads, — but  I  didn't." 

Sir  Eobert  had  small  opportunity  of  making  acquaint 
ance  with  Baltimore.  He  was  very  eager  to  get  down 
into  Virginia,  and  stayed  there  but  two  days.  On  the 
second  of  these  he  attended  a  gentleman's  dinner-party, 
the  annual  mile-stone  of  a  military  society  composed 
of  men  who  had  worn  the  gray  and  marked  the  well 


430  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

known  tendency  of  tempus  to  fugit  in  this  agreeable 
fashion.  Their  ex-enemies  of  the  blue  were  also  there, 
but  not  in  the  original  overwhelming  numbers,  and  the 
battle  was  now  to  one  party,  now  to  the  other,  the  race 
to  the  best  raconteur,  rivers  of  champagne  flowed  instead 
of  brave  blood,  and  the  smoke  of  cannon  was  exchanged 
for  that  of  Havanas.  Sir  Eobert's  face  beamed  more 
and  more  brightly  as  the  evening  wore  on,  and  reminis 
cences,  anecdotes,  stories,  jests,  songs,  were  fluently  and 
cleverly  poured  out  in  rapid  succession  by  the  hilarious 
company.  The  fun  was  at  its  height,  when  he  suddenly 
leaned  forward  with  his  body  at  an  insinuating  angle 
and  smilingly  addressed  an  officer  opposite :  "  You  must 
really  let  me  say  that  I  have  been  delighted  by  all  that 
I  have  heard'  here  to-night,  and  appreciate  the  compli 
ment  you  have  paid  me  in  permitting  me  to  join  you. 
And  now  I  am  going  to  ask  a  great  favor.  Could  you, 
would  you,  give  me  some  idea  of  '  the  rebel  yell,'  as  it 
was  called?  "We  heard  so  much  about  that.  I  am 
most  curious  to  hear  it.  It  is  always  spoken  of  as 
perfectly  terrifying,  almost  unearthly  " 

The  gentleman  whom  he  addressed  looked  down  the 
table  and  rapped  to  call  attention  to  what  he  had  to  say  : 
"  Boys,  this  English  gentleman  is  asking  whether  we 
can't  give  him  some  idea  of  what  the  rebel  yell  is  like. 
What  do  you  say  ?  If  our  Federal  friends  are  afraid, 
they  can  get  under  the  table,  where  they  will  be  perfectly 
safe,  and  a  good  deal  more  comfortable  than  they  used 
to  be  behind  trees  or  in  baggage- wagons,"  he  called  out. 

A  hearty  laugh  followed,  and  their  blood  having  got 
bubbles  in  it  by  this  time,  a  general  assenting  murmur 
was  heard. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  43j 

The  next  instant  a  shriek,  sky-rending,  blood-curdling 
savage  beyond  description,  went  up, — a  truly  terrific 
yell  in  peace,  and  enough  to  create  a  panic,  one  would 
think,  in  the  Old  Guard  in  time  of  war. 

"  Thank  you,  thank  you.  /  am  entirely  satisfied," 
said  Sir  Eobert,  in  a  comically  rueful  tone,  as  soon  as  he 
^ould  say  anything  for  the  uproar.  "  I  never  imagined 
anything  like  it,  never.  Where  did  you  get  it  ?  Who 
invented  it?  Is  it  an  adaptation  of  some  war-cry  of 
the  North  American  Indians  ?  It  sounds  like  what  one 
would  fancy  their  cries  might  be,  doesn't  it  ?  It  has 
got  all  the  beasts  of  the  forest  in  it ;  and  I  confess  that 
I,  for  one,  would  have  fled  before  it  and  stayed  in  the 
wagons  as  long  as  there  was  the  slightest  danger  of 
hearing  it.  By  Jove !  it  must  have  been  heard  in  Bos 
ton  when  given  in  Virginia.  It  is  curious  how  very 
ancient  the  practice  of — " 

But  the  company  heard  no  more  of  curious  practices, 
for  their  yell  had  been  heard,  if  not  in  Boston,  in  a  far 
more  remarkable  quarter, — namely,  by  the  police,  who 
now  rushed  in,  prepared  to  club,  arrest,  and  carry  off 
any  and  all  disorderly  and  dreadful  disturbers  of  the 
peace. 

If  Sir  Robert  had  been  in  any  danger  of  being  mur 
dered,  all  experience  goes  to  show  that  no  policeman 
could  have  been  found  before  the  following  morning, 
and  then  only  in  the  remotest  part  of  the  city.  As  he 
was  merely  being  wined,  dined,  and  amused,  quite  a 
formidable  body  of  these  devoted  but  easily-misled 
guardians  of  respectability  and  innocence  poured  into 
the  room,  where  at  first  they  could  see  nothing  for  the 
smoke.  Matters  were  explained,  they  were  invited  to 


432  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

"take  something"  before  they  went,  and  took  it,  and. 
quite  placated,  filed  out  into  the  passage  again  and  from 
thence  into  the  street. 

Sir  Eobert  sat  up  late  that  night,  or  rather  begau 
early  on  the  following  day,  to  copy  the  stories  he  had 
most  relished  into  the  diary,  and  do  what  justice  he  could 
to  "  the  rebel  yell,"  and.  having  added  an  admirably  dis 
criminating  chapter  on  "  the  present  political  situation 
in  the  States,"  concluded  with,  "How  striking  is  the 
good  sense,  the  good  feeling,  that  both  the  conquerors 
and  the  conquered  have  shown,  on  the  whole !  In  other 
countries,  how  often  has  a  war  far  less  bloody  and  pro 
tracted  left  in  its  wake  evils  far  greater  than  the  origi 
nal  one,  in  guerilla  warfare,  murders,  ceaseless  revolt, 
and  smoldering  hatred  lasting  for  centuries  on  one  side, 
and  centuries  of  tyranny,  oppression,  executions,  confis 
cations,  on  the  other !  A  brave  and  fine  race  this,  not 
made  of  the  stuff  that  goes  to  keep  up  vendettas,  shoot 
landlords,  blow  up  rulers,  assassinate  enemies.  They 
can  fight  as  well  as  any,  and  they  have  shown  that 
they  can  forgive  better  than  most, — taken  together, 
true  manliness.  It  may  be  that  they  are  influenced  by 
a  consideration  which  is  said  to  be  always  present  to 
an  American, — '  Will  it  pay  ?'  and  of  course  so  practical 
a  people  as  this  see  that  anarchy  doesn't  pay ;  but  I 
would  rather  attribute  their  conduct  to  nobler,  more 
generous  motives,  and  in  doing  this  seem  to  myself  to 
be  doing  them  no  more  than  justice." 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  433 


IX. 


AMONG  the  inhabitants  of  the  United  States  there  are 
none  that  stand  so  firmly  on  the  national  legs  as  the  Vir 
ginians, — though  it  would  be  more  correct  to  contract 
this  statement  somewhat,  substituting  "  State"  for  "  na 
tional,"  since  it  has  never  been  the  habit  of  Virginians 
to  make  themselves  more  than  very  incidentally  respon 
sible  for  thirty-eight  States  and  ten  Territories  occupied 
by  persons  of  mixed  race,  numerous  religions,  objection 
able  politics,  and  no  safe  views  about  so  much  as  the 
proper  way  to  make  mint-juleps.  When  Sir  Robert 
presented  himself  one  day  at  the  door  of  a  fine  old 
house  belonging  to  the  golden  age  of  ante-bellum  pros 
perity  in  Caroline  County,  he  was  received  by  two  of 
the  most  English  Englishmen  to  be  found  on  this  planet, 
in  the  persons  of  Mr.  Edmund  and  Mr.  Gregory  Aglonby, 
brothers,  bachelors,  and  joint-heirs  of  the  property  he 
had  come  to  look  at.  These  gentlemen  received  him 
with  a  dignity  and  antique  courtesy  irresistibly  sug 
gestive  of  bagwigs,  short  swords,  and  aristocratic  in 
stitutions  generally,  a  courtesy  largely  mingled  with 
restrained  severity  and  unspoken  suspicion  until  his 
identity  had  been  fully  established  by  the  letters  of 
introduction  he  had  brought,  his  position  defined,  and 
his  mission  in  Caroline  clearly  set  forth.  An  English 
man  out  of  England  was  a  fact  to  be  accounted  for,  not 
imprudently  accepted  without  due  inquiry;  but,  this 
done,  the  law  and  traditions  of  hospitality  began  to 


434  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

alleviate  the  situation  and  temper  justice  with  mercy 
The  lady  of  the  house  was  sent  for,  and  proved  to  be  a 
wonderfully  pretty  old  lady,  who  might  have  just  got 
out  of  a  sedan-chair,  whose  manner  was  even  finer  and 
statelier  than  that  of  her  brothers  (diminutive  as  she 
was  in  point  of  mere  inches),  and  who  executed  a 
tremendous  courtesy  when  Sir  Robert  was  presented. 
"  An  English  gentleman  travelling  in  this  country  foi 
pleasure,  and  desirous  of  seeing  'Heart's  Content.' 
Anne  Buller,"  explained  the.  elder  brother.  Miss  Ag- 
lonby's  face,  which  had  worn  a  look  of  mild  interest 
during  the  first  part  of  this  speech,  clouded  perceptibly 
at  its  close.  She  murmured  some  mechanical  speech  of 
welcome  in  an  almost  inaudible  voice,  and  sat  down  in 
a  rigid  and  uncompromising  fashion,  while  her  heart 
contracted  painfully.  A  gentleman  to  look  at  the  place : 
there  had  been  several  such  in  the  last  year,  who  had 
come,  and  seen,  and  objected  to  the  price,  and  ridden 
away  again ;  but  perhaps  this  one  might  not  ride  away, 
and  the  uneasy  thought  tormented  her  throughout  the 
conversation  that  followed.  The  brothers,  meanwhile, 
had  quite  accepted  Sir  Robert,  and  had  insisted,  with  a 
calm,  authoritative  air,  on  sending  for  his  "  travelling 
impedimenta,"  which  had  been  deposited  at  the  hotel 
in  a  neighboring  town,  and  had  expressed  a  lofty  hope 
that  he  would  do  them  the  honor  to  consider  himself 
their  guest. 

"  The  res  angusta  domi  will  not  permit  us  to  entertain 
you  in  a  manner  befitting  your  rank  and  in  consonance 
with  our  wishes,"  said  Mr.  Edmund  Aglonby,  in  his 
representative  capacity  as  head  of  the  family,  "  but, 
that  consideration  waived,  I  need  not  say  that  we  shall 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  435 

esteem  it  an  honor  and  a  pleasure  to  have  you  domesti 
cated  beneath  this  roof  as  long  as  you  find  any  satisfac 
tion  in  remaining." 

"  It  was  not  my  idea,  certainly,  to  intrude  upon  you 
here,  but  rather  to  treat  with  your  solicitor  in  this  mat 
ter  ;  but  if  you  find  it  more  agreeable  to  set  him  aside, 
which  between  gentlemen  is  usually  altogether  more 
satisfactory,  and  will,  in  addition,  allow  me  to  become 
your  guest  for  a  few  days,  I  can  only  say  that  I  shall 
be  delighted  to  accept  your  kind  hospitality,"  replied 
Sir  Eobert. 

"  Brother  Gregory,  will  you  see  that  our  guest's  effects 
are  at  once  transferred  to  his  room  here?"  said  Mr. 
Aglonby,  half  turning  in  his  chair  and  giving  a  graceful 
wave  with  one  of  his  long,  shapely  hands  toward  the 
door,  after  which  he  bowed  with  dignified  grace  to  Sir 
Robert,  and  said,  "  Your  decision  gives  us  great  satis 
faction,  sir."  Mr.  Gregory  Aglonby  confirmed  thie 
statement  in  Johnsonian  periods  before  he  left,  and  tiny 
Miss  Aglonby  expressed  herself  as  became  a  lady  who 
had  been  receiving  guests  in  that  very  room  for  fifty 
years  with  stiff  but  genuine  courtesy.  The  atmosphere 
was  so  familiar  to  Sir  Robert  that  he  could  scarcely  be 
lieve  himself  to  be  in  an  American  household.  Could 
this  be  the  American  type  of  his  dreams  ?  Was  there 
ever  a  country  in  which  the  scenes  shifted  so  completely 
with  a  few  hours  or  days  of  travel  ?  "  If  this'  goes  on, 
America  will  mean  everything,  anything,  to  mo,"  he 
thought.  "  When  I  hear  of  a  Frenchman,  or  German, 
or  Italian,  I  have  some  idea  of  what  I  shall  find;  but 
it  is  not  so  here  at  all.  This  Mr.  Aglonby  is  quite  evi 
dently  a  gentleman,  and  a  high-bred  one;  but  so  was 


436  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Porter  in  Boston,  and  Colonel  De  Witt,  and  those  Bal 
timore  fellows ;  yet  how  different  they  all  are !  These 
men  remind  me  more  of  my  grandfather  and  my  great- 
uncles  than  any  Englishman  of  the  present  day.  Per 
haps  they  are  English.  I'll  ask.  Who  would  ever  sup 
pose  them  to  be  countrymen  of  Ketchum's  ?" 

After  dinner, — and  you  may  be  sure  the  dinner  was 
a  good  one,  for  Miss  Aglonby  was  one  of  a  generation 
of  women  whose  knowledge  of  housewifely  arts  was 
such  that,  shut  up  in  a  light-house  or  wrecked  on  a 
desert  island,  they  would  have  made  shift  to  get  a  nice 
meal  somehow,  even  if  they  could  not  have  served  it, 
as  she  did,  off  old  china  and  graced  it  with  old  silver, — 
after  dinner,  then,  a  long  and  pleasant  evening  set  in, 
with  no  thought  or  talk  of  business-matters.  Sir  Eobert 
was  charmed  with  his  new  acquaintances,  and  not  less 
by  the  matter  than  by  the  manner  of  their  conversation. 
Did  they  talk  of  travels,  Mr.  Aglonby  "  liked  to  read 
books  of  adventure,"  but  had  never  been  out  of  the 
State  of  Virginia,  and  had  no  wish  to  go  anywhere. 
He  deplored  his  fate  in  being  compelled  at  his  age  to 
leave  it  permanently  and  take  up  his  residence  in  Florida, 
where  his  physician  was  sending  him.  He  talked  of 
"  Mr.  Pope"  and  "  Mr.  Addison,"  quoted  Milton  and  the 
Latin  classics,  and  had  chanced  upon  "  a  modern  work 
lately,  by  a  wi-iter  named  Thackeray,"  "  Henry  Esmond," 
which  had  pleased  him  extremely.  On  hearing  this,  Sir 
Eobert  took  occasion  to  ask  him  whether  he  liked  any 
of  the  writings  of  this  and  that  New-England  author 
of  the  day,  about  whom  he  had  been  hearing  a  great 
deal  since  his  arrival  in  the  country,  and  Mr.  Aglonby 
replied,  with  perfect  truth,  that  he  had  "  never  heard 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  437 

of  them,"  though  he  added  that  Irving  and  Cooper,  the 
latest  additions  to  his  library,   were,  in  his  opinion, 
"  writers  of  merit."     In  politics  Mr.  Aglonby  declared 
himself  the  champion  of  a  defunct  party, — the  "old-lino 
Whigs," — and  explained  "  the  levelling,  agrarian  ten 
dencies  of  Tom  Jefferson"  and  the  result  of  his  policy, 
which  had  been  "  to  eliminate  the  gentleman  from  poli 
tics."    Mr.  Gregory  Aglonby  spoke  with  regretful  emo 
tion  of  that  period  of  the  history  of  Virginia  in  which 
her  local  magistrates  had   managed  county  affairs  in 
such  a  way  as  to  secure  her  "  safety,  honor,  and  wel 
fare,"  when  universal   suffrage   had   not   ''cursed   the 
country  with  ignorance  and  incompetence,  legally  es 
tablished  at  present,  indeed,  but  sure  to  be  supplemented 
by  a  property  or  educational  test  eventually."     In  re 
ligion  they  were  what  "  the  Aglonbys  had  always  been, 
— attached  adherents  of  the  Episcopal  Church  in  this 
country,  as  of  the  Establishment  in  England."     Quite 
early  in  the  evening  Sir  Eobert   had   propounded  his 
question  as  to  their  nationality.     "  Are  you  an  Ameri 
can  ?"  he  had  asked  the  elder  of  the  two  gentlemen, 
and  both  had  replied,  "  We  are  Virginians,"  in  accents 
that  werb  eloquent  of  love  and  pride. 

"  Upon  my  word,  if  I  were  asked  what  your  nation 
ality  was,  I  should  say  that  you  were  English,"  re 
marked  Sir  Eobert,  feeling  that  he  was  making  what 
they  must  see  was  a  handsome  concession.  But  he  was 
not  talking  to  a  Sam  Bates  now.  Mr.  Edmund  Aglonby 
regarded  him  with  a  reserved  air,  as  if  he  had  said 
something  rather  flippant. 

Mr.  Gregory  said  gravely,  "You  doubtless  moan  it 
kindly,  but  we  would  prefer  to  bo  thought  what  we  aro, 

37* 


438  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

— Virginians.  Not  that  we  are  ashamed  of  our  parent 
stock,  but  Anne  Buller  here  is  the  seventh  of  the  name 
born  in  this  country,  and  it  is  only  natural  that  we 
should  be  completely  identified  with-  it.  Unworthy  as 
we  are  to  represent  it,  we  are  Virginians."  That  any 
body  could  be  more  than  a  Virginian  had  never  crossed 
Mr.  Aglonby's  mind ;  but  it  should  be  said,  in  defence 
of  what  many  regard  as  an  exaggerated  State  pride, 
that  to  such  men  to  be  less  than  a  Virginian  (that  is,  an 
embodiment  of  the  virtues  represented  to  them  by  the 
title)  is  equally  impossible. 

Whist  was  now  proposed,  and  played  by  the  light  of 
two  candles  in  old-fashioned  candlesticks,  that  towered 
high  enough  to  allow  mild  yellow  rays  to  illuminate  a 
vast  expanse  of  bald  head  belonging  to  Mr.  Gregory, 
and  made  the  dark  sheen  of  the  polished  mahogany 
table  dimly  visible  beneath.  An  oil-lamp  on  the  high 
mantel-shelf  enabled  Sir  Robert  to  get  a  ghostly  impres 
sion  of  the  large,  bare  room  in  which  they  were  sitting, 
— the  high  ceilings,  the  black-looking  floors  fading  away 
into  grewsome  corners,  the  spindle-legged  furniture  that 
had  no  idea  of  accommodating  itself  to  a  lolling,  man 
nerless  generation,  and  loomed  up  in  some  occasional 
piece  in  a  threatening  sort  of  way, — solid,  massive,  dig 
nified  furniture,  conscious  of  its  obligations  to  society 
and  ready  to  fulfil  them  to  the  very  end,  however  little 
a  frivolous  and  degenerate  world  might  be  worthy  of 
such  accessories.  More  than  once  in  the  pauses  of  the 
game  Sir  Robert's  eyes  wandered  to  the  pictures,  of 
which  there  were  a  number,  all  portraits,  two  being 
half  discernible, — a  young  matron  in  ruby  velvet  and 
pearls,  with  hair  dressed  in  a  pyramid,  a  coach-and-six 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  439 

in  court-plaster  stuck  on  a  snowy  forehead,  and  eyes 
that  would  have  laughed  anybody  into  a  good  humor ; 
and,  opposite,  a  gentleman  of  the  pursiest,  puniest, 
most  prosperous  description,  the  husband  of  the  young 
matron,  and  so  evidently  high-tempered,  dull,  and  ob 
stinate,  that  he  must  have  brought  many  a  tear  into 
the  laughing  eyes. 

"  A  handsome  woman,  that,"  ho  said,  after  one  of 
these  moments  of  inattention,  "  and  a  good  picture." 

"  It  is  an  ancestress  of  ours  on  the  distaff  side, — Lady 
Philippa  Yane, — and  is  accounted  a  Lely. — Brother 
Gregory,  if  you  will  have  the  kindness  to  cut  the  cards* 
we  can  proceed  with  our  game. — The  other  is  her  hus 
band  and  cousin,  a  man  of  rank  and  large*property  but 
incurably  vicious  propensities,  to  whom  we  are  rather 
fond  of  attributing  certain  follies  and  weaknesses  in  his 
descendants,  and  who  we  could  wish  had  laid  to  heart 
the  maxim,  '  Nobilitatis  virtus  non  stemma  character.1 
They  were  of  the  Vanes  of  Huddlesford,"  said  Mr, 
Aglonby. 

<;  Ah,"  said  Sir  Eobert,  "you  suppose  yourself  to  have 
some  connection  with  the  Huddlesford  Vanes  ?" 

Mr.  Aglonby's  white  tufted  brows  arched  themselves 
in  surprise  above  his  dark  eyes  at  the  question,  and 
there  was  a  little  more  dignified  reserve  than  before  in 
his  voice  and  manner  as  he  said,  "  Descent  and  alliance 
are  not  matters  of  supposition  in  Virginia,  but  of  record. 
— Anne  Buller,  I  beg  your  forgiveness  for  having  inad 
vertently  revoked.  My  memory  is  really  growing  too 
treacherous  to  permit  of  my  long  enjoying  this  diver 
sion,  however  great  the  horrors  of  an  old  age  without 
cards  may  be." 


440  ON  BOTH  SJJDES. 

The  deferential  courtesy  paid  to  Miss  Aglonby  by  her 
brothers  was  the  most  remarkable  feature  of  the  game 
to  Sir  Eobert,  and,  when  it  was  over,  the  first  thought 
of  both  was  to  place  a  chair  for  her  in  the  corner  she 
generally  occupied.  They  were  not  in  haste, — it  was 
impossible  to  associate  the  idea  of  hurry  or  flurry  with 
either  of  them, — but  somehow  there  was  a  little  collision 
between  them  in  doing  this,  followed  by  formal  bows 
and  elaborate  mutual  apologies,  which  were  broken  in 
upon  by  Miss  Aglonby's  low  voice,  saying,  "Brother 
Edmund,  I  feared  that  you  had  slipped  again. — He  sus 
tained  a  grave  injury  in  that  way  last  winter"  (this  to 
Sir  Eobert),  "gnd  I  am  always  afraid  that  the  disastrous 
experience  may  be  repeated. — Brother  Gregory,  I  thank 
you.  I  am  entirely  comfortable,  and  I  beg  that  you  will 
be  seated  now.  Perhaps  our  guest  will  do  us  the  favoi 
to  resume  the  very  instructive  and  entertaining  dis 
course  with  which  he  was  beguiling  us  earlier  in  the 
evening." 

Thus  adjured,  Sir  Eobert  proceeded  to  instruct  and 
entertain,  with  such  success  that  all  three  of  his  com 
panions  were  charmed,  though  they  gave  no  frivolous 
evidences  of  it,  such  as  laughing  heartily,  interrupting 
him  to  interject  phrases  or  opinions  into  the  "  discourse," 
or  replying  in  an  animated  strain.  They  listened  with 
intelligent  seriousness  to  what  he  had  to  say,  weighed 
it  apparently,  replied  to  it  with  gravity,  responded  to 
some  jest  with  a  smile ;  but,  although  they  were  not 
people  to  approve  of  crackling  thorns  under  a  pot,  or 
any  form  of  folly,  they  were,  in  their  way,  appreciative 
of  the  culture,  humor,  and  insight  he  showed.  Mr. 
Aglonby  begged  to  be  favored  with  his  "  observations" 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  441 

on  America,  and  added  that  "  the  dispassionate  reflec- 
tions  of  an  intelligent  foreigner  should  be  esteemed  of 
the  utmost  value  by  all  judicious  patriots  and  enlight 
ened  political  economists,  calling  attention,  as  they  often 
did,  to  evils  and  dangers  whose  existence  had  not  been 
previously  suspected."  Mr.  Gregory  Aglonby  wished 
to  hear  more  of  his  travels  among  "  that  God-forsaken 
people  the  French."  Miss  Aglonby  was  eager  to  know 
more  of  the  England  of  "  Bracebridge  Hall." 

When  bedtime  came  at  last  ("  the  proper  season  for 
repose,"  dear  old  Anne  Buller  called  it,  when  she  rose 
to  "  retire"),  another  courtesy  was  executed  in  front  of 
Sir  Eobert  by  the  chatelaine  of  "  Heart's  Content,"  who 
6aid,  "  How  truly  it  has  been  remarked  that  we  owe 
some  of  our  keenest  pleasures  in  life  to  strangers !  You 
must  permit  me  to  thank  you  again  for  your  improving 
and  pleasing  conversation,  which  I  shall  often  recall, 
and  always  with  lively  satisfaction.  May  your  slumbers 
be  refreshing  and  your  awakening  devoid  of  all  pain ! 
I  wish  you  a  very  good  night,  sir."  With  this  Miss 
Aglonby  took  up  one  of  the  top-heavy  candlesticks,  and 
glided,  like  the  shade  she  was  and  ghost  of  a  past  period, 
up  the  stairs. 

While  Mr.  Gregory  was  looking  to  bolts  and  bars,  Sir 
Robert  strayed  about  the  room  with  his  hands  behind 
him,  looking  at  the  pictures,  followed  by  Mr.  Aglonby, 
who  made  no  extensive  comment  on  them,  but  gave  a 
word  of  explanation  occasionally  when  his  guest  halted 
longer  than  usual  before  a  canvas,  such  as,  "  The  First 
Edmund,  who  came  here  in  1654;"  "Edmund  the 
Second  ;"  "  Edmund  the  Third,  in  his  Oxford  cap  and 
gown ;"  "  Gregory  Aglonby,  a  colonel  in  the  Revolution- 


442  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

ary  forces ;"  "  Red-haired  Edmund,  as  we  call  him,  be 
cause  the  others  are  all  dark  ;"  "  Colonel  Everard  Buller 
Aglonby,  who  represented  this  county  in  the  House  of 
Burgesses  for  thirty  years,  and  his  wife,  who  was  a 
Calvert, — a  great-aunt,  a  woman  of  extraordinary  piety, 
flrho  reduced  herself  from  a  condition  of  affluence  to 
comparative  poverty  by  the  manumission  of  her  three 
hundred  slaves." 

When  he  had  shaken  hands  with  his  host  at  the  door 
of  his  bedroom  (which  was  emphatically  the  room  of  a 
bed,  a  huge,  be-stepped,  pillared,  testered  contrivance 
that  waited  at  one  end  of  the  large  apartment  to  murder 
sleep),  Sir  Robert  fell  to  winding  his  watch  with  what 
looked  like  interest,  but  all  his  thoughts  were  with  the 
Aglonby  s. 

"English  gentlefolks  of  the  eighteenth  century  pie- 
served  in  Virginian  amber.  What  a  curious  survival ! 
'  Gentlemen  of  a  period  of  manners,  morals.'  Remark 
ably  interesting !  Delightful  types  of  a  society  as  extinct 
as  the  dodo,"  he  was  saying  to  himself.  "  There  is  but 
one  mould  for  the  gentleman ;  but  nature  changes  ita 
shape  with  every  century,  I  suppose, — though  I  some 
times  think  she  has  gone  out  of  the  business  altogether 
in  utter  disgust.  We  have  got  a  lot  of  plutocrats  that 
are  tailors'  blocks,  and  nobles  that  talk  like  stable-boya 
and  act  like  blackguards,  and  both  fancy  themselves 
gentlemen ;  but  when  I  contrast  them  with  the  men  of 
my  father's  day  even —  And  this  dainty,  charming  old 
bit  of  Chelsea-ware,  Anne  Buller !  Her  brothers  treat 
her  as  though  she  were  a  reigning  princess. '  I  wonder 
what  she  would  say  if  she  could  see,  as  I  did  the  other 
iay,  a  group  of  Nuneham  girls  caljing  each  other  by 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  443 

their  last  names  and  smoking  cigarettes  with  a  half- 
ilozen  Cambridge  men,  who  chaffed  them  and  treated  • 
them  exactly  as  though  they  were  so  many  boys  in 
petticoats.  Well,  well,  the  world  moves,  I  know,  and  1 
am  an  old  fogy;  but  I  shall  not  make  myself  hoarse 
shouting  '  Huzza'  until  I  find  out  whether  we  are  going 
to  the  devil  or  not.  I  hope  I  am  not  getting  as  cynical 
as  old  Caradoc,  who  declares  that  he  can  always  tell  a 
countess  from  an  actress  nowadays  by  the  superior 
modesty  and  refinement  of — the  actress." 

In  the  next  few  days  Sir  Robert  carefully  inspected 
the  rambling,  substantial  old  house,  which,  to  Miss  Ag- 
lonby's  chagrin,  he  pronounced  "  quite  modern  ;"  though 
he  smiled  when  she  informed  him  that "  Heart's  Content" 
had  been  "refurnished  quite  recently, — in  '48."   He  also 
went  over  the  land,  only  about  four  hundred  acres,  put 
the  most  searching  questions  as  to  its  practical  value 
and  uses,  filled  a  tin  box  with  the  earth,  meaning  to 
have  it  analyzed  by  "  a  respectable  chemist,"  and  went 
into  details  generally  with  much  energy.     Nor  had  he 
anything  to  complain  of  in  the  way  of  unfair  dealing 
in  Mr.   Gregory  Aglonby,  who  accompanied  him  and 
gave  him  the  fullest  and  frankest  particulars  about  the 
property,  which  he  pointed  out  was  going  to  rack  and 
ruin,  or  rather  had  gone  there.     Every  broken  gate 
and  stony  field  was  dear  to  his  heart,  and  it  was  a  mel 
ancholy  pilgrimage  to  him ;  but  had  not  Mr.  Aglonby 
waid  to  him  that  morning,  "  Brother  Gregory,  the  place 
must  go, — there  is  no  help  for  it,— and  this  gentleman 
seems  likely  to  become  a  purchaser.     Will  you  see  that 
the  disadvantages  of  the  property  are  set  before  him 
o.learly,  especially  such  as  a   stranger  would  certainly 


444  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

overlook?  I  cannot  entertain  a  proposition  of  any 
kind  looking  to  its  ultimate  purchase  until  I  know  that 
this  has  been  done,  anxious  as  I  am  to  have  this  matter 
definitely  concluded.  I  had  thought  to  die  here.  But 
it  has  been  otherwise  ordered  by  an  overruling  and  all- 
wise  Providence." 

It  did  not  escape  Sir  Robert  that  he  was  not  likely 
to  be  overreached  in  his  bargain,  however  much  he 
might  repent  of  it ;  and  when  Mr.  Gregory  pointed 
across  the  road  and  said, '-The 'Little  England'  farn 
lies  over  there,  but  produces  less  and  less  every,  year. 
The  land  is  exhausted,"  Sir  Robert  thought,  "  The  fellow 
is  either  quixotic  or  doesn't  wish  to  sell.  I  rather  think 
the  first :  there  has  certainly  been  no  shuffling  and  pre 
tending."  Aloud  he  said,  "  The  soil  can't  be  exhausted. 
It  is  virgin  still  compared  to  that  of  England,  and-  all 
that  it  needs  is  careful  cultivation.  It  seems  to  mo 
that  what  Virginia  needs  is  immigration." 

Mr.  Gregory  looked  displeased.  It  was  as  though 
Sir  Robert  had  criticised  Anne  Buller's  dress.  "On  the 
contrary,  we  wish  to  keep  Virginia  for  Virginians,"  he 
said  slowly.  "We  have  no  desire  to  see  it  overrun  by 
a  horde  of  Irish  and  Dutch,  and  heaven  knows  what 
besides.  The  proper  place  for  that  kind  of  people  is 
the  "West  and  Northwest.  If  we  could  get  the  right 
class  of  English  emigrants,  that  would  be  another 
matter.  But  it  is  scarcely  likely  that  they  will  come 
here  in  any  considerable  number,  now  that  the  poor 
old  commonwealth  offers  so  little  remunerative  return 
to  the  most  honorable  enterprise." 

When  Sir  Robert  had  quite  made  up  his. mind  thai 
he  would  like  to  possess  the  place,  he  telegraphed  im 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  445 

peratively  for  Mr.  Heathcote,  who  joined  him  most  1x5- 
luetantly.  Together  they  walked  all  over  the  county, 
saw  a  great  many  people,  and  having  bought  two  hun 
dred  acres  that  marched  with,  and,  indeed,  had  formerly 
been  a  part  of,  the  Aglonby  estate,  Sir  Eobert  made  a 
liberal  offer  for  "  Heart's  Content,"  expressed  his  thanks 
for  the  kind  and  honorable  treatment  he  had  received 
there,  and,  his  terms  being  accepted,  paid  the  purchase- 
money,  and  begged  that  the  family  would  suit*  their 
own  convenience  entirely  in  giving  it  up.  This  settled, 
he  went  his  way  to  the  Natural  Bridge,  which  he  con 
sidered  should  rank  second  only  to  Niagara  in  this 
country  in  point  of  interest,  and  then  went  on  to  Lex 
ington,  to  visit  General  Lee's  tomb,  and  from  there  to 
see  Stonewall  Jackson's  grave,  which,  to  his  intense 
astonishment  and  indignation,  he  found  half  covered 
with  visiting-cards, — the  exquisite  tribute  of  the  senti 
mental  tourist  to  the  stern  soldier.  He  could  do  nothing 
until  he  had  cleared  the  last  bit  of  pasteboard  (with 
"Miss  Mollie  Bangs,  Jonesville,"  printed  on  it)  away 
from  the  mound.  This  ho  did  energetically  with  his 
umbrella,  after  which  he  sat  down  quietly  to  think  of 
his  favorite  hero,  who  seemed  to  be  "  resting  under  the 
shade  of  the  trees  over  the  river"  rather  than  there, 
and  fell  to  repeating  "Stonewall  Jackson's  Way,"— a 
very  favorite  lyric,  which  he  knew  by  heart.  " '  Appeal 
ing  from  his  native  sod  In  forma  pauperis  to  God,'  ought 
to  be  his  epitaph.  I  think  he  would  like  that,"  he  said. 
•'  I  am  glad  England  can  claim  such  a  son,  however 
indirectly.  Fancy  '  Miss  Mollie  Bangs'  leaving  a  card 
- — and  such  a  card — on  old  Blue-Light !  A  decent  ono 
might  do  for  Beau  BrummeFs  grave,  but  Jackson'a — 1" 

38 


446  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Mr.  Heathcote  was  with  him,  and,  after  one  careless 
glance,  had  strolled  up  and  down,  absorbed  in  his  own 
thoughts,  which  were  not  of  war  or  death.  He  only 
half  listened  to  his  uncle's  praise  of  the  great  soldier, 
and  presently  said,  a  propos  of  nothing  that  had  hap 
pened  that  day,  "  Uncle,  what  would  you  say  if  I  should 
ask  you  to  let  me  live  at  '  Heart's  Content'  ?" 

"Eh?  What's  that?"  asked  Sir  Eobert,  forgetting 
in  his  surprise  to  blow  out  the  lighted  match  ho  had 
just  applied  to  the  offending  cards.  "You  live  in 
America  ?  What  idea  have  you  got  in  your  head,  my 
boy?" 

Mr.  Heathcote  could  not  tell  his  uncle  that  Edith  had 
said  that  she  would  never  marry  an  Englishman,  never ! 
but  that  if  she  ever  did,  she  should  insist  upon  his  living 
in  America,  for  to  go  away  from  mamma  and  papa  and 
the  boys  and  everybody  she  cared  for  was-  a  thing  sho 
could  not  and  would  not  do,  not  if  she  adored  the  man 
that  demanded  such  a  sacrifice  of  her.  What  he  did 
say  was  that  he  was  tired  of  his  aimless  life  in  London, 
and  liked  his  uncle  too  well  to  look  forward  with  an}*- 
pleasure  to  succeeding  him,  and  that  he  should  like  to 
have  a  small  property  to  manage  without  aid  of  bailiff, 
dteward,  agent,  or  factotum  of  any  kind.  "I  could  go 
over  whenever  I  liked,  or  you  needed  me,  and  you  could 
come  to  me  to  see  that  I  wasn't  making  ducks  and 
drakes  of  the  property,"  he  said.  "And  it  is  an  experi 
ment,  I  grant;  but  you  have  always  been  awfully  gen 
erous  and  kind  to  me,  and  I  have  something  laid  by 
that  would  cover  the  possible  losses  my  inexperience 
might  cause,  for  the  first  year  at  least.  I  am  sure  I  can 
learn  the  trade,  and  am  willing  to  pay  for  my  appren- 


ON  THIS  HIDE.  447 

tieeship,  if  you  will  only  let  mo  try  my  hand  at  farm 
ing." 

"  The  boy  is  thinking  of  marrying,"  was  Sir  Robert's 
mental  comment ;  but  he  only  said  that  ho  had  bought 
the  place  with  a  very  different  idea,  but  that  he  would 
think  the  matter  over. 

"  You  must  remember  that  it  will  not  be  child's  play," 
he  said.  "  And  if  you  should  grow  attached  to  it  and 
wish  to  stay,  you  will  be  practically  giving  up  your  own 
country,  you  know.  But  America  is  hardly  a  foreign 
country.  It  is  the  representative  institutions,  moral 
ideas,  social  atmosphere,  and  mental  habits  that  make  a 
people,  not  the  mere  physical  features  of  the  country, 
and  in  character  the  Americans  are,  as  Mr.  Aglonby 
would  say,  '  Englishmen  once  removed' — across  the  At 
lantic.  You  might  be  quite  happy  and  content  among 
<  hem.  Just  so." 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  am  sure  I  shall.  You  are  quite  in  the 
right  in  what  you  say  of  them,"  Mr.  Heathcote  eagerly 
replied. 

And  Sir  Eobert,  who  had  purposely  laid  this  trap  for 
him,  thought  to  himself,  "  The  boy  is  certainly  in  love. 
I  must  find  out  all  about  it,  unless  he  has  the  grace  to 
tell  me  himself." 

Much  as  she  liked  Niagara,  Miss  Noel  was  not  sorry, 
after  long  delay,  to  get  a  letter  from  Sir  Robert,  asking 
her  to  join  him  in  Chicago,  and  telling  her  of  a  delight 
ful  visit  he  had  made  to  Richmond,  where  he  had  beer 
received  "with  particular  kindness"  and  had  met  a 
great  number  of  agreeable  people,  most  of  them  Vir 
ginians  of  the  modern  type  and  scarcely  so  interesting, 
in  a  way,  as  the  Aglonby  family,  who,  as  he  saw  from 


448  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

other  individuals,  were  survivals  of  a  generation  rapidly 
disappearing,  to  be  found  only  occasionally  here  and 
there  now, — "  a  class  of  aristocrats  long  a  curious  an 
omaly  in  a  republican  state,  hardly  to  be  matched  in 
Europe  to-day  outside  of  Austria,  and  never  to  be  repro 
duced." 

It  did  not  take  Parsons  long  to  do  the  necessary 
packing;  but  Miss  Noel  consumed  a  whole  day  in  put 
ting  up  her  carefully-labelled  "  specimens  of  the  flora  of 
New  York  ;"  and  Ethel  had  to  settle  with  Mr.  Bates, 
who  would  doubtless  rather  have  been  rejected  by  an 
Englishwoman  than  accepted  by  any  American,  and  was 
not  denied  that  luxury. 

From  Chicago  the  reunited  forces  went  off  almost 
immediately  to  Salt  Lake  City,  having  only  three  days 
to  give  to  a  little  hurried  sight-seeing  in  the  "  marvel 
lous  Sphinx  city,"  as  they  called  it  in  their  letters 
home. 

At  Salt  Lake  Mrs.  Sykes  was  awaiting  their  arrival, 
and  betrayed  a  radiant  satisfaction  at  the  first  glance. 

"  You  can't  think  how  busy  I  have  been  and  what  a 
lot  I  have  accomplished,"  she  related  exultantly.  "  I 
have  found  a  whole  village  of  Thompsons  with  a  p,  and 
went  and  boarded  there,  and  have  got  up  a  book  that 
Bentley  will  give  me  a  hundred  pounds  for.  And  I 
have  done  a  lot  of  sketches  to  illustrate  it,  and,  so  far 
from  being  out  of  pocket,  shall  have  made  by  my 
American  tour.  It  has  been  the  greatest  fun  imagin 
able,  poking  about  in  their  houses  and  dishing  them  up 
afterward.  And,  only  fency,  I've  got  a  lock  of  Brigham 
Young's  hair,  well  authenticated.  I  palmed  myself  off  on 
a  person  that  I  met  as  being  a  very  great  admirer  of 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  449 

his,  and  she  gave  me  it.  When  I  get  homo  I'm  going 
to  have  a  ring  made  of  it,  like  the  one  Lady  Bottsford 
has  got  made  of  King  John  of  Abyssinia's  wool,  which 
has  been  so  talked  of.  People  have  taken  to  noticing 
my  rings  very  much  ever  since  I  had  that  tooth  of  dar 
ling  Bobo's  polished  and  mounted  in  brilliants ;  and  this 
will  be  unique,— there  will  not  be  another  like  it  in  all 
England.  I  told  the  person  of  whom  I  got  it  what  £ 
meant  to  do  with  it,  and  she  said  that  I  must  revere 
him  deeply ;  and,  do  you  know,  I  quite  forgot  my  part 
that  I  was  playing,  and  said  that  I  didn't  care  a  fig  for 
the  old  sinner,  but  that  it  was  a  great  curiosity.  And 
she  was  so  engry,  quite  fiawrious,  and  wanted  it  back ; 
but  of  course  she  didn't  get  it.  When  do  we  leave 
this  ?" 

They  left  as  soon  as  Sir  Eobert  had  satisfied  himself 
on  certain  points,  and  Miss  Noel  had  been  sufficiently 
shocked  by  a  service  in  the  Tabernacle,  and  Mr.  Heath- 
cote  had  indulged  in  a  bath  in  the  lake,  which  he  pei- 
sisted  in  taking,  and  in  the  course  of  which  he  went 
through  any  nuinber  of  antics  in  addition  to  his  usual 
feats,  in  themselves  remarkable,  for  he  was  a  vigorous 
and  powerful  swimmer.  The  ex-Devonshire  Elder 
(whom  Mrs.  Sykes  had  seen  more  than  once  slinking 
about  the  streets,  she  said,  but  who  had  not  come  near 
her)  was  pleased  to  be  very  polite  to  Sir  Eobert,  01 
would  have  been  if  he  had  been  allowed ;  but,  not  wish 
ing  to  conduct  a  Salt  Lake  campaign  d  la  Sykos,  Sir 
Robert  was  content  to  see  the  place  in  his  own  way,  got 
a  phial  of  water  from  the  lake,  which  Miss  Noel  said 
reminded  her  of  Sodom  and  Gomorrah  and  was  "  very 
suited  to  the  odious  place,"  looked  at  and  into  such 
dd  38* 


450  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

things  as  could   b^e   seen   in   a  short   stay,  and   made 
temperate,  careful  records  of  the  same  in  his  note-book. 

The  next  point  of  interest  to  the  party  was  "  'Frisco 
and  the  Yosemite,"  toward  which  they  pushed  as  fast  as 
steam  could  take  them,  Sir  Kobert  and  Miss  Noel  being 
vividly  interested  in  many  things  en  route,  Ethel  and 
Mr.  Heathcote  pleased  by  a  few,  Mrs.  Sykes  grumbling 
ceaselessly  about  the  length,  monotony,  bareness,  arid 
ity,  stupiditjr,  and  general  hideousness  of  the  journey. 
The  only  thing  that  really  amused  her  was  a  quarrel 
that  she  got  up  with  a  lady  who  sat  near  her.  The 
acquaintance  promised  to  be  friendly  enough  for  a  while, 
for  the  lady  was  an  amiable  soul, — the  wife  of  "  a  dry 
goods  merchant  in  Topeka,"  she  told  Mrs.  Sykes.  The 
latter  was  pleased  to  ask  her  a  great  many  questions 
and  to  patronize  her  quite  extensively  in  default  of 
other  amusement,  so  that  all  went  well  at  first.  But 
the  second  stage  of  Mrs.  Sykes's  friendship  was  not  apt 
to  be  so  pleasant  as  the  first,  and  accordingly  she  much 
astonished  her  neighbor  one  morning  by  saying  to  her 
curtly,  "  Why  don't  you  speak  English?" 

"  Why,  I  do.  I  talk  it  all  the  time,  don't  I  ?"  replied 
the  lady. 

"  No,  you  don't.  Just  look  here.  I  have  made  a  list 
of  the  things  you  say.  They  are  not  English  at  all.  I 
don't  know  what  you  mean,  often." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  never  heard  anybody 
talk  like  me  ?"  asked  the  lady  indignantly,  as  she  fum 
bled  in  her  bag  for  her  glassesT 

"  Oh,  I  didn't  say  that.  I've  heard  some  of  the  words 
among  our  lodging-house-keepers ;  but  you  have  in- 
rented  others,  and  your  pronunciation  is  abominable. 


ON  THIS  SIDE'.  451 

• 

I'ou  should  really  mend  it,  if  you  can,"  replied  Mrs. 
Sykes,  with  decision. 

The  list  which  had  been  so  civilly  put  in  the  Topekan 
lady's  hands  was  a  long  one,  and  ran  as  follows: 
"  Chawcolate,  pawk,  hawrid,  cawd,  squrl,  stoopid,  win 
der,  lemmy,  gimmy,  years  (for  ears),  'cute,  edgercation, 
conchienchous,"  etc.,  etc. 

The  fingers  that  held  it  trembled  with  rage  long  be 
fore  it  was  finished,  for  the  Topekan  lady  had  wealth 
and  social  aspiration,  if  not  "  edgercation ;"  and  when 
Mrs.  Sykes  broke  in  with,  "  Well,  what  do  you  say  to 
that  ?"  she  had  a  good  deal  to  say,  and  said  it  very  for 
cibly,  in  such  English  as  she  could  command,  after 
which  she  swelled  in  speechless  angfir  opposite  for  the 
remainder  of  their  journey. 

"  There  it  is  again.  If  I  say  the  least  thing  to  these 
Americans  they  fly  out  like  that,"  complained  Mrs. 
Sykes  to  Miss  Noel. 

But  for  sheer  ill  humor  nothing  could  have  surpassed 
her  own  conduct  when  they  had  "  done"  San  Francisco, 
which  she  declared  to  be  "  a  dull,  dirty,  windy  place,  with 
a  harbor  of  which  entirely  too  much  is  made, — ridicu 
lously  overpraised,  in  fact,"  and  got  under  way  for  the 
Yosemite.  The  roads,  the  rough  vehicle,  the  country, 
could  not  be  sufficiently  abused.  However,  when  the 
spot  was  reached,  she  relented,  as  she  had  done  at  Ni 
agara,  and,  looking  up  at  the  giant  trees,  graciously 
conceded  that  they  also  were  "  quite  up  to  the  mark." 

It  was  a  pleasant  spectacle  to  see  Sir  Kobert's  enthu 
siasm.  Such  gazing  and  neck-craning  and  measuring 
and  speculating!  Such  critical  inspection  of  bark, 
leaves,  soil,  lichens!  Such  questioning  of  the  guides  I 


452  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

• 

Such  keen  delight,  wonder,  remeasuring,  recraning, 
theories,  calculations,  endless  contemplation  !  The  en 
joyment  of  the  others  was  as  nothing,  compared  to  his, 
— for  if  there  was  a  thing  that  he  loved  it  was  a  fine 
tree,  and  had  he  not  some  of  the  best  timber  in  Eng 
land,  which  he  knew  as  some  generals  have  known  their 
soldiers  and  some  shepherds  their  sheep  ?  "  Stupen 
dous!  Prodigious !  "Wonderful !"  burst  from  his  lips  as 
he  walked  slowly  around  them  and  rode  between  them 
us  in  a  dream,  perfectly  entranced.  He  could  scarcely 
be  dragged  away,  and  at  last  was  only  moved  by  the 
thought  that  there  was  so  much  that  he  '•  must  posi 
tively  see"  in  the  surrounding  country  which  was  wait 
ing  to  be  considered  volcanically,  botanically,  geologi 
cally,  and  otherwise.  It  was  one  of  his  vexations  that 
nature,  art,  science,  history,  commerce,  were  so  long, 
and  time  and  a  voraciously  intelligent  but  mortal  and 
limited  baronet  so  fleeting.  He  would  have  liked  to 
spend  several  months  on  the  Pacific  coast,  looking  into 
a  thousand  things  with  unflagging  zeal  and  interest. 
It  was  really  afiiicting  to  turn  his  back  upon  the  early 
Spanish  settlers,  the  Jesuit  missions,  the  grape  and  olive 
production,  mining  interests,  earthquake  statistics,  the 
Chinese  problem,  annual  rainfall  on  the  great  plateau, 
study  of  the  Sierra  Nevada  range,  and  last,  most  allur 
ing  of  all,  that  of  the  Santa  Barbara  Islands,  described 
by  a  companion  of  Drake  as  densely  populated  by  a 
white  race  with  light  hair  and  ruddy  cheeks.  When 
Sir  Hobert  thought  of  that  people  and  of  all  the  bliss  of 
investigation,  he  almost  decided  to  make  a  winter  of  it 
in  California  and  solve  that  mystery  or  perish.  But  he 
had  still  much  to  accomplish,  and  he  had  fixed  the  day 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  453 

for  sailing  before  leaving  England.  So  back  the  part} 
came  to  Si.  Louis,  where  they  found  a  mountain  of  mail- 
matter  from  the  four  quarters  of  the  globe.  There  were 
five  voluminous  epistles  from  Mrs.  Vane  to  Miss  NoeJ, 
and  others  from  that  household;  a  simple  domestic 
chronicle  from  Mabel,  describing  her  daily  round  and 
stating  her  fears  and  anxieties  about  "  Boy,"  who  was 
getting  "  sadly  wilful  and  unruly,"  and,  like  a  youthful 
Ajax,  had  lately  "defied  husband;"  and  one  of  Mr. 
Ketchum's  characteristic  epistles : 

"  I  send  you  a  letter  of  introduction  to  my  friend  Fry 
in  New  Orleans  (to  whom  my  double-and-twisted),  since 
you  will  go  there.  He  will  put  you  through  all  right. 
But  I  warn  you  that  you  will  be  nobody  and  won't  be 
able  to  hold  up  your  head  there  at  all.  No  one  can 
after  an  epidemic,  unless  he  has  lost  half  of  his  rela 
tions  and  had  the  other  half  given  up  by  the  doctors 
and  prepared  for  burial.  This  reminds  me  that  Brown's 
scapegrace  of  a  brother  has  turned  up  here  with  a  hand 
some  Mexican  wife  and  a  million,  and  has  deodorized 
his  reputation  by  giving  large  sums  to  the  yellow-fever 
sufferers,  while  I  am  thinking  of  colonizing  all  the 
mothers-in-law  of  these  United  there  before  another 
season  opens,  unless  business  improves.  Fairfield  has  a 
Benedicts'  Club  now,  and  I  chose  the  motto  for  it,  '  Hero 
the  women  cease  from  troubling  and  the  wicked  are  at 
rest :'  so  when  you  want  a  little  peace  and  comfort  you 
will  know  where  to  come.  My  wife  will  have  nothing 
less  than  her  love  sent  you ;  but  I  am  all  the  samo  your 
friend,  J.  K  " 


464  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Having  seen  a  certificate  that  New  Orleans  was  en- 
tirely  free  from  fe-ver,  "  signed  by  all  the  medical  men 
of  eminence  in  the  city,"  Sir  Eobert  was  determined 
not  to  be  frightened  out  of  his  visit  there  altogether. 
But  it  was  only  November,  and  he  did  not  wish  to  run 
any  foolish  risks,  and  the  ladies  were  very  nervous  on 
this  score.  He  was  still  undecided  what  course  to  take, 
when  he  one  day  picked  up  a  paper  and  read  an  account 
of  the  Indian  Territory  that  interested  him  beyond 
measure.  In  an  hour  he  had  got  out  his  maps  and 
time-tables  and  arranged  to  "  put  in  a  week"  at  Table 
quah,  the  Falls  of  St.  Anthony,  and  the  Mammoth  Cave. 
As  none  of  the  party  cared  for  the  first  except  himself, 
he  went  there  alone,  and  felt  fully  repaid  for  the  effort. 
Great  was  his  joy  at  finding  "  a  purely  Indian  legisla 
tive  body"  and  assisting  at  their  deliberations,  his  lorg- 
non  glued  now  to  one  chief  and  now  to  another.  And 
then  he  talked  to  them,  to  get  their  "  views,"  to  sketch 
them,  to  have  a  copy  of  their  constitution  and  laws  and 
a  newspaper  in  their  own  tongue  and  characters  in 
which  an  affinity  to  the  Egyptian,  Arabic,  Chinese,  or 
any  other  might  perhaps  be  traced !  And  then  how 
full  his  letters  to  his  friends  in  England  were  of  his 
"  visit  to  a  Choctaw  gentleman's  plantation, — a  most 
deeply-interesting,  well-educated  man  ;"  "  the  first  fruits 
of  the  new  civilization ;"  "  the  opinion  of  a  Seminole 
person  on  the  Indian  policy  of  the  American  govern 
ment;"  "the  beauty  of  a  young  Chickasaw  female" 
whom  he  had  seen  at  one  of  the  schools,  and  "the  ex 
traordinary  progress  made  by  some  of  the  other  scholars, 
showing  that  there  is  absolutely  no  limit  to  the  intellect 
ual  development  of  the  once-despised  savage ;"  "  the . 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  455 

crystal  clearness  of  the  beautiful  rivers,  the  lovely,  for- 
tile  plains,  framed  by  the  Mozark  Mountains,  the  balmy, 
delightful  climate,  and  the  brutality  and  wicked  greed 
of  an  American  of  the  lower  class,"  who  had  told  him 
that  "  the  country  was  a  million  times  too  good  for  red 
skins,  who  ought  all  to  be  exterminated,  as  '  Indians  was 
p'ison  wherever  found.'  "  And  then,  while  the  glow  of 
this  interest  still  flushed  his  mind,  he  took  up  the  Mis 
sissippi  Eiver,  which  was  a  career  in  itself  and  beckoned 
him  on  to  fresh  conquests.  He  went  up  to  the  Falls  of 
St.  Anthony,  which,  after  Niagara  and  the  Yosemito, 
was  accounted  "  tame  and  overrated"  by  Mrs.  Sykes,  bu ' 
over  which  he  pondered  deeply.  Before  he  left  there 
the  river  had  got  a  strong  hold  on  his  imagination  that 
grew  ever  greater  and  greater.  He  spent  all  his  time 
on  the  boat  studying  it.  He  talked  to  the  pilot  about 
it, — or  rather  made  the  pilot  talk,  and  listened  with  all 
his  ears ;  he  took  up  the  methods  now  practised  for  pre 
venting  the  banks  from  caving  in  and  forcing  the  Great 
Father  to  lie  in  the  bed  he  has  made,  instead  of  driving 
honest  folk  out  of  theirs  by  scurvy  turns  and  bends 
that  break  up  thousands  of  homes.  He  drew  diagrams 
of  the  pile-driving  and  wattling  and  willow  mattrassea 
in  the  diary,  with  the  improvements  he  thought  advis 
able,  and  some  very  scientific  suggestions  by  which  the 
river  could  be  made  to  checkmate  itself,  like  an  automa 
ton  chess-player.  He  hung  over  the  guards  continually, 
observing  all  that  was  to  be  observed,  and  recorded  the 
same  under  separate  headings,  such  as  "  currents,"  "  ve 
locity,"  "  flood-rises,"  with  statistics  without  end  show 
ing  that  the  carrying-trade  of  the  great  water  highway 
Would  amount  in  1950  to  something  so  colossal  that 


456  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

there  is  no  room  for  it  here,  while  a  future  for  the  cities 
that  stud  its  banks  was  predicted  that  would  satisfy 
their  most  ambitious  citizens. 

His  heart  was  not  in  Louisville  nor  in  the  Mammoth 
'Cave,  though  he  went  over  the  first  religiously  and  ex 
amined  the  latter  carefully,  collected  specimens,  and 
even  thrilled  faintly  over  an  eyeless  fish,  which  aroused 
considerable  enthusiasm  in  Mr.  Heathcote.  He  was  not 
really  himself  until  he  was  again  on  the  river,  doing  a 
little  dredging  and  sounding  on  his  own  account.  At 
Cairo  he  expanded  almost  as  much  as  his  subject,  and 
for  a  long  while  afterward  was  never  weary  of  tracing 
the  blue  and  yellow  currents  that  fuse  so  reluctantly 
and  imperfectly  that  out  in  the  Gulf  of  Mexico,  it  is 
said,  one  comes  upon  patches  of  the  Missouri  of  the 
most  jaundiced,  angry  hue. 

The  sombre  majesty  of  the  stream  was  quite  lost 
upon  Mrs.  Sykes,  who  saw  in  it  only  "  an  ugly,  wicked- 
looking  river,  with  a  lot  of  dirty-white  villages  along 
its  mud  banks."  Her  attention  was  given  to  the  pas 
sengers  and  the  clerk, — especially  the  latter.  "  A  clerk 
that  talks  to  the  ladies  in  the  cabin  about  literature  and 
the  dramar!  Only  fency!"  she  said  to  Miss  Noel. 
"  And  such  comical  blackies,  that  the  ladies  call '  aunty,' 
and  that  call  me  'honey'  and  'child.'  As  like  as  not 
you'll  see  a  snag  coming  up  through  the  bottom  of  the 
boat  presently,  and  you  had  better  try  one  of  the  life- 
preservers  on  and  see  how  it  works ;  though,  after  all, 
we  may  be  blown  up  instead.  Of  course  we  are  racing. 
I  am  sure  of  it." 

"Dear,  dear!  How  very  dreadful!  How  did  you 
discover  that?  It  should  really  be  made  known.  I 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  457 

shall  speak  to  the  captain.  I  really  can't  consent  to 
being  raced  with,"  replied  Miss  Noel,  who  did  not  make 
sufficient  allowance  for  Mrs.  Sykes's  love  of  the  sensa 
tional.  "  Eobert  must  call  a  meeting  and  protest,  or 
something." 

She  went  to  look  for  Sir  Eobert,  whom  she  found 
walking  about  on  deck.  He  had  been  reading  all  the 
afternoon,  and  his  mind  was  full  of  La  Salle,  and  Do 
Soto,  and  poor  Evangeline,  so  cruelly  near  to  Gabriel 
and  happiness  once,  only  to  drift  away  from  both  for 
ever.  So  large  was  his  grasp  of  any  subject  that  the 
imaginative  phases  of  a  situation  appealed  to  him  as 
powerfully  as  the  practical,  and  he  was  not  the  man  to 
take  the  Mississippi  without  its  associations,  any  more 
than  he  would  have  done  the  Hudson  or  the  Sierras 
without  Irving  and  Bret  Harte.  So  now  he  was  pacing 
backward  and  forward  under  the  stars,  thinking  of  these 
things,  and  in  no  mood  for  bearding  the  captain  in  his 
cabin ;  and,  having  calmed  Miss  Noel's  fears,  he  stayed 
on  deck  until  very  late,  enjoying  his  cigar  and  sur 
roundings. 

When  they  got  low  enough  down  to  come  upon  levees 
and  see  that  the  river. was  actually  higher  than  the 
land,  the  questions  of  inundation,  protection,  blue-clay 
banks,  dikes,  sluices,  crevasses,  water-gates,  sediment, 
currents,  swept  in  upon  Sir  Eobert,  and  he  was  still 
working  at  them  when  they  reached  New  Orleans. 
Fresh  interests  and  employments  now  awaited  him,  in 
which  he  was  soon  absorbed,  head  over  ears.  Like 
olives,  New  Orleans  has  a  flavor  of  its  own,  so  deeded 
that  it  is  impossible  to  be  indifferent  to  it :  one  must 
either  be  very  fond  of  it  or  disliko  it  heartily.  It  was 
v  39 


458  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

soon  evident  that  Sir  Kobert  belonged  to  the  first  class 
and  Mrs.  Sykes  to  the  second.  Its  brilliant  blue  skies, 
and  sunshine,  and  warmth,  the  lovely  flowers,  the  good 
opera  and  better  restaurants,  the  infectious  gayety  of 
the  people,  as  light  about  the  heart  as  the  heels,  with 
enough  Gallic  quicksilver  in  their  veins  to  give  them  a 
genius  for  being  and  looking  happy,  and,  lastly,  the 
warmth  of  his  reception,  and  a  hospitality  as  refined  as 
limitless,  delighted  this  most  amiable  of  baronets.  He 
had  brought  good  letters,  and  was  admitted  to  that 
inner  Creole  circle  which  few  strangers  see,  and  in 
which  he  found  among  the  elders,  as  he  said  to  Miss 
Noel,  "  the  atmosphere  of  the  Faubourg  Saint-Germain, 
— a  dignit}7"  like  that  of  the  period  to  which  the  Ag- 
lonbys  belonged,  with  more  grace  and  savoir-faire.  And 
such  wonderfully  pretty  girls,  my  dear  Augusta,  with 
eyes  like  sloes  and  skins  like  the  petals  of  their  own 
magnolia-blossoms.  And  I  observe  a  sort  of  patriarchal 
tribal  state  of  affairs  among  them, — grandparents,  chil 
dren,  grandchildren,  all  living  together  in  great  num 
bers  and  perfect  amity,  apparently."  Among  the 
•  Americans  of  the  city  Sir  Eobert  found  much  to  interest 
him,  and  he  went  to  visit  their  "  sugar-estates,"  took 
down  in  black  and  white  the  astounding  number  of 
oranges  that  one  tree  is  capable  of  producing,  held  con 
versations  with  many  gentlemen  about  the  emancipated 
slaves,  and  with  many  emancipated  slaves  about  their 
late  masters  and  present  condition.  And  then  was  there 
not  cotton,  the  machinery  employed  on  rice-,  sugar-,  and 
cotton-plantations  to  "  go  into"  ?  to  say  nothing  of  the 
swamp-flora,  the  possible  introduction  of  olives  into 
Louisiana,  and  Voodooism  to  trace  back  to  the  Vaudois 


UN  THIS  SIDE.  459 

sorcerers  of  the  fourteenth  century  and  connect  with 
the  serpent-worship  of  some  parts  of  Italy,  where  he 
had  himself  seen  the  peasants  make  their  yearly  pro 
cession  with  snakes  wrapped  about  their  necks,  waists, 
and  wrists  ?  And  was  there  not,  too,  serious  business 
to  be  done  ?  How  could  he  secure  and  forward  to  Eng 
land  a  few  things  that  he  must  have,  such  as  a  gar  alli 
gator,  a  pair  of  mocking-birds,  a  Floridian  flamingo,  a 
ruby  humming-bird,  "  a  Texan  horned  frog,  with  a  dis 
tinctly-developed  tail,  crustaceous,  probably  antedilu 
vian,  and  credibly  reported  to  live  upon  air,"  not  to 
mention  other  treasures,  and  collections  previously 
made,  which  must  be  shipped  before  he  left  ?  All  this 
he  finally  accomplished,  and  was  so  pleased  by  his  success 
that  not  even  a  letter  from  his  Raising  "  solicitor,"  say 
ing  that  his  suit  against  the  "  Eagle"  had  been  brought 
to  trial  and  he  had  been  awarded  fifty  cents  damages, 
could  greatly  cloud  the  content  he  felt. 

Mrs.  Sykes,  meanwhile,  was  looking  at  everything 
through  her  own  bit  of  yellow  glass  or  London  fog,  and 
seeing  only  what  her  prepossessions  would  let  her  see 
through  a  medium  that  distorted  and  magnified  every 
object.  As  the  spittoons  at  the  Capitol  had  seemed  to 
her  far  bigger  and  more  striking  than  the  dome,  so  now 
the  gutters  of  New  Orleans  made  an  immense  impres 
sion  upon  her  and  affected  her  most  painfully,  although 
the  Mississippi  failed  to  impress  her  at  all.  The  climate 
she  found  odious,  the  people  spoke  neither  pure  French 
nor  good  English,  and  many  a  fault  besides  she  found, 
chiefly  with  what  she  politely  termed  "  the  Creowls," 
whom  she  was  never  tired  of  ridiculing  as  lazy,  igno 
rant,  effeminate,  and  morbidly  conceited.  She  was  not 


460  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

an  ideal  companion  when  they  made  an  expedition  into 
the  lovely  pastoral  Teche  country,  the  Acadia  of  exiled 
Acadians  and  Eden  of  Louisiana,  but  her  lack  of  enthu 
siasm  did  not  damp  the  ardor  of  Sir  Robert.  Miss  Noel 
thought  it  a  beautiful  country,  but  added  that  it  looked 
"  sadly  damp,  and  as  if  it  might  be  malarious,"  and  in 
sisted  on  "  dear  Ethel's"  taking  ten  grains  of  quinine 
daily  during  their  stay  and  wearing  a  potato  in  her 
pocket, — precautionary  measures  adopted  by  herself, 
and  known  to  have  nipped  jungle-fever  in  the  bud  re 
peatedly  in  India,  so  she  said.  It  seemed  to  Sir  Robert's 
heated  fancy  that  even  Ethel  praised  this  ideal  spot  but 
tepidly,  and  when  she  had  started  out  of  a  revery  three 
times  with  an  "  I  beg  pardon"  while  he  was  reading 
"  Evangeline"  to  her  under  the  shade  of  one  of  those 
noble  oaks  "  from  whose  branches  garlands  of  Spanish 
moss  floated,"  fit  monuments  of  the  sorrowful  maiden 
of  ever-green  memory,  he  put  down  the  book  impa 
tiently,  saying,  "  It  is  only  the  old  that  are  young  now 
adays  ;  I  am  boring  you," — a  speech  that  made  her  blush 
guiltily,  since  she  did  not  care  to  explain  where  her 
thoughts  had  wandered.  He  was  not  bored.  The 
bayous  were  a  fascinating  novelty  to  him,  the  trees  and 
fields  and  glades  were  eloquent  to  him,  the  simple  French 
peasants  who  belong  to  the  seventeenth  century  and  by 
some  miracle  lead  its  idyllic  life  in  the  nineteenth  in 
terested  him,  and  he  could  see  Basil,  Gabriel,  and  Father 
Felicien  at  every  step. 

The  next  week  found  them  on  a  steamer  bound  for 
Havana  and  New  York,  followed  by  friendly  faces  and 
good  claret  to  the  last,  leaving  three  baskets  of  cham 
pagne  and  about  a  ton  of  flowers  out  of  account.  For 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  461 

an  account  of  Havana,  Matanzas,  Spanish  atrocities, 
Cuban  exports,  coolie  slavery,  and  the  like  topics,  the 
reader  is  respectfully  referred  to  the  book  since  pub 
lished  by  Sir  Eobert, — "  Eight  Months  in  the  United 
States,  Cuba,  and  Canada," — a  work  pronounced  in  crit 
ical  quarters  "  the  best  book  of  travels  in  America  ever 
published  in  England"  (high  praise,  surely),  though  it 
attracted  less  general  attention  than  a  very  spicy,  en 
tertaining  volume  by  Mrs.  Arundel  Sykes,  called  "A 
Britisher  among  the  Yankees,"  (to  quote  from  another 
Knglish  journal)  said  to  contain  "  a  not  very  flattering 
picture  of  the  life,  society,  and  institutions  of  the  Great 
Republic,  which  must  be  a  true  one,  since  it  is  so  uni 
versally  resented  by  the  American  press.  People  will 
cry  out  when  they  are  hit,  as  every  one  knows." 

On  arriving  in  New  York  our  party  went  at  once  to 
Mr.  Brown's,  that  gentleman  being  established  there 
for  the  winter  and  having  urged  them  to  stay  with  him. 
Their  idea  was  to  sail  for  home  almost  immediately,  aa 
soon  as  Sir  Eobert  had  seen  his  friend  General  Bludyer, 
with  whom  he  had  some  business  and  who  was  bringing 
out  his  two  sons  to  establish  them  in  America.  But  an 
unexpected  delay  occurred.  On  the  day  after  their 
arrival,  Mr.  Heathcote  ran  up  to  his  aunt's  room  to  bid 
her  good-by  before  taking  himself  off  to  Baltimore,— 
he  had  made  a  full  confession  to  Sir  Robert,  and  received 
much  advice  and  counsel,  together  with  a  qualified  ap 
proval  of  his  plans  and  hopes,— and  he  found  Miss  Noel 
still  in  bed,  although  it  was  mid-day  and  she  not  the 
least  punctual  and  energetic  of  her  sex.  In  reply  to  his. 
playful  reproaches  she  replied  that  she  was  "fooling 
very,  very  queer,"  and  he  cheerfully  assured  her  that 

39* 


4G2  0^  BOTH  SIDES. 

she  "  had  best  stop  in  bed  a  day  or  two  and  all  would 
be  well,"  after  whicb  be  told  her  that  he  was  not  going 
back  to  England  with  the  party,  and,  with  a  further 
remark  to  the  effect  that  she  "  was  looking  awfully 
seedy,"  discovered  that  he  was  late  for  his  train,  was 
again  pleasantly  sure  that  she  would  "  be  all  right  soon," 
and  hurried  off  to  the  station,  well  pleased  to  think  that 
he  should  see  Edith  in  a  few  hours.  It  is  not  always 
possible,  however,  for  a  woman  to  fulfil  the  optimistic 
predictions  of  her  careless  male  relatives,  and  in  a  few 
hours  Miss  Noel  was  feeling  really  ill.  "  Who  is  your 
doctor,  my  dear?"  she  asked  of  Bijou,  who  had  herself 
arranged  and  carried  up  a  little  tray  of  delicacies  with 
which  to  tempt  her.  "  How  very  sweet  of  you  to  trouble ! 
Why  did  you  not  let  Parsons  do  that  ?  Do  you  know 
I  am  making  myself  quite  wretched  lest  I  should  be 
sickening  with  something, — something  serious  ?  I  must 
have  a  doctor  at  once.  Would  you  kindly  send  for  one, 
or,  rather,  tell  Parsons  where  to  go  ?  I  can't  rest  until 
I  get  the  opinion  of  a  medical  man." 

"  Now,  don't  you  worry  about  that"  said  Bijou,  be 
stowing  an  embrace  upon  her  and  then  perching  herself 
on  the  foot  of  the  bed.  "  You  are  not  going  to  be  ill ; 
and  if  you  are,  why,  you  are  with  friends  who  will  take 
the  best  sort  of  care  of  you,  that's  all.  I'll  nurse  you; 
and  popper  says  I  am  just  a  natural-born  nurse,  if  there 
ever  was  one.  You  can  see  the  doctor 'if  you  want  to, 
but  most  likely  you  will  be  a  great  deal  better  to-mor 
row." 

"  But,  my  dear,  suppose  I  should  be  worse  ?  It  would 
be  too  dreadful !  I  can't  be  ill  in  your  house,  you  know," 
paid  Miss  Noel  disconsolately. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  463 

"  Why,  why  not?"  queried  Bijou,  in  surprise. 

"Why  not?  Can  you  ask  why?  Think  of  all  the 
trouble  I  should  be  putting  you  to,  the  house  upset,  and 
the  servants  giving  warning  very  likely,  and  all  that. 
Oh,  no !  I  hope  and  trust  it  is  nothing ;  but  if  it  should 
be  serious  I  could  not  dream  of  putting  you  out  like 
that,"  replied  Miss  Noel,  with  emphasis. 

"  Why,  do  you  mean  to  say  that  anybody  would  care 
for  that,  or  think  of  the  trouble,  with  a  friend  lying  sick 
in  their  house  ?  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing,"  exclaimed 
Bijou,  expressing  the  liveliest  emotions  of  astonishment 
and  contempt  in  face  and  voice.  "  Of  course  we  don't 
want  you  to  get  sick,  for  your  own  sake ;  but  if  you  do 
we'll  do  everything  in  this  world  to  make  you  comfort 
able  and  cure  you.  And  the  house  won't  be  upset 
at  all ;  and  we  don't  care  a  snap  what  the  servants 
think.  You  must  put  that  perfectly  ridiculous  idea 
nght  out  of  your  head,  and  turn  over  and  try  to  go  to 

When  the  doctor  came  he  looked  grave  even  for  a 
doctor,  and  felt  it  his  duty  to  tell  Miss  Noel  that  she 
might  have  yellow  fever.  It  was  always  to  be  had  for 
the  catching  in  Cuba,  and  her  symptoms  were  suspicious, 
though  he  could  not,  of  course,  be  positive.  Herb  was 
a  senna tion.  It  was  curious  to  see  the  effect  this  decla 
ration  had  on  the  different  members  of  the  household. 
Sir  Eobert,  after  turning  pale  and  saying  "  God  bless 
my  soul !  you  don't  mean  it,"  to  the  doctor,  rallied  from 
the  shock  as  soon  as  he  had  left  the  house,  and  refused 
to  believe  anything  of  the  kind,  talked  about  "the 
art  conjectural,"  and  did  all  he  could  to  impress  this 
view  on  Miss  Noel,  who  promptly  gave  herself  up 


464  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

as  lost,  told  him  that  she  had  made  her  will  "  before 
leaving  town  for  the  North"  the  year  before,  asked  that 
her  body  might  be  "  taken  back  to  dear  old  England," 
if  this  could  be  done  without  risk  to  others,  and  begged 
that  she  might  be  "  sent  straight  away  to  the  hospital" 
and  nc  one  allowed  to  come  in  contact  with  her  mean 
while.  Bijou,  Ethel,  and  Parsons  stoutly  refused  to  be 
hustled  out  of  her  room,  declaring  that  they  had  already 
been  exposed  to  the  danger,  if  danger  there  was,  and 
protested  that  they  were  ready  to  nurse  her  through 
anything.  Mr.  Brown,  coming  home  to  dinner,  was 
horrified  as  by  some  impiety  to  hear  it  proposed  that 
Miss  Noel  should  go  to  a  hospital.  "  Admitting,  for  the 
sake  of  argument,"  said  this  ever-judicial  host,  "  that 
the  doctor  is  right,  what  follows  ?  Why,  that  Miss  Noel 
will  require  great  care,  and,  humanly  speaking,  will  in 
cur  additional  risk  in  leaving  my  house.  I  cannot  dream 
of  allowing  it.  My  married  daughter  has  taken  her 
children  to  see  their  grandmother ;  there  are  only  Bijou 
and  myself  to  be  considered,  and  neither  of  us  has  any 
fear  of  the  disease,  or,  indeed,  any  great  belief  in  the 
reality  of  the  danger.  I  cannot  think  of  letting  a  guest, 
and  that  guest  a  stranger  here,  go  to  a  public  place  of 
the  kind  and  commit  herself  to  hired  nurses.  Oh,  no  I 
That  is  out  of  the  question." 

"  I  never  heard  of  such  a  thing, — never.  It  would  bt* 
perfectly  shameful!"  protested  Bijou  afresh.  And  so 
Sir  Robert  was  overruled,  and,  much  touched  by  this 
view  of  the  matter,  tried  to  express  thanks  on  behalf 
of  Miss  Noel,  bungled  out  a  few  short  phrases,  very 
different  from  his  usually  fluent  utterances,  shook  Mr. 
Brown's  hand  heartily,  sat  down  with  a  very  red  face, 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  465 

and  then  started  up  and  dismissed  the  carriage,  which 
pending  this  decision,  had  been  waiting  at  the  door. 

It  chanced  that  Mrs.  Sykes  had  been  out  for  some 
hours  that  day,  and  had  then  come  back  and  gone  into 
the  library,  where  she  spent  some  time  in  writing  to 
the  friends  who  had  entertained  her  in  Central  New 
York.  She  had  just  finished  putting  up  the  morning 
paper  for  them  containing  a  full  and  carefully-marked 
account  of  the  defalcation  and  disappearance  of  a  bunk- 
president  in  Delaware  in  whom  she  recognized  the 
brother  of  her  former  hostess,  when  Ethel  looked  in  at 
the  door  and  said,  "  Oh,  you  are  here,"  and,  coming  for 
ward,  gave  her  the  dreadful  news.  It  was  well  that 
this  final  mark  of  her  gratitude  and  graceful  interest 
was  complete  down  to  the  very  postage-stamp,  for  after 
this  Mrs.  Sykes  had  no  time  for  delicate  attentions. 

"Stand  off!  good  heavens!  Don't  come  near  me. 
Get  away !"  she  shrieked,  and  for  once  every  particle 
of  color  left  her  face.  The  next  moment  she  rushed 
up-stairs  to  her  room,  put  on  her  bonnet  and  cloak  in  a 
flash,  and,  without  farewells  of  any  kind,  or  thought  of 
so  much  as  her  darling  Bobo,  left  the  house  immediately. 
She  went  first,  and  that  as  fast  as  her  feet  could  carry 
her,  to  the  nearest  druggist's,  where  she  invested  lav 
ishly  in  disinfectants  and  hung  innumerable  camphor- 
bags  about  her  person.  From  there  she  wont  to  the 
nearest  hotel,  from  which  she  wrote  to  the  Browns, 
giving  instructions  about  her  luggage,  which  she  said 
must  be  packed  by  Parsons  and  sent  over  to  England, 
to  be  unpacked  at  Liverpool,  for  fear  of  infection,  by 
"a  person"  whom  she  would  engage.  She  then  took 
the  first  steamer  leaving  New  York,  and  when  she  got 


466  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

on  board  gave  vent  to  a  perfectly  sincere  and  devout 
exclamation,  "  Thank  heaven,  I  have  done  with  Amer 
ica  !"  From  Liverpool  she  wrote  back  a  lively  account 
of  the  passage,  and  expressed  the  deepest  interest  in 
•'  dear  Miss  Noel,"  about  whom  she  had  been  "  quite 
wretched,"  but  who  she  "  hoped  was  doing  nicely  by 
this  time  and  would  make  a  good  recovery."  She  also 
hoped,  and  even  more  earnestly,  that  "  dearest  Bobo  was 
not  being  neglected  in  the  general  hubbub,  and  given 
his  biscuits  without  their  being  properly  soaked  first, 
and  his  chicken  in  great  pieces,  not  carefully  minced," 
and  begged  that  every  care  should  be  taken  of  him, 
imploring  that  everybody  would  remember  that  "  hot 
milk  invariably  made  the  poor  dear  ill."  She  also  sent 
Bijou  a  small  and  particularly  hideous  pin-cushion,  which 
she  said  had  been  made  for  the  Ashantee  Bazaar  by  the 
Grand  Duchess  of  Aufstadt. 

The  defection  of  Mrs.  Sykes  was  not  greatly  deplored 
by  anybody,  but  it  was  deeply  resented  by  Parsons, 
who  it  is  to  be  feared  was  not  as  devoted  to  Bobo  as 
his  mistress  expected. 

"  I'm  not  one  to  run  away, — not  if  it  was  lions  and 
tigers, — like  some" she  remarked  ;  " but  if  hever  I  get 
back  to  the  hold  country  I'll  go  down  on  my  bended 
knees,  if  it's  in  the  very  cab  at  Liverpool,  and  thank 
'eaven  I'm  at  'ome  again ;  which  I  'ope  I  may  live  to 
dee  it." 

Happily,  Miss  Noel  did  not  have  yellow  fever.  Un 
happily,  she  had  a  fever,  if  not  the  dreaded  one,  and 
was  ill  for  several  weeks, — so  ill  that  it  seemed  at  one 
time  as  though  she  had  done  with  travelling-days. 
Anxious  weeks  these  for  Ethel  and  Sir  Robert  and  Mr. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  467 

Heathcote,  trying  ones  for  Bijou,  who  had  at  last  found 
"a  rational  occupation."  For  it  was  she  who,  with 
Parsons's  help,  nursed  Miss  Noel  faithfully,  tenderly, 
efficiently,  Ethel  being  a  most  willing  coadjutress,  but 
sadly  out  of  place  in  a  sick-room.  The  «kill,  the  self- 
reliance,  and  the  unselfishness  that  Bijou  showed  sur 
prised  even  those  who  knew  her  best,  and  quite  endeared 
her  to  Sir  Robert. 

"  That  girl  is  one  in  a  thousand,"  he  said  to  Ethel 
more  than  once ;  "  and  I  was  such  a  wiseacre  that  I 
thought  her  a  useless,  spoiled  creature  who  would  never 
be  anything  but  a  domestic  fetich.  I  shall  ask  her  par 
don,  when  I  get  the  chance,  for  having  so  shamefully 
underrated  and  misjudged  her.  Could  there  be  a  kinder 
family  ?  If  Augusta  had  been  a  near  and  dear  relative 
they  could  scarcely  have  shown  more  solicitude.  Every 
luxury,  every  kindness  that  the  most  thoughtful  affec 
tion  could  have  suggested  has  been  lavished  on  her. 
Everything  has  been  subordinated  to  the  one  object, — 
her  recovery, — and  all  their  ordinary  pursuits,  amuse 
ments,  occupations,  cheerfully  laid  aside,  apparently  a* 
a  mere  matter  of  course.  At  least,  they  disclaim  the 
idea  of  sacrifice ;  and  in  all  that  they  have  done  there 
has  been  nothing  perfunctory.  If  they  have  merely 
been  performing  what  they  consider  a  duty,  I  must  say 
that  they  have  had  the  grace  and  innate  godd  breeding 
to  make  it  appear  that  it  was  a  pleasure.  Just  so." 

Miss  Noel  had  been  down-stairs  on  the  sofa  for  threw 
days,  having  been  officially  pronounced  convalescent, 
when  who  should  walk  in  upon  her  but  the  Ketchum*, 
— Mabel  serene  and  smiling,  and  Job  in  a  state  of  evi 
dent  satisfaction  and  radiant  good  humor. 


468  0-1V  £0271  SIDES. 

"Well,  now,  this  is  something  like.  Up  and  dressed, 
and  looking  first-rate  for  an  invalid,"  he  called  out  from 
the  door,  and  then,  advancing,  took  one  of  her  thin 
hands  with  much  gentleness,  and  said,  "  Getting  well, 
ain't  you?  That's  right.  I  am  so  glad.  Creepir. 
through  mercy,  eh?  as  Father  Eoot  used  to  say." 

Mabel  slipped  into  a  seat  near  Miss  Noel,  and,  after 
some  inquiries  about  Sir  Robert,  Ethel,  and  the  Browns, 
told  her  what  concern  they  had  felt  about  her  illness. 
"Husband  telegraphed  constantly  to  know  how  you 
were  going  on  ;  but  the  replies  were  often  most  unsatis 
factory  ;  and  it  is  so  very  nice  to  see  you  up  again. 
You  will  soon  be  about,  and  the  sea-voyage  will  set  you 
up  wonderfully.  That  puts  me  in  mind  of — Tell  her, 
husband ;  show  her." 

Thus  stimulated,  Mr.  Ketchum  drew  out  an  enor 
mous  pocket-book,  stuffed  full  of  papers,  and  attacked 
it  rather  than  looked  through  it,  drew  out  a  handful  of 
letters,  bills,  memorandums,  tore  up  several,  crushed 
others  back  into  his  case,  walked  swiftly  into  the  hall, 
and  came  back  triumphantly  with  his  overcoat  on  his 
arm  and  a  sheet  of  foolscap  in  his  hand. 

"  Dear,  dear,  husband,  you  should  not  mess  about  like 
this,"  said  Mabel,  "  littering  up  the  carpet." 

She  would  have  picked  up  the  bits  of  paper,  but  he 
interfered.  •  "  Here !  I'll  do  that,  Daisy ;  sit  down. 
Daisy's  occupation  in  the  next  world,  Miss  Noel,  is 
going  to  be  sweeping  all  the  dirty  clouds  out  of  the 
sky,  and  polishing  up  the  harps  and  crowns,  and  telling 
the  small  angels  not  to  leave  the  ivory  gates  ajar,  for 
fear  of  draughts,  and  to  be  sure  and  put  their  buckets 
and  spades  away  tidily  when  they  have  done  digging 


ON  THIS -SIDE.  469 

in  the  golden  sands,  and  not  to  get  overheated  and  fall 
ill,  because  they  can't  die  and  have  got  nowhere  to  go. 
Now,  look  at  this"  (getting  up  from  his  knees  and  hold 
ing  up  the  foolscap,  which  was  covered  with  drawings 
of  some  mechanical  contrivance)  :  "  I  got  thinking  about 
you  one  day  and  your  illness,  and  that  you  ought  to  stay 
on  deck  all  you  could,  and  to  have  the  right  kind  of 
chair,  and  suddenly  this  idea  hit  me  right  on  the  head, 
and  I  got  out  my  pencil  and  started  in  on  it.  And  here 
it  is.  This  is  only  the  rough  draught,  you  understand." 

With  growing  enthusiasm  he  explained  all  the  details, 
while  Mabel  looked  intently  and  respectfully  at  the 
paper  he  held,  and  interjected  admiring  comments: 
"  Isn't  it  a  most  wonderful  thing  T  and  wasn't  it  clever 
of  husband  to  think  of  it? — but,  then,  he  is  always 
thinking  of  things.  Husband  has  got  such  a  surprising 
talent  for  invention,  and  grasps  an  idea  af  once." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  haven't.  I  think  I  could  have  found  out 
the  way  to  my  mouth  as  soon  as  any  other  baby,  that's 
all,"  deprecated  Mr.  Ketchum.  "  But  this  is  a  lucky  hit. 
I  am  going  to  have  it  patented.  It's  a  first-rate  thing. 
This  is  the  way  you  lash  it  to  the  mast  when  you  want 
to ;  and  when  you  want  to  move  about  you  let  down  the 
rollers  and  fasten  them  with  this  hook,  and  go  where  you 
please.  Twenty-seven  changes  of  position.  Why,  you 
can  read,  eat,  sleep,  ride,  get  married,  run  for  Congress, 
die,  and  be  buried  in  that  chair,  if  you  want  to  I"  he 
said,  by  way  of  final  recommendation. 

"  Thank  you,  but  I  don't  wish  to  die.  I  would  rather 
Uve,"  said  Miss  Noel,  laughing  cheerfully  for  the  first 
time  sini.'e  her  illness.  "  And  did  you  really  design  it 
for  me?  How  very  kind!  I  must  really. try  to  get  it 

40 


470  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

worked  out,  if  you  think  it  will  answer,  as  of  course 
you  do." 

"  Oh,  don't  you  bother  your  head  about  that,"  he  re 
plied.  "  I  worked  it  all  out  one  night,  and  set  a  smart 
carpenter  at  it  the  next  morning  before  breakfast.  And 
it's  a  perfect  success.  And  I've  got  it  down  at  the  hotel, 
ready  for  you.  I'm  coming  up  here  to  put  you  in  it  and 
take  you  down  to  the  steamer  myself  like  a  first  baby 
or  a  setting  of  ostrich-eggs." 

Sir  Robert  and  Mr.  Heathcote  now  came  in  (the  latter 
having  returned  from  Baltimore  an  affianced  man),  and 
Ethel  and  Bijou  followed,  and  everybody  was  delighted 
to  see  everybody  else ;  and  they  had  so  much  to  talk 
about  that  Sir  Robert  almost  forgot  that  he  was  on- 
gaged  to  preside  over  a  children's  dinner-party  at  th^ 
house  of  an  intimate  friend  of  the  De  Witts.  He  hur 
ried  off,  though  ;  and  never  had  he  "  looked  into"  ten 
more  charming  little  faces  than  brightened  on  his  ar 
rival.  The  way  in  which  he  radiated  good  humor,  in 
telligence,  benevolence,  told  stories  and  jokes  that  kept 
the  little  company  shouting  with  laughter,  and  finally 
rose  and  got  off  an  impromptu  piece  of  doggerel  with 
exactly  ten  verses,  and  each  child's  name  and  some 
peculiarity  brought  out  in  a  way  to  convulse  even 
mammas  and  the  maids,  was  as  indescribable  as  delight 
ful.  I  am  not  sure  that  he  did  not  enjoy  it  more  than 
any  of  the  grand  entertainments  that  he  had  been  asked 
to ;  and  as  for  the  children,  they  remember  it  to  this 
day,  although  they  are  on  the  verge  of  young-ladyhood 
and  at  college  now  and  have  very  serious  demands  made 
on  their  memories. 

After  a  pleasant  little  interval  of  reunion  and  various 


ON   THIS  HIDE.  471 

diversions,  the  day  came  at  last  for  our  English  people 
to  leave  the  country.  What  they  felt  about  this  neces 
sity' was  well  expressed  for  them  by  Sir  Robert  in  the 
last  letter  that  he  wrote  before  going  on  the  steamer. 

"  I  am  glad  to  turn  my  face  toward  the  old  land,  which 
must  always  seem  to  me  the  best  of  all  lands,"  he  said ; 
"  but  I  take  with  me  the  pleasantest  memories  of  the 
new.  It  has  been  a  constant  surprise  and  pleasure  to 
me  to  find  how  like  they  are  to  each  other  in  all  essen 
tials,  greatly  as  they  often  seem  to  differ  on  the  surface. 
I  have  had  a  most  interesting  and  delightful  tour. 
Such  opportunities  of  observation  as  have  come  in  my 
way,  and  such  authentic  information  as  I  have  been 
able  to  lay  hold  of,  I  have  tried  to  make  the  most  of; 
but  in  so  short  a  time  I  could  not  do  more  than  glean 
in  a  field  that  offers  a  rich  harvest  to  more  fortunate 
travellers.  From  the  moment  of  landing  until  now  I 
have  been  made  the  recipient  of  a  hospitality  too  gen 
erous  and  too  flattering  to  be  appropriated  to  myself 
in  my  individual  capacity.  I  must  either  set  it  down 
to  the  good-will  which  Americans  feel  toward  England 
when  not  irritated  and  repelled  by  the  insolent  and 
overbearing  among  us, — who  have  done  more  to  mako 
a  breach  between  the  two  peoples  than  you  would  fancy, 
and  inflicted  wounds  that  all  the  ambassadors  and  pub 
lic-dinner  fine  speeches  cannot  heal, — or  to  that  true 
politeness  which  Americans  observe  in  the  most  casual 
relations,  and  the  immense,  apparently  inexhaustible 
kindness  which  it  is  their  habit  to  show  to  strangers. 
I  find  in  them  a  certain  spontaneity  and  affectionatoness 
that  has  quite  won  my  heart." 

To  the  credit  of  Mr.  Ketchum  be  it  said  that  if  Miss 


472  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

Noel  had  been  made  of  cobwebs  she  could  have  been 
safely  transported  in  his  invention  to  the  steamer. 
This  feat  was  comfortably  achieved,  at  all  events,  and 
Mr.  Ketchum,  having  superintended  it,  left  Miss  Noel 
in  the  chair  on  deck;  and  there  were  kisses  and  em 
braces  between  the  ladies,  a  hurried  rush  to  the  wharf, 
and  the  steamer  moved  out,  with  Miss  Noel  crying  softly, 
and  saying,  "Dear,  dear  Bijou!  Dear  America!  How 
good  they  have  been  to  me !"  and  Ethel  and  Sir  Kobert 
hanging  over  the  side;  and  ashore  the  Browns,  the 
doctor,  Mr.  Heathcote,  the  De  Witts,  and  Mr.  Ketchum 
and  Mabel  looking  earnestly  at  them  and  waving  their 
adieux. 

"You'll  find  a  couple  of  barrels  of  pecans  at  your 
place.  I  forgot  to  tell  you.  Good-by !  good-by !  Call 
again !"  shouted  Mr.  Ketchum.  And  then,  turning  to 
his  wife,  he  said,  "  Don't  you  wish  you  were  going  home, 
too  ?" 

Mabel  stopped  to  straighten  little  Jared  Ponsonby's 
hat  and  settle  his  curls,  somewhat  disordered  by  the 
wind  from  the  river.  Then  she  turned  a  face  full  of 
sweet  content  toward  her  husband;  her  simple  and 
serious  look  met  his  twinkling,  bantering  one  for  a 
moment.  "  No,  dearest,"  she  said,  as  she  took  his  arm 
and  walked  away.  "  You  know  that  I  don't.  You  are 
rny  home." 

The  Ketchums  went  back  to  Fairfield,  and  spent  the 
two  years  that  followed  very  happily  and  quite  unevent 
fully  in  that  simple  round  of  duties  and  pleasures  which 
the  foolish  find  so  dull  and  the  wise  would  not  exchange 
for  any  other.  And  not  the  least  agreeable  feature  of 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  473 

this  life  was  what  was  known  as  "  the  English  letters," 
although  this  really  included  books,  music,  photographs, 
sketches,  and  a  great  variety  of  things,  from  the  J. 
pens  that  came  for  Mrs.  Vane  and  the  larding-needles 
that  housewifely  Mabel  had  coveted  that  she  might 
"  set  a  proper  fowl  before  husband,"  up  to  packages  of 
a  disgraceful  size  and  bulk  addressed  to  Mr.  Ketchum 
in  Sir  Eobert's  hand.  Sir  Eobert  was  a  regular  and 
delightful  correspondent;  Miss  Noel  and  Ethel  were 
equally  kind  about  writing;  Mrs.  Sykes  sent  a  very 
characteristic  epistle  or  two  to  the  family  after  her 
return,  and  then  let  "  silence  like  a  poultice"  come  to 
heal  the  blows  she  had  inflicted. 

"  What  do  you  hear  from  that  idiotic  young  Ram 
say  ?"  "  How  is  Ramsay  opening  the  American  oyster  ?" 
"  What  of  poor  Mr.  Ramsay  ?"  "  Is  Mr.  Ramsay  com 
ing  back  to  England  ?"  were  questions  often  asked  by 
these  correspondents;  and  Mr.  Ketchum  was  able  to 
give  some  account  of  that  fascinating  fortune-seeker. 

Mr.  Ramsay  wrote  to  him  occasionally,  which  was 
the  more  flattering  because  he  repeatedly  said  in  these 
productions  that  he  "  hated  doing  a  letter  most  tremen 
dously,"  and  very  truly  remarked  that  "  the  worst  of  it 
is  that  you've  got  to  be  thinking  what  to  say,  which  it» 
an  awful  bore,  and  ten  to  one  the  pen  is  bad,  and  spell 
ing  takes  a  lot  out  of  you  if  you  ar£  not  used  to  looking 
up  the  words."  Whether,  "  not  being  a  literary  chap," 
he  would  have  written  to  Mr.  Ketchum  at  all  had  not 
the  Ketchum  and  Brown  properties  marched  and  the 
two  families  been  good  friends  is  one  of  those  nice  que&- 
tions  which  it  is  hard  to  decide.  His  letters  were 
beaded  "  Out  in  the  Bush"  at  first,  and  wore  full  of  tho 

40* 


474  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

adventures  and  amusements  that  his  novel  surroundings 
afforded  him.  Then  came  more  sober  epistles  from 
"  The  Banch,"  with  a  good  deal  in  them  about  "  these 
dirty  brutes  of  Mexicans  and  ignorant  cowboys,"  the 
long,  dull  days,  the  doubts  that  had  begun  to  agitate 
him  as  to  the  possibility  of  getting  out  of  "  old  Brown's 
farm"  the  millions  that  had  seemed  almost  within  his 
grasp  in  London.  Finally,  after  a  long  silence,  Job 
got  a  letter  one  day,  written  in  pencil,  that  betrayed 
the  deepest  depression  and  most  utter  disgust.  He  had 
"  come  an  awful  cropper  from  a  mustang,"  and  been 
laid  up  for  three  months;  his  money  was  all  gone;  he 
could  get  nothing  to  do.  "  I  tried  to  get  a  clerkship  in 
a  '  country  store'  before  I  got  my  fall,"  he  explained, 
"  though  if  I  have  got  to  that  I  had  better  go  back  to 
England,  where  those  fellows  get  a  half-holiday  on 
Saturdays  and  lots  of  bank  holidays,  and  are  in  civil 
ization  at  least.  Perhaps  if  the  governor  saw  me  with 
a  quill  behind  my  ear,  or  riding  down  to  the  city  on  the 
knifeboard  of  a  'bus  smoking  a  pipe,  he'd  do  something 
for  me  for  the  honor  of  the  family.  But  he's  in  a  beastly 
humor  now,  and  wouldn't  send  me  a  fiver  to  save  my 
life.  He  says  that  I'm  not  worth  my  salt  anywhere, 
and  that  he  washes  his  hands  of  me.  And  Bill  has 
taken  to  patronizing  me  so  tremendously  that  I'd  starve 
rather  than  ask  his  help.  So  I  must  just  stick  it  out 
here,  I  suppose,  unless  you  meant  what  you  said  when 
we  parted,  and  will  help  me  to  get  back  home,  where  I 
have  friends,  a  brother-in-law  especially,  an  awfully 
good  sort  of  fellow,  that  would  stick  to  a  fellow  through 
thick  and  thin,  no  matter  what  other  fellows  said  of 
him.  There's  a  lot  of  'fellows'  in  this  last  sentence. 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  475 

but  I  never  was  a  clever  fellow—    I  had  better  stop. 
I  am  getting  worse  mixed  up  than  ever." 

Mr.  Ketchum's  reply  to  this  was  a  short,  cordial, 
hearty  note,  enclosing  a  check  for  five  hundred  dollars, 
telling  Mr.  Eamsay  to  draw  upon  him  for  more  if  he 
needed  it,  bidding  him  keep  "a  stiff  upper  lip,"  and 
advising  him  to  stop  at  Fairfield  en  route  to  England 
and  see  if  there  wasn't  some  better  way  out  of  his  d  iffi 
culties.  About  two  weeks  after  this  Mr.  Eamsay  walked 
into  Mr.  Ketchum's  office  and  almost  wrung  his  hand 
off.  "  Awfully  kind  of  you,"  "  awfully  glad  to  see  you," 
"  awfully  good  news  to  tell  you,"  was  poured  out  as  in 
one  breath  by  the  bronzed,  thin,  but  still  beautiful 
Englishman,  whose  illness  had  given  a  last  and  quite 
irresistible  charm  of  spirituality  to  his  handsome  face. 

"  Sit  down,  man,  and  tell  us  all  about  it,"  said  Mr. 
Ketchum,  when  he  had  given  him  an  embrace  half  real, 
half  theatrical.  "  Delighted  to  see  you,  if  it  comes  to 
that." 

"  Here's  that  check  you  sent  me,"  said  Mr.  Eamsay, 
going  straight  to  his  point,  as  usual.  "I  never  got 
it  cashed,  because  I  got  by  the  very  same  post  good 
news  from  England.  My  great-aunt  Maxwell  is  dead 
at  Bath  and  has  left  me  all  her  money,  twenty  thousand 
pounds.  Isn't  it  the  luckiest  fluke  that  ever  was  ?  But 
all  the  same  it  is  a  kindness  that  I  shan't  forget.  You 
are  an  awfully  good  sort  to  have  done  it.  Most  fellows 
would  have  seen  me  in  Halifax  first,  you  know.  And 
if  ever  you  want  a  friend  you'll  know  where  to  find 
him,  that's  all.  Only  fancy  all  this  money  fallin'  in 
when  I  hadn't  a  penny  and  was  in  perfect  despair  I 
Such  luck  I  And  such  a  fluke,  as  I  have  said.  You  see, 


476  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

it  was  all  to  have  been  Bill's.  He  has  always  been  my- 
aunt's  favorite,  though  at  first  it  was  to  have  been 
divided  between  us;  only  when  I  was  a  little  chap  I 
blew  off  the  tail  of  her  parrot  with  a  bunch  of  fire 
crackers.  Haw !  haw !  haw !  I  was  never  allowed  there 
afterward,  and  she  hated  the  very  name  of  me.  She 
and  Bill  have  hit  it  off  together  so  well  that  he  never 
had  the  least  fear  of  me  steppin'  in.  But  on  last  Val 
entine's  Day  it  seems  that  she  got  an  awfully  cocky, 
cheeky  valentine  of  an  old  maid  puttin'  on  a  wig  and 
paintin'  her  face,  and  it  had  the  Stoke-Pogis  post-mark, 
and  she  took  it  into  her  head  that  Bill  had  sent  it,  flew 
into  a  most  awful  rage,  and  sent  for  her  solicitor  and 
changed  her  will.  And  then,  most  fortunate  thing,  she 
died  that  night,  and  couldn't  make  another." 

"Well,  you  are  a  doting  nephew,  upon  my  word," 
said  Job. 

"  It  is  no  use  of  me  bein'  a  hypocrite  and  goin'  about 
lookin'  cut  up  and  pretendin'  that  I  am  sorry  when  I 
am  not,"  replied  Mr.  Ramsay.  "  I  haven't  seen  her  for 
years,  and  she  was  nasty  to  me  even  when  I  was  a 
child,  and  she  was  a  regular  old  cat,  and  no  good  to 
herself  or  anybody  else.  I  don't  see  why  I  should  pull 
a  long  face  and  turn  crocodile  because  she  made  me  her 
heir  to  spite  Bill,  though  it  comes  in  most  beautifully  for 
me.  I  don't  mean  to  keep  it  all,  though  I  could  swell 
it  considerably  if  I  did.  It  would  be  a  dirty  thing  to 
do,  for  Bill  has  been  brought  up  to  expect  it  and  didn't 
send  the  valentine  at  all.  I  shall  go  halves  with  him ; 
that  seems  fair  all  round."  Mr.  Ketchum  agreed  with 
him,  and  Mr.  Ramsay  went  on  to  make  further  confi 
dences,  in  which  it  appeared  that  he  still  cared  for  Miss 


ON  THIS  SIDE.  477 

Brown,  and  had  "  thought  an  awful  lot  about  her,"  and 
now  rejpiced  to  find  himself  in  a  position  to  address  her 
if  she  was  still  free.  Tom  Price,  coming  in,  could 
scarcely  announce  that  the  buggy  was  at  the  door  for 
goggling  at  Mr.  Eamsay.  The  two  men  drove  rapidly 
out  to  Fairfield,  talking  all  the  way,  and  Mr.  Ramsay 
stared  very  hard  at  the  Brown  mansion  and  grounds, 
and  got  a  pretty  welcome  from  Mabel  that  warmed  his 
heart  not  a  little.  What  he-  said  to  Bijou  in  an  in 
terview  that  evening  of  four  hours  is  no  business  of 
ours.  / 

It  began  after  quite  formal  greetings  with,  "  Do  you 
know  that  you  are  lookin'  most  awfully  well,  Miss 
Brown  ?"  on  his  part. 

"  You  didn't  dream  that  I  cared  for  you,  did  you  ?" 
*aid  Bijou  toward  its  close,  anxious  to  reassure  herself 
upon  a  point  that  had  made  the  last  two  years  a  bitter 
ness  to  her. 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  did.  I  twigged  that  long  ago,"  replied 
he.  "  That  is  why  I  cut  my  stick  so  suddenly.  I  couldn't 
support  a  wife  then,  and  I  wasn't  goin'  to  be  thought  a 
fortune-hunter,  you  know."  It  must  have  been  that  he 
was  forgiven  the  sentimental  blunder  that  is  worse  than 
a  crime, — a  want  of  frankness, — or  how  else  could  they 
have  been  married  in  six  weeks  and  sailed  for  England  ? 
Mr.  Alfred  Brown,  being  in  California,  did  not  witness 
this  ceremony,  but  Mr.  Ketchum  did,  and  "  a  largo  and 
fashionable  company  of  the  elite  of  Kalsing"  (vide  tho 
local  paper).  And  did  not  Mr.  Ketchum  give  the  groom 
a  pair  of  trotting-horses  that  afterward  attracted  much 
attention  in  Hyde  Park?  and  did  not  Mr.  Brown 
present  the  bride  with  a  considerable  fortune  on  her 


478  ON  BOTH  SIDES. 

wedding-day,  which  her  husband  insisted  should  be  set 
apart  for  her  exclusive  use  and  control  ? 

"  Haven't  you  got  any  other  name  than  Bijou  ?"  he 
said  to  her.  "  That  is — excuse  me  sayin'  so — a  most  ab 
surd  name.  Bijou  Ramsay.  What  will  my  people  say  ?" 

"  I  was  baptized  Ellen,"  said  she,  "  but  I  have  never 
been  called  that." 

"  Ellen  ?  A  nice,  sensible  name.  I  shall  call  you 
that,"  he  replied,  and  kept  his  word. 

And  so  the  immigrant,  who  thought  he  had  left  Eng 
land  forever,  went  home  in  a  little  while  and  is  living 
there  now  in  inglorious  ease  and  somewhat  enervating 
luxury,  while  Mr.  Heathcote,  who  thought  that  he  was 
coming  out  for  a  short  visit  and  couldn't  possibly  live 
cut  of  England,  is  already  more  than  half  an  American, 
a  successful,  practical  farmer,  and,  it  may  be  added,  a 
happy  man.  "  Heart's  Content"  has  been  renaissanced, 
papered,  tiled,  portiered,  utterly  transformed,  and  is 
thought  quite  a  show-place  now  and  much  admired ; 
but  there  are  some  persons  who  liked  it  better  when  it 
was  only  an  old-fashioned  Yirginian  home,  before  their 
mahogany  majesties  the  old  furniture,  and  those  courtly 
commoners  Anne  Buller  and  her  brothers,  had  been 
swept  away  with  all  the  other  cumbering  antiquities. 

Sir  Robert  is  now  looking  into  the  military,  monastic, 
and  baronial  architecture  of  the  mediaeval  period  on 
the  Continent,  and  goes  next  year  to  Japan  to  begin 
the  exhaustive  researches  which  are  to  culminate  in 
his  next  book,  the  "  Lives  of  the  Mikados." 


THE   END. 


• 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


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1953 

•a* 


Form  L9 — 15m-10,'48(B1039)444 

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THE  LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  07  CALIFORNIA 
LOS 


Barmm  - 

1068       On  both  sides 
D2G73 
1892 


